Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 23, 2009

Well, the week is coming to a close, and, with it, it's bringing the end of February, as well. That's all well and good, because, as we've mentioned before, we really think that February is just a placeholder until a cooler month with a more appropriate number of days is brought onto the scene. Sure, it's been around for a good long while, but you can't just change the calendar overnight. But one thing that February hasn't been fake about is news stories, so let's get on with our awards, shall we?

Pay to Pee Award
Airlines everywhere seem to be trying to find new ways to get extra money out of their passengers. There have been fuel surcharges, and extra charges for checking bags. Well, how about a charge to use the plane's bathroom? Good thing that the flight attendants aren't walking around offering beverages throughout the whole flight, right?

Pot vs. Kettle Award
So, pretty much everyone has heard stories about how tough it is to work with Axl Rose, right? And how that attitude made it very difficult to put together albums? Well, it turns out that, according to Axl, at least, it wasn't him. It might just have been Slash. The singer badmouthed his former guitarist, and then worked his way through the rest of the band. To his credit, Slash's only comment was, "It didn't take me ten years to release a commercial flop."

Cell Mates Award
A good deal of the time, it probably doesn't really matter who gets put into the same cell with someone else. One of those times where it does make a difference is when one person is a suspect in a murder trial, and the other is a material witness. Shockingly, the witness has decided against testifying, causing the charges to be dropped. They must have just gotten along great behind bars, forming a bond that few can break. Right, that's it. Friendship.

Call of Duty: Geneva Convention Award
We're not sure if this should actually be a "Father of the Year" nominee, or someone who's hopelessly out of touch, but we have to give a nod to the father who decided that his son couldn't play the "Call of Duty" video games unless he both read and followed (at least, in the game world) the Geneva Convention. We actually applaud this, if only because more behavior like this would cut down on the virulent strains of spawn campers and people proclaiming each other's sexual affiliations (always in one direction).

I'm, Like, Sorry, OK? Award
What do you do when you're a bishop taken to task by the Vatican for denying the extent of the Holocaust? Well, if you're the actual bishop being criticized, you apologize. Not for your comments and views, specifically, but for the fact that they made people angry. The Vatican doesn't think that the bishop has gone quite far enough, and next week, they're going to slide him a little further diagonally, allowing that space to be used by a knight.

A Little Control Award
A Colorado Springs store decided to express some frustrations, and posted a sign basically asking parents to keep better watch over their children. The result? A woman began picking up things, throwing them around, and basically having a fit about the sign, until she was tased by the store owner. Later, the woman was seen sitting in a corner for "Time Out", having argued about not being able to watch her favorite episode of "Law and Order" again.

Take a Break Award
Here's a quick tip. If you really have to go and break your back, don't do it while the paramedics are on lunch. Guess it's more important to finish your fish and chips than to find out why someone else's spine crackles like a deep fryer.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, welcoming March to the calendar. Stay safe out there.

Kids are learning

Today, we found two articles that seem linked to each other. Well, not in any actuality, it's more that they both feature similar protagonists. In one story, we're dealing with the working world. In the other, we're talking about marriage. In both, teenagers take a central role.

So, first up we see a story about a teenage girl fired from her job. Why is this news? Apparently, she was fired because she expressed overall boredom with her job on her Facebook page. Yeah, we're still not sure how that's news either. After all, teenagers tend to be bored, or at least claim that they're bored, no matter what they're doing. Given the prevalence of social networking, it shouldn't be a shock that they would then vent about it on the web. The girl didn't mention the company name at all, but she did get to vent her boredom to a large audience than she would normally have (which was previously relegated to anyone within earshot). We wouldn't be surprised if she was at a party, had a great time, and then proceeded to mention online that the party had been "boring".

At least she's not a divorcee, right? That's the case with a 14-year-old girl from Israel. Apparently, she, along with a 17-year-old boy, thought it would be a good idea to go through a mock marriage ceremony, complete with a ritual vow, exchange of ring, and consummation. Sure, they were joking about it, but the rabbis didn't seem to see the humor of the situation, and informed the kids that they were married, and, if they didn't want to continue in their wedded bliss, they'd have to actually go ahead and get divorced.

And well, when you see two kids with their whole lives ahead of them, and they can't make marriage work, it just makes you sad. Sad enough to talk about being bored, at least.

A full house of frustration

It should come as no surprise that the police prefer people to make complaints via phone. After all, that allows them to handle prioritizing of non-emergency calls more easily, and means that they don't have to wait around the police station until someone comes in with a problem.

Oh yeah. And it lets them play poker, too.

Only one problem with that last bit. Apparently, poker was slightly more important than the complaints of a retiree regarding a vacant house he owned. The retiree was given the non-emergency number (on a magnet), and told to call that, even though there were a number of (we hope) off-duty police officers in the building at the time.

Listen, we ourselves are fans of the card games, but there are times and places for everything. While we agree with the concept of playing cards while off-duty, we question the use of the police station. Especially given that people can just walk up and ask you to do work for them.

After all, there's no police motto out there mentioning protect, serve, and look for the straight flush.

Not any better

Have you ever gone into your suitcase, thinking that you'd packed your red swimming suit, but it turns out that you brought the green one instead? Potentially embarrassing, right? But, hey, everyone experiences a packing mistake at one point or anything. It isn't like it can lead to jail time, or anything.

Well, maybe it can. Like, for example, when you "accidentally" packed 52lbs. of cocaine into his suitcase as he was returning from a vacation. We say "accidentally", because, according to the man, he didn't think he was smuggling in drugs. He thought he was smuggling diamonds, instead. Oddly enough, admitting to this didn't really make him look any better to the police, who still decided to go ahead and arrest him, and his wife.

Right. We can kind of see how such a mistake could be made. After all, if you're dealing with simple concepts like weight and (potential) color, sure, diamonds and cocaine could be very similar. Most people might have noticed something about the way that they settled, but we can't simply discount the existence of a brick of diamonds.

Wait, is it possible that the biggest mistake was admitting to smuggling something, but could have sworn you were smuggling something else? Could that possibly have been the error that really spurred everything on?

Man, to make that kind of mistake, you'd really have to be snorting diamonds.

Call a cab

Most people, when they've failed something 75 times, would probably decide that maybe they just weren't cut out to accomplish whatever task they had set before them. If any of them make it to 700, that would surely be the point where they would give up. After all, there are generally limits to even the most persevering person.

Generally. However, giving up is apparently a foreign concept to a South Korean woman, who is bound and determined to succeed in getting a driver's license. Who knows, maybe the 776th time is a charm.

Either the South Korean written test is the most difficult test ever devised, or the concept is simply too bizarre to many, but apparently it isn't uncommon for people to take the test for five years or more before they finally get the 60% needed to pass it. Of course, we can't imagine that most people would have attempted the test that many times over the years, but we can't really identify with the situation. After all, here in America, it seems like you can get a license if you can correctly identify the color red and are at least 15, but could pass for 16.

We really hope that this woman passes her test so that she can finally buy her truck. Until then, we just have to hope that there's good mass transit.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 16, 2009

What a week it's been. Why, it feels like we've only been bringing you stories for four days this week... that may have something to do with us taking Monday to be lazy. It may not, we can't be completely sure. But we've got plenty of awards to toss out this week, so let's get going.

Untruth Award
So remember that story about the Chinese businessman who was holding a contest amongst his mistresses? Yeah, the story may not have as much truth to it as was originally believed. Turns out the author plagiarized the story from somewhere else, and nobody really knows if it ever actually happened. The writer has lost his job, and is now looking to move to Hollywood to start writing a remake of any 80s movie that hasn't been destroyed yet.

You Can't Catch Me Award
Every few days, a new high-speed chase story is found floating around the Web, and many of them revolve around people going the wrong direction on freeways, or having had too much to drink, or simply getting into the chase with a car that shouldn't be pushed to those speeds. This may be the first time that the chase has ended when the suspect wanted their car parked. In her defense, though, sometimes it can be absolutely miserable to get a good parking spot at the airport, and valets know all the tricks.

Kinda Sorry Award
If you've missed the uproar over a certain New York Post editorial cartoon, consider yourself lucky, or out of the news loop. Either way, it seems that the Post has issued an apology. Just so long as you weren't one of those "people who have long-standing differences". Yeah, no apology for you. Even a monkey wouldn't make that mistak---- oops.

Homecoming Drag Queen Award
We've got to give congratulations to George Mason University and their new homecoming queen. Naturally, his selection has lead to a bit of a campus divide, saying it's inopportune timing for a school trying to no longer be seen as a commuter school. Because national attention for a progressive choice can never lead to positive results.

Awkward Award
So, you may not be aware of this, but addressing someone by their disability is considered fairly rude. Alright, you probably knew that, but a company sending out notice of modifications being done to a home didn't seem to get that, as they addressed a letter going to a "Mr. Blindman". Even worse, they didn't bother to write it in Braille.

Seemed Like a Good Idea Award
There are some ideas that just struck people in the moment, and, before too long, are proven to be ill conceived. One of those ideas would have to be engaging in a foursome with people you just met out at the bar. Another would be picking a fight with the other guy in the group because your girlfriend seemed to be enjoying the encounter. The fighters have also been seen beating up vibrators, cucumbers, and shower heads in recent days.

Well, with that lovely imagery, we're going to close out for the week. We'll see you back next week. Stay safe out there!

Irish eyes

Well, that's a huge burden off of our shoulders. Turns out that errors in police work don't just happen in the United States. Okay, we never really believed that they did, but we did figure that most of the newsworthy events would happen on our shores, due to the American penchant for wanting to be the center of global attention more often than not. But leave it to the Irish to insert themselves.

For a few years, it seems that the Irish police have been regularly pulling over a driver named "Prawo Jazdy", and writing tickets. In fact, it got so bad that the police started believing that Jazdy was possibly running around with upwards of 50 alternate identities, which would make them one heck of a criminal.

The problem? "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "Driving License".

As it turns out, there's been a recent immigration of Polish citizens to Ireland, due to a bit of a boom on the Emerald Isle. Consequently, there have been more and more Polish drivers, which directly corresponded to the uptick in "Prawo Jazdy" appearing on offenses. Oh, and before people get overly concerned, the Irish did catch this, in 2007, but it's just starting to hit the news now.

Let's just hope that the Germans don't start an exodus of their own. We don't need to hear about the Gardai pulling over a "Fuehrer Schein".

Deserved

Surprise surprise. College professors have figured out what leads to a good deal of the grade "haggling" that goes on. Apparently, there's some sort of sense of entitlement going through students.

Shocking, isn't it? To think, there are college students (and probably high school students as well) who feel that just showing up in class can get them a "B". If they read the material and take the tests, well, then, that just has to be "A" city, now doesn't it?

This is something that's been building for awhile, and college professors seem reluctant to let it continue. In fact, according to the article, the professors are expecting to be able to give out grades of "C" to students that do just what is necessary, reserving the higher grades for those students who stand out. Oh, and putting in a lot of effort isn't enough, either. These instructors expect students to show things such as comprehension and deeper thinking on subjects.

Why, with expectations like this, we could actually see college graduates providing an almost immediate benefit to society. Just as long as said benefit is handed to them.

Rough decision

Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions. In today's tough economic times, it becomes even more important to make wise decisions for your own financial future. Just ask a Chinese tycoon who realized that he had to pare down his number of mistresses, since he was providing them each a monthly stipend.

So, to help him weed his way from five to one, he held a small pageant. Which went great until one of the mistresses "laid off" decided to get a little payback, and did so by driving herself, her rivals, and her (former) employer off of a cliff.

This just makes us sad. Not only for the way that the girl handled her termination, but that there are people out there who have to decide which illicit affair to keep having, regardless of the economic climate. Although we do have to point out that, for the tycoon, his decision just got easier. Something about his wife, and the remaining mistresses, leaving him to his own devices.

But hey, you just can't keep a catch like that single for long.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 9, 2009

Well, folks, this will forever be known as the week that the stimulus plan was passed. You know, unless they need to put together another stimulus package. But, well, that's important news, and you've all probably seen a little bit about it here or there. It's also the week of the octomom, but she's just creepy, so we're probably not going to say too much about her. Anyways, on to the awards.

Maybe it IS a Clown Car Award
Okay, so we said we wouldn't really talk about the octomom. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about her fertility doctor, and the fact that he's got another multiple births coming down the pipe in the next few months. Seems that he's gotten a woman pregnant with quadruplets, after depositing seven embryos into her. Oh, and she's currently hospitalized, because the strain may be too much for her body to take. Also, this is a field were anything more than twins is considered a "poor outcome". If only there was some sort of committee that would look into regulating medical treatment, or possibly even an ethics board or something.

Worthless Award
We all know people who really wish that it was their job to do absolutely nothing. Well, it turns out that it may not be all that great in the long run, as the Cheboygan County, MI, drain commissioner has asked to be fired, due to the overall lack of drains in Cheboygan County. It's exactly that kind of honesty that has kept the person from being elected to anything OTHER than "drain commissioner".

Seeing Red Award
Just a quick tip, folks. When you're pulled over for running a red light, don't tell the police that you ran the light "because it was red". They probably won't like that too much. You know, unless you can prove that you're also part bull.

Self-Stealing Truck Award
What would you do if you came out of a convenience store to find your truck missing? Well, like most people, you'd probably call the police. What would you do when the police found that the truck had backed itself into a parking spot across the street? We'd suggest placing the vehicle in park, and removing the keys from the ignition.

Bless You, Unemployment Award
Leave it to a high-ranking member of the Church of England to put this whole economic downturn into perspective. According to him, losing your job might actually be a blessing, as it could allow you to "reconsider what you really want out of life." This works even better if one determines that regular meals and a stable home environment are just not that important anymore.

And that wraps it up for our awards this week. We'll see you next week, after we make it past the holiday bump. Stay safe out there.

Drink, crash, profit

People are always looking for the mysterious second component to their plans. You know what plans we're talking about. They generally start with step one being something random, and step three being profit. It's always that second step that proves elusive.

Well, a 19-year-old Illinois man figured out a step two that went along with his personal step one, which was to underage drink. His step two? Getting into an accident, and becoming paralyzed.

How did he profit from this turn of events? Simple. He simply turned around and sued the mother of the two girls who were providing the drink at the party he attended. Why the mother? Well, the girls were underaged, too. So it's not like they could have been held responsible.

Except, according to all indications, the mother didn't provide the alcohol. In fact, she didn't even know that something was happening at her house. Sure, her daughters had been caught drinking before, but that's not a definite indication that they would again (it's a good sign, but it's no guarantee). The man left the house intoxicated, crashed his car, and found a way to the result achieved above.

Look, we're all in favor of putting a stop to underage drinking, but there also should be a level of personal responsibility. The fact that the man, who was old enough to vote, enlist, and do a number of other adult things, was awarded millions of dollars, largely due to his own negligence, seems ridiculous.

Besides, we all know he's just going to spend the money on booze.

Losing a leg to stand on

We admit to being torn today. A large part of us wanted to highlight an article that mentioned how body language can give indications of wealth. Something about rich people generally using ruder gestures, which nobody saw coming. There was another part of us that wanted to talk about the Scientology vault that's being built in Wyoming, if for no other reason than because it was actually told to stop being built. Something about permits.

But instead, we found a story coming from the Vatican. A story that is certainly interesting, especially in light of recent perspectives revolving around how humanity got to be the way that we are (no, not morally bankrupt in too many cases; we're talking bipedal, among other things). It could send shivers through the education community.

Why is that? Because the Vatican has come out saying that Darwin's theories of evolution are actually completely compatible with Christian doctrine. Even more to the point, the Church seems ready to remove further power from the concept of "Intelligent Design", by examining it as a "cultural phenomenon".

So what now? Intelligent design has been used by people unwilling to accept evolution, often because they feel it disagrees with their religious beliefs. Now the Church, which never really condemned Darwin's concepts in the first place, is saying that evolution is a fine fit, and they're not even looking at the alternative created by religious individuals as a viable option. At least, not really. Will this lead to fewer arguments and more open, honest discussion about how something so rooted in science could fit together with a more religious approach? Will people strive for greater understanding? Or will people dig their heels in even more, and insist that intelligent design is somehow more valid?

This is what we could be researching. Instead, we get to learn how the rich are ruder than the poor.

Probably because they don't have to drink Thunderbird.

He said, she said

So many arguments start because of a simple disagreement or misunderstanding. While a fair number of these arguments will actually escalate to physical confrontation, it seems like actual fisticuffs aren't thrown unless there's something major as an underlying cause to the argument. Even then, it's generally in the more extreme cases.

But, darn it all, people can just get so worked up about when the library opens.

That's what sparked a confrontation between a Massachusetts man and his live-in girlfriend. The fight started at 11am, and continued until 4pm, with the man allegedly punching the woman in the head when she tried to leave. It was until his cell phone rang three hours later that she was able to escape.

Seriously, people? Going to those extremes after bickering over whether the library opens at 10 or at 11? That seems a little unreasonable. Of course, one of these individuals felt that the best way to keep someone from leaving was to punch them in the head, so, you know, points for effectiveness, but many more docked for rational thinking. Especially when there are some very quick and easy ways to solve the argument as it was laid out.

Unless the man was asking because he really needed to return some Jane Austen novels he'd checked out. After all, nobody wants a library fine these days.

Taking a break

Maybe more criminals need to exercise. Not that we really want to see a bunch of really physically fit crooks out there, making life harder for police officers and average citizens, but it might have finally reached that point.

After all, when someone tries to rob a store, makes off with a couple of beers, and then sits on a bench right outside, it definitely raises some alarm.

Yes, you read that correctly. A man stole two beers after failing to get any more than that from the clerk, and was found a short time later on a bench outside of the store. Naturally, at this point, he decided to try to resist arrest, but, after having gone the distance of, literally, yards for his getaway, the crook wasn't able to do much more than get handcuffed.

Of course, we've had the warning signs for years. Obesity has been going up and up, and people haven't really been putting much of a stop to it. So it's no surprise, especially with today's economy, that people who aren't in the best shape of their lives are making the move to crime. Oh, and we should note that, if the man had made it to the store approximately thirty minutes earlier, he might not have needed to try and rob the place.

We just hope that the beer was really tasty.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 26, 2009

January is coming to a close, which means that spring is sneaking up on us. How do we know this? Easy! Sunday we'll get to find out just how close spring is! Sure, we could just look at a calendar and tick off the weeks, but why should we bother doing that when we've got a rodent that can help us out? Besides, they seem to be one of the few creatures that are recession-proof, and we've got to give some credit to that. Anyway, here are our awards for this week.

Lying While Standing Award
We all know that you aren't supposed to lie when you're on the stand during a trial. Well, you shouldn't lie in general, but this is much more specific. But what happens when the police are the ones lying? Oh, if only there was some sort of punishment that could be given out to people who lie while under oath...

Greased Palm Award
This may come as a shock to people, but not all strip clubs in Las Vegas are created equal. Sure, they have the same basic building blocks when it comes to their construction, but some get more of a, um, leg up, when it comes to business. That extra boost often comes from taxi cab drivers. Even more shocking, often the cabbies hype the places that offer them the biggest kickbacks. It's almost like there's an entire seedy underculture to the vibrant, family-oriented entertainment that Las Vegas is so well known for.

Stolen for Trade Award
What would you do if your car was stolen? Probably call the police, hoping that they'd find it. What would you do if your stolen car was returned? More specifically, if it was returned by the people who stole it in the first place? That's exactly what happened to a California woman, when the thief decided that he didn't want her Mustang in the first place, and then proceeded to steal a neighbors Toyota.. Insert your own joke about people not even wanting a free Ford.

Look at the Cups, Man Award
So maybe news has been a little slow ever since the new President was sworn into office. Or maybe journalists are trying to fill space in an attempt to prove their worth. Either way, we get a story about how cups from 7-11 commemorating the inauguration may be flipping us off. Just think, a few short weeks ago, we weren't wondering if there were cups giving us the middle finger. We were wondering if it was the Vice President.

PJs for the Homeless Award
No, it's not what you think. The city of Denver, in order to show support for the fight against homelessness, encouraged residents to wear pajamas all day, culminating in a pajama party to raise money. Well, you know what they say. If it works for Victoria's Secret...

Happy Birthday, Champ Award
This is a sweet story, and we just have to close out our awards with it. A Nevada kindergartner got the birthday surprise of his life when he opened an over-sized present, and found that the gift was his father, back from a tour of duty in Iraq. The first sign that it might have been his father? Giant air holes punched around the lid of the box, and a water bottle filled with Coors Light.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be away next week doing our civic duty, but we'll see you in a few. Stay safe out there.

Name recognition

Sometimes, being known is a good thing. It can open up doors for you, both figuratively and literally, as people may just be willing to bend over backwards to help out. It can lead to new and exciting career choices, or it can allow you to utilize your mind now for greater opportunities later.

Of course, having name recognition isn't always a good thing, and it can backfire. Sure, being an intern with the District Attorney, and an up-and-coming lawyer to boot, can help out when you're interacting with the police. Unfortunately, when you're drunk, ordering them to drive you home, and are the targets of some of your vitriol, maybe being known isn't such a good thing.

Forgetting key things like the Miranda Code, a young lawyer-to-be from Harvard may have watched his career get drained quicker than a bottle of tequila over the weekend, as he ordered police to drive him home while he was drunk, because he was an intern for the DA. Among some of the young man's other highlights? Insulting the police, pointing out why people don't like them, planning to lie and cheat to hurt them in court, and calling the DA an "expletive". We're not entirely sure how exactly a person could be a type of word in our language, but we're willing to go with it. It's not like a paper would sensor itself because young, impressionable minds might read it.

In fact, maybe they should have used the real words. After all, the star of the story is a fairly young, impressionable mind himself. And maybe, if he'd been able to see something along these lines earlier in his own development, he might have been able to avoid the pitfalls that he found himself in.

Of course, he also might never have gotten a ride that night.

A family reunion

People miss their families. We get that. We really do. We just think that there are times when people go a little too extreme when it comes to trying to reconnect with loved ones they haven't seen in awhile.

For example, it's a little over-the-top to get yourself arrested so that you can spend more time with your convict sibling.

And yet, that's exactly what a Michigan man did recently. After breaking into a gas station, the man dialed 911 on himself, and informed the police that he wanted to be arrested so that he and his brother could have a little more quality time.

Isn't that what visitations are for? Sure, it's not a super long time, and, depending on the crime, a lot of the visitation is done through a tinny telephone connection, but come on? Getting yourself arrested just because your brother's in jail? That's definitely a new level of familial commitment.

We just have to wonder if the two men will really be spending too much time together while in prison. On one hand, they are brothers, and could probably help watch each other's back. On the other hand, one of them did set out to get arrested so that they could have that special time together.

Although, if we've learned anything from sitcoms, we can rest assured that hijinks will happen. It's a rule with siblings behind bars.

Some people's children

At one time or another, a large number of Americans have used false identification. Sometimes, they're doing it because they want to get into a club and they aren't 21 yet. Other times, it's because they're a celebrity and are trying to hide from the paparazzi. And then there's always the people who are just paranoid and don't like to be too exposed. But it's a relatively common occurrence, and therefore isn't generally newsworthy.

We say "generally". After all, it isn't all that common that the person with the false identification complains to the police after a club turned her away.

To make things worse, the 15-year-old girl was in a different nightclub when the officers went to arrest her, and, after giving a pile of false information, she tried to run, only to be foiled by a speed bump. Oh, and when the police talked to her grandmother, it turned out that she was a runaway.

Man, kids these days. Back when we were 15, we never would have considered going to the police to complain that our fake ID didn't work.

You know, unless we knew the cops really well.

The wonder drug

Not long ago, we got to highlight an article about coffee, and how people that drank more of the wonderful stuff were more likely to "suffer" from hallucinations and paranormal experiences. Right, because anyone really suffers from those things (we kid, we kid). Anyways, it turns out that coffee has more to it than just granting the ability to see things.

It could also keep you from suffering from dementia.

While these two effects may not go hand-in-hand with each other, it does give some new hope to people who regularly take in the black gold of the coffee bean. Sure, with enough of it, you might start seeing ghosts wandering around your house, but you'll also be comforted to know that you're much less likely to develop Alzheimer's. You're also less likely to develop diabetes.

The study mainly focused on people that drank between 3 and 5 cups per day, noting that, while there were people in the study who drank more than that, the number was statistically irrelevant. Well, darn it, we take offense to that. Why exclude OUR people from such a study? Sure, your research shows that they may be even less likely, but you're cutting out an important part of your findings by eliminating that particular group.

Besides, it's good to know how many college students are prime candidates for dementia later in life. It would certainly explain some research subjects.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 19, 2009

What a week this has been. We've seen a new President being sworn in (something that only took a couple of tries, too... you'd think they would have had a dress rehearsal or something), we've watched an old President leave in a helicopter, and we've seen the former Vice President melt away into the shadows, once again content to haunt the dreams of children from the depths of their closets. There's even been news that didn't originate in Washington, DC, and that's what we're here for. So let's get these awards started, shall we?

The Sweet Smell of Theft Award
Sometimes, people just need the essentials. Sometimes, people need a lot of the essentials, possibly because they're planning an extended trip into the wilderness, with no stores nearby. And, well, sometimes people just grab a lot of the essentials because they're a little off-kilter. That's probably the case with the Buffalo man arrested for stealing 44 sticks of deodorant, and putting them down his pants. In his defense, he was just trying to use the deodorant to cover up the smell of Axe body spray.

Cowabunga Award
A sad story emerged out of the University of Cincinnati recently, as a man was robbed, with money taken directly from the wallet he left haphazardly lying around. Correction, it was his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wallet. The wallet was left, but now the student has no idea of how to purchase a pizza.

Do Not Call Award
Maybe they're doing something wrong in Canada. It seems that the "Do Not Call" registry hasn't quite worked the way they intended. In fact, the lists are being bought by telemarketers and scam artists to give them a new list of targets. Canadian officials are aware of the problem, but are unsure of how to solve it. Obviously, NOT SELLING THE LISTS would be too obvious.

PopeTube Award
Finally, there's a place we can turn to when we need our inspiration, but are stuck at the computer. Sure, there may have been other semi-religious (or very religious) sites and pages out there, but now we can get the Word directly from the horse's mouth. That's right, folks, the Vatican has their own YouTube channel. It won't be long now before those pictures of naked nuns are actual nuns.

Drinking Driving Twofer Award
We've had stories like this before, but we just can't avoid them. After all, when one person gets busted for drunk driving, it's a normal event. When a second person gets busted, you can assume it's been a party. When they both get busted in the same car, well, there's a reason they got caught for drunk driving. In all fairness, the recent weather has made roads slippery, and therefore much harder for drunks to steer on.

Out of Work Award
What do you do when you're an elected official, and you lose your re-election bid? Well, most candidates fade away from the public spotlight. Some launch lengthy court battles to keep their positions. And still others file for unemployment, citing "lost election/fired" as the reason they deserve the compensation. So at least there's hope, right?

Fight Fight Fight Award
What could possibly go wrong with an open bar party and an Ultimate Fighting Championship on the pay-per-view? Would you believe that guests fought amongst themselves? People, people, people... this is exactly how Backyard Wrestling got started. Do we really need to go down that path again?

Well that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, as we close out January, and prep ourselves for a little civil service. Stay safe out there.

Real thinkers

People make mistakes. It just goes with the territory of being human. While many mistakes that get made are harmless, and possibly amusing, some can cause quite a bit of discomfort. And then, of course, there are things that people do that may not seem like mistakes until after the fact. However, we can't simply write about mistakes that became apparent in the shining light of the past.

So instead, we have to find examples that really may not have displayed the best judgement.

Take, for example, an interview with an oil company executive. When asked about gas prices, he tried to joke that they were "too low". Right, because your company just isn't making quite as obscene of profits as it was when gas cost $4/gallon? Oh, that's right, you only charged that much because you needed to cover your own costs. None of that money went into your company's coffers. You know, except for that record-setting profit you got to make each month that prices went up. Listen, when the country is in a recession, and people are scraping and scratching for money, the last thing you should probably do is talk about something being too cheap, especially when you aren't the one who isn't sure if they'll be able to afford that box of macaroni and cheese later on.

Speaking of scratching for money, that's the subject of our second story today. We do we highlight this one? Well, because it's about a woman who may very well have won a lot of money off of a scratch-off lottery ticket. Because she didn't believe it herself, she gave the ticket to a friend and asked them to take it to a gas station to verify the winnings. Now, at this point, a few things leap out at us. First off, why have it taken to a gas station? It's not like they will happen to have that much money on-hand, in case someone does win multiple thousands off of a ticket. Secondly, why would she pass the ticket to a friend to verify? Sure, there are always people out there who would do exactly what was asked of them in this situation, but there are plenty of others who would seek some sort of commission for having to do the leg work. In this situation, the "friend" decided that their commission was 100%, and scampered away with the ticket.

Who knows, though? Maybe the friend is sitting on the ticket, waiting until gas prices rise to a more normal level.

Our leader could beat up your leader

Here in America, yesterday was a day of pomp, circumstance, celebration, inebriation, and lots and lots of music. Oh, and we swore in a new leader, which may have had something to do with the aforementioned things. Or not. We can't be positive.

Meanwhile, over the weekend, New Zealanders got to witness something, too. No, they didn't elect a new leader and put him in office. What they did get to see was the person running their country shake the hands of around 120 rugby players.

Not impressed? Well, now realize that he did it with a broken arm, and went to the hospital afterwards.

That's right, America. We can be proud of having recently elected someone who has given the world hope again, someone who makes people think that maybe, just maybe, we'll have a President who listens to the people. New Zealand, meanwhile, will be proud knowing that their prime minister can fall, snap his arm, meet up with rugby players (possibly playing a scrum or two, the story doesn't say), and then wander off to the hospital because it wasn't "quite right". Can we say the same thing about our new President, or any past office holder? Sure, we had the President that understood the first part of the equation (the falling part), but what did he do with it? Did he play some football before heading off to get an x-ray? No, he instead chose to lead a long, semi-successful acting career, until his ill-fated late-night talk show.

What? Chevy Chase was President once, right?

Drunk on the job

It wasn't long ago that certain people in South America were told that being drunk could no longer get them fired, Iowa City is looking in a different direction. While they aren't outright threatening firing, they are planning something else, and it affects establishments that sell alcohol.

They're considering random breath testing for wait staff and entertainment.

On one hand, this move actually makes sense. If wait staff, bartenders, and/or bouncers are able to drink during the course of their duties, it could certainly impair their judgement, and could lead to people sneaking fake IDs past, or possibly people drinking beyond the point where they should have been cut off. After all, those that are responsible for directly giving access to the bar, or handing off the liquor to customers, should be held accountable, and testing their sobriety during a shift makes sense.

But entertainers? This could usher in a strange time. We could start seeing stand-up comedians regularly drinking soda or water (which, again, makes some sense, with their reliance on speech). But musicians, as well? Given that part of a bar's payment to entertainment often lumps in at least a discount on purchases from the bar, this could lead to bars either being expected to pay more actual money to their entertainers, or to those entertainers being expected to get paid even less. While there are always people who make it big, for every one that does, there are literally hundreds (if not thousands) who are scraping by, and a free beer now and then can help make ends meet.

Although, if it keeps people from getting too drunk, then it's all for the best. After all, the world really only needs one Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, or Ron White.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 12, 2009

Another week, and another round of awards. We've decided to avoid taking any shots at the outgoing President. After all, this is his last full week on the job, and he probably needs a pick-me-up wherever he can get it. But that's alright, because we've got plenty of other stories to share, so let's get rolling.

Pet of the Sea Award
Have you ever sat around thinking that fish get a raw deal? We're not talking about when they're used for sushi, we're talking about how people just seem to take them for granted. Well, we haven't either, but that's not going to stop PETA, who are looking to spin a new PR campaign for fish by starting to call them "Sea Kittens". Silly PETA. Cats are afraid of water.

Hail Mary Award
A Chilean fashion designer is drawing the ire of the Catholic church, thanks to a new show he's got planned that feature *gasp* attractive busty women dressed as the Virgin Mary. The breasts were described as "ample, near-naked". Which is just crazy, because everyone knows that Mary was an A cup. Now Salome, on the other hand...

No Pope, No Hope Award
Speaking of the Church, the Vatican has released some of the details about how they deal with the worst of sins. These are sins that can only be forgiven by the Pope, which means that things like murder and genocide aren't on the list. So what is? Defiling the Eucharist, abusing the confidentiality of the confessional, and assassinating the Pope. Yeah, that last one really becomes a pain to get absolution for, what with the victim being the guy who can actually help out.

Stopping the Buck Award
The state of Florida made a fairly big mistake a few years back, selling private information garnered from licensed drivers to marketing firms. Information included things like date of birth, social security numbers and medical condition. The settlement, which is in the $10M range, will of course see proceeds going to Florida drivers. To the tune of $1 per. Because nothing makes us feel better after our personal information is sold than a Taco Bell burrito.

Gassy Planet Award
Scientists observing from Earth have found that Mars is practically belching methane gas, which could indicate life. While scientists can't be certain that the cause is biological, it at least shows them at Mars itself is still going through changes. In the meantime, Jupiter has been seen sneaking around Mars' bathroom cabinet, depositing packets of Gas-X.

... is Feeling Stabby Award
How can you be pretty certain that you'll be arrested for premeditated homicide? Post your consideration of it on your Facebook page. Oh, social networking. Is there nothing you can't do (obviously, other than teaching people not to talk about or show pictures of crime on their personal pages)?

Ah, Regret Award
We've heard of plenty of people who do things that they later regret. We don't often hear about people who then attempt to sue over evidence of those events. That's just what a woman from Florida did, though, after pictures and video of her participation in wet t-shirt contests, a banana eating contests, and a "sexual positions" contest appeared. The judge, however, ruled against her, due to a lack of evidence, and the fact that it did not "create the impression of an actual sex act". So, we're guessing that she lost the last contest, then.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you after the long weekend is over, when a new President is sworn in, and all of the cartoon animals appear from their long, dark, hibernation to sway along with music and dance. Or something like that. Stay safe out there.

No, you drive

It's always a good plan, after a night of drinking, to make sure that you have a designated driver. It's probably a better plan to let that person actually do the driving, but there are people that just want to buck the trend, and keep a DD on hand just in case they get a little sleepy.

And then there's a couple of people in New York, who didn't quite get a hang of the concept. Sure, the driver pulled the car over, and changed spots with the passenger, because he was too drunk to drive. The only problem?

The passenger was drunk, too.

The two were noticed by the police while they were pulled over to the side of the road, trading places in the vehicle. Unfortunately for them, they didn't suddenly become Dan Aykroyd or Eddie Murphy, and by trading places, they didn't miraculously sober up, as was proven by the immediate tailgating of another vehicle. One can assume that a couple of older gentlemen may have had a bet placed on the outcome, but we can't be certain, because the two drivers were both charged with DWIs.

This is a prime example of how simply selecting a designated driver in your head doesn't do the job. In fact, both people may have assumed that the other would avoid drinking, so that they'd have a safe passage home, and yet both found themselves in no condition to be driving.

Of course, it's more likely that neither man was even thinking about remaining sober. In fact, there's a good chance that the cry of, "Let's see how many shots we can do" was echoed out at some point before the two left the bars.

Oh, if only they'd had a third person with them. Except, with their luck, it would have been a third drunk person.

One coffee, Mr. Leprechaun

We almost feel obligated to write about this story. After all, look at our title, and you'll see that the news is about a subject near and dear to our hearts. Well, maybe near and dear to our stomachs, bladders, and brain chemistry, but those are all relatively close to the heart. Besides, it's not every day that we get to learn new and wonderful things that coffee can do for us, but today is one of those days.

So, coffee, we knew many of the benefits you provided, but we had no idea that you helped us communicate with the dead and have hallucinations. Good work indeed.

According to a study done in the UK (who seem to get all of the best studies), heavy coffee drinkers are more prone to seeing things and thinking they can communicate with ghosts than people who only have a little caffeine every day. Basically, anyone that had the caffeine equivalent of seven cups were about three times as likely to have some sort of extra-sensory experience.

What this tells us is that caffeine has benefits that we never understood. Sure, we were used to the idea that it helped give us a quick jolt to stay awake, and, in moderation, may even help us maintain our focus on the task at hand. We've even utilized it for its ability to, um, get things moving, if you catch our drift. But now we know that coffee can help us speak to grandma one more time, or at least maybe find out why our car keys keep getting moved off of the shelf we set them down on.

Now, if you don't mind, we're off to get another cup. That unicorn with the muffins on its horn won't be there all day.

Opposable thumbs triumph

Take that, all of you creatures out there that don't have opposable thumbs. You can't grip things the same way that we humans can, and we're finally taking a stand. Sure, for centuries we've been able to do things that you can't, like hold onto bottles and give a definite sign showing our pleasure our displeasure (used to great effect in movie reviewing), but we've always had a bit of a monkey on our backs about the whole thing. So we've finally decided that enough is enough, and we've made our stand in a small Alabama town.

Oh yeah, animals. Take that. We've kicked one of your own out of the post office! In your face, which you could wipe off with a tissue if only your thumbs worked like ours.

Sure, it may seem like a token gesture to boot a cat out of the post office, but this is a significant in opposable vs. non-opposable history. Sure, there are some softies in the human contingent that are trying to step around the decrees set down by a right-thinking individual by getting the cat a PO box, but come on, people. It doesn't pay taxes. It shouldn't be allowed to traipse wherever it chooses, because, in some of those places, it might just decide to give itself a bath. And not with soap, because that requires a fully functional thumb.

Oh, this is a beautiful moment for humanity. Sure, plenty of people may think that it's a crazy (and empty) gesture made by someone who might need a little stress ball, but we think it's a great step forward.

Next on our list are those with prehensile tails. Seriously, what good is grabbing things with something that's behind you? Sheesh.

Thinking of the children

While we aren't parents ourselves, we can see how it would be hard for people raising children in today's world. From the economic turmoil to pointing out that the first-born was conceived at home due to gas prices being too high for Mommy and Daddy to get a nice hotel room for their anniversary all the way to the question of just how much television is too much, it's a rough world. So it's a good thing that there are parents out there who are helping to pave the road for everyone else.

Take, for example, a mother from Florida, who is upset about a belt worn by a doll she bought for her daughter. The mother believes that the belt, which reads "Enter", crosses the line, and is too sexually explicit for a Bratz doll.

Wait, what? There's something too explicit for a Bratz doll? Maybe we're wrong, but aren't these the dolls that are basically dressed like what Barbie would wear if she was trying to skank it up a bit for a night on the town? Aren't Bratz to the doll world what the Pussycat Dolls are to the music world; overly made-up tarts who are shameless knock-offs of more successful figures?

Well, thank goodness that there's a mother out there who just won't tolerate this kind of filth. Sure, she could decide to stop buying Bratz dolls entirely, given that the dolls stray towards "stripperish", but instead, she's offended about the word "Enter". And yes, we do feel that the word itself, especially in that location, does cross lines that should remain uncrossed, but we also don't think that's anywhere near to the worst thing about the Bratz line.

After all, we'd hate for our own future children to believe that you can pluralize things by adding a "z" to the end of a word.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 5, 2009

Welcome to our first awards for the year 2009. We definitely enjoyed the run through 2008, and we're looking ahead to this year, which will undoubtedly bring us more craziness in the form of elected officials, crazy criminals, and simply goofy events from around the world. In fact, it looks like today's awards have a little bit of all that, so we're just going to dive into the deep end.

Blagoje-peached Award
Well, that didn't take long. After it first surfaced that he just might be a little corrupt, it really did beg the question as to how long Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich would remain in office. The first volley has now been fired, as the Illinois House has voted to impeach the governor. If only there was an Illinois politician who the nation could look towards to help restore state and national image...

Red Ticker Tape Award
You know that there's something wrong with your country when you actually sponsor a contest where the winner is somehow who had to wade through the most ridiculous amount of red tape. Even worse when the contest is sponsored by the government. Meanwhile, the US Senate merely looks at the requirements the Mexican winner went through as a minor inconvenience, and they vow to deliberate for weeks on whether or not they can get even more ridiculous, before deciding to actually make an impact in the final week of the year.

Stripped Down Economics Award
We understand. Nobody likes paying taxes. But that's no reason to go around not claiming your tips as income. Especially when you get $80,000 in one year for taking your clothes off. On the plus side, that medical degree should totally be paid off by now.

Sex Sells Award
We know, we know, the title of this award seems like a bit of a "duh" moment, but you'd also think that people would see a sexually provocative ad for a lingerie and sex toy shop and register the same thing. You know, unless they're in Britain, where they think it's a little much. Because sex shops shouldn't advertise sex. That's what prime time television is for.

Britney the Chaste Award
This may come as a shock to some people, but Britney Spears has grown up. She's even singing dirty songs now. Admittedly, getting children to sing "If You Seek Amy" (read it to yourself) could be funny while sitting with just the family, it can be embarrassing when at church or a restaurant. You know, unless you plan on putting video of it on YouTube.

Seems Legit Award
Moving on from the sexually charged stories, we find a story of a woman who admitted to embezzling thousands from her employer. But that's okay, because she was totally going to pay it back when she got her millions from a Nigerian princess. In other news, people still haven't figured out that giving strangers money over the internet in return for promises of greater money won't really pay off.

Ol' Crazy Eyes Award
When plucking out your own eyeball isn't enough to get you off of death row, what do you do? If you're a Texas inmate, you wait four years, then pluck out your other eye and eat it. The man is now in psychiatric counseling, and is hoping to record a duet of "I Can See Clearly Now" with Stevie Wonder.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this first week of the year. We'll see you next week, as we inch ever closer to the final day of the Gdub Administration, and the first day of, depending on who you ask, complete destruction or the return of Eden. Stay safe out there.

You might be Minnesotan if...

There are a lot of ways to indicate that you just might be a Minnesotan. Obviously, the first and foremost is that you live in the state that may have just elected a comedian to higher office. Another sign would be wearing shorts throughout December, only putting on pants in January because it's "a little nippy". And still another sign would, naturally, be having ice houses set up around lakes in the Twin Cities.

Ah, but don't go assuming that your ice house is just as secure as your regular house. In fact, if you decide to put fancy electronics like stereos and flat-screen TVs in there, you might just get robbed.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, not the robbing part, but that's true, too. What you read correctly was that people have been using expensive electronics inside of their ice houses. While we understand that ice fishing can be a slow way to pass the time, we can't really comprehend wanting to bring something large and valuable out onto the ice. Sure, the lakes are going to be frozen over until at least March, but this is also a state where people drive trucks out onto ice that's barely frozen solid, and other people lose their ice houses entirely because they forgot to get the thing OFF of the ice before the spring thaw.

In fact, just about the only thing we can really imagine bringing into an ice house (other than ice fishing equipment and ways to keep yourself warm) would be a case of Ice House. It won't make the beer taste any better, but enough of it, and you won't care how cold it is, or how it's been since a fish toyed with your line.

Although we would miss catching up on "Judge Judy" while we're out there.

Not in the book

We understand that these are tough economic times. We know that it's hard for people to make ends meet, and sometimes, it seems like the best option is to supplement your paychecks with a little discounted shopping. And, by discounted, we mean a 100% discount.

But here's a quick tip if that's a course of action you really feel you need to take. Leave your kids at home.

We know that family time, much like money, is something people just don't have enough of these days. And yet, that doesn't excuse the trip taken by the family mentioned in the article. Especially since it seems that only one parent was really involved in the shoplifting. The other parent could easily have stayed home, watching the little ones and an episode of Dora the Explorer. Of course, we highly doubt that these tips we've included are also part of the book "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom", which was part of the attempted shoplifting loot. In fact, we'd be surprised if there's a section of petty larceny at all in the book.

After all, some authors just don't know how to market to an expanded audience.

Snow White and the seven vertically challenged men

We really toyed with writing a story about how Canadians are being taught how to shovel snow. Yes, you read that correctly. One would think that Canadians would know all about snow, but apparently that's not the case. And yet, one story climbed over the top of the mound of fresh powder and snapped our attention. Quite possibly, this is because we remember a book written some years ago as a humorous update to many fairy tales of old.

It may be time to revive the printing of said book, as it seems that large numbers of parents are abandoning reading and telling fairy tales to their children. While some parents are citing that the stories could be scary for little ones, a large number are refusing to keep the stories alive for a different reason.

It's because they aren't politically correct.

Well, heck, we knew all along that the stories weren't PC. But that isn't going to stop us from relating them to our kids when we have them. Heck no. If anything, these stories almost need to be told because they help gain an understanding of the time they were written in. Especially for many of these tales, that have been used for centuries to help relay messages to children, and to help fuel imaginations. But, for some parents (probably raised on these very same fairy tales, mind you), the stories just shouldn't be, because of the potentially harmful terms used in the stories.

In many ways, this would be like going back to classic movies and removing scenes because of the fact that they also aren't PC. And what really is PC, these days? After all, don't the terms change every couple of years, because of a change in sensitivities around the words? Some phrases that weren't acceptable a mere ten years ago have been made acceptable once again. In fact, to stay on the cutting edge of what is and what isn't politically correct, you'd have to have some sort of lens into the future.

Besides, we're fairly certain that "Goldilocks and the Three Ursine Americans" just won't have the same ring.

Hip hip brr

Oh, poor Alaska. Here you are, the 49th state, home of the former Vice Presidential candidate (who can, incidentally, see Russia from her house), and now you're getting ready to celebrate your 50th year of statehood. You're only 100 years behind Minnesota, but you do share something in common.

It's freaking cold.

Admittedly, Minnesota hasn't had to cancel fireworks yet because of the cold, but give the state time. After all, Alaska, you're not that much further north, really. And hey, you've got things to look forward to.

For example, you can look forward to the eventual thawing of the planet that will bring your temperatures back into a reasonable range. You can look forward to knowing that tabloids want pictures of your governor's grandchild. And you can look forward to those shiny fireworks. Possibly later on this week, even, according to organizers who are hoping that temperatures near 30 below zero won't be enough to snuff the fires used to light the wicks.

And yet we're supposed to believe that the vampires in 30 Days of Night didn't need at least a jacket. Right...

Year End Wrap Around

Yes, we know that the year officially ended after that magical second on Wednesday night. And yet, here we sit, not quite ready to let the end of the year go quite yet. This is due to a number of things, ranging from the fact that yesterday was a vacation day, today's a Friday, and we're just all around lazy when it comes to finding stories for today. But that's just fine by us, which is why we present to you today's list...

The Top 7 Days of the Week

7. Tuesday
There's really nothing glamorous about Tuesdays. Sure, they aren't Mondays, but at least Monday gets people riled up and passionate. Tuesday? People are just hoping that there's something on television.

6. Thursday
Thursday isn't much better than Tuesday in the grand scheme of things. It's not quite Friday, but it's closer than Wednesday is. In fact, the only thing that Thursday really has going for it is that it is sort of the beginning of the weekend, or at least it was in college. And when a day is best looked at as an excuse to get to the bars early, you know it's got problems.

5. Sunday
We feel bad bashing on a weekend day, specifically the day of rest, but there's just one major problem with Sunday. It's hard to really enjoy the day when you know that work is looming a mere 24 hours away.

4. Wednesday
Yes, we rate this higher than Sunday. After all, it has the nickname of "Hump Day". We all know that they aren't talking about camels...

3. Friday
This is the day when the weekend really gets rolling, and, even if you work a 9-5 M-F job, it's usually one of the more palatable. Besides, for night owls like us, Friday provides the first real opportunity to stay awake longer than you should without having anything important to do the next day.

2. Saturday
Saturday's kind of like Friday at the end of it, with things to do, reasons to stay up late, and an overall drive towards enjoying the hours without worrying about work the next day. As an extra bonus, Saturday allows people to sleep in, giving them the energy for that late night. And yet, it still comes in at number 2 on our list.

1. Payday
It doesn't matter what day of the week this falls on. Any day where you can walk away with more money in your pocket (or bank account) than you had at the start of the day is automatically the best day of the week. And just think, some criminals get to experience payday every day!

Cheers, one and all. We'll be back next week, returning to our regularly scheduled programming.

Year End List Three

Well well well. Here we are, finally on the last day of 2008. It's been an interesting run through the seasons, and we're about ready to say hello to 2009. But wait, we can't jump the gun on this one. After all, there's that extra lingering "leap second" that we all get to deal with this year. So what will you do during that extra second? Maybe today's list will help, as we present...

Things To Do During a Leap Second

Look for Dick Clark's Soul
We admit it. We have a fondness for Dick Clark. While the man is approaching his 80th birthday, he's also been a perennial teenager, ushering in the New Year every year in his own "Rockin'" way. It's been painful to see the years catch up to him, as well as seeing his pairing with Ryan Seacrest. But this year may finally break Clark, as he gets to be part of a show that includes the Jonas Brothers. During that leap second, you may see a wispy form leave Clark.

Be Born
If there are any fetuses reading this, there's very little that you could do to cause a more profound impact on the world than being born in the very final second of 2008. In fact, you'd be among the first ever, since it's the first time in recorded history that we've had a "leap second" (no, we didn't research this, so we're trusting our guts).

Surfing the Internet
Why do something different during the extra second of the year than you did for a large number of seconds already? Besides, there may be some enterprising websites out there that will offer special content for readers during that second of time. We won't, but that's because we'll be doing something else.

Remembering Previous New Year's Insanity
Ah, remember the old Y2K bug that was supposed to kill all computers? Or how about any time that the world's supposed to have ended (which seems to happen every couple of years). Sure, it's already the New Year on the other side of the planet, but that won't stop people from holding onto fears. On the plus side, the Western Hemisphere will have plenty of time if 2012 really is the end of it all. So why not treasure those previous freak-out moments, while planning for another one in just a few years.

Flip Through the Channels
Instead of fixing on just one NYE count-down, maybe you can flip rapidly through the channels, lingering for just long enough to see if ABC jumped the gun on 2009, or if maybe CNN was just a hair late.

Let the Champagne Sit a Second Longer
After all, those bubbles are just going to tickle your nose anyways, so maybe it would be best to let them die down a little longer.

Resolve to Resolve Your Resolutions
You've got an extra second to the year. Pull out that tattered list of New Year's resolutions and edit it. For the fifth time today.

Escape "Auld Lang Syne"
Sure, you'll only be able to escape it for an extra second, but that span of time might just be enough to buy you freedom. After all, when everyone else is gearing up to sing about things "never brought to mind", you can be changing the CD to something like Parliament.

Inhale
If you're going to be part of a gathered throng, the extra second in 2008 can give you time to prepare yourself to be heard above everyone else. Just don't hold it too long, or you'll be the fool saying "New" when everyone else has finished "Year".

Make the Most of it
Ultimately, it doesn't matter what you do with the leap second, if you do anything at all. Just use it however you feel best, whether that's sleeping, drinking, laughing, talking, watching, or just simply being. After all, it's not every year that we get to have this extra time with the rest of the planet before we're forced to roll the calendars over.

Well, that does it for us for 2008. We'll see you again in 2009. Have yourself a Happy New Year, everyone.

Year End List Two

Only a couple more days remaining for 2008, and now we have to look backwards. Yesterday, we were wistful. Today, we're simply reminiscing. With that we bring you, today's list...

The Top 10 Things We Remember From 2008

10. That Time We Found Our Keys
Seriously, we were looking for those things for days.

9. Weddings
Major celebrities. Minor celebrities. We're sure that even some homeless couples got married, too. If only California hadn't screwed everything up. Speaking of which...

8. California Screws Everything Up
You know you've done something big and (potentially) bad when Keith Olbermann looks away from the Gdub Presidency to address you in his "Special Comment". Way to go, California.

7. MTV Airing Music Videos

Hahahahahahahahaha*gasp*hahahahahaha. No, seriously, it may have happened sometime during 2008. If so, it was probably a video by Fallout Boy or Katy Perry, being played either at 2:47am, or as an end credits for one of MTV's overwhelming pile of reality shows.

6. That One Really Funny, Timely Joke
We'd share it, but, well, it just isn't as funny today.

5. When TV Stopped Sucking
Man, did TV ever have us fooled. Here we were, anticipating everything coming back to glorious channel surfing now that we were done dealing with the writer's strike, and the wasteland that was summer viewing. Little did we know that we'd remember this moment for the fact that it has yet to happen.

4. Breakfast
What? It's a tasty way to start the day, so we remember it fondly.

3. New Yorkers Find a New Meaning to "Humble"
If you're from New York, especially if you're affiliated with a sports team, "humble" now means spending freely and foolishly, in the face of tragic economic downfall.

2. The Dark Ledger
Yeah, we know that we'll be bombarded with Heath Ledger stuff during the run-up to the Oscars, but we're still amazed at his portrayal of Jack Nicholson.

1. Post-Election Hangover

Not from celebrating. We actually started drinking when the first campaigns got rolling across the country, and didn't stop until we knew we'd have a month and a half before the NEXT campaign started up. Our livers may never forgive us.

Well, that's a list of things for today. We'll have another list tomorrow.

Year End List One

Welcome to the year end. As is legally required of all blogs (and just about anything else you can find on the Internet), we are here this week to present you with lists. Random lists. Lists that we probably concocted in our sleep. Lists that just might not make any sense to us.

Anyways, today's list is special. Normally, here, we pass out some sarcasm and commentary, none of which is too favorable to our subjects. Today, we're going to actually passing out some real kudos, in our list of...

The Top 7 Websites We Wish We Were

7. Fark.com
Alright, we admit it. When it comes time for us to dig around and find a news article to rip apart, we look around. Before too long, we've found ourselves at Fark. Besides, while it's great fun to do what we do, just imagine how much fun we could be having if we got other people to find stories for us, as we sit back, come up with headlines, drink beer, and profit. Sure, that may not be the glamorous life lead by Fark, but we like to picture it that way.

6. Topless Robot
We have a severe love for all things geeky. Topless Robot takes that love to a whole new level, devoting themselves entirely to covering all that's geeky. That, combined with the word "topless" in their title, and the fact that they've actually got a media organization behind them makes us love them just a little bit more.

5. Penny Arcade
If you haven't heard of Penny Arcade yet, we wonder where you've been hiding. Not only are they one of the best webcomics out there (other people with more knowledge have confirmed that for us in their research labs), but they also get to delve into serious video game discussions, and they take time to help out those that are less fortunate. Well, not other less fortunate websites, but you catch our drift.

4. Cracked
It may have started out as a Mad magazine knock-off, but Cracked has become a powerful voice on the Internet, just so long as you equate comedy with power. We'd be remiss to mention them in any posting about lists, since that is pretty much their bread and butter. But they just do it oh so well.

3. Pajiba
We like our geek culture. We also like movies. There's also an affinity for sarcasm and snarkiness. And bacon. So what do you get when you combine all of those into one website, and then take away the bacon? You get Pajiba, with their "scathing reviews for bitchy people". They haven't steered us wrong yet, and their more honest than Leonard Maltin. Their sister site is pretty good, too, tackling celebrity gossip.

2. Giant in the Playground
Time for the second webcomic page in our list, but Giant in the Playground is more than just the home for the Order of the Stick. Compelling stories, crude stick figures, cruder jokes, and a wealth of geekery in the role-playing realm adds up to one giant pile of critical success. If only we could make stick figures look so good.

1. The Onion
We take news stories and make fun of them. The Onion does us many many times better by crafting funny stories so ridiculously sublime that you can almost smell hints of truth coming off of them. When you can make up stories that cause people to want to double check the facts, and loop in just enough truth to point out the ridiculousness of the world, you've got a winning combination. Much like a Daily Show for the Internet, without that burden of reality to hold the funny back.

And that does it for this list. Just a few of the websites we love to visit. We'll be back tomorrow with an entirely new list, or at least one recycled from 2006.

Ignore the thud

You know the biggest problem with bus passengers? No, not that any of them might want to talk to other people on the bus. Certainly not bringing weapons on board. And while we are distressed by a lack of hygiene, we can't even point out that one. To find our answer, we just have to look to Florida, and what a bus driver there might think.

They just can't keep quiet when the bus hits a guy on a bike.

Yes, that's right. After the bus driver hit a biker and then continued on, he asked all of the passengers to just keep quiet about it. This could either have kicked off the worst game of "I've Got a Secret" in existence, or it could lead to the quick arrest of the bus driver for hit-and-run. Take a quick guess which happened.

However, there's still proof of the holiday spirit as well, since there is still a silver lining to the story. That silver lining? The bus driver was suspended, but he was suspended with pay.

After all, if he had has pay suspended as well, it would have been kind of like being hit by a bu--- oh. Um, yeah.

No place like home

We've been away for awhile, so we're going to ease ourselves in a little slowly. Thankfully, the news itself hasn't been lax during our absence, so we hope that you've been able to catch up through the other resources that the 'net has to offer. And, well, we're glad to be back, just in time.

Besides, it's good to be home. As we've all heard, "If you want to be happy in a million ways" home is a darned good place to be. In fact, some people look at home sweet home so fondly that they're willing to go to extreme lengths to get there.

Lengths like stealing a fire truck.

That's right. A man in Salt Lake City decided that he just had to get home to visit his mom for Christmas. Instead of looking into things like bus fares or a plane ticket, he did the next logical thing, so long as your idea of logic includes giant leaps that result in criminal offenses. He jumped into a shiny fire truck, turned on the sirens, and started to head over the river and through the woods. Well, we can assume he would have, because he made it approximately fifty feet before he was subdued by the very firefighters who the truck belonged to.

We'll just go ahead and assume that he never got the fire truck when he was a child, either.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 8, 2008

Another week is ticking past us, and we're going to be absent next week (we might pop in here and there, but no guarantees). So, because of that, we're going to just plow ahead with our awards right away.

Don't Feed the Geese Award
If you live in or around Kansas City, you may have to stop taking afternoon trips into the park to feed Canada geese. The city is thinking about outlawing this practice, because of the increased mess (we're just not crass enough to go there). However, as long as you're feeding America geese, or geese that have secured their green cards, you should be just fine.

World of Dropcraft Award
The FCC commissioner has something to say about a potential cause for college dropouts. Yes, we said "FCC commissioner". No, we don't care that he's not really part of the education field. Anyways, he seems to believe that video game addiction, specifically to something like World of Warcraft, might be a leading cause of students deciding to drop higher education. In response, schools are planning on renaming field trips "raids", and freshmen are now "n00bs".

Elephant Lives Award
In a recent study, scientists have made a discovery sure to shock everyone on the planet. As it turns out, elephants in captivity tend to live shorter lives than elephants left in the wild. Because nothing says longevity quite like being transplanted out of your natural habitat and then being put on display. You know, unless your name is Keith Richards.

I Will Follow Him (Follow Him) Award
Sometimes, it's best just to leave your cell phone in your pocket. Especially when you're being followed by someone shortly after attempting a robbery. Unfortunately, a burglar in Idaho didn't think that way, and called the police to report that he was being followed. By the neighbor of his recent attempted victim. The burglar is now expected to work with OJ to find the "Real Culprits".

The Pope and the Poor Award
You know the global economy has gotten bad when the Pope weighs in on how "self-centered and short-sighted" the financial system is. He even chastises world governments for not doing more to help the poor. If only there was some organization that regularly received millions of dollars every week, and happened to be the home to priceless art...

Christmas Miracle Award
Okay, so maybe it's not a miracle, but the recent weather systems have actually led to snowfall in Texas and New Orleans. In Louisiana, they referred to the snow as being "magical". The same snowfall in Minnesota would have led to people wondering when it'll become winter, as everyone forgets how to drive.

A Use for Sarcasm Award
Well folks, it's finally happened. We may actually be useful, at least to medical science. Not through donating our livers (trust us, that won't work at all). We might be helpful in helping diagnose dementia. According to research done in Australia, many sufferers of dementia find it impossible to properly identify sarcasm. Which definitely makes us wonder about any politician who agrees to a guest spot on The Daily Show or the Colbert Report.

Well, folks, that does it for us this week. We'll be back just prior to Christmas, unless we feel the drive to pop in and deliver more strangeness to your corner of the world. Stay safe out there.

How embarrassing

Which is worse? Handcuffing a partner and losing the key, or trying to convince the authorities that you really aren't dead?

How about if you need the police to respond to help open the cuffs? Does that tip the scales? Because that's what a Michigan man had to deal with, after losing the key to the cuffs keeping his wife attached to the bed.

On the plus side, the police just thought it was some sort of kinky sex game, and not any weird kidnapping or "unlawful imprisonment". On the negative side, we're fairly certain that the next time the husband suggests breaking out the handcuffs, his wife will respond with a swift "I have a headache" or "Why don't you put them on?".

But what about proving that you aren't dead? How about if you learn about your own demise when you're trying to renew your ID? And, to make it worse, it then takes a year before the courts accept that you really are alive. Is that embarrassing?

A Romanian man has been dealing with that struggle, and it just got worse for him. Now that he's been confirmed to be alive, he's been charged the legal costs for appealing his own death. So, while apparently death isn't horribly certain any more, it seems that taxes still have a grip on everyone.

Really, the only way it could be worse would be if you lost the key to the cuffs of your wife who then had to prove that she wasn't dead. Or if you were caught dressed like a clown. Just saying.

Down under blunders?

We admit, we often turn our gaze on Australia when looking for inspiration for our articles. Maybe it's the fact that the entire island used to be a penal colony, or maybe it's just that much of our understanding of Australia comes from Fosters and "Crocodile" Dundee, but there's just something charmingly wacky about the entire place. Sometimes, we agree with that wackiness, and sometimes, we just have to wonder.

Take, for example, a recent story about police stations in Perth. Apparently, these stations have been subject to vandalism and arson attempts. Now, one would figure that a police station would have some sort of force nearby that could help curtail these attacks. In Australia, they're considering hiring security to help watch the place.

That's right. Security. At a police station. Maybe it's just us, but doesn't that seem a little crazy? We can understand the need for keeping such a location safe, but to use a security force? Especially when, at least in America, so much security is people who couldn't quite cut it as cops? That almost seems like staffing a professional pastry kitchen with someone cut cuts open the buns at McDonald's.

Of course, this could actually be one of the most beneficial and symbiotic of business relationships ever created. The police could teach the security guards a thing or two, to help them hone their skills. The security officers could teach the cops how to chase after a shoplifter, or patrol a food court. And, hopefully, they'll both figure out what it takes to keep people from lighting a police station on fire.

At least we know that if they make mistakes, they won't be marked in red ink. It might hurt their feelings.

A wink and a smile

Oh, the Department of Motor Vehicles. Such a fun place, filled with balloons, party favors, and the ever-smiling staff. What, you're experiences aren't like ours? Maybe you've been going to the wrong ones.

Of course, in Indiana, there's even less hope for a happy time at the DMV. In an effort to better use facial recognition technology, they are getting going to start enforcing a ban on certain things for driver's license pictures. Things like hats, scarves, and glasses. Oh, and smiles.

Well thank goodness for that. People were getting out of hand, with all the smiles and laughter that generally accompanies waiting in line for an hour or more to be "helped" by someone who would obviously rather be spending their days flipping burgers at McDonalds. While other states are also looking into ways to improve facial recognition, in an effort to slow down the production of false IDs, Indiana has so far taken it the furthest. After all, a smiling picture could never be recognized as being the same person, especially when they're showing their license to a police officer.

Looks like this will stop our plans for installing small stages for stand-up comedians at the Indiana DMV. Which is a shame, because we just love observational humor.

Recession proof

We all understand the urge to fight a parking ticket. After all, none of us like to think that we may have broken some sort of law when we were pulling our vehicles up to a curb, and that money we're supposed to send off to our local government center would be better served by getting a few DVDs and a bottle of wine.

But some people take it a little too far, as is the case with a retired man from New York. He fought his $115 ticket, so far to the tune of $7500.

Of course, the man was fighting the ticket because it was the right thing to do. Well, that, and he had extra spare time, having retired from being the vice president of a company. True, the ticket may have been a mistake, and true, the man plans on donating the money of his appeals (should he win it back) to education, but there are much easier ways to go about being a philanthropist. Our first suggestion? Instead of hoping that you get your money back in an appeal, just go ahead and donate it right away.

It is somewhat comforting to know that, even in these dark economic times, someone can fight so hard (and waste so much money) for what seems to be, to them at least, a frivolous matter. We also find ourselves assuming that this man spends at least $1000 to complain that his gallon of milk shouldn't have cost so much.

Meanwhile, in a few short months, we fully expect to see another vice president spending money to combat the shocking lack of quality and nutrition in a bowl full of kittens.