Friday, December 18, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 14, 2009

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the net, news articles were flying, some about pets. No, we couldn't help it. Not this year, at least. Maybe next year. Anyways, we're back with our awards for this week, and we've got a sleighful for you. So let's get started.

Timely Award
Way to go out on a limb, Michigan. Your governor has recently declared that January shall be "Snow Sports Month". This is an attempt to get Michigan residents to go out and experience winter weather, and experience new winter activities. Meanwhile, Minnesota is planning something similar, but they are putting their events in May.

Duck and Cover Award
If you receive a text message telling you that you should duck, it might not be a bad idea to pay attention to it. Just ask some people in Des Moines, Iowa, who were given some advance notice about a drive-by shooting through just such a message. Just a note for all you would-be criminals out there, it often works against you to let your victims know what you're planning. But it does make it easier for the police, so knock yourself out.

Tis the Season for Stupid Texts Award
So, after seeing a potential drive-by shooting thwarted by too much text messaging, we just have to stay in a similar vein. Except this time, the text message was sent as a joke, and it lead to a police response. This is why you should never text that there's a person with a gun at the bank. Committing a felony while waiting in line for a teller? Yes, there is an app for that.

Somebody's Watching Award
Irony seems to be making a bit of a resurgence this holiday season, as an anti-whaling group is now complaining that they can't do their job because, and get this, they're being followed and harassed by another ship. In retaliation for an acoustic weapon being used against the anti-whaling group's helicopter, they are deliberately steering the other ship towards icebergs. After all, the holiday season is all about trying to cause accidents that lead to untimely deaths.

Green Pleasure Award
There was a big summit in Copenhagen over the past week, discussing global emissions, and finding ways to help save the environment. Naturally, what better time for a company to discuss their first "green" sex toys then at the tail end of that week. Because, apparently, being environmentally conscious should feel incredible.

Happy Holidays Pt. One Award
What's a sure-fire way to get your neighbors talking about your holiday decorations? Depict Jesus blasting Santa with a shotgun. Looks like someone got tired of hearing, "This is for your birthday AND for Christmas".

Happy Holidays Pt. Two Award
Look out, Santa. When you're not being gunned down by the Messiah, you're coming under fire for your health habits. Obviously, the man who's belly shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" may not be the person to look towards if you're watching your weight, but it still seems a bit insane for health experts to weigh in, so to speak, on the issue. It seems that they believe Santa should ditch the sleigh for biking or walking, and no more cookies for the Jolly Old Elf. The Cookie Monster couldn't be reached for comment.

Well, on that note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll have something to throw onto the fire next week. Until then, stay safe out there.


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