Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 19, 2009

What a week this has been. We've seen a new President being sworn in (something that only took a couple of tries, too... you'd think they would have had a dress rehearsal or something), we've watched an old President leave in a helicopter, and we've seen the former Vice President melt away into the shadows, once again content to haunt the dreams of children from the depths of their closets. There's even been news that didn't originate in Washington, DC, and that's what we're here for. So let's get these awards started, shall we?

The Sweet Smell of Theft Award
Sometimes, people just need the essentials. Sometimes, people need a lot of the essentials, possibly because they're planning an extended trip into the wilderness, with no stores nearby. And, well, sometimes people just grab a lot of the essentials because they're a little off-kilter. That's probably the case with the Buffalo man arrested for stealing 44 sticks of deodorant, and putting them down his pants. In his defense, he was just trying to use the deodorant to cover up the smell of Axe body spray.

Cowabunga Award
A sad story emerged out of the University of Cincinnati recently, as a man was robbed, with money taken directly from the wallet he left haphazardly lying around. Correction, it was his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wallet. The wallet was left, but now the student has no idea of how to purchase a pizza.

Do Not Call Award
Maybe they're doing something wrong in Canada. It seems that the "Do Not Call" registry hasn't quite worked the way they intended. In fact, the lists are being bought by telemarketers and scam artists to give them a new list of targets. Canadian officials are aware of the problem, but are unsure of how to solve it. Obviously, NOT SELLING THE LISTS would be too obvious.

PopeTube Award
Finally, there's a place we can turn to when we need our inspiration, but are stuck at the computer. Sure, there may have been other semi-religious (or very religious) sites and pages out there, but now we can get the Word directly from the horse's mouth. That's right, folks, the Vatican has their own YouTube channel. It won't be long now before those pictures of naked nuns are actual nuns.

Drinking Driving Twofer Award
We've had stories like this before, but we just can't avoid them. After all, when one person gets busted for drunk driving, it's a normal event. When a second person gets busted, you can assume it's been a party. When they both get busted in the same car, well, there's a reason they got caught for drunk driving. In all fairness, the recent weather has made roads slippery, and therefore much harder for drunks to steer on.

Out of Work Award
What do you do when you're an elected official, and you lose your re-election bid? Well, most candidates fade away from the public spotlight. Some launch lengthy court battles to keep their positions. And still others file for unemployment, citing "lost election/fired" as the reason they deserve the compensation. So at least there's hope, right?

Fight Fight Fight Award
What could possibly go wrong with an open bar party and an Ultimate Fighting Championship on the pay-per-view? Would you believe that guests fought amongst themselves? People, people, people... this is exactly how Backyard Wrestling got started. Do we really need to go down that path again?

Well that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, as we close out January, and prep ourselves for a little civil service. Stay safe out there.