Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 17, 2008

Hello again, everyone, and welcome back for another round of awards. What a week this has been, opening up with green beer and closing out with a white-out (at least, in the Upper Midwest). That's right. Even though spring has ostensibly arrived, we're looking out our windows at a snowstorm. Just like the Easters of old. Anyway, let's move on to the awards, shall we?

Heck, No, We Won't Go Award
Madison Square Garden. A venerable establishment, full of history and thrilling performances. And, apparently, homophobic crowd cheers. Especially during hockey season. Of course, the least welcoming thing about going to MSG for a hockey game? Knowing that you'll have to watch the New York Rangers play.

But She Seemed So Sane Award
By now, everyone has heard about Heather Mills, and her windfall of a few million dollars for having married the correct Beatle. Many have probably heard about her anger towards Sir Paul the Walrus, for his willingness to fly first class while daughter Beatrice sits in coach. So, when Heather turned the other leg and did what she accused the Walrus of doing? Hmm.... And we were pretty sure that she couldn't be more two-faced if her name was Harvey Dent.

Follow the Flow Award
Remember last week when we mentioned the woman stuck to the toilet? Turns out that it all may end up hurting her boyfriend, too. He is charged with mistreatment of a dependant adult. Well, obviously, if she had truly been Depend-ant, she wouldn't have been stuck to the toilet in the first place. But that other issues to light, and, well, we're just going to back away slowly and give a courtesy flush.

Awfully White of Them Award
Alright, who didn't see this one coming? It turns out that the least politically correct phrase from this past year was *drum roll please* the one uttered by Don Imus. Yes, the one that cost him his job. The one where "nappy" wasn't a cutesy way of describing a mid-afternoon activity. And, of course, by recognizing it, we're now all forced to spend at least another week being reminded of its existence. Besides, it's not like Imus has any right to call anyone else "nappy-headed". Okay, maybe Phil Spector. But that's it.

Jesus Brings Us Eggs Award
We still don't really understand the connection between eggs and crucifixion, but maybe everything will be made clearer by this story about the dangers behind decorating and hiding eggs. Wait! That's it! They're both hazardous to our health! Our thank goodness that got cleared up. Now back to waiting for the zombie apocalypse. Or is that bad, too?

No Further Questions Award
When is a sexual assault suspect not able to stand trial? When he's been dead for a month. The suspect, 91, had been previously convicted of sexual assault, and a trial for a new case was just beginning to get started. And yes, we do believe that a Viagra joke writes itself on this one.

Worst Getaway Vehicle Ever Award
All right. We've all heard the stereotypes about cops. No, not the handlebar mustache thing. The donut thing. Even if it is just a joke, what would make some guys think that stealing a donut van would be a good idea? In a sweet conclusion, the bakery donated the donuts to the officers who helped recover the van. In the meantime, their new "Time to Steal the Donuts" ad campaign is being reanalyzed.

First Sign of the Apocalypse Award
We all know that FOXNews has a very definite political slant. Any network that allows Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter both to have regular airtime should admit to their leanings. Which is why we're so shocked to hear about FOXNews anchors upset over Obama-bashing. Is this a fox in sheep's clothing, or an attempt to get in good while they still can? Only time (and plenty of exposes about how sexy is too sexy) will tell.

And, knowing that the world has taken one step closer to ending, we'll wrap up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, with more springlike weather (we hope). Stay safe out there.

Really addicted to "Lost"

Some people viewed the Writer's Strike as a dark day (or series of days) in their television viewing. Not only were they not going to get much in the way of new scripted content, but there was a fair chance that repeats would be in low circulation. And don't even get us started on the glut of reality TV that flooded the airwaves.

And yet, when you compare it to what a Pennsylvania family went through a few years back, suddenly it doesn't seem like a big deal that you couldn't catch a new episode of "Numb3rs" at it's regularly scheduled time. After all, there probably weren't a lot of people who were shot for turning the television off. In fact, with the recent programming, leaving the set off might have resulted in spontaneous applause, purchases of dinner, and promises of a good back rub.

So, largely because we've never even come close to reaching that level of dedication to an inanimate object (although we do harbor sweet feelings towards our coffee maker), we have to wonder what exactly could have spurred such an action. Obviously, there were previously existing conditions, but we can't examine those. Okay, we probably could, but that might take a little more time than we've got, and we'd definitely have to be away from our coffee maker.

What could have lead to this turn of events? Was the husband trying to watch an exciting finish in the Big Brother house? Was there a lot of excitement built up over a special guest appearance on "According to Jim"? Was he finally going to learn from the "Mythbusters" about lighting farts on fire? Perhaps some crazy combination of all three?

Maybe, just maybe, the man was so attached to television that he was trying to reenact some of his favorite shows from the past. Obviously, though, he forgot that he was neither a cartoon, nor in front of a live studio audience.

You can't be serious

Well, it's the Holy Week, at least for Christianity. That's why there were two St. Patrick's Days over this past weekend, and why, we assume, we see a story like the one we're looking at today. And, well, we normally have science to thank for these types of articles, but science and the church don't always get along that great. So looks like today's thanks go out to the big G, and all their followers here on the terrestrial plane.

Okay, so the warning didn't come from the church. After all, they don't really approve of people reenacting pieces of the Passion during this week (or, really, any time). And yet, if it wasn't for the church, we probably wouldn't see people flogging themselves, or others willing to get crucified to show their dedication and religious fervor. And, without those events, we certainly wouldn't have heard health officials in the Philippines point out the inherent health risks involved in those activities.

That's right, folks. For those of you who are just catching up to the subject of life, we got to learn today that being crucified could be hazardous to your health. Whew. Thank heavens that someone put that out there. We were fairly certain that whipping the flesh from your back was a good thing, and we thought that pounding nails into your skin was just a harmless way to pass an afternoon. Guess we can now put those things up there with bathing in acid and eating at McDonald's.

Of course, this will not deter people from reenacting the Passion to atone for their own sins, but, hopefully, it will lead to people being a bit safer about the whole thing. After all, the last thing that we'd want to see is someone getting hurt because of all of this self-mutilation.

For our part, we'll perform our own penance by eating Taco Bell. Seems just about as dangerous.

A price for everything

Today, we learned of a man looking to make a fresh start. Completely. In light of a recent divorce, he's decided that he wants to start over. To help facilitate this, he's putting his entire life up for sale on eBay.

For those of you that are wondering, according to the article, yes, this is the man's entire life. His friends, his job, his house, his random kitchy decorations. The estimated value of the auction is a little shy of $400,000.

On one hand, this will definitely help the man get a fresh start. He'll be beginning his new life (admittedly a good 40-some years after most people do) with nothing but the skin on his back and the smile he can muster. On the other hand, selling everything for that price does beg the question of what the exact value of the individual things are. For instance, with many houses selling for at least a quarter of the total "value", we have to start making assumptions about the man's job and, more harshly, the man's friends.

Of course, it's entirely possible that the friends were the ones who (either directly or indirectly) led to the divorce in the first place. That might explain why the price isn't higher.

The ultimate question, though, is not whether a person can put a price on the things that they have surrounded themselves with for a good portion of their life. That question has already been answered, and the going rate is $400K. The real question is what if nobody thinks that your life isn't worth what you claim it is?

Fresh on the heels of a divorce, that question could lead to a spiral of drug abuse, crime, or voluntarily watching a Hannah Montana marathon. And nobody wants that.

No good deed

Welcome to St. Patrick's Day. We could spend today talking about stories of green beer, or excessive drinking, or any number of other SP-related news. But, well, we figure that everyone out there already has better stories than any we could find. So, instead, we're going to talk about doing good deeds.

Take, for example, the good deed of keeping a bus full of elementary school children safe after the driver hits their head and loses control. That's exactly what a 15-year-old girl did, after she realized that she wasn't feeling well, and, instead of getting off her bus at the school, decided to stay on board while the bus completed its route, waiting to be dropped off back at home. And the reward for the girl who may have saved the lives of a group of children?

How about detention?

That's right. After becoming a hero, the girl found herself in trouble with school officials. Sure, she saved a bunch of elementary school kids, but did she think about how she was violating school policy on being sick from school? After all, she certainly didn't follow the rules that they'd put down for such things. If only she'd had the presence of mind to alert the officials in the proper way.

Seriously, though, it seems like certain actions should result in a school turning a blind eye to a relatively minor offense. Sure, she was sick from school that day. And sure, she didn't alert them properly. But, come on people. She was willing (and able) to stop a more serious accident from happening. Isn't that worth maybe missing a day? At the very least, can we see into making sure that she doesn't have to take any pop quizzes anytime soon?

Of course, it could be worse. She could be a paramedic that sues the people they've been called to help.

Just gives you a warm feeling, doesn't it?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 10, 2008

Good afternoon. We hope that everyone has been enjoying the past week, and we especially hope that you've taken advantage of Pi Day. If nothing else, go around in circles for a little while, and consider it a good start. Speaking of circles, let's get our awards started, shall we? We'll even pretend that the winners will receive little round medals.

Sounds Like a Politician Award
Hillary Clinton has been touting her experience on the campaign trail. Now, a former counsel for Bill Clinton is saying that her experience isn't quite what she's built it up to be. He even went so far as to say that her statements are "misleading". Tough words, there. Naturally, we're shocked that any politician would ever twist words to their own advantage. It just seems outside of the realm of the ordinary. Speaking of which...

Fabio in Fatigues Award
Our president, the Great Decider, GDub, the man who declared "Mission Accomplished" a few years early, is showcasing his own talent for words. In recent statements regarding Afghanistan, GDub stated he was "a little envious" of troops serving there, calling the mission "romantic". It was later learned that the President is envious of the troops in the same way that VPCheney is envious of those with hearts and circulatory systems; neither one truly understands what the party they envy is experiencing.

When You've Gotta Go Award
How many times have you found yourself sitting on the toilet for a bit longer than you expected, possibly due to the fatal combination of Taco Johns for lunch and Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs for dinner? How many times have you wished for a good book, to try to take your mind off of things? How often have you pondered what it would be like to sit there for two years? Never on that last one, huh? Well, that puts you a leg up on a Kansas woman, who simply didn't want to leave the restroom. When she finally agreed to leave (at the request of authorities who had been called because "something was wrong"), it was discovered that her skin had actually fused to the seat. And yes, she's bound to become the butt of jokes for at least a few months.

Up, Up, and Oh Crap Award
It seems like people are always trying to find new ways to propose marriage to their loved ones. From hiring a mariachi band to getting plastered on the JumboTron at your favorite sporting event to dropping the ring in a glass of champagne, there are a multitude of different ways to go about asking. One way that might get discouraged in the future is placing the ring inside of a helium balloon. Why do we say discouraged? Ask the guy who watched his ring float away. The man's parents are also now planning on tying the ribbon for the next balloon around the man's wrist, and threatening to not get him any more if he loses this one, too.

Hard-Hitting News Award
There have been plenty of stories about New York Governor Spitzer (or "Client 9") and his alleged mistress. Leave it to CNN to uncover one of the juiciest stories. That's right, the 24-hour cable news network found out that the escort has *gasp* changed her MySpace and Facebook profiles. Because that's never been done by anyone who suddenly achieved fame, either through good or bad means. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer's beard keeps sending us "friend requests", but we just don't know it all that well. That, and we're disturbed by the party pictures.

It's a Small World Award
The theme song for the title of our award will hopefully not hold too much meaning for people, if Disney follows through with a potential plan. The theme-park giant is apparently considering creating an adult-oriented park, just north of Animal Kingdom. Let's just say that we're already a little worried about a possible "Sword in the Stone" ride.

Banks, Barns, What's the Difference? Award
Some people have a severe distrust of financial institutions, deciding to stash their money somewhere within their house. In return for a lack of interest, they get a much quicker access to their funds. An Ethiopian farmer recently learned that, if given the choice between his mattress and a haystack, maybe he should use the mattress. After all, it's less likely that his money would get eaten by rats while there. Interestingly enough, the farmer had originally put his money in the haystack to protect it in case his house ever caught fire. You know, because hay isn't flammable.

Live and Let Die Award
A bar in Milford, MA was recently turned down in their pursuit of an adult entertainment license. The reason being? The bar is too close to a residential area. Specifically, the bar is too close to the "residential" cemetery. Look, if your cemetery is also a residential area, either you've got an overabundance of goths, or you're looking at a zombie problem. Either way, maybe a few strippers isn't so bad.

Well, with that talk of strippers, we're wrapping things up for the week. We hope that you have a good weekend, enjoying the warmer temperatures and the flowing green beer (seriously, though, stay away from the green beer and drink something it's natural color), and we'll see you on Tuesday. Sure, we MIGHT get back for Monday, but, thanks to the church, we get to celebrate St. Patrick's Day twice. Stay safe out there!

I fought the law

Long-time regular readers will remember the trial of the pants. After all, the story was good enough, and it popped up frequently enough, that we got to make it something of a running joke here for awhile. While we're certain that we still haven't found a story to quite take the place of the multimillion dollar pants, we're thinking that the $600,000 grape is definitely worthwhile.

And yes, you read that correctly. A lone grape, skin and all, squished into the shoes of a lawyer, and worth $600,000 (give or take). But, before that lawyer came along, the grape was practically worthless, especially given its later value. How did it rise to such inflated heights?

It caused the lawyer to slip, injure himself, and sue Marks & Spencer. After all, the grape had been theirs to begin with. The high price tag came specifically due to the lawyer tearing a quadricep and suffering "adverse psychological effects", damaging not only his business, but his tennis game.

Wait. "Adverse psychological effects"? Did the lawyer suddenly start freaking out at every Fruit of the Loom commercial with the guy in the grape suit? Did he sob uncontrollably at a grape stomp? Was he unable to watch reruns of "Grape Ape"? Or did he start collecting grapes, merely to skin them in some sort of a diabolical, and yet entirely bizarre, revenge scheme?

With reactions like that, it's no wonder that the lawyer couldn't keep his practice running at the same high levels. And, really, it's no wonder that he lost the case, and had to pay the nearly $40,000 court fees.

Let's hope for better luck for the student suing his teacher for waking him up. At least there are no grapes involved.

Gearing up for the holiday

You can tell that people are gearing up for St. Patrick's Day. Large quantities of green clothing are being thrown into the wash, and people are preparing their stomachs for the combination of corned beef, cabbage, and green beer. That, and the bizarre factor is definitely kicking up with regards to drinking stories.

Take, for example, the woman that decided that she was too drunk, and therefore needed to get a designated driver. A good decision on her part, to start with. However, her driver was also a bit intoxicated. The real problem? The DD was the woman's 14-year-old daughter.

After all, nothing says love quite like drinking between parents and children. Especially when those children are far too young to drink legally. Of course, the daughter repaid that love by overturning the car and injuring both herself and her mother.

Then, of course, comes the story about the Austin Park Police officer who resigned after being found guilty of drinking on the job. What tipped off his supervisors? How about the fact that a homeless person noticed the smell of alcohol? When the portion of society stereotypically known for panhandling to get enough change to buy a bottle of Christian Brothers brandy calls you out for your drinking, you may have a bit of a problem.

So what do we learn from these stories, especially in preparation for this upcoming weekend? Well, we learn to hide our drinking from the homeless. That's fairly key. At the very least, they could get jealous of the ability to freely purchase alcohol, and it could result in losing your job. The other lesson?

Please, don't let your kids drink and drive. Not until they're at least old enough to get a license of their own.

Note: Neither of these rules apply if your last name is "Spears".

Just sit right back

Alright, so this might be an old story to some of the folks out there, but, well, we just found out about it. Probably because it had to do with a little-known individual. After all, nobody ever watched Gilligan's Island, so there's no chance that anyone should be familiar with the actress that played Mary Ann.

Wait. You're familiar with this person? Really? Well, were you aware of what she did back in October, 2007? You know, with the marijuana and all?

You were? Hmm, and you know about the six-month unsupervised probation, too. Well, smarty, if you knew all these things, were you surprised? Because, while we may have been out of the loop on this one, we weren't shocked, really.

Look at it this way. The woman is known for one role. Admittedly, that's more than a lot of people ever get known for, but she had to have hopes and dreams that would make her more than just Mary Ann to the world. And yet, when she was forced to reprise the role on 1980's sitcoms (and sell her original costume), you have to wonder. When you see that half of her GI cast members have gone to the great Minnow in the sky for the obligatory three millennium tour, you should stop being shocked that, at 69, she's willing to engage in the kind of dangerous and potentially habit-forming activities found only amongst those ranging from 13-97 in age (and we know that not all those kids have glaucoma).

So, while this story may be old, it's certainly new to us, and there's plenty for the whole family to enjoy. Besides, it was a nice break from all the "Spitzer? I barely paid her" stories swimming around out there.

Surprised? Not us

What's the first thing you think of when you hear about a 50-year-old man hiring an escort to "have fun"? If you're anything like us, the thought was "ew" (and yes, we'll have that thought when we're 50 ourselves). Now, what if the man didn't have a much needed tool, and the escort volunteered to get some from her car? Anyone who didn't think she'd take the money and leave, well, you haven't been reading enough of our articles.

But that's not where the story ends. After all, if that was all that had happened, we wouldn't know about it, would we. That's where we learn that the man, after making a number of phone calls to the escort herself, decided to inform a local newspaper and the police about what had happened.

So let's get this right. You order an escort to, um, help you with a little something. She arrives, but you forgot to pick up raincoats for your pal. She takes your money, and then offers to go to her car for the condoms. After the shame of paying an escort and having her basically rob you (after all, she got your money, but you didn't get any service), you only compound your error by letting others know? And you do it because you're worried that she might be doing this to other customers? While it's definitely an honorable position to take (looking out for your fellow sex-deprived man), we're not so sure it's the brightest position to take. After all, by informing the police, you admit to your own plans to break the law. True, you didn't actually commit the deed, but you were definitely a couple of steps beyond the simple planning stage for the crime.

Of course, it could all be worse. Your prostitution ties could surface while you're a governor.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 3, 2008

Friday has once again come around the corner and jumped out at us with its fright mask. Of course, Friday wasn't the only thing that's been lurking around here at the beginning of March, as it seems like winter wants to remain for awhile, too. One thing that is gone, of course, is the football career of a Mississippi boy. But we're not a sports blog, so we're going to move onto our awards.

Public Opinion Award
Some polls are done to confirm exactly what people already thought. Some polls are done to completely contradict everything we've ever known. Polls about the media tend to fall into that first category, like the recent poll showing that fewer than half of all Americans trust the media. Interestingly, radio gets more trust than all other sources of news. And yet, this is the same country that trusts FOX to find it the next greatest pop star ever. Who knew?

Would That Be a Birdie, Then? Award
You'd think that, after all the outcry about the footage of the Marine and the puppy, people would be a little more careful around animals and cameras. Apparently, that just doesn't hold true when you're a golfer trying to film an educational video, and a hawk is making noise nearby. The golfer could find himself behind bars for his attack via 9-iron. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods would have simply bounced the ball onto the bird's back, watched as it flew towards the pin, and then connected with it telepathically, causing it to drop the ball into the hole. Or something. Golf claps abound.

Need to See How She Handles Award
When is a test drive more like grand theft auto (the crime, not the video game)? When you take the car on a 2,000 mile trip. The man, who topped the old record for longest test drive by six times, was eventually pulled over after he failed to pay for gas. Burt Reynolds and the rest of the Cannonball Runners were nowhere to be seen, having already sped along to the next checkpoint.

Silly Red Sox. Steroids are For Kids Award
New Jersey lawmakers are tired of seeing overly successful child athletes. To help combat this, they are looking to pass a law encouraging steroid testing for children as young as twelve. Other things that they're doing to keep child athletes from taking the Bonds Road to Celebrity? Encouraging them to ice skate, and forcing them to live in New Jersey.

Counting the Minutes Award
New research puts to bed some of the misconceptions about just what exactly the duration for intercourse is. Apparently, according to sex experts, the best sex takes between 7 and 13 minutes. Men everywhere have been seen celebrating, knowing now that they only need to change the clocks five minutes ahead, instead of the previously believed 20.

I Is a Gradjuit Award
We thought we'd heard it all. And then we learned that we were so very far from the truth. What clued us in? How about the fact that a student sued the school board because they allowed him to graduate, despite his third-grade reading level. The student, who was enrolled in an individualized plan, graduated, something his attorney thinks should never have happened. Someone needs to let this kid know about all of the celebrities with the same reading level. And no, we're not talking about Paris or Britney. They never made it past first-grade level...

F & A, Man, F & A Award
Looking for a place to raise the kids, and keep them away from bad language? Well, you could turn off the cable television, but that's not going to stop the little ones from hearing Old Man "Blue Streak" McCurdy screaming at his flowers. Instead, why not move to South Pasadena, where you can rest easy knowing that, at least for one week out of the year, they are a "cuss-free" zone. The remaining 51 weeks, the residents sounds like sailors on leave, so maybe it's not the best idea, after all. All we can really say? Good f'ing luck.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, ramping up things in anticipation of St. Patrick's Day (which gets to be celebrated twice, thanks to the Church). We'll see you then, swimming in green liquid. And we don't just mean the Mississippi. Stay safe out there.

A punishment worse than death

So we were going to write a story about men doing housework. Specifically, how the notion of men doing housework generally leads to them getting more sex. After all, we have something of a vested interest in a story like that.

But, in our dedication to bring some of the strangest news to you, our readers, and, while bringing said news, trying to fill it with a little levity, we instead need to relate a story from France. It's a short story, all about a mayor, and his overflowing cemetery.

Outside of the village of Sarpourenx, there is a cemetery. This cemetery has been around for quite some time, and, as such, has reached more than its capacity. Now, if you were the mayor of this village, what would you do? Would you perhaps try to take a new piece of the countryside to expand your burial grounds?

Or would you tell the residents of your village that they aren't allowed to die? Even more to the point, if they do die, would you then punish them severely?

Admittedly, the mayor of this town did try to expand the cemetery, but he was denied the ability. Faced with little choice, he took the measure that he did, hoping for some sort of positive outcome. And, well, obviously, when you ban your citizens from dying, the only possible positive outcome is that they will all suddenly become immortal. After all, they wouldn't want to get fined for receiving termination from the job called "living".

And it's not even that nobody can die in the town. It's that those people who don't already HAVE a plot are not allowed to die. If you had purchased a plot, then by all means, shuffle away. If you hadn't, however, get ready to strap on a sword and fight other immortals. After all, there can be only one.

Through this whole thing, we admittedly find ourselves curious. What sort of punishment could possibly be worse than dying?

Wait. We've got it. The dead are forced to spend eternity watching "Hannah Montana", without kids of their own to justify it, all while sitting next to Parisite. And all of the singing will be done by Milli Vanilli. And we don't mean the studio performers, either.

Jump through the hoops

The Race for the Presidency (or, as we like to call it, Who's Bossing Who Now?) is heating up, especially after yesterday's results. HC was able to stave off the Obamanation for another few contests at least, setting the stage for a long, slow, and potentially painful nomination process. If things continue along these lines, there will barely be any time for the Democrats to run nationwide attack ads against the GOP nominee. By the same token, John "I Ate Grass and Fingernails" McCain, (henceforth referred to as Grampa MC) can't really start launching his own attacks against the donkeys, because, well, he can't be certain which one will come out ahead.

But Grampa MC did have something big happen in the last two days. Actually, two big things. First, Huckabee-the-Halfabee dropped from the campaign, a sign that even the man created by Stephen Colbert (who was created by Conan O'Brien, who was created by Jon Stewart, who was created by... um... well... Dave Chapelle and Jim Brewer?) can bow to the reality that he'd already lost, and it was no longer purposeful to keep chasing the brass ring. As for the second glowing moment?

He finally got the endorsement he'd been looking for. No, not Depends. We have no proof that he's incontinent. The endorsement he got came from GDub himself.

Whew. That was a close one. For awhile there, we really were wondering who the Decider might choose to back. Would it be the surprise comeback effort of Romney (who, admittedly, didn't even try to stage a comeback)? Would it be Ron Paul (beloved for his wacky belief that he actually had a shot)? Would the President just flip a coin, and end up endorsing the Lincoln Memorial?

No. GDub, not wanting to make the same mistake as Mother Superior (for reference, look up the lyrics to "Happiness is a Warm Gun"... you'll be glad you did), simply decided to wait until it was clear that he was picking the best horse to run the race. In fact, he waited until he picked the only horse still in the race that actually had a chance of finishing. And, as long as that race is for the GOP nomination, we're pretty certain that Grampa MC will be able to finish.

People have said in the past that the President has been too quick to make decisions, and that he hasn't looked at all of the important information before voicing his beliefs on a subject. Never let it be said that he was anything less than prudent in the Great White House Race 2008. He waited until the dust had settled, and picked the candidate that he felt the best about.

He picked the only one left.

Way to go, GDub. That's kind of like picking the Giants to beat the Patriots in the Superbowl, but doing it two weeks after the fact.

Keeping abreast of the trial

There are plenty of reasons to overturn a guilty verdict. Most often, new evidence comes to light, thereby exonerating the defendant. Every once in awhile, someone else will come forward and admit to the crime. And, of course, there's always the chance that the verdict can be changed due to faulty management of the case.

But how often do you hear about someone having their conviction overturned based off of the evidence that was available at the time? Even more to the point, how often does it revolve around the body of the defendant?

That's exactly what happened to a Japanese model, who was convicted a year ago of property damage related to a break-in at a man's apartment. The man claimed that she broke in and caused the destruction because he was with another woman. The defense claimed then, and reasserted their claim after a year, that there was no way possible for the model to have committed the crime.

After all, her breasts wouldn't have fit through the hole.

It may have taken a year, but the verdict was finally overturned, when actual measurements were taken, and it was proven that the woman would not have been able to fit her 44-inch bust through the opening provided. The bikini model stated that she used to hate her body, but has found not only career success, but now has found an exoneration all because of her proportions.

The model was quoted after the case as saying, "The judges were very good-mannered as they showed no expressions on their faces. I guess they're well-trained." It's entirely possible that the judges were also busy thinking about anime, the only other place in Japan where one can regularly see women of those proportions (and beyond).

This story just goes to show that, while it can often be troubling to stick out amongst your peers, sometimes having a little extra can go a long way to getting you off.

Either way, we're fairly certain that this model has gained more than a handful of supporters and fans since the trial. We wonder if she'll milk it for all it's worth.

Putting kids in the corner

Ah, the birthday party. Especially at a young age, the birthday party is something of a right of passage. After all, it's not only proving that you are mature enough to have guests, but also showcasing your own popularity by displaying exactly how many people like you well enough to venture into a ball pit with you. Especially during our youths, we try to portray ourselves as being slightly older, and wanting to participate in activities that make us seem more mature. The older we physically get, the more we want to recapture the lost youth that we once had. This is exactly why places like Chuck E. Cheese can be seen as venues for birthdays for both young and old alike.

Of course, it's never a good sign when the kids at the arcade are the more adult members of a birthday party. It's an even worse sign when a fight breaks out, between two mothers, all over a basketball arcade game.

During the middle of the birthday party, the kids were playing, as children are prone to doing. A 9-year-old wanted to play the same game that a 13-year-old was playing, got tired of waiting for his turn, and made some comments. The mothers, having their own "conversation" at this time, saw words spill over into punches, with the older boy's mother hitting the younger boy's mother in the side of the head.

See, this is exactly why people need to be more careful. Sure, animatronic rodents playing "music" can be fun for the whole family to enjoy, but those same rodents can stoke a fire of hatred within the bellies of those who are unprepared to face their beady metallic eyes. Add to that the bleeping of video games, the bright lights, and the fact that every parent seems to truly believe that their child is far more deserving (and less likely to do something wrong) than another person's child, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Coincidentally, that recipe for disaster also generally includes pepperoni. As a police officer said, "I don't even know if they finished their pizza." Were that only the case, officer. Those fists were thrown with Chuck's full gastric assault already in hand.

Could have been worse, though. One of them could have had a spork.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 25, 2008

Welcome to Leap Day across this great calendar of ours. Obviously, this day doesn't really exist, or, at least, it doesn't most years, so we're going to dive right in, just in case something weird happens along the way.

Honest Dishonesty Award
In a shocking turn of events, it appears that the upcoming Russian election may be rigged by the Kremlin. We say shocking, because they aren't really denying that they're doing it. Ralph Nader has already prepared his "I didn't cost anyone this election" speech. Meanwhile, Clinton is taking notes.

Awkward Award
What could be worse than giving some hated enemies land, only to box them in with a border fence? We were about to ask Israel, and then an Israeli Defense Minister said that the Palestinians within the Gaza Strip may be about to bring a "holocaust" down on themselves. Yup. So, um... how about that local sports team, huh?

Not The Proper Way to "Lay the Floor" Award
An 18-year-old in Selkirkshire avoided getting registered as a sex offender after an incident where he engaged in a sexual act with pavement. The man was drunk, and, apparently, was going for more of a shock value, as opposed to a strictly sexual motivation. Oddly enough, similar thinking has been applied to Paris Hilton, and, even more so, to those that have dated the Parisite.

Homeless Round-Up Award
New Orleans recently tried to round-up large numbers of the city's homeless, in an attempt to clear underpasses. The problem? It's not illegal to live on the street in the city. The city is now looking at trying to pass a new law to handle the discrepancy. In the meantime, we expect to see the squirrel population of New Orleans continually held in check.

Stick With What You're Good At Award
A large number of us have found ourselves in vehicles when we've had a few too many to drink. Hopefully, the vast majority were not behind the wheel. And yet, we're fairly certain that there have been times in almost everyone's life where they were thinking, "I shouldn't be driving". A cab driver in Australia got to experience that thought twice. Within three hours. And got pulled over each time. And to think, he's still got a couple of weeks before St. Patrick's Day.

Don't Give Him Bad News Award
It should come as no surprise that GDub isn't necessarily the most up-to-date on current events. And yes, let's just ignore that he should really be briefed on everything early in the game. Still, when he's about to talk about the state of the economy, and he gets quizzed on the concept of $4/gallon gasoline, he should probably have a better response than, "I hadn't heard that". Hmm... the rumors of those gas prices must have come from the Democrats...

MILB Award
Japan just got a new oldest professional boxer, and she means business. The 44-year-old mother of two passed the tests, and became the oldest pro boxer, when the previous age champ (46) retired. Needless to say, her children stay off of the lawn, color within the lines, and are more than happy to wait until their father gets home.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, when the calendar stops throwing fake days at us. Stay safe out there.

Whatever happened to casing the joint?

Always remember, if you're serious about trying to become a criminal, and want to start with a robbery, make sure you do a little research beforehand. Otherwise, you could find yourself in the dire predicament that a couple of Australian thieves got into this week.

In our minds, this is how we imagine the exchange must have gone:

(Two machete-wielding, balaclava-wearing burglars burst into bar.)

BURGLAR 1: Get on the ground and give us your money!

(Interior door opens, leading to room packed with bikers).

BURGLAR 2: So, Paul Hogan's a great actor, huh?

After all, when you find that you've decided to rob a bar in the middle of a motorcycle gang's weekly meeting, wouldn't you change tune pretty quickly? The thieves did make an attempt to escape, but one was tackled and hogtied before the police arrived, and his accomplice didn't elude capture for long. Needless to say, the bikers themselves have said that the thieves picked the wrong night for a burglary.

Look, we don't give these little tips out because we're trying to encourage a life of crime from anyone. Sure, we do use criminals as some of our examples, but that's because it's generally easier to find crooks doing something foolhardy. So, in whatever your chosen field, please, take one piece of advice from us today.

Look around you, and try to plan ahead. It might help you avoid getting gang tackled.

Unless, y'know, that's the kind of thing that you're into.

Better late than never

Congratulations to the state of South Carolina! They are currently looking to pass a bill that would officially recognize the end of slavery!

Alright, before you jump to any sort of conclusions or attack us for this exact sort of misleading statement, read the article. Sure, it doesn't make things a whole lot clearer, but it does start to become more obvious that what SC is actually doing is looking to commemorate the unofficial end of slavery. Proposing a "Juneteenth" bill would stop the need to write a temporary proclamation every year, and it would be a chance to honor June 19th, 1855, when Union soldiers announced the end of the Civil War in Texas.

However, looking at the article itself, especially on a cursory glance, one can think that South Carolina is finally getting around to accepting that slavery is over. While we know that there are still people across this country who refuse to believe that the Confederacy lost (and still others who are practically keeping up the fight, or at least their own battle-readiness, to this day), we highly doubt that there are any who haven't gained an understanding that slavery is no more. Sure, civil rights are still being worked out, but you don't see slaves out on plantations anymore. And for anyone to think that a state would have held off accepting such a fact for over 150 years is a bit ludicrous.

And yet, the article lingers out there. Who knows, though. Maybe the writer was trying to phrase the article in such a way as to eliminate confusion, and a clever editor changed words to make it "flow" better. Maybe the author was ultimately confused as to exactly what was happening. Maybe they found themselves distracted by a kid with a Mohawk.

Could have been worse. They could have been working for FOX.

Excuse me, sir, you forgot something

Our regular readers will be well aware that we love articles that point out people being stupid. Whether those people are celebrities, politicians, or registered morons, we just love stupidity in others. And yet we hold a special place in our hearts for stupid criminals.

For example, we love when we hear stories about people trying to rob a place after they've turned in a (correctly filled-out) application. We chortle with joy at the notion of people deciding that they are going to outrun the police in their incredibly slow vehicles, such as tractors. And yet, we're somewhat surprised that we hadn't seen a story quite like this one. We've heard of the concept of mind over matter, but this is ridiculous.

Sure, there have been plenty of instances where people have been able to hold up locations with nothing more than a finger or a candy bar. The successful ones are smart enough to keep their lack of a weapon concealed in a jacket pocket, so that at least it could look like they aren't unarmed. Unfortunately, for the attempted thief in today's story, he just couldn't bring himself to keep his hands in his pockets, and aimed his loaded finger right at the clerk.

Of course, shortly after his arrest, the culprit proceeded to claim that someone else had forced him to make the burglary attempt, all while brandishing a weapon. Given what our star knows about weapons, we think it's entirely possible that the other party he was referring to was simply pointing two fingers, for the double-barrel effect.

Either that, or we've all got firearms on the ends of our wrists, and don't realize it. That would certainly explain the ticking we would hear whenever Bob Dole wasn't holding onto a pen.

Don't stop believing

How many of us remember 1992? Specifically, how many of us remember the presidential campaigns of '92, pitting the senior Bush against the male Clinton? Does anyone remember a certain write-in candidate? No? How about in '96, when said write-in candidate had an actual campaign, running against Pres. Clinton and Bob Dole? Hmm... maybe 2000, where, by many accounts, this man's candidacy cost Gore the election to GDub (honestly, if it comes down to being that close, Gore probably wasn't the best face to present anyway)?

Ah yes, now the face is becoming clearer. When we then recall that he launched another bid in '04, supposedly helping vault GDub to victory over Kerry (although, what we said about Gore holds doubly true for Kerry), we can't help but shake the grave image of Ralph Nader out of our collective brain pans.

And, just in time for another presidential election, guess who's coming to the party? That's right. Just in case you missed it, Nader has once again decided that he's going to run for the presidency. Needless to say, the Democrats are less thrilled than the GOP by this move, since they stand to lose the most voters to Nader and his campaign.

But we're going to step aside for a moment here. And Ralph? Come right over here. We need to have a little chat with you.

Okay. Look, Ralph, nobody denies that you've been able to do some very good things in the realm of safety. Nobody can argue that you've had an impact that has lasted longer than many politicians. But isn't it time that you settled down, picked up your toys, and played in your own field? In your earlier campaigns, the country was at least hungry for a third party that was viable. Now, you really just look like someone who's gotten hungrier for attention than Tom Cruise, without the crazy.

So please, Ralph. Think about things. You're right when you say, "If the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up," but you aren't helping. For goodness sakes, Ralph, people in Minnesota voted for a professional wrestler. We don't need any more confusion.

Besides, you have a better chance of getting elected president of the PTA than the USA. And even they're a little unsure of your motives.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 18, 2008

Well folks, here we are again, watching Friday tick past us. We have moved steadily on from the love that flowed all over the place last week to a week that, in some ways, resembles the misgivings one has the morning after a fling. Sure, it was a fun way to spend a few hours, but is that really how you want to wake up every morning? Before too many of you can answer yes, we're going to get our awards started.

Sexy Beast Award
Of course, some of the big news this week has revolved around sex, which only seems fitting the week after we celebrate love. And the biggest sex story has to be John McCain, and his possible affair with a lobbyist. Part of us applauds the old guy for even having such a rumor flying around him, while part of us is more disgusted by the mere notion. We're pretty certain that it'd be like sleeping with your grandfather, only with a stronger sense of remorse.

We're Not Gonna Take It Award
Speaking of the McCain scandal, leave it to numerous conservative radio and television hosts to come out of the woodwork, slamming the New York Times for even writing such an article. The major affront to them is a lack of corroboration to the story, while still claiming that McCain isn't "conservative" enough. Good to know that FOXNews is going to start using "sources" and other people to back up their stories. Maybe they'll even take the next step, and hire "editors".

Research to the Rescue Award
Once again, Science has pulled through for us, as a recent study into why children play games has released its findings. While the scientists are still looking for deeper sociological and biological reasons as to why, it seems that children play because it's fun. Future studies intend to show that panhandlers beg because they like free money, and people have something to drink because they are thirsty.

At Least It Wasn't a Handicapped Spot Award
Sometimes, people make it a little too easy for the police. Take, for example, the recent story of the drunk driver who parked his car at the police station. The Canadian officers found the man inside the lobby, and promptly arrested him. By many accounts, the man thought he was at a doughnut shop, and was just looking for a little breakfast to soak up all the alcohol he'd imbibed.

Rocky Mountain High Award
Colorado is looking to be yet another state that has finally slipped the shackles of "blue laws", as they appear ready to allow liquor sales on Sundays. If the bill passes, residents of Denver will now be able to react, as opposed to prepare, for a crushing Broncos defeat. Meanwhile, Minnesota continues to stand fast with the, "C'mon, It's Too Cold To Go Outside on Sunday for Beer, Anyway" law.

We Feel Pretty Award
We knew it had to happen sooner or later. After the woman kicked off the plane for wearing too short of a skirt, we now have a story about two women who were treated poorly because they were "too pretty". Within the story itself, mention is made of the behavior of the two women, which was admittedly less than exemplary. The women also believe that the flight attendants may have been jealous, because, "nobody else on the plane looked like us except us". This could also be the script for "The Hottie & the Nottie 2: Soul Plane Boogaloo".

Just Queue It Award
When looking to rob a bank, most people want to just get in, grab the money, and get out in a rush. Not so for a thief in Florida, who waited patiently for his turn in line before demanding the money. And nobody believed Mom when she said that being polite would help us get places.

Alas, Poor Yor-*cough cough* Award
Across Minnesota, bars have been looking to clever ways to help out smokers, ever since a smoking ban went into effect. Mostly, the opening of patios with heaters has helped those needing a quick burn while enjoying their pint. A new loophole (which will probably be closed soon) is allowing smokers back in, as bars are hosting "theater nights" and referring to their patrons as actors. That's right, according to a law, performers are allowed to smoke during shows, so bars are utilizing the loophole to their own advantage. No wonder the last production we saw of "High School Musical" was so lackluster. Humphrey Bogart, Groucho Marx and Popeye could not be reached for comment.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, as we take the time to celebrate the extra day that February grants us this year. After that, of course, the annual guessing game that is March. Stay safe out there.

Not really hurting

Teenagers. They're always going around and doing, well, stuff. Some of that stuff is beneficial, as they have an energy and passion that can be unrivaled, when tapped into correctly. Some of that stuff is destructive, because that same energy and passion left unchecked can lead to negative results if not properly guided. Of course, teenagers tend to have a common gathering place outside of the schools. No, we're not talking about gas stations where they hope to find someone who will buy them cigarettes. We're talking about a different bastion of consumerism; the shopping mall.

Malls and teens have always enjoyed a tenuous relationship. On one hand, seemingly free money coupled with mass quantities of disposable goods seems like a match made in heaven. On the other, large gathering spaces without adequate supervision seems like a recipe for destruction. Many malls across the country have tried to accentuate the positive while curtailing the negative, enforcing curfews where teens need adult supervision after a certain time of day.

Take, for example, the Clearview Mall in Louisiana, which has started enforcing a "Parental Escort Policy". The terms of the policy state that anyone under 16 must be accompanied by someone who is at least 21, or they won't be allowed to stay in the mall. Of course, this wouldn't be America if the teens just sat down and accepted the policy. Instead, a group is planning a boycott of the mall itself, all due to the ruling.

We should point out quickly that the people that fall under such a policy are the ones who cannot drive themselves. Sure, mass transit may be one of the options, but, at least as far as Clearview Mall is concerned, gone are the days where parents drop their children off at the mall while Mommy and Daddy dash off to the casino for a night full of one-armed bandits and hot tub revelry (after all, why else would they try and dump the kids off knowing that they'll only spend their parents money?).

One of the students behind the boycott showed his generation's nimbleness, by posting a forum for the boycott on MySpace, but also their lack of information, by referring to the policy as a ban. Hate to break it to the kids, but a ban would say that nobody under 16 was allowed in the mall. Period. End of sentence. No chance for kids to come in with a drinking-age companion. They just wouldn't be allowed in. So, in all honesty, this really is a supervision policy.

The question is, will the boycott work? Sure, the mall has to be concerned about losing a potentially rich demographic, or at least one that spends freely because many of them aren't concerned with bills, rent, or child-support payments. The teens, on the other hand, will have to contend with finding a new place to loiter, possible (gasp!) even deciding to set new gathering areas in the outdoors, maybe in these new-fangled parks that we keep hearing about.

All we really know? The chances of there being a 7pm Hannah Montana concert at Clearview just got a lot slimmer.

(In)sensitivity training

People will often say something that they don't truly mean. Plenty of times, racist or sexist comments will be made, many that are innocent and meant without any vitriol. However, due to heightened awareness on all sides, comments that ten years ago might have been met with little more than derision are now facing larger consequences. But we all understand that mistakes in speech can be made. So what about those among us that make such mistakes while serving in public office? And what about when those mistakes are compounded by more?

Such was the case with a Utah senator, who referred to a bill he was opposed to by saying "this baby is black." Sure, he could have meant something that was entirely without racial connotations, but it was his follow-ups that really made matters worse for him.

A meeting was scheduled with the NAACP, but the senator backed out when he learned that the meeting would be public. He referred to a storm of emails as a "hate lynch mob". And then, when he learned that he had managed to offend again (and, really, when one thinks about the usage of lynch mobs, doesn't one tend to think of a racial connotation?), he followed this up by saying, "How do I know what words I'm supposed to use in front of those people?" If he'd continued, he may very well have stumbled across the terms "tar baby", "Uncle Tom", or worse.

Look, we firmly believe that speech is a powerful tool, and we acknowledge the power of words. We'd also love to believe that people have a brain of their own, and that we don't need to police every little thing that gets said, simply because someone might be offended by the term. This is not detracting from the power of the words themselves, but it is merely pointing out that many people are just a little too thin-skinned to engage in conversation with.

That being said, a public official, elected by his constituents to represent them, who chooses to use such language in a completely careless way does need to get reprimanded, and, preferably, in a public setting. Why, we almost expect him to start talking about internment camps, and expressing his love for the Orient.

When celebrities are caught saying these things, we expect public outrage and open apologies. We crave these public shows, even if we never accept the individuals again (right, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington?). So why should politicians be held to any different standard?

Oh, wait. Because more people voted for Sanjaya than GDub. Enough said.

Maybe he didn't have a costuming budget

There are few things that will ever seem as strange to do as videotaping yourself breaking into someone's house. Sure, it's a great home movie to show the family down the road, but have people learned nothing from all the kids that have been busted because of videos they posted on MySpace or Facebook? And yet, some people decide to go the extra step, and videotape themselves breaking into someone's home, all while wearing nothing but a thong and a smile.

Of course, with that sort of a wardrobe, there really isn't much of a way of hiding embarrassment, either.

To top it all off, the burglar in our story, who didn't just film himself gaining access, was thwarted in his efforts by the woman living in the house. While he ran away to a nearby group of trees, he left behind a crucial piece of evidence.

No, not the knife he was carrying. And, thankfully, not the thong that he was wearing. He left behind his video camera, which also had some family footage on the end of the tape.

Of course, it's entirely possible that the man wasn't simply trying to videotape himself in the middle of a crime. It could be that he was really an amateur porno director, one who casts themselves in the lead role, and he was hoping that, perhaps, the woman of the house would be a bit more receptive. Otherwise, we can think of little reason to parade around in a thong while training a camera on yourself.

If that was the case, just a quick word of advice for our thwarted assailant. There's a reason that the pizza guy or the repair man are recurring motifs in the industry.

For some reason, dollars never figure into the tip.

Way to step up

It's always nice when people give credit where credit is due. Take, for example, a group of parishioners in Texas who are just pleased as punch about one of their youth pastors. After all, said spiritual leader truly stepped up, accepted responsibility for his actions, and made his confessions to God.

Oh, yeah. And he confessed to the police. For a murder that he committed 12 years ago.

Members of the community are just so very glad that he confessed, and they don't want to see him arrested. Many are expressing forgiveness because, as one parishioner said, "the Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step."

Well heck, if that's all it takes, why don't more criminals just get home at the end of the day and say something like, "Forgive me Father, but I have sinned. Today, I robbed a convenience store of their money and a condom. Tomorrow I may rob someone else"? Actually, a number of criminals may say that already, or something similar. We'll never truly know, because, well, are any of us the type to instinctively trust someone who admits to breaking laws?

To the congregation in Texas, here's something else that the Bible says. "Thou shalt not kill." Not "Thou shalt not kill, or at least thou shalt feel really bad about it after a decade has passed." And while it's very true that the youth pastor has probably changed his ways quite a bit since the killing, the number of people praising his responsible nature for stepping forward and admitting his crimes seem to be missing a point.

He waited over ten years. During that time, he was teaching children, and, well, could have possibly snapped and killed someone again. Good for him to come forward now, but to say that forcing him to spend jail time would be removing a mentor from the community seems a little off.

It's not like anyone is spending their days looking up to OJ now, right?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 11, 2008

Welcome to Friday, and welcome to the day after Valentine's Day. Yesterday had people all over the place feeling the love, and yes, by love we do mean expensive dinners at overcrowded restaurants coupled with a near-obligation to partake in a romantic comedy of some sort. Us, we kept our eyes on the news, as we always do. Let's get this love affair rolling.

See Joe Pander. Pander, Joe, Pander Award
Joe Lieberman. We actually long to return to a time when we didn't have a story about him within a given week, but the Democrat/Independent/Republican-panderer just keeps himself in the news. This week, we learned that Joe isn't all that opposed to waterboarding, because, well, it's "not like putting burning coals on people's bodies". Sure, he'd like some restraint exercised as to how frequently the technique is used, but he doesn't believe it to be torture. This same technique was called illegal earlier this week by the Justice Department. So it's nice to know that Joe is willing to stand by his views, no matter how wrong they are proven to be. Lieberman also is a fan of putting burning embers on people, because, well, embers aren't quite coals.

Drinking For Two Award
Just when you thought it couldn't possibly happen, a woman in her seventh month of pregnancy has been accused of hitting a bartender with a beer bottle. The reason why? The bar had decided that maybe it was time to cut her off. Well, obviously, nobody puts baby in a corner, or tells it that it's time to stop drinking. Ultrasounds also show the baby already equipped with a cooler and a novelty beer helmet.

Who You Gonna Call? Award
A team of sewer workers in Eastbourne, East Sussex, called in a ghostbuster to help them deal with a suspected zombie in the sewers. An investigation into the area proved nothing, suspecting that it could be just high electromagnetic levels, or it could be an actual haunting. Dan Aykroyd had no comment, but the zombie is quoted as saying, "Nnnhhhhhhhh."

Nicaraguan Patriots Award
It seemed inevitable. The New England Patriots were cruising to an undefeated season, and only the New York Giants stood in their way. So, naturally, t-shirt producers began churning out celebratory "19-0" shirts. And where are those shirts now? Nicaragua, the big recipient of the unwanted shirts. This move is both good and bad. Good, because it delivers clothing to a group of people that might not have had access to it on their own. Bad, because now these children may feel that they were lied to, and that true perfection is unattainable. Good thing a lot of those kids will grow up to play baseball.

Slow Down, You Move To Fast Award
News of a tragic 25-kid pile-up reached us, resulting in many trips to the hospital (or at least the nurse's station) for treatment of various owies. Wait a minute. A 25-kid pile-up? Whatever happened to "Watch where you're going"? If only they had posted a speed limit...

Pot, This is the Kettle Award
A prison psychologist has been cleared of charges after having had sex with a mentally ill inmate. The psychologist reportedly "plans to raise the baby boy with him if he's ever declared safe", making us wonder about her own sanity. Oh well, apparently, those that can, do. In prison. With crazy people. We'll keep our eyes out for recommendations for the prisoner's parole. Meanwhile, Sigmund Freud is still fondling his cigar.

Overtime Schmovertime Award
We all know what it's like to get to the end of our work shift and really feel the need to clock out. Not many of us understand that feeling when you're a good 60 miles away from your destination. And even fewer of us can possibly comprehend that feeling when you're driving a bus full of recent parolees. The driver's time had expired, and they had pulled over, letting the passengers know that another driver was on the way. Nicolas Cage was later seen smirking to himself, but the expression was probably unrelated.

Say Twenty "Our Fathers" and Thirty "Oh Gods" Award
A Florida church is about to propose a fairly radical concept. The church is set to challenge their married parishioners to have sex every day for 30 days, while asking the single ones to abstain for the same period of time. The pastor is looking to help parishioners develop new levels to their relationships. No word on whether or not swinger couples will be asked to select just one partner for the entire thirty days.

And, on that note about a little more physical kind of love, we're going to take our leave. We'll keep our eyes open, though, to see if the love for McCain and Obama continues to sweep through the country, or if Huckabee and Clinton can sweep us away at last call with the promise of an after-party. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Heckuva job

Boy, those FEMA people just can't seem to catch a break, especially when it comes to anything having to do with Hurricane Katrina. First, they get blamed for their slow response time, and their overall lack of planning when helping those struck by the disaster.

Now, it turns out that their trailers are no good.

People ravaged by Hurricane Katrina that were given temporary homes in FEMA trailers will be finding themselves relocated again, due to high levels of formaldehyde found present in the air. Turns out that the trailers weren't the best plan for long-term housing, and FEMA will be moving the families into mobile homes, which are better suited for a longer displacement. After all, they've got the word "home" in their name.

Of course, for people living in the trailers, this doesn't come as much of a shock. After all, for the last year, families have been getting moved at a fairly rapid rate, even though problems have existed for two years, and FEMA themselves denied any issue when presented with findings showcasing the environmental risk. It wasn't until a lawyer got a judge to force the issue that the government agency actually began testing, with some help from the CDC.

At least now that they've got proof that they can agree with, FEMA is making amends, and trying to get things moving in a positive direction for the affected families. It's not like they did the research, saw the results, and chose to blatantly ignore them.

Gaffes like that are saved for higher levels of government.

A case of "Buyer Beware"?

The Internet. A wonderful tool that has brought people from all walks of life together, uniting them through common purposes. Whether that purpose is pornography, celebrity gossip, making fun of others, or some combination of all three, the web definitely has a place for you. A place where everybody knows your name, or at least your clever screen alias. And sure, there are people who utilize the global online community for business purposes, but where's the fun in that?

Of course, that doesn't mean that you should be careful when going online for certain things. For example, when auctioning yourself off as a willing sex partner to multiple winners, it might be a good idea to keep things to the somewhat-less-anonymous bar scene. Or you could find yourself pregnant, and not know who the father is.

Take a moment to read the story again. It's alright, we'll still be here when you get back.

Alright, now that you've fully processed the article, we just have to take a moment to pause and question. Mainly, we're questioning exactly what this woman could have possibly been thinking. She put herself (and her sexual favors) up for auction, through a site that only required the screen names of the men involved. She then proceeded to follow through with the terms from her end (good to know that she wasn't going to, um, screw them out of their winnings) and, surprise surprise, got pregnant. Now she wants to know exactly who the guys were, but the site that ran the auction is standing by its confidentiality agreement.

So, to sum up, a woman sold herself to multiple men without knowing anything about them (other than the fact that they could win an auction and use a computer), and, now that she's pregnant, she at least wants to get access to a phone number. Never mind that she may never actually determine who the father of her child is, because, well, that could require a legal battle to get the men to agree to a paternity test.

Only in Europe. Honestly, if something like this happened in America, the odds on favorites would be that the woman in question was a celebutard, and that the father was a back-up dancer for somebody. Even if they weren't famous, you can bet that they'd be jumping at the chance to get their story told on tabloid television, hoping it would lead to a lucrative film contract (or at least a TV-movie about their "plight").

We do hope for the best for the woman in question, but we're thinking that her chances of determining paternity are about as good as Jesus getting struck by lightning.

Oh, that happened?

Well, then. Good luck, fellas!

Finger lickin' good

It really does seem like it was only a matter of time before it finally happened. And by "it", we of course mean Kentucky deciding to embrace KFC as the official state picnic food. The bill is specifically mentioning the original recipe introduced by Col. Sanders in 1940, but it will obviously be a boon to KFC and to those who like to feel that they are supporting their state by eating an official state designated meal.

Naming an official state picnic food seems fairly innocuous. It really doesn't seem possible for anyone to get upset about the idea. And yet, well, this is America, where people are willing to sue over a wide variety of things, and willing to protest or complain about an even wider variety. So could there possibly be a group out there who would take offense to fried chicken rising to such a prominent position in the Bluegrass State?

This should come as no surprise to anyone, but PETA has some issues with the concept. The animal rights group, who has established itself as being a few steps beyond "rational" when dealing with anything on an animal front, is fairly upset, with one of their representatives saying, "If the state legislature moves forward with this one, then they should change Kentucky's state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken," obviously missing the point. After all, it's not like Kentucky is declaring fried cardinal the official state picnic food.

While it's been fairly conclusively proven that many animals raised specifically for mass consumption (chickens, cows, hamsters for some folks) are raised in conditions that aren't necessarily the most conducive to long healthy life, it's also not like we're looking to pamper these creatures. After all, humans have long been omnivores, and, as our population (and waistline) has increased, we've gotten used to the idea of fairly docile sources of meat. So maybe the chicken isn't living in a posh roost. Neither are a good share of the rest of us.

And, when it comes to living situations that aren't conducive to long life, why doesn't PETA look at this couple from the Moscow State Circus. Where is his support group clamoring to get him assistance?

Oh, wait. That would have probably been his wife, until recently. Oops.

Let's get (meta-)physical

Today, we've found two different articles that don't seem to flow together. And yet, when we hear most people say the word "exorcise", it sounds a lot like people saying "exercise". So, with that tenuous thread, we're going to move forward with our post.

Anyways, first we're going to focus on the "exercise" portion of the program. Hope that if you ever find your car stuck in a ditch, you can do it near a gym, like a German motorist recently did. The reason why? You may get rescued by a group of body-builders.

Yes, you read that correctly. After the driver got stuck in the ditch, ten people working on their 300 physiques dropped their weights, hauled the car out in a matter of minutes, and then returned to their workouts. They were even treated to a free round of energy drinks by the grateful driver, who could have saved money by trying to thank them with beer. Of course, we first start wondering if these weight lifters used proper technique. Then we quickly shift to the realization that, if only one of them had been a competitor for "World's Strongest Man", the other nine would have been superfluous. And he could have gotten the car out with his teeth.

Moving on, it's not just exercise that's gaining popularity (and thankful drivers) in Europe. As it so happens, exorcism is seeing a resurgence, as well. In fact, the number of priests trained to perform the rite has increased dramatically, as the number of people being sabotaged by demons and ghosts has risen. In fact, a priest in Poland is planning an exorcism center, sort of a one-stop shop for ridding yourself of the devil's footprint. The center would also feature "in-patient" service, allowing the plagued to stay for a few days to get the help that they need.

Church officials believe that the need for trained exorcists has increased because more people are eschewing the church. So yes, before you ask, likely cases that might need exorcism include those who have left Catholicism for a "New Age" religion or the occult. After all, what better way to bring someone back into the flock than to accuse them of being plagued by demons. Other groups that could be likely candidates include practitioners of yoga, and people that could be considered Internet addicts.

If only there were a way to combine the two concepts we've covered. Some sort of "exorcism exercise" could be truly awesome. Just think about it. Become the person you want, both inside and out. Shed demons while shedding pounds. And, if you drive your car into a ditch, trust that someone (or, possibly, ten burly someones) will come along to help you out.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 4, 2008

Happy Friday, everybody! It's been a full week, what with Super Tuesday, candidates dropping out of the race, shuttles blasting off, and some furry animal poking its head out of the ground. Honestly, we were hoping for things to be a little more clear cut after Tuesday, just because we were looking forward to headlines proclaiming an "Obama-nation". Not that we're throwing our support, just that we giggle a little when we say that out loud. Besides, we wouldn't want to be like Obama Girl, with her music videos and her proclamations of love, and yet her lack of voting. But that's another story, and one that we're going to gloss over. With that said, let's get rolling.

From Super to Sub Award
Oh, Joe Liebermann. You've had your trials and your tribulations. We watched you parade around as a potential VP, then saw how quickly the tide could turn when you stood steadfast after smooching GDub. And now, we see that you've been hit with the "Zell Miller" ruling. But don't worry, Joe. You'll always be super in our minds. Super-conflicted, but super nonetheless.

Think of the Family Award
In an historic operation, literally dozens of people with mob connections were arrested earlier this week, both in New York and in Sicily. 30 people were arrested on the Italian island, with more than double that arrested in America. Amongst those arrested? John "Jackie Nose" D'Amico and Domenico "The Greaseball" Cefalu. No word on the status of Tony "Panties" Marino or Gino "Prone to Seizures" Aurello. New York also seen shouting, "In your face, Sicily!"

I Said, "Whoa!" Award
The image of a hearse being drawn by horses is both beautiful and somber. That is, until the horses stampede and drag the coffin around the cemetery. Benny Hill's body later seen fleeing at top speed, being chased by women in bikinis.

A Quiet Roommate Award
It seems like a story like this is found every once in a while. An elderly man in Bristol hasn't had a complaint about his roommate for the last five years. This is largely because the roommate has been dead for that long. The living resident never called the police, possibly due to mental health problems. On the up side, they never fought over whether to watch "Big Brother" or "Doctor Who".

Keep Off the Grass Award
In Florida, they really take their lawn care a bit more seriously than most states. If you need proof, just try and find another state where someone was killed after a dispute about the length of the grass. And here in Minnesota we thought it was bad when people don't shovel the walk. As for the Florida neighborhood, might we suggest Astroturf?

I Love Choco-... Oh Award
Science has once again decided to flex its muscles, as a lab in Texas, at the request of a television station, found ways to keep us all from enjoying our Valentine's Day chocolates this year. The lab discovered hair and insect parts in many of the chocolates. Sales for chocolate-covered ants will definitely be hurt by this report. As for us, we're still waiting for "Crunchy Frog" to become available.

Isn't It Ironic? Award
In an effort to help slow down major global climate change, people have begun resorting to biofuels such as ethanol. And yet, in a report published Thursday, biofuels actually cause more greenhouse gas emissions than standard fuels. This explains why Exxon has been laughing as they skip and sing their way to the bank.

Zap! Award
The Nebraska Supreme Court has recently found itself in line with many other states in America, as they have now ruled that the electric chair is "cruel and unusual punishment", and therefore must no longer be used. Of course, when compared to being forced to listen to Dr. Phil or trying to understand caucus logistics, the chair doesn't seem all that bad.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, possibly even with a look into candidate tax returns. Until then, we'll just keep looking ahead, trying to make our best guesses as to how things will turn out. We'll also be keeping our fingers crossed that the WGA strike may be over soon. Our television misses us. Stay safe out there.

Up, up, and up

Is there anything that medications can't do? Sure, some people will say that medication won't repair a broken marriage, and others will be hesitant to use medications as a primary source of income, but couldn't it just be that these people haven't tried the right pills?

And what exactly are the right pills? We used to believe that each situation and/or condition had its own required medication. We're beginning to find out that there may just be a wonder drug that works wonders, and no, we're not talking about aspirin.

We're talking about Cialis.

Why are we mentioning anti-impotence drugs? Because, apparently, Israeli fighter pilots may get anti-e.d. pills to help them combat dizziness caused by low oxygen levels while they combat enemies caused by building a wall around the Gaza Strip.

The pills have worked for climbers in higher altitudes, and Israeli army doctors think that the pilots could see similar results during their long exposures to thin air, making breathing much harder.

Of course, if these pills don't bring about the intended result, at least we can rest assured that the Israeli pilots will be steady and strong, possibly for hours at a time, during intense sessions. And if that doesn't provide us all with certain levels of comfort and joy, then we don't know what will.

We can hear the new tagline already... "Cialis. For when you need to go up and away."

All in the definition

Part of the challenge facing teachers in our global society is how exactly to address certain topics, while keeping themselves out of trouble. Here in the United States, plenty of instructors are finding themselves teaching mainly to standardized tests, even skipping other pertinent information that could be useful in order to prepare the students best for the tests that they know will be given out. In other parts of the world, some teachers take their own tactic.

Take, for example, the Australian teacher who, at first, found himself under fire for an assignment, only to be cleared of wrong-doing and later promoted. His assignment?

He asked a group of 8-year-old students to answer the question, "Is Nudity and Pornography the same thing?" Of course, he encouraged the students to use the Internet as a valuable resource to come to their conclusions. After all, the Internet has plenty of material on both subjects.

That's where the "Oops" comes in. A number of the students viewed the homework assignment as an opportunity to download porn off of the Web. When questioned, the teacher stood by his assignment, pointing out that he merely intended the students to gather definitions, not to actually view the imagery. Of course, he also pointed out how important it is for children to understand the difference, and to learn about sexual health and awareness within a physical education curriculum. Complaints were lodged, the computers were cleansed, and the teacher was given a pass on his assignment.

Of course, part of the outrage comes from children being exposed to pornographic material, but, in today's modern world, it's almost impossible to shield people completely. Heck, most internet sites have at least a little implied pornography, if not blatant imagery. We've even talked about the frequency of celebrity nipple slips, and it's hard to avoid a comment here or there about various sexual acts.

Part of us wonders if this had come about because, for some reason, people are still more comfortable with children viewing violent acts, as opposed to sexual ones. While it's certainly true that children are often too immature to deal with the sexual ramifications, a good number of them can't quite separate when their favorite movie character gets into a fight. And yet the double standard still exists, where sex is taboo, but a good raucous gunfight is suitable for primetime entertainment.

If only it had gone the other way around. We might have been treated to images of celebrities fighting each other, as opposed to showing a severe distaste for undergarments.

"One Night In Paris" could have been an entirely different video.

Those bathrooms are killers

Wal-Mart has something of a bad reputation. Not only are the megastores practically synonymous with driving out smaller local shops while paying workers less than a livable wage, they are seen as the embodiment of evil for many. How any store that places its hunting equipment just a few aisles over from it's bicycles and toys could be seen as evil is beyond us, but, well, plenty of people seem to jump all over Wal-Mart when they're talking about the evils of consumerism and the corporate culture.

Take, for instance, a woman who wrote a letter to Wal-Mart. She's upset that she hasn't gotten a response yet. Of course, the letter was written shortly after an incident in August, and she wants to know why it took a janitor 9+ hours to find the body of her husband, but we can't expect that any major corporation is just going to freely hand that information over. Especially with the highly competitive nature of so many of these corporations.

Look at it this way. Wal-Mart doesn't blatantly explain how they can sell DVDs for $29, or TVs for a nickel. Sure, a lot of people can assume that it's a combination of substandard quality coupled with low wage overhead, but we can't be certain. When it comes to determining how a janitor could completely miss a dead body for so many hours, sure, one could guess that the root cause was a combination of lack of training and overall laziness (possibly caused by wage strife). And it's not like Wal-Mart is being considered responsible for the death itself. If they were, you can practically bet that some of these other "big box" stores would be crawling all over themselves to see which one could be responsible for the next corpse left undiscovered for a double shift.

Seriously? Wal-Mart isn't responding to this situation? What, are they afraid that they somehow might look worse than they already do? There's really only one way for that to happen.

They could hire the current administration in customer service positions.

And over here we have the Casanova

Marketing can be difficult. Not only do you have to come up with a clever way to convince people to buy things they probably don't need, but you also need to constantly be creating new ways of interacting with the world, at least for the consumers. Good marketing can put people at ease and make them feel good about their expenditures. Bad marketing can lead to riots and Gozer the Gozerian's rise.

Okay, maybe not. But bad marketing definitely can lead to complaints, and poor research by a marketing department often results directly in a poorly constructed campaign. Woolworths in Great Britain was recently reminded of that, all over a six-year-old girl's bed.

The problem with the child's bed? It carried the model name "Lolita".

That's right. The title character from the Nabokov story, the character practically synonymous with underage promiscuity (well, at least until Jamie Lynn Spears), the character who has been the subject of multiple movie treatments and a psychological diagnosis, was able to bestow her name onto a bed designed for a little girl, and, until they took the time to look on Wikipedia, the staff at Woolworth's didn't think anything of it.

While we can forgive the staff (somewhat) for not being familiar with the novel, we really have to wonder exactly what type of box their marketing department was kept in. After all, there should have been at least one person on their staff who had some sort of a faint recollection when the name "Lolita" was first bandied about, and that recollection should have prompted a web search, at the very least. Admittedly, when the issue was brought to their attention, the bed was quickly removed from their product line, so they do get some credit for acting quickly, but the entire situation could have (and should have) been avoided from the start.

What's next? Knives marketed under the name "Oedipus"? The "Ophelia" hot tub? And let's not forget the possibility of the "Arthur Dent" towel set.

Actually, that last one isn't such a bad idea.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 28

What a week this has been. We've seen presidential hopefuls becoming hopeless in the blink of an eye. We've seen candidates previously at each other's throats warmly embracing. We've seen the zombie of Ron Paul continue to shamble across the country, moaning something about delegates. And let's not forget celebrities and their shenanigans. So let's get our awards rolling.

Jai Guru Indeed Award
Next Monday, in honor of a number of anniversaries, NASA is planning on beaming the Beatles song "Across the Universe" quite literally across the universe. The song will be beamed out to Polaris, and even Sir Paul McCartney is excited about the prospect of having his music heard by extraterrestrial ears. Of course, if NASA wanted the song to be understood, they might have considered sending something that Ringo penned, instead.

Just a Little Pin Prick Award
An acupuncturist in Texas is trying for a second time to get licensed in the state. The trouble that she ran into the first time, and may run into the second time? She's legally blind. Given the fact that acupuncture requires very specific placement, it would seem to us that letting the blind poke you with pins would be akin to letting OJ Simpson give you anger management training.

Va-Va-Va-Voom Award
For many years, the only reason that men cared about women wearing lingerie was because, well, they thought it was being done solely to impress them. For many years, that theory worked, because many men have found themselves impressed by women in sexy undergarments. A graduate student (male, for those of you playing at home) recently determined that women also buy lingerie based off of what other women think. This explains so much about sorority pillow fights.

Let's Go to the Tape Award
Earlier this year, a scandal fell over a beloved American institution. This scandal is now being looked into by one of our senior senators, Arlen Specter (R-PA). That scandal, of course, was the sideline taping done by the New England Patriots early in the NFL season, and fact that the tapes have now been destroyed. While admitting that the revelations will have no bearing on major (or many minor) events working through the halls of government, he stressed the importance of the investigation, to renew the faith of the American people in the National Football League. Because nobody has plans for Sunday night.

Brother Can You Spare A Lawyer? Award
A panhandlers union in Ottawa, Ontario is preparing to sue the city over a fence put up around a bridge underpass, taking away a potential sleeping area from the city's homeless population. Yes, you read that correctly. A panhandlers union. What happens if they go on strike?

Nothing To See Here Award
Pam Anderson, known almost as well for her porn tapes and disastrous marriages as she is for her longtime role on "Baywatch" is set to appear at a Parisian nude revue. Anderson is planning on doing a striptease while atop a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Wait, wasn't that just a scene in "Barb Wire"? And yes, the French have already surrendered to fits of nausea.

How Many Delegates in Botswana? Award
The world is watching the upcoming presidential elections in the United States with great interest. This comes after eight years where the international view of the US has grown steadily poorer, and a number of countries are looking to see who becomes the new Commander in Chief in a hope that they can restore America to a credible position. This explains why there's been a large German push for President Hasselhoff.

Defending Our Borders Award
Let's hear it for the Department of Homeland Security! After years of difficulty establishing better controls at the United States border, they've made great strides in keeping illegals out. Of course, those new controls are at the US-Canada border, but hey, we'll take the little victories. Canada can keep their universal health care, low-cost medications and friendly citizens all to themselves. Can we establish more restrictions around Quebec?

Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time Award
A new debit card is offered by Reserve Solutions. Instead of draining your checking or savings account over time, this new card will allow the consumer to borrow directly against their 401(k). That sound you hear is your retirement melting away from $3 service fees.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, by which time we fully expect a new glut of celebrities to be either entering or leaving rehab. We also expect that, for at least a day and a half, the only news we'll see will be about some silly game played with an oblong ball. Stay safe out there.