Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 13, 2009

The weather is turning, winter sports are entering their playoff stretches, and people are obsessing over the President's choice in dogs. Are there any better signs that spring has truly sprung across the country? Just like flowers, we've got awards springing up out of the ground, so let's get started.

Raising the Bar Award
For a long time, if a teacher was going to do something wrong with their students, it was going to be sexual in nature. A Baltimore teacher decided to take things one step beyond, and has been charged with producing crack cocaine. Her students have been categorized as being "energetic", and her classroom is often spotless.

Jusht Pull Over Anywhere Award
Many people, at one point in their life or another, will get behind the wheel of a car when they really shouldn't. Sometimes the bad decisions are just due to tiredness, and other times, they're due to having imbibed a substance that impairs judgement. So we have to commend the subject of this story for not drinking and driving. Unfortunately, they lose that commendation for being drunk while trying to teach someone how to drive. That certainly explains the poor marks on driving tests for "willing to stop at a bar".

Gangster With a Heart of Gold Award
We all know about Al Capone, the hard-nosed, cutthroat gangster, willing to sacrifice anyone that stood in the way of his crime sprees. But how many of us know about Al Capone the songwriter? Given that his song is being recorded, we fully expect to hear versions from Clay Aiken, Michael Bolton, and a hip-hop rendition by Jay-Z within the next couple of years.

Hot Hot Hot Award
Remember a while back, when an elderly woman sued McDonald's because their coffee was hot? Now imagine that someone is suing over similar circumstances, but they're doing it over a product that they heated themselves. That's the case of a woman suing a beauty manufacturer for the burns she incurred removing their body wax from the microwave. No mention of whether or not the woman also plans on suing Dairy Queen because her Dilly Bars got cold in the freezer.

Splish Splash Award
How many times have you fantasized about waking up to find a young, naked stranger in your hot tub? How many times have those fantasies included the notion that the stranger was passed out from drinking too much? The homeowner was quoted as calling it a "pretty hard way to wake up". We're fairly certain that being woken up by police while you're naked in a hot tub would also qualify. We also fully expect that the porn industry is going to work to take that quote and make a series of films about it. Probably involving some sort of milk delivery.

Religion vs. Responsibility Award
Remember a little bit ago when the state of Iowa made it clear that same-sex marriage was legal? Yeah, as it turns out, even though it's been legalized, there may be county clerks deciding not to sign the certificates, because it goes against their religious beliefs. If only there was some sort of statute describing ways to keep government and religion apart from each other.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next time, as we step further into a (relatively) shower-less April.

Work on your excuses

Have you ever tried to explain away something you did, except the excuse doesn't actually make it any better? This seems to happen to all of us at least once in our lives, but sometimes, it's just a bit more awkward than it is at other times. Like when you explain that you couldn't make it into work because you had an interview somewhere else. Or how about when you skip out on a family dinner, but your excuse is that you have to take the dog for a walk?

Still, one thing we do know is that it's generally a good idea to at least make sure you understand common definitions. That way, when you get arrested for drunk driving, you can't try and fight the DUI charge because you weren't drunk. You were stoned, instead.

Admittedly, the person accused of doing just that in our story is a mere 18 years of age, and therefore might have been trying to avoid getting another fine for drinking while under 21, but to claim that he was stoned and therefore wasn't guilty of DUI is just foolish. Last we checked, DUI stands for "Driving Under the Influence". Sure, it may be implied that the "influence" mentioned is the influence of alcohol, but plenty of police take a more liberal view. Heck, sometimes if you're hopped up on Vicodin and Dr. Pepper, that'll be enough for the cops to pull you over and write up the ticket.

Oh, one other thing. When you're accused of one crime, don't try and beg out of it by admitting to a different one. At least, not with the minor offenses. It really is just a lose-lose situation at that point.

At least wait until you've got a bigger charge in front of you...

Floating a holiday

When is Columbus Day not Columbus Day? When it runs afoul of students at a prestigious New England university.

That's right, folks. An Ivy League school has recently decided that Columbus Day should no longer be observed. Well, maybe that's not quite right. It's still being observed, it just isn't being called Columbus Day by the university anymore. It's now just another "Fall Weekend".

We totally get the moral indignation. Heck, we've sort of built this entire blog around indignation, so we're totally on the same page. But to stop referring to the day as Columbus Day just seems so, well, strange. Sure, we can get behind the concept that you aren't happy with his treatment of the indigenous people of the continent. We can even agree with the potential anger over his claims that he discovered the New Land, despite piles of evidence to the contrary.

But how many people that have holidays named after them have similar stories? How many were perfect angels, never doing wrong? Columbus may not have been the best person, but there's no denying that he was able to accomplish something that few had even dared to try before. Sure, it would have been nice if, instead of seeing the native people as barbarians he had invited them to his table as equals, but, well, given the Euro-centric worldview at the time, it's no surprise that he made the choices he made.

What's next? Is Independence Day going to be rechristened "Summer Weekend"?

And what's wrong with the term "Autumn", anyway?

Happily ever after

Here we sit, the day after Easter. Because of the recent holiday, we have to admit that there's a strong urge to talk about a recent appearance by one JC, apparently deciding to show his face on a maple leaf found a few years back by a Massachusetts woman. Well, it was either JC or Bob Marley, depending on who you ask.

But how often do you see stories about a religious figure appearing in some every day object? It just seems so commonplace. Instead, we found a story talking about a recent study in happiness, especially as it pertains to married individuals versus the unmarried section of the public. According to the study, married people are much happier.

But we didn't pack up our tools quite yet, as we're fairly certain that we found at least one couple that won't really fit with the study. By that token, though, how many 8-year-olds really are ready for the commitment of marriage, especially to someone almost 50? If only they could have taken this scenario to the courts, and get it overturned.

Oh wait. They did. The Saudi Arabian court system decided that the marriage, which was orchestrated to help pay off some debts, was perfectly legal. But there is a saving grace. Once the girl hits puberty, she can look towards getting a divorce. Because, even if it turns out to be a happy marriage, waiting until the girl becomes a moody teenager for her to make such a decision is guaranteed to have great repercussions.

Seriously, though, it just seems hard to believe that any court out there would decide that a marriage to an 8-year-old is legal and should be upheld. Sure, it's a different society, and they have some different values when it comes to things, but it would seem like protecting children would be some sort of through-line. Especially when the marriage only happened because the girl's father was trying to pay off his debts.

Thankfully, the girl's mother is looking to fight this marriage at every step. This isn't just a case of a crazy mother-in-law, by a long shot. Her child was basically sold, and was sold at such a young age that this could do serious damage to her development.

We don't even want to think about what kind of person would want a child bride. We really thought that such fascination had faded along with things like the crossbow and the Black Plague.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 6, 2009

Here we sit, comfortably soaking up the early April sunshine. Well, okay, so we're inside, away from windows, and looking towards the door because we've heard that it's a lovely day outside, but, for a blogger, that's kind of the same thing, right? Anyway, we've got a pile of awards to throw your way, so let's get moving on them, shall we?

You Don't Call Enough Award
Maybe we have this award's title backwards. An Austrian mother has recently been fined 360 Euros for calling her son too much. How much is too much, in this case? How about upwards of 49 times per day for the last two years? You know, sometimes it's just easier (and wiser) to go ahead and answer the phone.

Putting in Overtime Award
We understand. Some people really love their work, and they'll take every opportunity to take part in what they enjoy. Of course, unless you're a police officer, the last place you should probably think about doing a little extra work is at the police station. This goes double if you're a stripper arrested for DUI. At least wait until you get into court, to see if you can sway a jury as well as your hips.

Good Parenting Award
Actually, again, we're using an opposite title for the headline. After all, most people don't call 911 because their kids won't listen. Most people also don't make such calls while intoxicated, but why not kill two birds with one stone? In the kids defense, it's very difficult to understand someone who's slurring their way through another can of Coors Light.

William Tell-All Award
If your first thought to impress someone is to pull out a bow and arrows, you might be living in the wrong era. If your second thought is to shoot arrows at your neighbors house, well, you might be living in the wrong mindset. If you do it all "for giggles", you might not have a firm grip on sanity. If we were the woman or the police, we definitely would have wanted to know who "Giggles" was.

A Green Nursery Award
Often, babies are given whole bedrooms. While this will come in handy as they get older and graduate to a full-sized bed, while they're still very tiny, a whole room can seem like extra usable space. Even if you think you've got the space, that doesn't mean you should grow marijuana in the baby's room. Sure, it might help them sleep, but they're totally going to get the munchies later, which could be awkward, especially if they're still breast-feeding.

A Touchy Engagement Award
Sometimes, arguing that you have an "exuberant sex life" can actually pay off. Take the case of an Alaska man, who was charged with assault after holding his girlfriend at knife-point during a sexual encounter. Turns out, he's being sentenced only to time served, and is now in plans to get married to the same girl. Oddly enough, the couple is registered for multiple knife sets, and boxes of bandages.

Happy Easter Award
In honor of this Sunday's holiday, celebrated many ways, we highlight the story of a few Florida police officers who decided to get into the holiday spirit. Of course, they did so by throwing eggs at prostitutes, but everyone has their own ways to celebrate, we guess. The police officers received written warnings, but will probably rise again within three days time.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we prepare to deal with the headaches of tax day. Stay safe out there.

Beware of hanging plants

Public safety. It's a big thing, and it only gets bigger as population densities continue to grow. After all, who wants to be walking down the street with potential danger lurking around every corner and under every sign.

Of course, people have taken their search for safety to an extreme. For proof of that, all you need to do is look at some of the crazy warning labels that are placed on different items. While some of the warnings are helpful to everyone, the rest look as though they were created because some people using the devices just didn't have the common sense required when operating such tools. Why else would there be warnings on paint canisters to not drink them, or labels telling people to not cut through power lines with a chain saw?

Well, for awhile now, the United Kingdom has decided that they need to keep competing with the United States for crazy safety precautions, and they may have just pulled into a lead that cannot be eclipsed. All they had to do was have a Welsh town ban hanging flower baskets because of the danger they pose.

Sure, in some ways, that makes a lot of sense. The baskets could get caught on something, or hit people in the heads, or just cause turmoil on a really windy day. But the reason that the baskets are being banned? They might be too dangerous to water.

Um, really? So there's not any sort of devices that exist to get the water from a lower point to a higher point, possibly using the water pressure itself to propel the liquid to that higher level? Right, so a hose is out. Well, what about attaching a long handle to the hose, so that it can be raised to the level of the basket, and the water can trickle out at that rate? Apparently that won't fly, either. And don't even think of suggesting letting the baskets be watered from above, perhaps by a person on a higher floor.

Unless these baskets are being hung twenty or thirty feet in the air (in which case, sure, ban them, because it's kinda silly to put a basket of flowers that far out of people's eyesight), there should really be easy ways to go about watering them, without a risk to the people involved in such a project. Besides, it's probably not the actual act of watering that's causing the danger.

It's probably the use of ladders. That's why the warning label cautions against standing at, or near, the top step.

Didn't see that coming

There are certain names that tend to be associated with certain activities. Comic books mine this for stories all the time. Need proof? Look no further than Lex Luthor, who shares a name and desire for power with Alexander the Great. That alone is a fairly convincing argument towards the power of names.

Which is why, when you run a business, coming up with a name is a critical step. A good name can help make your business successful. A bad one could be putting a curse of sorts onto yourself, and keep you from ever breaking even on the endeavor.

Even when you pick a good name, it might be a good idea to brush up on your history, just in case. It might have helped a restaurant named "Al Capone" not get in trouble for tax evasion.

Listen, we get that the name had a good ring to it. We also totally understand the desire to try and establish yourself. But when you name yourself after one of the greatest criminals of all time, and one that got caught because he was being dodgy on his own taxes, it might be a good idea to make sure that you're taking care of your own. After all, the opportunity for irony alone might be enough to get the IRS to look at you a little more closely.

Heck, we don't even suggest letting women named Bonnie date men named Clyde. We strongly encourage people with the last name Borden to avoid calling a daughter Elizabeth. And it probably isn't a good idea for anyone named Hitler to suggest camping.

Just to be safe, we also encourage people to avoid the name Keanu. Sometimes it's better to be safe.

High marks

By now, we've probably all heard stories about teachers becoming frustrated due to different restrictions imposed on them, sometimes by their school boards, and sometimes by parents unwilling to accept that their child isn't perfect in every way. Reports are released on a semi-regular basis detailing how children are being coddled, given higher grades than they deserve, or, in extreme cases, not even being corrected on their mistakes all in the effort to not hurt their fragile egos. While these cases are certainly severe, we really commend any school district (and teachers) that go to lengths to ensure that the students are learning, being graded, and not being protected excessively. Yes, it's a harsh world, and sometimes, that world requires that people learn some basic math and grammar.

Well, it looks like Ontario, Canada is jumping on board with this concept, as they're starting to go after private schools in the province. Why target the private schools, which, at least stereotypically, hold students to a higher standard? Because these schools are giving higher grades than they should, sometimes for as little as a paycheck.

Honestly, we're a little torn on this issue. While we definitely think that children (or parents) shouldn't be able to purchase grades, and, largely, that seems to be what Ontario is cracking down on, it also seems to fly in the face of something that many adults have been forced to accept over their own years; money and privilege make life easier. While we don't agree with it, allowing the wealthier students to buy better grades may actually deliver a longer-term life lesson to the poorer students that don't have the same opportunities. Again, this isn't something we agree with, but we can't deny that it exists throughout our society.

Don't believe us? Try and defend the position of Paris Hilton and other celebutards as famous individuals. They aren't famous because of anything that they've done (well, they didn't start out that way). They became famous because they have money, and, with money comes opportunities. If Paris had just been a vapid girl from your high school making a bland sex tape, nobody would have cared. Because she's from a wealthy family, she was able to take the "scandal" and turn it into something where the public (apparently) keeps begging for information about her. And she's only one example among many.

So let people buy their grades. If actual studies and intelligence will matter in the long run, then a purchased grade now won't really make much of a difference. If not, well, there's not a whole lot that can be done to stem the tide at this point.

Just ask the Hiltons.

Busy busy busy

Everyone seems to be running short on time these days. Maybe it's the economy, and everyone is scrambling to try and take on multiple jobs to make ends meet, or just plain rushing from site to site trying to land a job. Maybe it's just poor scheduling, as people find themselves saddled with too many activities and not enough time in the day to do them. Or maybe it's just some sort of cosmic force, slowly stealing minutes and hours from each of us, while we idly sit by and let it happen.

Yeah, we didn't really think it was the last one, either. But, because people are busier, it's forcing people to multitask. Sure, it can be a less effective way to get things done, and it could actually take longer to do multiple things at once than it would have taken to do them all individually, but at least you can get that profound sense of not accomplishing anything on multiple projects.

Except for an Australian woman who found a way to multitask well. Not that we suggest everyone rush out and follow in her footsteps. After all, not everyone has the dedication (or body parts) necessary to go out, get drunk, drive, and breast feed their baby at the same time.

True, parts of that system happened before the true feat, but the simple fact that she decided that being drunk and behind the wheel seemed like a great time for Junior to have lunch shows some levels of impaired thinking. You know, unless that's just how they do it in Australia.

Heck, the only people who can get away with anything close to that in America are celebrities, and everyone knows that they buy their children once their past the whole breastfeeding stage.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 30, 2009

Well, here we are, enjoying the beginnings of April. March decided to play a little joke on us at the end of the month, then we got fooled on Wednesday as well, but today we're definitely feeling stimulated. And all that just because of changes in the weather. Ah, spring. Looks like our awards are peeking their heads up out of the ground, as well.

Captain Obvious Award
You can tell it's a slow news day when outlets resort to reporting the obvious. Take, for example, the story that, due to rain, the roads will be wet. Sure, the story gets into more detail than that, but man, that headline just spoils all of the plot twists. We're expecting to hear later in the summer that, due to increased temperatures, people are warmer and seeking air conditioning more often than they did in February.

Bad Chef Award
So maybe making a simple sandwich doesn't really qualify someone for the title of "chef". Attacking someone with a knife because you didn't like how they made the sandwich doesn't qualify someone for the title of "sane". Apparently the cheese was placed improperly on the sandwich, causing the man to fly into a rage. Given that the man attacked his fiancee over the meal, it should come as no surprise that he may soon find himself standing alone.

IMduhB Award
Aspiring filmmakers are often willing to go to extravagant lengths to get their films made. But it certainly isn't often that they go out of their way to commit a crime. Some more helpful tips for people... if you actually want credit and recognition for your YouTube short, affix credits. If your short might get you arrested, seriously, leave the credits off. Unless you can get a good foley editor.

Insert Foot Award
Generally, when there is mention of a foot being stuck, people don't tend to think it's actually happened. And yet, a burglar found his crime foiled because he couldn't get his foot out of the door, after kicking it in. We're fairly certain that, at trial, the man will mention having his head stuck somewhere, as well.

Free as a Bird Award
Sometimes, saying that you're sorry is enough. After escaping from prison, you'll probably need a better excuse. That's the excuse used by an inmate who planned to meet with a pen-pal. Oh yeah, and he got caught in a mud bog, and struggled for twenty minutes to get out. If only prisons had some sort of system where, during certain times, you could have guests see you. You know, something like what hospitals have for patients, without the free-flowing morphine.

Car Pooling Award
Man, is it ever embarrassing to get pulled over for speeding, and have the police ask you about the dead body in the passenger seat. Guess some people just really don't like waiting in traffic.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with congratulations for Iowa, and potential stories about how Iowa is now one of the three states that is ushering in the Apocalypse (yeah, like a cornfield would harbor the Antichrist). Stay safe out there.

Masterminds

It's no secret that we love stories that involve criminals. After all, once the story has hit the news, it's probably because there's been a fairly key (and simply avoided) mistake made, and, well, that's just the price that some people have to pay for trying to lead a life of crime. Of course, we're fairly certain that the people involved in these stories can't really say that the did more than lead at most a few weeks of crime, since they have a need to get themselves caught.

Take, for example, a woman attempting to steal over a thousand dollars worth of groceries and other merchandise from a St. Louis store. If only she'd checked to see which automatic doors she was going towards.

That's part of the danger that's inherent in approaching a crime in any store with specifically marked "Entrance" and "Exit" doors. Sure, you could try and plan ahead of time, to make sure that you're using the correct door when you need to make your escape, but we assume that there's probably a moment, in the thick of the crime, where you're so caught up in the activity that any previous planning would go for naught. Of course, we're also fairly certain that plenty of people would have been able to recover quickly enough to try the other doors, but, not knowing the layout, we can't go making too many assumptions. And it's not like the woman just chose the location for her offense incredibly poorly.

Unlike the Utah teenager who decided that he just had to spray paint something, and chose a police car. To make things even better, the police cars were parked at the police station. Apparently the kid involved just didn't put together the likelihood that maybe a cop would generally be fairly close to his squad car. While it's true that he showed some wisdom by not choosing a doughnut shop, he couldn't have picked a much worse second option.

Maybe these two should get together. In the future, he can just tag exit doors, and she can follow along like a bloodhound. It would be a match made in the courtroom of Judge Judy.

Fool me once, fool me twice

So we're pregnant. But don't tell our spouses that. Besides, we just got married so that we can break up. Or is it the other way around? Oh yeah, and the blog is going to become very Religious Right starting tomorrow.

Such is the life of anyone having any sort of interpersonal communications on April 1st. Every year, people see jokes, pranks, and outright lies being thrown around, simply for the purpose of shouting out a big, "Ha ha! Gotcha, sucker!" to their friends and associates. And every year, people make a bigger deal than they should out of the pranks that they fell victim to, and vow to get revenge by one-upping everyone the next year.

And that's part of the problem. People want to be better than others, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to fool people into falling for a trick. Now, some pranks are more easily spotted than others, but a well-formed one has an air of believability around it. Which is why the first paragraph today is something nobody would fall for. Just not pregnant... sorry.

Anyway, April Fool's brings out some of the best in people, utilizing their intelligence and cleverness to create a joke, and some of the worst in people, as they either intentionally look to sucker people in without regard for their feelings, or they react so negatively to the fact that they got suckered that it tears friendships apart.

Look, deciding to do something for April Fool's is a gigantic risk. Are you going to fall flat on your face? Are you going to lose friends out of the deal, whether you should or not? Is your joke going to go down in the history of April Fool's jokes, either positively or negatively? And how do you handle the fallout, after pulling off your stunt?

Of course, a large part of any April Fool's joke is working comedy into it. Part of what will make the joke work or not is your chosen audience, naturally. Some jokes will work better with certain people than they will with others. Some people will react much more strongly when the reveal happens. And some people just won't care. Unfortunately, you can't just ask your friends if they like Dane Cook or Demetri Martin before you start your prank (well, you can, but it's just a weird question to throw out there).

Just an opinion here, but one way to make a successful joke is to try and craft one that will leave everyone happy at the end. That includes the victims. You may think your joke was successful if you can pull the wool over their eyes and cry, "Gotcha", but if anyone isn't laughing (or able to see the humor) at the end of it, you may be working under a different definition of success than we are. Then again, that may be exactly what you were going for.

Now, this may seem hypocritical, given the nature of most of our posts, but we try and keep things somewhat good-natured in our posts. We'd like to think that, if the actual subjects read us, they would see the humor we're aiming for, and accept the ridiculous that we've inserted. If not (and it has happened), we pull the entry, offer an apology, and move on. We know we can't please all of the people, but we're trying to keep anyone from getting offended by whatever we say. And one way we try and do that is by not trying to make ourselves out to be leaps and bounds smarter than the subjects, simply because we have more information (well, with the exception of drug runners who decide to get involved in traffic violations. That's just stupid). After all, if you go out of your way to prove that you're smarter than someone, didn't you just sort of prove the exact opposite?

All that being said, we support people trying to pull of pranks and jokes today. We also support people trying to pull of pranks and jokes other days of the year. We think it might help lighten things up a bit (even if we can't generally plan them ourselves). But we'd like to see pranks and jokes that are less on the "gotcha" factor, and more focused on the "everyone can laugh about the ridiculous thing" factor.

Who knows? It might actually end up being fun, too.

On the job

It's always good to be careful when you're at work. Whether you're a teacher, a factory worker, or a barista, there's always the chance that an accident. This goes double if you're working and you have someone coming along with you to find out what a typical day in your chosen field is like.

This is even more important when you're a police officer, and the person tagging along is a journalism student. And you make racist comments.

That's exactly what happened in Philadelphia, where a young cop talked made the racist commentary, but later on made it clear that he "wasn't racist". After all, having friends of the same race as the people who you've just decided to bash on clearly marks you as a friend to all people. Why, we're fairly certain that even Hitler said he had some friends who were Jewish.

In all seriousness, though, the community is right to be concerned about this particular police officer, and the journalism student did their job by writing the article in a fair way. True, people are looking at the story with a bit of a bias, because it was "student journalism", but any hint of truth behind the story should be looked at severely. After all, the police generally have a tough time getting people onto their side. Commentary made to any person during a ride-along can easily be taken and spread along. When the person riding along is trying to be part of the media, it's almost a guarantee that the story is going to spread.

This is why we don't get taken anywhere, either.

A transparent plan

Finally, someone in Washington, D.C. is getting around to handling one of the big problems facing the community. Specifically, they're looking at a problem in the schools, possibly with the notion of being able to get the positive effects to ripple out of the education system. So what is this concern they're looking at? Literacy rates? Poor math skills? Low test scores?

A dress code?

Yes, that's right, folks. The District of Columbia is about to get tougher on students when it comes to how they dress. Sure, a set uniform can sometimes lead to better results in academia, but there's no guarantee by a long shot. It's more of a cover-up for other problems, than anything serious.

Wait. This dress code is being instilled to stop students from wearing spiked and/or see-through clothing? Are these kids all professional wrestlers in training? That might explain why students aren't doing as well as they should. After all, it's hard to read Hemingway when the girl two rows over is wearing a see-through top, and her boyfriend has a spiked collar.

Actually, it's just hard to read Hemingway, no matter the situation.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 23, 2009

Here we are, at the end of yet another week. We want to send our thoughts and well-wishes to everyone around the Red River, as they deal with water rising to previously unheard of levels. Much luck to you all up there, throughout this ordeal. And now, on to our awards.

No Vampires Award
You know you may be attending the wrong school when the administration announces that there are no vampires on campus. Not that we'd rest easy at that. After all, vampires are very similar to ninjas, and we all know the likelihood of someone actung a ninja and admitting to it.

Gotta Go Award
We've all heard of strange steps that people are made to take before they can get permission to marry. This is the first time that we've heard about fathers of brides to be asking to see an indoor toilet before giving a blessing. Apparently defecating on the ground just isn't as sexy as it used to be.

Cover Your Bases Award
We've gone over this before, people. If you do something wrong, and try to pin the blame on your involvement with a certain group, make sure you're actually involved in that group. This goes double when you kidnap someone and leave them in the middle of nowhere. That's why so many people have stopped claiming that they are 7-11 employees.

Double Jeopardy Award
What should you do when you're a suspect in the burning of another person? If you're answer is "make sure to not threaten anyone else with lighting them on fire", then you've chosen more wisely than a Massachusetts woman. What's next? Is Mike Tyson going to announce that he might punch someone?

A-(wo)-men Award
Sometimes, things happen in architecture that you just can't predict. A great example of that would be on a cathedral in San Francisco, where a shadow cast by the building resembles a woman's bare breast. And people keep saying that there's no reason to go to churches anymore.

Learn by Watching, then Doing Award
Most of us watch a little television every now and then. Most of us also don't take lessons from television shows, unless those shows are intentionally educational. For the record, "COPS" is not one of those shows. Someone should have told a Florida woman that before she tried a trick that she'd learned watching the show, and was subsequently arrested for shoplifting. Looks like the trick worked, and she would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those lousy employees keeping an eye on her.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with good news from the Red River area. Stay safe out there.

Rose-colored glasses

Mansfield, UK, has grown tired of teenagers gathering and loitering in underpasses, so they've come up with a way to deal with the problem. And no, it's not the liberal use of jets of water, or even something like hooking up some sort of electromagnetic fencing in the area that would give the teens a jolt. Instead, they've decided to cast a new light on the problem.

Specifically, the light that they're casting will showcase the teens acne more.

That's right. To deter these kids from going to the underpass to drink and possibly disturb the public, Mansfield has taken to using lights normally used by dermatologists in places that the teens gather. The town is also using devices that emit sounds only teens can hear to try and drive them away. Apparently, the combination is working so well that they're planning on adding more in other locations.

This type of passive attack on the teens, making it uncomfortable for them to congregate, is a great example of thinking outside of the box, but the odds of such devices being used in America seem fairly slim. After all, that's what we have crotchety old folks with lawns for.

So tired

We understand late nights. After all, we were in college once, and we had more than our fair share of all-night parties, study sessions, and the like. Heck, we even had time where we just sat awake because we really wanted to see the dawn. And, after a long night like that, your judgement is understandably a little cloudy, especially if you're awoken out of a deep sleep.

But we've never gone back to sleep because someone said that the police were looking for someone. At least, not when that person is in our home.

That's just what happened to a Madison girl, except her situation quickly got worse when she woke up after a more normal amount of sleep. Turns out, the man who woke her up wasn't the police. He was a burglar, and made off with some of her possessions.

Listen, like we said before, we understand that bleary time of day where nothing really makes sense. We call it morning. But we have to think that, if we saw someone we didn't recognize in our apartment, no matter what they told us, we'd probably stay awake until the person left. On the plus side, the only thing that the girl experienced was some theft, and nothing worse happened.

It should be noted, though, that the robber suggested that she keep her door locked. Good advice, just given a little late.

Choices

Tough choice to make today. Let's see, a story about the octomom? Or keeping it within the state, this time around? Octomom? Minnesota? Octo-sota? Minne-mom? See, this is why we try not to make decisions... it just leads to confusion.

Well, in all honesty, while the story of the mother of 14 getting rid of free nursing seems completely valid and up our usual alley, we're actually going to keep it at home for once. Partially because we just don't get the appeal.

The rest of the reason is because there's talk in the legislature about creating a "Lake Wobegon County".

Alright, we can totally see the arguments for. Combining the counties would make governing the area easier. It could be a money saver. At the very least, it would allow people in St. Cloud to just know what county they live in without doing some sort of archaic algebra. But it's the name. Minnesota has already been mocked nationwide for electing a professional wrestler, and now we're getting grief for the long recount battle between a career politician and a career comedian. The last thing that the state should do is encourage the creation of something else that's spawned out of pop culture.

A saving grace to the concept is that the residents of the new county would be the ones with final say on the new name. Perhaps something truly wacky, like combining the names of the current counties, could be reached.

If not, let's just start a push now for Coen County. After all, they make movies here.

Timing

We certainly don't condone setting up an extramarital affair, but we do feel that there's a need to pass along a helpful tip for those that are going to do so anyway. That helpful tip? Use discretion when setting it up.

Namely, don't do anything while your wife is asleep in the same room.

Admittedly, when we first saw the headline, we winced and we started to feel some sympathy for the guy involved. Then we read the story, found out what had happened and why she had taken the steps that she did, and suddenly it all made sense. Heck, we're surprised that the guy really got off fairly lightly for that. Sure, we all know how hard it can be to stay awake during some of Tom Cruise's recent movies, but when one person has fallen asleep, it might not be a bad idea to switch the movie to something else. Not the best time to try and control things with the remote control in your pants.

Honestly, people, that exact scenario is a bad idea in college when you're just hanging out with people and you don't have a long-term commitment (well, not past the end of the semester, anyway). Therefore, doing that when you're married, and your wife is asleep mere feet from you? Yeah, you pretty much deserve whatever is coming your way.

And, for the record, no, arguing that you wouldn't have cared if you and your wife had been in opposite positions won't win you any arguments.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 16, 2009

Welcome to Friday, and the beginning of spring. Naturally, earlier in the week we were bombarded with green apparel everywhere we went, which is a nice precursor to the green that we'll start seeing on lawns and trees. With nature coming back to life, we almost thought that there would be a shortage of stories. Thank goodness for human nature. So let's get rolling.

Corporate Shame Award
People are understandably upset at some of the big banks, especially those that received bailout money from the government. It's gotten so bad that one of them is encouraging employees to not wear anything with the corporate logo on it. Next week, they'll be rolling out phase two of their plan, which is to put their corporate logo onto convicted felons. Or have they already started doing that?

Tight Quarters Award
How do you pass the time in Denver, Colorado? One man decided that he would waste away the day by getting himself into the vents above a pizza place. He got stuck, called for help, and was eventually cut loose, only to fall naked onto the floor. The man claimed to have beaten up on the roof before falling through the vent, but that just sounds so cheesy. Here's hoping he has a fairly thick skin.

Asking for It Award
So often, when a person is shot and killed by the police, the relatives come forward demanding damages. Not so in the case of a man shot in Canada, as his aunts have stepped up and admitted that he "led a terrible life" and might just have deserved it. No word on whether they believe that simply due to a dislike of hockey and curling.

A Cut Above Award
A woman who was arrested for cutting designs and her name into a lover's arm was given no jail time, due to the amounts of alcohol and drugs both parties took. If only there was some place to put her that would keep her off of those controlled substances.

Point Proven Award
What do you do when you're a state senator and you receive a poorly written letter asking why you're advocating slashing the education budget? If you said, "criticize their grammar, spelling, and overall education", you might be from Arizona. On the upside, the senator has made amends with the student. On the downside, well, education is still getting slashed, which will only increase the frequency of these types of letters.

Devil in the Details Award
A Washington state woman has come up with an interesting defense as to why she stole over $73,000 from a local church; she blames Satan. The church is now waiting to see how that goes for her, in an effort to increase their own fundraising.

That does it for our awards this week. We'll be back next week, with warmer temperatures and (probably) less blasphemy. Stay safe out there.

The economy hits home

You know, in these bleak economic times, it's always good to see stories that really point out the impact that people are feeling. Of course, instead, we keep getting stories about people who make (or made) more money in a year than most of us see in a lifetime, but that's besides the point. We can definitely get something out of people needing to curtail things like private drivers, cleaning services, and the like just to make ends meet. What we get out of it may be anger at the extremely wealthy, and pity for the cut services, but we're still getting something.

Which leads us to today's article. It's hard to see an upside to any obvious money grab that goes on (unless it's part of a game show, in which case we slavishly watch and shout at the television screen). But when you decide that your divorce settlement of $43 million just isn't enough, we have to cry foul.

A lot of her argument hinges around her weekly living expenses that float somewhere in the $50,000 range. That's right, she has expenses every week that total more than a lot of people see in their yearly salary. And what did she do for that money? Well, she was attractive, unemployed, and married to a CEO worth over a quarter of a billion dollars. You do the math. And wear a helmet, because doing that kind of math could cause serious injury.

The sheer audacity of the situation strikes us as odd. Not only is fighting the post-nuptial agreement that she signed, but she's doing it at a time where the world is struggling to pull themselves out of a recession. While there's a definite impact on a consumer economy when one person can no longer spend that kind of money every week, there's also an impact from all of the people angry that someone who did nothing to get their money is trying to fight for more, while plenty of others are dealing with unemployment.

But still, wow. That's an awful lot of cappuccino.

Covering your bases

There's something to be said for going above and beyond, just to ensure that you really have everything covered. Of course, it's not often a good idea to make a point of calling the media to help cover just how thorough you're being in your line of work, but sometimes, it just seems like a wise choice.

Take, for example, police planning a large raid against a house that they believe holds a burglary suspect. Sure, contacting the media and inviting them along seems great, if for no other reason than to be able to show that the police are making steps to get this criminal off of the streets. Sure, there's the risk that the suspect may not be at the location, and your big raid and media coverage could all go for nothing, but that's a chance to take.

Although you should probably find out if the guy you're trying to catch in the raid has already been arrested.

Actually, while this seems like a completely ridiculous series of events, it's actually fairly reasonable. Given that the suspect had been arrested mere hours earlier, and the paperwork may not have cleared through the system yet, the police were simply following through on the latest information they had. Sure, the media was a bit extreme, but they wanted to make a good show of things.

We'd suggest raiding the house again tomorrow, though. You never know if this crook might have found some sort of temporal warp.

A sorry law

It may strike you as a bit odd, but apparently, in more than a few states, it just isn't legal for a doctor to say, "I'm sorry". Well, okay, maybe that's oversimplifying things. In more than a few states, it's apparently possible for a doctor to apologize, but they might have those statements used against them later during a potential malpractice suit.

Well, Pennsylvania is considering a law giving doctors the ability to apologize without the crippling fear of a huge lawsuit coming against them. In many ways, this makes sense. After all, there are times where, no matter what the doctor does, there just isn't anything that can be done for the patient. The words "I'm sorry" would be completely applicable in this instance. As would situations where a minor mistake at one point in the procedure could lead to the incorrect steps being followed.

Besides, it's not like the doctors are going around apologizing on a regular basis. Saying "I'm sorry" is a way of showing empathy and concern for your fellow human being, and while it may also include a level of acceptance of a mistake, it at least is couched by a legitimate concern. After all, we're not talking about surgeons and residents going around saying "Oops" without a fear of repercussion. And it might actually cause people to feel somewhat better about the treatment, no matter the result, if they simply got the inkling that they were more than an insurance policy and a bunch of zeros to the people trying to fix them up.

In fact, if this legislation goes through, we think it deserves an "apology five".

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 9, 2009

Hello, everyone. What a week this has been, right? The arrest of a Ponzi schemer, a long election recount maybe finally being done, and, as always, an influx of foolish and/or drunken individuals doing just what their little hearts can't scream loud enough to not do. Ah, you can tell spring is in the air. So, let's get our awards going.

Looks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck Award
Sometimes, celebrities do things that make us scratch our heads. Well, okay, so that happens a bit more than sometimes. But the latest comes from Mrs. Fresh Prince, who has opened up a private school to instruct children in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard. But don't worry, because it's not a Scientologist school. Because Hubbard was also known for his forays into anthropology, higher-level math, and chemistry.

Spiderman, Spiderman Award
A paraplegic man recently experienced something akin to a miracle, as he was able to walk again after a spider bit him. Now if he could only get the cute redhead next door to give him the time of day.

My Country or My HOA Award
When you sign an agreement with your Home Owner's Association, it's pretty binding. That means that you can't go around doing what you'd like with your property, if it's something the HOA has bylaws against. That's the problem that a Georgia man is struggling with, after he erected a 14-foot flagpole on his lawn. Because the flagpole attached to his house wasn't big enough. America, land of the free, and home of those who sue over a pole.

Offensive Driving Award
Seriously, there must be something about transporting large quantities of illegal materials that make people drive poorly. Reckless driving resulted in a ticket, and the discovery of 347 bags of heroin. What, were they high or something?

A Taxing Jolt Award
How do you get some more money into your state's coffers during these dark economic times? If you're Utah, you consider taxing caffeine. Always a bold political move, trying to alienate almost everyone in the state. Residents are a little jittery, and having been kept awake at night by the proposal.

Whee!!! Oops Award
In a stunning display of brilliance, a man who had evaded police for 21 years over drug charges was recently arrested. We say "stunning display of brilliance" because he got caught after shining a laser pointer at the police. Wonder if this guy had anything in common with the drivers mentioned just above?

Passing the Blame Award
There are definitely times where you may not be completely responsible for your actions, and your arguments could hold up well if charged with something. One of those times is probably not after a fatal hit-and-run accident, especially if your best excuse is that you suffer from PTSD from being hazed. Although that does explain a lot about some of our college classmates and their performance in class.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll be back next week, as we participate in the annual ritual to destroy livers. Stay safe out there.

That'll learn ya

Education is important. There's just no questioning how valuable regular schooling can be, especially during those critical developmental years of childhood. A well-rounded education can be critical for preparing children for the crippling disappointments, harsh cynicism, and bright successes that their futures may hold. Naturally, however that schooling is given, it's fairly critical that the student actually attend, so as to learn as much as possible.

Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule, and that's why a UK school has had to apologize for a truancy letter sent to one of their students. Apparently, when you're sick with leukemia and the Pope wants to meet you, it's alright to skip class.

How did this one slip through the administration's cracks? After all, it's not like this is a kid who's regularly missing class because they're sneaking off to smoke behind the gymnasium. It's cancer, and one would just have to assume that there would be some sort of note attached to the student's record to make sure that there was an understanding.

That, and the Pope wants to meet the kid. Maybe the other way around, but it's not every day that the Pope tells you to stop over and bring an extra Xbox controller. That should have been an immediate pass right there. It's good to see that the school is willing to admit to their error and make amends, and hopefully they won't run into a problem like this again in the future.

If only there was some sort of building where people could go to learn how to do things like read and take notes, possibly with testing for recollection.

Lost on the yard

At least we know now that crazy municipal ideas don't just happen on American soil. Thanks to a city in the United Kingdom, we can rest assured that the crazy has actually spread all the way across the globe, or at least to our parent nation.

After all, it isn't quite everywhere that you hear about satellite navigation on riding lawnmowers.

Scary, isn't it? To think, before this development, these poor mowers were out there on lawns and in fields, driving around willy-nilly, merely hoping that they'd be able to find their way back home. Sort of like Quantum Leap's Sam Beckett, without the holographic sidekick. And, apparently, much like Dr. Beckett, many of these mowers never returned home.

Oh sure, they downplay the lost mowers, and they talk about how the navigation will help mowers find those patches of grass that still need a good mowing, but we know that this is really a step to try and prevent more mysterious lawn-related disappearances. After all, how can we possibly trust people to find their way back over a few dozen yards of turf back to where they can get a warm meal and a refreshing beverage.

And let's not forget about the benefits for travelling on the freeways. Now, when you're tooling around at 15mph, you'll get plenty of warning as to where that Denny's with the overgrown lawn is.

Liver approved

Since we are closing in on St. Patrick's Day, it seems only appropriate that the news would start trotting out stories about how drinking can negatively affect people, especially when the drinking is done binge-style, as so many seem to do every March 17th. After all, the week between Christmas and New Year's tends to feature stories about depression, and Valentine's Day always has the featured articles on how to either a) avoid, or b) deal with, a break-up to your relationship. Labor Day has birth announcements. So why not just repeat an article that's been run many times before.

But wait, it seems like someone isn't following the rules. Dangers of drinking, people, not any potential benefits from doing so.

Okay, let's be clear on this. People have long accepted the notion that a glass of wine every day can help their heart. Well, if the doctor in the article is right (and, since he's Johns Hopkins-educated, we have no reason not to believe him... we went to a State school), then wine isn't the only thing that will help your health. And it's not just one glass a day, either. It's still moderation, instead of drinking to get drunk, but his experiences, and the research to back up those experiences, tend to point out that people who drank a little bit every day actually lived longer than people who never touched a drop.

In a lot of ways, this makes sense. True, longevity has gone up overall in people due to us taking better care of ourselves, and being better prepared to handle diseases and assorted accidents that would have previously cut our lives shorter. But, how often does one hear of a person making it to (or past) their 90th year, all the while drinking, smoking, and eating fatty foods, things that, by common belief, should have killed them years ago? Not saying that anyone should go out and embrace those lifestyles, especially in the face of a more moderate approach, but something has to be said for those people who allow themselves a little more enjoyment out of life, without worrying if every little thing they do is going to give them cancer.

Of course, when you take it to an extreme, you end up driving a car with only three tires. And nobody wants that.

Fight for your right for non-violence

People can get worked up about things. Sometimes that's good, when that energy and emotion can be poured into a positive effort. Take, for example, a community fighting back against violence. In response to a teen having been shot and killed last November, a Maryland community banded together to organize a "Stop the Violence" concert, trying to create another outlet.

Sometimes, however, that build-up of emotions can lead to bad things. A good example of that would be a group of 16 people getting arrested for fighting. At the above-mentioned "Stop the Violence" concert.

Yeah. Needless to say, something certainly didn't go the way that the organizers were planning. While it's possible that the teens simply missed the entire "Stop" portion of the promotion, it's also possible that they decided that the only way to truly stop violence was with more violence. After all, it could be their belief that, by eliminating a potential threat now, you've saved yourself a lot of grief later on. After all, look how that's worked for foreign affairs, and you can see exactly what we're talking about.

Of course, there's also the potential that the kids really did mean to fight, "Stop the Violence" or no. Sometimes, just getting people that shouldn't like each other can lead to that sort of spontaneous outburst of fighting. Other times, it leads to classic 80's movies, complete with dancing in the library.

Another possibility? Maybe there was an argument about who was stopping more violence, which just caused things to boil over. Here's a tip for those kids playing at home, though. If you're arguing about who causes less violence, you both (probably) lose.

On the plus side, they weren't driving around with pot plants in their pick-up truck.

Killer government

We find stories like this one every once in awhile, and we just have to embrace them. After all, it's one thing for a person to mistakenly think that someone they haven't heard from in many years may have shuffled off of this mortal coil. After all, that's part of why some people actually band together and place wagers on "death pools". It's less likely for a government to assume the same thing. One would assume that they had some way of checking.

Of course, when governments make that mistake, they always are quick to accept that there's an error, and they jump to fix the problem. No, wait, they usually make people jump through hoops to prove their own vitality, sometimes asking to speak to someone in charge of the estate.

For those playing at home that may not be aware, someone can only be in charge of an estate if someone has actually passed away. Therefore, no deceased party, no estate. In the story we connected to, the woman has been unable to make any headway with the Canadian government, because they want to take to someone involved with the estate. No matter how many ways she can prove to them that she's still alive, and quite well, actually, they seem to be having trouble taking her word for it.

In many ways, situations like this are only bound to pop up more frequently with the fears of identity theft, but we also think that the government should be a bit more understanding when someone is actually registered as deceased in their databases. After all, how many people want to go to the government offices when they haven't committed a crime, let alone when they have?

Either that, or this is further proof that zombies are living just to our north.

Taking what you can get

Sometimes, you just have to take what little you can, and accept that it's the best you could do. Of course, when you're engaged in a robbery, maybe that's not the best time to do so. After all, there's always the chance that, if you don't actually take anything, you might get a much lighter charge thrown your way.

In other words, what we're saying is that maybe it's not the best idea to steal some toilet paper when your victims don't have any money.

This can't even be a moral victory. Not only was the gunman unable to get the elderly couple to cough up any money, but he made do by stealing something he could have bought at the store for a couple of bucks. Of course, it's entirely possible that, having his plan foiled by the couple simply being broke at the time caused the robber to panic, rush into the nearest room he could find, grab an item or two at random, and run out.

For his sake, we have to hope that he was able to grab at least some two-ply.

A cold one

When the public gets upset over a president having an affair during their time in office, we can understand. When they develop anger because a president has expanded their own powers to complete personal vendettas, we commend them. When they get into an uproar because a president has a beer at a sporting event, we jump ship.

Seriously, the guy was just having a beer, and watching some hoops. It's not like he later went on to fly Air Force One or anything.

While we can sort of see how people would get up in arms, we just can't support it. The President of the United States is, possibly, the most stressful job on the face of the planet, and we think that having a beer once in awhile might help the guy relax, and, hopefully, keep him from turning another country into a parking lot. Ironically, this is the same guy that people embraced wholeheartedly because he happened to have a beer on the campaign trail. Well, if you consider that something of a job interview, he pretty much admitted that, while holding office, he might have a beer or two.

Besides, this is the month of March. You know, St. Patrick's Day is coming up? A big Irish holiday? Maybe P.O. is just trying to connect with his Irish roots.

Leave a message

It's finally come to pass. For all of those people who feel that prayer wasn't a direct enough line, and yet were concerned that God didn't have a mailing address, a Dutch artist has given you an answer. Thanks to him, the Almighty is now just a phone call away.

Yes, now you too can leave God a message on his personal answering machine. Don't think you're going to get the big guy, though, as the number is programmed to say that God isn't in right now. Well, you know, that sort of disregards the omnipresent part of his powers, but we'll try and look past. Especially because it took the guy this long to finally get a phone line. At this rate, we're looking forward to God getting an iPhone within the next few thousand years.

You know, we've really only got one word for this. That word is "interesting". We can see how this could both serve a fantastic purpose, and how it could backfire. We also do firmly believe that it's part of the overall demand for instant gratification that springs through so much of our culture.

We know some people might be thinking "meh" about all of this, but we simply have to disagree. And only partially because we don't want the PC Guy upset with us.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 23, 2009

Well, the week is coming to a close, and, with it, it's bringing the end of February, as well. That's all well and good, because, as we've mentioned before, we really think that February is just a placeholder until a cooler month with a more appropriate number of days is brought onto the scene. Sure, it's been around for a good long while, but you can't just change the calendar overnight. But one thing that February hasn't been fake about is news stories, so let's get on with our awards, shall we?

Pay to Pee Award
Airlines everywhere seem to be trying to find new ways to get extra money out of their passengers. There have been fuel surcharges, and extra charges for checking bags. Well, how about a charge to use the plane's bathroom? Good thing that the flight attendants aren't walking around offering beverages throughout the whole flight, right?

Pot vs. Kettle Award
So, pretty much everyone has heard stories about how tough it is to work with Axl Rose, right? And how that attitude made it very difficult to put together albums? Well, it turns out that, according to Axl, at least, it wasn't him. It might just have been Slash. The singer badmouthed his former guitarist, and then worked his way through the rest of the band. To his credit, Slash's only comment was, "It didn't take me ten years to release a commercial flop."

Cell Mates Award
A good deal of the time, it probably doesn't really matter who gets put into the same cell with someone else. One of those times where it does make a difference is when one person is a suspect in a murder trial, and the other is a material witness. Shockingly, the witness has decided against testifying, causing the charges to be dropped. They must have just gotten along great behind bars, forming a bond that few can break. Right, that's it. Friendship.

Call of Duty: Geneva Convention Award
We're not sure if this should actually be a "Father of the Year" nominee, or someone who's hopelessly out of touch, but we have to give a nod to the father who decided that his son couldn't play the "Call of Duty" video games unless he both read and followed (at least, in the game world) the Geneva Convention. We actually applaud this, if only because more behavior like this would cut down on the virulent strains of spawn campers and people proclaiming each other's sexual affiliations (always in one direction).

I'm, Like, Sorry, OK? Award
What do you do when you're a bishop taken to task by the Vatican for denying the extent of the Holocaust? Well, if you're the actual bishop being criticized, you apologize. Not for your comments and views, specifically, but for the fact that they made people angry. The Vatican doesn't think that the bishop has gone quite far enough, and next week, they're going to slide him a little further diagonally, allowing that space to be used by a knight.

A Little Control Award
A Colorado Springs store decided to express some frustrations, and posted a sign basically asking parents to keep better watch over their children. The result? A woman began picking up things, throwing them around, and basically having a fit about the sign, until she was tased by the store owner. Later, the woman was seen sitting in a corner for "Time Out", having argued about not being able to watch her favorite episode of "Law and Order" again.

Take a Break Award
Here's a quick tip. If you really have to go and break your back, don't do it while the paramedics are on lunch. Guess it's more important to finish your fish and chips than to find out why someone else's spine crackles like a deep fryer.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, welcoming March to the calendar. Stay safe out there.

Kids are learning

Today, we found two articles that seem linked to each other. Well, not in any actuality, it's more that they both feature similar protagonists. In one story, we're dealing with the working world. In the other, we're talking about marriage. In both, teenagers take a central role.

So, first up we see a story about a teenage girl fired from her job. Why is this news? Apparently, she was fired because she expressed overall boredom with her job on her Facebook page. Yeah, we're still not sure how that's news either. After all, teenagers tend to be bored, or at least claim that they're bored, no matter what they're doing. Given the prevalence of social networking, it shouldn't be a shock that they would then vent about it on the web. The girl didn't mention the company name at all, but she did get to vent her boredom to a large audience than she would normally have (which was previously relegated to anyone within earshot). We wouldn't be surprised if she was at a party, had a great time, and then proceeded to mention online that the party had been "boring".

At least she's not a divorcee, right? That's the case with a 14-year-old girl from Israel. Apparently, she, along with a 17-year-old boy, thought it would be a good idea to go through a mock marriage ceremony, complete with a ritual vow, exchange of ring, and consummation. Sure, they were joking about it, but the rabbis didn't seem to see the humor of the situation, and informed the kids that they were married, and, if they didn't want to continue in their wedded bliss, they'd have to actually go ahead and get divorced.

And well, when you see two kids with their whole lives ahead of them, and they can't make marriage work, it just makes you sad. Sad enough to talk about being bored, at least.

A full house of frustration

It should come as no surprise that the police prefer people to make complaints via phone. After all, that allows them to handle prioritizing of non-emergency calls more easily, and means that they don't have to wait around the police station until someone comes in with a problem.

Oh yeah. And it lets them play poker, too.

Only one problem with that last bit. Apparently, poker was slightly more important than the complaints of a retiree regarding a vacant house he owned. The retiree was given the non-emergency number (on a magnet), and told to call that, even though there were a number of (we hope) off-duty police officers in the building at the time.

Listen, we ourselves are fans of the card games, but there are times and places for everything. While we agree with the concept of playing cards while off-duty, we question the use of the police station. Especially given that people can just walk up and ask you to do work for them.

After all, there's no police motto out there mentioning protect, serve, and look for the straight flush.

Not any better

Have you ever gone into your suitcase, thinking that you'd packed your red swimming suit, but it turns out that you brought the green one instead? Potentially embarrassing, right? But, hey, everyone experiences a packing mistake at one point or anything. It isn't like it can lead to jail time, or anything.

Well, maybe it can. Like, for example, when you "accidentally" packed 52lbs. of cocaine into his suitcase as he was returning from a vacation. We say "accidentally", because, according to the man, he didn't think he was smuggling in drugs. He thought he was smuggling diamonds, instead. Oddly enough, admitting to this didn't really make him look any better to the police, who still decided to go ahead and arrest him, and his wife.

Right. We can kind of see how such a mistake could be made. After all, if you're dealing with simple concepts like weight and (potential) color, sure, diamonds and cocaine could be very similar. Most people might have noticed something about the way that they settled, but we can't simply discount the existence of a brick of diamonds.

Wait, is it possible that the biggest mistake was admitting to smuggling something, but could have sworn you were smuggling something else? Could that possibly have been the error that really spurred everything on?

Man, to make that kind of mistake, you'd really have to be snorting diamonds.

Call a cab

Most people, when they've failed something 75 times, would probably decide that maybe they just weren't cut out to accomplish whatever task they had set before them. If any of them make it to 700, that would surely be the point where they would give up. After all, there are generally limits to even the most persevering person.

Generally. However, giving up is apparently a foreign concept to a South Korean woman, who is bound and determined to succeed in getting a driver's license. Who knows, maybe the 776th time is a charm.

Either the South Korean written test is the most difficult test ever devised, or the concept is simply too bizarre to many, but apparently it isn't uncommon for people to take the test for five years or more before they finally get the 60% needed to pass it. Of course, we can't imagine that most people would have attempted the test that many times over the years, but we can't really identify with the situation. After all, here in America, it seems like you can get a license if you can correctly identify the color red and are at least 15, but could pass for 16.

We really hope that this woman passes her test so that she can finally buy her truck. Until then, we just have to hope that there's good mass transit.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 16, 2009

What a week it's been. Why, it feels like we've only been bringing you stories for four days this week... that may have something to do with us taking Monday to be lazy. It may not, we can't be completely sure. But we've got plenty of awards to toss out this week, so let's get going.

Untruth Award
So remember that story about the Chinese businessman who was holding a contest amongst his mistresses? Yeah, the story may not have as much truth to it as was originally believed. Turns out the author plagiarized the story from somewhere else, and nobody really knows if it ever actually happened. The writer has lost his job, and is now looking to move to Hollywood to start writing a remake of any 80s movie that hasn't been destroyed yet.

You Can't Catch Me Award
Every few days, a new high-speed chase story is found floating around the Web, and many of them revolve around people going the wrong direction on freeways, or having had too much to drink, or simply getting into the chase with a car that shouldn't be pushed to those speeds. This may be the first time that the chase has ended when the suspect wanted their car parked. In her defense, though, sometimes it can be absolutely miserable to get a good parking spot at the airport, and valets know all the tricks.

Kinda Sorry Award
If you've missed the uproar over a certain New York Post editorial cartoon, consider yourself lucky, or out of the news loop. Either way, it seems that the Post has issued an apology. Just so long as you weren't one of those "people who have long-standing differences". Yeah, no apology for you. Even a monkey wouldn't make that mistak---- oops.

Homecoming Drag Queen Award
We've got to give congratulations to George Mason University and their new homecoming queen. Naturally, his selection has lead to a bit of a campus divide, saying it's inopportune timing for a school trying to no longer be seen as a commuter school. Because national attention for a progressive choice can never lead to positive results.

Awkward Award
So, you may not be aware of this, but addressing someone by their disability is considered fairly rude. Alright, you probably knew that, but a company sending out notice of modifications being done to a home didn't seem to get that, as they addressed a letter going to a "Mr. Blindman". Even worse, they didn't bother to write it in Braille.

Seemed Like a Good Idea Award
There are some ideas that just struck people in the moment, and, before too long, are proven to be ill conceived. One of those ideas would have to be engaging in a foursome with people you just met out at the bar. Another would be picking a fight with the other guy in the group because your girlfriend seemed to be enjoying the encounter. The fighters have also been seen beating up vibrators, cucumbers, and shower heads in recent days.

Well, with that lovely imagery, we're going to close out for the week. We'll see you back next week. Stay safe out there!

Irish eyes

Well, that's a huge burden off of our shoulders. Turns out that errors in police work don't just happen in the United States. Okay, we never really believed that they did, but we did figure that most of the newsworthy events would happen on our shores, due to the American penchant for wanting to be the center of global attention more often than not. But leave it to the Irish to insert themselves.

For a few years, it seems that the Irish police have been regularly pulling over a driver named "Prawo Jazdy", and writing tickets. In fact, it got so bad that the police started believing that Jazdy was possibly running around with upwards of 50 alternate identities, which would make them one heck of a criminal.

The problem? "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "Driving License".

As it turns out, there's been a recent immigration of Polish citizens to Ireland, due to a bit of a boom on the Emerald Isle. Consequently, there have been more and more Polish drivers, which directly corresponded to the uptick in "Prawo Jazdy" appearing on offenses. Oh, and before people get overly concerned, the Irish did catch this, in 2007, but it's just starting to hit the news now.

Let's just hope that the Germans don't start an exodus of their own. We don't need to hear about the Gardai pulling over a "Fuehrer Schein".

Deserved

Surprise surprise. College professors have figured out what leads to a good deal of the grade "haggling" that goes on. Apparently, there's some sort of sense of entitlement going through students.

Shocking, isn't it? To think, there are college students (and probably high school students as well) who feel that just showing up in class can get them a "B". If they read the material and take the tests, well, then, that just has to be "A" city, now doesn't it?

This is something that's been building for awhile, and college professors seem reluctant to let it continue. In fact, according to the article, the professors are expecting to be able to give out grades of "C" to students that do just what is necessary, reserving the higher grades for those students who stand out. Oh, and putting in a lot of effort isn't enough, either. These instructors expect students to show things such as comprehension and deeper thinking on subjects.

Why, with expectations like this, we could actually see college graduates providing an almost immediate benefit to society. Just as long as said benefit is handed to them.

Rough decision

Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions. In today's tough economic times, it becomes even more important to make wise decisions for your own financial future. Just ask a Chinese tycoon who realized that he had to pare down his number of mistresses, since he was providing them each a monthly stipend.

So, to help him weed his way from five to one, he held a small pageant. Which went great until one of the mistresses "laid off" decided to get a little payback, and did so by driving herself, her rivals, and her (former) employer off of a cliff.

This just makes us sad. Not only for the way that the girl handled her termination, but that there are people out there who have to decide which illicit affair to keep having, regardless of the economic climate. Although we do have to point out that, for the tycoon, his decision just got easier. Something about his wife, and the remaining mistresses, leaving him to his own devices.

But hey, you just can't keep a catch like that single for long.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 9, 2009

Well, folks, this will forever be known as the week that the stimulus plan was passed. You know, unless they need to put together another stimulus package. But, well, that's important news, and you've all probably seen a little bit about it here or there. It's also the week of the octomom, but she's just creepy, so we're probably not going to say too much about her. Anyways, on to the awards.

Maybe it IS a Clown Car Award
Okay, so we said we wouldn't really talk about the octomom. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about her fertility doctor, and the fact that he's got another multiple births coming down the pipe in the next few months. Seems that he's gotten a woman pregnant with quadruplets, after depositing seven embryos into her. Oh, and she's currently hospitalized, because the strain may be too much for her body to take. Also, this is a field were anything more than twins is considered a "poor outcome". If only there was some sort of committee that would look into regulating medical treatment, or possibly even an ethics board or something.

Worthless Award
We all know people who really wish that it was their job to do absolutely nothing. Well, it turns out that it may not be all that great in the long run, as the Cheboygan County, MI, drain commissioner has asked to be fired, due to the overall lack of drains in Cheboygan County. It's exactly that kind of honesty that has kept the person from being elected to anything OTHER than "drain commissioner".

Seeing Red Award
Just a quick tip, folks. When you're pulled over for running a red light, don't tell the police that you ran the light "because it was red". They probably won't like that too much. You know, unless you can prove that you're also part bull.

Self-Stealing Truck Award
What would you do if you came out of a convenience store to find your truck missing? Well, like most people, you'd probably call the police. What would you do when the police found that the truck had backed itself into a parking spot across the street? We'd suggest placing the vehicle in park, and removing the keys from the ignition.

Bless You, Unemployment Award
Leave it to a high-ranking member of the Church of England to put this whole economic downturn into perspective. According to him, losing your job might actually be a blessing, as it could allow you to "reconsider what you really want out of life." This works even better if one determines that regular meals and a stable home environment are just not that important anymore.

And that wraps it up for our awards this week. We'll see you next week, after we make it past the holiday bump. Stay safe out there.

Drink, crash, profit

People are always looking for the mysterious second component to their plans. You know what plans we're talking about. They generally start with step one being something random, and step three being profit. It's always that second step that proves elusive.

Well, a 19-year-old Illinois man figured out a step two that went along with his personal step one, which was to underage drink. His step two? Getting into an accident, and becoming paralyzed.

How did he profit from this turn of events? Simple. He simply turned around and sued the mother of the two girls who were providing the drink at the party he attended. Why the mother? Well, the girls were underaged, too. So it's not like they could have been held responsible.

Except, according to all indications, the mother didn't provide the alcohol. In fact, she didn't even know that something was happening at her house. Sure, her daughters had been caught drinking before, but that's not a definite indication that they would again (it's a good sign, but it's no guarantee). The man left the house intoxicated, crashed his car, and found a way to the result achieved above.

Look, we're all in favor of putting a stop to underage drinking, but there also should be a level of personal responsibility. The fact that the man, who was old enough to vote, enlist, and do a number of other adult things, was awarded millions of dollars, largely due to his own negligence, seems ridiculous.

Besides, we all know he's just going to spend the money on booze.

Losing a leg to stand on

We admit to being torn today. A large part of us wanted to highlight an article that mentioned how body language can give indications of wealth. Something about rich people generally using ruder gestures, which nobody saw coming. There was another part of us that wanted to talk about the Scientology vault that's being built in Wyoming, if for no other reason than because it was actually told to stop being built. Something about permits.

But instead, we found a story coming from the Vatican. A story that is certainly interesting, especially in light of recent perspectives revolving around how humanity got to be the way that we are (no, not morally bankrupt in too many cases; we're talking bipedal, among other things). It could send shivers through the education community.

Why is that? Because the Vatican has come out saying that Darwin's theories of evolution are actually completely compatible with Christian doctrine. Even more to the point, the Church seems ready to remove further power from the concept of "Intelligent Design", by examining it as a "cultural phenomenon".

So what now? Intelligent design has been used by people unwilling to accept evolution, often because they feel it disagrees with their religious beliefs. Now the Church, which never really condemned Darwin's concepts in the first place, is saying that evolution is a fine fit, and they're not even looking at the alternative created by religious individuals as a viable option. At least, not really. Will this lead to fewer arguments and more open, honest discussion about how something so rooted in science could fit together with a more religious approach? Will people strive for greater understanding? Or will people dig their heels in even more, and insist that intelligent design is somehow more valid?

This is what we could be researching. Instead, we get to learn how the rich are ruder than the poor.

Probably because they don't have to drink Thunderbird.

He said, she said

So many arguments start because of a simple disagreement or misunderstanding. While a fair number of these arguments will actually escalate to physical confrontation, it seems like actual fisticuffs aren't thrown unless there's something major as an underlying cause to the argument. Even then, it's generally in the more extreme cases.

But, darn it all, people can just get so worked up about when the library opens.

That's what sparked a confrontation between a Massachusetts man and his live-in girlfriend. The fight started at 11am, and continued until 4pm, with the man allegedly punching the woman in the head when she tried to leave. It was until his cell phone rang three hours later that she was able to escape.

Seriously, people? Going to those extremes after bickering over whether the library opens at 10 or at 11? That seems a little unreasonable. Of course, one of these individuals felt that the best way to keep someone from leaving was to punch them in the head, so, you know, points for effectiveness, but many more docked for rational thinking. Especially when there are some very quick and easy ways to solve the argument as it was laid out.

Unless the man was asking because he really needed to return some Jane Austen novels he'd checked out. After all, nobody wants a library fine these days.

Taking a break

Maybe more criminals need to exercise. Not that we really want to see a bunch of really physically fit crooks out there, making life harder for police officers and average citizens, but it might have finally reached that point.

After all, when someone tries to rob a store, makes off with a couple of beers, and then sits on a bench right outside, it definitely raises some alarm.

Yes, you read that correctly. A man stole two beers after failing to get any more than that from the clerk, and was found a short time later on a bench outside of the store. Naturally, at this point, he decided to try to resist arrest, but, after having gone the distance of, literally, yards for his getaway, the crook wasn't able to do much more than get handcuffed.

Of course, we've had the warning signs for years. Obesity has been going up and up, and people haven't really been putting much of a stop to it. So it's no surprise, especially with today's economy, that people who aren't in the best shape of their lives are making the move to crime. Oh, and we should note that, if the man had made it to the store approximately thirty minutes earlier, he might not have needed to try and rob the place.

We just hope that the beer was really tasty.