Friday, May 08, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 4, 2009

Friday has definitely snuck up on us this week. But we're prepared. We've got our ducks in a row. And we've got plenty of stories for our awards today. So let's dive in.

Definition of "Sensual" Award
How many times have you found yourself looking for a sensual massage and found yourself in the middle of a sting operation? Just irritating, right? Of course, if you're like most people, you get your massage from an actual parlor, and aren't trying to find a masseuse in the "erotic" sections of Craigslist. We're just going to assume that there was no happy ending.

On the Scale of 1 to 10, 1 Being Stupid Award
Want a sure way to get a few days off of school? Try ranking your classmates on their physical appearance. The student should have known that doing something like that is really better left to the internet, and random flame trolls.

And A Hockey Game Broke Out Award
We've all heard the old joke about going to a fight and seeing hockey instead. The exact opposite happened in Chicago at the site of a Blackhawks/Canucks game as a married couple decided to brawl with each other. Both received minor penalties for roughing, but the husband received a game misconduct for instigating.

A Budding Supervillain Award
We're not sure if it's ironic or not, but a man who recently bought a rare Spiderman comic book was recently jailed, because the check he used was forged. The man's attorney sited a recent history of drug problems. In all fairness, though, the man was actually doing research before he gets himself involved in a bizarre scientific accident that will grant him fantastic powers.

Um, Oops Award
Just a quick tip for everyone. If you have a plain white van, don't put a sign up saying "Free Candy" in the back window. Especially if you also have a mattress in the back. You know, unless the prank with your friends is really awesome.

Fighting the Law Award
Won't someone think of the prisoners in solitary confinement? A group of them in Maine have gone on a hunger strike, because they aren't being allowed to have radios. This explains a recent dip in ratings for Rush Limbaugh.

Raped Again Award
We have to give this one out to hospitals in Houston, who have the audacity to charge rape victims for their evidence kits. Apparently, being a victim of just one rape wasn't bad enough, so the hospitals have decided that they need to perform a monetary one, as well. We don't even have a joke about this, as we're too disgusted by the activity. Seriously, we understand that the economy is tough, but can't we all try and get these women a little of their dignity back, and not ask them to pay for it?

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we continue to prepare for the summer. Not that we've got anything planned, but we need the glow of our monitors to prepare us for the glare of the sun.

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