Friday, October 10, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 6, 2008

Wow. Sure, it seems like we've been posting for the last couple of days, but we're also pretty sure that we just woke up from the complete and total cure for insomnia of the debates on Tuesday night. So we're not really sure what happened over the past couple of days, but we do have the distinct feeling that we're now "friends" with McCain. Anyways, let's get moving on to the awards.

Live, From New York, It's The VP Candidate Award
It's really happening. People hinted that it might when Tina Fey returned to portray the Alaskan governor, but now it's confirmed for October 25. Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on Saturday Night Live. Given how she's performed in live settings recently, we expect something folky. Oh, and funny in that whole train crash sort of way. The only thing we can be certain is that she'll be funnier than Horatio Sanz.

Vote for the "S" Award
We're certain that it's happened before, where typos slip through the cracks and get released on absentee ballots. We're also certain that it's not common for a "B" to be replaced with an "S", as some absentee ballots show for Barack Obama. That's right, the ballots from Rensselaer County in New York give voters the option of selecting "Barack Osama". We're sure this was a mistake, and doesn't show any sort of a sia-er, um, bias. Wow. It is totally easy to hit the "s" instead of the "b". You know, if you type with your fists.

Real Partisan Dolls Award
To complete our political hat trick, we found a story about people complaining to Walgreens about dolls based on the candidates. Apparently the dolls used things called "stereotypes" and "comedy" to try to make light of one of the longest and dirtiest campaigns ever. Apparently, the Obama doll would dance, the Clinton doll referred to herself as a broad, and the McCain doll staggered around in a daze, not really sure where it was. We're fairly certain that there's a Palin doll available, too, but we're afraid that it might only come in life-size, so we're choosing not to think about it.

A Good Deal Award
Let this be a lesson to everyone. When placing something for auction on a website, suggest a minimum bid. Otherwise you too could lose your yacht for under 25 Euros. The yacht owner was hoping to get at least 12,000 Euros for his boat, but made an error in listing it, and then lost a court decision trying to overturn his mistake. Unfortunately, here in America, if you see a Ford Pinto (or, at this point, a Ford plant) listed for $50, it's probably not a mistake.

That's Just Stupid Award
It may be stupid, but that's the point the judge was trying to hammer home when he sentenced a man to either jail time, or time spent at the location of his crime, wearing a sign stating, "I was stupid". Prosecutors in the case argued with the sentencing, claiming that the sign shouldn't be in the past tense. The defense, meanwhile, pointed out the correct grammar, since the sign kept the criminal out of prison.

Think of the Crooks Award
Your yard has been the victim of thieves in the past. You decide to protect your property, and string up barbed wire. You're told that you have to take the barbed wire down because it might hurt the thieves. The British are now competing with America for which country can have the most insane legislation, saddened that the Yankees have trounced them for so long.

Sad Messiah Award
According to a new study conducted by a professor at Ball State University, religion may not be the ultimate pick-me-up. In fact, it's downright depressing. What's next, telling us that people who hold differing view points on subjects could lead to confrontation?

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with all new stories. Wait, who are we kidding? It'll be the same old stories, coated in a new varnish, possibly with new subjects. Stay safe out there.

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