Friday, June 19, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 15, 2009

Alright. We're stepping back into the pool. We needed some time away after the realization that the LOLcats have become popular enough to get their own musical, and now we're ready to tackle the day's awards. So, before we start foaming at the mouth again, let's just get rolling.

C-12 Award
The United States and North Korea may be about to embark on a life-size game of Battleship, complete with sinking vessels. According to reports, a North Korean ship will be getting met part way by a US destroyer, because the North Koreans may be using their vessel to transport nuclear weaponry. Odds are good that any attempt to board the vessel will turn the whole thing into a life-size game of Risk. Doesn't anybody ever play Connect Four, anymore? Pretty sneaky, Kim Jong-Il.

No Delicates Award
Have you ever wanted a washing machine that could potentially open up portals to other dimensions? If so, and if you have a fat enough wallet, you can fulfill that dream. Of course, you'd have to buy it off of the guy who just purchased it for over $5000. For that price, it better be willing to separate lights and darks all by itself.

Robbed Award
How often have you found yourself in the middle of a potential drug deal, only to have the dealer pull a gun and take all of your money? Never? Well, that's just what happened to a Florida man, who then called the police on his dealer in an attempt to get back what he'd lost. No word on which green the victim would rather receive for his troubles.

Money Unlaundered Award
If you rob a bank, what do you do with all of the ink-stained bills? If you're like a Chicago man looking for an easy way through these tough economic times, you learn the hard way that you shouldn't just try and deposit that money into other banks. If only there were some term for cleaning money, and removing anything that could trace it back to some specific illegal activity.

Stuck with a Stick Award
How embarrassing is it to get into a car, only to realize that it has a manual transmission, and you don't know how to drive stick shift? Generally not too bad. Now what if you're in the middle of making a get-away attempt, and you had to try and steal the car to complete your escape? Come on, people. If you really need to commit a crime, can't you be a little more selective about your escape vehicles, and take time to find one that you can actually get moving?

*Twitch Twitch* Award
This has almost driven us back into hiding, but we will endure. Apparently, some (former) music channels are compiling lists of "defining moments" for graduates from the class of 2009. Some selections include the election of Barack Obama, and the issue of gay marriage. Also on the list? Twilight. If only they were talking about the time of day.

Attack of the Cats Award
No, this isn't another reference to yesterday's news. This is a story coming out of the United Kingdom about what might be stopping postmen from making their appointed rounds. Not rain, nor sleet, nor any of that other weather stuff. It's a 6-month old kitten. After all, once a kitten has gotten a taste for human flesh, they simply can't be stopped. Not without a small dosage of catnip.

Well, with that mention of cats, we're going to close up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more disturbing news that even makes us cringe a bit. Stay safe out there.

No comments: