Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 13, 2009

The weather is turning, winter sports are entering their playoff stretches, and people are obsessing over the President's choice in dogs. Are there any better signs that spring has truly sprung across the country? Just like flowers, we've got awards springing up out of the ground, so let's get started.

Raising the Bar Award
For a long time, if a teacher was going to do something wrong with their students, it was going to be sexual in nature. A Baltimore teacher decided to take things one step beyond, and has been charged with producing crack cocaine. Her students have been categorized as being "energetic", and her classroom is often spotless.

Jusht Pull Over Anywhere Award
Many people, at one point in their life or another, will get behind the wheel of a car when they really shouldn't. Sometimes the bad decisions are just due to tiredness, and other times, they're due to having imbibed a substance that impairs judgement. So we have to commend the subject of this story for not drinking and driving. Unfortunately, they lose that commendation for being drunk while trying to teach someone how to drive. That certainly explains the poor marks on driving tests for "willing to stop at a bar".

Gangster With a Heart of Gold Award
We all know about Al Capone, the hard-nosed, cutthroat gangster, willing to sacrifice anyone that stood in the way of his crime sprees. But how many of us know about Al Capone the songwriter? Given that his song is being recorded, we fully expect to hear versions from Clay Aiken, Michael Bolton, and a hip-hop rendition by Jay-Z within the next couple of years.

Hot Hot Hot Award
Remember a while back, when an elderly woman sued McDonald's because their coffee was hot? Now imagine that someone is suing over similar circumstances, but they're doing it over a product that they heated themselves. That's the case of a woman suing a beauty manufacturer for the burns she incurred removing their body wax from the microwave. No mention of whether or not the woman also plans on suing Dairy Queen because her Dilly Bars got cold in the freezer.

Splish Splash Award
How many times have you fantasized about waking up to find a young, naked stranger in your hot tub? How many times have those fantasies included the notion that the stranger was passed out from drinking too much? The homeowner was quoted as calling it a "pretty hard way to wake up". We're fairly certain that being woken up by police while you're naked in a hot tub would also qualify. We also fully expect that the porn industry is going to work to take that quote and make a series of films about it. Probably involving some sort of milk delivery.

Religion vs. Responsibility Award
Remember a little bit ago when the state of Iowa made it clear that same-sex marriage was legal? Yeah, as it turns out, even though it's been legalized, there may be county clerks deciding not to sign the certificates, because it goes against their religious beliefs. If only there was some sort of statute describing ways to keep government and religion apart from each other.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next time, as we step further into a (relatively) shower-less April.