Friday, October 03, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 29, 2008

Here we sit, winking in the glow of the debates from last night. Wait, no, that's just Sarah Palin, and we can't be certain that her winking wasn't just some sort of facial tic that she couldn't control. But golly, did she answer some questions. She even gave some answers that made people think, "Darn". Good thing she's folksy, because we haven't had enough of that in the White House for the last, oh, 16 or so years. Anyways, on to the awards, shall we?

Naked Business Lunch Award
Looks like Playboy is trying to strike gold again. After having pictorials on some of the women from previous economic catastrophes, the company is now looking to the women of Wall Street. And yes, it will most likely bring a new meaning to the term "ringing the final bell". Let's just hope that IHOP never goes under.

A Fiery Ring Award
Some couples are just meant to be. In a lot of ways, it makes sense that an arsonist might find a firefighter to pair up with. Although this is probably one of the first relationships sparked (sorry) because he extinguished her flame. At least they'll never be bored.

In a Rush Award
Some people are just impatient. Some people's impatience gets them into trouble. For one Florida man, his impatience was so bad that he found himself breaking into cars in a prison parking lot, shortly after paying bail for a different arrest the previous night. Seriously, folks, if you need to commit crimes do it further than 30 feet outside of the main doors.

Spare Change Award
Who would've possibly thought that panhandlers can make upwards of $40/hour shilling on a street corner? Oh, that's right, just about everyone who's ever been accosted by them. You might ask where all the money goes, but then you'd forget about Christian Brothers, Thunderbird, and second-hand stores to keep that official homeless look going.

Moving Halloween Award
It should come as no shock, after the Vatican moved St. Patrick's Day earlier this year, but now there's a town that's decided it should celebrate Halloween on November 1. The town is trying to avoid traffic problems by having children trick-or-treat during rush hour, but the change is being met with resistance. In other news, Michael Meyers is frantically changing his schedule.

My Heart Will Go Ouch Award
A recent brawl after a concert surprised officials in Milwaukee. No, they weren't surprised that the concert was being performed by Celine Dion. They were surprised that enough people attended to fill up the nearby parking ramps.

Not Drunk, Just Disgusting Award
Looking to get a DUI charge dropped, and you happen to be visiting lovely and scenic Kazahkstan? Claim that you were drinking kumys, with it's (completely legal) 4% alcohol content. Just try to forget that kumys is actually fermented mare's milk. Admittedly, it has better taste and more alcohol than Budweiser, which is simply fermented Clydesdale urine. Hey, why else do they show the horses at Christmas time?

And, on that horribly tasteless note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week. We'd go on for longer, but we're still trying to figure out half of the things that either Biden or Palin talked about last night. All we really caught? Tears, and a winkjob. Stay safe out there.

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