Just a quick tuck

First off, we've got a quick update from a previous story we talked about. Remember the legislator who was suing god? Yeah, his case has been thrown out. Turns out it's hard to sue someone who doesn't have a permanent address. Maybe if the man bringing the complaint had "Joe the Plumber" as a character witness, his trial might have seen the light of day.

But moving on from that, we found an article today that scares us a bit. Apparently, people have gotten a little beyond simply looking after their own looks with cosmetic "treatments". In fact, you might want to be careful before agreeing to stand up at someone's wedding. After all, since you're going to be in their photos, they might want you to get Botox.

Scary, right? To think that there's any bride or groom out there who is so concerned about how their pictures look that they would make appointments for their bridal party to get a face lift or other cosmetic surgery done is kind of sad. Sure the article mentions brides doing this to their bridesmaids, but, let's be honest. Thanks to the advent of metrosexuality, men are just as prone to freaking out over appearance and "fixing" it.

Here's our suggestion to making sure the pictures look good. Get a good camera, and put everyone in good colors and fabrics. Then utilize lighting and a professional photographer. Then smile, and accept that people do this little thing called "aging", and that might actually lead to a couple of lines on their faces. After all, it's better to have a few wrinkles than to freeze your face in such a way that you'll never smile again.

If that doesn't work, then hide everyone behind flowers. People love flowers.

Follow the herd

This one's just shocking. We definitely never saw this coming, but, thanks to research and studies, we now have definitive proof.

College students find their political leanings influenced by fellow students.

Like we said, just a shocking revelation. We were confident that people formed their views by isolating themselves from the world and digging through whatever news they happened to come across. We were also pretty sure that college students did even less than that, and merely sustained themselves on the nourishing drip of whichever 24-hour news channel they left the television on. But to think that they might actually listen to their peers? Wow.

As a secondary piece of research, the people conducting the study also determined that college students tend to be more liberal in their views, at least during the college years. Apparently there being a larger concentration of liberal groups on many colleges influenced our future leaders by exposing them to ideas. Now we can see why the GOP has been pointing out the "elitism" of the liberal agenda. After all, not everyone can go to college, so obviously those privileged few get exposed to this messaging, while the everyday "Joe Six Pack" never hears of these kind of groups.

But there's hope. It seems that, often, once the students leave the latte-sipping confines of higher education, they start to revert to conservative views on many of the issues. Well thank heavens for that. After all, we'd hate to think of what might happen should those students never readjust their stance on the issues.

For example, we might actually have open and honest discussion about the issues. And we all know that we can never have that.

Jumping the gun

Sure, we've all started to see Christmas decorations slip in around the Halloween areas of our local department stores. After all, people just can't get enough of that wonderful Santa-themed stuff, and they clamor for it earlier and earlier every year. And, by people, we mean the people that stand to make money off of jump-starting the Christmas season earlier every year. Heck, we wouldn't be surprised to hear that Labor Day eventually gets bumped, too, except it's not anywhere near as commerical of a holiday.

Still, while we may not necessarily like seeing trees, tinsel, and babies in a manger at this time of year, we can't really fault the stores for trying to take advantage of the fact that consumers are shopping earlier, due to the failing economy. Heck, if we owned a store, we'd probably have it loaded up with wreaths and shepherds watching their flocks by night.

But that's no reason for a radio station around St. Louis to surprise listeners over the weekend and start broadcasting Christmas music. The station is claiming that the holiday music is popular all year long, and that people tend to enjoy listening to it. This, of course, doesn't take into account the fact that, in many communities, the only radio stations you can get are playing nothing but Christmas music.

Listen, we're just asking for a little restraint. Sell your decorations, so that people can prepare for the season at hand. Encourage people to stock up on wrapping paper and baking essentials. But can we leave Christmas off of our airwaves?

At this rate, there's nobody that will even play "The Monster Mash" anymore. Which, admittedly, may be a blessing in disguise.

Go Team Pope!

While people here in America are getting up in arms regarding the presidential campaign, and some are going so far as to cry out for violence against the opposing candidate, the Pope has been marching to a different drum. Instead of attack ads and empty words, the Pope's been busy making saints.

Well, okay, so he may have used some empty words, too. Turns out that when you're Pope, you need to denounce violence.

Whew. It's a good thing we got that cleared up. Before he came out as being anti-violence, we weren't sure where the leader of the Catholic church stood on that. Sure, it's been a long time since the church itself has encouraged people to leave their homes and fight abroad, but that doesn't mean it might not be time for a new Crusade in the next couple of years. But now we can rest easy, because the Pope doesn't like violence.

More specifically, he doesn't like anti-Christian violence. Well now, that makes a lot of good sense, too. By the same token, that would be like Obama saying he doesn't support anti-Democrat violence, or Sarah Palin claiming that she's opposed to anti-Unqualifieds violence.

And yes, we are in agreement that violence, specifically combat and the like, is something to be against. We just aren't really sure what the need was for the Pope to specifically denounce it.

Unless, you know, he's just a figurehead of some kind, without much real power. In which case, once again, go Team Pope! Now let's get some lipstick for him...

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 6, 2008

Wow. Sure, it seems like we've been posting for the last couple of days, but we're also pretty sure that we just woke up from the complete and total cure for insomnia of the debates on Tuesday night. So we're not really sure what happened over the past couple of days, but we do have the distinct feeling that we're now "friends" with McCain. Anyways, let's get moving on to the awards.

Live, From New York, It's The VP Candidate Award
It's really happening. People hinted that it might when Tina Fey returned to portray the Alaskan governor, but now it's confirmed for October 25. Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on Saturday Night Live. Given how she's performed in live settings recently, we expect something folky. Oh, and funny in that whole train crash sort of way. The only thing we can be certain is that she'll be funnier than Horatio Sanz.

Vote for the "S" Award
We're certain that it's happened before, where typos slip through the cracks and get released on absentee ballots. We're also certain that it's not common for a "B" to be replaced with an "S", as some absentee ballots show for Barack Obama. That's right, the ballots from Rensselaer County in New York give voters the option of selecting "Barack Osama". We're sure this was a mistake, and doesn't show any sort of a sia-er, um, bias. Wow. It is totally easy to hit the "s" instead of the "b". You know, if you type with your fists.

Real Partisan Dolls Award
To complete our political hat trick, we found a story about people complaining to Walgreens about dolls based on the candidates. Apparently the dolls used things called "stereotypes" and "comedy" to try to make light of one of the longest and dirtiest campaigns ever. Apparently, the Obama doll would dance, the Clinton doll referred to herself as a broad, and the McCain doll staggered around in a daze, not really sure where it was. We're fairly certain that there's a Palin doll available, too, but we're afraid that it might only come in life-size, so we're choosing not to think about it.

A Good Deal Award
Let this be a lesson to everyone. When placing something for auction on a website, suggest a minimum bid. Otherwise you too could lose your yacht for under 25 Euros. The yacht owner was hoping to get at least 12,000 Euros for his boat, but made an error in listing it, and then lost a court decision trying to overturn his mistake. Unfortunately, here in America, if you see a Ford Pinto (or, at this point, a Ford plant) listed for $50, it's probably not a mistake.

That's Just Stupid Award
It may be stupid, but that's the point the judge was trying to hammer home when he sentenced a man to either jail time, or time spent at the location of his crime, wearing a sign stating, "I was stupid". Prosecutors in the case argued with the sentencing, claiming that the sign shouldn't be in the past tense. The defense, meanwhile, pointed out the correct grammar, since the sign kept the criminal out of prison.

Think of the Crooks Award
Your yard has been the victim of thieves in the past. You decide to protect your property, and string up barbed wire. You're told that you have to take the barbed wire down because it might hurt the thieves. The British are now competing with America for which country can have the most insane legislation, saddened that the Yankees have trounced them for so long.

Sad Messiah Award
According to a new study conducted by a professor at Ball State University, religion may not be the ultimate pick-me-up. In fact, it's downright depressing. What's next, telling us that people who hold differing view points on subjects could lead to confrontation?

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with all new stories. Wait, who are we kidding? It'll be the same old stories, coated in a new varnish, possibly with new subjects. Stay safe out there.

Going for a ride

Sometimes, the best ideas turn out to be the worst things to act on. Take, for example, the concept of driving down the street on a riding lawn mower. It seems like harmless fun (unless, of course, you happen to be chasing people down, in which case, the good idea never quite formed). So you jump on the back of the mower and start cruising. It all works out great until the police show up.

Of course, if you happen to be drunk, carrying a flask of whiskey, and towing a case of beer all at the same time as you're travelling on your mower, then you probably couldn't spell "good idea" if someone spotted you everything but the "a".

But that's exactly what a Missouri man tried to do recently. After having been involved in an earlier disturbance, the man apparently went home, filled his flask, deposited the beer on the trailer, and got himself fully loaded before he jumped onto his mower. When he was found by the police, he registered a BAC of over 14 times the legal limit. And, just in case he started being able to see clearly, as you can read above, he made sure to bring plenty of supplies.

It's entirely possible that he had merely decided that he was going to move the entire neighborhood, and also thought that he needed a bit of liquid courage to make it through the ordeal. There's even a chance that he was diverted into the street by an elderly person telling him to get off of their lawn.

Or he was so drunk before he got on the mower that it seemed like the best possible recourse. After all, with that much liquor, he couldn't really walk anywhere.

At least he realized he wasn't safe to drive. Just to cut people's lawns.

Handling crimes

Today, we find two articles that deal with criminal proceedings in an interesting way. In our first, a man decides that he will return a number of stolen possessions provided that his victim beat him in a fight. In the second, we learn that skipping jury duty to drink might not be the wisest choice in a DWI trial.

Looking at the first story a little more clearly, we find it very interesting on multiple levels. First off, the crook and the victim apparently know each other, or at least know of each other. While plenty of crimes tend to happen within acquaintances, we can't imagine deciding to hold a "winner take all" fight between friends. At least, not after one has robbed the other. We would think that the thief might have proposed such an endeavor prior to the crime, but not once the deed had already been done. Secondly, we're a bit shocked to find that both men are over 50. Sure, it would be easy pickings to challenge most 60-year-old men to fights for their belongings, but that advantage is practically nullified by the advanced age of the burglar. And yes, we do believe that the fight will begin with both old men shouting, "Warriors, get off my lawn!"

Meanwhile, in the other story, our 50-year-old potential juror thought that drinking heavily would keep him out of court. He apparently forgot other tips like claiming to be prejudiced against everything, and being certifiably insane. It's also entirely possible that the man thought he was being asked to be a juror for the OJ Simpson trial, and was still trying to figure out what driving had to do with the mess.

Our lesson for today? Don't mess with old people. A good number of them are insane.

Slainte!

You know it's serious when a college that's prohibited alcohol on campus for almost 60 years decides to reverse course. Of course, this is merely temporary, all thanks to a special event, but, for one night only (theoretically) the campus will feature booze flowing freely.

Or, at least, it will flow in a tent for media. After all, we can't expect reporters and cameramen to cover tonight's debate sober.

In many ways, this makes a lot of sense. We've watched as both campaigns have drunkenly staggered across the landscape, weaving worse than an alcoholic in a Ferrari, as they've both gone from being counted out to being the respective nominees for their parties. We've even seen them court people normally on the outside of their demographics to try and woo the voters to their side. They may say that politics makes strange bedfellows, but few bedfellows are quite so strange as the ones forged with alcohol.

Of course, this move to include potent potables would make even more sense if the debate tonight was for the VP candidates. After all, with Biden's seeming inability to open his eyes, and Palin winking her way through cutesy answers, both act like they're more comfortable speaking to support groups than the nation as a whole.

Besides, by allowing alcohol to flow at the debate, this will only encourage people to make the event into a drinking game. We suggest choosing either "maverick" or "hope". Stay away from "change", because it could be dangerous with even water.

Oh, and definitely don't decide to drink any time the candidates make a claim that can't be substantiated. That's a recipe for disaster.

The punishment fits

We're torn here, people. A large part of us wants to tear into comments made over the weekend by one of the VP candidates. Naturally, we're not talking about the guy who's taking time off from campaigning because of his mother-in-law's passing. We're talking about the woman who seems to think that quirk and being "cute" will help put her in office. After all, it was just this weekend that she decided that she wanted to link her opponents to terrorists, in spite of the fact that these links have been debunked time and time again, and also in spite of her own connections to radical groups that share a similar view.

But we won't. We're not going to step there, other than that opening paragraph. Why? Because this is America, and it's an America that we would like to believe will not vote based on scare tactics or on who winks at us the most. We'd like to think that this is an America that will vote the way they do because, well, otherwise we're Germany.

Not like Nazi Germany. No, we're talking about the Germany that sentences an elderly woman to knitting sweaters.

Now, in all fairness, the woman did go around and slash tires. Apparently all of her cries for the neighbors to get off of her lawn resulted in them putting cars on her street, and she didn't like that one bit, either. Apparently, she forgot the key point about cars with slashed tires, and how they don't go very far, and she forgot that point around 50 times. When given the original fine, she even admitted that she couldn't pay. Now, in plenty of places, not being able to pay for your criminal actions results in jail time, even if you're over 80 (in America it results in placement into government office more often than not). But in Germany, they decided to make the punishment fit the criminal.

Which is why she has to knit sweaters. When she's done, she's off the hook. We only wonder if she makes them to request, because, if so, we've got some tires she could slash.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 29, 2008

Here we sit, winking in the glow of the debates from last night. Wait, no, that's just Sarah Palin, and we can't be certain that her winking wasn't just some sort of facial tic that she couldn't control. But golly, did she answer some questions. She even gave some answers that made people think, "Darn". Good thing she's folksy, because we haven't had enough of that in the White House for the last, oh, 16 or so years. Anyways, on to the awards, shall we?

Naked Business Lunch Award
Looks like Playboy is trying to strike gold again. After having pictorials on some of the women from previous economic catastrophes, the company is now looking to the women of Wall Street. And yes, it will most likely bring a new meaning to the term "ringing the final bell". Let's just hope that IHOP never goes under.

A Fiery Ring Award
Some couples are just meant to be. In a lot of ways, it makes sense that an arsonist might find a firefighter to pair up with. Although this is probably one of the first relationships sparked (sorry) because he extinguished her flame. At least they'll never be bored.

In a Rush Award
Some people are just impatient. Some people's impatience gets them into trouble. For one Florida man, his impatience was so bad that he found himself breaking into cars in a prison parking lot, shortly after paying bail for a different arrest the previous night. Seriously, folks, if you need to commit crimes do it further than 30 feet outside of the main doors.

Spare Change Award
Who would've possibly thought that panhandlers can make upwards of $40/hour shilling on a street corner? Oh, that's right, just about everyone who's ever been accosted by them. You might ask where all the money goes, but then you'd forget about Christian Brothers, Thunderbird, and second-hand stores to keep that official homeless look going.

Moving Halloween Award
It should come as no shock, after the Vatican moved St. Patrick's Day earlier this year, but now there's a town that's decided it should celebrate Halloween on November 1. The town is trying to avoid traffic problems by having children trick-or-treat during rush hour, but the change is being met with resistance. In other news, Michael Meyers is frantically changing his schedule.

My Heart Will Go Ouch Award
A recent brawl after a concert surprised officials in Milwaukee. No, they weren't surprised that the concert was being performed by Celine Dion. They were surprised that enough people attended to fill up the nearby parking ramps.

Not Drunk, Just Disgusting Award
Looking to get a DUI charge dropped, and you happen to be visiting lovely and scenic Kazahkstan? Claim that you were drinking kumys, with it's (completely legal) 4% alcohol content. Just try to forget that kumys is actually fermented mare's milk. Admittedly, it has better taste and more alcohol than Budweiser, which is simply fermented Clydesdale urine. Hey, why else do they show the horses at Christmas time?

And, on that horribly tasteless note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week. We'd go on for longer, but we're still trying to figure out half of the things that either Biden or Palin talked about last night. All we really caught? Tears, and a winkjob. Stay safe out there.

You don't say

Wow. Just wow. For a moment there, we were all ready to give credit to a Finnish gaming company for removing a violent game from their site. It's not so much the concept of violent video games that we have problems with, but more so the execution of this particular game, and games of its ilk. After all, it was a game about shooting kindergarten aged children. So here we were, all ready to congratulate them for their forward thinking.

Until we realized that they pulled it in reaction to the worst school shooting had ever seen. And it took them a week to do it.

Oh yeah, and it had been featured on a children's gaming site.

Honestly, at that point, what were they thinking? It's not like the game featured the ability to play marbles with other kids. Instead, the main character is someone walking around with a shotgun shooting kindergartners. Heck, we remember getting disturbed playing Silent Hill because some of the monsters looked to be the size of children. We simply can't fathom what would make someone decide that a game where the targets are obviously kids should be marketed to people in the game's "victim" demographic.

We don't normally get up in arms about video games. We tend to think that people can consume for themselves what they choose to, at least once their adults. We also tend to think that parents should take a more active role in the media that their children consume. However, with some many parents out of the house, the big bad internet has been utilized as something of an extra baby-sitter. In those situations, it would be nice for parents to not have to worry if their kids are finding a game called "Kindergarten Killer" just a click away from games like "Frogger" and "Pac-Man".

We'd ask Sarah Palin's advice on this, but either she won't be familiar with the concept of video games, or she'll dodge the question with circular logic. Which does mean that she's ready for her debate tonight.

Putting the "ex" in sexism

First off, before we get to our real story, we just feel the need to remind folks about something.

Seriously, stop blindly following your GPS devices. There's a road for a reason, people. Got that? Good. Moving on.

Remember not too long ago when the McCain campaign was trying to call out the media for the way they were investigating and questioning Sarah Palin? Remember specifically that they were accusing the media of being sexist in their portrayal of her as some backwoods bumpkin that thinks that, just because she can see Russia, she's traveled there? Well, in an interview with Katie Couric, we got to see just how much Palin agrees with that statement.

Apparently, not one bit.

In fact, the GOP VP candidate went so far as to say that it would be sexist for the media NOT to question her. In many ways, this is true. By simply giving her a free pass because her plumbing is internal, it would be disrespectful and sexist, much in the same way it would be racist for the media to not criticize or probe Barack Obama for being born darker of skin, or ageist for them to automatically assume that McCain can't often remember where he put his car keys (although, in his defense, he does have a lot of couches to look under).

By the same token, we have to wonder about which talking points Palin is using. After all, disagreeing with her own campaign in such a blatant way seems to show a division in the ranks. At the very least, it exhibits that McCain and his staff are out of touch with their chosen running mate and her views. True, she's still woefully underprepared, but at least she isn't (currently) jumping up and down on the sexism bandwagon, trying to hide behind an incorrectly used phrase.

Besides, from what we know about Sarah Palin, she won't hide behind incorrectly used phrases. She'll embrace and champion them, even if it makes her look like she's less qualified than a potted begonia.

Money money money money

Wow. Feels like we've been gone forever. Thankfully, in our absence, stupidity has continued to flourish amongst the criminal elements of our society.

What's that? You need proof? You don't simply believe it this time? Well, how about when someone decided to use marked bills to pay their court fine?

As it turns out, these thieves weren't willing to take the risk to steal the money from a safe, or even from a cash register. Instead, they got their bills from a restaurant. More specifically, a restaurant that had a tradition of placing signed money on their walls. After all, it was a way for them to show off on the types of clientele they could get in.

But that's not all. Aside from just having bills that had received signatures scribbled on them by various eaters, many of these bills had another distinguishing characteristic. Many had the name of the restaurant stamped onto them. It's not like seeing the "Where's George?" markings on a bill. Well, it might have been, but we're going to assume that these stamps didn't include a website.

We've never been thieves, but we've seen a lot of movies dealing with this subject, and other subjects of an even more illicit nature, and even we've learned that you always try to get unmarked bills. Obviously, these guys have never seen a crime movie.

Either that, or they were so disturbed by the guy who had his daughter model for his nude Sarah Palin painting that they had a temporary leave of their senses.

Under suspension

Anyone who's been following political news recently will know exactly what the McCain campaign announced yesterday. For those that don't know, here's a quick recap.

In light of the economic crisis, he's suspending his campaign. That's right, folks, we won't see McCain commercials, interviews, debates, or fundraisers until we've got this whole bail-out thing figured out. Or until his staff change their minds, and go ahead with business as usual. But hey, it's the thought that counts.

On one level, suspending the campaign (if only they'd actually done what they claimed) would be something that could be applauded. Instead of partisan bickering, this could have been a chance for McCain and Obama to put aside their frantic rush towards the White House and work together, with the rest of Congress, to pass some sort of a plan. Then, once everything was taken care of, they could have returned to the campaign trail, with both being able to tout that they reached "across the aisle" to stave off a total recession.

Well, aside from the fact that Obama didn't follow McCain's lead, and aside from the fact that McCain is continuing campaigning (just more quietly), the timing of the "suspension" is a little off. After all, it comes right on the heels of polls that show McCain losing the lead he'd gained with Sarah Palin (who is totally not a witch, we've come to learn). It's also right before a debate that even his own aides felt he stood a good chance of losing. Oh yeah, and the VP debates scheduled for next week might need to get pushed back, because the McCain campaign thinks that Palin may be "unprepared" to debate Biden. You know, because he has things like experience and qualifications and an actual platform.

Sadly, in today's overcharged political world, even a suspended campaign will yield political results. Will this be a chance for the GOP to pounce on Obama's continued time on the trail as a sign that he's just power hungry? Will the Dems point to McCain suspending his campaign as a sign of weakness in the face of adversity? Will it give all of us a chance to figure out just why we've been putting up with this for the last couple of years?

We'll find out some of those answers tomorrow night at the debate. Provided, of course, that everyone shows up. Maybe David Letterman should be brought in to moderate.

Pity for PETA

We admit, we look at PETA with some sorrow in our hearts. After all, the cause that they've championed seems like a a great one. Who doesn't like animals, and wants to treat them ethically? Especially since we're animals! We want to be treated ethically, too!

Unfortunately, far too often, the message that they're trying to get across gets lost in the stunts that they pull to spread that message. Whether it's pseudo-porn stars (or actual porn stars) proclaiming that they'd rather go naked, or just your average, off-of-the-street hot girl sitting in a cage or taking a shower on a public street, the people at PETA have figured out that sex sells, but people get so flustered by the possible sighting of breasts that they forget about making sure that their steaks came from pampered cows. Or that they shouldn't be eating steak in the first place.

Well, leave it to PETA to continue their fixation with secondary sex characteristics in human females with their latest request, this time aimed at Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Instead of using cow milk, the good folks at PETA have requested that B&J start using human breast milk instead. After all, according to PETA, a wealth of illnesses have been linked to cow milk. The people at B&J seem to think that a mother's breast milk is best used for her child.

Now, while we definitely have to applaud PETA for once again showcasing their incredible outside of the box (but inside of the bra) thinking, we really have to wonder if they put any research into this. While we aren't mothers ourselves, we've talked to more than a few, and they all pretty much have the same thoughts with regards to producing breast milk, especially when they're doing it away from the actual baby. And that thought tends to be, "Ouch". Given that humans don't generally produce milk randomly and regularly throughout their adult lives, this could lead to a severe ice cream shortage, which would only serve to anger people who just want a spoonful of Cherry Garcia.

By the same token, think of the potential new flavors that Ben & Jerry's could introduce. Oprah Ripple. DeGeneres Nut Crunch. Chocolate Chip Madonna Dough. And the ever popular One Spoon in Paris.

We're losing our lunch just thinking about it.

Let's change together!

That cry seems to be one espoused recently by the GOP, at least with regards to the upcoming debates. Sure, every time that a debate happens, there's discussion about what exactly the ground rules are going to be, but, largely, the rules are left in place from previous debates. That won't be the case with the Palin-Biden debate upcoming. It seems that the McCain campaign is a bit concerned that longer Q&A sessions will leave Palin exposed and on the defensive, so the rules are being changed.

Well, you know, this just seems fair. After all, Biden does have a lot more experience in politics than Palin. He's more well-known, and his positions have been fairly easy to locate for years, whereas Palin is still recreating herself from being the small-town "pitbull with lipstick" that she was even as governor of Alaska. So it just seems right to give a little consideration to her. Especially since we've seen plenty of news conferences and interviews with the candidate that allows her to explain her qualifications and views.

Wait. She's in a blackout that's almost as bad as the one Texas is currently dealing with from the hurricane. Sure, she's had her interviews with various news organizations, but either the reporters have been lobbing softball questions, they've been in the GOP pocket (we're looking at you, Hannity), or her confusion and lack of information about certain key topics has been glossed over. When it comes to a straight-up news conference, well, you can throw that right out the window. Admittedly, she's had one more recently than her running mate, but still. Going this long without allowing the media to find your flaws is, in many ways, an admission that the flaws are worse than you want to accept.

This is a time where we, as the American voter, should step up and make our voices heard. Is the Obama/Biden ticket the best possible choice? We have no idea, honestly. After all, you can't possibly make an informed decision on these things when one side of the equation refuses to actually play any sort of a hand and let people know their thoughts. Are there bigger issues out there for people to worry about? Yes, very much so. Still, we should be able to demand that the people trying to run for public office allow themselves to be displayed for the public eye. And we should be able to demand substance from that exposure. It's great that we can get pictures of the candidates shaking hands with world leaders. Now it's time to know what went on behind closed doors.

After all, if we can find out everything about a random celebrity, can't we get that same information about a politician?

A simple no

Everyone who's ever thought about asking another person to marry them has been saddled with anxiety over exactly how they want to do the asking, and what the answer might be. Some people mitigate this by creating a cozy, romantic, out-of-the-way location where the askee might be more open to such a suggestion. Others prefer to propose in a large group, hoping that more people around will help assure the answer they hope for. Still others will simply lean over on the couch one night, say, "Hey, do you want to marry me or something?" while proffering a small box.

Actually, maybe that last option we looked at is the reason why a Florida woman ended up arrested after a marriage proposal resulted in a fight. But not just any fight. After all, when knives are thrown, the fight has escalated to a higher level. Maybe it all started because the askee wasn't happy with the method.

Still, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong that would lead to such a fight. Sure, we've all heard stories about wedding parties spending the night in prison for getting a little out of hand. Heck, we've all probably been to a wedding here and there where we're surprised that the police haven't been called. But a proposal? We think that's the first time we've heard of this. Of course, it's possible that someone's sibling was mentioned, or an indiscretion from the past, but even the worst rejection is not something that generally leads to cutlery being tossed.

If only Dane Cook could be here to mock the events, too. Except he'd do it a lot louder, and keep repeating the same jokes (and the word "sangwich") until people laughed.

Oh yeah. And he's been evicted. Oh, poo...

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 15, 2008

Friday. Another day, another dollar. But hey, it's the end of the week, so we get to roll with our awards posting. So let's get started!

In Soviet Russia, Coupon Cheapens You Award
According to a recent study, you should be careful where you use your coupons. It just might make all of the people near you feel cheap. Instead of frugality, and a sense of trying to make money stretch further, coupons apparently convey an overall attitude of "I'm too good to pay full price for this." It should be noted that this study was conducted in Canada, and they discovered that the better looking the coupon user, the less likely that the stigma will spread. As a direct correlation, every time Amy Winehouse used a coupon, the entire block felt cheaper.

A Buggy Trial Award
Turns out, when you and your fellow deputies raid an Amish community, they may retaliate in very modern ways, with a lawsuit for $35 million. The lawyer for the Amish claimed to be "confused by your modern conveniences." We just wonder if that $35 million is in Amish dollars...

Support Single Moms Award
Some lawyers know all about modern conveniences. Some know so much about them that they try to refresh old customs, such as haggling, or exchanging work for work. Just a tip, though. Don't exchange work with strippers. You know, unless they're putting themselves through law school, in which case you're just giving them sound mentoring advice.

Worst Punishment Ever Award
Well, the punishment itself probably isn't so bad. Sure, the guy has to stay in his house, but, well, he owns a comic book shop. Stereotypically speaking, he's only lost one place to go to. A more fitting punishment might have been to force him to watch the first three Star Wars movies on endless repeat, while trying to analyze their good moment(s).

Anything Cops Can Do Prayer Can Do Better? Award
Have you ever thought that things in your community were just getting too dangerous? Were you concerned about the size of your police force as is? Did you want to take matters into your own (clasped) hands? The community of Burlington, IA did, as they began 40 days of prayer to help curb crime. Jesus was planning a response, but was mugged on the way.

All My Rowdy Candidates Award
It's official. Barack Obama wins! And just what does he win, apart from a year's supply of Turtle Wax? He wins the coveted "Candidate I'd Most Like to Watch Football With" trophy. Meanwhile, John McCain remembers when they didn't use all of those sissy "pads".

Check Mate Award
What do you do when you become a chess Grandmaster at the age of 14? If you're like one particular Russian brunette, you go on to become a model, and use your bikini shoots to promote the game. We can't wait until curling tries the same tactic.

PaCain Award
How do you know it's a bad week for John McCain, aside from the football thing? His running mate has started referring to their campaign as hers. Naturally, McCain responded by calling Tina Fey, thanking her for accepting his request to be the GOP VP nominee.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll see you next Monday. Until then, stay safe out there.

Politicking

Wow. We've surpassed 600 posts. And, well, a fair number of those posts have been at least somewhat political in nature. Of course, we're currently dealing with some very interesting political times, as we're in the final months of GDub, and we don't have a clue yet who's going to take his place.

What we do know, however, is that we won't be meeting with the President of Spain no matter what John McCain says. Sure, he's open to the idea, but meeting with the President of Spain is like meeting with the Emperor of St. Paul. No such person exists. Of course, this is all coming shortly after the Mack Granddaddy of the campaign decided that he wouldn't meet with the Spanish Prime Minister, using words that almost sounded like he was discounting any sort of partnership with the country. Good to know that we don't want to build bridges in the international community, because, otherwise, McCain's comments could have been seen as being a bit foolish and misguided.

And why would we want to create ties to other countries? Our current administration seems to be fairly set on recreating a Cold War with Russia. After all, why else would Condi Rice be going around, proclaiming Russia as being on the brink of "self-imposed isolation and international irrelevance" for their actions against Georgia. And hey, even Mack Granddaddy had something to say about that, pointing out that countries shouldn't invade each other in the 21st century. You know, unless their flag has a certain number of stars on it, preferably between 49 and 51.

To be fair, we would be attacking Obama on these topics, too, but he actually seems to want to get some sort of global partnership going. Yeah, like that's going to work. Oh well, back to reading emails.

What? It's not like we're reading hers to find out what she's being doing without a secure connection.

A nickel for every time

Well well well. It looks as though a truck in Florida decided to try its own style of economic rejuvenation. And it did so in a tragic way, as the accident between two semi trucks resulted in one death.

Oh, and almost $200,000 worth of nickels scattered across the highway.

You know, if we had a nickel for every time that we read a story like that, we'd have, um, one nickel.

On the flip side, if we had a nickel for every time that the candidates flipped their positions on the economy, negative ads, foreign policy, or religion, we'd need another couple of semis full of nickels to reach the quantity we'd have earned.

Florida state troopers reported quickly to the area, partially to help the victims of the crash, and partially to make sure that people didn't start scooping nickels out of the grass, off of the freeway, or anywhere else they may have landed. It should be noted that representatives from AIG, Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, and Local Crackheads 114 all were dispatched to the area, hoping to bolster their economic futures somewhat.

The first three groups retreated to wait for government bailouts, something that the candidates think is a horrible idea until it becomes a really good idea.

And we thought we were having a long day.