Friday, January 16, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 12, 2009

Another week, and another round of awards. We've decided to avoid taking any shots at the outgoing President. After all, this is his last full week on the job, and he probably needs a pick-me-up wherever he can get it. But that's alright, because we've got plenty of other stories to share, so let's get rolling.

Pet of the Sea Award
Have you ever sat around thinking that fish get a raw deal? We're not talking about when they're used for sushi, we're talking about how people just seem to take them for granted. Well, we haven't either, but that's not going to stop PETA, who are looking to spin a new PR campaign for fish by starting to call them "Sea Kittens". Silly PETA. Cats are afraid of water.

Hail Mary Award
A Chilean fashion designer is drawing the ire of the Catholic church, thanks to a new show he's got planned that feature *gasp* attractive busty women dressed as the Virgin Mary. The breasts were described as "ample, near-naked". Which is just crazy, because everyone knows that Mary was an A cup. Now Salome, on the other hand...

No Pope, No Hope Award
Speaking of the Church, the Vatican has released some of the details about how they deal with the worst of sins. These are sins that can only be forgiven by the Pope, which means that things like murder and genocide aren't on the list. So what is? Defiling the Eucharist, abusing the confidentiality of the confessional, and assassinating the Pope. Yeah, that last one really becomes a pain to get absolution for, what with the victim being the guy who can actually help out.

Stopping the Buck Award
The state of Florida made a fairly big mistake a few years back, selling private information garnered from licensed drivers to marketing firms. Information included things like date of birth, social security numbers and medical condition. The settlement, which is in the $10M range, will of course see proceeds going to Florida drivers. To the tune of $1 per. Because nothing makes us feel better after our personal information is sold than a Taco Bell burrito.

Gassy Planet Award
Scientists observing from Earth have found that Mars is practically belching methane gas, which could indicate life. While scientists can't be certain that the cause is biological, it at least shows them at Mars itself is still going through changes. In the meantime, Jupiter has been seen sneaking around Mars' bathroom cabinet, depositing packets of Gas-X.

... is Feeling Stabby Award
How can you be pretty certain that you'll be arrested for premeditated homicide? Post your consideration of it on your Facebook page. Oh, social networking. Is there nothing you can't do (obviously, other than teaching people not to talk about or show pictures of crime on their personal pages)?

Ah, Regret Award
We've heard of plenty of people who do things that they later regret. We don't often hear about people who then attempt to sue over evidence of those events. That's just what a woman from Florida did, though, after pictures and video of her participation in wet t-shirt contests, a banana eating contests, and a "sexual positions" contest appeared. The judge, however, ruled against her, due to a lack of evidence, and the fact that it did not "create the impression of an actual sex act". So, we're guessing that she lost the last contest, then.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you after the long weekend is over, when a new President is sworn in, and all of the cartoon animals appear from their long, dark, hibernation to sway along with music and dance. Or something like that. Stay safe out there.

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