Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 7, 2008

Welcome to Friday. We're hiding inside today, trying to dodge some of the heat (well, truth be told, here in the northern parts of the country, it's really more about the humidity... take THAT, Arizona!), so we've got some awards for you. Let's get rolling shall we?


I Wanna *hic* Help Award
A firefighting team in Germany recently got some unexpected assistance as they prepared to battle a blaze. Within their ranks, fully decked out in equipment, was a complete stranger. Oh, and he happened to be incredibly drunk, too. The first tip off? When he volunteered to put out the fire with his "special hose".


We're Number 8 Award
Speaking of drinking, leave it to the Wisconsin media to actually compile stats on a state-by-state basis with regards to alcohol consumption. It's consequently no surprise to see that Wisconsin ranks #1 in how much alcohol permeates the culture. As for Minnesota? We're tops in health costs related to booze. Meanwhile, North Dakota gets the win for underage drinking AND for people needing treatment but not seeking it. And people always say that there's nothing to do in "flyover country".


Zap Award
What happens when you give a child a paper clip at an academic enrichment camp? Well, if you're like the camp in Hagerstown, Maryland, you end up sending letters home with children to warn their parents about the danger. Thankfully, the child didn't stick the paper clip into the socket as part of his class work. We'd hate to have to look over that particular syllabus.


Afternoon Delight Award
A horror story that seems to plague young couples (and, in later years, their children) is the tale of a child walking in on their parents during a moment of intimacy. Now make it much more awkward by giving the child access to 911, and having them think Mommy's in a fight. We just wonder if the police had to say, "Open up, ma'am."


What Goes Around Award
You get robbed, but your home surveillance camera records the incident. The police get the recording, and look through the evidence. The police get robbed, and the tape goes missing. The second robbery is caught on camera. *singing* It's the circle of crime. It's the wheel of misfortune...


The Holy Spirit's A Jerk Award
What happens if you slip and fall at a church? If you're like a Knoxville man, you proceed to sue, because the spirit of God caused you to fall. Finally, someone's giving God credit for bad things, too. Oddly enough, nobody noticed that Jesus was crouched behind the man, so God just had to give a little push.


Black Hole Son Award
It seems like people can overreact about just about anything. Take, for example, the Dallas County Commissioner who thinks that the term "black hole" is racist. But don't worry. He's not crazy. He also thinks that "angel food cake" and "devil's food cake" are racist terms. We just wonder if he thinks that the term "doughnut holes" is derogatory to cops.

And that does it for this week's awards. Enjoy the weekend and try to keep cool. Stay safe out there!