The best policy?

It's nice to see that some of the lessons from childhood are still being remembered by people. Sure, lessons like how to tie your shoes get used almost every day by the vast majority of the public, but we're talking about things that are a little more moral in nature. Things like sharing, and treating others with respect. The important stuff, like being honest.

Although there are definitely times where being honest isn't really going to help your case out too much. Like when you're being asked why you robbed a bank.

Admittedly, this may not be a case of complete honesty. Self-deprecation may actually play a bigger part in the whole thing. After all, the man did refer to himself as "an idiot" when asked about why he had decided to try and attempt the robbery. Mind you, plenty of people would have to agree with him, but without a solid universal definition for "idiot", the man may not be truly being quite as honest as it would seem. Still, it's hard to argue with the man, especially given his admission about how he spent the money that he stole.

Who knows? This could lead people all over the world to follow suit. Politicians may come forward and declare themselves liars. Dentists could admit to a small level of sadism. And reality TV could finally own up to it's scripted nature.

Just as long as the people who are famous for being famous don't catch wind of this. We'd hate to see their egos deflate simply by becoming self-aware.

Locations gone awry

We've discussed before just how important location can be. Of course, given the types of stories that we tend to find, you can guess that today is going to be yet another example of location being a key component.

Take, for example, the story of a man holding a yard sale. It's a ritual of the summer. But it isn't every day that someone decides to hold a yard sale just a few doors down from the house they robbed. Even worse, the man was selling some of the stolen items.

We'd like to imagine that the exchange was like something out of a sitcom, with the original owner seeing something of theirs, asking how much it is, the seller giving it away for free, possibly while saying something clever, and then a Benny Hill-esque chase. Of course, it was probably more like an episode of "Cops", complete with swearing and a random person flashing the camera. We just didn't think that anyone would decide to set up their resale shop just down the street from their robbery victim.

We didn't think that people would be willing to purchase a vehicle from a strip mall dealership, either. Well, maybe it wasn't really a dealership. Maybe it was more of a guy in a parking lot selling cars that he didn't even rightly own. Although, for all we know, he did own the car that he sold. He may just have gotten the license plates illegally.

And that's why location is so important. If both of these alleged criminals had chosen more wisely, they might have been in the clear longer.

Language barrier

Like it or not, America is becoming a country where speaking Spanish is almost as important as speaking English. While we haven't reached the type of blend that Quebec, Canada has with regards to French, there are definitely many places where a good working understanding of the Spanish language can help smooth things over.

We just didn't expect to see that importance underscored for criminals, as well.

A would-be robber in Florida attempted to rob a church while the faithful were gathered for service. The problem? He attempted to rob them in English, and they were a Spanish-speaking congregation. While there were definitely parishioners who understood him, we'd certainly like to think that one of the things that helped prevent him from actually stealing anything was the lack of understanding. After all, the confusion on the faces of some may have been enough to spur on those that subdued him.

Of course, the first thing that we have to look at to prove that maybe this crook didn't have the best plan is that he was trying to rob a church during service. Common knowledge alone would expect that he would be looking for fewer witnesses to be present, not as many as possible. The language barrier was just another roadblock in the overall execution.

Besides, it's probably not a great idea to rob any place that might have more than one Jesus.

You don't say

Workers digging up land find human remains. Seems like something fairly newsworthy, right? Especially if the number of bodies is in the hundreds.

Yeah, except when the bodies are found while relocating a graveyard that contained mass grave plots, potentially for yellow fever victims.

Sorry, but when you're excavating a graveyard, you don't get to make a big deal out of finding human remains. In fact, it would be newsworthy if you DIDN'T find any bodies. The simple fact that bodies were found pretty much means that the land was used for the exact purpose designated. That would be like people complaining about a pet store smelling like animals.

Now, if the new construction ends up having strange happenings, including attacking trees and people vanishing into the television, then we've got a story.

De-religious

For a number of people, the faith and beliefs instilled in them as children may shift over time, causing them to change from one religion to another. Sometimes, it's a minor shift, moving ever so slightly to very similar religions, such as becoming Catholic after having been raised Lutheran. Sometimes, it's a more extreme move, like a Buddhist becoming Jewish. And sometimes, the decision is made to eschew religion altogether, and become atheist.

However, if you're eschewing religion, maybe you should avoid the trappings of ritual tied to religion as well. That means no "de-baptizing". And definitely no "de-sacrament".

Look, we understand. We're not the most religious people ourselves. We can definitely see where the lack of ritual can be a comforting thing for people who felt smothered by an excess within their various systems of faith. And while plenty of other things done over the course of a life can involve some sort of negation, we don't think that the rituals performed by any religion qualify. Not because of any sort of power, or because of fear of reprisal from either side.

Simply put, we really feel that, by enacting a ritual meant to negate, or worse, mock, an existing ritual of a church, you aren't really stepping free of the ties that you were looking to escape. If you claim atheism, shouldn't you be avoiding the trappings of the religions that you are standing outside of? Isn't a "de-baptism" just as full of ritual and pomp as a baptism, and isn't part of atheism contingent on rejecting the ritual and pomp of religion?

What's next? The "Secular Ghostbuster"?

Let's define "threat"

There are certain things that are almost universally considered threats. Live grenades, verbal assaults, and any rumor involving Jim Belushi and a camera should all definitely fall into that category. Of course, many people would also place a person with an axe on that list.

Especially if they're wielding it inside of a liquor store.

Whether or not the axe-wielder was a threat or not is a point of contention between his family and the local police, after an Oakland liquor store incident. The police were called to the scene by reports of belligerence, and the man brandished the weapon. To make matters worse, he refused to put the axe down when told to, instead choosing to advance towards the police. The family, on the other hand, simply say that he carried an axe as a tool for his work as a handyman, and that he never would have done exactly what surveillance cameras seem to show him doing.

Listen, if you're walking around with an axe outside of an area where axes would normally be used, you should be considered a threat. For example, picking one up from a store? Not a threat. Wandering around the fairgrounds with one? Threat. At a lumberjack competition as a competitor? Not a threat. As an audience member? Threat.

Just don't ask about taking one camping. At that point, it's anybody's guess.

Drink to your health

There's an old saying about what one should do when one visits Rome. Well, it looks like Russian sporting fans are being encouraged to act more like citizens of the United Kingdom when they head to Wales for a World Cup qualifying match.

How so, you may ask? They're being encouraged to drink whiskey, to help prevent the spread of H1N1 flu.

To be fair, the Russian Health Ministry is actually not encouraging citizens to make the trip, because of fears about how the virus is spreading. But that's not going to stop hardy Russians who are itching (and, possibly, coughing) for the upcoming match against the Welsh team. After all, the Russians are just behind Germany when it comes to qualifying points, and that makes the match more important than people's health.

We would be appalled by this, but we see just as flagrant examples of fandom taking over for common sense in our own country. After all, how often can you see fans in Green Bay or New York with their shirts of, during January? Sometimes those images are enough to make us want to reach for whiskey ourselves, either to drink to erase the memories, or to splash into our eyes to prevent having to see them again.

So we say drink up, Russian fans. And let us know if whiskey proves to be effective at stopping the spread of the disease. After all, it could make St. Patrick's Day a day where we could eradicate swine flu once and for all.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 27, 2009

Welcome to Friday, everyone. We're sitting back and relaxing, taking in the rays. We'd be having a beer or two, but we didn't arrest anyone of a different race this week, so we just aren't getting invited anywhere. So let's get these awards going.

Demand and Demand Award
This may come as a shock, but people like free things and giveaways. The government is learning that lesson yet again with regards to their "Cash for Clunkers" program. In fact, so many people have decided to get a few thousand for their $500 vehicle that the program is running out of money, and searching for additional funding. Meanwhile, officials are also shocked that people like using coupons, and take chances in lotteries.

Great Scott Award
It certainly isn't Mr. Fusion. The driver in Auckland claimed that his vehicle was a time machine, and that it would turn invisible at 100 km/h. Unfortunately for the man, he was both responsible for a fatal accident, and for making out with his own mother.

Political Recklessness Award
A lawmaker in Connecticut was recently ticketed. What for, you may ask? He was ticketed for "reckless jogging" after he ran into the side of a truck. It's a shame, really. If only there were some committee that he could be part of that might help govern laws for vehicles and pedestrians while moving.

Spray Attention Award
People don't always think clearly at the gas station. Fumes combined with people grumpy over gas prices or other annoyances can certainly lead people to not think clearly. But we're fairly certain that there's still no excuse for spraying a fellow customer with gas because he asked you to move your car. Especially not at anything approaching $3/gallon.

Side Profit Award
With newspapers struggling to stay afloat, it should be no surprise that many reporters are looking to supplement their incomes. A veteran sports reporter did just that, turning to Craigslist. But he wasn't looking for freelancing gigs; he was engaging in prostitution. We're not sure, but we think that would go under the "ETC" section of the site.

A Quick Bang Award
What would you do if a woman you just met offered to take you into an alley and have sex for money? Believe that you'd found the jackpot, or walk away carefully, looking for squad cars? Well, it might not be a sting, but leaving still could be better, or you might get shot. We're fairly certain that the victims thought they'd be on the other end of any shooting.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week, same place as always, with new stories to inform and educate. Or whatever it is that we're doing. Stay safe out there.

No more "Free Parking"

Board games. People get worked up over them, sometimes to the point where friendships can actually be fractured for a few days due to heated competition. Then, of course, there's the almost ever-present accusations of cheating, or even beginner's luck. Still, all that's usually hurt is feelings, and people get over it in a couple of days.

Someone should have reminded a Michigan man of that before he sat down to play Monopoly. It might have kept him from getting arrested.

The gist of the story? The man really wanted Park Place and Boardwalk. We can only assume that the only other properties he owned were the railroads, and potentially Baltic Avenue, and was therefore looking to make a big swoop. The problem? One of the other players already owned both, and didn't want to give them up. Probably something about the over-arching goal of the game being to bankrupt the other players. So, when the man was denied his desires, he hit his friend in the head.

We're sure that he's very sorry about the whole thing, but he's definitely in trouble. Maybe if he had more of a clue, he wouldn't have placed himself in such risk.

Something's backwards

We applaud schools that apply filtering software to school computers. After all, students are prone to search for things that could have double meaning, and anything that could keep them from seeing inappropriate websites is a good move.

Of course, we didn't realize that educational sites were inappropriate, while porn was perfectly acceptable. Thanks for that lesson, Australian schools!

Sure, there's a risk involved when students are doing reports on birds. After all, there's the swallow, the tit, and the cock, and a search for any of those words could certainly lead to finding something less than avian. But it just doesn't seem write that a documentary site would be blocked, while graphic sex content was let through. Unless, of course, the documentary site was run by people like Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson.

On the plus side, the Australian students will definitely have an upper hand when it comes time for discussions on sex education.

Check your spelling

This may not come as much of a shock to most people, but it seems like there's a good reason to know how to spell, especially when it comes to location names. Otherwise, you might end up taking a planned vacation to an unplanned location.

At least, that's what is likely to happen if you simply input a misspelled name into your GPS, and don't check on it. It did to a couple of Swedes travelling in Italy.

The problem? They were trying to visit the island of Capri, but ended up in Carpi instead. Sure, we could expect that most people would have noticed that the location they were trying to get to was, oh, an island, and that they'd ended up at a landlocked location, but that obviously isn't always the case. Besides, maybe the poor tourists thought that a land bridge had been created by global warming, or just that every map showing Capri as an island were wrong.

Honestly, though, we aren't horribly surprised. It seems like not all that long ago that people were driving off of bridges because their GPS devices told them to make a sudden turn. Which all could be part of some grand scheme by the makers of these tools, or by the tools themselves.

After all, how do we know that they aren't getting their information all from SkyNet, and therefore slowly trying to eradicate the human race?

Beauty secrets

Go back through the generations. Look at old pictures, and paintings, specifically for women. Do you see beautiful examples? Of course you do. Do you see examples that are far more beautiful than what we've got around us today? According to research, probably not.

That's because it seems that women are getting more beautiful with every passing generation.

At least, that's what scientists are saying. Of course, while women are getting better looking, men are largely staying just as attractive as their ancestors, going back centuries. The reason behind that seems to be that the more attractive the woman, the more likely that she will have children, while men get to procreate based off of success, not looks. This may seem like a fairly obvious conclusion, but it's still worth pointing out. In fact, according to the recent research, attractive women have 16% more children than unattractive women.

Also, physical looks are pretty clearly something based on through heredity. Well, when you take two people that are considered good looking, they're going to pass those traits on. And, for one reason or another, the odds are better for them to have daughters than sons.

Suddenly, the marriages of Billy Joel make so much more sense.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 20, 2009

Welcome to another Friday full of news stories, under the guise of our weekly awards. It's been an interesting week, at least as it pertains to health care, and we're just trying to keep up. So let's get moving, shall we?

Guilty Award
Good news, everyone! Looks like anyone critical of federal law may have a reason to be. It seems that many federal laws are so vaguely worded that just about anyone could be a federal criminal, regardless of any wrong-doing. Especially troubling, the prosecutors don't even have to find proof of an intent for wrong doing before charging people. First, they came for the battery users.

A Big Sausage Award
When you start running ads about places to stick a big sausage, you might run afoul of the censors, even if you really are talking about a sausage. A British advertiser recently learned that lesson, and has been told to stop running their ads when children might listen, but also said that the ads were not sexually explicit. We expect to see a similar complaint soon about melons.

Healthy Slam Award
In a shocking turn of events, a man has recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Denny's, due to unsafe salt levels in their food. Listen, folks, if you fooled yourself for a moment into thinking that Denny's was little more than an upscale greasy spoon, then you probably also consider Burger King to be a fine dining experience. And when you combine bacon, ham, cheese, sausage, hash browns, and pancakes into one meal, you probably should expect to keep an EKG machine close by.

Isn't It Ironic Award
Earlier this week, there was a story about a man withdrawing almost $200,000 from his bank, because they refused to give him a mortgage for a much lower amount. The artist took the money, in $20 bills, to his credit union, and deposited there. Guess where the credit union banks? No word on whether Canadian singer-songwriters will be analyzing this, and comparing it to a large number of spoons when you could really use a knife.

A Little Nip, a Little Tuck Award
Okay, so it's not plastic surgery, but it's still surgery. Recently, a new record was set for the oldest transgender patient, as a 77-year-old completed the switch. Given that the patient used to be a green beret, she joins the elite team of grandmothers who could totally kick our asses if we said anything negative.

Take Two, They're Small Award
For decades, China has had a ruling about each family only having one child, in an attempt to curb population growth. Well, it may have worked too well, as now they are amending things, and actively encouraging couples to have a second child, largely to help take care of the huge numbers of pensioners in the country. If this doesn't help turn the tide, plans may begin on a new effort, wherein each citizen can only have one grandparent.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week, with all new stories. Stay safe out there.

I was, um... what was I saying?

This may come as a shock to just about no one, but people are forgetful. Okay, so we all knew that, but we never really had a grasp on an average number of forgotten items in a day. Well, we can thank the National Lottery for answering that question for us.

Specifically, this was a bit of research conducted by the National Lottery in the United Kingdom, so the numbers may not hold true outside of England, but apparently at least the British forget about three things per day. And men are more likely to forget things than women, with an average of 3.5 things forgotten to 2.5.

Of course, the first culprit for people's memory lapses is ever-busier schedules, with more gadgets and more small tasks needing to get done every day. With all of those little jobs to do, it seems perfectly logical that something would be forgotten, especially if it is something that isn't part of the daily routine. There's also a chance that, by simply having so many gadgets to help us keep track of important information, we're actually curtailing our ability to remember things as much as we used to. Just look at the phenomenon with regards to phone numbers and cell phones.

Not to be cynical, though, but we noticed a little item listed in the "top 25 most forgotten" list that might point to why this was of such importance to the National Lottery. Look at the list, and specifically at number 22, where apparently people forget to buy their lottery tickets. Well, no wonder this research was done.

Just imagine what else we could study, if only it prevented people from playing the lottery.

Missing link a blade?

Some new evidence points to something that we may not have even realized was possible. No, not proof that vice presidents aren't fueled by kittens and tears. This is actually even more impressive, as scientists may have discovered evidence that links modern humans with Neanderthals.

According to the evidence, the two distinct species may have lived at the same time, and in the same areas for at least part of their existences. It would certainly explain one killing the other.

The evidence to support this theory is a Neanderthal skeleton being discovered with what appears to be spear wounds in his ribs. Specifically, they believe that the wounds came from a thrown projectile. Given that many researchers believe that such tools were outside of the capabilities of the Neanderthals, it certainly points to some cross-species interactions.

If the research proves that the two species did in fact co-exist, it may actually help scientists determine how exactly Neanderthals became extinct, while humans thrived. It may also help them come to conclusions that could point to a missing link, which they believe to exist.

See, this is why primitive man didn't have nice things.

Running late

Today, we just couldn't pick. Seems to happen every once in awhile, and, when it does, we just hope for some sort of thematic connection between the stories, so that we can link them together somehow. Today, there's a connection, although it is admittedly very tenuous. It's all about time.

First up, we see a cop who just can't wait for his Egg McMuffin. So, in an attempt to speed up the process, he rationally explains that he needs to get going, right? Or, you know, he pulls his gun. It's definitely one of those two things.

Listen, we know that sometimes, you just need the flaky muffin filled with pseudo egg and sausage, along with a slice of processed cheese, but pulling a gun is just no way to go about it. Besides, it's not like such actions will generally make the employees move faster, or bend time. Come on, people. The microwave only cooks so fast.

Oh, um, the, uh, grill only cooks so fast.

Today's second story allows us to see an interesting defense used in a case where a trolley driver was fired after getting into an accident. Apparently, the accident may have been caused by the driver being busy texting on his cell phone, instead of paying attention to his path. But the man's defense attorney feels that the man may be getting charged with the wrong offense.

After all, the charges against him are based on laws that are, like, over 100 years old.

Right. Because there's an expiration date on laws. Sure, some may get stricken from the books when they no longer make sense, but a law about negligence while in control of a train should probably remain until there is nothing resembling a train in existence. Thankfully, the prosecution had a response at their fingertips, pointing out how long laws against murder have been on the books.

Sometimes, the classics are just good to keep around.

Keep 'em at 10 and 2

Speeding takes concentration. If you are going to be going much faster than the rest of traffic, or even just what is considered safe for that particular stretch of road, you'd better have your attention fixed on the road, so you can make your split-second reactions that much more accurately. Which is why we're both impressed and disturbed by a man allegedly speeding recently in Canada.

He was arrested after another driver called the complaint in. Turns out that he was doing more than going faster than everyone else. He was doing it while also watching porn.

That's some impressive, and foolish, multi-tasking right there. The only way we can really picture something like this making sense would be through some sort of heads-up display, if you'll pardon the pun, but even that is filled with potential problems. Never mind the trouble that could possibly be created when a car you're considering passing also happens to be jiggling and moaning at the same time.

We understand the appeal of car sex. We even understand the more dangerous sex play behind the wheel. But we just can't get behind the concept of watching porn while driving.

After all, when going at high speeds, it's really hard to turn one-handed.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 13, 2009

Welcome to Friday. It's been a busy week, and it doesn't look to be tapering off anytime soon. Which is a shame, because we could really use a nap. Instead, let's jump to the awards.

School Excuses Award
Many students will find other things to do instead of their homework. The only real problem with that, aside from not learning the material, is the need to come up with a good excuse. Somehow, we're fairly certain that "my robbery ate my homework" just isn't going to fly for most schools. And they say that kids don't apply themselves anymore.

Don't Need No Water Award
Just let it burn. Good advice when it comes to charcoal. Bad advice when it comes to a BMW. Sure, hate the car, but don't light it on fire. You know, unless it's a zombie car. But we all know that those are strictly Yugos.

What Could Go Wrong? Award
Let's say that you're trying to encourage students to use their imaginations, and expand their writing skills. Should you show them examples of creative writing, or possibly television shows that are age-appropriate and help drive the point home? Or should you stage an alien landing, complete with the abduction of a teacher? At least they could have picked a teacher nobody liked.

Start Them Young Award
What better way to teach gun safety than to start out the child with a firearm in their stroller? Sure, other people may think it's dangerous, but it's not like you're leaving the safety off or anything. No word on why Darwinists are waiting on the sidelines.

Environmentally Aware Award
Have you been planning on doing your part to help the environment by switching to a hybrid automobile? Are you also looking to get the insurance kickback that was offered on many of these vehicles? Hurry, because insurers are finding out that hybrid drivers are more likely to get tickets and that their accidents cost more. It really isn't easy being green.

Investigative Journalism Award
How cool is this? A reporter working on a story about three missing boys was out preparing for a location shoot when she found them sitting on the sidewalk nearby. This should keep the reporter off of the puppy and balloon beat for at least another month.

They're Ba-ack Award
Quick, think of something that may have helped cause the economic downfall, but still might be returning to prominence. No, not the Bush family. We're talking about adjustable-rate mortgages. After all, isn't it time to end the national nightmare of people being forced to live within their means?

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, fully rested and full of punch. Stay safe out there.

Important stuff

While the story we're looking at today may not be on the same level as the (now dismissed) lawsuit brought by Donald Trump against the author who dared to call him a mere millionaire, we still think it just needs to get out there. After all, in these troubling times, we all need to be able to support people who will protest over their rights, and for the things that they deserve.

Which is why it's so refreshing to see the cast of "Big Brother" participate in a roof-top protest. And if they had been provided with enough booze to begin with, this never would have happened.

Sadly, you read that correctly. The housemates decided that they just didn't have enough alcohol, so they were going to protest over it. Mind you, the only reason that this even hit anyone's radar is because the show already caters to grabbing pampered egocentric individuals and putting them on the airwaves. Of course they're going to complain when they don't have enough alcohol to get trashed every night. After all, isn't that why they're going on reality television? Well, that and trying to see if they can sneak some live sex acts past the censors.

Honestly, this was bound to happen eventually. Reality television has been catering to lower and lower denominators of "contestants" almost since the very beginning, so to see a group so obsessed with destroying their liver that they'd protest isn't much of a shock. The truly shocking thing would have been if they actually were complaining about something that has some bearing on the rest of the world, even if it's as minor as the price of stamps.

Oh, and it should be noted that the protest ended when producers for the show threatened to kick off any contestant that didn't leave the roof. Guess everyone has their price.

Happy Non-Father's Day

It's a story as old as time. A man is put in jail after not fully paying child support fees. This all comes after the man has unfortunately lost his job, and his home. But, in the case of at least one Georgia man, there's a catch.

The man isn't actually the father, and the courts knew it. In fact, they knew it for at least nine years, and continued to charge the man anyways.

More to the point, it's not like the man wasn't actually paying into the state, even after learning that the child wasn't his. He was even paying out of his unemployment benefits after losing his job, which almost certainly helped accelerate the process of losing his house.

Listen, we understand that there are plenty of people out there who don't want to fulfill their obligations. They thought that there was no possible way that they could get saddled with a child, and they don't want to worry about the financial end. So naturally there's going to be an inclination to look towards people who are actually willing to pay. But when it's determined that the child and the "father" aren't actually related, that should be the end of it. Now we're not saying that anyone should be reimbursed if the genetics of the child aren't determined until years have passed, but, once there is a definitive ruling, stop pursuing it. The Georgia man in today's story has even been jailed, and is awaiting the outcome of a special hearing to see if he can go back to his life.

If someone WANTS to assume financial responsibility, that's one thing. But to outright force someone, and to continue when you learn that the original reasons were false? That's something else entirely.