Keeping it in the family

We found a truly touching story today. A story that shows the types of bonds that only families can truly share. The type of bond between a mother and her son. Admittedly, this bond might get the mother thrown into jail, but she still showed her dedication.

Which also goes to prove that sometimes, dedication trumps things like intelligence.

But we want to give some credit to this mother. After all, we know that it must be hard to see a loved one locked behind bars, serving time for crimes that they committed (and then new crimes that they committed when they escaped a few years back). We would all want to ease their pain and suffering in such times. And we're fairly certain that she isn't the first mother to try to help her child out by working as a drug mule to get what he needs to him behind bars. We're also going to bet that she probably wasn't the first mother to hide such contraband in her wig, although not every mother has a son who's nickname was derived from their own wig-wearing shenanigans.

Yes, you read that correctly. The mother of a man known as the Red Wig Bandit packed cocaine and marijuana into her own wig, and tried to sneak the drugs to her son. And now, she may find herself awaiting a prison term of her own. The cocaine was probably the tipping point. She might have been able to convince the judges that the pot was medicinal.

Just goes to prove, if you're related to someone famous for wearing wigs, maybe it's time to shave your head. Just ask the family of Dame Edna.

*****

A quick moment of seriousness, to say a thank-you and farewell to Mr. George Carlin. If it wasn't for him, his 7 words, and his belief that "you can joke about anything, it all depends on what the exaggeration is", we probably wouldn't be writing this today. Well, we would be, but we probably wouldn't be quite so caustic as often. Thank you, George.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 16, 2008

Here we are, on another Friday. Spring is about to slip away from us, as the NHL Entry Draft proves. As for ourselves, we're looking forward to spending the first official day of summer pouring suds for people, so, we've got to hand out our awards, and get our heads into beer mode. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Boobs for Boobs Award
Leave it to science, once again. Apparently, it took years (or at least pages) of research to come to what seems like a logical conclusion; men become less wise around sexy imagery. Specifically, the study showed the bikinis cause men to make bad decisions. We, of course, are shocked and appalled by such a line of thought. What's next, Science? A study showing that images of naked women cause heterosexual men to think about sex? Thanks to Agent P. Berry for passing this along.

Already Open Award
We're all familiar with the old phrase, "Open up, it's the police". Well, for a man in Lakeville, MN, he didn't even get the pleasure of opening the door. That's because, at 3am, the police walked into his house to remind him to lock his door. On one hand, the intrusion could have resulted in a far worse reaction. On the other, it's a little creepy that the police were going around to make sure that the house was locked. And, in unrelated news, burglars are now going around reminding people to leave a window open.

Reading, Writing, and Red, Puffy Burns Award
A teacher in Ohio may be in the process of losing their job. Not because of his Christian teaching in the public schools, and not because of his insistence on keeping the Bible nearby. He appears to be running into trouble due to burning crosses into the arms of students. In spite of the burns, the teacher is often referred to by students as "a great guy". It should be noted that the teacher allows the kids to listen to Creed whenever they want.

Sliding Leave Award
An Air Force serviceman is getting his leave extended. Is it to spend more time with family, or tie up things at his job? Nope, it's to attend the grand opening of a new White Castle restaurant. Harold and Kumar would be so proud.

Children Are Our (Overprotected) Future Award
A school in West Sussex recently cancelled their "Sports Day" events, which help promote children getting outside and being active. The reason why? The fields were uneven, and kids might have fallen. This also just in; children are made out of glass, and should never ever ever be allowed to do something that might involve them tripping and/or getting their hands dirty.

This Flight Stinks Award
If you were recently on a flight from Miami to Bogata, you might have had a reason to complain about the odor on the flight. Turns out that, just prior to take-off, a stowaway skunk decided it needed to lighten its load into the area. We just have to wonder how the skunk was able to afford the fee for checked baggage.

Choose Your Own Limit Award
What's the best way to keep motorists safe on the roadways at all times? Well, that's a fairly subjective question. However, a good bet is that having a variable speed limit, that changes over the day multiple times, probably isn't the best bit of planning on their part. The best part? The speed limit changes will be suggested by a computer, because computers have never caused any problems for people. Would you like to play a game?

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week with more stories, hopefully less rain, and the knowledge that we were directly responsible for people drinking. Kind of like Wednesday nights. Stay safe out there.

The entrepreneurs

There are plenty of people who embody the entrepreneurial spirit of the American society. Sometimes, it's something small like running a lemonade stand, and other times, it's making sure that your private company gets large government contracts, possibly through collusion. But the spirit exists everywhere, and people are eager to jump on board a new business opportunity.

Well, some people. However, as a man in Allenspark, CO recently learned, not everyone is supportive of all businesses. This was the lesson he learned after attempting to open an ATV store, and having his dreams shut down by the community and the local planning commission. Not one to give up easily, the man is now looking to start a new business, and hopes to open his new "porn gallery" in August. And, in the spirit of togetherness, the man isn't even placing his own name on the store front. Instead, he's decided to name his business after his most vocal opponent.

This could be a smart move on his part, or it could be incredibly devastating to his standing. After all, either the community will back down on their stance regarding the ATV store, reasoning that a porn shop would be worse for them, or they'll completely embrace the adult video and toy location, reasoning that plenty of people in the town have a bit of kink to them. Sure, the man may need to rethink his ideas for the name of the location, but he might just get to keep his second store. And, if they turn this option down, he may be able to go back to his original dream.

Of course, he could also be setting himself up for the long haul. After all, we're fairly certain that he could seamlessly blend the porn gallery WITH an ATV shop, and it would be able to cater, largely, to a similar cross-over clientele. And it could certainly lead to people finding their horizons broadened.

Ultimately, though, in America, the litigious spirit tends to outbalance even the most clever entrepreneur, as is evidenced by a family in Oregon who is suing the local bus company for their son's death in an accident. We almost sided with the family on this one, until we learned that the boy didn't follow traffic laws, which lead directly to the collision.

But at least he wasn't cruising around with pot "in his pants".

It's Happy Fun Ball!

Okay, so it's not Happy Fun Ball. While we're fairly certain that the subject of today's article probably shouldn't be taunted, we're also pretty confident that it's not made of a material that "fell to Earth, presumably from outer space". However, we can't really say that we're shocked at the notion of the toy in question being banned. After all, the name alone conjures up some pretty bad imagery.

The toy is called the Fire Footbag.

That's right. A toy, for children, with the word "fire" right in the name. If it helps, the fire isn't just a clever marketing name. Oh no. The footbag is actually intended to be lit on fire.

Yep. A toy that gets kicked from child to child (or, more accurately, hippie to hippie or stoner to stoner) has moved from being a simple bean-filled crocheted ball to being a flaming projectile of pain. Even better, the footbag wasn't simply meant to be lit on fire by itself. Oh, no, first it needs to be soaked in a flammable liquid.

The kicker behind this? People didn't realize it was dangerous until AFTER reports of burns started appearing. Listen, folks, we can understand that maybe people didn't see the inherent danger in something like Jarts when they first came out. After all, how many people would knowingly run under a sharp, metal-tipped dart the size of a dachshund (the answer, as it turns out, is a surprisingly high number)? But a bag soaked in fuel and lit on fire? For people to kick at each other? And they couldn't see the inherent problems?

Or maybe they could, and the toy got banned before they could roll out the second phase, with instructions on how to play the fun new game, "Stop, Drop, and Roll".

The New Dumb, from Garmin

Oh, ABC News. You have posed a question for all the masses. A question heavy with its meaning. A question which shall surely resonate high from the tallest mountaintops, and reverberate low in the deepest valleys. A question that definitely falls into the category of "Things to Make You Go Hmmm".

A question about whether or not GPS is going to make us dumb as a society.

Oh, the faith posed in such a question. The strong belief that people are truly smarter than they let on, and it is merely through the creation of GPS and other modern conveniences that we have lost some of our mental faculties. We applaud you for holding onto that faith. At the same time, we wonder just how out of touch you are.

People are already dumb.

Sure, there are definitely flashes of intelligence within each and every one of us. But, as a society, people are getting less intelligent, or at least less intelligent in the standard ways. Some of the things that we have lost have been because modern conveniences have taken them away from us. So what if we can't tell time by looking at an analog clock? Could earlier generations install a new video card into their computer? We didn't think so (and we're not listening to any excuses about earlier generations not having computers. If they were so much smarter, they should have invented them earlier).

But to place the blame for people becoming less intelligent on simple devices is missing some of the key factors behind this trend. Sure, blame the GPS devices, and the cell phones with their massive stores of saved numbers, and the microwaves that have taught generations to never learn how to build a fire. But blaming these things while ignoring the uprising of reality television, celebutards, and the second term of the GDub Administration unevenly places the blame.

So, ABC, in answer to your question, no, the GPS will not make us dumb. We're already there.

Time

Time is a strange thing. For some, it moves far faster than it should. For others, it just seems to drag on and on. And for a third group, it does exactly what it's supposed to do, and that's tell us how long it is before our pizza's done and we can get back from commercials.

And yet, for many, time is simply a measurement of the changes that we all go through. Take, for example, the recent guest of honor at an alumni parade in Andover, MA. After all, it isn't every day that you get to see a 107-year-old leading the parade. It's even less frequent when, on the date of his 90-year reunion, he also gets an indiscretion from the past wiped off the slate. Happily for him, the school no longer looks as poorly on his late night voyage to watch a fire with fellow classmates, which will allow him to hold his head high for his 95-year reunion.

Also, to illustrate the fluidity of time and how it marches to its own drum, look at the new concept in footwear for babies. Dubbed "Heelarious", they're just what they sound like; high heels for infants up to six months. But oh, before you plan on having your newborn walk the catwalk, take note. The Heelarious shoes are not made for walking, because the heel wouldn't be able to support the weight. And since we know so many 3-month-olds that are walking, we're confident that this is a major concern. But, well, why should these fashion designers hold onto the usual concepts of time, when it can be shaped so easily to their whim?

Of course, the last thing about time is that it's a marker. It's a signifier of what is to come, and what has come to pass. It is that final tolling of a bell, or that new bud of spring. Over the weekend, we learned of just one of those instances. While we may never have the reach, or the impact, or even the hairline, of anyone involved with "Meet the Press" we can give our respect, our sympathy, and our thoughts. Goodbye and thank you, Mr. Russert.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 9, 2008

Welcome back to another rollicking Friday recap. Of course, today we're staring Friday the 13th squarely in the jowls, but we aren't afraid of a little superstition. Just to be safe, though, we have made a point out of avoiding black cats, not stepping on cracks, and tossing salt shakers over our shoulders. After all, we wouldn't want to court destruction. So, that being said, let's get rolling with the awards, shall we?

So Much for Checks and Balances Award
So the Supreme Court ruled recently that Guantanamo Bay detainees still have rights, which might stop some of their trials. In a shocking change of policy, the President has backed that statement. Just kidding, folks. He completely disagrees, and is going to plow ahead with the trials anyways. If need be, he'll actually enact new legislation to back up his point. Because, when you're the most popular US President in the history of the 21st century, why should you let some little, out-dated notion like legality or the Constitution stand in your way?

Open Mouth, Insert FOXNews Award
FOXNews is apparently seeing how quickly their staff can respond to errors made by their on-air team as this presidential season heats up. The most recent problem? A message at the bottom of the screen referring to Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama", which, for the three of you that don't know, isn't a term generally used with a positive connotation. Actually, we completely understand Michelle's complaint with this. "Baby Mama" looked like a terrible movie.

Wrong Speed Stick Award
What do you get when you cross an habitual armpit sniffer with the Singapore police? 14 years in jail and 18 strokes with a cane. It's rumored the man was mentally unstable. Rumored? The man wandered around and molested women by smelling their underarms. If that isn't unstable, then we're afraid to find out what is.

Blame it On the Rain Award
We know that people don't like rain, especially on big event days. It forces many to stay inside, it cancels baseball games, and it gets the dogs paws wet. Rain on a graduation day may cost an Arizona school $400, because they chose to keep the graduation outside (thereby accommodating more guests). The man behind the suit refers to the old Boy Scout motto of "Be Prepared". And yes, we're willing to bet that the man didn't think to bring an umbrella in case of showers.

Immigration Schmimigration Award
At a time when more and more Americans find themselves out of a job due to the troubled state of the economy, we have to look to a New York congressman for the bill that he introduced. If his bill succeeds, it would create up to 1000 new visa slots for immigrant workers. Of course, those workers would be fashion models, but still. Apparently, it's unfair that the models are currently competing in the same pool as doctors and software developers. After all, they may not be able to remove a diseased appendix, but damn, can they walk a catwalk!

Nekkid at the Capitol Award
After talking about women getting paid to wear clothes, it only makes sense to talk about naked women. Naked women all over the place. Appearing front of buildings, inside hallways, and under soft lights. Naked women in our nation's capitol. Naked women that offend a Texas delegate. Naked women that aren't actual women, but sculptures and paintings. After all, when kids can turn on practically any channel on television (or surf to any website with pictures) and see celebrities swearing or bearing things that should be concealed, the first thing we need to do is eliminate bonafide art from the equation. Then we can move on to the troubling concept of dogs playing poker.

You Take The High Road Award
Wow. So very impressive. It's not often that an actor decides that they should remove their name as a candidate for a potential award, because they felt that they didn't actually turn in good enough work to get the credit. After all, actors are such a self-congratulatory lot that they instituted awards shows just to give themselves more awards (yes, we're looking at you, Screen Actors Guild Awards). So major props to Katherine Heigl for taking the stand that she did against her Emmy nomina- what's that? Oh, she blamed the writers of the show? The same writers that she made such a point of supporting during the strike? Um... yeah... about that praise. Um.... we just didn't have good material.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back on Monday, with more news about fewer celebrities. Until then, stay safe out there.

For your eyes only

People, people, people. How many times do we need to share this little tidbit of information with you? Never, ever, EVER send a camera phone video of yourself doing anything inappropriate (like, say, masturbating) to the phone of someone who you've been borderline stalking. Never do it. Next time you think it's a good idea, remember that it's not.

And why is it such a horrible idea? Well, because really, at that point, the best you can hope for is that they just post the video online through file-sharing sites, forever bronzing your lack of equipment or technique for the world to see. The worst case scenario?

You send it while she's at the police station making a complaint about your actions.

Just keep that in mind. When you think you're only sending the person you like creeping out footage of a little self-pleasure, you may be sending it off to the police. And while a lot of cops know a thing or two about the act, they probably don't really feel the need to get a video primer into just how familiar you get with your hands.

Unless, of course, you can splice a nature documentary-style voice over to the entire process. At least that adds an air of class.

A time and place for everything

Today, we almost find ourselves stepping back into our personal history, back to a time before our weekly awards postings, back to a time where we still felt the need to classify a post with multiple stories under a random title, and came up with something a little off-kilter. Almost, because we're not going to bow to the pressure like that. We are, however, going to tie our three stories from today together thematically. Basically, that theme being the subject line for today, and pointing out how each story involves missing on either one, or both, levels.

Take, for example, the couple that decided to have sex in church. In and of itself, that's fairly bad, at least as far as most church doctrine is concerned. Now take a moment to realize that they did it in the confessional booth, and you've got a wonderful example of the wrong place. First of all, they had to have been just a bit cramped. And secondly, what if a priest actually had to use the booth? Would they be encouraged to say, "Forgive us, Father, but we're sinning right now"? Besides, most guys would be a little worried about trying to get her to say, "Oh, God" in such a location, lest there be a mix-up as to who's being addressed.

Which moves us on to someone who got confused on both time and place (yes, we're saving just time for last, but trust us. We have a reason). After a mugging on a tram in Bromley (UK), the robber decided that he needed to check out his newly gotten goods a little better. So he stopped and did it, by looking in the reflective surface of the tram's security camera. Because there certainly would have been no way to look in a mirror at any other location. We have to wonder if the robber knew the camera was there and filming his every move. If this had happened in America, we could have been fairly certain that he was actually trying to use the mugging as an audition for a FOX program, but, in the UK, we think he might just have been confused.

Confusion leaks into our final story. Apparently, GDub has found something to regret, and is attempting to spend his final months in office changing a perspective. That perspective that people seem to have of him? The idea that he was a war monger, and relatively opposed to the notion of a peace process. In fact, he even seems to think that some of his rhetoric may have fueled the perceptions. Well, heck, we certainly can't imagine how phrases like "bring it on" would in any possible way be confused as some sort of desire to start a fight. After all, every time we hear someone say those lines, it inevitably leads to puppies and ice cream, and not, as VPCheney might hope, puppy-flavored ice cream. We're definitely going to put this into the category of "wrong time", since, well, there's really no good time to try and reverse your stance on such a strong and polarizing issue. We're fairly certain that Charlton Heston didn't lie on his death bed saying, "It's okay, Tommy... you can take my gun now. I don't want you to have to pry it or anything... you might scratch the finish."

Maybe tomorrow we'll get to play "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil." That could be entertaining in its own right.

Tipping one back

Sometimes, we find ourselves surprised by even the articles that we read in our unending search for just the right material. For example, we were shocked to learn that the GOP McGranddaddy is even joking about using Google to do research on his potential VP candidates. Not because we didn't think he knew about Google... it's just that we expected him to be a Yahoo! user.

Sadly, though, there are other things that don't surprise us, such as learning that, in some parts of the UK, you can't even buy a bottle of BBQ sauce without an ID. After all, when the sauce also contains alcohol, you definitely need to be worried about people buying it just to chug.

Wait. Wait just a minute. Seriously? People would consider chugging that? Alright, so it'll taste better than Thunderbird, most box wine, and Christian Brothers, but still. The consistency alone should be enough to put people off of the concept, and the overwhelming aroma of spice and other flavors should finish the job. Besides, who really wants to look like a Famous Dave's-branded wino? Do they refuse to sell mouthwash without ID, too? Because we could actually picture people drinking that. It'd be like cheap vodka in a plastic bottle, only not as toxic.

But again, this really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, this is the same country that's also been hard at work manufacturing the rotating ice-cream cone. For those days when moving your tongue is just too much work.

First, they came for the Cheetos...

In Toronto, it's about to become a lot more difficult to find things that are not meant for children's eyes. Instead of their typical placement, these items are going to be kept behind the counter, in drawers or behind grey wall coverings, so as to keep the young and impressionable Canadian children from looking at their shameful presence. Of course, by reading this, you just know that we're not talking about porno magazines. Those get to stay right in plain view.

We're talking about cigarettes.

On one hand, this makes a lot of sense, even in the face of the magazines keeping their place of honor. After all, seeing bared breasts probably isn't going to eventually lead to a horrible death for the kids, and starting smoking almost undoubtedly will. Besides, it's been postulated before that part of the reason why American culture is so repressive and poorly-informed about sexual themes is because we do so much to hide it. Of course, hiding cigarettes may lead to less education and an even higher "taboo" factor (and how many teenagers want to do something just because it's considered bad by their elders... maybe we should start defaming calculus and literacy). But removing them from the public eye could slowly instill a culture of non-smoking into Canada, and, if it works there, it seems like it could only be a matter of time before it spreads to America.

Heck, this whole movement could be just like hockey. After a few years of success, we could just relocate this entire plan to somewhere in the south (we're thinking New Orleans) and claim it as our own.

In the meantime, here in the US of A, we're going to keep our liquor, porn, and cigarettes right where they belong. Within easy reach of a 10-year-old.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 2, 2008

Well, here we are, ending the first week of June for this year. And we're looking out the windows, wondering what kind of weather we're going to get. Will it just be rainy? Or will it be rainy with a high likelihood of destruction? We'll just have to wait and see. Good thing we have cable news channels to keep us going. Which moves us into our awards, so let's get those started.

Good Advice Award
When driving in Cyprus, be sure to follow their new and improved road rules. After all, they're now asking that people use the horn less frequently, restrain children in seats, and not abandon cars that are in motion. It seems like that last one would go without saying. After all, the only time that one should dive from a moving car is during a high-speed chase with some bad guys. Even then, you have to wait until the single bullet pierces the gas tank. What's next, Cyprus? Are you going to recommend that people keep at least one appendage on the steering wheel at all times, too?

Fool Me Twice, Won't Get Tazed Again Award
Just a little note of public service for our readers out there. If you plan on standing naked in the street while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to get a bit of a tazing. Oddly enough, if you plan on standing fully clothed while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to find yourself unemployed round about January.

What's In A Name? Award
There are plenty of bizarre names out there. Many of those names are planted squarely on the children of celebrities, but don't think for a second that the rich and famous are the only ones that get to saddle their children with horrific monikers. Take, for example, the Swedish couple that recently named their child Lego. We rest our case. We also fully expect that, in a few years, little Lego will be beating up on a child named Duplo, who will be slightly larger but less popular.

Only the Lonely Award
Picture yourself in a strip club (for those of you also surfing porn, that shouldn't be hard to do). Now imagine that you've decided to ask the girl who just entertained you for a while to accompany you home. She says no. You then decide to return to the club with a gun, get into a police chase, and flip your vehicle. And they say romance is dead. It should be noted that the vehicle was a Hummer, which would be the only one that guy got that night.

No... More Hawkish Award
When you're one of the people suspected of helping plan the 9/11 attacks, there is very little that you can do in the courtroom to make yourself seem a little more audacious. And yet, leave it to one of the masterminds behind the plot to first declare that he longs for execution, and then for him to complain that the courtroom drawing didn't look enough like his nose. Well, at least he's got his priorities in order. After all, he doesn't want to be known as "Big Nose" for the rest of the trial. And yes, he's so vain, he probably thinks this award is about him.

A Fire Sale Award
When protesting the high prices of gas, there are a number of things that you can try. You could switch to a hybrid vehicle, drive less, or use public transportation. You could also decide to set fire to a gas station's restrooms, although that's less likely to actually help the situation. The woman in question also set fire to a nearby Starbucks. After all, Starbucks coffee is somewhere in the vicinity of $239 per gallon, and there's no way she can fill up her car on that.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We're looking forward to the weekend, when the presumptive Democratic nominee finally hears the words he's been longing to hear from his opponent in the race. Those words, of course, being, "I'm not giving up, but Grandpappy McCain is old."

Okay, maybe those aren't the words he's hoping to hear, but they've got such a ring to them. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Waiting for the bus

Leave it to a nursing home in Germany to come up with a novel way to help take care of their patients. This nursing home was having difficulties with some of their residents stricken with Alzheimer's disease, and decided that they didn't want to have to resort to calling the police every time that someone went missing. So they did the only logical thing, and found a way to keep the patients from going anywhere.

And no, they didn't build a wall. Instead, they built a phantom bus stop. Unlike more paranormal bus stops (see Ghost World for reference), these stops were equipped exactly as a normal stop would be, except for one key detail. That detail, of course, being a distinct lack of buses.

Leave it to Germans to even come up with this idea. Tired of chasing after the elderly that can't remember much because their brains are being plagued by a disease without a cure? Take advantage of that lack of memory. The residents, who still retain some vestiges of long-term memory, associate the bus stop with going home, and then, by the time that they are found, they've forgotten that they ever saw the bright light of day, and smelled the aroma of a little something the rest of us call freedom.

On one hand, it seems fairly dastardly to use their illness against them. On the other hand, it's not as if they were all alcoholics, and they were being lured back with the promise of an all-you-can-drink happy hour. This method is really providing them with a safe memory, and allows the staff to more easily find the residents that need their care.

Of course, we have to wonder if this idea would even have a chance of gaining footing here. While we do try to take care of our sick and our elderly, installing unused stops could just prove to be an annoyance to tax payers helping fund the care. Especially when there are already plenty of unused bus stops, much to the chagrin of potential riders.

After all, when a bus has to go, it has to go, and it's not going to let any man-placed stop dictate its course.

Celebrate your own way

We all have different ways of sharing our joy over events with people. Fans of sports teams will do anything from simple crushing of beer cans all the way up to the much more difficult crushing of cars. People in the 9-5 world will celebrate a promotion or a raise with a quick outing to a happy hour, thereby making said raise null and void for at least a month. Still others celebrate by holding large rallies, gathering throngs of supporters to their side. Oh, and let's not forget the celebratory tattoo.

Still, even with all of that variety, Western culture is far behind Eastern culture. This is probably due to a number of variables, but when is the last time you saw someone stick a bunch of pins into their head for the Olympics? If you live in China, the answer could be, "Within the last week".

That's because a Chinese man, who already held the world record for jabbing almost 1800 needles into his cranium, has upped his own record to 2008, in honor of the Beijing Olympics. We can only assume that his chi balance will be restored. Wait, that's not how acupuncture is done?

Anyways, as a side note, just like the article points out, in China, getting that type of body modification done results in being looked down upon, and possibly treated like an outcast. Just another difference between Eastern and Western cultures, we suppose.

After all, here we give them recording contracts.

Stupid is...

It seems like today, the day where we may finally learn who exactly will be sent against the firing squad that we lovingly call the McGranddaddyCain Campaign, has been a day full of foibles, faux pas, and, um, mistakes (trust us, there's another more alliterative word we could have used, but we're trying to stay family friendly). We've go the Associated Press declaring victory for one candidate, even going so far as to say that their opponent is dropping out, only to find out that maybe that article was run a little early. We've got VPCheney cracking jokes about inbreeding and West Virginia, just in time for him to discover that surviving off of the life-force of younger, less evil politicians and making crude generalizations doesn't endear oneself to the populace. And, to top things off, millions of Americans are still wondering if they backed the wrong David.

The problem is international, as we got to learn from the Dutch that mooning can be hazardous to your health, especially when you press your bottom against a window. Apparently, a 21-year-old man did just that, pushed a little too hard, and shattered the glass, resulting in "deep wounds to his derriere." This is why we say it's all fun and games unto someone gets a shard of glass in their buttocks. Actually, we've never said that before, but we might have to start now.

You know what else is fun and games? Sitting in a parked (and locked car). At least, that is until the point where you have to call 911. And why would you find yourself dialing an emergency number? Could it be because your locked in and so used to technology that you can't figure out how to manually unlock the door? That's what happened to a Utah woman, leading police to meet with her, call her cell phone, and then walk her through the complicated procedure. It's a good thing she wasn't trying to put together a bookshelf from IKEA, or she might have sealed herself in a box that didn't have a door latch and a slider lock. One of the officers was quoted as saying that he was "glad she had a cell phone to call for help", but the officer was probably also glad that this woman wasn't performing surgery anytime soon.

Really, what's going on today? Are the Detroit Red Wings going to apologize for keeping their fans up late in losing effort? Will GDub finally say that he's sorry for anything that he's done wrong? Will the Grim Reaper sheepishly return the talented people to us? After all, it's only Tuesday, and there's plenty of daylight left.

And for the record, we're not sorry for implying that the VP feasts on those weaker than him. We just ran out of kitten jokes.

Just a little fatigued

It looks like the younger generations are being given another reason to not have to know what's going on in the world. According to the Context-Based Research Group, more and more young adults are experiencing "news fatigue", due to being inundated with news coverage all the time. The research also shows that it's getting harder for people to find in-depth coverage, instead seeing bits and pieces of stories at a higher frequency.

Well, we just can't understand why people say that. After all, when we try and watch any of the 24-hour news channels, we find ourselves inundated, but the actual amount of newsworthy material is remarkably sparse. The same thing is starting to cross over into the realm of newspapers, with more and more opinion articles and gossip columns. True, if we want to know more details about a story, we need to search four or five different sources to get all that we can, but that certainly doesn't explain any sort of news fatigue. After all, if there really was just too much news out there, we highly doubt that we'd be hearing about South American countries bickering over who created the potato.

We would like to propose a different idea. Instead of claiming that many people (and, especially, many young people) are suffering from "news fatigue", might we suggest that we're suffering from "pundit fatigue" instead? Where we used to have newscasters that felt it was their job and their duty to inform us, we now have talking heads who feel as though they need to bludgeon us with their views on the most inane of subjects. Heck, we practically expect to read stories about the flatulence of the various presidential candidates, because we just need to keep filling the airwaves with more information.

It's not news fatigue. If anything, it's being tired of having to sift through the fluff to find something of substance.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 26, 2008

Welcome back to another Friday. Today's awards are going up a little early, because we've got moving to do, but we wanted to make sure to give you your early weekend treat before we headed on our way. With that, let's get rolling.

Burning Down the House Award
We all remember fire safety demonstrations from when we were younger. They taught us valuable lessons, like how to properly use a fire extinguisher, and which wood makes a really big fire. Well, in Great Britain, the demonstrations are being put to an end. Because they're unsafe, and might teach children to battle fires themselves. Other demonstrations under the knife are ones on first aid (they might teach children how to make a proper splint), and model UNs (they might teach children how to withhold oil and other resources from kids they don't like).

Sincerely Yours Award
There are times and places to leave notes. One of those times is not when you're attempting to rob a house, and get frustrated by the safe. And yet, that's exactly what some robbers in Iowa did, after failing to break into the safe. This is why we don't have a safe of our own. We just can't handle the negativity. Well, that, and we're bloggers, so it's not like we have a lot of nice things.

What Would Spinal Tap Think? Award
Scientists may have finally figured out what Stonehenge was used for. According to recent research with radiocarbon dating, it appears that the monument was a burial ground for the wealthy dead. This also explains the engraving that translates to read "Angus. Father of two, loving husband, lousy hunter."

Shocking. Just Shocking Award
In recent history, Scott McClellan, former press secretary to the GDub Administration, has released a memoir detailing what he saw during his time at the White House. Unsurprisingly, the GOP is attacking him as a glory-seeker, and claiming that the entire book is full of lies, forcing McClellan to take to the morning news circuit to defend himself. We count vouch for the whole thing, but we do think it's credible that on page 178, McClellan mentions GDub deferring to VPCheney, and on page 23, he gives a believable description of the kitten-machine that fuels the Vice President.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Threats Award
Show a picture of a nuclear-war destroyed Washington, D.C., and the SITE Intelligence Agency will take notice. Especially when said picture is being posted around Islamic websites. Except the picture was not created by extremists, as SITE originally claimed, but by game developers from Bethesda Softworks. This also explains why SITE is still looking for fire flowers, and why they train their agents to hide in cardboard boxes.

We're Supposed to Read That Thing? Award
Good news, everyone! Israel held an online vote, and they've picked their national bird, the Hoopoe. Bad news, everyone! It's one of the birds that the Book of Leviticus specifically refers to as being abhorrent. What's next? Is the national meat going to be bacon? Because, if so, we can totally get behind that concept.

One Bedroom, with Spacious Closet Award
What's worse than finding a burglar pilfering your food while you're away at work? How about finding out that said burglar is actually a homeless person who's been living in your closet for a year? You'd think the panhandler in the bathroom might have been a bit of a tip-off.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, refreshed and ready to tackle another round of primaries. Will these be the ones that finally sound the Clinton death knell, or is she still planning on surviving longer than Indiana Jones? We'll just have to wait to find out. Stay safe out there.

It didn't work

There are a number of interesting legal defenses that people present to try to stay out of prison. For example, there's the always popular insanity defense, the slightly less popular Twinkie defense, and the relatively obscure Chewbacca defense. However, we may have found the defense that really takes the cake.

As it turns out, a New York mafia boss wants the judge for his trial removed from the case. The reasoning behind his request? The judge may be biased, due to the gangster allegedly planning to have him killed.

Well, we can completely sympathize with the mobster. After all, we're fairly certain that there are relatively few ways to get someone opposed to helping you anywhere near as quickly as trying to get them assassinated. And it just seems fair that he might think that the judge won't necessarily view this case as objectively as he probably should.

Of course, then we have to recall that this is a worry for the gangster, which seems, to us, to be something of an admission of guilt. So maybe the judge has every right to hold less than a completely fair trial. After all, it was his life that was being plotted against.

The people that the mob boss should really be upset with? Whoever it was that didn't carry out the plot. After all, if they'd done their job, then this wouldn't even be an issue.

Good help is hard to find

Have you ever had one of those really bad days at work? The kind of day where you spend your time training in a new employee, only to have said employee turn out to be a thief intent on robbing your store? Even worse, did you take extra care to teach them how to operate the cash register?

No?

Then you obviously don't work at a 7-11 in Mesa, AZ, where this happened. The suspect decided to fool the clerk, get trained as an employee, and then return later to purchase some frosty beer. However, when questions were raised by their photo ID, the suspect grabbed the clerk, locked her in the bathroom, and then, while waiting for an opportune moment, proceeded to help customers. It wasn't until the actual clerk returned to the front with a gun of her own that the robber fled the scene.

We know what you're thinking. Well, we know what you're thinking if your mind is anything like ours. And that thought is, simply, are there magic cash registers out there that you need to be trained how to operate? Isn't it usually simply a matter of hitting some sort of an enter button (generally located in a fairly logical place) to get the drawer to slide out? Or was this really an elaborate plot towards getting some experience behind the counter at a gas station?

And, naturally, is this person still eligible for an "Employee of the Month" recognition?

Funny... and not funny

Well, after taking yesterday to memorialize some things, and to enjoy the time-honored tradition of gluttony and far too much processed meat, we actually have to stories to look at today. Sure, there were more out there, but these two just seemed to jump.

First up, we have a story where it just might be appropriate to laugh. In fact, if we were actual news reporters, and we were asked to recite this story on the air, we probably wouldn't be able to help ourselves. After all, it isn't every day that you hear about someone hiring a nude maid. It's even less often that she robs the place.

See, when you're trying to keep the house clean while the spouse is away, it makes some level of sense to hire a cleaning service. If you're a straight male, well, why not hire a maid? Heck, for most guys, having a woman show up in a French maid costume alone is enough for them to forget that the TV has a thin layer of dust, and that the carpet could use a really good vacuuming. When the victim of our story searched online and found a listing for a nude maid, well, we're pretty sure that he forgot that his fridge had been unplugged for a week, too. All up until the point where he learned that she'd not only cleaned up, but that she'd taken extra payment. And before you start thinking that this was some sort of karmic response to him hiring a nude woman while his wife was away, you need to realize that the maid stole the wife's jewelry. The most interesting point is that the man could only give a brief description of the maid. We are fairly certain that he wasn't even positive that she had a face.

As for our other story, well, as we pointed out with the story above, there are times where laughing is perfectly acceptable. Make a slip while speaking, and refer to Obama as Osama? Depending on which news organization that you work for, maybe a little chuckle at your own faux pas is appropriate. Suggesting that both should be assassinated? Apparently that's hilarious. At least, it is if you work for FOXNews. Or, at least, we are lead to believe that, after one of their pundits made the slip, mentioned assassination, and then proceeded to laugh out loud at the notion of either person being killed. But, you know, FOX is "fair and balanced", and when they report, we decide.

Listen, FOX, we were already willing to write you off as an experiment in bringing partisan politics to the newsroom. Now that we can see that at least some of your talking heads actively advocate the assassination of Americans who don't share your beliefs, we can write you off as something else. At least you'll keep the trains running on time.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 19, 2008

Here we are again. It's Friday, the sun is out, and we're ready to run with our awards. Our brains have already checked out for the weekend, so we're just going to dive in.

Whippersnappers Award
People have been fearful that, as the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party, Barack Obama may pull the age card with regards to John McCain. No worries, folks, as McCain (who, as you may have heard, is older than Velcro and Alaska) did it himself. He has referred to Obama as "young man", and cited a lack of experience based largely on age. McCain was later heard asking people to speak louder, and then berating them to get off of his lawn.

I Don't Like You Anymore Award
But that's not all McCain's done recently. In light of recent comments, the GOP front runner (and, with the exception of the zombie campaign of Ron Paul, the only runner), McCain has decided to reject the endorsements of a couple of religious leaders, due to inflammatory comments such as saying that "Hitler was a hunter" to help guide the Jewish people back to Israel. Within the same day, one of the preachers, John Hagee, decided to pull his endorsement back. Look, McDaddy, if you can't court the insane and violently right-wing Christian ideologues and extremists, then who can?

Next Step: Drive-by Lessons Award
In an attempt to spur on car sales, and possibly to capitalize on comments made by the Democratic candidates on the campaign trail, a Missouri auto dealership is offering a free handgun to anyone who purchases a new car. Well, it's either a gun (referred to as "a nice little handgun that fits in your pocket"), or a voucher for $250 in gas. Oddly enough, people are opting for the gun, figuring that, if times get really bad, they'll be able to get more than one full tank out of the deal.

We Find the Plaintiff Not Marriage Material Award
Last fall, after a fight, a bride cancelled her planned wedding. Many people would either look back in relief, or possibly even laugh at the situation. Not the groom's mother, who has decided to sue the bride over the failed nuptials. Ostensibly, the suit is an attempt to reclaim a deposit on a location. Needless to say, the bride's choice, while potentially expensive, is looking better and better. No word on whether the groom holds out hopes of being able to find anyone else now that this story has come to light.

Read Carefully Award
What would you do if you received an exam form that had a number of the answers on the back? Well, if you're like the vast majority of 12,000 students sitting for a music exam last week, you wouldn't even notice your good fortune. Although questions are being raised as to why a child who was only a drummer was suddenly able to understand key concepts such as pitch, melody, and how to get a girlfriend with a comfortable couch.

Where's the Kite, Charlie Brown? Award
A Pennsylvania man was recently rescued by police after he was found dangling upside down from a tree. His claim? The tree attacked him. Needless to say, the police believe him to have been highly intoxicated, which is kind of like saying that ice hockey requires a cold surface, and that glue can be sticky.

Sticking It To the Stockpile Award
Were you one of those Americans hoping that the current price of gasoline would cause the Energy Secretary to release oil from our strategic reserve? If so, do you still believe in unicorns prancing down the street? After all, both are as likely to happen anytime soon, as the Energy Secretary has refused to release any of the reserves, declaring that we need to save them in "case of emergency". For those playing at home, the definition of emergency is, "When the leaders of the government need to escape from the average citizen, and there's only enough gas to supply our jets and cars."

And on that ever chipper note, we'll be signing off. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, try not to get burned too badly at the pump, and we'll see you back here on Tuesday. Until then, stay safe out there.

That'll show 'em

First off, today, we have to give a nod to science. After all, it's been a little while since we've been able to point out one of the new discoveries and/or advancements made by the scientific community, and, after today, we know what they were so busy with. Yes, thanks to science, we now have a strong working definition for a term previously left vague. Thank goodness we now can know exactly what "premature ejaculation" is. Ironically, the definition couldn't be agreed upon until a group of researchers had studied results from studies conducted over the last 65 years. It should be noted that the different portions of the definition did all occur in the first few sentences.

Yes, sometimes we disturb ourselves, too. So we're just going to move on from there to New Zealand, where a woman grew tired of the catcalls and whistles that she heard as she went about her daily business. So, one day while approaching an ATM, she did what any person would do in that situation.

She stripped to get them to stop whistling.

So, in order to get them to stop whistling over her attractiveness, she decided to "show 'em what (she's) got". Well, that would put an obvious end to those type of playground shenanigans. We're fairly certain that the men have been properly chastised, obviously having only whistled as an annoyance, and not with any hope of actually getting a response from a woman. In fact, now that they've seen this woman in all of her glory (we can only assume... the article isn't overly specific), they'll surely stop, attend dance lessons, and learn the difference between a martini and a cosmopolitan.

Either that, or their cro-magnon beliefs have simply been reinforced, and now they'll just continue whistling, hoping that another woman will strip down.

Actually, if that second tactic works, we might want these guys to visit the museum in Manchester, UK, that's decided to cover mummies to not offend sensitive patrons. Because, obviously, if current generations were meant to see mummies covered in anything, then their wrappings wouldn't have been made out of a biodegradable material.

And they wouldn't star in movies with Brendan Frasier.

Buying grass

An interesting thematic connection has found its way to us. Yesterday, we talked about someone trying to buy munchies with grass. Today, we find that the city of Roseville, CA, is offering to buy grass from residents. Of course, in one story "grass" was used as a slang term, where in the other, the word stands as the proper noun, but we find a connection either way.

See, in Roseville, like in many other communities across the United States, there is a bit of a drought going on. And the city council, like many other city councils, has tried to ask people to stop watering their lawns as frequently. Unfortunately, in America, people are so obsessed with the notion of keeping their grass exceptionally green, even going so far as to water their lawn the night after a rainstorm, that the pleas to conserve water have been met with the sound of a sprinkler system.

That is, until the city struck upon the notion of buying square footage off of residents. Well, not really buying the land itself, but instead they're looking to offer residents cash for every square foot of sod they turn into some other landscaping (and less water-intensive) aesthetic. We can practically smell the investment in artificial turf and rocks. We also practically guarantee that a few residents will end up building in ponds, complete with running waterfalls and fountains, perhaps not understanding the concept of water conservation.

One other thing we're willing to put money on? What are the odds that, a few months to a year from the start of this initiative, the fee for water usage will have to rise, because the city wasn't collecting enough from the bills? We're thinking it's running slightly better than 50/50 for those odds.

Who knows? Maybe next year, the city will have to sell the grass back.

Dude, can you break a baggie?

You know that the state of the economy is no laughing matter when people are finding interesting ways to pay for goods and services. While we haven't reached levels of indentured servitude quite yet, we are seeing people more willing to haggle, and trading service for service has finally moved out of cooperative living areas and street corners into more suburban communities. And never forget that more and more people are being forced to *gasp* shop at only one grocery store per trip, as opposed to running all over town to find just the right brand of milk.

But all of that has nothing on a man from New Zealand, who stopped at a gas station, grabbed some snacks, and realized he'd left his wallet and money at home. Ever the quick thinker, he decided to offer the only other green that he had on him.

Needless to say, the police officer in line behind him was not amused at the prospect of a customer using marijuana to pay for M&Ms.

That's right, folks. We've finally reached that level of despair, where we can expect to see even our own homegrown drug users trying to determine just how many Pringles you can get for crack, or whether or not McDonald's will accept opium through the drive-thru window. We may even see panhandlers admit that they're asking for money for liquor, if only so that they can turn that bottle of Christian Brothers into a Big Bell Value Meal.

Aw, who are we kidding. The cops were probably upset because they hadn't kept any of drugs that they confiscated with them, and were forced to dig out a couple of banknotes in exchange for their Slurpee.

Making it sporting

Ever since men have been walking upright, women have probably been upset about their lack of aim when it comes to urination. Over time, new vessels were created to help store and dispose of the liquid byproduct, but through all of that, men were once again culprits of poor aim, bad decision-making, or the desire just to see from how far away they actually could arc a stream. And that's not even taking into account writing their name in the snow without their hands. Meanwhile, women have been cleaning up after them, and discussing the male inability to actually hit a target while in the bathroom.

That all may be about to change, thanks to a couple of Belgian beer drinkers, who are developing "Place to Pee", a video game where urinating helps survive an alien invasion, or steers a skier through a tricky course. The basic concept is that the player aims at sensors, and, for every successful "strike", something good happens in the game that they're playing. Of course, these games are potentially competitive, being made for two people, and that's one thing that few men really crave when trying to empty their bladders.

So this could all be a good thing in the long run. If the invention takes off, not only could it finally give men a reason to care about where their stream is going, but it could then lead to bragging rights amongst the guys who could claim higher scores. Plus, the inventors are even working on a way to get women into the game, giving them the same thrill that men get when they splash a stream onto the toilet seat.

Also a plus? The skiing game would be appropriate for all ages, which will give little Tommy something to do while he's at the bar with Dad.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 12, 2008

Here we sit, watching another Friday close out the week, and to be honest, we're a little confused. We're not sure if this is because we've got beautiful weather for the first time in a long time, or because we narrowly avoided getting hit by a baseball earlier in the week, or what, but, for some reason, it just doesn't feel like the week has been quite long enough. Don't get us wrong, we'll definitely take the shorter-feeling week, it's just thrown off our rhythm. Anyway, maybe if we start our awards, we'll be less confused.

Next Time, Call Acme Award
A recent power outage in Albania can be blamed on two culprits. No, not the state of the economy or the weather. This time, the outage can be blamed on a cat and a mouse, who were chasing each other through a power station. No reports yet whether or not this was merely a start to filming the inevitable "Tom and Jerry" live action movie.

The Safe Word is "911" Award
We've heard of some pretty kinky practices during sex play. From using a feather to dripping wax, and all the way to the shocking notion of using "foreplay", they seem to run the gamut. Therefore, it doesn't really surprise us that there are people who find being cut to be erotic. We also weren't surprised when someone got stabbed by an overly enthusiastic partner. The only real shock was that neither of the participants were named Spears or Winehouse.

Not Il Papa Award
As many of you may have heard, California's Supreme Court recently decided that banning gay marriage was unconstitutional. Just in case we had forgotten, though, thanks to the Pope, we have been reminded that the Catholic Church is still adamantly opposed, calling it "immoral". Several Catholic priests later agreed to the opposition, pointing out that, in many states, it's still illegal to marry someone under the age of 14.

In Need of a New Shirt Award
Ah, stupid criminals. We love 'em, the same way that viewers of "America's Funniest Home Videos" love a ball (or a kick, or bat, or chair, or car, or missile) in the crotch. Therefore, we have to love when someone robs their own place of employment. But that's not what sets this story apartment. Oh no, it's the fact that he did it while still wearing his work uniform. Maybe the culprit thought that they'd taken enough sick days to be unrecognizable.

Home Court Disadvantage Award
All sports seem to tout the need for playing at your home location. For a couple of guys in Farmington, Maine, the home court worked against them. The two were playing basketball inside their apartment when they proceeded to hit a sprinkler, raining water down on two businesses on the first floor. However, by proving their ability to hit anything, the men have been offered contracts to play with the Minnesota Timberwolves and the Memphis Grizzlies next season.

The Cream of the Crop Award
How do you get cows to produce more milk? Many people seem to think it involves a complicated procedure of getting them to eat enough materials to produce the dairy product. For a farmer in Iowa, the best plan is to give the cows water beds and flat-screen televisions. The cows are apparently big fans of Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil, which explains why our cheese recently told us how we could be better parents, and why the milk gave away a new car to everyone that opened the refrigerator.

Within Spitting Distance Award
Two Swiss men recently engaged in a spitting competition, trying to see which one could spit further from a balcony. Seems fairly innocent, and a little childish, but no harm, no foul, right? Well, when one of the men decided to get a running start (yes, onto the balcony) to gain some extra distance, the contest ended in tragedy, as he ended up losing his balance and falling to his death. Seriously, people, this is why you don't run on (or at) balconies. If only they'd been playing basketball indoors, this never would have happened.

Cheap Drinks Award
It looks like the state of the economy is finally starting to really hit home for people. You may be wondering what finally was the tipping point. From our perspective it's the notion that, while people are still drinking as much beer as normal, many are switching from higher-priced brews to "economy beers" such as Miller Lite and Pabst Blue Ribbon. And yet, it still costs just as much to be able to wash the horrible taste of their "beer" out of your mouth.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week, possibly with more talk of appeasement, or possibly just with more bickering back and forth along the same sides of the partisan aisle. Actually, knowing what's been happening as of late, we fully expect both. Stay safe out there.

This job stinks

There are a few things that one must do if they plan on ever working around other people. Being sure not to harass them is a fairly obvious step, one that should carry as much weight (if not more) as things like good personal hygiene and actually getting some work done. An item conspicuously missing from many lists of appropriate workplace behavior is not passing gas at your coworkers.

If only the fellow employees of a Deal, Kent women had known about that. It could have saved their company around $10,000.

That's right. Amongst a laundry list of other offenses (which all added up to a fairly nice sexual harassment settlement), breaking wind towards the woman has taken a higher level of offense. This may have something to do with the overall penchant of her fellow employees to eat cabbage and beans. It also may have had something to do with the fact that one of the main olfactory offenders was the woman's manager. As she puts it, he regularly "lifted his right cheek" in her direction before, um, relaxing a bit.

Sure, there was also commentary made about women in general, overall leering, inappropriate commentary, and poor reactions to her inability to get her computer to work, but really, when it comes down to it, even if the rest of those things hadn't happened, the poor woman still got farted at on a regular basis. And, unless you work in a barn, or possibly at a Taco Bell, that's just one hazard that should never come with the job.

In the meantime, her former employers have taken to shooting spit balls at each other, and have prepared a "You're Glue" defense in case of an appeal.

Panic! At the Playground

With the things that have been going on in our schools, we can understand when an administrator gets a little too "closure happy", and exercises his powers because of an incident. Whether that incident is a bomb threat, potential arson, or a really bad decision made by a substitute chemistry teacher, we can see where cause might be followed, especially if the action taken by the school is a simple reroute of the student's departure routes. After all, we need to be ever vigilant.

And yet that vigilance can get a little out of hand. Honestly, we don't really think that a school in Massachusetts really needed to go into lock down mode over a recent incident After all, it was just a raccoon bite.

Yes, you read that correctly. After a school crossing guard was bitten by one of the "masked" rodents, the school entered into lock down, and the students had to remain inside at the end of the day until the animal could be "disposed of". Although, we admit, there probably were a fair share of students who would have liked to potentially track down the raccoon, for any number of different reasons, so maybe the lock down was an appropriate response. After all, a mass evacuation might simply have spooked the animal, possibly even causing it to flee the vicinity.

And yes, we're aware that the animal needed to be at least captured, in order to test for rabies, but we're going to take the odds on this one and say that, if you get bit by a wild animal, go ahead and act as though you might have the disease, and get yourself taken care of appropriately. Because every time that we have to lock a school up to catch a rodent, the scavengers have already won.

First Church of Roswell

Good news, everybody! Thanks to the Vatican's chief astronomer, we can keep believing that something is watching us from the heavens. And we don't even have to wonder if that means we don't believe in God anymore.

Well thank goodness for that. Now that we can rest assured that aliens would also be "God's creatures", we can rest much more easily. After literally minutes of contemplation into whether or not our belief in extraterrestrials invalidated our belief in an omnipotent, omnipresent being who created everything we've ever known, and did it all in a week, we've been given the answers that fit not only our iconography, but our desire to make hats out of tinfoil. Thank goodness the Vatican stepped up and clarified this one for us.

Of course, the thing that shocks us the most is the notion of the Vatican having an astronomer in the first place, but these things shouldn't really surprise us. After all, we've seen a professional wrestler take over as governor, and we've seen evidence proving that Gary Coleman can get married, so the notion of someone within the church staring at the stars really shouldn't be that bizarre.

The only problem that we see is that we're now left with a question. If we were made in God's image, as the Bible proclaims, then what image were aliens made in? God's cousin Tony's? His pet dog's? A slightly longer, more technologically advanced version of Himself? Now that we know we can believe in both denizens of the skies, we can only hope that the answers to these questions are coming soon.

One step at a time

We can't possibly expect that people will learn at the drop of a hat. Sure, some things seem like they would be instinctive, but, speaking from our own experiences, just because it looks like something that should be known easily doesn't mean it always is. For further proof, look once again at the election in 2004. Like we said, sometimes, it takes a little more before people start to learn.

Take, for example, police in Nagoya, Japan. They may have instinctively know to not allow a man doused in kerosene to smoke, but did that stop them from letting him light up? The answer is a resounding, "No", followed by a woofing noise and some intense flames. The real kicker?

The police station was a non-smoking location.

Wait, no, that just isn't right. The kicker to the story is that the police didn't either force the man to change his fuel-soaked clothes, or that they gave him fire and tobacco. Sure, we can understand that sometimes, you just have to have a cigarette, but at least make sure you aren't wearing anything excessively flammable at the time. As far as the police go, well, they certainly should have been able to look at the possibility that someone who had soaked themselves in gas might not be the most mentally stable of people, and therefore, giving them the fire with which to burn themselves (either internally OR externally) might not be the wisest idea. Especially when the man turned into a walking pillar of fire, and had to be taken to the hospital.

Meanwhile, here in America, we're busy trying to figure out how exactly to get sexual predators out of ice cream trucks. Because it's only taken us this long to realize that the primary customers for said trucks are children, many of which run after the jingling bells without a thought to if parents are around.

But it's not like we're soaking the BombPops in fuel, so there's a plus, right?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 5, 2008

What a week this has been. From Cinco de Mayo to, um... the week that follows Cinco de Mayo. Right... anyways, there's been plenty going on, and with the weather tuning up, we've even been able to step outside and soak up some sun. But that hasn't stopped us from looking through the news for our awards, so let's get those underway, shall we?

Stoned Out Of Your Skull Award
We're willing to bet that, for as long as marijuana has been around, there have been jokes about what people will use to make bongs. Common substances seem to be fruits, while less common substances include bricks and the occasional asparagus. But there's an extra level of creepy involved when you need to raid a grave to get your materials, like some boys in Texas did. What, was the local head shop fresh out of "tobacco pipes"?

Laugh Along With FOXNews Award
The Project for Excellence in Journalism has released a new report linking "The O'Reilly Factor" with "The Daily Show", stating the neither is a good source for news, but that both serve to reinforce the news that has been ingested through other means. The PEJ also stated that "The Daily Show" makes "some very serious political commentary". Well, that sets the two shows apart right there, although it does explain our desire to laugh uproariously at O'Reilly's program.

Seasonal Donkey Award
When it comes to being outspoken about food, Gordon Ramsay takes the cake. Well, he takes the cake, swears at it, belittles its basic make-up, calls it a donkey, swears at it some more, and then gives it a backhanded compliment, but you know what we mean. Well, now Ramsay is taking aim at restaurants in Great Britain, calling for fines against chefs who serve fruits and vegetables out of season. He also referred to the British as a nation of "lazy eaters". Having tried British cuisine, we can assure you that there is nothing lazy about trying to eat that food.

Hard-Hitting Coverage Award
When looking for plush reporting, without too much shag, look no further than Anchorage. Why? Because they have a detailed expose into the naming of carpet stores. Because nothing trumps the Minnesota Mullet competitions quite like discussing carpet store names. And they've got the deals to prove it.

Timing, People, Timing Award
What's the worst thing that could possibly happen when you construct a tornado shelter for a community? If you guessed that the shelter would be locked during a tornado warning, you know about what happened in Alma, Arkansas. The keys are kept by local police officers, but, in case of an emergency, they may not be able to reach the shelter in time. Citizens of the town are now clamoring for emergency plans to be drawn up for the emergency shelter. Emergency.

Black Magic Women Award
When it comes to staging an inventive anti-war rally, the women of Code Pink definitely know how to do it with style. They started with the traditional signs, and then unfurled a pink banner. Oh yeah, and they employed witchcraft. Which certainly explains why eye of newt wasn't available at our local grocer's freezer for awhile.

Can I See Some ID? Award
There are plenty of cases of identity theft going around this country, but we may have just found one of the weirdest. A man has recently been jailed for spending $3.2 million on cars and other assorted purchases using a photocopy of an ID, and a matching SSN. Yes, a photocopy. We just wonder how he got his ID scanned when buying cigarettes and beer, and we'd hate to think about what would happen if there was a paper jam.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you back here on Monday, when (we hope) we'll know the answer to one of the toughest questions currently facing the American citizen. That question being, of course, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it was standing on the roof of a church?" Stay safe out there.

Mmmm... donuts

How often have you been in a store or a restaurant while a child has been crying and/or begging for something nearby? How often have you felt the urge to go ahead and give the child what they are craving, especially if said item is small? How often have you lost your job because of it?

That's what happened to a Tim Hortons employee from London, Ontario. Seeing a distressed toddler who wanted nothing more than a Timbit (which are kind of like doughnut holes), the woman decided to help out, and gave the sugary treat to the youngster. Unfortunately, when the cameras caught her giving away product, the woman was fired. This is especially disheartening because the treat itself retails for 16-cents.

Yes, you read that correctly. For "theft" of less than a quarter, and for probably providing a little peace of mind to the people around the distraught child, the woman was fired. Thankfully, there is a happy ending to the story, as the chain has realized their mistake, and are working on the details to rehire the woman, plus pay for the time since she was cut loose.

While we commend the corporation for coming forward (admittedly, not without media pressure, but come forward they did) to try and fix the error caused by the "overzealous decision" of a manager, we still have to question overall what kind of culture leads to such a manager being that concerned over the loss of a 16-cent ball of dough. It's not like the woman was stealing a tank's worth of gas, or the latest video game system to try and quiet this child down. They were simply handing over a doughy, fried ball. Having worked in the food industry, we have to admit to having done similar things ourselves. While we've never given away anything too ridiculous, either in size or price, we also never offered something as inexpensive as a single doughnut ball.

Maybe the manager was afraid that the child had some super-sensitive taste buds, and by having a mere taste, they would be able to identify all the ingredients that make Tim Hortons so popular in Canada. Perhaps they were simply trying to protect industry secrets. Or maybe they just overreacted to an employee doing something nice for a customer.

After all, it was just a doughnut hole. Or Timbit, if you prefer.

And your little dog, too

We've all experienced heartbreak in our lives. For some, said heartbreak came in the form of being rejected by a potential lover. For others, that same heartbreak may have happened when the really good pizza place down the street ran out of pepperoni during a lunch rush. Sure, the second one seems trivial, but try telling that to a person who's now crying because they had their heart set on pepperoni pizza.

Tangent aside, one thing that most people can agree on as a definite cause for heartbreak is the loss of a pet. These events happen, and, when it's a tragic accident that precipitates the loss, it makes it that much harder to take.

So imagine what it must feel like to get sued over the damages your dog caused to a car that struck it. Not only is your dog hit by a car and gone from your world, but then to be expected to pay for the dents? Just seems a little heartless.

Digging a little deeper, we find that the dog in question was a miniature pinscher, and that the driver is suing for over $1,000 worth of damage to his car, which, given it's make, model, and year, may not have been worth a whole lot more than that before the accident. We could sort of understand if the dog had been a large dog, along the lines of a mastiff or something. You know, the type of dog that could (probably) barrel through plaster if the situation called for it, and could definitely put a few good dings into the body of a Honda Civic.

Of course, with little dogs, there's the Napoleonic complex, so that may have added to the damages. It's possible, though unlikely, that, in its final gasps, the pooch found a way to hurl its tiny body at the car multiple times, causing dents, all while shredding the wiring underneath. Oh, and it also siphoned off some gas.

The ironic thing is that the driver, a dog owner themselves, seems to be filing the suit so that the dog owners take more responsibility. Pot? This is the kettle, and you're full of water.

It could have been worse, though. After all, the driver could have followed this by forgetting to signal a turn.

Poking Portland

Mysticism may have finally reached one of its most bizarre points when people find ways to apply it to something on a much grander scale. While we can understand the notion of using aromatherapy in high traffic areas, and we can see a benefit to encouraging the I Ching in the work place, we do think that there comes a point where a line must be drawn.

Sadly, that line really should have been drawn before someone decided that the city of Portland needed some good acupuncture.

That's right, folks. There's someone going around, jamming 23-foot-long needles into the ground in order to try and help rebalance the "chi" of the city. And sure, there are plenty of people to shake their heads at this latest act, chalking it up to more of the quirky nature of the city, but come on, people. It's the mission of Austin, TX to be kept weird. For Portland, they just seem to be grasping at straws while they continue to get overshadowed by Seattle.

What's next? Are we going to start rearranging city streets and the architecture of buildings because it disrupts the feng shui of the state?

And in a quick update, remember pants-suing judge? Well, he's now suing to get his job back, plus damages. Seems that he thinks he was merely being a whistle-blower pointing out the corruption of the system. We're of the opinion that he was just a little bit off-kilter to begin with, and, as soon as he discovered that he may have had the wrong pants, he was pushed over the edge.

Actually, it sounds like someone could have used a good session of acupuncture.

Abracadagnabit

There are plenty of things that a person can do to lose their job. Obvious options include theft, belligerence, a tendency to show up wearing only a thong and a smile (although, for some companies, that kind of uniform shows a willingness to move up in the world). Of course, for teachers, it seems, as of late, as though there's really only one thing that they can do to get ousted. We know that this isn't true, but it seems like every time we turn around, there's another teacher having inappropriate office hours with an underage pupil. They can claim that they're simply tutoring the students, but there just aren't that many sex ed classes.

So when we found a story today of a teacher losing their job, we wrote it off as another case of very bad touch. And then we read it. And now we know that you can get fired, at least in Florida, for wizardry.

That's right. After performing a magic trick for students, a substitute teacher was released from employment. Apparently making a toothpick disappear was just outside of the realm of reality for the school, and they took the only action that they could think to take. Thankfully, the teacher hadn't been in the middle of the "Sawed Woman" trick, because we're fairly certain that's one trick you can't just stop halfway.

Oh, and there are also accusations of the substitute not following the given lesson plans, but how can we be certain? Maybe he just made them disappear, or turned them into doves. After all, when wizardry is afoot, we can never be too careful.

Honestly, the school should have been tipped off when the teacher's credentials were delivered by an owl.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 28, 2008

Another Friday, and another month has flipped its calendar pages over, allowing the next pre-determined allotment of days to take the forefront. Meanwhile, we've been trying to figure out just why every month can't have some sort of rodent-centric holiday, and that thought has just been gnawing away at our brains. We think that May would sit comfortably with Flying Squirrel Day, but that might just be us. Anyways, on to today's awards.

Stop! Messing with the Signs Award
The poor town of Oak Lawn, Illinois. In an attempt to get people to pay more attention to their various stop signs, they placed smaller, similarly shaped signs underneath with clever sayings (clever from the perspective of city officials). The town recently removed the smaller signs because, if left unchecked, they could have lost their federal transportation funding. Oddly enough, multiple screenings of "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" can lead to the same result.

Blue Takeover Of Death Award
So, anyone following the tech news knows that something big has been going on this week. That's right, we're talking about the potential buy-out of Yahoo! by Microsoft. Rumors abound that Microsoft is contemplating moving into hostile territory, which obviously means that they are planning on forcing Yahoo! employees to use Vista as their only operating system.

A Lesson About Sharing Award
For years, school children have been taught that sharing is a good thing. Except when it lands you in prison. Apparently, a man who decided to share his Little Debbie snack cake with a fellow inmate violated probation and is being sent to jail, because the man he was sharing with had been denied access to the vending machines. We wonder if he's going to run into the same problem trying to share a Nutty Bar while behind bars.

All (Except for the Guy in the Chevy) Rise Award
America is getting fatter. For proof, simply refer to the fact that a judge recently held court in a parking lot, because the defendant was too obese to walk into the courthouse. The defendant sat in his pickup truck while the judge pronounced his sentence. No word yet on whether Ford, Chevy, or Toyota are planning on using this idea in a commercial. Hummer has already passed, saying that there's no way one of their drivers would have even shown up at court.

Worst Prison Escapee Ever Award
What do you do when you escape from a New Mexico prison in 1982? Well, if you're smart, you don't get arrested again in Texas the same year, unlike some people. That's kind of like quitting McDonald's so that you can work at Burger King. Except we bet that the prison has better benefits.

Mein Plastic Bag Award
It's finally happened. Someone has finally crossed over the final threshold in the ongoing fight to rid the world of plastic bags. A Baltimore city councilman has drawn the connection between using plastic bags while shopping to the Nazi movement. Later connections were drawn between Mussolini and bottled water, and Stalin and the idea of the coupon.

You've Gotta Be Nutz Award
This is a quick follow-up to something from last week. Remember when we mentioned that Florida might be about to ban fake testicles from trucks? Looks like that won't be happening after all. Which is a relief, because the last thing we wanted to see was a bunch of eunuch trucks loitering around, waiting for some sort of automobile harem that they could work at.

A Touching Report Award
You know that the economic situation is serious when the Washington Post profiles how people are saving money at the grocery store. Especially when they highlight someone who can no longer go to multiple stores in one trip and has cut back on the amount of organic food that they purchase. Even more shockingly, the woman may have to cut coupons to save an extra buck or two here and there. We're just surprised that the headline for this article wasn't along the lines of, "Economy Forces Suburbanites Back to Reality".

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, with a dash of whatever it is that keeps us running. In the meantime, take some time out of your busy work schedule to enjoy No Pants Day, but beware of the flying squirrels. Stay safe out there.

Blind drunk

With all the uproar and rage between MADD and Grand Theft Auto IV, we felt it was important to take a step out and talk about some of the serious issues going on.

Wait, who are we kidding? We're going to dive into this one headlong, probably for a few sentences, and then move on to a related tangent. That's just what we do.

Anyways, MADD, stop regurgitating what you've heard about the games. Yes, there is drinking (and the potential for driving) with the story. However, the game is not kind to anyone trying to accomplish said task. Heck, find a way to support the in-game results, and you might actually see fewer drunk drivers on the road. It's not like people actually think that they can locate a floating spinny skull that will give them a rifle and permission (emphasis on "mission") to go off on a kill rampage without repercussions.

Besides, it might be a little more important to worry about the real drunk drivers out there. Like the one's that go out and get blind, stinking drunk.

Wait, what's that?

Oh, sorry. Our bad. Turns out he was blind AND he was stinking drunk.

Yup. The driver, who only admitted blindness after he couldn't find the breathalyzer test, calls himself a good driver, but has been pulled over for drunk driving. Twice. Thankfully, at least on this second time, the owner of the car was also in the vehicle, giving directions and helpful cues to the intoxicated, vision-impaired driver. And you bet that he's facing a fine, too.

So let's make sure that we understand this. In America, people are worried about drunk driving in a video game (never mind the other things that might raise alarm within the game). In Estonia, a blind guy can get arrested more than once for drunk driving.

Yep. Seems like priorities are fairly well-balanced.