Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 1, 2009

Here we sit, ready for another rousing round of our awards. Why? Because it's June! Well, actually, it's because it's Friday, but we just had to give a little nod to our musical theater-knowledgeable readers. Now that we've done that, let's get the ball rolling.

Wheeeee! Award
What do you do when you live in Wisconsin, have been ordered by a judge not to drink, and you see a neighborhood kid playing with a Slip 'n Slide? If you're a La Crosse woman, you strip down to your underwear, get drunk, and slide away. The woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct. And they say that people in the Upper Midwest don't know how to have a good time.

Well, That Explains the Tickets Award
New York City police did their jobs to the letter by placing parking tickets onto an illegally parked van. In fact, they were able to write tickets for weeks because the van just never moved. Of course, the fact that the driver was dead inside probably helped that. As a note, this may just answer the question of, "What's the least I could do?"

Thanks, Hard-Hitting Journalism Award
We normally reserve our thanks for Science, and it's crazy studies, but today, a newspaper takes the cake. Literally, in this case, as the LA Times has written an entire story about America's love affair... with the cupcake. The article gets special mention for one of the worst rephrasings of a movie quote that we've seen in a long time. It's almost too bad that the reporter's name wasn't "Jesus".

Conceal and (Don't) Carry Award
A mother from Maryland is being extradited from Baltimore after going on the run with her child. Her crime? Concealing a child and violating a custody order, all while putting her son into a health risk. Oh, and it should be mentioned that her son weighs over 500 pounds. David Copperfield still isn't impressed.

Speech! Speech! Same Speech! Award
All across the country, schools are holding graduation ceremonies, during which one lucky student gets to deliver a speech that will be remembered for years, especially by the people who continue to miss school no matter how long they've been away from it. Well, there's a reason why so many graduation speeches are the same, as a recent Florida high school graduate learned, after her original speech was rejected. Apparently, admitting to new graduates that life might not be perfect and rosy just isn't the best plan. You know, unless you're preparing them for a lifetime of reality television.

Make Lemonade Award
People always say the same thing about life and lemons. They very rarely take into account the chances that those lemons are yours because someone threw them at you. A husband had to learn that the hard way after his wife threw lemons at him, causing him to worry that he might get hit by one. In the future, he plans on being prepared, by carrying around butter and a fresh fish.

Wheeeee! Part Two Award
Apparently it just isn't a good idea to tie a sled to the back of your pick-up truck, put your kid on the sled, and then drive around town in white-out conditions. It's an even worse idea to do so right past a police station. Oh, and the worst possible idea? Trying to claim that your six-year-old son pressured you into doing it. Man, kids just don't get to have any fun anymore.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week, as we creep towards the middle point of the year. Enjoy some sunshine, get some lemonade, perhaps the freshly-squeezed variety, and try to remember where your air conditioners are. Stay safe out there.