Party proceedings

Just when we thought that the world was in some sort of economic (and potentially, social) free-fall, something that only world governments could step in and help with, it's nice to know that at least Sweden thinks everything is well in hand. In fact, the Swedish are so confident that members of their parliament decided to weigh in on the case of a school and a child's birthday party.

Yes, you read that right. Now, after eight years of GDub, maybe it's not uncommon to think of government and children being linked. But keep in mind that this Swedish case did not directly involve any of the children of the politicians. The real problem, according to the school at least, was that the child neglected to invite all of his classmates.

Well, obviously that's a huge problem. The mere fact that he had the gall to leave two of the other students off his list, one who had not invited him earlier and the second who had been a bully, just shows the overall lack of disdain the student obviously had. Nevermind that he was turning 8. Oh, and keep in mind that the school has an "unwritten policy that either all children, or all the boys, or all the girls in a class, had to be invited to parties when invitations were handed out at school."

But thank goodness parliamentary officials were able to step in, and to properly scold the school for confiscating the invitations. It's nice to know that with the growing global crises, in Sweden, they're still looking out for the (very) little man. Which is fair, especially for a country so plentiful with both blondes and moose.

After all, my sister was bit by a moose once....

Check next time

We really thought that this went without saying, but maybe, when accusing someone of giving you a disease, make sure that they actually could have transmitted it. Especially if the disease in question is sexually transmitted. And be beyond certain when they're you're wife.

Otherwise, you could be making a huge mistake.

A Manhattan lawyer is learning that lesson now after having accused his wife of cheating on him, giving him grounds for divorce. His proof, or so he thought, was the strain of herpes that he'd picked up, supposedly from her. Given that herpes isn't really something that goes away on its own, the lawyer had to feel confident.

That is, until his now-estranged wife visited a doctor and was her tests for the disease came back negative. Um... oops. So either she found a way to be one of very few people throughout history to completely rid themselves of this mostly incurable disease, or maybe the lawyer caught the herpes from another place.

Oddly enough, this should still give grounds for the divorce, but we can't see this going well for the lawyer at this point. Of course, it's entirely possible that he was lying about the disease in the first place, and, really, that's probably the best he could hope for.

So, seriously folks, next time, double check before making accusations. It's just less embarrassing in the long run.

Hard to tell

A definite mark of shame for a museum would be the improper displaying of an art piece. Of course, with most art, it's often very easy to determine the proper setting for it. Some pieces enter into the realm of "confusing", making it more difficult for the curator to determine the intention. That's a time when the museums and art historians can look for clues within the piece itself showing how it was meant to be displayed.

This is all well and good, provided that you aren't looking at the works of Mark Rothko being displayed at the Tate Modern in London. See, Rothko was a modern artist, which meant that his pieces could also theoretically have been painted by a five-year-old with some good color theory. And, well, it seems that the Tate has been hanging some of his pieces the wrong way.

One of the pieces in question is a dark canvas, with two bars painted on it in a contrasting color. Currently, the bars are vertical, but it seems as though the proper way to hang the painting would be with the bars running horizontal. We know, it's tragic. Besides, as any fool could easily see, the horizontal bars carry deep meaning about the separation between man and the divine, while the vertical bars are little better than a knock-knock joke.

Alright, honestly, we could see how the mistake was made. And sure, Rothko's signature could have been an indication, but, as the article itself even says, the artist seems to have changed his mind about the intended orientation while creating the work. And again, this is modern art we're talking about. It's not like they weren't able to notice a church being stolen, one brick at a time.

That's been happening in Russia.

Heavy lifting done

Where oh where would we be without Florida? We wouldn't have the "dimpled chad", we'd probably have less citrus fruit, and we wouldn't look like we were always peeing on Cuba. But, by having Florida, we don't just get the good stuff we've mentioned above. Sure, while some people may think that locating a good portion of the nation's elderly in a hurricane bulls-eye seems like a good idea, others may think that trying to play ice hockey that far south seems a little bizarre.

But let's put all of that aside for a moment, and thank Florida for something recent. Specifically, a story published by the St. Petersburg Times, where readers were able to get how-to tips on a very important subject. That subject? Reading aloud to your kids.

Yes, folks, we're being serious about that. They put together an article giving parents advice on exactly how to go about reading to their kids. While we aren't parents ourselves, we thought that doing something like that wouldn't involve a log of rigorous training. We kind of assumed that rules were simple. One, get child. Two, find age-appropriate book. Three, read book to child. Well, thanks to St. Petersburg Times, we now know that there's a lot more involved in the process.

We're just waiting for their next hard-hitting expose. We understand that they're putting together a fantastic "How to Drink Water" story for next week.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 3, 2008

What a week this has been. Especially with the results of Tuesday night leading to spontaneous outbursts of rainbows, puppies, and shining sun throughout the world. What? That didn't happen? Hmm... maybe this "Change" thing isn't making the world into a Disney movie. For further proof, let's get rolling with our awards, shall we?

Clothes Call Award
Remember all of those clothes that the Republicans bought for Sarah Palin when she was asked to run along with John McCain? Turns out, now the GOP is sending lawyers to get the clothes back. While we also have heard that she likes to great reporters wearing only a towel, we're just not sure what she'll wear when she runs for President in 2009.

Forgetful Award
Let's say that you're planning something big. Now let's say that, part way through your plan, you forget a key element. That's what happened to a thief in Indiana, who, after robbing a gas station, left the money behind. The policing are hoping that now the suspect will conveniently forget to evade capture, while still remembering to wear pants.

Don't Chop Me, Bro Award
After being arrested for driving on a revoked license, a Kitsap County man countered with a strange admission. Looking at the police, he proceeded to tell them that he was versed in the ancient art of karate. The police, unimpressed, proved that they were versed in the ancient art of "arrest the crazy person", shortly before the man could demonstrate his technique of "Wax Off".

The Tragedy of Others Award
According to a recent study, part of the reason why bullies exist may be due to some people actually deriving pleasure from other people's pain. No word yet on whether simply open mocking and heavy use of sarcasm can lead to the same things.

Obama Mamas Award
It's entirely possible, given the results of Tuesday night, that there may be something of a baby boom coming down the corner. At least, that's what a Huffington Post writer postulates. Because, after all, this year's election was just so sexy that people can't keep their hands off of each other. Thank you, Obama, for ensuring that procreation will still happen (thereby, ironically, providing VPCheney with a restocked food supply).

Billy Goat Mower Award
In another sweeping move by Science, a recent study in Canada indicates that some smaller towns could benefit from doing something instead of using herbicides and lawn mowers. Instead, they suggest raising goats to help keep weeds under control. Canada is now researching bridges, and exactly how to get trolls to live under them.

Live-Blogging the Trial Award
According to the English Lord Chief Justice, the younger and more web-savvy a potential juror is, the less likely that they'd be a good candidate. Apparently, he said something about jurors not really listening, but we were too busy surfing the 'net to pay closer attention. Besides, thanks to episodes of Law & Order, we know that all trials end in under an hour.

And that wraps up our awards for this historic week. We'll be back next week, as we start to inch towards Turkey Day, and the benefits that go along with it (namely, turkey). Stay safe out there.

Get your tickets here

Alright. We like to make fun of Canada, but, in all honesty, we currently live in the state that, if it got annexed by our neighbors to the north, things wouldn't change too drastically. Well, sure, on a governmental level, but not necessarily within the mindset of the people. After all, there's a certain symbiosis when you live through long, cold, bitter winters all your life. Besides, we refer to ourselves sometimes as the state of a certain Canadian sport.

Still, maybe it's because of the cold, but it seems that some people in Canada are just now getting familiar with the existence of ticket scalpers. More specifically, they're getting used to the notion that maybe some of the scalpers aren't the most upstanding people.

We're shocked, too. Shocked that people continue to assume that scalpers are really doing it because they just happened to have a few extra tickets, and they want to make sure that others can attend the specific event. After all, why would people attempt to make money off of the goodwill (and/or hope) of others? We'll be able to answer that question when we get our return emails from Nigeria.

Listen. If you want to get tickets that someone has left over and not get charged more than face value, that's when you need to hope that one of your friends got tickets and someone cancelled last minute. Otherwise, for the "convenience" of being able to purchase tickets through a reseller, or from a street corner, you need to expect that you'll be paying more than what they did. It's a simple rule of the economy, where people want to see profits, not losses. Does this automatically lead to scams? No, but throw in the anonymity of the internet, and you've increased the likelihood.

But enough about that. Does anybody want tickets to see Neil Young?

Don't know much about history

Today, it's time to drop a pretense. It'll probably only be dropped for today, so tomorrow, things should be back to normal. And it is all in light of what happened yesterday. For the first time, in the couple of years of this blogs existence, it seems important to speak personally, without the conceit of their being multiple people writing it. It's just me, and, for today, that's enough.

So, last night, as the world as a whole knows, the American people elected a new President. During the campaign, I've tried to point out foibles and mistakes by both sides, but, throughout it all, it was hard to deny that we were approaching a historic moment. Either way, America was going to see it's first "minority" (and I'm using the term somewhat loosely) in one of the highest seats in the land. In the red corner, we had Sarah Palin, almost assuredly unqualified, but still the first woman with a real shot at becoming VP (and, let's face it, with McCain's health issues, President). In the blue corner, the first legitimate African American candidate for President, Barack Obama.

Now, everyone knows what the outcome of the election was. And, honestly, everyone knew what that outcome was going to be for quite some time. That doesn't detract for the history that was made. It doesn't change the fact that, for America, for one election at least color and gender were no longer barriers to leading the country. Yesterday's election is something we can leave for the children, as something positive to move forward.

Now, do I believe that the Messiah was elected POTUS last night? No. After all, Jesus never really wanted the job he got, and it became abundantly clear over the last year or so that Obama desperately did. While he may be coming from a place of hope and change, and wanting to fix what's wrong, he still wanted the power. And he's got a long road ahead of him. For proof of that, just look at how he fared in the South.

Also, do I believe that the country would be destined for absolute destruction had McCain/Palin won the election? Again, no. While the President does have a lot of power, no one person can cause either total collapse or complete recovery, even if GDub seemed to try. In fact, it may even have been more beneficial for the GOP to win, providing some semblance of a balance of power. After all, while John McCain has often sided with GDub, and Sarah Palin made it clear in interviews that she sided with whoever would get her more spotlight time, McCain is also known for reaching across the aisle and working on compromise. Hopefully Obama will take that same spirit.

One thing that I honestly hope we don't pass to future generations is the negativity that we all had to deal with during the campaign. Far too often, instead of the candidates explaining what they would do to help the people, they spent time pointing out what their opponent would do to hurt the people. Unfortunately, it does feel like we're only at the tip of the iceberg for that type of campaigning.

Either way, and putting personal politics aside, last night was a historic moment. For the first time in history, a black man and a woman squared off for the White House with legitimate chances to take office. Somewhere, a barrier fell, and a glass ceiling shattered. For Obama and Palin to both be on the precipice of history was a tremendous moment, and one that could (and possibly should) define a generation.

And now it's time to put down the pitchforks, the attacks, and the slanders, and get to the business of governing. It's time to take a historical moment and take advantage of the opportunity provided. It's time to lead, whether you won or lost the election.

The time is now. Don't screw it up.

Turn left at the nipple

Here we sit, Election Day in America, and we're going to be able to extricate ourselves from the endless speculation, exit poll tallying, and bickering over what's going on in our country. Why are we able to do that? Because, thanks to news from across the pond, we've found something more appealing than trying to handicap something that won't be determined for another 7 hours, at least.

But just what is it that we've found more appealing? Simple. It's lingerie fitted with a GPS system.

Now, in spite of today's title, it won't help those guys who are clueless in bed. And, in spite of what (according to the article) feminists the world over are saying, it won't work as a long-distance modern-day chastity belt. What it is meant to do, however, is to be like a distance game of hide-and-seek, where the woman wearing the tracking lingerie would be able to head to a steamy location, with the hopes that her partner of choice uses his TomTom to find her. Oh, and if she ever decides that she wants to get away for some quiet alone time, the owner of the lingerie has the ability to turn off the device.

In many ways, this is the next logical step in today's increasingly high-tech world. And yet, we have to wonder where some of the quiet simplicity has gone. Sure, it could be fun to track your girlfriend down using a GPS device. And sure, it could be amusing to see how long it takes for your lover to find just which seedy motel or secluded park you've chosen for a little late night rendezvous. But there's something to be said for finding those locations together, and not needing any sort of mechanical assistance.

Besides, as we all know, there's no place in a romantic relationship for tools. Well, not without being open-minded.

Obama Christ Superstar

Now that we're a mere day away from the election, it only makes sense that newspapers would start running more and more sensational stories about the candidates. After all, we've only been having them force-fed to us for the last couple of years. If we didn't get another big story soon, we might forget that there's an election coming up.

Which is why we're not horribly surprised to see a story that ties in the current global economic crisis, climate change, and the presumed rise of Barack Obama to the presidency as indications of the coming Judeo-Christian Apocalypse (which would be a kicking name for a metal band, by the way). That's right, folks. According to a group who've been following the signs for the Rapture, it may just be coming at some point near in the future. Or it could take a while. But we should be ready now.

Whatever your particular religious stance, there's a lot to gain from this article. Everybody can learn something. For example, we learned a little something from the quote attributed to one of the Left Behind authors, who stated that, "The Bible makes it clear (the Antichrist) will be from an obscure place, like Romania".

Well that's a huge burden off of our shoulders. And here we were, trying to figure out (aside from those ten rules on stone) where the Bible was clear. Meanwhile, for all of you living in Romania? We apologize in advance. Just saying.

So go out and vote tomorrow. In the meantime, we'll be studying a globe, looking for places even more obscure than Romania. We're looking at you, Botswana.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 27, 2008

Welcome back, folks. Here we are, mere days away from the election, and we're still awaiting our October Surprise. Of course, at this point, it may be a November Surprise, but that suits us just fine. The November Surprise comes with whipped cream and a cherry. And now, on to our awards.

Combating Fear Award
Some people are afraid of spiders. Others are afraid of clowns. And some, like this guy, are afraid of being buried alive. Of course, not everyone builds themselves a custom tomb to help out in just such a situation. Next up? Taking on the fear of heights by encouraging people to build their own skyscrapers.

Well, Crap Award
Turns out, not even having diarrhea is a good enough excuse for speeding. That's according to a court in Sweden, who stated that only emergencies give just cause for going above the speed limit. Apparently, ruining a perfectly good pair of pants just doesn't make Sweden's list of "emergencies".

A Champion Shall Fall? Award
It takes chutzpah to declare yourself a "champion of the people" when under 15 percent of your state approves of the job your doing. It takes even more chutzpah to declare that you're proud to be getting your "ass kicked" for those same people. By that line of thinking, Carrot Top is, and always will be, the champion of our particular corner of the world.

Naked Bowling Award
Alright, so it wasn't actual naked bowling that got an Iowa business man into trouble. It was naked beer slides on the bowling lanes. However, the owner is allowed to keep his liquor license, in large part due to the fact that bowling without drinking gets boring after a frame or two. No word on whether the naked beer slides still included gutter balls...

Sin Here Often? Award
In a prime example of "doing it wrong", we look in on a priest from Queens who decided to use his confessional booth as a pick-up location. First sign that you might be at the wrong parish? When you say, "Forgive me father", his response is "Sure. The absolution is on the nightstand."

Follicle Follies Award
In continuing efforts to find the silliest things to research, a new survey has been released stating that men prefer to date blondes, but to marry brunettes. Interestingly enough, Guy Ritchie and Alex Rodriguez were used as the control group for this particular survey.

Trick or Trick Award
Being that it's Halloween, we would be remiss if we didn't have some sort of holiday-themed story. Of course, being that this is the CSM, we'd also be remiss if we just mentioned candy or decorations or costumes. So we instead look at the state of Maryland, and the signs that they are requiring sex offenders post at their homes, to keep children away. Earlier this week, the state decided to change their signs, which had previously included the words, "No Candy at this Residence" and a jack-o-lantern. The new signs? No pumpkin. And problem solved!

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, inevitably to discuss the fall-out from the election on Tuesday, and the beginnings of the recount on Wednesday. Oops... we should have said "spoiler alert". Stay safe out there.

Finally, election news that makes sense

Alright. Yesterday we talked about one big endorsement that had come in for Republican John McCain. Well, it looks like another big one has come through, and this could spell the end of the Obama campaign.

After all, it's hard to keep going when the aliens are siding with your opponent.

Yes, we know that this is a story written for the always questionable Weekly World News, but we have to admit that it's finally something about the election that's gotten our interest.

Of course, we're also confident that Obama is currently holding onto the endorsement of Bigfoot. When it comes to mythical creatures, it's nice to know that the candidates are dead even.

Looks like it's going to come down to Bat Boy, yet again. Isn't that always the way?

Endors'd

As we draw ever closer to the election, we've been waiting with baited breath to see which candidate gets some of the major endorsements that have been lingering out there. A big one came in recently, and the nation as a whole can breathe a sign of relief.

No, we're not talking about the endorsement by Colin Powell. That's old news. We're talking about the recent endorsement picked up by the McCain/Palin campaign.

You know, from "Joe the Plumber".

Well thank goodness we can finally know who he was supporting. After all, we were still confused about where his loyalties were lying. But now we can put those doubts and concerns to bed.

Wait. How on earth is this news? Seriously, how did it get to become a major endorsement? The guy isn't a politician, or a well-known public figure. His last name isn't even "Plumber". He's just a guy who asked some questions of the candidates, and got thrust into the spotlight because McCain wanted to seem more populist than he is (after all, he feels the pain you do regarding mortgages, except he feels it seven times more strongly). And now some average guy who accidentally found his way into national attention is being asked about his endorsement, and it's being reported like real news.

Listen, if "Joe the Plumber" really deserved our attention, he would have whored himself out on a reality television show by now. Although maybe that's coming just down the road. What's next, a headline screaming, "Random Blogger Decries Importance of 'Plumber' Endorsement"?

Yeah, because that will narrow it down.

Not thirsty

Whew.

You hear that, folks? That was a sigh of relief. And you may ask yourself, why are we sighing in relief (you may also ask yourself, "Where does that highway go to?")?

Easy. According to the TSA, we might finally be able to bring liquids bigger than 3 oz. onto the plane with us again in the next year or so.

That's right. Our long, dehydrated nightmare may finally be coming to a close. Long have we wished that we could just stash a full-sized tooth of toothpaste into our carry-on bag for a three-day trip. We've practically begged for the ability to haul a gallon or two of water with us. And don't even get us started on our hair spray. And now, we might be seeing a time come where all of those options are once again open to us.

Even better, there's a side bonus to this easing of restrictions. Airline security is even going so far as to guess that possibly having fewer restrictions on what people can and can't bring on the planes might speed up lines through the checkpoints. Do you hear that, America? That's the sound of passengers rushing from a crawl to a slow walk as they hope that they can find their gate before the plane boards. Finally, airline passengers will be able to feel a slight self-generated breeze ruffling their hair (for better results, stand near a fan).

Why, we're in such a good mood, that we can't even make fun of the fact that politicians are encouraging one of their own to resign, since he was recently convicted of violating federal ethics laws. Sure, we could mock them all for waiting until after the verdict was returned, but, darnit, we're going to be able to bring liquids onto planes again.

Happy day indeed.

Money well spent

Boy, it's a good thing that there isn't some sort of a global economic crisis going on right now. We only say that because, if there was some sort of problem like that, it might make our story seem a whole heck of a lot worse. After all, people get a little antsy no matter what the financial climate when they see any large expenditure of money by local governments.

And this time, it's all about the image. Specifically, the image that the Norfolk Constabulary uses to promote their crime prevention efforts in the UK. And, well, at the price tag of 35,000 pounds, it's hard not to argue.

Especially when the image is different largely in coloration only.

Well that's just a relief. Honestly, we were quite afraid that they were going to remove the comfortable star-and-crown motif that we would have come to recognize as the symbol of the Norfolk Constabulary, if only we lived anywhere near where they patrolled. And when we think about that 3,000 pounds used to create the new design, we're just impressed.

Impressed that anyone could command that sort of money for tracing something previously created and applying a new palate to it. Of course, that style of artistry isn't unheard of, but we're fairly certain that Andy Warhol had nothing to do with the new Norfolk shield.

But before we get too bent out of shape, we need to realize that the new logo will also include the phrase, "Our priority is you". That's a nice sentiment, even if the priority really did seem to be a misappropriation of funds to color in an old picture.

Heck, even Ted Turner got in trouble when he did it. Why should Norfolk be any different?

Coffee-soaked Awards - Week of October 20, 2008

Blah blah blah insert something witty here blah blah.

Sorry... we're a little run-down. This whole election thing is just getting to us. Only a couple of weeks to go before we have to deal with recounts and one party complaining about the outcome. Anyways, on to our awards!

Sometimes It's Just Bad Award
Newt Gingrich, former Republican powerhouse, and current crazy person, has apparently decided that Sarah Palin can't be the only politician getting mileage out of Saturday Night Live. Earlier this week, Gingrich called the sketch comedy show "slander" and said that it was worthy of being sued, proving that Gingrich doesn't understand the difference between slander and farce. Meanwhile, the careers of Dana Carvey, Horatio Sanz, Chris Kattan, Joe Piscopo, Cheri Oteri, and Victoria Jackson couldn't be found for comment.

Burn, Dude, Burn Award
What would you do if your significant other didn't stop strangers from looking at you in a potentially sexual way? If you said "douse them in gasoline and light them on fire," you may be a recently convicted Michigan woman. We all know that she thought he was hot, but this is ridiculous.

Go Outside Award
Just a quick tip for anyone planning on huffing aerosol fumes. Seriously, people, do it outside, and definitely don't light a cigarette shortly afterwards. Oh, and no one is allowed to touch you in your bathing suit area without your permission. We now return you to your regularly scheduled awards.

Must Be From All That Reading Award
Earlier this week, John McCain and Sarah Palin were interviewed by Brian Williams of NBC News. One question he asked was regarding domestic terrorism, and whether abortion bombers qualify. Palin, proving that she's read things handed to her, answered the question by talking about William Ayers. McCain, proving that he's read things handed to him, ordered a cup of coffee and a slice of blueberry pie.

Pinching the Pint Award
It looks like Britain may be about to follow Australia when it comes to servings of beer. Floating somewhere between a half and a full pint, the "schooner" has taken root in Australia, and it may be appearing soon at English pubs. To combat this, Germany has unveiled the UltraStein, which is just an above-ground swimming pool filled with beer. It also comes with a beer chaser.

Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think Award
A city in Canada may be about to put their foot down when it comes to a menace terrorizing front yards. That menace? The ever-present hockey net. No mention of whether or not curling will still be encouraged as soon as the streets ice over. It really is like a free ride when you've already paid (minor mention because, well, Alanis is Canadian. See how we tied that together?)

Since I'm Already Here Award
A Vermont man had been taken to the police station under suspicion of having committed theft. So, while he's at the station, he decides to steal something off of the police bulletin board. The thief may have just wanted to save the cops on gas money. But wait until you see his disappearing pencil trick.

And that does if for our awards this week. We'll be back next week, looking ever more paranoid. But that's just because we'll be spending next Friday running from gangs of children who want their candy back. Stay safe out there.

Pwned

It's a sad story, but one that's been seen time and time again. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. There's a wedding, and, over time, boy and girl start falling out of love, so they get a divorce. Girl takes the concept of divorce badly, and makes the decision to exact vengeance on boy. Girl tracks boy down and commits murder. We wish that such a story would never happen, but it does pop up from time to time, and it just recently did again in Japan.

Except for the key detail that the two were married online, and she killed his avatar.

That's right, folks. She got so distraught over the concept of her online (read: totally fake) marriage falling apart that she decided to remove from the equation the thing that was causing her such pain. That thing, for those curious, was a collection of pixels on an MMORPG. And now, because of it, the woman is in jail, awaiting charges.

Naturally, this could be seen as yet another reason for people to avoid online gaming. Sure, you might be able to run around a lush, virtual world, casting yourself as the hero in a global conflict, but you might meet a crazy person that wants to get compu-hitched. Next thing you know, you're sharing LAN cables, have a separate teamspeak set up for the person in question, and spend all of your time trying to craft them a perfect piece of jewelry. Then they decide that they want to leave you for that awesome character with all of the awesome equipment, and you never see them again. Obviously the only recourse is to log into their account and have their avatar commit suicide, preferably in a grotesque fashion.

Or, you know, you could meet people in the real world. Just think of it as the most realistic MMO ever.

Spend, baby, spend

Maybe it's just us, but it seems like, right now, some of the high-profile Republicans are watching their party implode around them. From John McCain possibly already abandoning states to Barak Obama, to Michele Bachmann talking about "anti-American" sentiments in Congress (but it was just a media trap, and she certainly didn't mean it if she did say it), the GOP is definitely having a rough time. Thank heavens they're being fiscally conservative, and are dealing smartly with the current economic turmoil.

Well, just so long as you don't look at the money spent by the party on making sure that Sarah Palin and family look good for the cameras. And it just goes to prove that not even $150,000 in clothes can make someone seem more qualified.

Yes, you read that correctly. And, if you're like us, you're a little upset by this. Of course, the GOP is attempting to downplay the whole thing, pointing out (and rightly) that there are more important issues facing this country than the dollar value of the clothes for their candidates. The only problem is that they're expecting us to completely ignore the furor raised over a $400 haircut by John Edwards during the primaries for the Democrats. Oh, wait, he didn't visit his barber during a recession.

Now we're not going to say that the Republicans are the only ones that play this game of double standards. After all, the Democrats are pouncing on the comments made by Bachmann, but seem to be trying to sweep under the rug comments made by Jack Murtha as being merely a mistake, and not that big of a deal. Sure, saying that members of Congress may be anti-America is bad, but so is calling half of your state racist and/or rednecks.

Of course, we've got an idea for this whole mess, but we doubt it would be followed. First and foremost, force the candidates to dress themselves, on their own dollar. And secondly, instead of toeing a double standard within the parties, how about we take time to actually address the issues that pop up fairly on both sides of the aisle.

Or is that just too radical of a concept?

Priorities

Sometimes, people break into houses just to avoid inclement weather. Other times, they do it because it's their own home, and they lost their keys. Still other people do it because they heard that it would be a great place to host a party. You know, the kind of party where you invite twenty of your closest friends and, by the end of it, over 200 people, a llama, a rock band (complete with their own stage) and the police have arrived. The kind of party someone can only have when their parents are out of town. And yes, there are a good portion of people who break into house (to get ourselves back on track) simply because they're fairly certain that the people who live there have nice stuff, and they themselves would like some of that stuff.

But it's definitely not common for someone to break into a house so they can charge their cell phone.

Apparently, though, that's exactly what happened. We can't really understand the scenario that might lead to such a decision, but we're sure it made a lot of sense to the culprit at the time. Was it that he was maybe waiting for a call from a significant other, and realized that he only had one battery bar left? Was he trying to win tickets from his local radio station, and knew that, if he didn't charge his phone, there was no way he'd be able to be caller number fourteen? Was he maybe just really really high at the time, and thought that his cell phone was a magic toaster oven that might provide him with a freshly-warmed bagel?

Of course, it's possible that he had just run down his phone's battery by answering calls from political parties. If that's the case, then we think he might have been justified at least a little in his actions.

A wee nip

We understand. Sometimes people engage in hard work, and there's nothing more rewarding than a cold, frosty beverage as a special treat on a break. It's a great feeling to be able to step away from the job, put your feet up, and quench your thirst.

While most jobs give you scheduled breaks throughout your time on the job, one place that you might benefit from working all the way through would be in the middle of a crime. Just ask the California man who was arrested for breaking into a liquor store, all because he was found drinking in the store's walk-in cooler.

Really, we're sure he was thirsty, and the beer he consumed probably felt great going down, but there are just wiser times to do these things. Heck, taking a break in the middle of a robbery is probably pretty similar to suspending your campaign in an economic crisis. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but all it's bound to do is damage your long-term chances.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 13, 2008

Alright. Before we get too deeply into this post, we just have something to say. A deep breath. Okay. Okay, we're ready.

Joe the Plumber. Joe the Plumber Joe the Plumber JoethePlumberaaaaugh!!!!

Whew. Now that we've got that out of our systems, let's move on to the awards, shall we? We already feel a little more presidential.

Smelling Space Award
Since we haven't been able to send a manned mission to the moon for decades, it only makes sense that NASA would try a new foray into their research. That foray? Trying to find someone to recreate the smell of outer space. The next step? Finding a Febreeze strong enough to purify even the uncharted reaches of space. It will first be tested in high school locker rooms.

Dangerous? Really? Award
We have to give a nod to the CDC. Thanks to them, we now know that car-surfing may not just be a fun past time. In fact, it might be dangerous. The CDC is now looking into picking a fight with a Hells Angel and skydiving without a parachute.

Squeak Award
A man from Auckland now faces community service for cruelty to a mouse. Apparently, the mouse was retrieved from a woman's cleavage, and then the man proceeded to kill it while pretending to eat it. Minnie couldn't be reached for comment, but sources close to the deceased mouse claim that he always enjoyed cleavage.

Smashing Pumpkins Award
David Letterman has made a big of a history for himself out of smashing pumpkins from outside of his show. Now he's angling to blow up a pumpkin weighing in at almost 3/4 of a ton. Letterman originally went for a second-place pumpkin, but the owner declined, forcing him to move on to the champion, or "pumpking", as it were. If only Billy Corgan could be the musical guest that night...

Monkeying Around Award
When told by a court commissioner that you aren't allowed to keep a pet monkey, don't try to fool them by staging a photo that shows them having been relocated to Mexico. Especially when you live near a large Hispanic community, such as Los Angeles. Oddly enough, in at least one of the photos, the monkey has an expression saying, "THIS is your best plan?"

Joe the Plumb-DANGIT!!!

Mother-Daughter Day Award
Some parents go the extra mile for their children. A California mother did just that, by driving her 12-year-old daughter to a park so that she could fight with another student. But that's not all. When it became clear her daughter was losing, the mother stepped in to help out. Because the first rule of School Fight Club is "Don't talk about School Fight Club", and the seventh rule is "Bring a bigger parent."

Fake Arrest Award
Sometimes, people can get away with portraying police officers. By sometimes, we mean when they have been cast as a cop, or possibly when they are stripping for a party. One time that you definitely can't get away with pretending to be a cop is when you pull over your neighbor at a traffic stop. On the plus side, the fake cop was merely giving warnings to people, as opposed to writing tickets. The first tip that the man was a fake cop? There was no doughnut dust on his shirt.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We've just got to end it before, like John McCain and Barack Obama before us, we find ourselves referring to a random name and occupation like it's going to save the campaign. Besides, "Bertram the Janitor" just doesn't have the same ring. Stay safe out there.