Friday, August 08, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 4, 2008

Welcome back. This has been a topsy-turvy week. After all, could any of us possibly have guessed that Paris Hilton would be able to speak eloquently, let alone on an energy policy that might actually work? We sure didn't. So before this week gets crazier, let's get the awards started.

Heckuva Deal Award
When police cars get decommissioned, they often find their way to an auction. Well, a man in Rhode Island found a surprise in the cruiser that he purchased. Upon cleaning it, he discovered a small bag full of cocaine. The man speculates that a suspect may have hid the drugs, to which the police were quick to agree, wipe their noses, and go about their business.

Worst Amusement Park Attraction Ever Award
No, we're not giving this to the spinning teacups at any of the Disney parks. We don't know why, but there's something appealing about them. It might be the fact that we avoid them, so we don't get any accidental spray. No, our choice for the worst attraction? "Waterboard Thrill Ride" at Coney Island. The attraction features one robot waterboarding another. In second place for worst attraction? It's a tie between the "Sienna Miller Log Ride" and "Lindsey and Britney Roulette".

Dude, The Boat Was Like, Right There Award
How can you tell you've had far too much to drink? Well, when you're stranded on a cliff ledge, that might be a good first sign. A good second sign? When the rescue teams determine that they'll have to come back after you've sobered up. To paraphrase the Simpsons, here's to alcohol; the cause of, and solution to, a group of teens stuck on a cliff face. Meanwhile, people in Wisconsin are scoffing and saying, "Amateurs".

When You're A Jet Award
So we all know where Brett Favre landed, right? Can we let it go no? Please?

Patience is a Virtue Award
There are many times where being a little more patient can help you achieve your hopes and dreams. One of those times is when you're a day away from your prison release. Unfortunately for a California man, he just couldn't take it any longer and escaped from prison, only to be caught and returned. The escape happened shortly after lunch, which the prisoner finished eating at approximately 6:45a.m.

What Do You Want on Your Tombstone? Award
A man on trial for pleaded guilty to murder after he was given exactly the type of deal he wanted. That deal? Fried chicken, pizza, calzones, and other breaks from prison food. The man was also married in a civil ceremony, which wasn't part of the deal. Of course, by accepting this, some people might think that he's cheapened the plea bargain, but they need to keep in mind how much all of that food would cost, especially with rising gas prices.

A Lot of Dough(nuts) Award
Most thieves that get their hands on credit cards ring up small purchases such as gallons of gas, or gift cards from multiple locations. One pair of thieves took the theory to one further step. Instead of getting the cards from different places, they used the stolen cards to rack up $100,000 in Dunkin' Donuts gift cards, which they redeemed for coffee and soft drinks. The police are shocked that anyone could even get that many gift cards, let alone for a doughnut shop.

Always Room for Jello Award
Quick, name the strangest thing to use in a robbery. All of you that chose a bundle of bananas while juggling a spiked mace come pretty close. For those that didn't think along those lines, imagine the success of someone using an empty box of Jello to try to get money from a video store. Silly burglar. Thanks to Netflix, video stores don't have money.

Well, that does it for this week's awards. Hopefully next week we'll be able to return to some level of normalcy.

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