Not really hurting

Teenagers. They're always going around and doing, well, stuff. Some of that stuff is beneficial, as they have an energy and passion that can be unrivaled, when tapped into correctly. Some of that stuff is destructive, because that same energy and passion left unchecked can lead to negative results if not properly guided. Of course, teenagers tend to have a common gathering place outside of the schools. No, we're not talking about gas stations where they hope to find someone who will buy them cigarettes. We're talking about a different bastion of consumerism; the shopping mall.

Malls and teens have always enjoyed a tenuous relationship. On one hand, seemingly free money coupled with mass quantities of disposable goods seems like a match made in heaven. On the other, large gathering spaces without adequate supervision seems like a recipe for destruction. Many malls across the country have tried to accentuate the positive while curtailing the negative, enforcing curfews where teens need adult supervision after a certain time of day.

Take, for example, the Clearview Mall in Louisiana, which has started enforcing a "Parental Escort Policy". The terms of the policy state that anyone under 16 must be accompanied by someone who is at least 21, or they won't be allowed to stay in the mall. Of course, this wouldn't be America if the teens just sat down and accepted the policy. Instead, a group is planning a boycott of the mall itself, all due to the ruling.

We should point out quickly that the people that fall under such a policy are the ones who cannot drive themselves. Sure, mass transit may be one of the options, but, at least as far as Clearview Mall is concerned, gone are the days where parents drop their children off at the mall while Mommy and Daddy dash off to the casino for a night full of one-armed bandits and hot tub revelry (after all, why else would they try and dump the kids off knowing that they'll only spend their parents money?).

One of the students behind the boycott showed his generation's nimbleness, by posting a forum for the boycott on MySpace, but also their lack of information, by referring to the policy as a ban. Hate to break it to the kids, but a ban would say that nobody under 16 was allowed in the mall. Period. End of sentence. No chance for kids to come in with a drinking-age companion. They just wouldn't be allowed in. So, in all honesty, this really is a supervision policy.

The question is, will the boycott work? Sure, the mall has to be concerned about losing a potentially rich demographic, or at least one that spends freely because many of them aren't concerned with bills, rent, or child-support payments. The teens, on the other hand, will have to contend with finding a new place to loiter, possible (gasp!) even deciding to set new gathering areas in the outdoors, maybe in these new-fangled parks that we keep hearing about.

All we really know? The chances of there being a 7pm Hannah Montana concert at Clearview just got a lot slimmer.

(In)sensitivity training

People will often say something that they don't truly mean. Plenty of times, racist or sexist comments will be made, many that are innocent and meant without any vitriol. However, due to heightened awareness on all sides, comments that ten years ago might have been met with little more than derision are now facing larger consequences. But we all understand that mistakes in speech can be made. So what about those among us that make such mistakes while serving in public office? And what about when those mistakes are compounded by more?

Such was the case with a Utah senator, who referred to a bill he was opposed to by saying "this baby is black." Sure, he could have meant something that was entirely without racial connotations, but it was his follow-ups that really made matters worse for him.

A meeting was scheduled with the NAACP, but the senator backed out when he learned that the meeting would be public. He referred to a storm of emails as a "hate lynch mob". And then, when he learned that he had managed to offend again (and, really, when one thinks about the usage of lynch mobs, doesn't one tend to think of a racial connotation?), he followed this up by saying, "How do I know what words I'm supposed to use in front of those people?" If he'd continued, he may very well have stumbled across the terms "tar baby", "Uncle Tom", or worse.

Look, we firmly believe that speech is a powerful tool, and we acknowledge the power of words. We'd also love to believe that people have a brain of their own, and that we don't need to police every little thing that gets said, simply because someone might be offended by the term. This is not detracting from the power of the words themselves, but it is merely pointing out that many people are just a little too thin-skinned to engage in conversation with.

That being said, a public official, elected by his constituents to represent them, who chooses to use such language in a completely careless way does need to get reprimanded, and, preferably, in a public setting. Why, we almost expect him to start talking about internment camps, and expressing his love for the Orient.

When celebrities are caught saying these things, we expect public outrage and open apologies. We crave these public shows, even if we never accept the individuals again (right, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington?). So why should politicians be held to any different standard?

Oh, wait. Because more people voted for Sanjaya than GDub. Enough said.

Maybe he didn't have a costuming budget

There are few things that will ever seem as strange to do as videotaping yourself breaking into someone's house. Sure, it's a great home movie to show the family down the road, but have people learned nothing from all the kids that have been busted because of videos they posted on MySpace or Facebook? And yet, some people decide to go the extra step, and videotape themselves breaking into someone's home, all while wearing nothing but a thong and a smile.

Of course, with that sort of a wardrobe, there really isn't much of a way of hiding embarrassment, either.

To top it all off, the burglar in our story, who didn't just film himself gaining access, was thwarted in his efforts by the woman living in the house. While he ran away to a nearby group of trees, he left behind a crucial piece of evidence.

No, not the knife he was carrying. And, thankfully, not the thong that he was wearing. He left behind his video camera, which also had some family footage on the end of the tape.

Of course, it's entirely possible that the man wasn't simply trying to videotape himself in the middle of a crime. It could be that he was really an amateur porno director, one who casts themselves in the lead role, and he was hoping that, perhaps, the woman of the house would be a bit more receptive. Otherwise, we can think of little reason to parade around in a thong while training a camera on yourself.

If that was the case, just a quick word of advice for our thwarted assailant. There's a reason that the pizza guy or the repair man are recurring motifs in the industry.

For some reason, dollars never figure into the tip.

Way to step up

It's always nice when people give credit where credit is due. Take, for example, a group of parishioners in Texas who are just pleased as punch about one of their youth pastors. After all, said spiritual leader truly stepped up, accepted responsibility for his actions, and made his confessions to God.

Oh, yeah. And he confessed to the police. For a murder that he committed 12 years ago.

Members of the community are just so very glad that he confessed, and they don't want to see him arrested. Many are expressing forgiveness because, as one parishioner said, "the Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step."

Well heck, if that's all it takes, why don't more criminals just get home at the end of the day and say something like, "Forgive me Father, but I have sinned. Today, I robbed a convenience store of their money and a condom. Tomorrow I may rob someone else"? Actually, a number of criminals may say that already, or something similar. We'll never truly know, because, well, are any of us the type to instinctively trust someone who admits to breaking laws?

To the congregation in Texas, here's something else that the Bible says. "Thou shalt not kill." Not "Thou shalt not kill, or at least thou shalt feel really bad about it after a decade has passed." And while it's very true that the youth pastor has probably changed his ways quite a bit since the killing, the number of people praising his responsible nature for stepping forward and admitting his crimes seem to be missing a point.

He waited over ten years. During that time, he was teaching children, and, well, could have possibly snapped and killed someone again. Good for him to come forward now, but to say that forcing him to spend jail time would be removing a mentor from the community seems a little off.

It's not like anyone is spending their days looking up to OJ now, right?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 11, 2008

Welcome to Friday, and welcome to the day after Valentine's Day. Yesterday had people all over the place feeling the love, and yes, by love we do mean expensive dinners at overcrowded restaurants coupled with a near-obligation to partake in a romantic comedy of some sort. Us, we kept our eyes on the news, as we always do. Let's get this love affair rolling.

See Joe Pander. Pander, Joe, Pander Award
Joe Lieberman. We actually long to return to a time when we didn't have a story about him within a given week, but the Democrat/Independent/Republican-panderer just keeps himself in the news. This week, we learned that Joe isn't all that opposed to waterboarding, because, well, it's "not like putting burning coals on people's bodies". Sure, he'd like some restraint exercised as to how frequently the technique is used, but he doesn't believe it to be torture. This same technique was called illegal earlier this week by the Justice Department. So it's nice to know that Joe is willing to stand by his views, no matter how wrong they are proven to be. Lieberman also is a fan of putting burning embers on people, because, well, embers aren't quite coals.

Drinking For Two Award
Just when you thought it couldn't possibly happen, a woman in her seventh month of pregnancy has been accused of hitting a bartender with a beer bottle. The reason why? The bar had decided that maybe it was time to cut her off. Well, obviously, nobody puts baby in a corner, or tells it that it's time to stop drinking. Ultrasounds also show the baby already equipped with a cooler and a novelty beer helmet.

Who You Gonna Call? Award
A team of sewer workers in Eastbourne, East Sussex, called in a ghostbuster to help them deal with a suspected zombie in the sewers. An investigation into the area proved nothing, suspecting that it could be just high electromagnetic levels, or it could be an actual haunting. Dan Aykroyd had no comment, but the zombie is quoted as saying, "Nnnhhhhhhhh."

Nicaraguan Patriots Award
It seemed inevitable. The New England Patriots were cruising to an undefeated season, and only the New York Giants stood in their way. So, naturally, t-shirt producers began churning out celebratory "19-0" shirts. And where are those shirts now? Nicaragua, the big recipient of the unwanted shirts. This move is both good and bad. Good, because it delivers clothing to a group of people that might not have had access to it on their own. Bad, because now these children may feel that they were lied to, and that true perfection is unattainable. Good thing a lot of those kids will grow up to play baseball.

Slow Down, You Move To Fast Award
News of a tragic 25-kid pile-up reached us, resulting in many trips to the hospital (or at least the nurse's station) for treatment of various owies. Wait a minute. A 25-kid pile-up? Whatever happened to "Watch where you're going"? If only they had posted a speed limit...

Pot, This is the Kettle Award
A prison psychologist has been cleared of charges after having had sex with a mentally ill inmate. The psychologist reportedly "plans to raise the baby boy with him if he's ever declared safe", making us wonder about her own sanity. Oh well, apparently, those that can, do. In prison. With crazy people. We'll keep our eyes out for recommendations for the prisoner's parole. Meanwhile, Sigmund Freud is still fondling his cigar.

Overtime Schmovertime Award
We all know what it's like to get to the end of our work shift and really feel the need to clock out. Not many of us understand that feeling when you're a good 60 miles away from your destination. And even fewer of us can possibly comprehend that feeling when you're driving a bus full of recent parolees. The driver's time had expired, and they had pulled over, letting the passengers know that another driver was on the way. Nicolas Cage was later seen smirking to himself, but the expression was probably unrelated.

Say Twenty "Our Fathers" and Thirty "Oh Gods" Award
A Florida church is about to propose a fairly radical concept. The church is set to challenge their married parishioners to have sex every day for 30 days, while asking the single ones to abstain for the same period of time. The pastor is looking to help parishioners develop new levels to their relationships. No word on whether or not swinger couples will be asked to select just one partner for the entire thirty days.

And, on that note about a little more physical kind of love, we're going to take our leave. We'll keep our eyes open, though, to see if the love for McCain and Obama continues to sweep through the country, or if Huckabee and Clinton can sweep us away at last call with the promise of an after-party. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Heckuva job

Boy, those FEMA people just can't seem to catch a break, especially when it comes to anything having to do with Hurricane Katrina. First, they get blamed for their slow response time, and their overall lack of planning when helping those struck by the disaster.

Now, it turns out that their trailers are no good.

People ravaged by Hurricane Katrina that were given temporary homes in FEMA trailers will be finding themselves relocated again, due to high levels of formaldehyde found present in the air. Turns out that the trailers weren't the best plan for long-term housing, and FEMA will be moving the families into mobile homes, which are better suited for a longer displacement. After all, they've got the word "home" in their name.

Of course, for people living in the trailers, this doesn't come as much of a shock. After all, for the last year, families have been getting moved at a fairly rapid rate, even though problems have existed for two years, and FEMA themselves denied any issue when presented with findings showcasing the environmental risk. It wasn't until a lawyer got a judge to force the issue that the government agency actually began testing, with some help from the CDC.

At least now that they've got proof that they can agree with, FEMA is making amends, and trying to get things moving in a positive direction for the affected families. It's not like they did the research, saw the results, and chose to blatantly ignore them.

Gaffes like that are saved for higher levels of government.

A case of "Buyer Beware"?

The Internet. A wonderful tool that has brought people from all walks of life together, uniting them through common purposes. Whether that purpose is pornography, celebrity gossip, making fun of others, or some combination of all three, the web definitely has a place for you. A place where everybody knows your name, or at least your clever screen alias. And sure, there are people who utilize the global online community for business purposes, but where's the fun in that?

Of course, that doesn't mean that you should be careful when going online for certain things. For example, when auctioning yourself off as a willing sex partner to multiple winners, it might be a good idea to keep things to the somewhat-less-anonymous bar scene. Or you could find yourself pregnant, and not know who the father is.

Take a moment to read the story again. It's alright, we'll still be here when you get back.

Alright, now that you've fully processed the article, we just have to take a moment to pause and question. Mainly, we're questioning exactly what this woman could have possibly been thinking. She put herself (and her sexual favors) up for auction, through a site that only required the screen names of the men involved. She then proceeded to follow through with the terms from her end (good to know that she wasn't going to, um, screw them out of their winnings) and, surprise surprise, got pregnant. Now she wants to know exactly who the guys were, but the site that ran the auction is standing by its confidentiality agreement.

So, to sum up, a woman sold herself to multiple men without knowing anything about them (other than the fact that they could win an auction and use a computer), and, now that she's pregnant, she at least wants to get access to a phone number. Never mind that she may never actually determine who the father of her child is, because, well, that could require a legal battle to get the men to agree to a paternity test.

Only in Europe. Honestly, if something like this happened in America, the odds on favorites would be that the woman in question was a celebutard, and that the father was a back-up dancer for somebody. Even if they weren't famous, you can bet that they'd be jumping at the chance to get their story told on tabloid television, hoping it would lead to a lucrative film contract (or at least a TV-movie about their "plight").

We do hope for the best for the woman in question, but we're thinking that her chances of determining paternity are about as good as Jesus getting struck by lightning.

Oh, that happened?

Well, then. Good luck, fellas!

Finger lickin' good

It really does seem like it was only a matter of time before it finally happened. And by "it", we of course mean Kentucky deciding to embrace KFC as the official state picnic food. The bill is specifically mentioning the original recipe introduced by Col. Sanders in 1940, but it will obviously be a boon to KFC and to those who like to feel that they are supporting their state by eating an official state designated meal.

Naming an official state picnic food seems fairly innocuous. It really doesn't seem possible for anyone to get upset about the idea. And yet, well, this is America, where people are willing to sue over a wide variety of things, and willing to protest or complain about an even wider variety. So could there possibly be a group out there who would take offense to fried chicken rising to such a prominent position in the Bluegrass State?

This should come as no surprise to anyone, but PETA has some issues with the concept. The animal rights group, who has established itself as being a few steps beyond "rational" when dealing with anything on an animal front, is fairly upset, with one of their representatives saying, "If the state legislature moves forward with this one, then they should change Kentucky's state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken," obviously missing the point. After all, it's not like Kentucky is declaring fried cardinal the official state picnic food.

While it's been fairly conclusively proven that many animals raised specifically for mass consumption (chickens, cows, hamsters for some folks) are raised in conditions that aren't necessarily the most conducive to long healthy life, it's also not like we're looking to pamper these creatures. After all, humans have long been omnivores, and, as our population (and waistline) has increased, we've gotten used to the idea of fairly docile sources of meat. So maybe the chicken isn't living in a posh roost. Neither are a good share of the rest of us.

And, when it comes to living situations that aren't conducive to long life, why doesn't PETA look at this couple from the Moscow State Circus. Where is his support group clamoring to get him assistance?

Oh, wait. That would have probably been his wife, until recently. Oops.

Let's get (meta-)physical

Today, we've found two different articles that don't seem to flow together. And yet, when we hear most people say the word "exorcise", it sounds a lot like people saying "exercise". So, with that tenuous thread, we're going to move forward with our post.

Anyways, first we're going to focus on the "exercise" portion of the program. Hope that if you ever find your car stuck in a ditch, you can do it near a gym, like a German motorist recently did. The reason why? You may get rescued by a group of body-builders.

Yes, you read that correctly. After the driver got stuck in the ditch, ten people working on their 300 physiques dropped their weights, hauled the car out in a matter of minutes, and then returned to their workouts. They were even treated to a free round of energy drinks by the grateful driver, who could have saved money by trying to thank them with beer. Of course, we first start wondering if these weight lifters used proper technique. Then we quickly shift to the realization that, if only one of them had been a competitor for "World's Strongest Man", the other nine would have been superfluous. And he could have gotten the car out with his teeth.

Moving on, it's not just exercise that's gaining popularity (and thankful drivers) in Europe. As it so happens, exorcism is seeing a resurgence, as well. In fact, the number of priests trained to perform the rite has increased dramatically, as the number of people being sabotaged by demons and ghosts has risen. In fact, a priest in Poland is planning an exorcism center, sort of a one-stop shop for ridding yourself of the devil's footprint. The center would also feature "in-patient" service, allowing the plagued to stay for a few days to get the help that they need.

Church officials believe that the need for trained exorcists has increased because more people are eschewing the church. So yes, before you ask, likely cases that might need exorcism include those who have left Catholicism for a "New Age" religion or the occult. After all, what better way to bring someone back into the flock than to accuse them of being plagued by demons. Other groups that could be likely candidates include practitioners of yoga, and people that could be considered Internet addicts.

If only there were a way to combine the two concepts we've covered. Some sort of "exorcism exercise" could be truly awesome. Just think about it. Become the person you want, both inside and out. Shed demons while shedding pounds. And, if you drive your car into a ditch, trust that someone (or, possibly, ten burly someones) will come along to help you out.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 4, 2008

Happy Friday, everybody! It's been a full week, what with Super Tuesday, candidates dropping out of the race, shuttles blasting off, and some furry animal poking its head out of the ground. Honestly, we were hoping for things to be a little more clear cut after Tuesday, just because we were looking forward to headlines proclaiming an "Obama-nation". Not that we're throwing our support, just that we giggle a little when we say that out loud. Besides, we wouldn't want to be like Obama Girl, with her music videos and her proclamations of love, and yet her lack of voting. But that's another story, and one that we're going to gloss over. With that said, let's get rolling.

From Super to Sub Award
Oh, Joe Liebermann. You've had your trials and your tribulations. We watched you parade around as a potential VP, then saw how quickly the tide could turn when you stood steadfast after smooching GDub. And now, we see that you've been hit with the "Zell Miller" ruling. But don't worry, Joe. You'll always be super in our minds. Super-conflicted, but super nonetheless.

Think of the Family Award
In an historic operation, literally dozens of people with mob connections were arrested earlier this week, both in New York and in Sicily. 30 people were arrested on the Italian island, with more than double that arrested in America. Amongst those arrested? John "Jackie Nose" D'Amico and Domenico "The Greaseball" Cefalu. No word on the status of Tony "Panties" Marino or Gino "Prone to Seizures" Aurello. New York also seen shouting, "In your face, Sicily!"

I Said, "Whoa!" Award
The image of a hearse being drawn by horses is both beautiful and somber. That is, until the horses stampede and drag the coffin around the cemetery. Benny Hill's body later seen fleeing at top speed, being chased by women in bikinis.

A Quiet Roommate Award
It seems like a story like this is found every once in a while. An elderly man in Bristol hasn't had a complaint about his roommate for the last five years. This is largely because the roommate has been dead for that long. The living resident never called the police, possibly due to mental health problems. On the up side, they never fought over whether to watch "Big Brother" or "Doctor Who".

Keep Off the Grass Award
In Florida, they really take their lawn care a bit more seriously than most states. If you need proof, just try and find another state where someone was killed after a dispute about the length of the grass. And here in Minnesota we thought it was bad when people don't shovel the walk. As for the Florida neighborhood, might we suggest Astroturf?

I Love Choco-... Oh Award
Science has once again decided to flex its muscles, as a lab in Texas, at the request of a television station, found ways to keep us all from enjoying our Valentine's Day chocolates this year. The lab discovered hair and insect parts in many of the chocolates. Sales for chocolate-covered ants will definitely be hurt by this report. As for us, we're still waiting for "Crunchy Frog" to become available.

Isn't It Ironic? Award
In an effort to help slow down major global climate change, people have begun resorting to biofuels such as ethanol. And yet, in a report published Thursday, biofuels actually cause more greenhouse gas emissions than standard fuels. This explains why Exxon has been laughing as they skip and sing their way to the bank.

Zap! Award
The Nebraska Supreme Court has recently found itself in line with many other states in America, as they have now ruled that the electric chair is "cruel and unusual punishment", and therefore must no longer be used. Of course, when compared to being forced to listen to Dr. Phil or trying to understand caucus logistics, the chair doesn't seem all that bad.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, possibly even with a look into candidate tax returns. Until then, we'll just keep looking ahead, trying to make our best guesses as to how things will turn out. We'll also be keeping our fingers crossed that the WGA strike may be over soon. Our television misses us. Stay safe out there.

Up, up, and up

Is there anything that medications can't do? Sure, some people will say that medication won't repair a broken marriage, and others will be hesitant to use medications as a primary source of income, but couldn't it just be that these people haven't tried the right pills?

And what exactly are the right pills? We used to believe that each situation and/or condition had its own required medication. We're beginning to find out that there may just be a wonder drug that works wonders, and no, we're not talking about aspirin.

We're talking about Cialis.

Why are we mentioning anti-impotence drugs? Because, apparently, Israeli fighter pilots may get anti-e.d. pills to help them combat dizziness caused by low oxygen levels while they combat enemies caused by building a wall around the Gaza Strip.

The pills have worked for climbers in higher altitudes, and Israeli army doctors think that the pilots could see similar results during their long exposures to thin air, making breathing much harder.

Of course, if these pills don't bring about the intended result, at least we can rest assured that the Israeli pilots will be steady and strong, possibly for hours at a time, during intense sessions. And if that doesn't provide us all with certain levels of comfort and joy, then we don't know what will.

We can hear the new tagline already... "Cialis. For when you need to go up and away."

All in the definition

Part of the challenge facing teachers in our global society is how exactly to address certain topics, while keeping themselves out of trouble. Here in the United States, plenty of instructors are finding themselves teaching mainly to standardized tests, even skipping other pertinent information that could be useful in order to prepare the students best for the tests that they know will be given out. In other parts of the world, some teachers take their own tactic.

Take, for example, the Australian teacher who, at first, found himself under fire for an assignment, only to be cleared of wrong-doing and later promoted. His assignment?

He asked a group of 8-year-old students to answer the question, "Is Nudity and Pornography the same thing?" Of course, he encouraged the students to use the Internet as a valuable resource to come to their conclusions. After all, the Internet has plenty of material on both subjects.

That's where the "Oops" comes in. A number of the students viewed the homework assignment as an opportunity to download porn off of the Web. When questioned, the teacher stood by his assignment, pointing out that he merely intended the students to gather definitions, not to actually view the imagery. Of course, he also pointed out how important it is for children to understand the difference, and to learn about sexual health and awareness within a physical education curriculum. Complaints were lodged, the computers were cleansed, and the teacher was given a pass on his assignment.

Of course, part of the outrage comes from children being exposed to pornographic material, but, in today's modern world, it's almost impossible to shield people completely. Heck, most internet sites have at least a little implied pornography, if not blatant imagery. We've even talked about the frequency of celebrity nipple slips, and it's hard to avoid a comment here or there about various sexual acts.

Part of us wonders if this had come about because, for some reason, people are still more comfortable with children viewing violent acts, as opposed to sexual ones. While it's certainly true that children are often too immature to deal with the sexual ramifications, a good number of them can't quite separate when their favorite movie character gets into a fight. And yet the double standard still exists, where sex is taboo, but a good raucous gunfight is suitable for primetime entertainment.

If only it had gone the other way around. We might have been treated to images of celebrities fighting each other, as opposed to showing a severe distaste for undergarments.

"One Night In Paris" could have been an entirely different video.

Those bathrooms are killers

Wal-Mart has something of a bad reputation. Not only are the megastores practically synonymous with driving out smaller local shops while paying workers less than a livable wage, they are seen as the embodiment of evil for many. How any store that places its hunting equipment just a few aisles over from it's bicycles and toys could be seen as evil is beyond us, but, well, plenty of people seem to jump all over Wal-Mart when they're talking about the evils of consumerism and the corporate culture.

Take, for instance, a woman who wrote a letter to Wal-Mart. She's upset that she hasn't gotten a response yet. Of course, the letter was written shortly after an incident in August, and she wants to know why it took a janitor 9+ hours to find the body of her husband, but we can't expect that any major corporation is just going to freely hand that information over. Especially with the highly competitive nature of so many of these corporations.

Look at it this way. Wal-Mart doesn't blatantly explain how they can sell DVDs for $29, or TVs for a nickel. Sure, a lot of people can assume that it's a combination of substandard quality coupled with low wage overhead, but we can't be certain. When it comes to determining how a janitor could completely miss a dead body for so many hours, sure, one could guess that the root cause was a combination of lack of training and overall laziness (possibly caused by wage strife). And it's not like Wal-Mart is being considered responsible for the death itself. If they were, you can practically bet that some of these other "big box" stores would be crawling all over themselves to see which one could be responsible for the next corpse left undiscovered for a double shift.

Seriously? Wal-Mart isn't responding to this situation? What, are they afraid that they somehow might look worse than they already do? There's really only one way for that to happen.

They could hire the current administration in customer service positions.

And over here we have the Casanova

Marketing can be difficult. Not only do you have to come up with a clever way to convince people to buy things they probably don't need, but you also need to constantly be creating new ways of interacting with the world, at least for the consumers. Good marketing can put people at ease and make them feel good about their expenditures. Bad marketing can lead to riots and Gozer the Gozerian's rise.

Okay, maybe not. But bad marketing definitely can lead to complaints, and poor research by a marketing department often results directly in a poorly constructed campaign. Woolworths in Great Britain was recently reminded of that, all over a six-year-old girl's bed.

The problem with the child's bed? It carried the model name "Lolita".

That's right. The title character from the Nabokov story, the character practically synonymous with underage promiscuity (well, at least until Jamie Lynn Spears), the character who has been the subject of multiple movie treatments and a psychological diagnosis, was able to bestow her name onto a bed designed for a little girl, and, until they took the time to look on Wikipedia, the staff at Woolworth's didn't think anything of it.

While we can forgive the staff (somewhat) for not being familiar with the novel, we really have to wonder exactly what type of box their marketing department was kept in. After all, there should have been at least one person on their staff who had some sort of a faint recollection when the name "Lolita" was first bandied about, and that recollection should have prompted a web search, at the very least. Admittedly, when the issue was brought to their attention, the bed was quickly removed from their product line, so they do get some credit for acting quickly, but the entire situation could have (and should have) been avoided from the start.

What's next? Knives marketed under the name "Oedipus"? The "Ophelia" hot tub? And let's not forget the possibility of the "Arthur Dent" towel set.

Actually, that last one isn't such a bad idea.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 28

What a week this has been. We've seen presidential hopefuls becoming hopeless in the blink of an eye. We've seen candidates previously at each other's throats warmly embracing. We've seen the zombie of Ron Paul continue to shamble across the country, moaning something about delegates. And let's not forget celebrities and their shenanigans. So let's get our awards rolling.

Jai Guru Indeed Award
Next Monday, in honor of a number of anniversaries, NASA is planning on beaming the Beatles song "Across the Universe" quite literally across the universe. The song will be beamed out to Polaris, and even Sir Paul McCartney is excited about the prospect of having his music heard by extraterrestrial ears. Of course, if NASA wanted the song to be understood, they might have considered sending something that Ringo penned, instead.

Just a Little Pin Prick Award
An acupuncturist in Texas is trying for a second time to get licensed in the state. The trouble that she ran into the first time, and may run into the second time? She's legally blind. Given the fact that acupuncture requires very specific placement, it would seem to us that letting the blind poke you with pins would be akin to letting OJ Simpson give you anger management training.

Va-Va-Va-Voom Award
For many years, the only reason that men cared about women wearing lingerie was because, well, they thought it was being done solely to impress them. For many years, that theory worked, because many men have found themselves impressed by women in sexy undergarments. A graduate student (male, for those of you playing at home) recently determined that women also buy lingerie based off of what other women think. This explains so much about sorority pillow fights.

Let's Go to the Tape Award
Earlier this year, a scandal fell over a beloved American institution. This scandal is now being looked into by one of our senior senators, Arlen Specter (R-PA). That scandal, of course, was the sideline taping done by the New England Patriots early in the NFL season, and fact that the tapes have now been destroyed. While admitting that the revelations will have no bearing on major (or many minor) events working through the halls of government, he stressed the importance of the investigation, to renew the faith of the American people in the National Football League. Because nobody has plans for Sunday night.

Brother Can You Spare A Lawyer? Award
A panhandlers union in Ottawa, Ontario is preparing to sue the city over a fence put up around a bridge underpass, taking away a potential sleeping area from the city's homeless population. Yes, you read that correctly. A panhandlers union. What happens if they go on strike?

Nothing To See Here Award
Pam Anderson, known almost as well for her porn tapes and disastrous marriages as she is for her longtime role on "Baywatch" is set to appear at a Parisian nude revue. Anderson is planning on doing a striptease while atop a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Wait, wasn't that just a scene in "Barb Wire"? And yes, the French have already surrendered to fits of nausea.

How Many Delegates in Botswana? Award
The world is watching the upcoming presidential elections in the United States with great interest. This comes after eight years where the international view of the US has grown steadily poorer, and a number of countries are looking to see who becomes the new Commander in Chief in a hope that they can restore America to a credible position. This explains why there's been a large German push for President Hasselhoff.

Defending Our Borders Award
Let's hear it for the Department of Homeland Security! After years of difficulty establishing better controls at the United States border, they've made great strides in keeping illegals out. Of course, those new controls are at the US-Canada border, but hey, we'll take the little victories. Canada can keep their universal health care, low-cost medications and friendly citizens all to themselves. Can we establish more restrictions around Quebec?

Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time Award
A new debit card is offered by Reserve Solutions. Instead of draining your checking or savings account over time, this new card will allow the consumer to borrow directly against their 401(k). That sound you hear is your retirement melting away from $3 service fees.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, by which time we fully expect a new glut of celebrities to be either entering or leaving rehab. We also expect that, for at least a day and a half, the only news we'll see will be about some silly game played with an oblong ball. Stay safe out there.

Shootings in the schools

Today's title may draw some concern from people reading us around the globe, and it's easy to see why. After all, especially in the last few years, the mere thought of guns in schools has brought a chill to the spines of many people. Of course, for many, the thought of guns out of schools can elicit the same shudder, but there are definitely situations where firearms are acceptable.


One of those situations is, of course, hunting and hunter saftey training. After all, while there are still those who will hunt with a bow, it's much more common to hear of hunters with rifles. Given that tendency, it also makes perfect sense that most hunter safety courses focus on the proper usage of firearms.


But why are we mentioning these two seemingly disparate topics in the same post, a mere paragraph apart from each other? For that answer, we look to West Virginia, where they are thinking of a new way to combat shrinking numbers for hunters. Fewer hunters leads to less money in government coffers, and West Virginia is toying with the idea of teaching hunter safety to school children, in an attempt to spur the numbers upwards.


But for all of you worried about guns in schools, don't panic yet. After all, the guns that the kids would use would either have "dummy ammunition" or be disabled to prevent them from firing. And, with proper training, we can at least rest assured that any future school shootings, should they stem from West Virginia, will be coming from people trained in how to be safe about it.


Here's the thing. We understand that hunting is important. It's been long part of mankind's survival, and it's a way to help curtail animal populations that have lost other natural predators. In fact, for some animals, the hunting season actually helps spur their population on to better health. And, well, hunters are getting older as a group. This actually keeps them in line with many other physical activities, including professional sports. Don't believe us? Look at someone like Brett Favre and try to tell us that the population isn't staying active later in life, due to a number of different circumstances. And, equally true, younger generations aren't flocking to hunting as readily as their ancestors, but that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea to introduce hunter safety in schools.


Of course, this could also be an opportunity. The hunter safety courses could be paired up with biology, giving the dissections more of a real-world impact. And, for students a little squeamish, they can always resort to video game versions of the hunt.


Just so long as there isn't a laughing dog to mock the students with poor aim.

Equal opportunity

Ah, the dating world. It's a world full of ups and downs. In many ways, it resembles an amusement park, and it's definitely not shy on nausea-inducing events. Of course, with a rapidly changing world, dating has been forced to keep up. Online dating, speed-dating, and group dating have all grown in popularity over the years as people have less and less time to devote to romantic endeavors.

Generally, within the world of dating, there's been a bit of a disparity. Women have generally been encouraged to seek financial security, irregardless of the looks of the men, while plenty of men have stepped into the dating pool long enough to find the youngest, most attractive fish out there that they can play provider for. For years, these pairings of older, richer men with younger, more attractive women have been something of a standard, at least outside of the couples in the same relative age, looks, and finances columns. But a new speed-dating event being organized in New York City is looking to change some of that, or at least present equal footing. They don't want young women to be looked at as arm candy anymore.

Well, okay, so they still want that. But they want "boy toys" to be added to the mix.

The website promoting the event carries the words, "Symbiosis has allowed ugly rich men to attract young, gorgeous, money-hungry women for centuries; it's now the women's turn", and that concept alone is causing some men looking for a "sugar mama" to the February 7 event. The women are being asked to be over the age of 35, and to make a cool half-million dollars per year, all to further entice young men to their table.

But before people start jumping the gun to claim that this is just another way to objectify women, it should be noted that the women actually tend to prefer younger men, because they tend to pay more attention. One woman says, "I find younger guys will usually be totally into you while older guys will be looking over your shoulder at a younger woman". For years, the saying has been, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander". Well, maybe it's time for these geese to take a taste of what the ganders have been toying with for years.

Besides, most of the men who would attend the event aren't there to objectify the older woman. While there may be a physical component to it, these men are looking to her intelligence, her experience, and to her accomplishments. Oh yeah. And her pocketbook.

Ah, money. The great equalizer.

Not yet dead

We've seen a few stories recently surrounding British citizens who were believed to have been dead for years. Of course, odds are that, if you've been "dead" for years and you reappear, there's a chance that you faked the entire thing in the first place. That's why it's so refreshing to see a story out of Poland, talking about, um, a man who was believed to be dead.

But wait, there's a difference. In the Polish story, a drowning victim was wrongly identified, and when the man showed up a couple of days after his own funeral to prove his continued life, the authorities jumped right up to help him and correct the mistake.

Wait, no, they actually have spent the time since August insisting that the man is deceased. This, of course, is frustrating to anyone who needs to prove that they are alive in order to work and have insurance. On the plus side, he hasn't had to pay any taxes, but, after a few months, we're willing to bet that money's getting a little tight.

It seems odd to us that, if a person shows up with proper identification to prove that they are, in fact, alive and well, that any government agency would continue to insist that they actually buried the correct person with the correct name. For any government worker to insist that, "This citizen does not exist" really makes us wonder how such a citizen could give a report to a newspaper.

Sure, it's possible that the person in question is really just a high-functioning zombie, but that would pretty much keep him from referring to the situation as "a joke". After all, everyone knows that zombies don't really have much of a sense of humor.

For proof, just look at Carrot Top and Dane Cook.

Must be this tall

We're all used to seeing things saying that you have to be above a certain height to participate, and others saying that you need to be shorter to do something. Even restaurants have used such a scale when it comes to determining pricing for children's meals. While not every eatery will rely on such devices, those that do make it fairly obvious about their policies. There may be some flexibility in the pricing, but usually if a policy is posted, it is followed.

So, naturally, when a parent finds out that their child is too tall to get the discount, it's time to complain loudly.

That's exactly what happened to a sushi restaurant in New York state. The restaurant had previously had a policy giving discounted meals to children between ages 3 and 10, and they shifted their policy recently to a height scale. After all, by placing a ruler on the wall, it takes a lot of the guess work out of the situation. So when an 11-year-old girl was charged full price because she was a couple of inches too tall, her mother became irate.

Now, we just want to point out again that the previous policy had been only for children between 3 and 10, so, even under the old system, the daughter would not have gotten the discount.

The mother complained, and she felt slighted. She even asked the manager, "Do you really feel that if my daughter is tall that she's going to eat more?" In many cases, a manager would probably say, "Yes", or at least indicate that there was a chance. After all, it has been fairly comprehensively proven that greater height is a combination of good genetics and better nutrition. While better nutrition doesn't always equate to a bigger appetite, it could at least be an indication. After all, it is relatively hard to believe that a 3-foot tall person will eat more than a 6-foot tall person. While it could happen, it's fairly rare.

Here's the bigger problem. The restaurant has a policy, and one that isn't veiled in secrecy. It's out in the open for everyone to see. So her little girl didn't meet the height qualifications. By the mother's own admission, her daughter isn't a fan of sushi, so that would cut the tab right there. And, again, we remember the old policy.

Maybe people are overly sensitive to anything involving their children, or maybe we're just too cynical when it comes to looking at the world, but it seems to us that, if the policy is in place, and you don't fit, you should either accept it or move on (as this family eventually did).

All things considered, this could have been much worse. After all, the family could have decided to sue the restaurant. In light of that, complaining to the manager and leaving isn't such a bad idea.

But hey, at least someone is thinking of the little people.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 21, 2008

Friday has arrived, and, at least in our part of the country, it's bringing a bit of warmth along with it. This week has featured sub-zero temperatures, hockey losing its shining star to injury, and the departures of both Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich from the overcrowded Presidential fields. There's something else that happened, too, but we figure it probably got enough coverage by now. So let's roll along, shall we?

Tearing Down the House Award
Imagine yourself on a beautiful vacation. Now imagine that vacation coming to an end, and you are returning home, aware that there might be a burst pipe or a puddle from a pet. Got that firmly in your mind? Now picture what a Russian woman went through, when she returned from vacation to find that her house had been demolished. The woman was doubly upset to find that Ty Pennington wasn't there with a crew of capable Russian carpenters.

Adding Insult to Injury Award
Okay, so technically the incident in question didn't involve injury, as a driver and a cyclist were involved in an accident in Spain, leaving the cyclist dead. The insult comes from the notion that the driver is suing the dead cyclist's family for the damage done to his vehicle. The driver refers to himself as also being a victim, citing, "you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine". OJ Simpson has volunteered to find the real driver.

Like Looking for a Castle in a Haystack Award
A man in England decided to take a novel approach to avoid planning regulators. He built a mock castle, and then hid it behind hay bales, all while living inside of his creation. The farmer was attempting to skirt around a regulation that prohibited new building, using a law that allows buildings without planning permission to exist if they receive no objections in four years. Officers in Surrey disagree, saying that the haystack hid the castle well enough that they never knew the castle was there. Others say that they simply don't want to visit the castle, saying that it's a "silly place".

Slow News Day Personified Award
You know that the news is slow when a Wisconsin radio station mentions how cold it is, and that people are travelling south for warmth. Other news that they're looking into include an expose into the fact that night is darker than day, and a story about how zombies have not yet risen to overtake the land.

Wee Willy Winky Award
A serial sex offender decided to try a novel approach to proving his innocence recently in court. While claiming that he was too embarrassed about the size of his manhood to expose himself to women, he proceeded to flash the jury. He was convicted, but, on the up side, is a little prouder of the inches he's packing.

OldSpace Award
High-schoolers are slowly coming to terms with a new concept. That concept? Older generations (specifically their parents) are using MySpace and other social networking sites to know what's going on with their children. The biggest complaint from children seems to be that "friending" their parents leads to showing parts of themselves they may want to keep hidden. Meanwhile, a big complaint from parents is that their teens never bother to clean their cyber rooms.

For Fun It's a Wonderful Toy Award
The worst possible time to slip and fall down the stairs? Quite possibly when you're wearing high explosives, as an Afghani recently learned. We note that the article refers to him as a "would-be suicide bomber". Even though he didn't get to his intended destination, didn't he still kill himself with a bomb? Mission technically accomplished, people.

I Need This Lamp, and This Paddle-Ball Game Award
A man in Painesville, OH was sentenced to an interesting 24-hour sentence after being convicted of stealing from a Salvation Army kettle over the holiday season. He was sentenced to a day of being homeless. Ironically, if the man would be forced to survive another couple of days as a homeless individual, he would become eligible to receive assistance from the Salvation Army.

And that wraps up our posting for this week, everyone. This past week has been something of a blur, and, we're fairly certain that a certain ex-President isn't the only one who slept through part of it. We'll catch you all next week with more stories and more flavor. Stay safe out there.

Applied math

We all know that there's a strong stereotype regarding the mail service. No, not that it is work that will slowly drive the people doing it beyond the brink of insanity. And no, we're not even thinking about that old motto about inclement weather being nothing to them (but don't mention a federal holiday in their presence, or you'll see them disappear faster than the Edsel).

Nope, the stereotype that we're looking at is the overall speed of the postal service. After all, even before the advent of email and text messaging, people complained about how slow postal mail was.

Well, leave it to a Polish IT worker to take the time to prove that even snails can travel faster. In an experiment, he calculated the average speed per hour of the letter, and then did the same for a typical garden snail. After all the math was done, he was left with the sad conclusion that the snail outpaced the letter, clocking in at .048 km/hr, compared to the letter's speed of .03775 km/hr.

That's right, folks. Scientific (okay, mathematical) proof that snails are faster than letters, by over a centimeter per hour. That certainly explains why the last time we saw a snail riding on an envelope, it bore a slight, "Are we there yet?" expression.

Snail mail, indeed.

How do you sign up?

Today presented us with some tough choices, and we had to weigh our decision carefully. Would we talk about the recently departed? Perhaps make some slams on a presidential candidate? Pick Fred Thompson as our subject, and kill two birds with one stone? Or would we just find another way to skewer science?

And then we were faced with choosing between a mug and a girl on a leash.

On one hand, you've got a "World's Greatest Dad" mug being presented in court as evidence that the suspect couldn't possibly have murdered his step-daughter. On the other hand, you've got a woman who refers to herself as a "pet" being upset that she was treated like an animal when she tried to board a bus. Both stories just seemed to beg for us to look a little deeper.

And then China came along and put its large Communist foot down. If it hadn't been for China deciding to ban unapproved reincarnation, we'd still be debating between the coffee mug or the girl who's soul is as black as French Roast.

Thank you, China. We understand that there are a few too many "living Buddhas" running around out there, and, well, we're fairly certain that by putting a stop to these unapproved reincarnations, you'll be able to cut their numbers down. Not only that, but you're practically assured of being able to direct the course of religion for a large number of people, given the large belief that many Buddhists have in the ability to reincarnate.

Of course, these permits also work additional wonders, as someone who proceeds to apply for the permission to return in a new life not only needs to be sure that they actually get to do so, but that they will come back as a socially beneficial being. With the advent of the permits, we may see fewer gnats and other pests around the globe. After all, if you have to get permission to reincarnate, are you going to want to run the risk that you might be something less than a benevolent mammal? Heck, you're probably going to make every effort to ensure that you return as a human.

So good for you, China. We're really proud of you taking this stand. And we're positive that you'll use your new responsibilities properly, and not just for your own personal gain. We'd really hate to think that this is all yet another move to spite the Dalai Lama.

We just hate to think of him frowning.

Depends on your definition of "safe"

Scotland is working to overturn a ban that the United States has been holding onto for a while. No, we're not talking about the ban on bagpipe music (that would just be a good idea). The Scots, looking ahead to this upcoming Friday and international celebrations of Robert Burns, are hoping to overturn the United States ban on something they themselves hold dear.

They want to give us their haggis.

Haggis was banned in the US following the Mad Cow Disease outbreak in the United Kingdom, and America has been steadfast in keeping the delicacy from our shores. True, people can always make their own, but there's just an extra something special about true Scottish haggis, at least, that's what the Scots are claiming. They also claim that, "It is safe or we wouldn't eat it here", but that argument carries little weight coming from a part of the world not really known for its gourmet foods.

True, haggis is a bit of a change from many of the other meals that people globally find themselves eating, but there are many times where a change isn't really for the better. Besides, if haggis starts getting imported, what can we look for next? Lutefisk?

We have to draw the line somewhere, and we feel like drawing the line at sheep innards.

The opposite of the intended

Police are supposed to uphold the law. Their chosen profession also means that they are working to keep others from violating those same laws. A couple of police officers near Berlin accidentally ended up helping thieves get away with a larger score.

The thieves stole an unmarked squad car. Because the cops had left it running with the keys in the ignition.

This whole thing happened after a high-speed chase, and, when the criminals crashed their car and started running, the police decided to follow suit. Unfortunately, in a move that can only be described as "Oops", the officers left their car running, and quickly found themselves the victims of grand theft auto.

Of course, if only there had been some sort of remote start or keyless entry system, this whole thing might have been avoided. Heck, if either of the cops had thought to turn the car off and grab the keys, this would have been avoided. But it's not like crooks win every time.

Sometimes the money they grab turns out to be bread rolls, instead of bank rolls. But think of how many sandwiches they can make.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 14, 2008

Welcome back, everybody. This week has featured a wealth of different stories, and today will be no different. This week has also featured a dramatic drop in the mercury. Thankfully, we learned last week that mercury doesn't make a good toy, so we can rest easy with the knowledge that it will climb again. We've also seen hints towards economic stimulus coming from GDub, perfectly timed for when the stock market is seeing its lowest points in years. So let's get underway, shall we?

Let the Punishment Fit Award
News reaches us this week that, as part of her plea bargain, Lindsey Lohan will be forced to work in a morgue. The goal of the work is for her to connect her DUI with possible outcomes. It's actually quite appropriate for her, as she'll be able to visit her career at the same time.

Funny Guy Award
Barack Obama is trying a new tactic, with the approaching Nevada caucuses. After having played if fairly nice in Iowa and New Hampshire, he's attacking some of the statements in his opponents, and doing it in a stand-up format. Of course, he's already proven himself to be funnier than Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook, and FOXNews combined.

Loosely Tied Award
In the interests of equal time, we're also going to mention a GOP candidate who's been creating some headlines over the past week. Mike Huckabee drew some attention when he connected homosexuality to bestiality. He also drew a link between abortion and slavery. For his next trick, we expect to see him draw a direct connection between poverty and a love of rap music, or between having teeth and really really like to dance.

Worst Eye Exam Ever Award
A woman recently sued her eye doctor and his assistant, alleging that her toes had been sucked by the assistant during an exam. The toe sucking happened during a "strip exam", and the woman had kept her eyes closed until she felt something touching her feet. Apparently the concept of having her legs elevated for an eye exam didn't raise any warning bells. Of course, we always thought that a "strip exam" had more to do with working a pole than getting new glasses. The things you can learn...

I'd Prefer a Land Shark Award
For many people, the door-to-door salesman is something to be looked at skeptically. Whether the sale is vacuums, wreathes, or cookies, people are a little hesitant. Except, apparently, in Springfield, MO, where people were willing to purchase tattoos from a door-to-door salesman. Apparently the tattoo gun made with fishing line, tape, and a standard pin didn't raise any alarm bells, either. Meanwhile, those who received the tattoos are now searching for whether or not "gullible" was truly removed from the dictionary.

Biggest Sale Ever Award
A creationist museum, in an attempt to get enough funds to stay open, is looking to sell the skull of a mastodon, estimated to be around 40,000 years old. The age of the skull alone points to it as being a creationist fraud, as the planet isn't even that old yet.

Planes... In... Space Award
What would be one of the weirdest things to launch from the International Space Station? If you said Japanese paper airplane, you're absolutely correct! Once the experiment actually commences, expect to see new "Super Happy Funtime Space Fun Airplane Paper" at your local toy store.

The Monkey Rests, Your Honor Award
A Texas appeals court has recently upheld a decision stating that chimpanzees and monkeys are not able to file lawsuits. This ruling should drastically reduce the number of lawsuits in Texas.

Cut and Paste Award
According to teachers in the UK, web plagiarism has become a severe problem. It's gotten so bad that some students actually leave weblinks in the text of their papers. This also explains why so many papers can be found with comments like, "Lincoln totally fr33d teh slaves!!!!!!11!1!!!OMGZ!!!!".

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, provided that we can keep ourselves relatively thawed out over the upcoming cold snap. Stay safe out there.

Not quite according to plan

Sometimes, the best laid plans can go completely awry. For example, look no further than the plans of the Dallas Cowboys going into last weekend, and look at the end result. Of course, there are other examples, on a less grand scale, ranging from trying to make the perfect dinner to simply deciding when you're going to go to bed, only to have something foil your best efforts. A burglar in Berlin recently had his own plans stopped.

The burglar broke into an apartment and was surprised to find the owner home. He was even more surprised to find the owner dead. According to media reports, the burglar called the police to report the discovery of the corpse, and then left the area without taking any items. The burglar is not suspected of any sort of foul play, as the owner of the flat had apparently been dead for a couple weeks.

Naturally, given that it's winter in the northern hemisphere, it's likely that closed windows (and possible low heat) helped slow the decomposition process, but we're still fairly certain that the burglar may have noticed a little olfactory something upon entering the flat. And while they always say that dead men tell no tales, at least this time we can be proud to believe that some dead men get to keep their stuff.

Although we're also willing to bet that the burglar had a bit of an internal struggle before calling the police. After all, he'd been in the middle of an illegal act, but not informing them about the body would definitely fall into the category of "wrong things to do". Probably explains why he fled the scene after making the phone call.

This is exactly why the Hamburglar stopped being such a presence. Just one too many corpses ahead of him in his path.

Grimace just really hated those Fry Guys.

Very funny, guys

The University of Sheffield in the United Kingdom has recently done a study to confirm something that we were already willing to believe. No, not that reports about Columbus and syphilis. No, not the resurgence of the plague.

The report confirms that children tend to be afraid of clowns.

In fact, the researchers found that "clowns are universally disliked by children". Of course, plenty of parents were already well aware of the extreme dislike children had for clowns based off of how their own precious darlings react to seeing one, but that hasn't stopped generations of parents from inflicting clowns upon the youngest members of our society.

The concept of frightening clowns seems to be something of a pie in the face to all those who firmly believe that clowns are there to bring joy and laughter to all, and especially to children. And yet, while kids can spend hours upon hours every day watching cartoon characters running around on television, the last thing that many of them want to see is a facsimile of a cartoon tripping over giant shoes or spraying seltzer water.

Of course, even with research like this, parents will continue to subject children to clowns. Part of the thinking may be to pass along the torment that they once received. Part of it may be a belief that clowns will truly help brighten the day of the children. And part of it may stem from a desire to view the antics of the clowns themselves, under the guise of hiring them to entertain the children.

All we know is that we're a lot more comfortable around a Kennedy than we are around a clown. Sure, the noses may be as large and red on both groups, but at least the Kennedy won't drop a whoopee cushion on our chairs.

Usually.

Just a little get-away

It's common knowledge that, if you're going to rob some place, you're probably not going to want to lurk around the area for too long. Unless, of course, you know that you've got a large window of time, and there's plenty more stuff that you'd like to acquire. Then, of course, there's the old adage about how you don't crap where you sleep.

However, not everyone follows those pieces of advice, as is evidenced by the tale of a couple of robbers who decided that they needed a TV. So they stole it from a hotel storage room and took it with them. All the way to their hotel room, in the same facility.

So let's just do a quick recap, to make sure that we're completely on the same page. Thieves check into hotel. They steal TV from hotel storage and get caught on video. They return to their rooms. Sure, on some levels, it may seem logical. After all, why wouldn't they want to watch the TV within their room? They may have checked into one of the newfangled hotels where TVs are only kept in storage, as opposed to one where they are placed in every room with a glut of pay-per-view channels. Or they may have been really tired from hauling the set, and decided to get some shut-eye before they continued on their voyage.

Still, it probably would have been a good idea for them to, instead of looting the hotel they had checked into, maybe going to a different location. It's not like there aren't a wealth of hotels in most cities, and a fair number of them probably have some sort of storage.

Although, we're also wondering if the arresting officers had goatees. The world may never know.

No regifting

First off, before we step into today's news story, it turns out that one of the stories we covered last week was a hoax. We'd feel bad about having touched on it, but, well, it's not like we've got a large staff that can double check things. So for those of you who were concerned about the poor unemployed non-smoking Germans, rest easy.

On to today's story, as we look towards California and a situation where, regretfully a child started experiencing mercury poisoning from their newest gift. And just what was this wonderful gift, that lead to the mercury poisoning?

Why, it's shiny, and came in a jar. It's the newest gift craze for children. It shares a name with a planet. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, step right up and buy new mercury for the little ones in your life!

Yes, you read that correctly. The boyfriend of the children's mother decided that the kids could use some mercury, and got them a jar of it. Sure, quicksilver may seem fun, but the brain damage that it can cause is bound to lower the enjoyment of the gift (well, unless you're the one with the brain damage). And it's not like children need to go around refilling thermometers or starting their own hat shops.

Of course, it all could have been worse. The kids could have been given a new "Tickle Me Britney". That would be guaranteed to cause brain damage.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 7, 2008

Hello again, one and all. This past week started out front-loaded with the New Hampshire primary, and has been going strong since. Of course, the big story from the week wasn't the shocking fallibility of polls, or even the fact that John McCain surged more impressively than the US military. No, the big story was tears. The tears of a candidate. Tears that, according to many, led to a surprising victory. When clowns cry, there's no one around. When politicians do it, they make sure that there are cameras. And now, let's get rolling with this week's awards.

A Bit of a Struggle Award
One of the surest signs that a political campaign is in trouble raised its ugly head this week. No, we're not talking about receiving endorsements from previous also-rans... we're talking about staffers forgoing their paychecks. Of course, if the Giuliani camp spins it properly, they might be able to claim Rudy as the candidate not only of 9/11, but also of the WGA.

Father of the Week Award
Alright, people. How many times do we have to say this. Stop leaving your kids in the car while you're doing something related to the strip club industry.

We Can't Hear You Award
The FBI, thanks to a measure in the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, has been wiretapping phones for a while now, ostensibly to help eliminate terrorism. They may want to eliminate phone bills, as an unpaid bill landed them with a disconnected tap. Hey, if we can't trust the government to be able to handle money properly...

But Monkeys Do It Award
Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough. One of those times is when in court, after having thrown feces at the judge during a previous trial. Needless to say, the courtroom janitor was less than thrilled over that day's crappy assignment.

Faith and Blargh Award
Ireland seems to believe that it is developing a bit of a drinking problem. To counteract this, they are launching a probe to discover exactly why binge drinking has seem such a dramatic uprise. The commission will be looking into things like the number of licenses granted to stores, and the increase in special exemptions allowing for longer hours. Another possible culprit that may be getting missed by the commission? These people live in Ireland, and, darnit, some of them value tradition.

Hey Baby, How's About Some Boone's Farm? Award
Speaking of alcohol, a man in Washington state recently learned that, if a woman offers you sex in exchange for wine, maybe you should splurge a little and get something a little pricey. In related news, a woman in Washington learned that, if you offer someone sex for a little booze, they'll probably just be a cheap bastard. There's just no way that this outcome could have been foreseen...

Saying Hello Award
NASA is getting close to celebrating, as a probe launched in 2004 is about to pass close to Mercury. The hope is that the probe, named Messenger, will be able to orbit the planet by 2011. For its part, Mercury is already practicing a menacing stare, and telling Messenger to get off of its lawn.

The Lord is Risen Award
A new sculpture, featuring a visibly aroused Jesus, is drawing outrage around Gateshead, UK. Opponents of the sculpture are claiming that it vilifies Jesus, and have called for its destruction. Meanwhile, supporters may find themselves championing the statue, as a clear sign of a Second Coming.

And, on that note, we're wrapping up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, as we eclipse the mid-point of January, and as we look towards warmer weather. Stay safe out there.

Thank you for smoking

The anti-smoking movement has been around for a number of years, and, recently, it has been gaining a lot of momentum and support. From new treatments to help wean people off of cigarettes to public locations such as restaurants and bars going smoke-free, the number of places where people might run into second-hand smoke is dropping steadily.

At least, it is in America. In Germany, which still allows smoking in the offices of small companies, there's no such luck. Three German workers learned that the hard way when they tried to get their office of ten people to go smoke-free.

The three workers were fired, because the manager didn't want to "be bothered with trouble-makers". He also said that it was taking a measure of revenge against all of the people who have been anti-smoking as of late, and swore to only hire smokers from now on.

Well, it's just that kind of antiquated thinking that we can use in today's world. With everyone looking ahead to things like their own personal future and the preservation of the planet, it's comforting to know that there is an employer out there bringing bold and fresh views from the 1950s to our workplaces. That exact lack of innovation could one day be a strong leader in the world of not being willing to accept that time has moved forward.

What's next? Mandatory bell bottoms? People being encouraged to have a cocktail or two during the lunch hour to help calm them down? A reunion of the surviving Bee Gees, with Ricky Martin singing in place of Maurice? Oh, if only we had some way of looking at the past and learning from things that happened then, possibly leading to innovation and a dedication to the future.

What a wonderful dream that would be.

Not quite "The Gift of the Magi"

A story that has been retold numerous times is the one from O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi". We'll even go out on a limb and guess that O. Henry may have heard a similar story earlier in his life, and authored his version long after other retellings had fallen by the wayside. After all, the story of two people, each sacrificing something of their own in order to bestow a gift upon the other, only to learn that the other had sacrificed exactly what was best suited for the gift themselves, is a tale that surely has its roots long long ago. Every retelling puts a slightly new spin on the story, changing the stakes, but still, at heart, it's a story about the power of giving without question.

Naturally, there have been attempts to bring the story into the day-to-day life, and some people have gotten closer than others. Unfortunately, the subjects of our news story today missed the mark, by a fairly wide margin. Of course, when you unexpectedly find your spouse at a brothel, it's going to be a little hard to think about self-sacrifice. Sure, she was giving something up, but he wasn't really looking to her interests much.

At least, that was the case for a Polish man who decided that he was going to sample the services of a brothel. After entering, the man discovered that his wife was one of those gainfully employed within, instead of down at the store that he'd been told. Of course, the husband believes that he was the one wronged in this whole situation, even though he apparently never thought to question how she could achieve the wages that she was pulling in working at a store.

We can imagine the shock on the face of both individuals when they recognized their spouse inside the brothel. For the wife, it would have been the realization that her husband was using brothels as an outlet for things that he wasn't doing with her, coupled with the shame of having felt the need to cover her actual side occupation. For the husband, it should have been the embarrassment of paying for sex, in addition to the realization that he (and, presumably, many others) was almost paying his wife directly.

It's almost a shame that this story is, at least according to the Polish tabloids, completely true, and that the long-time couple is now seeking divorce. We could almost see a television crew popping out to scream, "Smile! You're on Candid Camera!"

And, of course, there's the open-ended question. Does the sex trade have a "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"? And is that in bad taste?

Making sushi with junior

The Japanese have some very bizarre traditions. At least, they seem bizarre to anyone from a Western mindset. From ritualistic suicide to strange game shows involving firecrackers, the little island that could seems to keep turning out things that just confound the Western world. Not that we have a lot of room to talk (*cough cough* American Gladiators *cough*), but, well, we just don't get it.

Included in that sense of the bizarre is new way they have to commemorate the birth of a child. It's a tradition in Japan to bestow gifts upon the families to help celebrate the new child. We like that tradition, and we definitely see parallels with baby showers in our own country. It's also something of a tradition for the new, slightly larger family to send something to those who thought of them in the first place. Here in America, we often trade around pictures of the newborn, shipping images of our precious bundles of joy to whoever we think might want to see.

In Japan, they plaster the child's face onto a bag of rice.

But a new thought has reached their shores, and no longer will just a shapeless bag of rice, the kind you might find in a grocery store, suffice. No, now a company is producing "cuddly" rice bags, tailored to the weight of the newborn, and made so that the rice fills the bag completely. An obvious complaint about using standard rice bags for such an endeavor was that the rice would settle, especially for smaller babies, leaving the photo on the bag distorted at the top of the sack. By creating a better bag, the surrogate child should maintain its shape long after the child has grown out of its first booties. The biggest issue? People seem to be becoming attached to the bags of rice, and are becoming unwilling to use the insides once their finished cuddling with it.

Honestly, we can see that idea really taking off, but there is always going to be a danger. We know how plenty of people in this country will substitute pets and/or dolls in place of the children that they can't have, displaying them proudly for all to see. Now imagine someone doing that with bags of rice, keeping their friends and families children frozen in an uncooked state (and in bag form, no less) for years or more. It could theoretically lead to a rice shortage, if enough people start hoarding their whole-grain children.

Of course, we also think it would be fairly disturbing to mix up some fried rice, knowing that you had to cut little Hiro to get the ingredients out.

The business of business

Two different news stories really jumped out at us today, and both involve a company that people seem to love kicking when it's down. Of course, when things are up, people don't tend to give them a nod of approval, but that's just how it seems to go in the business world. And no, we're not talking about Disney... we're focused on a different "Evil Empire". Today, we turn our attention squarely to Microsoft.

The first article that we saw actually pertains to the ongoing WGA strike. As many of you are aware, one of the main points of contention between the writers and the studios is the concept of funds from "New Media", which is a fancy way of saying DVD sales and Internet downloads. Well, in an attempt to bolster the XBox Live selection, outgoing Microsoft front-man Bill Gates announced a slew of deals with the studios to repackage their films and television programs for the XBox audience. Of course, since there's no money in New Media (a point made by the studios), obviously this agreement was a simple handshake deal, and no money will ever change hands. Right, and we don't know anyone who's paid the 99 cents to download a song (and don't even try to pretend that the money goes all to administrative fees).

And then, we were met with the second article. An article that points out a problem suffered by XBox Live users over the holiday season. A two-week server overload leading to outages that could cost Microsoft $5M, if some irate gamers have their way. Five million dollars? For not being able to get online and play a couple of games for a couple of weeks over the holidays? For being forced to actually interact with visiting family? For possibly being asked to take some time in December to reacquaint yourself with the giant blue box called "outside"? Seems a little ridiculous to us.

Of course, leave it to us to find a deeper connection, one aside from the mere mention of Microsoft in both articles. As far as we can tell, the reason that there is no money to be made through the Internet is because those who are the target audience (namely, people who spend too much time on the Internet) are also those who are going to try to find ways to get their money back when they've suffered a minor inconvenience.

After all, it really is cruel to ask some of those people to step outside. Most of them are more familiar with three multi-hued suns than the one we get.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 31, 2007

The week began in 2007, but it ends in 2008. That makes this the first awards of the new calendar year! Not that those of you playing at home didn't already have that bit figured out, but sometimes we're a little slow on the draw. Which is why we aren't going to delay any longer. Instead, let's jump right in to this week's awards.

Mmm.... Burning Award
While people are always looking for new flavor experiences (anybody remember Pepsi Blue?), we just can't imagine there being a need to eat something that you have to sign a waiver for first (although that would have been helpful in the case of Pepsi Blue). But a waiver must be signed before you take your first bite of a new chicken wing in Chicago. The inclusion of an alarm to summon waiters is a good idea. We expect to see an ad campaign with the slogan, "One bite will leave you crying for Mama".

Oh, Lighten Up Award
The mayor of Oklahoma City has issued a challenge to his citizens. That challenge? To lose one million pounds by the end of 2008. This could be an interesting challenge in an area where the official state meal is loaded with grease and carbohydrates. Meanwhile, the UK is laughing at the thought of losing a mere one million pounds, claiming that they can do that much and more in a single month in Iraq.

Didn't See That Coming Award
The James Randi Educational Foundation issued a challenge of their own years ago, contending that anyone who could come forward with scientifically provable paranormal powers would be given $1M. There haven't been any "winners" as of yet, and, in two years, the opportunity will go away, as the foundation looks to new projects. Meanwhile, we predict that Sylvia Browne will once again appear on Montel Williams, and derive information that could only elude the likes of Miss Cleo.

Where Are My Pants? Award
Have you ever felt the desire to wander around your home naked? Well, if you live in or near Longridge, you might want to get good curtains first, after a man there was fined for being naked inside his house and exposing his own "longridge" to the neighbors. Brings new meaning to the term "blinds". Meanwhile, tabloids continue making big money off of celebrities doing the same thing.

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Resignation Award
A foreign minister from Honduras recently learned a valuable lesson. If you go out drinking, decide to get into an altercation with the police, and find yourself videotaped, it might be a good idea to step down. Suddenly, getting a blow job in office doesn't seem so bad, does it?

Santa Who? Award
The Christmas season is over, but we're still finding stories about craziness tied into the "most wonderful time of the year". When a man in Maine was asked to dress as Santa, he refused, saying that he was an atheist and didn't believe in Christmas. He was subsequently fired, and has now filed a discrimination suit against Wal-Mart for terminating his employment. And here we thought that Wal-Mart was an open, caring place to work. Still, it's not like he punched a cop or anything.

She's a Maniac Award
Oh, the troubled Spears family. We really only make mention of this to suggest that she cover Quiet Riot's "Mental Health" before it really is too late. After all, sing what you know.

Huckabama Award
Well, we're finally one contest closer to the actual election, with the Iowa caucuses happening yesterday. Now, as the candidates move towards New Hampshire, we can rest assured that there are new front-runners, based of one state's results. Meanwhile, we're torn here. We're fairly certain that Huckabee is insane, but we're just not sure how much material Obama might give us. And, after the past sixteen years, we've learned that good comedy is sometimes more important than good politics.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We see a bit of a warming trend on the horizon, at least where we are, so we may even step away from our computer monitor glow and get some real sunlight. Either way, we'll be back on Monday. Stay safe out there!

Yay 4 science!

Today, the political machine is really getting itself going, as many people around the country are finding themselves fixated on Iowa and the early results. Of course, we're not any closer to actually deciding a president, we're just inching towards removing some of the options, but hey, any day that Iowa gets to take center stage is pretty huge for them. Thankfully, no matter how ridiculous we may find today's voting (with the actual election almost a full year away), we can take comfort from knowing that our old friend science has stepped up with someone even more insane.

Wait, let's correct that. The results of the study weren't insane. In fact, anyone with a bit of common sense could have figured out what they would be. The fact that the study was done period is what ranks as insane. And what on earth could science, through research done at Clemson University, possibly do that would make less sense than the current mid-point in the presidential campaign?

How about a study as to whether or next text messaging while driving could potentially cause accidents? That's right. Apparently thanks to researchers at Clemson, now there's hard evidence to back up what everyone knew; inputting words into a phone using your thumbs while driving causes you to split your attention, and could lead to accidents. Wow, we never would have guessed that one.

Well, now that Clemson has that out of the way, maybe they can take some time to determine what else could lead to driver errors. We're guessing weather conditions, other drivers, vehicles, and the simple act of driving itself. Heck, breathing could cause driver error, provided it happens behind the wheel of a car.

It almost makes us wish we were in Iowa.

Hope you enjoyed your stay

When compiling a list of some of the worst things that a person might have to go through, surely sitting in prison for a crime you didn't commit has to rank pretty highly. Of course, given the world that we all live in, and the blog that you're currently reading, you just know that there has to be something that would make it worse.

How about getting charged room and board for your time behind bars? That's what happened to a man falsely accused of rape, who ended up spending three years in prison before his innocence was proven.

Admittedly, the man isn't actually paying the cost. He was awarded a settlement in the case to make-up for the time he lost while in prison, and the fees for food and lodging were simply removed before the final total was handed over. The man's lawyer admitted that the concept of having to pay for his stay in prison is a strange one, but was quick to point out that there's very little that can be done to change the laws at this point. The practice has been challenged in the past, but has been upheld.

We almost expect that anyone wrongfully imprisoned in the UK to also find that the cost of their water and prison dry-cleaning will be charged to them. Meanwhile, the properly imprisoned continue to get live inside the jail without paying one thin cent. Of course, they don't get large sums of money upon leaving prison, either (at least, usually not without doing something that might get them back behind bars).

Oh well. In the UK, they get to charge you for the wonderful accommodations of their 4-star prison system. In Portugal, they just forget the laws that they helped write.