Friday, October 17, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 13, 2008

Alright. Before we get too deeply into this post, we just have something to say. A deep breath. Okay. Okay, we're ready.

Joe the Plumber. Joe the Plumber Joe the Plumber JoethePlumberaaaaugh!!!!

Whew. Now that we've got that out of our systems, let's move on to the awards, shall we? We already feel a little more presidential.

Smelling Space Award
Since we haven't been able to send a manned mission to the moon for decades, it only makes sense that NASA would try a new foray into their research. That foray? Trying to find someone to recreate the smell of outer space. The next step? Finding a Febreeze strong enough to purify even the uncharted reaches of space. It will first be tested in high school locker rooms.

Dangerous? Really? Award
We have to give a nod to the CDC. Thanks to them, we now know that car-surfing may not just be a fun past time. In fact, it might be dangerous. The CDC is now looking into picking a fight with a Hells Angel and skydiving without a parachute.

Squeak Award
A man from Auckland now faces community service for cruelty to a mouse. Apparently, the mouse was retrieved from a woman's cleavage, and then the man proceeded to kill it while pretending to eat it. Minnie couldn't be reached for comment, but sources close to the deceased mouse claim that he always enjoyed cleavage.

Smashing Pumpkins Award
David Letterman has made a big of a history for himself out of smashing pumpkins from outside of his show. Now he's angling to blow up a pumpkin weighing in at almost 3/4 of a ton. Letterman originally went for a second-place pumpkin, but the owner declined, forcing him to move on to the champion, or "pumpking", as it were. If only Billy Corgan could be the musical guest that night...

Monkeying Around Award
When told by a court commissioner that you aren't allowed to keep a pet monkey, don't try to fool them by staging a photo that shows them having been relocated to Mexico. Especially when you live near a large Hispanic community, such as Los Angeles. Oddly enough, in at least one of the photos, the monkey has an expression saying, "THIS is your best plan?"

Joe the Plumb-DANGIT!!!

Mother-Daughter Day Award
Some parents go the extra mile for their children. A California mother did just that, by driving her 12-year-old daughter to a park so that she could fight with another student. But that's not all. When it became clear her daughter was losing, the mother stepped in to help out. Because the first rule of School Fight Club is "Don't talk about School Fight Club", and the seventh rule is "Bring a bigger parent."

Fake Arrest Award
Sometimes, people can get away with portraying police officers. By sometimes, we mean when they have been cast as a cop, or possibly when they are stripping for a party. One time that you definitely can't get away with pretending to be a cop is when you pull over your neighbor at a traffic stop. On the plus side, the fake cop was merely giving warnings to people, as opposed to writing tickets. The first tip that the man was a fake cop? There was no doughnut dust on his shirt.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We've just got to end it before, like John McCain and Barack Obama before us, we find ourselves referring to a random name and occupation like it's going to save the campaign. Besides, "Bertram the Janitor" just doesn't have the same ring. Stay safe out there.

No comments: