Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 16, 2009

Welcome to Friday, and the beginning of spring. Naturally, earlier in the week we were bombarded with green apparel everywhere we went, which is a nice precursor to the green that we'll start seeing on lawns and trees. With nature coming back to life, we almost thought that there would be a shortage of stories. Thank goodness for human nature. So let's get rolling.

Corporate Shame Award
People are understandably upset at some of the big banks, especially those that received bailout money from the government. It's gotten so bad that one of them is encouraging employees to not wear anything with the corporate logo on it. Next week, they'll be rolling out phase two of their plan, which is to put their corporate logo onto convicted felons. Or have they already started doing that?

Tight Quarters Award
How do you pass the time in Denver, Colorado? One man decided that he would waste away the day by getting himself into the vents above a pizza place. He got stuck, called for help, and was eventually cut loose, only to fall naked onto the floor. The man claimed to have beaten up on the roof before falling through the vent, but that just sounds so cheesy. Here's hoping he has a fairly thick skin.

Asking for It Award
So often, when a person is shot and killed by the police, the relatives come forward demanding damages. Not so in the case of a man shot in Canada, as his aunts have stepped up and admitted that he "led a terrible life" and might just have deserved it. No word on whether they believe that simply due to a dislike of hockey and curling.

A Cut Above Award
A woman who was arrested for cutting designs and her name into a lover's arm was given no jail time, due to the amounts of alcohol and drugs both parties took. If only there was some place to put her that would keep her off of those controlled substances.

Point Proven Award
What do you do when you're a state senator and you receive a poorly written letter asking why you're advocating slashing the education budget? If you said, "criticize their grammar, spelling, and overall education", you might be from Arizona. On the upside, the senator has made amends with the student. On the downside, well, education is still getting slashed, which will only increase the frequency of these types of letters.

Devil in the Details Award
A Washington state woman has come up with an interesting defense as to why she stole over $73,000 from a local church; she blames Satan. The church is now waiting to see how that goes for her, in an effort to increase their own fundraising.

That does it for our awards this week. We'll be back next week, with warmer temperatures and (probably) less blasphemy. Stay safe out there.

The economy hits home

You know, in these bleak economic times, it's always good to see stories that really point out the impact that people are feeling. Of course, instead, we keep getting stories about people who make (or made) more money in a year than most of us see in a lifetime, but that's besides the point. We can definitely get something out of people needing to curtail things like private drivers, cleaning services, and the like just to make ends meet. What we get out of it may be anger at the extremely wealthy, and pity for the cut services, but we're still getting something.

Which leads us to today's article. It's hard to see an upside to any obvious money grab that goes on (unless it's part of a game show, in which case we slavishly watch and shout at the television screen). But when you decide that your divorce settlement of $43 million just isn't enough, we have to cry foul.

A lot of her argument hinges around her weekly living expenses that float somewhere in the $50,000 range. That's right, she has expenses every week that total more than a lot of people see in their yearly salary. And what did she do for that money? Well, she was attractive, unemployed, and married to a CEO worth over a quarter of a billion dollars. You do the math. And wear a helmet, because doing that kind of math could cause serious injury.

The sheer audacity of the situation strikes us as odd. Not only is fighting the post-nuptial agreement that she signed, but she's doing it at a time where the world is struggling to pull themselves out of a recession. While there's a definite impact on a consumer economy when one person can no longer spend that kind of money every week, there's also an impact from all of the people angry that someone who did nothing to get their money is trying to fight for more, while plenty of others are dealing with unemployment.

But still, wow. That's an awful lot of cappuccino.

Covering your bases

There's something to be said for going above and beyond, just to ensure that you really have everything covered. Of course, it's not often a good idea to make a point of calling the media to help cover just how thorough you're being in your line of work, but sometimes, it just seems like a wise choice.

Take, for example, police planning a large raid against a house that they believe holds a burglary suspect. Sure, contacting the media and inviting them along seems great, if for no other reason than to be able to show that the police are making steps to get this criminal off of the streets. Sure, there's the risk that the suspect may not be at the location, and your big raid and media coverage could all go for nothing, but that's a chance to take.

Although you should probably find out if the guy you're trying to catch in the raid has already been arrested.

Actually, while this seems like a completely ridiculous series of events, it's actually fairly reasonable. Given that the suspect had been arrested mere hours earlier, and the paperwork may not have cleared through the system yet, the police were simply following through on the latest information they had. Sure, the media was a bit extreme, but they wanted to make a good show of things.

We'd suggest raiding the house again tomorrow, though. You never know if this crook might have found some sort of temporal warp.

A sorry law

It may strike you as a bit odd, but apparently, in more than a few states, it just isn't legal for a doctor to say, "I'm sorry". Well, okay, maybe that's oversimplifying things. In more than a few states, it's apparently possible for a doctor to apologize, but they might have those statements used against them later during a potential malpractice suit.

Well, Pennsylvania is considering a law giving doctors the ability to apologize without the crippling fear of a huge lawsuit coming against them. In many ways, this makes sense. After all, there are times where, no matter what the doctor does, there just isn't anything that can be done for the patient. The words "I'm sorry" would be completely applicable in this instance. As would situations where a minor mistake at one point in the procedure could lead to the incorrect steps being followed.

Besides, it's not like the doctors are going around apologizing on a regular basis. Saying "I'm sorry" is a way of showing empathy and concern for your fellow human being, and while it may also include a level of acceptance of a mistake, it at least is couched by a legitimate concern. After all, we're not talking about surgeons and residents going around saying "Oops" without a fear of repercussion. And it might actually cause people to feel somewhat better about the treatment, no matter the result, if they simply got the inkling that they were more than an insurance policy and a bunch of zeros to the people trying to fix them up.

In fact, if this legislation goes through, we think it deserves an "apology five".

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 9, 2009

Hello, everyone. What a week this has been, right? The arrest of a Ponzi schemer, a long election recount maybe finally being done, and, as always, an influx of foolish and/or drunken individuals doing just what their little hearts can't scream loud enough to not do. Ah, you can tell spring is in the air. So, let's get our awards going.

Looks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck Award
Sometimes, celebrities do things that make us scratch our heads. Well, okay, so that happens a bit more than sometimes. But the latest comes from Mrs. Fresh Prince, who has opened up a private school to instruct children in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard. But don't worry, because it's not a Scientologist school. Because Hubbard was also known for his forays into anthropology, higher-level math, and chemistry.

Spiderman, Spiderman Award
A paraplegic man recently experienced something akin to a miracle, as he was able to walk again after a spider bit him. Now if he could only get the cute redhead next door to give him the time of day.

My Country or My HOA Award
When you sign an agreement with your Home Owner's Association, it's pretty binding. That means that you can't go around doing what you'd like with your property, if it's something the HOA has bylaws against. That's the problem that a Georgia man is struggling with, after he erected a 14-foot flagpole on his lawn. Because the flagpole attached to his house wasn't big enough. America, land of the free, and home of those who sue over a pole.

Offensive Driving Award
Seriously, there must be something about transporting large quantities of illegal materials that make people drive poorly. Reckless driving resulted in a ticket, and the discovery of 347 bags of heroin. What, were they high or something?

A Taxing Jolt Award
How do you get some more money into your state's coffers during these dark economic times? If you're Utah, you consider taxing caffeine. Always a bold political move, trying to alienate almost everyone in the state. Residents are a little jittery, and having been kept awake at night by the proposal.

Whee!!! Oops Award
In a stunning display of brilliance, a man who had evaded police for 21 years over drug charges was recently arrested. We say "stunning display of brilliance" because he got caught after shining a laser pointer at the police. Wonder if this guy had anything in common with the drivers mentioned just above?

Passing the Blame Award
There are definitely times where you may not be completely responsible for your actions, and your arguments could hold up well if charged with something. One of those times is probably not after a fatal hit-and-run accident, especially if your best excuse is that you suffer from PTSD from being hazed. Although that does explain a lot about some of our college classmates and their performance in class.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week, as we participate in the annual ritual to destroy livers. Stay safe out there.

That'll learn ya

Education is important. There's just no questioning how valuable regular schooling can be, especially during those critical developmental years of childhood. A well-rounded education can be critical for preparing children for the crippling disappointments, harsh cynicism, and bright successes that their futures may hold. Naturally, however that schooling is given, it's fairly critical that the student actually attend, so as to learn as much as possible.

Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule, and that's why a UK school has had to apologize for a truancy letter sent to one of their students. Apparently, when you're sick with leukemia and the Pope wants to meet you, it's alright to skip class.

How did this one slip through the administration's cracks? After all, it's not like this is a kid who's regularly missing class because they're sneaking off to smoke behind the gymnasium. It's cancer, and one would just have to assume that there would be some sort of note attached to the student's record to make sure that there was an understanding.

That, and the Pope wants to meet the kid. Maybe the other way around, but it's not every day that the Pope tells you to stop over and bring an extra Xbox controller. That should have been an immediate pass right there. It's good to see that the school is willing to admit to their error and make amends, and hopefully they won't run into a problem like this again in the future.

If only there was some sort of building where people could go to learn how to do things like read and take notes, possibly with testing for recollection.

Lost on the yard

At least we know now that crazy municipal ideas don't just happen on American soil. Thanks to a city in the United Kingdom, we can rest assured that the crazy has actually spread all the way across the globe, or at least to our parent nation.

After all, it isn't quite everywhere that you hear about satellite navigation on riding lawnmowers.

Scary, isn't it? To think, before this development, these poor mowers were out there on lawns and in fields, driving around willy-nilly, merely hoping that they'd be able to find their way back home. Sort of like Quantum Leap's Sam Beckett, without the holographic sidekick. And, apparently, much like Dr. Beckett, many of these mowers never returned home.

Oh sure, they downplay the lost mowers, and they talk about how the navigation will help mowers find those patches of grass that still need a good mowing, but we know that this is really a step to try and prevent more mysterious lawn-related disappearances. After all, how can we possibly trust people to find their way back over a few dozen yards of turf back to where they can get a warm meal and a refreshing beverage.

And let's not forget about the benefits for travelling on the freeways. Now, when you're tooling around at 15mph, you'll get plenty of warning as to where that Denny's with the overgrown lawn is.

Liver approved

Since we are closing in on St. Patrick's Day, it seems only appropriate that the news would start trotting out stories about how drinking can negatively affect people, especially when the drinking is done binge-style, as so many seem to do every March 17th. After all, the week between Christmas and New Year's tends to feature stories about depression, and Valentine's Day always has the featured articles on how to either a) avoid, or b) deal with, a break-up to your relationship. Labor Day has birth announcements. So why not just repeat an article that's been run many times before.

But wait, it seems like someone isn't following the rules. Dangers of drinking, people, not any potential benefits from doing so.

Okay, let's be clear on this. People have long accepted the notion that a glass of wine every day can help their heart. Well, if the doctor in the article is right (and, since he's Johns Hopkins-educated, we have no reason not to believe him... we went to a State school), then wine isn't the only thing that will help your health. And it's not just one glass a day, either. It's still moderation, instead of drinking to get drunk, but his experiences, and the research to back up those experiences, tend to point out that people who drank a little bit every day actually lived longer than people who never touched a drop.

In a lot of ways, this makes sense. True, longevity has gone up overall in people due to us taking better care of ourselves, and being better prepared to handle diseases and assorted accidents that would have previously cut our lives shorter. But, how often does one hear of a person making it to (or past) their 90th year, all the while drinking, smoking, and eating fatty foods, things that, by common belief, should have killed them years ago? Not saying that anyone should go out and embrace those lifestyles, especially in the face of a more moderate approach, but something has to be said for those people who allow themselves a little more enjoyment out of life, without worrying if every little thing they do is going to give them cancer.

Of course, when you take it to an extreme, you end up driving a car with only three tires. And nobody wants that.

Fight for your right for non-violence

People can get worked up about things. Sometimes that's good, when that energy and emotion can be poured into a positive effort. Take, for example, a community fighting back against violence. In response to a teen having been shot and killed last November, a Maryland community banded together to organize a "Stop the Violence" concert, trying to create another outlet.

Sometimes, however, that build-up of emotions can lead to bad things. A good example of that would be a group of 16 people getting arrested for fighting. At the above-mentioned "Stop the Violence" concert.

Yeah. Needless to say, something certainly didn't go the way that the organizers were planning. While it's possible that the teens simply missed the entire "Stop" portion of the promotion, it's also possible that they decided that the only way to truly stop violence was with more violence. After all, it could be their belief that, by eliminating a potential threat now, you've saved yourself a lot of grief later on. After all, look how that's worked for foreign affairs, and you can see exactly what we're talking about.

Of course, there's also the potential that the kids really did mean to fight, "Stop the Violence" or no. Sometimes, just getting people that shouldn't like each other can lead to that sort of spontaneous outburst of fighting. Other times, it leads to classic 80's movies, complete with dancing in the library.

Another possibility? Maybe there was an argument about who was stopping more violence, which just caused things to boil over. Here's a tip for those kids playing at home, though. If you're arguing about who causes less violence, you both (probably) lose.

On the plus side, they weren't driving around with pot plants in their pick-up truck.

Killer government

We find stories like this one every once in awhile, and we just have to embrace them. After all, it's one thing for a person to mistakenly think that someone they haven't heard from in many years may have shuffled off of this mortal coil. After all, that's part of why some people actually band together and place wagers on "death pools". It's less likely for a government to assume the same thing. One would assume that they had some way of checking.

Of course, when governments make that mistake, they always are quick to accept that there's an error, and they jump to fix the problem. No, wait, they usually make people jump through hoops to prove their own vitality, sometimes asking to speak to someone in charge of the estate.

For those playing at home that may not be aware, someone can only be in charge of an estate if someone has actually passed away. Therefore, no deceased party, no estate. In the story we connected to, the woman has been unable to make any headway with the Canadian government, because they want to take to someone involved with the estate. No matter how many ways she can prove to them that she's still alive, and quite well, actually, they seem to be having trouble taking her word for it.

In many ways, situations like this are only bound to pop up more frequently with the fears of identity theft, but we also think that the government should be a bit more understanding when someone is actually registered as deceased in their databases. After all, how many people want to go to the government offices when they haven't committed a crime, let alone when they have?

Either that, or this is further proof that zombies are living just to our north.

Taking what you can get

Sometimes, you just have to take what little you can, and accept that it's the best you could do. Of course, when you're engaged in a robbery, maybe that's not the best time to do so. After all, there's always the chance that, if you don't actually take anything, you might get a much lighter charge thrown your way.

In other words, what we're saying is that maybe it's not the best idea to steal some toilet paper when your victims don't have any money.

This can't even be a moral victory. Not only was the gunman unable to get the elderly couple to cough up any money, but he made do by stealing something he could have bought at the store for a couple of bucks. Of course, it's entirely possible that, having his plan foiled by the couple simply being broke at the time caused the robber to panic, rush into the nearest room he could find, grab an item or two at random, and run out.

For his sake, we have to hope that he was able to grab at least some two-ply.

A cold one

When the public gets upset over a president having an affair during their time in office, we can understand. When they develop anger because a president has expanded their own powers to complete personal vendettas, we commend them. When they get into an uproar because a president has a beer at a sporting event, we jump ship.

Seriously, the guy was just having a beer, and watching some hoops. It's not like he later went on to fly Air Force One or anything.

While we can sort of see how people would get up in arms, we just can't support it. The President of the United States is, possibly, the most stressful job on the face of the planet, and we think that having a beer once in awhile might help the guy relax, and, hopefully, keep him from turning another country into a parking lot. Ironically, this is the same guy that people embraced wholeheartedly because he happened to have a beer on the campaign trail. Well, if you consider that something of a job interview, he pretty much admitted that, while holding office, he might have a beer or two.

Besides, this is the month of March. You know, St. Patrick's Day is coming up? A big Irish holiday? Maybe P.O. is just trying to connect with his Irish roots.

Leave a message

It's finally come to pass. For all of those people who feel that prayer wasn't a direct enough line, and yet were concerned that God didn't have a mailing address, a Dutch artist has given you an answer. Thanks to him, the Almighty is now just a phone call away.

Yes, now you too can leave God a message on his personal answering machine. Don't think you're going to get the big guy, though, as the number is programmed to say that God isn't in right now. Well, you know, that sort of disregards the omnipresent part of his powers, but we'll try and look past. Especially because it took the guy this long to finally get a phone line. At this rate, we're looking forward to God getting an iPhone within the next few thousand years.

You know, we've really only got one word for this. That word is "interesting". We can see how this could both serve a fantastic purpose, and how it could backfire. We also do firmly believe that it's part of the overall demand for instant gratification that springs through so much of our culture.

We know some people might be thinking "meh" about all of this, but we simply have to disagree. And only partially because we don't want the PC Guy upset with us.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 23, 2009

Well, the week is coming to a close, and, with it, it's bringing the end of February, as well. That's all well and good, because, as we've mentioned before, we really think that February is just a placeholder until a cooler month with a more appropriate number of days is brought onto the scene. Sure, it's been around for a good long while, but you can't just change the calendar overnight. But one thing that February hasn't been fake about is news stories, so let's get on with our awards, shall we?

Pay to Pee Award
Airlines everywhere seem to be trying to find new ways to get extra money out of their passengers. There have been fuel surcharges, and extra charges for checking bags. Well, how about a charge to use the plane's bathroom? Good thing that the flight attendants aren't walking around offering beverages throughout the whole flight, right?

Pot vs. Kettle Award
So, pretty much everyone has heard stories about how tough it is to work with Axl Rose, right? And how that attitude made it very difficult to put together albums? Well, it turns out that, according to Axl, at least, it wasn't him. It might just have been Slash. The singer badmouthed his former guitarist, and then worked his way through the rest of the band. To his credit, Slash's only comment was, "It didn't take me ten years to release a commercial flop."

Cell Mates Award
A good deal of the time, it probably doesn't really matter who gets put into the same cell with someone else. One of those times where it does make a difference is when one person is a suspect in a murder trial, and the other is a material witness. Shockingly, the witness has decided against testifying, causing the charges to be dropped. They must have just gotten along great behind bars, forming a bond that few can break. Right, that's it. Friendship.

Call of Duty: Geneva Convention Award
We're not sure if this should actually be a "Father of the Year" nominee, or someone who's hopelessly out of touch, but we have to give a nod to the father who decided that his son couldn't play the "Call of Duty" video games unless he both read and followed (at least, in the game world) the Geneva Convention. We actually applaud this, if only because more behavior like this would cut down on the virulent strains of spawn campers and people proclaiming each other's sexual affiliations (always in one direction).

I'm, Like, Sorry, OK? Award
What do you do when you're a bishop taken to task by the Vatican for denying the extent of the Holocaust? Well, if you're the actual bishop being criticized, you apologize. Not for your comments and views, specifically, but for the fact that they made people angry. The Vatican doesn't think that the bishop has gone quite far enough, and next week, they're going to slide him a little further diagonally, allowing that space to be used by a knight.

A Little Control Award
A Colorado Springs store decided to express some frustrations, and posted a sign basically asking parents to keep better watch over their children. The result? A woman began picking up things, throwing them around, and basically having a fit about the sign, until she was tased by the store owner. Later, the woman was seen sitting in a corner for "Time Out", having argued about not being able to watch her favorite episode of "Law and Order" again.

Take a Break Award
Here's a quick tip. If you really have to go and break your back, don't do it while the paramedics are on lunch. Guess it's more important to finish your fish and chips than to find out why someone else's spine crackles like a deep fryer.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, welcoming March to the calendar. Stay safe out there.

Kids are learning

Today, we found two articles that seem linked to each other. Well, not in any actuality, it's more that they both feature similar protagonists. In one story, we're dealing with the working world. In the other, we're talking about marriage. In both, teenagers take a central role.

So, first up we see a story about a teenage girl fired from her job. Why is this news? Apparently, she was fired because she expressed overall boredom with her job on her Facebook page. Yeah, we're still not sure how that's news either. After all, teenagers tend to be bored, or at least claim that they're bored, no matter what they're doing. Given the prevalence of social networking, it shouldn't be a shock that they would then vent about it on the web. The girl didn't mention the company name at all, but she did get to vent her boredom to a large audience than she would normally have (which was previously relegated to anyone within earshot). We wouldn't be surprised if she was at a party, had a great time, and then proceeded to mention online that the party had been "boring".

At least she's not a divorcee, right? That's the case with a 14-year-old girl from Israel. Apparently, she, along with a 17-year-old boy, thought it would be a good idea to go through a mock marriage ceremony, complete with a ritual vow, exchange of ring, and consummation. Sure, they were joking about it, but the rabbis didn't seem to see the humor of the situation, and informed the kids that they were married, and, if they didn't want to continue in their wedded bliss, they'd have to actually go ahead and get divorced.

And well, when you see two kids with their whole lives ahead of them, and they can't make marriage work, it just makes you sad. Sad enough to talk about being bored, at least.

A full house of frustration

It should come as no surprise that the police prefer people to make complaints via phone. After all, that allows them to handle prioritizing of non-emergency calls more easily, and means that they don't have to wait around the police station until someone comes in with a problem.

Oh yeah. And it lets them play poker, too.

Only one problem with that last bit. Apparently, poker was slightly more important than the complaints of a retiree regarding a vacant house he owned. The retiree was given the non-emergency number (on a magnet), and told to call that, even though there were a number of (we hope) off-duty police officers in the building at the time.

Listen, we ourselves are fans of the card games, but there are times and places for everything. While we agree with the concept of playing cards while off-duty, we question the use of the police station. Especially given that people can just walk up and ask you to do work for them.

After all, there's no police motto out there mentioning protect, serve, and look for the straight flush.

Not any better

Have you ever gone into your suitcase, thinking that you'd packed your red swimming suit, but it turns out that you brought the green one instead? Potentially embarrassing, right? But, hey, everyone experiences a packing mistake at one point or anything. It isn't like it can lead to jail time, or anything.

Well, maybe it can. Like, for example, when you "accidentally" packed 52lbs. of cocaine into his suitcase as he was returning from a vacation. We say "accidentally", because, according to the man, he didn't think he was smuggling in drugs. He thought he was smuggling diamonds, instead. Oddly enough, admitting to this didn't really make him look any better to the police, who still decided to go ahead and arrest him, and his wife.

Right. We can kind of see how such a mistake could be made. After all, if you're dealing with simple concepts like weight and (potential) color, sure, diamonds and cocaine could be very similar. Most people might have noticed something about the way that they settled, but we can't simply discount the existence of a brick of diamonds.

Wait, is it possible that the biggest mistake was admitting to smuggling something, but could have sworn you were smuggling something else? Could that possibly have been the error that really spurred everything on?

Man, to make that kind of mistake, you'd really have to be snorting diamonds.

Call a cab

Most people, when they've failed something 75 times, would probably decide that maybe they just weren't cut out to accomplish whatever task they had set before them. If any of them make it to 700, that would surely be the point where they would give up. After all, there are generally limits to even the most persevering person.

Generally. However, giving up is apparently a foreign concept to a South Korean woman, who is bound and determined to succeed in getting a driver's license. Who knows, maybe the 776th time is a charm.

Either the South Korean written test is the most difficult test ever devised, or the concept is simply too bizarre to many, but apparently it isn't uncommon for people to take the test for five years or more before they finally get the 60% needed to pass it. Of course, we can't imagine that most people would have attempted the test that many times over the years, but we can't really identify with the situation. After all, here in America, it seems like you can get a license if you can correctly identify the color red and are at least 15, but could pass for 16.

We really hope that this woman passes her test so that she can finally buy her truck. Until then, we just have to hope that there's good mass transit.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 16, 2009

What a week it's been. Why, it feels like we've only been bringing you stories for four days this week... that may have something to do with us taking Monday to be lazy. It may not, we can't be completely sure. But we've got plenty of awards to toss out this week, so let's get going.

Untruth Award
So remember that story about the Chinese businessman who was holding a contest amongst his mistresses? Yeah, the story may not have as much truth to it as was originally believed. Turns out the author plagiarized the story from somewhere else, and nobody really knows if it ever actually happened. The writer has lost his job, and is now looking to move to Hollywood to start writing a remake of any 80s movie that hasn't been destroyed yet.

You Can't Catch Me Award
Every few days, a new high-speed chase story is found floating around the Web, and many of them revolve around people going the wrong direction on freeways, or having had too much to drink, or simply getting into the chase with a car that shouldn't be pushed to those speeds. This may be the first time that the chase has ended when the suspect wanted their car parked. In her defense, though, sometimes it can be absolutely miserable to get a good parking spot at the airport, and valets know all the tricks.

Kinda Sorry Award
If you've missed the uproar over a certain New York Post editorial cartoon, consider yourself lucky, or out of the news loop. Either way, it seems that the Post has issued an apology. Just so long as you weren't one of those "people who have long-standing differences". Yeah, no apology for you. Even a monkey wouldn't make that mistak---- oops.

Homecoming Drag Queen Award
We've got to give congratulations to George Mason University and their new homecoming queen. Naturally, his selection has lead to a bit of a campus divide, saying it's inopportune timing for a school trying to no longer be seen as a commuter school. Because national attention for a progressive choice can never lead to positive results.

Awkward Award
So, you may not be aware of this, but addressing someone by their disability is considered fairly rude. Alright, you probably knew that, but a company sending out notice of modifications being done to a home didn't seem to get that, as they addressed a letter going to a "Mr. Blindman". Even worse, they didn't bother to write it in Braille.

Seemed Like a Good Idea Award
There are some ideas that just struck people in the moment, and, before too long, are proven to be ill conceived. One of those ideas would have to be engaging in a foursome with people you just met out at the bar. Another would be picking a fight with the other guy in the group because your girlfriend seemed to be enjoying the encounter. The fighters have also been seen beating up vibrators, cucumbers, and shower heads in recent days.

Well, with that lovely imagery, we're going to close out for the week. We'll see you back next week. Stay safe out there!

Irish eyes

Well, that's a huge burden off of our shoulders. Turns out that errors in police work don't just happen in the United States. Okay, we never really believed that they did, but we did figure that most of the newsworthy events would happen on our shores, due to the American penchant for wanting to be the center of global attention more often than not. But leave it to the Irish to insert themselves.

For a few years, it seems that the Irish police have been regularly pulling over a driver named "Prawo Jazdy", and writing tickets. In fact, it got so bad that the police started believing that Jazdy was possibly running around with upwards of 50 alternate identities, which would make them one heck of a criminal.

The problem? "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "Driving License".

As it turns out, there's been a recent immigration of Polish citizens to Ireland, due to a bit of a boom on the Emerald Isle. Consequently, there have been more and more Polish drivers, which directly corresponded to the uptick in "Prawo Jazdy" appearing on offenses. Oh, and before people get overly concerned, the Irish did catch this, in 2007, but it's just starting to hit the news now.

Let's just hope that the Germans don't start an exodus of their own. We don't need to hear about the Gardai pulling over a "Fuehrer Schein".

Deserved

Surprise surprise. College professors have figured out what leads to a good deal of the grade "haggling" that goes on. Apparently, there's some sort of sense of entitlement going through students.

Shocking, isn't it? To think, there are college students (and probably high school students as well) who feel that just showing up in class can get them a "B". If they read the material and take the tests, well, then, that just has to be "A" city, now doesn't it?

This is something that's been building for awhile, and college professors seem reluctant to let it continue. In fact, according to the article, the professors are expecting to be able to give out grades of "C" to students that do just what is necessary, reserving the higher grades for those students who stand out. Oh, and putting in a lot of effort isn't enough, either. These instructors expect students to show things such as comprehension and deeper thinking on subjects.

Why, with expectations like this, we could actually see college graduates providing an almost immediate benefit to society. Just as long as said benefit is handed to them.

Rough decision

Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions. In today's tough economic times, it becomes even more important to make wise decisions for your own financial future. Just ask a Chinese tycoon who realized that he had to pare down his number of mistresses, since he was providing them each a monthly stipend.

So, to help him weed his way from five to one, he held a small pageant. Which went great until one of the mistresses "laid off" decided to get a little payback, and did so by driving herself, her rivals, and her (former) employer off of a cliff.

This just makes us sad. Not only for the way that the girl handled her termination, but that there are people out there who have to decide which illicit affair to keep having, regardless of the economic climate. Although we do have to point out that, for the tycoon, his decision just got easier. Something about his wife, and the remaining mistresses, leaving him to his own devices.

But hey, you just can't keep a catch like that single for long.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 9, 2009

Well, folks, this will forever be known as the week that the stimulus plan was passed. You know, unless they need to put together another stimulus package. But, well, that's important news, and you've all probably seen a little bit about it here or there. It's also the week of the octomom, but she's just creepy, so we're probably not going to say too much about her. Anyways, on to the awards.

Maybe it IS a Clown Car Award
Okay, so we said we wouldn't really talk about the octomom. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about her fertility doctor, and the fact that he's got another multiple births coming down the pipe in the next few months. Seems that he's gotten a woman pregnant with quadruplets, after depositing seven embryos into her. Oh, and she's currently hospitalized, because the strain may be too much for her body to take. Also, this is a field were anything more than twins is considered a "poor outcome". If only there was some sort of committee that would look into regulating medical treatment, or possibly even an ethics board or something.

Worthless Award
We all know people who really wish that it was their job to do absolutely nothing. Well, it turns out that it may not be all that great in the long run, as the Cheboygan County, MI, drain commissioner has asked to be fired, due to the overall lack of drains in Cheboygan County. It's exactly that kind of honesty that has kept the person from being elected to anything OTHER than "drain commissioner".

Seeing Red Award
Just a quick tip, folks. When you're pulled over for running a red light, don't tell the police that you ran the light "because it was red". They probably won't like that too much. You know, unless you can prove that you're also part bull.

Self-Stealing Truck Award
What would you do if you came out of a convenience store to find your truck missing? Well, like most people, you'd probably call the police. What would you do when the police found that the truck had backed itself into a parking spot across the street? We'd suggest placing the vehicle in park, and removing the keys from the ignition.

Bless You, Unemployment Award
Leave it to a high-ranking member of the Church of England to put this whole economic downturn into perspective. According to him, losing your job might actually be a blessing, as it could allow you to "reconsider what you really want out of life." This works even better if one determines that regular meals and a stable home environment are just not that important anymore.

And that wraps it up for our awards this week. We'll see you next week, after we make it past the holiday bump. Stay safe out there.

Drink, crash, profit

People are always looking for the mysterious second component to their plans. You know what plans we're talking about. They generally start with step one being something random, and step three being profit. It's always that second step that proves elusive.

Well, a 19-year-old Illinois man figured out a step two that went along with his personal step one, which was to underage drink. His step two? Getting into an accident, and becoming paralyzed.

How did he profit from this turn of events? Simple. He simply turned around and sued the mother of the two girls who were providing the drink at the party he attended. Why the mother? Well, the girls were underaged, too. So it's not like they could have been held responsible.

Except, according to all indications, the mother didn't provide the alcohol. In fact, she didn't even know that something was happening at her house. Sure, her daughters had been caught drinking before, but that's not a definite indication that they would again (it's a good sign, but it's no guarantee). The man left the house intoxicated, crashed his car, and found a way to the result achieved above.

Look, we're all in favor of putting a stop to underage drinking, but there also should be a level of personal responsibility. The fact that the man, who was old enough to vote, enlist, and do a number of other adult things, was awarded millions of dollars, largely due to his own negligence, seems ridiculous.

Besides, we all know he's just going to spend the money on booze.

Losing a leg to stand on

We admit to being torn today. A large part of us wanted to highlight an article that mentioned how body language can give indications of wealth. Something about rich people generally using ruder gestures, which nobody saw coming. There was another part of us that wanted to talk about the Scientology vault that's being built in Wyoming, if for no other reason than because it was actually told to stop being built. Something about permits.

But instead, we found a story coming from the Vatican. A story that is certainly interesting, especially in light of recent perspectives revolving around how humanity got to be the way that we are (no, not morally bankrupt in too many cases; we're talking bipedal, among other things). It could send shivers through the education community.

Why is that? Because the Vatican has come out saying that Darwin's theories of evolution are actually completely compatible with Christian doctrine. Even more to the point, the Church seems ready to remove further power from the concept of "Intelligent Design", by examining it as a "cultural phenomenon".

So what now? Intelligent design has been used by people unwilling to accept evolution, often because they feel it disagrees with their religious beliefs. Now the Church, which never really condemned Darwin's concepts in the first place, is saying that evolution is a fine fit, and they're not even looking at the alternative created by religious individuals as a viable option. At least, not really. Will this lead to fewer arguments and more open, honest discussion about how something so rooted in science could fit together with a more religious approach? Will people strive for greater understanding? Or will people dig their heels in even more, and insist that intelligent design is somehow more valid?

This is what we could be researching. Instead, we get to learn how the rich are ruder than the poor.

Probably because they don't have to drink Thunderbird.

He said, she said

So many arguments start because of a simple disagreement or misunderstanding. While a fair number of these arguments will actually escalate to physical confrontation, it seems like actual fisticuffs aren't thrown unless there's something major as an underlying cause to the argument. Even then, it's generally in the more extreme cases.

But, darn it all, people can just get so worked up about when the library opens.

That's what sparked a confrontation between a Massachusetts man and his live-in girlfriend. The fight started at 11am, and continued until 4pm, with the man allegedly punching the woman in the head when she tried to leave. It was until his cell phone rang three hours later that she was able to escape.

Seriously, people? Going to those extremes after bickering over whether the library opens at 10 or at 11? That seems a little unreasonable. Of course, one of these individuals felt that the best way to keep someone from leaving was to punch them in the head, so, you know, points for effectiveness, but many more docked for rational thinking. Especially when there are some very quick and easy ways to solve the argument as it was laid out.

Unless the man was asking because he really needed to return some Jane Austen novels he'd checked out. After all, nobody wants a library fine these days.

Taking a break

Maybe more criminals need to exercise. Not that we really want to see a bunch of really physically fit crooks out there, making life harder for police officers and average citizens, but it might have finally reached that point.

After all, when someone tries to rob a store, makes off with a couple of beers, and then sits on a bench right outside, it definitely raises some alarm.

Yes, you read that correctly. A man stole two beers after failing to get any more than that from the clerk, and was found a short time later on a bench outside of the store. Naturally, at this point, he decided to try to resist arrest, but, after having gone the distance of, literally, yards for his getaway, the crook wasn't able to do much more than get handcuffed.

Of course, we've had the warning signs for years. Obesity has been going up and up, and people haven't really been putting much of a stop to it. So it's no surprise, especially with today's economy, that people who aren't in the best shape of their lives are making the move to crime. Oh, and we should note that, if the man had made it to the store approximately thirty minutes earlier, he might not have needed to try and rob the place.

We just hope that the beer was really tasty.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 26, 2009

January is coming to a close, which means that spring is sneaking up on us. How do we know this? Easy! Sunday we'll get to find out just how close spring is! Sure, we could just look at a calendar and tick off the weeks, but why should we bother doing that when we've got a rodent that can help us out? Besides, they seem to be one of the few creatures that are recession-proof, and we've got to give some credit to that. Anyway, here are our awards for this week.

Lying While Standing Award
We all know that you aren't supposed to lie when you're on the stand during a trial. Well, you shouldn't lie in general, but this is much more specific. But what happens when the police are the ones lying? Oh, if only there was some sort of punishment that could be given out to people who lie while under oath...

Greased Palm Award
This may come as a shock to people, but not all strip clubs in Las Vegas are created equal. Sure, they have the same basic building blocks when it comes to their construction, but some get more of a, um, leg up, when it comes to business. That extra boost often comes from taxi cab drivers. Even more shocking, often the cabbies hype the places that offer them the biggest kickbacks. It's almost like there's an entire seedy underculture to the vibrant, family-oriented entertainment that Las Vegas is so well known for.

Stolen for Trade Award
What would you do if your car was stolen? Probably call the police, hoping that they'd find it. What would you do if your stolen car was returned? More specifically, if it was returned by the people who stole it in the first place? That's exactly what happened to a California woman, when the thief decided that he didn't want her Mustang in the first place, and then proceeded to steal a neighbors Toyota.. Insert your own joke about people not even wanting a free Ford.

Look at the Cups, Man Award
So maybe news has been a little slow ever since the new President was sworn into office. Or maybe journalists are trying to fill space in an attempt to prove their worth. Either way, we get a story about how cups from 7-11 commemorating the inauguration may be flipping us off. Just think, a few short weeks ago, we weren't wondering if there were cups giving us the middle finger. We were wondering if it was the Vice President.

PJs for the Homeless Award
No, it's not what you think. The city of Denver, in order to show support for the fight against homelessness, encouraged residents to wear pajamas all day, culminating in a pajama party to raise money. Well, you know what they say. If it works for Victoria's Secret...

Happy Birthday, Champ Award
This is a sweet story, and we just have to close out our awards with it. A Nevada kindergartner got the birthday surprise of his life when he opened an over-sized present, and found that the gift was his father, back from a tour of duty in Iraq. The first sign that it might have been his father? Giant air holes punched around the lid of the box, and a water bottle filled with Coors Light.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be away next week doing our civic duty, but we'll see you in a few. Stay safe out there.

Name recognition

Sometimes, being known is a good thing. It can open up doors for you, both figuratively and literally, as people may just be willing to bend over backwards to help out. It can lead to new and exciting career choices, or it can allow you to utilize your mind now for greater opportunities later.

Of course, having name recognition isn't always a good thing, and it can backfire. Sure, being an intern with the District Attorney, and an up-and-coming lawyer to boot, can help out when you're interacting with the police. Unfortunately, when you're drunk, ordering them to drive you home, and are the targets of some of your vitriol, maybe being known isn't such a good thing.

Forgetting key things like the Miranda Code, a young lawyer-to-be from Harvard may have watched his career get drained quicker than a bottle of tequila over the weekend, as he ordered police to drive him home while he was drunk, because he was an intern for the DA. Among some of the young man's other highlights? Insulting the police, pointing out why people don't like them, planning to lie and cheat to hurt them in court, and calling the DA an "expletive". We're not entirely sure how exactly a person could be a type of word in our language, but we're willing to go with it. It's not like a paper would sensor itself because young, impressionable minds might read it.

In fact, maybe they should have used the real words. After all, the star of the story is a fairly young, impressionable mind himself. And maybe, if he'd been able to see something along these lines earlier in his own development, he might have been able to avoid the pitfalls that he found himself in.

Of course, he also might never have gotten a ride that night.

A family reunion

People miss their families. We get that. We really do. We just think that there are times when people go a little too extreme when it comes to trying to reconnect with loved ones they haven't seen in awhile.

For example, it's a little over-the-top to get yourself arrested so that you can spend more time with your convict sibling.

And yet, that's exactly what a Michigan man did recently. After breaking into a gas station, the man dialed 911 on himself, and informed the police that he wanted to be arrested so that he and his brother could have a little more quality time.

Isn't that what visitations are for? Sure, it's not a super long time, and, depending on the crime, a lot of the visitation is done through a tinny telephone connection, but come on? Getting yourself arrested just because your brother's in jail? That's definitely a new level of familial commitment.

We just have to wonder if the two men will really be spending too much time together while in prison. On one hand, they are brothers, and could probably help watch each other's back. On the other hand, one of them did set out to get arrested so that they could have that special time together.

Although, if we've learned anything from sitcoms, we can rest assured that hijinks will happen. It's a rule with siblings behind bars.

Some people's children

At one time or another, a large number of Americans have used false identification. Sometimes, they're doing it because they want to get into a club and they aren't 21 yet. Other times, it's because they're a celebrity and are trying to hide from the paparazzi. And then there's always the people who are just paranoid and don't like to be too exposed. But it's a relatively common occurrence, and therefore isn't generally newsworthy.

We say "generally". After all, it isn't all that common that the person with the false identification complains to the police after a club turned her away.

To make things worse, the 15-year-old girl was in a different nightclub when the officers went to arrest her, and, after giving a pile of false information, she tried to run, only to be foiled by a speed bump. Oh, and when the police talked to her grandmother, it turned out that she was a runaway.

Man, kids these days. Back when we were 15, we never would have considered going to the police to complain that our fake ID didn't work.

You know, unless we knew the cops really well.

The wonder drug

Not long ago, we got to highlight an article about coffee, and how people that drank more of the wonderful stuff were more likely to "suffer" from hallucinations and paranormal experiences. Right, because anyone really suffers from those things (we kid, we kid). Anyways, it turns out that coffee has more to it than just granting the ability to see things.

It could also keep you from suffering from dementia.

While these two effects may not go hand-in-hand with each other, it does give some new hope to people who regularly take in the black gold of the coffee bean. Sure, with enough of it, you might start seeing ghosts wandering around your house, but you'll also be comforted to know that you're much less likely to develop Alzheimer's. You're also less likely to develop diabetes.

The study mainly focused on people that drank between 3 and 5 cups per day, noting that, while there were people in the study who drank more than that, the number was statistically irrelevant. Well, darn it, we take offense to that. Why exclude OUR people from such a study? Sure, your research shows that they may be even less likely, but you're cutting out an important part of your findings by eliminating that particular group.

Besides, it's good to know how many college students are prime candidates for dementia later in life. It would certainly explain some research subjects.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 19, 2009

What a week this has been. We've seen a new President being sworn in (something that only took a couple of tries, too... you'd think they would have had a dress rehearsal or something), we've watched an old President leave in a helicopter, and we've seen the former Vice President melt away into the shadows, once again content to haunt the dreams of children from the depths of their closets. There's even been news that didn't originate in Washington, DC, and that's what we're here for. So let's get these awards started, shall we?

The Sweet Smell of Theft Award
Sometimes, people just need the essentials. Sometimes, people need a lot of the essentials, possibly because they're planning an extended trip into the wilderness, with no stores nearby. And, well, sometimes people just grab a lot of the essentials because they're a little off-kilter. That's probably the case with the Buffalo man arrested for stealing 44 sticks of deodorant, and putting them down his pants. In his defense, he was just trying to use the deodorant to cover up the smell of Axe body spray.

Cowabunga Award
A sad story emerged out of the University of Cincinnati recently, as a man was robbed, with money taken directly from the wallet he left haphazardly lying around. Correction, it was his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wallet. The wallet was left, but now the student has no idea of how to purchase a pizza.

Do Not Call Award
Maybe they're doing something wrong in Canada. It seems that the "Do Not Call" registry hasn't quite worked the way they intended. In fact, the lists are being bought by telemarketers and scam artists to give them a new list of targets. Canadian officials are aware of the problem, but are unsure of how to solve it. Obviously, NOT SELLING THE LISTS would be too obvious.

PopeTube Award
Finally, there's a place we can turn to when we need our inspiration, but are stuck at the computer. Sure, there may have been other semi-religious (or very religious) sites and pages out there, but now we can get the Word directly from the horse's mouth. That's right, folks, the Vatican has their own YouTube channel. It won't be long now before those pictures of naked nuns are actual nuns.

Drinking Driving Twofer Award
We've had stories like this before, but we just can't avoid them. After all, when one person gets busted for drunk driving, it's a normal event. When a second person gets busted, you can assume it's been a party. When they both get busted in the same car, well, there's a reason they got caught for drunk driving. In all fairness, the recent weather has made roads slippery, and therefore much harder for drunks to steer on.

Out of Work Award
What do you do when you're an elected official, and you lose your re-election bid? Well, most candidates fade away from the public spotlight. Some launch lengthy court battles to keep their positions. And still others file for unemployment, citing "lost election/fired" as the reason they deserve the compensation. So at least there's hope, right?

Fight Fight Fight Award
What could possibly go wrong with an open bar party and an Ultimate Fighting Championship on the pay-per-view? Would you believe that guests fought amongst themselves? People, people, people... this is exactly how Backyard Wrestling got started. Do we really need to go down that path again?

Well that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, as we close out January, and prep ourselves for a little civil service. Stay safe out there.

Real thinkers

People make mistakes. It just goes with the territory of being human. While many mistakes that get made are harmless, and possibly amusing, some can cause quite a bit of discomfort. And then, of course, there are things that people do that may not seem like mistakes until after the fact. However, we can't simply write about mistakes that became apparent in the shining light of the past.

So instead, we have to find examples that really may not have displayed the best judgement.

Take, for example, an interview with an oil company executive. When asked about gas prices, he tried to joke that they were "too low". Right, because your company just isn't making quite as obscene of profits as it was when gas cost $4/gallon? Oh, that's right, you only charged that much because you needed to cover your own costs. None of that money went into your company's coffers. You know, except for that record-setting profit you got to make each month that prices went up. Listen, when the country is in a recession, and people are scraping and scratching for money, the last thing you should probably do is talk about something being too cheap, especially when you aren't the one who isn't sure if they'll be able to afford that box of macaroni and cheese later on.

Speaking of scratching for money, that's the subject of our second story today. We do we highlight this one? Well, because it's about a woman who may very well have won a lot of money off of a scratch-off lottery ticket. Because she didn't believe it herself, she gave the ticket to a friend and asked them to take it to a gas station to verify the winnings. Now, at this point, a few things leap out at us. First off, why have it taken to a gas station? It's not like they will happen to have that much money on-hand, in case someone does win multiple thousands off of a ticket. Secondly, why would she pass the ticket to a friend to verify? Sure, there are always people out there who would do exactly what was asked of them in this situation, but there are plenty of others who would seek some sort of commission for having to do the leg work. In this situation, the "friend" decided that their commission was 100%, and scampered away with the ticket.

Who knows, though? Maybe the friend is sitting on the ticket, waiting until gas prices rise to a more normal level.

Our leader could beat up your leader

Here in America, yesterday was a day of pomp, circumstance, celebration, inebriation, and lots and lots of music. Oh, and we swore in a new leader, which may have had something to do with the aforementioned things. Or not. We can't be positive.

Meanwhile, over the weekend, New Zealanders got to witness something, too. No, they didn't elect a new leader and put him in office. What they did get to see was the person running their country shake the hands of around 120 rugby players.

Not impressed? Well, now realize that he did it with a broken arm, and went to the hospital afterwards.

That's right, America. We can be proud of having recently elected someone who has given the world hope again, someone who makes people think that maybe, just maybe, we'll have a President who listens to the people. New Zealand, meanwhile, will be proud knowing that their prime minister can fall, snap his arm, meet up with rugby players (possibly playing a scrum or two, the story doesn't say), and then wander off to the hospital because it wasn't "quite right". Can we say the same thing about our new President, or any past office holder? Sure, we had the President that understood the first part of the equation (the falling part), but what did he do with it? Did he play some football before heading off to get an x-ray? No, he instead chose to lead a long, semi-successful acting career, until his ill-fated late-night talk show.

What? Chevy Chase was President once, right?

Drunk on the job

It wasn't long ago that certain people in South America were told that being drunk could no longer get them fired, Iowa City is looking in a different direction. While they aren't outright threatening firing, they are planning something else, and it affects establishments that sell alcohol.

They're considering random breath testing for wait staff and entertainment.

On one hand, this move actually makes sense. If wait staff, bartenders, and/or bouncers are able to drink during the course of their duties, it could certainly impair their judgement, and could lead to people sneaking fake IDs past, or possibly people drinking beyond the point where they should have been cut off. After all, those that are responsible for directly giving access to the bar, or handing off the liquor to customers, should be held accountable, and testing their sobriety during a shift makes sense.

But entertainers? This could usher in a strange time. We could start seeing stand-up comedians regularly drinking soda or water (which, again, makes some sense, with their reliance on speech). But musicians, as well? Given that part of a bar's payment to entertainment often lumps in at least a discount on purchases from the bar, this could lead to bars either being expected to pay more actual money to their entertainers, or to those entertainers being expected to get paid even less. While there are always people who make it big, for every one that does, there are literally hundreds (if not thousands) who are scraping by, and a free beer now and then can help make ends meet.

Although, if it keeps people from getting too drunk, then it's all for the best. After all, the world really only needs one Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, or Ron White.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 12, 2009

Another week, and another round of awards. We've decided to avoid taking any shots at the outgoing President. After all, this is his last full week on the job, and he probably needs a pick-me-up wherever he can get it. But that's alright, because we've got plenty of other stories to share, so let's get rolling.

Pet of the Sea Award
Have you ever sat around thinking that fish get a raw deal? We're not talking about when they're used for sushi, we're talking about how people just seem to take them for granted. Well, we haven't either, but that's not going to stop PETA, who are looking to spin a new PR campaign for fish by starting to call them "Sea Kittens". Silly PETA. Cats are afraid of water.

Hail Mary Award
A Chilean fashion designer is drawing the ire of the Catholic church, thanks to a new show he's got planned that feature *gasp* attractive busty women dressed as the Virgin Mary. The breasts were described as "ample, near-naked". Which is just crazy, because everyone knows that Mary was an A cup. Now Salome, on the other hand...

No Pope, No Hope Award
Speaking of the Church, the Vatican has released some of the details about how they deal with the worst of sins. These are sins that can only be forgiven by the Pope, which means that things like murder and genocide aren't on the list. So what is? Defiling the Eucharist, abusing the confidentiality of the confessional, and assassinating the Pope. Yeah, that last one really becomes a pain to get absolution for, what with the victim being the guy who can actually help out.

Stopping the Buck Award
The state of Florida made a fairly big mistake a few years back, selling private information garnered from licensed drivers to marketing firms. Information included things like date of birth, social security numbers and medical condition. The settlement, which is in the $10M range, will of course see proceeds going to Florida drivers. To the tune of $1 per. Because nothing makes us feel better after our personal information is sold than a Taco Bell burrito.

Gassy Planet Award
Scientists observing from Earth have found that Mars is practically belching methane gas, which could indicate life. While scientists can't be certain that the cause is biological, it at least shows them at Mars itself is still going through changes. In the meantime, Jupiter has been seen sneaking around Mars' bathroom cabinet, depositing packets of Gas-X.

... is Feeling Stabby Award
How can you be pretty certain that you'll be arrested for premeditated homicide? Post your consideration of it on your Facebook page. Oh, social networking. Is there nothing you can't do (obviously, other than teaching people not to talk about or show pictures of crime on their personal pages)?

Ah, Regret Award
We've heard of plenty of people who do things that they later regret. We don't often hear about people who then attempt to sue over evidence of those events. That's just what a woman from Florida did, though, after pictures and video of her participation in wet t-shirt contests, a banana eating contests, and a "sexual positions" contest appeared. The judge, however, ruled against her, due to a lack of evidence, and the fact that it did not "create the impression of an actual sex act". So, we're guessing that she lost the last contest, then.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you after the long weekend is over, when a new President is sworn in, and all of the cartoon animals appear from their long, dark, hibernation to sway along with music and dance. Or something like that. Stay safe out there.

No, you drive

It's always a good plan, after a night of drinking, to make sure that you have a designated driver. It's probably a better plan to let that person actually do the driving, but there are people that just want to buck the trend, and keep a DD on hand just in case they get a little sleepy.

And then there's a couple of people in New York, who didn't quite get a hang of the concept. Sure, the driver pulled the car over, and changed spots with the passenger, because he was too drunk to drive. The only problem?

The passenger was drunk, too.

The two were noticed by the police while they were pulled over to the side of the road, trading places in the vehicle. Unfortunately for them, they didn't suddenly become Dan Aykroyd or Eddie Murphy, and by trading places, they didn't miraculously sober up, as was proven by the immediate tailgating of another vehicle. One can assume that a couple of older gentlemen may have had a bet placed on the outcome, but we can't be certain, because the two drivers were both charged with DWIs.

This is a prime example of how simply selecting a designated driver in your head doesn't do the job. In fact, both people may have assumed that the other would avoid drinking, so that they'd have a safe passage home, and yet both found themselves in no condition to be driving.

Of course, it's more likely that neither man was even thinking about remaining sober. In fact, there's a good chance that the cry of, "Let's see how many shots we can do" was echoed out at some point before the two left the bars.

Oh, if only they'd had a third person with them. Except, with their luck, it would have been a third drunk person.

One coffee, Mr. Leprechaun

We almost feel obligated to write about this story. After all, look at our title, and you'll see that the news is about a subject near and dear to our hearts. Well, maybe near and dear to our stomachs, bladders, and brain chemistry, but those are all relatively close to the heart. Besides, it's not every day that we get to learn new and wonderful things that coffee can do for us, but today is one of those days.

So, coffee, we knew many of the benefits you provided, but we had no idea that you helped us communicate with the dead and have hallucinations. Good work indeed.

According to a study done in the UK (who seem to get all of the best studies), heavy coffee drinkers are more prone to seeing things and thinking they can communicate with ghosts than people who only have a little caffeine every day. Basically, anyone that had the caffeine equivalent of seven cups were about three times as likely to have some sort of extra-sensory experience.

What this tells us is that caffeine has benefits that we never understood. Sure, we were used to the idea that it helped give us a quick jolt to stay awake, and, in moderation, may even help us maintain our focus on the task at hand. We've even utilized it for its ability to, um, get things moving, if you catch our drift. But now we know that coffee can help us speak to grandma one more time, or at least maybe find out why our car keys keep getting moved off of the shelf we set them down on.

Now, if you don't mind, we're off to get another cup. That unicorn with the muffins on its horn won't be there all day.

Opposable thumbs triumph

Take that, all of you creatures out there that don't have opposable thumbs. You can't grip things the same way that we humans can, and we're finally taking a stand. Sure, for centuries we've been able to do things that you can't, like hold onto bottles and give a definite sign showing our pleasure our displeasure (used to great effect in movie reviewing), but we've always had a bit of a monkey on our backs about the whole thing. So we've finally decided that enough is enough, and we've made our stand in a small Alabama town.

Oh yeah, animals. Take that. We've kicked one of your own out of the post office! In your face, which you could wipe off with a tissue if only your thumbs worked like ours.

Sure, it may seem like a token gesture to boot a cat out of the post office, but this is a significant in opposable vs. non-opposable history. Sure, there are some softies in the human contingent that are trying to step around the decrees set down by a right-thinking individual by getting the cat a PO box, but come on, people. It doesn't pay taxes. It shouldn't be allowed to traipse wherever it chooses, because, in some of those places, it might just decide to give itself a bath. And not with soap, because that requires a fully functional thumb.

Oh, this is a beautiful moment for humanity. Sure, plenty of people may think that it's a crazy (and empty) gesture made by someone who might need a little stress ball, but we think it's a great step forward.

Next on our list are those with prehensile tails. Seriously, what good is grabbing things with something that's behind you? Sheesh.

Thinking of the children

While we aren't parents ourselves, we can see how it would be hard for people raising children in today's world. From the economic turmoil to pointing out that the first-born was conceived at home due to gas prices being too high for Mommy and Daddy to get a nice hotel room for their anniversary all the way to the question of just how much television is too much, it's a rough world. So it's a good thing that there are parents out there who are helping to pave the road for everyone else.

Take, for example, a mother from Florida, who is upset about a belt worn by a doll she bought for her daughter. The mother believes that the belt, which reads "Enter", crosses the line, and is too sexually explicit for a Bratz doll.

Wait, what? There's something too explicit for a Bratz doll? Maybe we're wrong, but aren't these the dolls that are basically dressed like what Barbie would wear if she was trying to skank it up a bit for a night on the town? Aren't Bratz to the doll world what the Pussycat Dolls are to the music world; overly made-up tarts who are shameless knock-offs of more successful figures?

Well, thank goodness that there's a mother out there who just won't tolerate this kind of filth. Sure, she could decide to stop buying Bratz dolls entirely, given that the dolls stray towards "stripperish", but instead, she's offended about the word "Enter". And yes, we do feel that the word itself, especially in that location, does cross lines that should remain uncrossed, but we also don't think that's anywhere near to the worst thing about the Bratz line.

After all, we'd hate for our own future children to believe that you can pluralize things by adding a "z" to the end of a word.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 5, 2009

Welcome to our first awards for the year 2009. We definitely enjoyed the run through 2008, and we're looking ahead to this year, which will undoubtedly bring us more craziness in the form of elected officials, crazy criminals, and simply goofy events from around the world. In fact, it looks like today's awards have a little bit of all that, so we're just going to dive into the deep end.

Blagoje-peached Award
Well, that didn't take long. After it first surfaced that he just might be a little corrupt, it really did beg the question as to how long Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich would remain in office. The first volley has now been fired, as the Illinois House has voted to impeach the governor. If only there was an Illinois politician who the nation could look towards to help restore state and national image...

Red Ticker Tape Award
You know that there's something wrong with your country when you actually sponsor a contest where the winner is somehow who had to wade through the most ridiculous amount of red tape. Even worse when the contest is sponsored by the government. Meanwhile, the US Senate merely looks at the requirements the Mexican winner went through as a minor inconvenience, and they vow to deliberate for weeks on whether or not they can get even more ridiculous, before deciding to actually make an impact in the final week of the year.

Stripped Down Economics Award
We understand. Nobody likes paying taxes. But that's no reason to go around not claiming your tips as income. Especially when you get $80,000 in one year for taking your clothes off. On the plus side, that medical degree should totally be paid off by now.

Sex Sells Award
We know, we know, the title of this award seems like a bit of a "duh" moment, but you'd also think that people would see a sexually provocative ad for a lingerie and sex toy shop and register the same thing. You know, unless they're in Britain, where they think it's a little much. Because sex shops shouldn't advertise sex. That's what prime time television is for.

Britney the Chaste Award
This may come as a shock to some people, but Britney Spears has grown up. She's even singing dirty songs now. Admittedly, getting children to sing "If You Seek Amy" (read it to yourself) could be funny while sitting with just the family, it can be embarrassing when at church or a restaurant. You know, unless you plan on putting video of it on YouTube.

Seems Legit Award
Moving on from the sexually charged stories, we find a story of a woman who admitted to embezzling thousands from her employer. But that's okay, because she was totally going to pay it back when she got her millions from a Nigerian princess. In other news, people still haven't figured out that giving strangers money over the internet in return for promises of greater money won't really pay off.

Ol' Crazy Eyes Award
When plucking out your own eyeball isn't enough to get you off of death row, what do you do? If you're a Texas inmate, you wait four years, then pluck out your other eye and eat it. The man is now in psychiatric counseling, and is hoping to record a duet of "I Can See Clearly Now" with Stevie Wonder.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this first week of the year. We'll see you next week, as we inch ever closer to the final day of the Gdub Administration, and the first day of, depending on who you ask, complete destruction or the return of Eden. Stay safe out there.

You might be Minnesotan if...

There are a lot of ways to indicate that you just might be a Minnesotan. Obviously, the first and foremost is that you live in the state that may have just elected a comedian to higher office. Another sign would be wearing shorts throughout December, only putting on pants in January because it's "a little nippy". And still another sign would, naturally, be having ice houses set up around lakes in the Twin Cities.

Ah, but don't go assuming that your ice house is just as secure as your regular house. In fact, if you decide to put fancy electronics like stereos and flat-screen TVs in there, you might just get robbed.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, not the robbing part, but that's true, too. What you read correctly was that people have been using expensive electronics inside of their ice houses. While we understand that ice fishing can be a slow way to pass the time, we can't really comprehend wanting to bring something large and valuable out onto the ice. Sure, the lakes are going to be frozen over until at least March, but this is also a state where people drive trucks out onto ice that's barely frozen solid, and other people lose their ice houses entirely because they forgot to get the thing OFF of the ice before the spring thaw.

In fact, just about the only thing we can really imagine bringing into an ice house (other than ice fishing equipment and ways to keep yourself warm) would be a case of Ice House. It won't make the beer taste any better, but enough of it, and you won't care how cold it is, or how it's been since a fish toyed with your line.

Although we would miss catching up on "Judge Judy" while we're out there.

Not in the book

We understand that these are tough economic times. We know that it's hard for people to make ends meet, and sometimes, it seems like the best option is to supplement your paychecks with a little discounted shopping. And, by discounted, we mean a 100% discount.

But here's a quick tip if that's a course of action you really feel you need to take. Leave your kids at home.

We know that family time, much like money, is something people just don't have enough of these days. And yet, that doesn't excuse the trip taken by the family mentioned in the article. Especially since it seems that only one parent was really involved in the shoplifting. The other parent could easily have stayed home, watching the little ones and an episode of Dora the Explorer. Of course, we highly doubt that these tips we've included are also part of the book "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom", which was part of the attempted shoplifting loot. In fact, we'd be surprised if there's a section of petty larceny at all in the book.

After all, some authors just don't know how to market to an expanded audience.

Snow White and the seven vertically challenged men

We really toyed with writing a story about how Canadians are being taught how to shovel snow. Yes, you read that correctly. One would think that Canadians would know all about snow, but apparently that's not the case. And yet, one story climbed over the top of the mound of fresh powder and snapped our attention. Quite possibly, this is because we remember a book written some years ago as a humorous update to many fairy tales of old.

It may be time to revive the printing of said book, as it seems that large numbers of parents are abandoning reading and telling fairy tales to their children. While some parents are citing that the stories could be scary for little ones, a large number are refusing to keep the stories alive for a different reason.

It's because they aren't politically correct.

Well, heck, we knew all along that the stories weren't PC. But that isn't going to stop us from relating them to our kids when we have them. Heck no. If anything, these stories almost need to be told because they help gain an understanding of the time they were written in. Especially for many of these tales, that have been used for centuries to help relay messages to children, and to help fuel imaginations. But, for some parents (probably raised on these very same fairy tales, mind you), the stories just shouldn't be, because of the potentially harmful terms used in the stories.

In many ways, this would be like going back to classic movies and removing scenes because of the fact that they also aren't PC. And what really is PC, these days? After all, don't the terms change every couple of years, because of a change in sensitivities around the words? Some phrases that weren't acceptable a mere ten years ago have been made acceptable once again. In fact, to stay on the cutting edge of what is and what isn't politically correct, you'd have to have some sort of lens into the future.

Besides, we're fairly certain that "Goldilocks and the Three Ursine Americans" just won't have the same ring.

Hip hip brr

Oh, poor Alaska. Here you are, the 49th state, home of the former Vice Presidential candidate (who can, incidentally, see Russia from her house), and now you're getting ready to celebrate your 50th year of statehood. You're only 100 years behind Minnesota, but you do share something in common.

It's freaking cold.

Admittedly, Minnesota hasn't had to cancel fireworks yet because of the cold, but give the state time. After all, Alaska, you're not that much further north, really. And hey, you've got things to look forward to.

For example, you can look forward to the eventual thawing of the planet that will bring your temperatures back into a reasonable range. You can look forward to knowing that tabloids want pictures of your governor's grandchild. And you can look forward to those shiny fireworks. Possibly later on this week, even, according to organizers who are hoping that temperatures near 30 below zero won't be enough to snuff the fires used to light the wicks.

And yet we're supposed to believe that the vampires in 30 Days of Night didn't need at least a jacket. Right...

Year End Wrap Around

Yes, we know that the year officially ended after that magical second on Wednesday night. And yet, here we sit, not quite ready to let the end of the year go quite yet. This is due to a number of things, ranging from the fact that yesterday was a vacation day, today's a Friday, and we're just all around lazy when it comes to finding stories for today. But that's just fine by us, which is why we present to you today's list...

The Top 7 Days of the Week

7. Tuesday
There's really nothing glamorous about Tuesdays. Sure, they aren't Mondays, but at least Monday gets people riled up and passionate. Tuesday? People are just hoping that there's something on television.

6. Thursday
Thursday isn't much better than Tuesday in the grand scheme of things. It's not quite Friday, but it's closer than Wednesday is. In fact, the only thing that Thursday really has going for it is that it is sort of the beginning of the weekend, or at least it was in college. And when a day is best looked at as an excuse to get to the bars early, you know it's got problems.

5. Sunday
We feel bad bashing on a weekend day, specifically the day of rest, but there's just one major problem with Sunday. It's hard to really enjoy the day when you know that work is looming a mere 24 hours away.

4. Wednesday
Yes, we rate this higher than Sunday. After all, it has the nickname of "Hump Day". We all know that they aren't talking about camels...

3. Friday
This is the day when the weekend really gets rolling, and, even if you work a 9-5 M-F job, it's usually one of the more palatable. Besides, for night owls like us, Friday provides the first real opportunity to stay awake longer than you should without having anything important to do the next day.

2. Saturday
Saturday's kind of like Friday at the end of it, with things to do, reasons to stay up late, and an overall drive towards enjoying the hours without worrying about work the next day. As an extra bonus, Saturday allows people to sleep in, giving them the energy for that late night. And yet, it still comes in at number 2 on our list.

1. Payday
It doesn't matter what day of the week this falls on. Any day where you can walk away with more money in your pocket (or bank account) than you had at the start of the day is automatically the best day of the week. And just think, some criminals get to experience payday every day!

Cheers, one and all. We'll be back next week, returning to our regularly scheduled programming.