Friday, October 24, 2008

Coffee-soaked Awards - Week of October 20, 2008

Blah blah blah insert something witty here blah blah.

Sorry... we're a little run-down. This whole election thing is just getting to us. Only a couple of weeks to go before we have to deal with recounts and one party complaining about the outcome. Anyways, on to our awards!

Sometimes It's Just Bad Award
Newt Gingrich, former Republican powerhouse, and current crazy person, has apparently decided that Sarah Palin can't be the only politician getting mileage out of Saturday Night Live. Earlier this week, Gingrich called the sketch comedy show "slander" and said that it was worthy of being sued, proving that Gingrich doesn't understand the difference between slander and farce. Meanwhile, the careers of Dana Carvey, Horatio Sanz, Chris Kattan, Joe Piscopo, Cheri Oteri, and Victoria Jackson couldn't be found for comment.

Burn, Dude, Burn Award
What would you do if your significant other didn't stop strangers from looking at you in a potentially sexual way? If you said "douse them in gasoline and light them on fire," you may be a recently convicted Michigan woman. We all know that she thought he was hot, but this is ridiculous.

Go Outside Award
Just a quick tip for anyone planning on huffing aerosol fumes. Seriously, people, do it outside, and definitely don't light a cigarette shortly afterwards. Oh, and no one is allowed to touch you in your bathing suit area without your permission. We now return you to your regularly scheduled awards.

Must Be From All That Reading Award
Earlier this week, John McCain and Sarah Palin were interviewed by Brian Williams of NBC News. One question he asked was regarding domestic terrorism, and whether abortion bombers qualify. Palin, proving that she's read things handed to her, answered the question by talking about William Ayers. McCain, proving that he's read things handed to him, ordered a cup of coffee and a slice of blueberry pie.

Pinching the Pint Award
It looks like Britain may be about to follow Australia when it comes to servings of beer. Floating somewhere between a half and a full pint, the "schooner" has taken root in Australia, and it may be appearing soon at English pubs. To combat this, Germany has unveiled the UltraStein, which is just an above-ground swimming pool filled with beer. It also comes with a beer chaser.

Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think Award
A city in Canada may be about to put their foot down when it comes to a menace terrorizing front yards. That menace? The ever-present hockey net. No mention of whether or not curling will still be encouraged as soon as the streets ice over. It really is like a free ride when you've already paid (minor mention because, well, Alanis is Canadian. See how we tied that together?)

Since I'm Already Here Award
A Vermont man had been taken to the police station under suspicion of having committed theft. So, while he's at the station, he decides to steal something off of the police bulletin board. The thief may have just wanted to save the cops on gas money. But wait until you see his disappearing pencil trick.

And that does if for our awards this week. We'll be back next week, looking ever more paranoid. But that's just because we'll be spending next Friday running from gangs of children who want their candy back. Stay safe out there.

No comments: