Friday, September 05, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 1, 2008

Well, now we know what Denver felt like all last week. We're still fighting off the hangover from this past week's worth of celebrations (any day we made it out of St. Paul, we considered that a celebration), and we've got our air (mostly) clear of tear gas, so we're just going to jump into the awards.

Take it to Heart Award
So was anybody watching (or listening) yesterday evening, when VP-wannabe Palin was announced, and the Heart song "Barracuda" was played? Yeah, apparently, Heart isn't so keen on that usage, and have requested that McCain stop using it immediately. Which is fair, since a more fitting artist for Palin would be John Cougar... meanwhile, we're just surprised that anyone from Heart was aware enough to notice.

An Odd Punishment Award
Since Russia attacked Georgia, other countries have been getting irritated and speaking their minds. The US talked about not invading sovereign territories, Poland set up a missile defense, and the UK has refused to allow bagpipers to attend a Kremlin celebration. Russia has since responded by saying that plenty of its own citizens are remarkably proficient in strangling cats.

Doing it Wrong Award
What would you do if your advances were spurned? Well, if you're like most people, you'd find someone else who might appreciate your pick-up line about eggs in the morning. Unfortunately, a man in Pasadena decided that the women he was interested in just didn't understand his dedication, so he chased them down. In his car. Yeah, we're going to guess he was compensating for something, too, since he wouldn't be able to penetrate the women any other way.

Lactose Intolerance Award
A woman in Devon, UK, was attacked by a group of thugs, who proceeded to surround her, and pour pints of milk over the woman's head. The cheesy attack was led by four individuals, who are now being sought by police before they can curdle up another plot.

Walk This Way Award
A Scottish researcher has recently determined, with the help of his research team, that a woman's gait and vertebral rotation can indicate how difficult she finds it to achieve orgasm. Men across the planet scoff, then start figuring out just what the heck "vertebral rotation" is.

A Heavy Tax Award
The state of Alabama is leading the way with regards to health insurance for their own employees. Starting in 2010, unless some severe weight loss happens, a "fat fee" will be enacted. Because of the announcement, Kate Moss and Calista Flockhart are now being considered for high-ranking government positions.

My Eyes! Award
Some things should never be shown in 3-D. Naturally, we're thinking about most of the programs on the Discovery Channel, and a fair number of the shows created for Animal Planet. We also have to say that the porn industry is just another area that 3-D should be left alone. However, the technology may soon be reaching the field that made "Deep Throat" famous for something other than ratting on Nixon. This coming from an industry that shouldn't really be so quick to embrace high definition.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we watch our town revert to the normal state that we've grown accustomed. Stay safe out there.

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