Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 14, 2008

Welcome to Friday! This week has been clipping by, only feeling like it's been four full days, plus a number of hours, since we woke up Monday morning. You can think that's normal, but for us, that's just typical. So, before we really get ourselves off further onto a tangent, let's get these awards under way.

M-I-C-K-E-Y P-O-P-E Award
The Pope is taking a trip around the world, visiting different countries and spreading his message of peace and tolerance (just so long as you don't disagree with his church). In Sydney, Australia, a group of visitors from California decided to offer him some new headgear, and gave him a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and a stress ball. According to reports, the Pope declined to actually wear the mouse ears, citing that he was always a bigger fan of Wile E. Coyote.

Faking it in Court Award
What do you do when your marriage is not the ideal situation you hoped it would be? Well, if you're an Indian man, you bring a fake wife to the court in order to get a divorce. His actual wife later found out, and the court has now overruled the earlier decision. We have a sneaking suspicion that that he'll find his original wish granted, making it one of the few times he's been able to give his wife what she wants.

The Balloons are Attacking Award
Wow. Good old California. The state that took time to research and prove that drinking paint might be hazardous to your health (other states assumed this on their own). The state that threatens to (literally) break off from the rest of the United States every couple of years. They must have everything figured out, because a CA lawmaker is looking to ban helium-filled foil balloons, citing them as dangerous. We expect this to go over like a lead, air-filled vessel. Thanks, MythBusters!

Next Time, Start Earlier Award
Boy, it's really a good thing that we've had such a long campaign process for the presidency. After almost two full years of being told where the candidates stand, almost half of those who are independents are still undecided as to who they're voting for. This is why we're considering announcing our own candidacy for the President. For 2024.

It's Not the Heat Award
Let's say for a moment that you get caught touching yourself inappropriately. While sitting on your front porch. Oh, and you're completely nude. What do you think an appropriate response would be? Here's a guess that, "I'm a nudist. It's hot out" isn't the first words in your mind, because that apparently doesn't placate the police. Interestingly enough, the way we read the final sentence of the article, he was more indecent AFTER putting clothes on. Because nobody wants to see that shade of purple on anybody.

Pass the *hic* Research Grant Award
Oh, to have lived in 1955. Apparently, according to an extremely scientific study done then, it was once impossible to get drunk on beer. This explains why Dean Martin was always near the gin bottles. Meanwhile, in 2008, we've categorically proven that people can get drunk on water, which explains why Paris Hilton is always near the gin bottles.

Catch of the Day Award
Finally, a man out fishing landed a record catch, after he used his lures to help bring a drowning man ashore. Sadly, the drowning man was undersized, and had to be thrown back.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, wondering if LA can figure out what they're exact drop-out rate is. Some say it's 33%, which is like, 2 out of every 15 or something. Stay safe out there.