Outstanding

We're very familiar with the story, and we're certain that a great many of you are, as well. After all, it's a common one, and it's been told time and time again, with different players being thrown into the starring roles. No matter how often you change the names and faces, the overall story is the same.

What story are we talking about? We're talking about a respected member of the community, and the trials that they have to face when everyone turns their back because of an admission. Sometimes it's an admission of a wrong-doing, such as gambling or an affair. Sometimes it's a declaration of their sexual orientation. Sometimes it's a love for the music of the BeeGees. Either way, those that come forward are quickly discarded by the people that need their support the most.

Why, just recently, a teacher in the Eau Claire, WI area was addressing some of her health students, and, in the spirit of honesty, admitted her sexual orientation. Naturally, the principal for the school stepped up, and, in light of the complaints from parents, proceeded to defend the statements of the teacher, and her right to do so in the first place. He even went so far as to praise her honesty.

Wait, what? Whatever happened to abandoning someone in one of their greatest times of need? After all, letting a secret like that out, especially to a group of students who hadn't asked the question yet (but were probably agonizingly close to doing so) can cause a person to need support. And yet, in most parts of America (and in many parts of the global community), instead of embracing the individual and supporting them through the time that they know they'll be ostracized, it's often the job of those in power to, for lack of a better term, "throw them under a bus". Did this principal learn nothing from those that tried to teach him?

It's also possible that this principal is taking the last syllable of his title a little too seriously. Sure, he can be buddy buddy with the teachers, but, when one says something so obviously inflammatory as to admit their sexual orientation, that's a time to make space for yourself. Unless, of course, the notion that someone admitting who they are and being open and honest with a group of impressionable children, children who might one day feel the desire to be open and honest themselves, is somehow not wrong and/or harmful to the way that this country has been run for at least the last decade or so.

Really, Mr. Principal. We expected more out of you. While we applaud you for going out on a limb to support someone for their honesty, we really thought that you would have a creative plan to alienate them.

And yet you couldn't even step forward and insist that this teacher place a padlock on their pants.

Shame, Mr. Principal. Shame on you for being so gosh-darned understanding and open about these things, and for trying to teach both your students and their parents a little compassion. Just imagine what could possibly happen if the tolerance that you preach spreads through the rest of the nation.

Just imagine.

Leading by example

We had to do some thinking when it came to today's news story. At first, we were caught by the research being done into why the numbers of elderly people dying after a fall was rising so steadily. After all, it seemed like something that we could really dig into. That is, of course, until we remembered that, as a whole, our population is getting older, and nobody has figured out a way to stop that dastardly villain gravity from working his tricks upon our lives. That realization left us grasping at straws.

The straw that we finally grabbed a hold of, however, seems like one that's got some legs to it. After all, how can we pass up the story of a retired police officer going on trial? Specifically, for assault and disorderly conduct? Even more specifically, when the assault and assorted charges were against a cell phone user the former cop thought was being rude?

That's right, folks. Be careful when riding public transportation and using your cell phone. If you're too loud about it, you might get smacked around a bit. Heck, if you're trying to intervene to stop an incident already in progress, you might get smacked around, too. And yet, when the suspect goes on trial, has witnesses to testify against him, represents himself, and still somehow finds a way to get acquitted, you have to wonder. Especially when the actions taken to stop the rude behavior are a little beyond rude in the eyes of many.

Even people who weren't directly tied to this incident expressed a lack of shock over the circumstances, with one alluding to the retired officer as "a dog marking his territory". This just proves that they weren't paying attention. If talking on a cell phone is considered rude by the self-appointed conduct officer, then we can't imagine what he would do if he caught someone urinating on the train.

Although, having spent sometime in NYC subway stations, we're not really sure how many people would have noticed.

Being forced to volunteer

Community service. Public awareness. A sense of pride in accomplishment. These are things that school administrators in Maine might be thinking about with their newly proposed graduation requirement.

An overly full work-load. Less time with friends. Being forced to be near old people, some of whom might be as old as, like, 50, or something. These are things that students in Maine might be thinking about, having heard about the proposition.

But what exactly is being considered? Forcing the students to perform 40 hours of community service to graduate. 10 hours per year. 60 minutes over a five week span. And they're already complaining that it's too much to bear.

Look, kids, we understand. We feel for you. We remember a time when we found ourselves laboring away in the class room, pressured by the volumes of homework that we had to carry. We know what it's like to put together a part-time job on top of a full load of schoolwork. How else do you think we ended up blogging?

But here's the thing. You're being asked to give up twelve minutes per week. You know how you can gain that twelve free minutes? Why, just record everything you watch on television with a DVR. Cut out the commercials from one hour-long program, and you're left with at least 16 minutes, on average. So, after you're done watching "Gossip Girl", you can go, do some quick community service, and still have 4 minutes to spare before you start obsessing over "American Idol".

And, while we're thinking outside of the box, let's work to expand the notion of community service. Sure, there are things such as adopting portions of highway and visiting the elderly in nursing homes. Those are classics, and they'll always work. But what if you're a musically inclined kid with a bad back and an aversion to liver spots? Maybe your community service should be helping to educate the masses of your hometown on the finer points of the Coachella Music Festival. And, if you're a gamer, just think about how you could use your Wii skills helping the injured with their physical therapy (all up to the point where you devastate them. After all, if they're in therapy, there's no way that they can move as quickly as you, so exploit their weakness).

Now, if you don't mind, the commercial break for "Last Comic Standing" is almost over.

Stick the landing

Smell that in the air? That's Olympics Fever, kids. That's the smell of people getting excited, as they do every couple of years, for a bunch of sporting events that only draw attention once every four years. That's the aroma of people clamoring to find out just how much better their nation's athletes are at pole vaulting than the rest of the world. Why, that's the scent that we can only affiliate with people being unsure whether they should support their favorite athletes (paid or not) or boycott the whole thing because of the politics of the host.

And yet, out there in this vast world of ours, there are people that can't detect the sweet smell of Olympic Fever. Some are opposed to the brotherhood gained from watching NBA players getting trounced by Lithuanian amateurs. Some don't have the proper olfactory make-up that can be gained by seeing a torch pass by (for the record, some of those people are in Paris). And, for at least one young woman, the smell can't be detected because it's being blocked by a belly-button ring.

Wait. Let's be more clear about that. It's being blocked by her own belly-button ring. Apparently, the woman woke up, proceeded to fall out of bed, and somehow caught her navel decoration stuck in her nasal area.

We have to give some credit where credit is due, of course. After all, there are a few ways that we can imagine getting a belly-button ring lodged in your nose, and none of them involve either a) falling out of bed, or b) wearing said belly-button ring at the time. We almost think that this woman should petition to get this entered in as an Olympic sport.

And just think of the attention that the medal winners would get in the Olympic village.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 31, 2008

Welcome to another Friday. Here in Minnesota, people are celebrating the beginning of spring, and the triumph of the Wild. Outside of the state, people are stuck just celebrating spring. Well, except for places that never truly had winter. They've already moved on to summer and sunburns. Of course, we knew that spring was coming, because we watched the number of reported student-teacher "relations" leap. It only makes sense, as the teachers are about to enter their annual summer hibernation in just a few short months. But enough dawdling. We've got awards to hand out.

Going Halvsies Award
Sometimes, you need to be careful what you ask for. Other times, you just need to specify. Otherwise, you could find yourself like the Serbian woman who received half of her husband's property after a divorce. Literally. Serbian WalMarts are now considering the slogan, "Buy two, because you might get divorced".


Bait and Switch Award
When looking for a fishing excursion in Fort Pierce, Florida, don't bother looking for a topless boat. A charter service with bikini-clad and/or topless crew members has been kicked out of the marina for not being family friendly. Meanwhile, we're left here pondering on the effects of accidentally catching a fish hook in the implants.


Oops Award
With a number of states enacting smoking bans in bars, it only seems fitting that researchers in Wisconsin (well-known for their bars per capita) should look into aftereffects. They're results? No smoking in bars has led to an increase in drunk driving. Whether that's due to people driving further to get to smoking-permitted bars, people drinking longer because they aren't being forced out by the smell of cigarettes, or people having a couple of extra shots to get the taste of that last drink of rail tequila out of their mouth (something smokers have an advantage at) has yet to be determined.


Give Them Something to Talk About Award
We mentioned earlier about the proliferation of teacher-student sex stories. Normally, we pass them by. Every once in a while, we need to bring one to light. Like, for example, the story of a teacher who slept with her 14-year-old student because he was "shy". In light of this story, men across the country are now acting afraid of the women that they're attracted to, with only 32% actually harboring fear. We have to wonder if the student at least got an A in biology (and possible extra credit in geometry).


Some People Never Learn Award
But we can't just leave you with one story like that. Oh no. Especially not when it could be construed as setting up a prison love connection a couple of years down the road. Why, we practically need to share with you the story of a church aide and her 15-year-old paramour. Seems pretty run-of-the-mill, right? How about the fact that, mere hours before a court appearance for an incident in March, she was found to have had the boy over again, violating her bail. Given that the two met at church, we have to wonder if there was possibly some sort of "come to Jesus" moment. And yes, we feel bad about that.

The Les Nessman Method Award
A teacher in Phoenix has found themselves on paid leave after reports came out that they had taped children into their desks. Turns out that the reports were true, provided that taping someone into a desk means the same thing as taping an outline on the floor, and requesting that they stay inside of it. The teacher is also in trouble for never knocking, and for neglecting to put a dotted tape line for a door. Meanwhile, we're shocked that children anywhere can stay within the lines.

Stupid Criminals, Take One Award
When you show up for a robbery and the police are already there, you might want to rethink your plans. When the police are there because you told the store earlier in the day your full plan, you might want to rethink your chosen career path. Ashton Kutcher is now planning on using a similar story for his newest TV show, "Pop Fiction".

Stupid Criminals, Take Two Award
Of course, spilling your plan is a bad move, but who would have thought that leaving behind your correct address and a photo ID would be less than profitable? Oh wait. Everyone. Well, except for one woman in Michigan.

And that wraps up our awards for today. We're going to go and enjoy the sun and warmth. We'll catch you next week, potentially with our first sunburn of the season. Stay safe out there.

A tale of two stories

Some days, we just can't decide which news story to go with. We often refer to those days as "Friday", but since we have our awards set up for that day, it's not as big of a deal. It certainly gives us a little breathing room.

And then there's days like today, which, try as we might, we can't call "Friday". Days where there are at least two stories that catch our interests. Sure, we can try and eliminate one of the choices, but, in some cases, we just can't pick. Especially when the stories are so drastically different. In the first, we learn what not to do in case of foreclosure, and, in the second, we get to learn about the best job in the world (or, at least one that ranks pretty highly).

As we mentioned, the first story talks about someone who was about to have their house foreclosed on. While there are a number of different routes that one can take when faced with that type of situation (we suggest looking into long-term motel room rentals), there are certain things that definitely should be avoided. For example, we don't really think that mailing the bank mercury would be a good plan. We're also fairly certain that deciding to create a code using ants would be less than productive.

Oh, yeah. And don't burn the place to the ground, either.

Part of the kicker to this is that the woman accused of lighting her own house on fire (with the help of some chemical accelerants) claims that she didn't know about the foreclosure proceedings. She also claims to have not set the fire, and is possibly sure that "American Idol" is a boon to the entertainment industry. If she's being honest (at least about the foreclosure), she's a little out of touch. If she's not, she could have come up with a better excuse than not knowing. Heck, she could embark on a campaign to find the real arsonists.

This whole thing could have possibly been avoided with a better job. And when it comes to good jobs, there are few that can pass up one found in the village of Winsor, Hampshire, UK. After all, how often do you see a posting offer 7 pounds/hour to drink beer and chat with an older man twice a week? Well, how often do you see something like that outside of a red light district?

The story behind the job posting is a bit of a sad one. An 88-year-old widower, with the assistance of his son, is looking for a drinking companion, someone to spend a few hours with per week chatting over a pint. The man lives in a retirement community with only one other male resident, and he feels that sitting at the pub over drinks with a woman might be a bit awkward. The interesting thing will not be whether the position gets filled, but who it gets filled by. Obviously, someone closer to the pensioners age would be ideal, as the two would have more in common, and thus, more to talk about. A younger drinker with an interest in learning and listening from the older generation could also make an ideal partner.

And no, we're not certain how many times Shane McGowan applied.

Serious about the lawn

We like to joke that, the older you get, the less inclined you are to want young people traipsing about on your grass. We naturally refer to this as the "get off my lawn" philosophy; a philosophy which may or may not have any actual basis in reality. For some reason, though, the image of an old codger shaking a cane at some young rapscallions just to get them to retreat to sod that isn't his is an image that amuses us. And yes, for those of you playing at home, that last sentence largely existed so that we could fit both "rapscallion" and "codger" into today's post.

Anyways, it turns out that, at least for one Welshman, steps have actively been taken to keep the young from his grass. According to the man's neighbors, he installed a device known as the Mosquito onto his roof. This same device is used by stores for one major purpose.

It keeps the kids off of the lawn.

The device works simply. When turned on, it elicits a high-pitched frequency that is almost impossible for people over 20 to hear, but causes severe discomfort in the still-developing eardrums of minors. Naturally, unless the kids have some sort of masochistic streak, hearing the device will be enough to keep them from wanting to retrieve their lost ball.

In our eyes, this is another case where technology has done more harm than good, and we're not talking about the children's ability to hear. Ask any parent and you'll learn that a child's hearing is selective at best. No, we're talking about the older generation keeping the younger one from going places they shouldn't, and specifically from wandering about on the older generation's lawn. We remember a time when all you needed was a sturdy fence, a high-powered hose, a death grimace, and possibly a concealed (yet fierce) dog or two, and you could keep kids from even thinking about touching a blade of your grass. Now, we're resorting to electronics, albeit with better results than city streets playing opera to keep the street people away.

Besides, we've all seen enough movies to know how this all will play out. In the olden days, before the Mosquito, eventually the older people were discovered to be softies when it came to children, and they used their scare tactics to keep themselves at a distance, knowing that, once the grass was trampled, the cookies and hugs would soon flow. Now, we're a step away from technological sentience, complete with lasers trained on even the smallest child that strays off the path.

It would make it a lot easier to clean up the dog waste in the yard, though.

Go get 'em, Tiger!

It's a tale as old as time. A young, scrappy fighter, coming up through the minor leagues, experiencing a rough life all until they get their one shot at true glory. That one shot finally materializes when the top of their chosen field calls them out directly.

Of course, if you're thinking that we're just relating the story to Rocky, you are a little off. Because we're not just sharing the Italian Stallion's story. Oh no. We're also sharing the story of the Little New York Senator Who Could. At least, that's what she wants us to believe.

All things considered, this actually makes some level of sense. Well, pretty much everything from the time that the fight against Apollo Creed begins, anyway. The stuff before that (being poor, eking out a living, falling in love in part because of a puppy) doesn't seem to have many similarities. We can't be positive, because we've never seen how Hillary tenderizes her steak, but we're going to sneak a guess. However, just like in Rocky, people have been telling Hillary that she's finished, and that she should stay down. For her part, she's planning to go the distance, rejecting those who say she can't win as being chauvinist (which is much worse than simply understanding math). Given all that, it only makes sense that she would attach herself to the character of Rocky, especially given the campaign stops in Pennsylvania.

Of course, if Hillary really is like Rocky Balboa, we have to wonder if she's actually watched the film all of the way to the end. If so, she'd be aware that *gasp* the black guy wins.

Like a stack of dimes

For as long as people have recorded history, and probably dating back long before that, there have been members of our society that have tried to find ways to get things that they want without the full cost. From the thieves who break into stores in the night to the person who "accidentally" scratches a display model to knock a couple hundred dollars off the price, there have been plenty of people who understand the term "deal" better than they comprehend "fair value". Or, at least, there have been people who are searching for the deal more often than not, and, obviously, a number of them have resorted to illegal (or at least dishonest) means.

Of course, for many, these little schemes backfire, sometimes in big ways. Even when the idea seems so clever at the outset. Take, for example, the idea of paying for things with fake stacks of dimes. Now, it should be noted that, at least in this case, the stacks were actually stacks of pennies, sandwiched between two shiny ten-cent pieces. And the total "purchase" was right around $21.

Being who we are, you just have to know that the story didn't end there. Of course not. After all, this incident happened in 1990, and if it had ended there, we'd barely even know about it. But when the man suspected of using the false stacks got arrested recently for disorderly conduct and had his earlier offense returned to the light, it started picking up coverage. When we found out the original bond that the man had been asked to pay, we just had to grab it.

After all, who would've known that the price for buying $21 worth of stuff with mostly pennies (that the clerk thought were dimes) was a $1M bond? Certainly not us.

Now some of you are probably thinking what we're thinking. Maybe, with the way the economy has been looking as of late, the number can be justified somewhat through inflation. Oh, no, gentle reader. That $1M to keep the man out of jail? That was what was imposed at the time of the original crime. Apparently, in 1990, $21 was worth $1M.

We're just thankful that the guy wasn't trying to get pants back from a dry cleaner, otherwise who knows how high his bail would have been?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 24, 2008

Well, folks, here we are, about to bid a fond farewell to the month of March. Of course, before we can do that, we have to make it through another few days full of chances for rain or snow (oh, who are we kidding? It will snow) before we can enter fully into April. And, of course, the theme for this April could very easily be "more of the same". It's certainly looking that way for the Race to the White House. Which is why we're here, trying to shake things up a bit with our awards. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Ogg is ROFLMAO. Now Ogg Smash Award
For the longest time, people have held onto the belief that Neanderthals were incapable of speaking. Well, those people may have to come to a realization. Turns out, according to archaeological research, not only could Neanderthals speak, but they were actually fairly chatty, and even showed a penchant for body decoration. Of course, none of this means that they speak in the same way as modern humans in the slightest. And, suddenly, there's an explanation for Perez Hilton and "leet speak".

Fast as Lightning Award
Often, when planning on committing a crime, it's important to find out who (or what) your victim will be. Take, for example, the case of a trio of people who attempted to mug a man in Florida. Thinking they had an unsuspecting victim on their hands, they pulled a gun, only to find themselves face-to-face with a tae kwon do expert. The robbery was averted when one of the assailants was kicked in the face, and the other two ran. The intended victim was later spotted running up ladders, over tables, and fighting a gang of masked criminals, who all decided to approach one at a time.

Go About Your Business Award
Apparently, if you're operating a strip club in Texas, there is a specific list of things that can get you closed down, at least for a while. While it seems odd that there would be a list, it seems even more strange that allowing a 12-year-old to strip at your club is missing from said list. The authorities are looking into whether anyone in management knew that the girl was 12. We're not certain, but stripping to "Hannah Montana" might have been a clue.

Defending the Border Award
Recent news reaches us that, soon, there will be 2000+ troops patrolling the US-Mexico border. This is great news, because GDub has been pushing for a border patrol for-- what? Oh, the troops are Mexico's troops? Works just as well. We fully expect that, in a few week's time, that troop of 1000 soldiers will do their jobs well. And, in another month, we hope that the 500 remaining get reinforcements.

Best Field Trip Ever Award
A group of Essex students is getting ready to embark on a trip to Amsterdam. During that trip, they will be learning about Anne Frank, getting information on how the Dutch handle discipline, and possibly even checking out the harbor. Oh, and there's a planned visit to the red light district. Shockingly, taxpayers who are, in part, funding this trip, are expressing some anger. If only there was a place that they could go to maybe, we don't know, mellow out or something, man.

I'm Loving It Award
How do four teenagers get arrested in a Yonkers McDonald's? Well, if you guessed "dance in their underwear, and then beat up the manager that asks them to stop", you win a Happy Meal prize. Or the satisfaction of getting the question right. It's definitely better than getting beat up by someone wearing their underwear.

Set Your Clocks Award
The WWF is sponsoring a global event that might raise a little awareness. A number of cities across the planet are celebrating an "Earth Hour" by turning out lights at 8:00pm. Individuals are being encouraged to participate as well. The last time that the WWF was part of a massive "lights-out" campaign like this, The Undertaker went on to win the heavyweight title.

They Like Us Award
For a while, now, there has been a perceived divide between the Mainstream Media (MSM) and the blogosphere (blogosphere). There have been accusations that the blogosphere is only able to exist by lifting stories already found by the MSM. As it turns out, members of the MSM turn to the blogosphere more often than people would have liked to admit. Finally, another explanation for Perez Hilton.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week to usher in April. In the meantime, we'll be working on keeping ourselves dry with the impending chance for rain (again, who are we kidding, it'll be snow). Stay safe out there.

The art of self-defense

Ah, insurance companies. For many people, it seems as though they exist to charge a monthly (or at least annual) fee, all in the hopes of not actually needing to give any of that money back to help out the people covered. Sure, having insurance can lead to lower costs, some people argue, but why do I need it when I never use it?

Some people just don't get it. After all, the insurance industry isn't simply out to take fees from people and then decide through their own complicated ways who receives compensation for something they might cover. Oh, no. They also give out helpful advice. Look at the health insurance industry that encourages people to work out. How about the auto insurance industry, which recommends safe driving? And don't forget about the home insurance industry, which practically punishes you if you live in a more dangerous part of town.

And don't think that such advice is found solely within the United States. Why, just recently, an insurance company in China refused to compensate a man after having received dog bites. The reason why? "If (he) had learned a martial art like karate (he) would have avoided the problem."

Well now, that just makes a lot of sense, really. After all, when people are training in the ancient (and spiritual) martial arts, they're obviously planning on needing to use said training in case of angry animals. Sure, they may practice on other people (and the occasional blocks of wood and/or bricks), but that doesn't mean that they aren't preparing to handle a four-legged foe.

At this point, we half-expect to find out that this Chinese company also has an answer for people injured in car accidents. "If you had learned how to drive a car made entirely of rubber, you would have avoided the problem." And, with the right bounce, you could avoid most of traffic, as well.

Timing is key

So many things in our day-to-day lives come down to good timing. Whether it be avoiding a traffic jam on the way to work, or just happening to get to the microwave before someone else reheats salmon, timing is crucial. When timing is thrown off for one reason or another, the results can be dangerous. For further proof of this, just look back the Super Bowl, and think of New England.

Another example of the timing not quite working can be found in the story of a Georgia-Pacific, Corp. tissue mill. After all, the building recently caught fire, forcing firefighters to spend three hours putting out the blaze. Why do we say that the timing was off?

The building is scheduled for demolition.

On the outside, this may actually have seen like a cosmic joining of purposes. After all, if the building has to come down anyway, why not let fire take it out. Doing so could certainly save on costs, even if it wouldn't carry the excitement of an implosion. But remember that, once a building is properly prepared to be demolished, people are all clear of it. Sure, someone has to set the charges, but they should be safe before the button is pushed. Not so in the case of a fire. And really, in cases like this, the human cost does have to be weighed.

On the plus side, the three-hour fire has probably weakened the structure considerably, which should make the demolition easier. And, with the chance of some workers remaining home due to smoke inhalation, we could even argue that there's a smaller risk for injury. Even so, we almost wonder if the Georgia-Pacific people were cursing their luck, wishing that the fire could have come a month or so later.

But hey, it could be worse. They could have tried to steal a car within view of a police-reporter interview. Or they could be trying to stop a program to phase out incandescent light bulbs.

So, you know, they can't hang their heads too much.

People are losing

Alright, so anyone that considers themselves to be a regular reader is probably not shocked by the title for today. After all, we tend to spotlight some of the worst representations of our society, and, when we're not talking about politicians, we focus on just your run of the mill genius in moron's clothing.

But today is slightly different. Today, mankind is beaten in both of our stories. Ostensibly, members of our species are being beaten by themselves, and their own foolishness. But we've read the stories. We know the truth. In both examples, man is beaten by an outside force. First gophers, and then his own shadow.

Oh, what halcyon days these truly are for Man. When trying to assert our authority over the animal realm (or, over the creation of a light being cast upon us), we have people walking amongst us that have proven they can fail. And fail spectacularly.

Take the gopher story, for instance. A pair of men, trying to keep the animals from tearing up more of their land, used a device that floods the animals dens with propane and fire. So, naturally, when a hole is found that isn't quite deep enough, common sense would dictate perhaps not using the tool. But not these two stalwart protectors. They decided to continue trying to blast out the smaller animals, and ended up causing almost $200,000 in damages with their uncontained fire. Oh, and nevermind that burning ban in the area they decided to use "The Rodenator".

And that, really, should have been the tipping point right there, people. They were using a device called "The Rodenator". We half expect it to have the words, "I'll be back" scrawled in squirrel on its side. It's like a Baconator, only without the fun of having bacon. Not even Bill Murray had this much bad luck with a furry trespasser.

But before you herald these two for their "accomplishments", we do need to point out our second story. Sure, burning down a bunch of prairie to try and eliminate a couple of gophers is one thing. Getting your condominiums to completely evacuate because of shots fired is another. Especially when the shots are being fired at a shadow.

The people involved in this shooting claimed that they were shot at first. You know, by shadow bullets. It's a good thing that there wasn't a giant shadow butterfly (or worse, a shadow Doberman) nearby, otherwise who knows what else these two might have done. And imagine the carnage if they'd been using blinking Christmas lights. Although it does prove the need for good, all-around track lighting.

Ah yes, folks. That smell you're sniffing right now? That's the smell of millions of brain cells trying to rub together, hoping to create that one little spark that would be enough to keep their host from doing something foolish. And that other smell? That's those same brain cells dying everytime that someone shoots their shadow.

Or, you know, makes claims about a trip to Bosnia.

Maybe it was just practice

It is fairly common for people to take their work home with them. After all, at the end of the day, there is usually plenty of work leftover on the desk, and, in order to have something approximating a clean start for the next day, many people take a few pieces to work on in their private time. Not that they couldn't use the break from work; they just tend to choose to continue to focus their energies on similar tasks to what they spent 8+ hours per day doing.

Naturally, some professions are better suited to the concept of taking your work home. After all, designers, IT consultants, musicians, plumbers, and protesters can all get something job-related accomplished while sitting on their own couch. Emergency personnel can hope that they won't need their work experiences in the home setting, but, well, sometimes things happen.

And sometimes, things are caused to happen. Such is the case of a firefighter who was fired after she lit her father's house on fire. Now, she's petitioning to get her job back, and she's got lawyers using the buzz-word of the day.

"Constitutional rights".

That's right, folks. The firefighter's lawyer is claiming that being fired violated her constitutional rights, and that they didn't have evidence to uphold the firing. Never mind that she admitted to setting the blaze. And definitely never mind that, if someone's job is putting out fires, the last thing they should be doing in their free time is setting new ones. Least of all for a suicide attempt.

The scary thing is that she just might win this case, and be allowed to go back to work. Sure, she's the first female firefighter (selling sea shells by the sea shore) in the history of Erie, PA. True, there were no charges filed. But still, if she admitted to lighting a fire, that would seem to disqualify her from the position of "firefighter". After all, policemen are generally arrested if they commit crimes, doctors can get sued (and fired) over people getting sick, and politicians are ousted if they're found to tell the truth too frequently. Why shouldn't a firefighter who does something the exact opposite of their job description be allowed to continue?

And where on earth does it give any sort of rights about lighting fires in the Constitution? Did we miss that somewhere in the 2nd Amendment? Is it truly the right to bear arms and become an arsonist? Or are they going to try and get some sort of freedom of speech argument going here?

It could only have been worse if she'd also borrowed the hook-and-ladder truck for daring raids, a la Animal House. Of course, then it would also have been hilarious.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 17, 2008

Hello again, everyone, and welcome back for another round of awards. What a week this has been, opening up with green beer and closing out with a white-out (at least, in the Upper Midwest). That's right. Even though spring has ostensibly arrived, we're looking out our windows at a snowstorm. Just like the Easters of old. Anyway, let's move on to the awards, shall we?

Heck, No, We Won't Go Award
Madison Square Garden. A venerable establishment, full of history and thrilling performances. And, apparently, homophobic crowd cheers. Especially during hockey season. Of course, the least welcoming thing about going to MSG for a hockey game? Knowing that you'll have to watch the New York Rangers play.

But She Seemed So Sane Award
By now, everyone has heard about Heather Mills, and her windfall of a few million dollars for having married the correct Beatle. Many have probably heard about her anger towards Sir Paul the Walrus, for his willingness to fly first class while daughter Beatrice sits in coach. So, when Heather turned the other leg and did what she accused the Walrus of doing? Hmm.... And we were pretty sure that she couldn't be more two-faced if her name was Harvey Dent.

Follow the Flow Award
Remember last week when we mentioned the woman stuck to the toilet? Turns out that it all may end up hurting her boyfriend, too. He is charged with mistreatment of a dependant adult. Well, obviously, if she had truly been Depend-ant, she wouldn't have been stuck to the toilet in the first place. But that other issues to light, and, well, we're just going to back away slowly and give a courtesy flush.

Awfully White of Them Award
Alright, who didn't see this one coming? It turns out that the least politically correct phrase from this past year was *drum roll please* the one uttered by Don Imus. Yes, the one that cost him his job. The one where "nappy" wasn't a cutesy way of describing a mid-afternoon activity. And, of course, by recognizing it, we're now all forced to spend at least another week being reminded of its existence. Besides, it's not like Imus has any right to call anyone else "nappy-headed". Okay, maybe Phil Spector. But that's it.

Jesus Brings Us Eggs Award
We still don't really understand the connection between eggs and crucifixion, but maybe everything will be made clearer by this story about the dangers behind decorating and hiding eggs. Wait! That's it! They're both hazardous to our health! Our thank goodness that got cleared up. Now back to waiting for the zombie apocalypse. Or is that bad, too?

No Further Questions Award
When is a sexual assault suspect not able to stand trial? When he's been dead for a month. The suspect, 91, had been previously convicted of sexual assault, and a trial for a new case was just beginning to get started. And yes, we do believe that a Viagra joke writes itself on this one.

Worst Getaway Vehicle Ever Award
All right. We've all heard the stereotypes about cops. No, not the handlebar mustache thing. The donut thing. Even if it is just a joke, what would make some guys think that stealing a donut van would be a good idea? In a sweet conclusion, the bakery donated the donuts to the officers who helped recover the van. In the meantime, their new "Time to Steal the Donuts" ad campaign is being reanalyzed.

First Sign of the Apocalypse Award
We all know that FOXNews has a very definite political slant. Any network that allows Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter both to have regular airtime should admit to their leanings. Which is why we're so shocked to hear about FOXNews anchors upset over Obama-bashing. Is this a fox in sheep's clothing, or an attempt to get in good while they still can? Only time (and plenty of exposes about how sexy is too sexy) will tell.

And, knowing that the world has taken one step closer to ending, we'll wrap up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, with more springlike weather (we hope). Stay safe out there.

Really addicted to "Lost"

Some people viewed the Writer's Strike as a dark day (or series of days) in their television viewing. Not only were they not going to get much in the way of new scripted content, but there was a fair chance that repeats would be in low circulation. And don't even get us started on the glut of reality TV that flooded the airwaves.

And yet, when you compare it to what a Pennsylvania family went through a few years back, suddenly it doesn't seem like a big deal that you couldn't catch a new episode of "Numb3rs" at it's regularly scheduled time. After all, there probably weren't a lot of people who were shot for turning the television off. In fact, with the recent programming, leaving the set off might have resulted in spontaneous applause, purchases of dinner, and promises of a good back rub.

So, largely because we've never even come close to reaching that level of dedication to an inanimate object (although we do harbor sweet feelings towards our coffee maker), we have to wonder what exactly could have spurred such an action. Obviously, there were previously existing conditions, but we can't examine those. Okay, we probably could, but that might take a little more time than we've got, and we'd definitely have to be away from our coffee maker.

What could have lead to this turn of events? Was the husband trying to watch an exciting finish in the Big Brother house? Was there a lot of excitement built up over a special guest appearance on "According to Jim"? Was he finally going to learn from the "Mythbusters" about lighting farts on fire? Perhaps some crazy combination of all three?

Maybe, just maybe, the man was so attached to television that he was trying to reenact some of his favorite shows from the past. Obviously, though, he forgot that he was neither a cartoon, nor in front of a live studio audience.

You can't be serious

Well, it's the Holy Week, at least for Christianity. That's why there were two St. Patrick's Days over this past weekend, and why, we assume, we see a story like the one we're looking at today. And, well, we normally have science to thank for these types of articles, but science and the church don't always get along that great. So looks like today's thanks go out to the big G, and all their followers here on the terrestrial plane.

Okay, so the warning didn't come from the church. After all, they don't really approve of people reenacting pieces of the Passion during this week (or, really, any time). And yet, if it wasn't for the church, we probably wouldn't see people flogging themselves, or others willing to get crucified to show their dedication and religious fervor. And, without those events, we certainly wouldn't have heard health officials in the Philippines point out the inherent health risks involved in those activities.

That's right, folks. For those of you who are just catching up to the subject of life, we got to learn today that being crucified could be hazardous to your health. Whew. Thank heavens that someone put that out there. We were fairly certain that whipping the flesh from your back was a good thing, and we thought that pounding nails into your skin was just a harmless way to pass an afternoon. Guess we can now put those things up there with bathing in acid and eating at McDonald's.

Of course, this will not deter people from reenacting the Passion to atone for their own sins, but, hopefully, it will lead to people being a bit safer about the whole thing. After all, the last thing that we'd want to see is someone getting hurt because of all of this self-mutilation.

For our part, we'll perform our own penance by eating Taco Bell. Seems just about as dangerous.

A price for everything

Today, we learned of a man looking to make a fresh start. Completely. In light of a recent divorce, he's decided that he wants to start over. To help facilitate this, he's putting his entire life up for sale on eBay.

For those of you that are wondering, according to the article, yes, this is the man's entire life. His friends, his job, his house, his random kitchy decorations. The estimated value of the auction is a little shy of $400,000.

On one hand, this will definitely help the man get a fresh start. He'll be beginning his new life (admittedly a good 40-some years after most people do) with nothing but the skin on his back and the smile he can muster. On the other hand, selling everything for that price does beg the question of what the exact value of the individual things are. For instance, with many houses selling for at least a quarter of the total "value", we have to start making assumptions about the man's job and, more harshly, the man's friends.

Of course, it's entirely possible that the friends were the ones who (either directly or indirectly) led to the divorce in the first place. That might explain why the price isn't higher.

The ultimate question, though, is not whether a person can put a price on the things that they have surrounded themselves with for a good portion of their life. That question has already been answered, and the going rate is $400K. The real question is what if nobody thinks that your life isn't worth what you claim it is?

Fresh on the heels of a divorce, that question could lead to a spiral of drug abuse, crime, or voluntarily watching a Hannah Montana marathon. And nobody wants that.

No good deed

Welcome to St. Patrick's Day. We could spend today talking about stories of green beer, or excessive drinking, or any number of other SP-related news. But, well, we figure that everyone out there already has better stories than any we could find. So, instead, we're going to talk about doing good deeds.

Take, for example, the good deed of keeping a bus full of elementary school children safe after the driver hits their head and loses control. That's exactly what a 15-year-old girl did, after she realized that she wasn't feeling well, and, instead of getting off her bus at the school, decided to stay on board while the bus completed its route, waiting to be dropped off back at home. And the reward for the girl who may have saved the lives of a group of children?

How about detention?

That's right. After becoming a hero, the girl found herself in trouble with school officials. Sure, she saved a bunch of elementary school kids, but did she think about how she was violating school policy on being sick from school? After all, she certainly didn't follow the rules that they'd put down for such things. If only she'd had the presence of mind to alert the officials in the proper way.

Seriously, though, it seems like certain actions should result in a school turning a blind eye to a relatively minor offense. Sure, she was sick from school that day. And sure, she didn't alert them properly. But, come on people. She was willing (and able) to stop a more serious accident from happening. Isn't that worth maybe missing a day? At the very least, can we see into making sure that she doesn't have to take any pop quizzes anytime soon?

Of course, it could be worse. She could be a paramedic that sues the people they've been called to help.

Just gives you a warm feeling, doesn't it?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 10, 2008

Good afternoon. We hope that everyone has been enjoying the past week, and we especially hope that you've taken advantage of Pi Day. If nothing else, go around in circles for a little while, and consider it a good start. Speaking of circles, let's get our awards started, shall we? We'll even pretend that the winners will receive little round medals.

Sounds Like a Politician Award
Hillary Clinton has been touting her experience on the campaign trail. Now, a former counsel for Bill Clinton is saying that her experience isn't quite what she's built it up to be. He even went so far as to say that her statements are "misleading". Tough words, there. Naturally, we're shocked that any politician would ever twist words to their own advantage. It just seems outside of the realm of the ordinary. Speaking of which...

Fabio in Fatigues Award
Our president, the Great Decider, GDub, the man who declared "Mission Accomplished" a few years early, is showcasing his own talent for words. In recent statements regarding Afghanistan, GDub stated he was "a little envious" of troops serving there, calling the mission "romantic". It was later learned that the President is envious of the troops in the same way that VPCheney is envious of those with hearts and circulatory systems; neither one truly understands what the party they envy is experiencing.

When You've Gotta Go Award
How many times have you found yourself sitting on the toilet for a bit longer than you expected, possibly due to the fatal combination of Taco Johns for lunch and Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs for dinner? How many times have you wished for a good book, to try to take your mind off of things? How often have you pondered what it would be like to sit there for two years? Never on that last one, huh? Well, that puts you a leg up on a Kansas woman, who simply didn't want to leave the restroom. When she finally agreed to leave (at the request of authorities who had been called because "something was wrong"), it was discovered that her skin had actually fused to the seat. And yes, she's bound to become the butt of jokes for at least a few months.

Up, Up, and Oh Crap Award
It seems like people are always trying to find new ways to propose marriage to their loved ones. From hiring a mariachi band to getting plastered on the JumboTron at your favorite sporting event to dropping the ring in a glass of champagne, there are a multitude of different ways to go about asking. One way that might get discouraged in the future is placing the ring inside of a helium balloon. Why do we say discouraged? Ask the guy who watched his ring float away. The man's parents are also now planning on tying the ribbon for the next balloon around the man's wrist, and threatening to not get him any more if he loses this one, too.

Hard-Hitting News Award
There have been plenty of stories about New York Governor Spitzer (or "Client 9") and his alleged mistress. Leave it to CNN to uncover one of the juiciest stories. That's right, the 24-hour cable news network found out that the escort has *gasp* changed her MySpace and Facebook profiles. Because that's never been done by anyone who suddenly achieved fame, either through good or bad means. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer's beard keeps sending us "friend requests", but we just don't know it all that well. That, and we're disturbed by the party pictures.

It's a Small World Award
The theme song for the title of our award will hopefully not hold too much meaning for people, if Disney follows through with a potential plan. The theme-park giant is apparently considering creating an adult-oriented park, just north of Animal Kingdom. Let's just say that we're already a little worried about a possible "Sword in the Stone" ride.

Banks, Barns, What's the Difference? Award
Some people have a severe distrust of financial institutions, deciding to stash their money somewhere within their house. In return for a lack of interest, they get a much quicker access to their funds. An Ethiopian farmer recently learned that, if given the choice between his mattress and a haystack, maybe he should use the mattress. After all, it's less likely that his money would get eaten by rats while there. Interestingly enough, the farmer had originally put his money in the haystack to protect it in case his house ever caught fire. You know, because hay isn't flammable.

Live and Let Die Award
A bar in Milford, MA was recently turned down in their pursuit of an adult entertainment license. The reason being? The bar is too close to a residential area. Specifically, the bar is too close to the "residential" cemetery. Look, if your cemetery is also a residential area, either you've got an overabundance of goths, or you're looking at a zombie problem. Either way, maybe a few strippers isn't so bad.

Well, with that talk of strippers, we're wrapping things up for the week. We hope that you have a good weekend, enjoying the warmer temperatures and the flowing green beer (seriously, though, stay away from the green beer and drink something it's natural color), and we'll see you on Tuesday. Sure, we MIGHT get back for Monday, but, thanks to the church, we get to celebrate St. Patrick's Day twice. Stay safe out there!

I fought the law

Long-time regular readers will remember the trial of the pants. After all, the story was good enough, and it popped up frequently enough, that we got to make it something of a running joke here for awhile. While we're certain that we still haven't found a story to quite take the place of the multimillion dollar pants, we're thinking that the $600,000 grape is definitely worthwhile.

And yes, you read that correctly. A lone grape, skin and all, squished into the shoes of a lawyer, and worth $600,000 (give or take). But, before that lawyer came along, the grape was practically worthless, especially given its later value. How did it rise to such inflated heights?

It caused the lawyer to slip, injure himself, and sue Marks & Spencer. After all, the grape had been theirs to begin with. The high price tag came specifically due to the lawyer tearing a quadricep and suffering "adverse psychological effects", damaging not only his business, but his tennis game.

Wait. "Adverse psychological effects"? Did the lawyer suddenly start freaking out at every Fruit of the Loom commercial with the guy in the grape suit? Did he sob uncontrollably at a grape stomp? Was he unable to watch reruns of "Grape Ape"? Or did he start collecting grapes, merely to skin them in some sort of a diabolical, and yet entirely bizarre, revenge scheme?

With reactions like that, it's no wonder that the lawyer couldn't keep his practice running at the same high levels. And, really, it's no wonder that he lost the case, and had to pay the nearly $40,000 court fees.

Let's hope for better luck for the student suing his teacher for waking him up. At least there are no grapes involved.

Gearing up for the holiday

You can tell that people are gearing up for St. Patrick's Day. Large quantities of green clothing are being thrown into the wash, and people are preparing their stomachs for the combination of corned beef, cabbage, and green beer. That, and the bizarre factor is definitely kicking up with regards to drinking stories.

Take, for example, the woman that decided that she was too drunk, and therefore needed to get a designated driver. A good decision on her part, to start with. However, her driver was also a bit intoxicated. The real problem? The DD was the woman's 14-year-old daughter.

After all, nothing says love quite like drinking between parents and children. Especially when those children are far too young to drink legally. Of course, the daughter repaid that love by overturning the car and injuring both herself and her mother.

Then, of course, comes the story about the Austin Park Police officer who resigned after being found guilty of drinking on the job. What tipped off his supervisors? How about the fact that a homeless person noticed the smell of alcohol? When the portion of society stereotypically known for panhandling to get enough change to buy a bottle of Christian Brothers brandy calls you out for your drinking, you may have a bit of a problem.

So what do we learn from these stories, especially in preparation for this upcoming weekend? Well, we learn to hide our drinking from the homeless. That's fairly key. At the very least, they could get jealous of the ability to freely purchase alcohol, and it could result in losing your job. The other lesson?

Please, don't let your kids drink and drive. Not until they're at least old enough to get a license of their own.

Note: Neither of these rules apply if your last name is "Spears".

Just sit right back

Alright, so this might be an old story to some of the folks out there, but, well, we just found out about it. Probably because it had to do with a little-known individual. After all, nobody ever watched Gilligan's Island, so there's no chance that anyone should be familiar with the actress that played Mary Ann.

Wait. You're familiar with this person? Really? Well, were you aware of what she did back in October, 2007? You know, with the marijuana and all?

You were? Hmm, and you know about the six-month unsupervised probation, too. Well, smarty, if you knew all these things, were you surprised? Because, while we may have been out of the loop on this one, we weren't shocked, really.

Look at it this way. The woman is known for one role. Admittedly, that's more than a lot of people ever get known for, but she had to have hopes and dreams that would make her more than just Mary Ann to the world. And yet, when she was forced to reprise the role on 1980's sitcoms (and sell her original costume), you have to wonder. When you see that half of her GI cast members have gone to the great Minnow in the sky for the obligatory three millennium tour, you should stop being shocked that, at 69, she's willing to engage in the kind of dangerous and potentially habit-forming activities found only amongst those ranging from 13-97 in age (and we know that not all those kids have glaucoma).

So, while this story may be old, it's certainly new to us, and there's plenty for the whole family to enjoy. Besides, it was a nice break from all the "Spitzer? I barely paid her" stories swimming around out there.

Surprised? Not us

What's the first thing you think of when you hear about a 50-year-old man hiring an escort to "have fun"? If you're anything like us, the thought was "ew" (and yes, we'll have that thought when we're 50 ourselves). Now, what if the man didn't have a much needed tool, and the escort volunteered to get some from her car? Anyone who didn't think she'd take the money and leave, well, you haven't been reading enough of our articles.

But that's not where the story ends. After all, if that was all that had happened, we wouldn't know about it, would we. That's where we learn that the man, after making a number of phone calls to the escort herself, decided to inform a local newspaper and the police about what had happened.

So let's get this right. You order an escort to, um, help you with a little something. She arrives, but you forgot to pick up raincoats for your pal. She takes your money, and then offers to go to her car for the condoms. After the shame of paying an escort and having her basically rob you (after all, she got your money, but you didn't get any service), you only compound your error by letting others know? And you do it because you're worried that she might be doing this to other customers? While it's definitely an honorable position to take (looking out for your fellow sex-deprived man), we're not so sure it's the brightest position to take. After all, by informing the police, you admit to your own plans to break the law. True, you didn't actually commit the deed, but you were definitely a couple of steps beyond the simple planning stage for the crime.

Of course, it could all be worse. Your prostitution ties could surface while you're a governor.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 3, 2008

Friday has once again come around the corner and jumped out at us with its fright mask. Of course, Friday wasn't the only thing that's been lurking around here at the beginning of March, as it seems like winter wants to remain for awhile, too. One thing that is gone, of course, is the football career of a Mississippi boy. But we're not a sports blog, so we're going to move onto our awards.

Public Opinion Award
Some polls are done to confirm exactly what people already thought. Some polls are done to completely contradict everything we've ever known. Polls about the media tend to fall into that first category, like the recent poll showing that fewer than half of all Americans trust the media. Interestingly, radio gets more trust than all other sources of news. And yet, this is the same country that trusts FOX to find it the next greatest pop star ever. Who knew?

Would That Be a Birdie, Then? Award
You'd think that, after all the outcry about the footage of the Marine and the puppy, people would be a little more careful around animals and cameras. Apparently, that just doesn't hold true when you're a golfer trying to film an educational video, and a hawk is making noise nearby. The golfer could find himself behind bars for his attack via 9-iron. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods would have simply bounced the ball onto the bird's back, watched as it flew towards the pin, and then connected with it telepathically, causing it to drop the ball into the hole. Or something. Golf claps abound.

Need to See How She Handles Award
When is a test drive more like grand theft auto (the crime, not the video game)? When you take the car on a 2,000 mile trip. The man, who topped the old record for longest test drive by six times, was eventually pulled over after he failed to pay for gas. Burt Reynolds and the rest of the Cannonball Runners were nowhere to be seen, having already sped along to the next checkpoint.

Silly Red Sox. Steroids are For Kids Award
New Jersey lawmakers are tired of seeing overly successful child athletes. To help combat this, they are looking to pass a law encouraging steroid testing for children as young as twelve. Other things that they're doing to keep child athletes from taking the Bonds Road to Celebrity? Encouraging them to ice skate, and forcing them to live in New Jersey.

Counting the Minutes Award
New research puts to bed some of the misconceptions about just what exactly the duration for intercourse is. Apparently, according to sex experts, the best sex takes between 7 and 13 minutes. Men everywhere have been seen celebrating, knowing now that they only need to change the clocks five minutes ahead, instead of the previously believed 20.

I Is a Gradjuit Award
We thought we'd heard it all. And then we learned that we were so very far from the truth. What clued us in? How about the fact that a student sued the school board because they allowed him to graduate, despite his third-grade reading level. The student, who was enrolled in an individualized plan, graduated, something his attorney thinks should never have happened. Someone needs to let this kid know about all of the celebrities with the same reading level. And no, we're not talking about Paris or Britney. They never made it past first-grade level...

F & A, Man, F & A Award
Looking for a place to raise the kids, and keep them away from bad language? Well, you could turn off the cable television, but that's not going to stop the little ones from hearing Old Man "Blue Streak" McCurdy screaming at his flowers. Instead, why not move to South Pasadena, where you can rest easy knowing that, at least for one week out of the year, they are a "cuss-free" zone. The remaining 51 weeks, the residents sounds like sailors on leave, so maybe it's not the best idea, after all. All we can really say? Good f'ing luck.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, ramping up things in anticipation of St. Patrick's Day (which gets to be celebrated twice, thanks to the Church). We'll see you then, swimming in green liquid. And we don't just mean the Mississippi. Stay safe out there.

A punishment worse than death

So we were going to write a story about men doing housework. Specifically, how the notion of men doing housework generally leads to them getting more sex. After all, we have something of a vested interest in a story like that.

But, in our dedication to bring some of the strangest news to you, our readers, and, while bringing said news, trying to fill it with a little levity, we instead need to relate a story from France. It's a short story, all about a mayor, and his overflowing cemetery.

Outside of the village of Sarpourenx, there is a cemetery. This cemetery has been around for quite some time, and, as such, has reached more than its capacity. Now, if you were the mayor of this village, what would you do? Would you perhaps try to take a new piece of the countryside to expand your burial grounds?

Or would you tell the residents of your village that they aren't allowed to die? Even more to the point, if they do die, would you then punish them severely?

Admittedly, the mayor of this town did try to expand the cemetery, but he was denied the ability. Faced with little choice, he took the measure that he did, hoping for some sort of positive outcome. And, well, obviously, when you ban your citizens from dying, the only possible positive outcome is that they will all suddenly become immortal. After all, they wouldn't want to get fined for receiving termination from the job called "living".

And it's not even that nobody can die in the town. It's that those people who don't already HAVE a plot are not allowed to die. If you had purchased a plot, then by all means, shuffle away. If you hadn't, however, get ready to strap on a sword and fight other immortals. After all, there can be only one.

Through this whole thing, we admittedly find ourselves curious. What sort of punishment could possibly be worse than dying?

Wait. We've got it. The dead are forced to spend eternity watching "Hannah Montana", without kids of their own to justify it, all while sitting next to Parisite. And all of the singing will be done by Milli Vanilli. And we don't mean the studio performers, either.

Jump through the hoops

The Race for the Presidency (or, as we like to call it, Who's Bossing Who Now?) is heating up, especially after yesterday's results. HC was able to stave off the Obamanation for another few contests at least, setting the stage for a long, slow, and potentially painful nomination process. If things continue along these lines, there will barely be any time for the Democrats to run nationwide attack ads against the GOP nominee. By the same token, John "I Ate Grass and Fingernails" McCain, (henceforth referred to as Grampa MC) can't really start launching his own attacks against the donkeys, because, well, he can't be certain which one will come out ahead.

But Grampa MC did have something big happen in the last two days. Actually, two big things. First, Huckabee-the-Halfabee dropped from the campaign, a sign that even the man created by Stephen Colbert (who was created by Conan O'Brien, who was created by Jon Stewart, who was created by... um... well... Dave Chapelle and Jim Brewer?) can bow to the reality that he'd already lost, and it was no longer purposeful to keep chasing the brass ring. As for the second glowing moment?

He finally got the endorsement he'd been looking for. No, not Depends. We have no proof that he's incontinent. The endorsement he got came from GDub himself.

Whew. That was a close one. For awhile there, we really were wondering who the Decider might choose to back. Would it be the surprise comeback effort of Romney (who, admittedly, didn't even try to stage a comeback)? Would it be Ron Paul (beloved for his wacky belief that he actually had a shot)? Would the President just flip a coin, and end up endorsing the Lincoln Memorial?

No. GDub, not wanting to make the same mistake as Mother Superior (for reference, look up the lyrics to "Happiness is a Warm Gun"... you'll be glad you did), simply decided to wait until it was clear that he was picking the best horse to run the race. In fact, he waited until he picked the only horse still in the race that actually had a chance of finishing. And, as long as that race is for the GOP nomination, we're pretty certain that Grampa MC will be able to finish.

People have said in the past that the President has been too quick to make decisions, and that he hasn't looked at all of the important information before voicing his beliefs on a subject. Never let it be said that he was anything less than prudent in the Great White House Race 2008. He waited until the dust had settled, and picked the candidate that he felt the best about.

He picked the only one left.

Way to go, GDub. That's kind of like picking the Giants to beat the Patriots in the Superbowl, but doing it two weeks after the fact.

Keeping abreast of the trial

There are plenty of reasons to overturn a guilty verdict. Most often, new evidence comes to light, thereby exonerating the defendant. Every once in awhile, someone else will come forward and admit to the crime. And, of course, there's always the chance that the verdict can be changed due to faulty management of the case.

But how often do you hear about someone having their conviction overturned based off of the evidence that was available at the time? Even more to the point, how often does it revolve around the body of the defendant?

That's exactly what happened to a Japanese model, who was convicted a year ago of property damage related to a break-in at a man's apartment. The man claimed that she broke in and caused the destruction because he was with another woman. The defense claimed then, and reasserted their claim after a year, that there was no way possible for the model to have committed the crime.

After all, her breasts wouldn't have fit through the hole.

It may have taken a year, but the verdict was finally overturned, when actual measurements were taken, and it was proven that the woman would not have been able to fit her 44-inch bust through the opening provided. The bikini model stated that she used to hate her body, but has found not only career success, but now has found an exoneration all because of her proportions.

The model was quoted after the case as saying, "The judges were very good-mannered as they showed no expressions on their faces. I guess they're well-trained." It's entirely possible that the judges were also busy thinking about anime, the only other place in Japan where one can regularly see women of those proportions (and beyond).

This story just goes to show that, while it can often be troubling to stick out amongst your peers, sometimes having a little extra can go a long way to getting you off.

Either way, we're fairly certain that this model has gained more than a handful of supporters and fans since the trial. We wonder if she'll milk it for all it's worth.

Putting kids in the corner

Ah, the birthday party. Especially at a young age, the birthday party is something of a right of passage. After all, it's not only proving that you are mature enough to have guests, but also showcasing your own popularity by displaying exactly how many people like you well enough to venture into a ball pit with you. Especially during our youths, we try to portray ourselves as being slightly older, and wanting to participate in activities that make us seem more mature. The older we physically get, the more we want to recapture the lost youth that we once had. This is exactly why places like Chuck E. Cheese can be seen as venues for birthdays for both young and old alike.

Of course, it's never a good sign when the kids at the arcade are the more adult members of a birthday party. It's an even worse sign when a fight breaks out, between two mothers, all over a basketball arcade game.

During the middle of the birthday party, the kids were playing, as children are prone to doing. A 9-year-old wanted to play the same game that a 13-year-old was playing, got tired of waiting for his turn, and made some comments. The mothers, having their own "conversation" at this time, saw words spill over into punches, with the older boy's mother hitting the younger boy's mother in the side of the head.

See, this is exactly why people need to be more careful. Sure, animatronic rodents playing "music" can be fun for the whole family to enjoy, but those same rodents can stoke a fire of hatred within the bellies of those who are unprepared to face their beady metallic eyes. Add to that the bleeping of video games, the bright lights, and the fact that every parent seems to truly believe that their child is far more deserving (and less likely to do something wrong) than another person's child, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Coincidentally, that recipe for disaster also generally includes pepperoni. As a police officer said, "I don't even know if they finished their pizza." Were that only the case, officer. Those fists were thrown with Chuck's full gastric assault already in hand.

Could have been worse, though. One of them could have had a spork.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 25, 2008

Welcome to Leap Day across this great calendar of ours. Obviously, this day doesn't really exist, or, at least, it doesn't most years, so we're going to dive right in, just in case something weird happens along the way.

Honest Dishonesty Award
In a shocking turn of events, it appears that the upcoming Russian election may be rigged by the Kremlin. We say shocking, because they aren't really denying that they're doing it. Ralph Nader has already prepared his "I didn't cost anyone this election" speech. Meanwhile, Clinton is taking notes.

Awkward Award
What could be worse than giving some hated enemies land, only to box them in with a border fence? We were about to ask Israel, and then an Israeli Defense Minister said that the Palestinians within the Gaza Strip may be about to bring a "holocaust" down on themselves. Yup. So, um... how about that local sports team, huh?

Not The Proper Way to "Lay the Floor" Award
An 18-year-old in Selkirkshire avoided getting registered as a sex offender after an incident where he engaged in a sexual act with pavement. The man was drunk, and, apparently, was going for more of a shock value, as opposed to a strictly sexual motivation. Oddly enough, similar thinking has been applied to Paris Hilton, and, even more so, to those that have dated the Parisite.

Homeless Round-Up Award
New Orleans recently tried to round-up large numbers of the city's homeless, in an attempt to clear underpasses. The problem? It's not illegal to live on the street in the city. The city is now looking at trying to pass a new law to handle the discrepancy. In the meantime, we expect to see the squirrel population of New Orleans continually held in check.

Stick With What You're Good At Award
A large number of us have found ourselves in vehicles when we've had a few too many to drink. Hopefully, the vast majority were not behind the wheel. And yet, we're fairly certain that there have been times in almost everyone's life where they were thinking, "I shouldn't be driving". A cab driver in Australia got to experience that thought twice. Within three hours. And got pulled over each time. And to think, he's still got a couple of weeks before St. Patrick's Day.

Don't Give Him Bad News Award
It should come as no surprise that GDub isn't necessarily the most up-to-date on current events. And yes, let's just ignore that he should really be briefed on everything early in the game. Still, when he's about to talk about the state of the economy, and he gets quizzed on the concept of $4/gallon gasoline, he should probably have a better response than, "I hadn't heard that". Hmm... the rumors of those gas prices must have come from the Democrats...

MILB Award
Japan just got a new oldest professional boxer, and she means business. The 44-year-old mother of two passed the tests, and became the oldest pro boxer, when the previous age champ (46) retired. Needless to say, her children stay off of the lawn, color within the lines, and are more than happy to wait until their father gets home.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, when the calendar stops throwing fake days at us. Stay safe out there.

Whatever happened to casing the joint?

Always remember, if you're serious about trying to become a criminal, and want to start with a robbery, make sure you do a little research beforehand. Otherwise, you could find yourself in the dire predicament that a couple of Australian thieves got into this week.

In our minds, this is how we imagine the exchange must have gone:

(Two machete-wielding, balaclava-wearing burglars burst into bar.)

BURGLAR 1: Get on the ground and give us your money!

(Interior door opens, leading to room packed with bikers).

BURGLAR 2: So, Paul Hogan's a great actor, huh?

After all, when you find that you've decided to rob a bar in the middle of a motorcycle gang's weekly meeting, wouldn't you change tune pretty quickly? The thieves did make an attempt to escape, but one was tackled and hogtied before the police arrived, and his accomplice didn't elude capture for long. Needless to say, the bikers themselves have said that the thieves picked the wrong night for a burglary.

Look, we don't give these little tips out because we're trying to encourage a life of crime from anyone. Sure, we do use criminals as some of our examples, but that's because it's generally easier to find crooks doing something foolhardy. So, in whatever your chosen field, please, take one piece of advice from us today.

Look around you, and try to plan ahead. It might help you avoid getting gang tackled.

Unless, y'know, that's the kind of thing that you're into.

Better late than never

Congratulations to the state of South Carolina! They are currently looking to pass a bill that would officially recognize the end of slavery!

Alright, before you jump to any sort of conclusions or attack us for this exact sort of misleading statement, read the article. Sure, it doesn't make things a whole lot clearer, but it does start to become more obvious that what SC is actually doing is looking to commemorate the unofficial end of slavery. Proposing a "Juneteenth" bill would stop the need to write a temporary proclamation every year, and it would be a chance to honor June 19th, 1855, when Union soldiers announced the end of the Civil War in Texas.

However, looking at the article itself, especially on a cursory glance, one can think that South Carolina is finally getting around to accepting that slavery is over. While we know that there are still people across this country who refuse to believe that the Confederacy lost (and still others who are practically keeping up the fight, or at least their own battle-readiness, to this day), we highly doubt that there are any who haven't gained an understanding that slavery is no more. Sure, civil rights are still being worked out, but you don't see slaves out on plantations anymore. And for anyone to think that a state would have held off accepting such a fact for over 150 years is a bit ludicrous.

And yet, the article lingers out there. Who knows, though. Maybe the writer was trying to phrase the article in such a way as to eliminate confusion, and a clever editor changed words to make it "flow" better. Maybe the author was ultimately confused as to exactly what was happening. Maybe they found themselves distracted by a kid with a Mohawk.

Could have been worse. They could have been working for FOX.

Excuse me, sir, you forgot something

Our regular readers will be well aware that we love articles that point out people being stupid. Whether those people are celebrities, politicians, or registered morons, we just love stupidity in others. And yet we hold a special place in our hearts for stupid criminals.

For example, we love when we hear stories about people trying to rob a place after they've turned in a (correctly filled-out) application. We chortle with joy at the notion of people deciding that they are going to outrun the police in their incredibly slow vehicles, such as tractors. And yet, we're somewhat surprised that we hadn't seen a story quite like this one. We've heard of the concept of mind over matter, but this is ridiculous.

Sure, there have been plenty of instances where people have been able to hold up locations with nothing more than a finger or a candy bar. The successful ones are smart enough to keep their lack of a weapon concealed in a jacket pocket, so that at least it could look like they aren't unarmed. Unfortunately, for the attempted thief in today's story, he just couldn't bring himself to keep his hands in his pockets, and aimed his loaded finger right at the clerk.

Of course, shortly after his arrest, the culprit proceeded to claim that someone else had forced him to make the burglary attempt, all while brandishing a weapon. Given what our star knows about weapons, we think it's entirely possible that the other party he was referring to was simply pointing two fingers, for the double-barrel effect.

Either that, or we've all got firearms on the ends of our wrists, and don't realize it. That would certainly explain the ticking we would hear whenever Bob Dole wasn't holding onto a pen.

Don't stop believing

How many of us remember 1992? Specifically, how many of us remember the presidential campaigns of '92, pitting the senior Bush against the male Clinton? Does anyone remember a certain write-in candidate? No? How about in '96, when said write-in candidate had an actual campaign, running against Pres. Clinton and Bob Dole? Hmm... maybe 2000, where, by many accounts, this man's candidacy cost Gore the election to GDub (honestly, if it comes down to being that close, Gore probably wasn't the best face to present anyway)?

Ah yes, now the face is becoming clearer. When we then recall that he launched another bid in '04, supposedly helping vault GDub to victory over Kerry (although, what we said about Gore holds doubly true for Kerry), we can't help but shake the grave image of Ralph Nader out of our collective brain pans.

And, just in time for another presidential election, guess who's coming to the party? That's right. Just in case you missed it, Nader has once again decided that he's going to run for the presidency. Needless to say, the Democrats are less thrilled than the GOP by this move, since they stand to lose the most voters to Nader and his campaign.

But we're going to step aside for a moment here. And Ralph? Come right over here. We need to have a little chat with you.

Okay. Look, Ralph, nobody denies that you've been able to do some very good things in the realm of safety. Nobody can argue that you've had an impact that has lasted longer than many politicians. But isn't it time that you settled down, picked up your toys, and played in your own field? In your earlier campaigns, the country was at least hungry for a third party that was viable. Now, you really just look like someone who's gotten hungrier for attention than Tom Cruise, without the crazy.

So please, Ralph. Think about things. You're right when you say, "If the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up," but you aren't helping. For goodness sakes, Ralph, people in Minnesota voted for a professional wrestler. We don't need any more confusion.

Besides, you have a better chance of getting elected president of the PTA than the USA. And even they're a little unsure of your motives.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 18, 2008

Well folks, here we are again, watching Friday tick past us. We have moved steadily on from the love that flowed all over the place last week to a week that, in some ways, resembles the misgivings one has the morning after a fling. Sure, it was a fun way to spend a few hours, but is that really how you want to wake up every morning? Before too many of you can answer yes, we're going to get our awards started.

Sexy Beast Award
Of course, some of the big news this week has revolved around sex, which only seems fitting the week after we celebrate love. And the biggest sex story has to be John McCain, and his possible affair with a lobbyist. Part of us applauds the old guy for even having such a rumor flying around him, while part of us is more disgusted by the mere notion. We're pretty certain that it'd be like sleeping with your grandfather, only with a stronger sense of remorse.

We're Not Gonna Take It Award
Speaking of the McCain scandal, leave it to numerous conservative radio and television hosts to come out of the woodwork, slamming the New York Times for even writing such an article. The major affront to them is a lack of corroboration to the story, while still claiming that McCain isn't "conservative" enough. Good to know that FOXNews is going to start using "sources" and other people to back up their stories. Maybe they'll even take the next step, and hire "editors".

Research to the Rescue Award
Once again, Science has pulled through for us, as a recent study into why children play games has released its findings. While the scientists are still looking for deeper sociological and biological reasons as to why, it seems that children play because it's fun. Future studies intend to show that panhandlers beg because they like free money, and people have something to drink because they are thirsty.

At Least It Wasn't a Handicapped Spot Award
Sometimes, people make it a little too easy for the police. Take, for example, the recent story of the drunk driver who parked his car at the police station. The Canadian officers found the man inside the lobby, and promptly arrested him. By many accounts, the man thought he was at a doughnut shop, and was just looking for a little breakfast to soak up all the alcohol he'd imbibed.

Rocky Mountain High Award
Colorado is looking to be yet another state that has finally slipped the shackles of "blue laws", as they appear ready to allow liquor sales on Sundays. If the bill passes, residents of Denver will now be able to react, as opposed to prepare, for a crushing Broncos defeat. Meanwhile, Minnesota continues to stand fast with the, "C'mon, It's Too Cold To Go Outside on Sunday for Beer, Anyway" law.

We Feel Pretty Award
We knew it had to happen sooner or later. After the woman kicked off the plane for wearing too short of a skirt, we now have a story about two women who were treated poorly because they were "too pretty". Within the story itself, mention is made of the behavior of the two women, which was admittedly less than exemplary. The women also believe that the flight attendants may have been jealous, because, "nobody else on the plane looked like us except us". This could also be the script for "The Hottie & the Nottie 2: Soul Plane Boogaloo".

Just Queue It Award
When looking to rob a bank, most people want to just get in, grab the money, and get out in a rush. Not so for a thief in Florida, who waited patiently for his turn in line before demanding the money. And nobody believed Mom when she said that being polite would help us get places.

Alas, Poor Yor-*cough cough* Award
Across Minnesota, bars have been looking to clever ways to help out smokers, ever since a smoking ban went into effect. Mostly, the opening of patios with heaters has helped those needing a quick burn while enjoying their pint. A new loophole (which will probably be closed soon) is allowing smokers back in, as bars are hosting "theater nights" and referring to their patrons as actors. That's right, according to a law, performers are allowed to smoke during shows, so bars are utilizing the loophole to their own advantage. No wonder the last production we saw of "High School Musical" was so lackluster. Humphrey Bogart, Groucho Marx and Popeye could not be reached for comment.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, as we take the time to celebrate the extra day that February grants us this year. After that, of course, the annual guessing game that is March. Stay safe out there.