Excerpts from a Coffee-Soaked Mind

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 14, 2009

2009-12-18T14:01:00.002-06:00

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the net, news articles were flying, some about pets. No, we couldn't help it. Not this year, at least. Maybe next year. Anyways, we're back with our awards for this week, and we've got a sleighful for you. So let's get started.

Timely Award
Way to go out on a limb, Michigan. Your governor has recently declared that January shall be "Snow Sports Month". This is an attempt to get Michigan residents to go out and experience winter weather, and experience new winter activities. Meanwhile, Minnesota is planning something similar, but they are putting their events in May.

Duck and Cover Award
If you receive a text message telling you that you should duck, it might not be a bad idea to pay attention to it. Just ask some people in Des Moines, Iowa, who were given some advance notice about a drive-by shooting through just such a message. Just a note for all you would-be criminals out there, it often works against you to let your victims know what you're planning. But it does make it easier for the police, so knock yourself out.

Tis the Season for Stupid Texts Award
So, after seeing a potential drive-by shooting thwarted by too much text messaging, we just have to stay in a similar vein. Except this time, the text message was sent as a joke, and it lead to a police response. This is why you should never text that there's a person with a gun at the bank. Committing a felony while waiting in line for a teller? Yes, there is an app for that.

Somebody's Watching Award
Irony seems to be making a bit of a resurgence this holiday season, as an anti-whaling group is now complaining that they can't do their job because, and get this, they're being followed and harassed by another ship. In retaliation for an acoustic weapon being used against the anti-whaling group's helicopter, they are deliberately steering the other ship towards icebergs. After all, the holiday season is all about trying to cause accidents that lead to untimely deaths.

Green Pleasure Award
There was a big summit in Copenhagen over the past week, discussing global emissions, and finding ways to help save the environment. Naturally, what better time for a company to discuss their first "green" sex toys then at the tail end of that week. Because, apparently, being environmentally conscious should feel incredible.

Happy Holidays Pt. One Award
What's a sure-fire way to get your neighbors talking about your holiday decorations? Depict Jesus blasting Santa with a shotgun. Looks like someone got tired of hearing, "This is for your birthday AND for Christmas".

Happy Holidays Pt. Two Award
Look out, Santa. When you're not being gunned down by the Messiah, you're coming under fire for your health habits. Obviously, the man who's belly shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" may not be the person to look towards if you're watching your weight, but it still seems a bit insane for health experts to weigh in, so to speak, on the issue. It seems that they believe Santa should ditch the sleigh for biking or walking, and no more cookies for the Jolly Old Elf. The Cookie Monster couldn't be reached for comment.

Well, on that note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll have something to throw onto the fire next week. Until then, stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2009

2009-12-11T13:30:00.002-06:00

The holiday feeling is in the air, and we're finding stories full of gift-giving, good cheer, and Santas doing sweet things for starving orphans. Oh, if only that were true. Hey, at least we aren't being saddled with story after story relating how people are bludgeoning others all for the sake of that one-of-a-kind Tickle-Me-Blu-Ray death laser. Well, not yet. So let's get rolling with our awards.

Irony, Thy Name is *Thud* Award
What could possibly be worse than hitting a blind man with your car while backing out of a parking spot? Admitting that you "didn't see him". Next thing you know, this woman will be complaining about having ten thousand spoons.

Feeling the Olympic Spirit Award
You know how there are logos that are incredibly iconic? Logos so well known that people know what they represent, whether words are present or not? Yeah, it's probably not the best thing idea to put any of those logos onto Ecstasy pills. Either that, or it's the best idea ever. Suddenly, previous Olympic opening ceremonies make more sense.

Feeling the Collector's Spirit Award
As a tie-in to our story above, we also have a story about a Dutch man who collected Ecstasy pills for over twenty years. The problem? The pills were recently stolen from his home. The bigger problem? Some of the pills might be poisoned. Whatever happens, we're fairly certain this collection is a lot more fun than one of stamps.

Getting Tested Award
Sporting events have included tests for performance-enhancing drugs for years. So it should come as no shock that even the world of competitive eating needs to fight the demons of people getting a bit of an edge. So be thankful that this year, for the World Pie Eating Championships, competitors will be checked randomly for things like cough medicine. After all, we'd certainly hope that anyone entering into a competition like this wouldn't have a serious cold, or it might make the whole thing a little more disgusting.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Award
Some things are just bound to happen. Winter will come. Every piece of your childhood will be turned into a big-budget Hollywood disaster. The uprising of the robot overlords, or the uprising of the zombie apocalypse. So when those things do happen, people shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. Heck, we're shocked it took this long for the first of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses to come forward with the announcement that she was interested in posing for Playboy. Now if she was talking about posing for Hustler, we might have a story.

*Cough Cough* Wow, Dude Award
This is why we need to teach our children that reading is fundamental. After all, we've pretty much proven that people are going to continue to use illegal drugs. And, society has proven that people are also going to look for "legal" ways to get the same high, without the fears of legal trouble. But when the "legal" alternative to marijuana involves an incense complete with the words "not for human consumption" on the packaging, it might be good for kids to know exactly what those particular combinations of letters mean. This is why warning labels exist, people.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with more of what we mentioned in the first paragraph, but more likely more of what we detailed throughout the rest of the post. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 30, 2009

2009-12-04T13:28:00.003-06:00

Just a few short weeks away from the end of the year, where, if tradition strikes us and once again takes hold, we'll be presenting our Year End Lists. In the meantime, we're back with another round up of our awards for the week. Let's get the ball rolling.

Going Straight Award
Have you ever really wanted to kill someone? Actually, never mind. We just don't want to know that badly (but a quick thanks to anyone reading us in prison!). Anyways, we're pretty sure that people who have been in that position often find themselves there because they were wronged, or because they've been walking down a path towards a life of crime anyways. We'd hate to think that there are a few people who have committed such a crime because of hair care products, but hey, sometimes you really need to get that straightener back. Imagine what might have happened if extension had been involved.

Stay Off Your Own Lawn Award
Bet you never thought that you could find yourself under arrest for trespassing on your own property. A Wisconsin man had that exact thing happen to him recently, after a dispute with a work crew installing a pipeline through his land. This is exactly why we so rarely leave the comfort of our bedroom.

Burn, Baby, Burn Award
Let's say that you find out your husband is potentially cheating on you. Do you get revenge by having an affair of your own? Maybe performing a little surgery? Setting his private parts on fire? Guys, seriously, this is a concern. So maybe try to be a little faithful... not all of you will get beaten up with your own golf clubs.

A Generous Thanks Award
It isn't every day that a would-be robber can be reformed with a simple act of kindness, but a store owner in New York was rewarded for doing just that. After stopping a man from robbing him, the store owner gave the culprit some cash and some food. He has since received a letter of thanks, and a return on his investment. Sometimes, it really does pay to have faith in the inherent goodness of people.

Lost in Translation Award
One would hope that, if they ever are forced to go to court for a crime, they will be able to speak the language of the judge. If not, they should certainly hope that they'll receive a translator who doesn't skew your answers. That didn't happen for a Laotian immigrant in a Nevada court of law, but, even with the errors, the evidence was enough to uphold the decision. And this is why we never plan on committing crimes in foreign countries. We have enough problems with English.

Cut and Cut Award
Be careful when filming your low budget movie. You might get the police called on you. That's what happened for a group filming a horror movie in California, as the screams of an actress drew concern from people in the area. Another option might be to let as much of the immediate area know that a movie is being shot there, but then you run the risk of having your craft services raided by well-meaning, but hungry, suburbanites.

Heavage? Really? Award
Thank you, Wall Street Journal. Thank you for the in-depth reporting. Thanks for covering what matters. Thanks for letting us know that more men are wearing "chest-baring" shirts, and that the term for such a display has been coined as "heavage". Where else could we find such useful information, short of looking at the supermarket tabloids, or the celebrity magazines. We're proud to see such high class information coming from such an esteemed news organization.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next Friday. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 16, 2009

2009-11-20T13:55:00.002-06:00

Fridays tend to sneak up on us, even when it feels like we've been stuck in the longest week ever. But that's alright, because we've got awards to hand out. After all, it keeps us on our toes, and allows us to refocus before the weekend. So let's get down to business.

I Feel Pretty Award
It seems like every once in awhile, we'll find a story about a burglar who does things their own way. This particular time, their own way apparently involves stealing clothes from their neighbor, and attempting to wear them in the process. Notably, the man was found wearing just some of his neighbor's undergarments while digging through her laundry. Obviously he was just trying to find a dress that wouldn't reveal too much of the bra.

How Not to Be Found Award
If you're trying to keep a low profile, we suggest not driving a car with your last name as the personalized license plate. Unless, of course, your name could be mistaken for something else. Even then, you might want to at least consider adding a couple of numbers or something.

The Camera Adds Twenty Pounds, Removes Disabilities Award
How can you be sure that you'll continue receiving disability payments, or at least be able to keep the ones you've already received? Kind of like when you're on the run from the police, you should keep a low profile. Appearing on a television show doesn't really help to that end. Unless, of course, your disability is a crippling addiction to the craft services table.

Yahtzee! Award
How many of you have played a game, found out that it wasn't as exciting as you were hoping, and decided to change rules to spice it up a bit? How many of you have included rules to make the game into a "strip" version? How many have done so with Yahtzee? After a rousing game of "Strip Yahtzee", a woman went off with an ex-boyfriend, got caught by her current boyfriend, and claimed rape, only to later be charged with false informing. Looks like things quickly turned into "Strip Clue".

Anti-Grinch Award
Imagine coming home to discover that your house has been broken into. Now imagine discovering that the crooks didn't steal anything, but instead set up Christmas decorations. No word on whether or not a 6-foot tall man with curly hair and a green costume was seen near the scene.

Give Until It Hurts Award
Good: Setting up a fundraiser to help out victims of a hit-and-run accident. Bad: Siphoning money from said fundraiser. Worst: Using siphoned funds to bail out hit-and-run suspect. Meanwhile, other villains are seen twirling their mustaches and taking notes.

McDefense Award
What's the craziest reasoning someone could come up with when fighting a drunk driving charge? Sure, it might have something do with zombies wearing chicken wings as loincloths, but it might also have to do with being able to convince fast food employees to give you lunch during breakfast hours. Because we all know how much of sticklers those minimum wage earners are for appropriate meal times.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be out next week, overdosing on turkey and more turkey, but we'll see you in December.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 9, 2009

2009-11-13T15:57:00.002-06:00

Welcome back for more awards. We're still mulling over what to do Monday-Thursday, but it seems like the awards are here to stay. So sit back and enjoy.

Sexual Emergency Award
We get it. Sometimes, people just need to try and find someone to sleep with. And, well, when you aren't in a committed relationship, it can be difficult to do so, which is often where the booty call comes into play. Just don't call 911 about it, even if you've run out of cell minutes. Seriously, just watch a couple of videos online, or head out to a bar or something. Oh, and if you've already called once, don't think it's a good idea to call again. You got lucky the first time.

Pity Them Award
Did you go to an elite, potentially Ivy League college? No? Then you probably wouldn't understand why they need to have their own variants on the "F My Life" trend. After all, not everyone can truly see the sorrow in "Martini only had two olives, not the three I asked for. FML".

Training Award
How do you prepare your employees for an armed robbery? Why not stage one? While effective, it might have been smarter to wait until the customers were gone. Or, you know, used video and hand-outs.

A Real Doll Award
A woman found a way to cope with her boyfriend having been deployed. She went out and got herself the next best thing, by purchasing a "high class" inflatable boyfriend. No word on whether or not he's just full of hot air, but it has been noticed that he doesn't cook or clean. In many ways, that makes him like just about every other boyfriend in the world.

I Said It Was A Free Kick Award
People get into heated arguments and fist fights over the game of soccer, but it isn't every day that an argument about a soccer match results in a gunshot. It's even less common when the soccer match is on the television. Yes, alcohol was a factor. No, it wasn't what got the men to watch soccer in the first place.

Pretty Sneaky Award
This may come as a surprise to people, but the police don't seem to key simply off of the clothing worn. A man in Allentown learned this for himself, after changing his clothes, and still finding himself under arrest. Given some of the descriptions given to police, it's probably good that they have taken time to look at other things, like evidence and clues.

Not Yours Award
Let's say that you come home to find a roommate, or perhaps a lover, asleep, curled around a bottle of alcohol. Most people would probably take the bottle away, possibly disposing of it. Most others, if they were the ones asleep, would wake, realize what happened, and go about their business. A woman in Michigan decided that she needed to draw a knife after her husband threw away her vodka bottle. Talk about an angry drunk.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week, with another pile of random news events. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 2, 2009

2009-11-06T13:08:00.002-06:00

Hello, everyone. Things have been quiet here on the CSM, for a couple of reasons. We've been busier with non-CSM things, and we're contemplating maybe taking the blog in a new direction. But, well, in the meantime, we'll at least try to commit to getting something up every once in awhile. Like today, where we come back with a bevy of awards. Let's dive in.

Clothes for Hide and Seek Award
This should come as a shock to nobody, but some people outside of the military wear camouflage clothes. This group of people can include children, which apparently makes some parents uneasy. However, people shouldn't worry about camo-wearing kids, unless they also start applying face paint to help them blend in better. In which case, be ready to get jumped by a roving gang of 5-year-olds.

Playing in Traffic Award
Speaking of children, sometimes they play in areas that are hazardous to them. We like to call most of those areas "playgrounds", but we digress. The worst place for kids to play? In the middle of the street, while their drunk father sleeps. But don't worry, after the kids were found the first time, child protection services were called. Sure, the dad fell asleep and the kids wandered away before CPS got there, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

Bad Idea/Bad Idea Award
We know we've gone over this before, people. If someone steals your marijuana, don't call the police. And definitely don't make it worse by then driving drunk, trying to find the culprit. Next time, seriously, only call if your munchies are stolen, and then stay home.

Dress for Success Award
We don't really know how to dress when planning on committing a crime. We would assume that choosing something non-descript would be a good plan, possibly opting for dark colors. We might also advocate in favor of something to conceal or distort the face. We definitely would not suggest a High School Musical blanket. You know, not unless you want to have to explain to your cellmate all about Zac Efron.

Way Ahead of You Award
Thank goodness the Parents Television Council exists. If it wasn't for them urging people not to watch an upcoming episode of "Gossip Girl" on the CW, something tragic might have happened. For example, people might have realized that the CW television network still exists.

Bottoms Up Award
How often do people really look at online advertising? Probably more than you'd imagine. After all, just about every one of us could probably recreate with little prompting the crazy dancing silhouettes selling car insurance. So that could be why some advertisers decide to get a little risque with their promotions. Some people, however, feel that the ads are akin to soft core porn. Listen, if people wanted to find porn of any kind on the internet, they certainly won't click on someone's advertisement... at least, not as a first resort.

Just Gimme a Kiss Award
As it turns out, kissing may only have roots in some sort of base stimulation, at least for women. Apparently, kissing can help a woman actually improve her immune system. With the recent H1N1 outbreak, it seems like now would be a perfect time to test that theory.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you when we see you. Stay safe out there.

Rough first day on the job?

2009-10-22T14:57:00.003-05:00

Think back to the worst first day you ever experienced on a job. No matter how bad it was, there's a good chance that a Utah man will have had a worse day than you. In fact, there's a good chance that he's had the worst first day in the history of employment.

After all, how many times have you found yourself kidnapped by your trainer?

That's what happened to a man who was starting his new career at a commercial baking company. His trainer suggested that they take a break a couple of hours into the shift. So the two took their break, got into a car, and headed to a nearby gas station to get something to drink. Then, the car turned away from work, and the driver started talking about his life, and his problems. It wasn't until the passenger was allowed out of the car to use the restroom that things started to turn around for him.

While we've definitely had jobs that we've wanted to leave on the first day, we've never gotten to the point where we find ourselves kidnapping new hires. The worst that we can see ourselves doing would be warning people about the soul crushing that they're bound to experience.

Of course, for many people, warning them won't do any good. The new job will at least carry a different style of despair than a previous job.

And sometimes variety is enough.

One for the road

2009-10-21T14:30:00.002-05:00

How exactly can one display both bravery and stupidity at the same time? Well, trying to emulate a superhero might just work. Another, less spandex-clad way?

Just finish your vodka after the cops have already pulled you over for a DUI.

That's just what happened in Ohio, after a man was pulled over. Originally, he was being looked at by the police for allegedly breaking into his former girlfriend's place. He followed that with a bit of a search, having left the scene before the police got there. When they finally did catch up with him, he was quickly given a field sobriety test, proving that he was intoxicated, and therefore the police were prepared to arrest him for the DUI. They also were going to arrest him for driving with an open container of alcohol.

But, in a brilliant example of making matters worse, the man drained the rest of the vodka bottle, thereby giving himself full access to yet another charge, this time for tampering with the evidence. More impressive, he didn't drink the remainder of the liquor until after his sobriety test. Perhaps it was merely a thought of, "Well, I'm already in trouble."

At least the guy wasn't seeing Rudolph in his pork chops. Because that would be weird.

Where did that go?

2009-10-15T15:01:00.003-05:00

Have you ever tried to find something, and just can't seem to remember where you left it? People will always say that it's in the last place you look, but that's because it doesn't make sense to keep looking after you've found it. Still, it can be an irritating thing, especially if what you're looking for is of some importance to you.

Now the real question. Have you ever done it with a baggie full of drugs? How about one that's stuck to your forehead?

A Pennsylvania man just had that experience. Even worse, the drugs were discovered by a police officer, after the baggie had apparently fallen out of his cap. After all, what better place to hide something illegal than right in front (and slightly above) of your own eyes? If you're smoking enough marijuana, you might want to leave it there so that you can easily be reminded of where it is.

Still, there have to be smarter locations to hide your drugs. Our first suggestion, naturally, would be to not actually carry drugs with you. After all, if you really need them, do you really need to bring them everywhere? It might not be convenient to leave them at home, but it might be wiser in the long run. If that fails, we're pretty sure that there's a tremendous invention called the "pocket" that some of these drug users could look into. It might be a bit safer of a location.

Although we suddenly understand the hipster fascination with trucker hats now.

So long, and thanks for the single fish

2009-10-14T15:03:00.002-05:00

Domestic violence rears its ugly head far too often. Sadly, not a day can go by without someone finding themselves in trouble with the law for beating up on a significant other. So what is it that really sets today's story apart, in such a way that we had to write about it?

How often do people stab fish in the altercations?

We're just going to guess not all that often, really. In fact, we can't recall the last time that we ever saw something quite so strange. Well, sure, there are all the garden gnomes acting like Nazis, but this is still weirder. After all, it's not like we're talking about a large fish, here. It was simply a betta, so nothing too overly large.

Okay, so a quick rewind and recap. A man decided that he needed to have a heart-to-heart with his ex-girlfriend. That didn't go quite the way he was hoping, so he lashed out. She left and called the police, returning with an officer in tow. Left behind in the middle of her wood floor was her purple fish, with a knife through it. Oh, and the the fish had originally been bought by the boyfriend in the whole situation.

If that wasn't weird enough, there was apparently also a consideration to ban the man from being within a certain distance of fish. So much for those visits to Petco.

Listen, if you really feel the need to commit some sort of violence against fish, there are better ways to go about it. Heck, if you just go out on a boat, you might even get people to pay you for what you do.

You know, for the seafood lover in all of us.

Sexy bitches

2009-10-13T16:13:00.002-05:00

All right. This has gone far enough. We remember a time where Halloween used to be about dressing in costume, having fun, and candy laced with razor blades. You know, a more innocent time. But it seems like every where you go, a new crop of "sexy" costumes is out there, and they don't necessarily discriminate by age. Okay, so maybe these costumes were always out there in some shape or form, but it just seems like it's gotten more prevalent in past years.

And now the next step has been taken. Want proof that people have gone too far, and they no longer have any sense of decency when it comes to Halloween?

They're selling "sexy" costumes for dogs. Yes, dogs.

Dogs, people? Really? If you must put a dog into a costume, shouldn't you go with tried and true (and, admittedly, dorky) costumes like the hot dog, or something like that? Why is there even a demand for people to see a poodle dressed like a French maid? Who wants a chihuahua made up to resemble a school girl?

On second thought, don't answer those questions. We really don't want to know. As it is, we'll already be quietly rocking in a corner, muttering to ourselves to make the bad things go away.

After all, "sexy" dogs is a scarier image than most horror movies can concoct.

Sound sleep

2009-10-12T15:55:00.002-05:00

There are many stories out there about people doing bizarre things in their sleep. From tales of people walking, to legends of people driving, all the way to sagas about people waking up in bed with strangers mid-fornication, the sleeping mind can sometimes cause the sleeping body to do a little more than expected.

But who would have guessed that one of the more amazing things that could happen to someone while they slept would be that they just remained sleeping? Of course, when you're surrounded by a house fire, not panicking is a pretty big feat.

What makes this story even more amazing is that, not only did the man sleep through the blaze, but part of the house collapsed, and the fire department was pretty sure that nobody could have survived. He was discovered after the fire was under control, during a walk through.

Admittedly, we've been prone to wanting to stay in bed when we're warm, but we're also fairly certain that, around 150 degrees or more, it should start getting too hot to sleep. Never mind about the water that had to rain down, in an attempt to put the fire out, which would have a high chances of finishing any sort of wake-up job that the heat didn't. Of course, there is the distinct lack of oxygen, that would allow a sleeping individual to remain asleep.

All told, though, it's very impressive that this man was able to survive, while his house collapsed around him. Let's just hope he doesn't decide he has super powers that need to be tested.

Effective, but wrong

2009-10-08T15:29:00.002-05:00

We were all set to look at how foolish men can truly be (or, at least, men who fill out polls on certain male-oriented websites), but, well, sometimes picking a fictional character as the most influential man just doesn't get to be the main story. Not when you've got lawyers doing some shady things in the cases that they're part of.

Specifically, for those playing at home, it's just not a good idea to specifically ask a group of gang members to show up when you're the defense attorney on a murder case. It's an even worse idea to have those gang members stand up while the witness is on the stand. As for the worst possible idea? Then looking for assurances that you won't get in trouble for your actions, since it wasn't "blatant witness intimidation".

What's even better, or worse, about this entire story? After the eight men who stood up in court were arrested due to possibly intimidating the witness, the defense attorney complained that the arrest created "chilling effect on my ability to represent my client." Look, if you think that maybe having some guys stand up, stare down a witness, and then get arrested might make it more difficult for you to keep your client out of jail, then maybe your client isn't the only one who should be getting looked at for wrong doing.

Man, Don Draper would never encourage that kind of behavior.

Fight fight fight

2009-10-07T16:17:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, the answer is violence. Most of the time it's not. How often does violence of some sort become the wrong answer when at a football game? The answer, naturally, is when coaches get into a fist fight on the sidelines.

But why would they fight? Especially given that this was taking place during a youth football game.

It seems that some of the parents and players for one of the teams had a problem with a player for the other team. Specifically, the fact that the player was a girl.

The dust-up started because some of the parents pointed out religious beliefs that it was wrong for a boy to hit a girl. Naturally, when using religion to point out how wrong violence is, the only possible recourse is more violence. After all, it would be a shame if people decided to sit down, think about things, and actually have a discussion about what's troubling them.

After all, if we did that, we might all be playing that other game of football.

Here, take it

2009-10-06T15:44:00.002-05:00

A man in Iowa had a strange experience last week when he walked into a convenience store. Little did he know that he had chosen a store that had been robbed enough times that the clerk would be panicked about someone holding their hand in their pocket.

So panicked, in fact, that they threw a bag of money at the guy.

But before you start cursing, and wishing that you were the individual, keep in mind that, legally, he still really couldn't take the money. Oh, and he still got arrested. Some days, you get a pile of money thrown at you, and some days you get arrested for public drunkenness. For this guy, both days happened at once.

Of course, we're focused on the clerk, and their reactions. Admittedly, if we were working some place that had been robbed even once, we might be a bit skittish about people who seem suspicious. And, given that the man in question was drunk, we have to assume that he did more than simply walk around with his hand in his pocket. Still, we do have to wonder if our first reaction would be to literally throw money at the guy, or if we'd just run.

Naturally, this story also does fulfill one of the few things to do on a Thursday in Iowa. So someone gets to scratch another one off their bucket list.

Interpretive reading

2009-10-01T14:27:00.003-05:00

It's time. We've sat by long enough, just hoping that it would go away. Obviously, it hasn't, and, well, we would be remiss if we didn't discuss it. After all, isn't that what blogs are for? Discussing into the ether?

See, the problem with this is that we really did hope that if we just hid for long enough, the situation would get resolved. Chalk it up to a reluctance to admit that other residents of our state voted her into office, but we just kept hoping that, if given enough time, Rep. Michele Bachmann would stop the crazy.

Yeah, obviously that isn't going to happen. In fact, she's decided to now focus on part of the proposed health care initiative. See, there has been research that the healthier students are, the better they do in school. So it would seem to logically follow that maybe it would be a good idea to get some sort of clinic-style care into the schools. In fact, the bill that is suggesting this even has language regarding patient rights, and the need for parental consent.

But not if your Rep. Bachmann. She doesn't see the clinics as a way for students to stave off the flu and possibly get treated for other potentially serious illnesses. Oh, no. The clinics are obviously going to be run by Planned Parenthood, be in place to give teenage girls abortions, and will probably even be giving advice on the best positions for a still-developing teenager to have sex in. Even worse, the entire thing will be done without the parents even knowing about it.

This is dangerous, and it's far from the most dangerous thing that Bachmann has done while in office. However, she has been given free reign to speak in whatever way she chooses. She is casting herself as a liability to the GOP, but every attempt to calm her crazy is only met with people even more convinced that what she's saying is correct. And yet, each time, her "concerns" about what is going to be done are met with the facts proving that she's simply fear-mongering, in a time when the American public is ready to move away from fear.

This woman has a terrifying lack of information. She is also one of the squeekiest wheels in Washington, and continues to be given a podium. If Nero fiddles while Rome burned, we just have to wonder what instrument Bachmann would play while she lights the matches.

Oh, the shame

2009-09-30T15:30:00.002-05:00

What would you do if you tried to rob a store, and encountered a yelling employee. Would you back down? Continue with your plan? Either way, it's fairly safe to say that you probably wouldn't call the police on yourself.

And that's why we love Japan. Stuff like that actually will happen there.

Admittedly, part of the problem for the robber was that the woman yelling at him was much older than him. She also proceeded to ask him what he was doing, which was probably a fair question to ask anyone who plans to rob a store with a stick. The man was so ashamed of his actions that he left empty-handed, wandered a short distance away, and called the police to turn himself in.

Now, it's probably safe to assume that, if something like this had happened in America, we'd be looking at an entirely different story. Not only could we expect that the crook wouldn't have turned themselves in, but they probably wouldn't have been content to leave without even a little money.

Of course, they also probably would have been carrying more than a wooden stick, but that's besides the point. Again, this story makes us love Japan a little more.

At least, until they shoot firecrackers up their nose.

A taste for crime

2009-09-29T14:48:00.002-05:00

Living in Massachusetts must do strange things to people. How else do you explain the entire Kennedy clan, Red Sox fans, or that whole incident a couple hundred years back with the tea?

More specifically, how do you explain the armed robbery of a hot dog?

No, the crook wasn't stealing from a hot dog, or even from a hot dog stand. He was stealing from a hot dog eater, and what he was interested in was that tasty combination of animal leftovers that we see populate sporting events, school lunches, and jokes about hallways.

Even weirder, the man who stole the hot dog didn't even really get away. Instead, he made a point of "devouring" the hot dog, and making a mess of his shirt with dripping mustard. By doing so, he actually found a way to make the crime even more bizarre than the original combination of hot dog and pellet gun.

It's almost too bad that the guy wasn't carrying a gun loaded like the ones from the movie "Airheads". He could have probably used the tabasco sauce to help power down the hot dog. Or at least he could have totally gotten away with mental incompetence.

At least, he could until he went on to star in a movie about being the Devil's son.

Goose roll-up

2009-09-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

We had to tackle two stories today. Partly because we have the attention span of a gnat, and partly because we see both stories as being just ridiculous enough for inclusion. After all, what else were we supposed to do with a story about a guy beating up a goose statue, and a story about people stealing Fruit Roll-ups?

Let's tackle the second story first. So the police were called because a homeowner felt that their house was broken into. By teens who at first claimed to know the woman's niece. Oh, and the teens also stole fruit juice, and may have been high at the time. Sure, there's some information about them taking jewelry, too, but that's not important to the story (obviously, look at the headline). If these kids really were stoned, well, it does seem to make sense as to why the theft involved a beverage and tasty fruit snacks. Besides, they probably didn't want to take a lot of time to look for Mountain Dew and Doritos.

Now, moving on to the first story, how drunk do you have to be to decide that you need to take out your aggressions on a statue? Wait, take that back. How drunk do you have to be to decide that you need to take out your aggressions on a statue of a goose, just because it's a goose? Most of the world will never know, but a Salt Lake City man found that elusive level over the weekend. With the level of alcohol needed to even start planning this type of assault, we're just going to assume that perhaps this individual wasn't even aware that it was a statue he was punching and kicking.

As for his anger towards the goose? Maybe he's like Batman, and a goose destroyed his family. Or maybe he was just tired of all the honking.

Or it could be that they stole his Fruit Roll-ups.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 21, 2009

2009-09-25T15:48:00.003-05:00

It's finally arrived, folks. The summer has ended, and with it, we've been saddled with the crush of fall colors, autumn-themed food items, and the crisp snap to the air that brings an extra awareness to the world. Hey, we'll take it. After all, it isn't winter. So let's start out our awards!

Brilliant! Award
Just a quick moment to say "Happy Birthday" to Guinness beer. Signing a 9000-year lease may have seemed crazy at the time, but we'd have to imagine that the company is going to be locked in to a pretty good rate for the remaining 8750 years.

A Fairy Nice Tree Award
If you live in Denver, you may wake up one morning with something new in your front yard. No, nothing disgusting, unless you really don't like trees. It's all the work of a Tree Fairy, who has taken it upon themselves to plant a number of trees in their neighborhood. Needless to say, the Tree Fairy is much more welcome than the Shattered Egg Fairy, or the Toilet Paper Fairy.

Crash Poof Award
A woman in Indianapolis recently awoke to find her kitchen missing. Well, it wasn't quite missing, but the car that had rammed into her house was. This is exactly why teleportation is still not available to the common person, and also why we don't have nice things.

Necroporn Debt Award
Okay, so it's not really a death-porn debt that we're talking about. The actual situation is weirder, as a woman in Austin took money from a dead body to recover debt for the porn that she'd sold him. Yes, while he was alive. No word on whether this is simply marketing for a new line of zombie movies.

A Little Too Effective Award
Isn't it sad when a school throws a lockdown, and nobody attends? Well, maybe sad isn't right. Maybe it's a good thing, because the point of a lockdown is to ensure student safety, and if the kids aren't at the school, they're probably away from the danger. Next week, the school plans on holding a fire drill on Saturday.

Scratching Takes Too Long Award
A robber in Georgia might be a little ashamed after getting home with their prize from a convenience store. After all, how many uses can you think of for already used lottery tickets? On the flip side, the burglar will get to see what other people won, and dream.

Hey Larry? About Your Gun Award
While it seems like stories about armed robberies appear in the news all the time, it isn't every day that a story includes the quote, "Please give me the gun back. It's not my gun," as a part of the retelling of the incident. That's what makes today, and this story from North Carolina, special. This crook is probably the neighbor who doesn't give back your garden shears, either.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Stay safe out there.

Was it left on the pillow?

2009-09-24T14:58:00.002-05:00

Hotels often see thefts. More specifically, they often see thefts of the items left out for guests to use during their stay. How many people have at the very least a hotel towel? And, of course, there's the frequent hotel bathrobes being worn far from the hotel that they are purported to be from.

Well, a couple of English hotels seem to be having a relatively unique problem. While they're still losing linens, they're also seeing lighting fixtures disappear. But that's not all, either. Apparently rentable sex toys also find their way into travel bags.

Yes, you read that correctly. In at least one hotel in Bath, England, people would be given the opportunity to rent a sex toy for their stay. We can only hope that they were properly sanitized before being passed on to the next individual. Still, we also can't imagine just what it would take for people to decide to keep the offering. After all, you may have a vague idea of where it's been, but you don't really know where it's been.

While we will admit that there are times when a level of absentmindedness comes into play, that excuse probably isn't going to fly as well when you're dealing with sex toys. Even if it is true that it was a totally accident packing mistake, would you really want to admit that you travel with toys often enough to get confused as to whether one is yours or not.

And to think, in America we just have to deal with "Magic Finger" beds.

Bringing nerdy back

2009-09-23T15:35:00.004-05:00

Folks, we love it when people take time out of their busy lives to find a way to create something that is going to make things easier for all of us. Even better if these items can be created in such a way as to be functional as clothing as well. After all, clothes just don't do quite enough, generally stopping at merely keeping us covered and warmer.

But we've got to wonder why people would really need a tie to hold their iPod.

After all, most of the time when people wear ties, they're wearing them with button-down shirts. Said shirts quite often have pockets. They might also be wearing a tie with a coat or a blazer, which again would provide pockets.

So does a tie really need to have pockets of its own? How about extra fabric to keep the earphone cords closely concealed? Is this really the best usage of creative talent?

Although we have to admit that these ties will make it a lot easier to listen to Shakira during that extremely long board meeting. Maybe we'll start seeing more businessmen with bushy beards, to further conceal the earphone cords.

Or maybe we'll just see these ties worn by hipsters, to match their fedoras and t-shirts. Yeah, that second option is more likely.

Good luck with that

2009-09-22T14:52:00.002-05:00

We have to applaud the French. Yes, it may seem weird, but they've taken some stands in the past that have actually been logical, or at least bold, and they've often done it before many other countries. Just look at the way they deal with Scientology.

Well, now they've turned their gaze on the fashion industry, and specifically on photos of models. Some French legislators would like to see warning labels attached to photos that have been altered. Or, as we like to call it, every photo of a model in existence.

In all honesty, though, the French are more specifically looking at the photos that are changed to present a completely unrealistic body image. With already thin models being turned into even thinner pictures, and a level of unhealthy eating across the planet, it only makes sense. After all, look at the huge outpouring of support when more realistic models are featured. Of course, those realistic models are still thinner than the average person, but because they appear to actually eat, they are considered plus-size, and they aren't often shown on the glossy pages of magazines. Perhaps if more "real" women were featured in these magazine spreads, we might start seeing less of an insistence on people damaging themselves all in the effort to reach a completely impossible silhouette.

Besides, it might not be bad for people to realize that all their favorite stars benefit at least from a little airbrushing. Heaven forbid we find out that the stars occasionally have oily skin and acne.

About time

2009-09-21T16:02:00.003-05:00

Far too often, when politicians get around to stepping into a situation, the average person has already decided that they've had enough. So it should come as no surprise to learn that government is finally considering stepping into another potential mess of a situation. And once again, their focus is internal, within our own borders.

More to the point, though, it's towards an institution that they're already very familiar with. It seems that Congress isn't too keen on the overdraft fees charged by banks.

Admittedly, this is a Congress that took the credit card companies to task for their business practices, and attacked mortgage lenders for being predatory, so it only makes sense that banks would find themselves on the short list. By the same token, people should really do a better job keeping a better eye on their own accounts, so as to hopefully avoid said charges. Obviously if people don't go negative with their accounts, they can't get charged.

That being said, it's probably for the best that there's at least consideration being given to someone stepping in, hopefully to start advocating for the consumer. Whether that stepping in is a more real-time example of people's financial situations, or just changing the order in which charges are applied remains to be seen. After all, while banks do need to see some sort of a profit, it probably shouldn't be coming entirely from people making mistakes with their money.

Of course, without the charges, imagine how bad the bailout might have been. And it's not like the government could charge $35 each time the bank made a mistake.

Our bad

2009-09-16T15:31:00.003-05:00

You know, it isn't every day that a government agency releases an apology to an entire demographic.

It also isn't every day that a government agency makes a blanket statement regarding said demographic and possible drug connections.

Let's just hope that the US Forest Service has learned their lesson.

It all goes to Colorado, where the Forest Service was concerned about armed drug growers. So they did the appropriate thing, by warning campers of the potential danger. The problem? The drug growers were described as people who "eat tortillas, drink Tecate beer and play Spanish music".

Yeah, we can't imagine why any Hispanic community would be upset by that, either.

Seriously, though, while the description may very well have been completely true with regards to the growers that the government was watching out for, it doesn't make their statement a good idea by a long shot. What else could they possibly have included to make it even worse? Should they have talked about the darker hair and ruddier complexions? Possibly mentioned that the armed growers might have spoken Spanish, or that they preferred soccer players with unibrows (okay, so that might have been a low shot)?

Perhaps they could have gone in the exact opposite direction, and instead of being incredibly vague, they could have tried to give some specifics. You know, as a change of pace for a government agency.