Friday, April 03, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 30, 2009

Well, here we are, enjoying the beginnings of April. March decided to play a little joke on us at the end of the month, then we got fooled on Wednesday as well, but today we're definitely feeling stimulated. And all that just because of changes in the weather. Ah, spring. Looks like our awards are peeking their heads up out of the ground, as well.

Captain Obvious Award
You can tell it's a slow news day when outlets resort to reporting the obvious. Take, for example, the story that, due to rain, the roads will be wet. Sure, the story gets into more detail than that, but man, that headline just spoils all of the plot twists. We're expecting to hear later in the summer that, due to increased temperatures, people are warmer and seeking air conditioning more often than they did in February.

Bad Chef Award
So maybe making a simple sandwich doesn't really qualify someone for the title of "chef". Attacking someone with a knife because you didn't like how they made the sandwich doesn't qualify someone for the title of "sane". Apparently the cheese was placed improperly on the sandwich, causing the man to fly into a rage. Given that the man attacked his fiancee over the meal, it should come as no surprise that he may soon find himself standing alone.

IMduhB Award
Aspiring filmmakers are often willing to go to extravagant lengths to get their films made. But it certainly isn't often that they go out of their way to commit a crime. Some more helpful tips for people... if you actually want credit and recognition for your YouTube short, affix credits. If your short might get you arrested, seriously, leave the credits off. Unless you can get a good foley editor.

Insert Foot Award
Generally, when there is mention of a foot being stuck, people don't tend to think it's actually happened. And yet, a burglar found his crime foiled because he couldn't get his foot out of the door, after kicking it in. We're fairly certain that, at trial, the man will mention having his head stuck somewhere, as well.

Free as a Bird Award
Sometimes, saying that you're sorry is enough. After escaping from prison, you'll probably need a better excuse. That's the excuse used by an inmate who planned to meet with a pen-pal. Oh yeah, and he got caught in a mud bog, and struggled for twenty minutes to get out. If only prisons had some sort of system where, during certain times, you could have guests see you. You know, something like what hospitals have for patients, without the free-flowing morphine.

Car Pooling Award
Man, is it ever embarrassing to get pulled over for speeding, and have the police ask you about the dead body in the passenger seat. Guess some people just really don't like waiting in traffic.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with congratulations for Iowa, and potential stories about how Iowa is now one of the three states that is ushering in the Apocalypse (yeah, like a cornfield would harbor the Antichrist). Stay safe out there.

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