What do we say about lawns?

Think about yard care for a moment. While there may be people who certainly don't mind taking care of their own lawns, most people would also be quite happy to have someone else handle the work. Unless, of course, you've had a personal issue with the person who's decided to help before.

Oh yeah, and they show up on a riding lawn mower. Drunk.

That's right, folks. You know that it's a party in Maine when someone breaks out the mower and decides to cut their neighbors grass. And yes, the green-thumbed drinker was arrested for being a habitual offender, and for operating a vehicle with three prior arrests. We don't know if those previous arrests also came for driving a lawn mower while drunk, but we'd like to think so.

What would possess someone to mow someone else's yard while drunk? Did he really want crooked lines cut into the grass? Was he alternately raising and lowering the blade at random intervals? Did he just really want to smell freshly cut grass to go along with his buzz?

We may never know the answers to these questions, but we do think that there's at least a chance the man was trying to extend an olive branch. Or at least he would have been, if he hadn't cut it down.

Retro weaponry

There's an old saying that you shouldn't bring a knife to a gun fight. That tends to hold true with most melee weapons, especially when matched up against firearms. After all, when someone has range, and the ability to inflict harm at close range (something not really provided by bows and their kin), it's probably best to either avoid the conflict, or bring your own gun.

To keep that upper hand, though, you should probably make sure that your gun isn't fake.

An would-be robber in Alabama learned that the hard way, when they went into a gas station and pulled their gun. The problem for them? The store clerk noticed an orange tip on the barrel, often associated with toy guns, and proceeded to pull a real weapon out from behind the counter. Or, at least, they pulled out a well-known zombie killer by drawing a cricket bat.

Let that be a lesson to everyone. Sure, plenty of people may not understand cricket (or croquette, which we get reminded of every once in awhile), but the bats and mallets that get used in those games can prove to be tremendously when your back's against the wall.

Or when you've got red on you.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 6, 2009

Welcome to another round of the awards. Let's just dive in right away.

No Superman Award
Quick, everyone. Blow things out of proportion. The President basically was caught doing what many other men would do in a similar situation. After all, everyone checks to make sure the quarter they see on the floor isn't glued there.

Look at Me!! Award
Wasn't it nice to have a little time away from dealing with stories about the Octomom? Well, get ready, because apparently she wasn't done taking up more than her fair share of fame. According to her, her home is haunted. But she also claims that ghosts don't exist. So what's haunting the home? It must be the spirit of long-dead self-respect.

Drink Up Award
When you get your bottled water, you expect it to be fairly safe, with restrictions as to what is allowed to get through the filters, right? Well, what if tap water was actually more restricted? This doesn't necessarily mean that the tap water is cleaner, but it still holds true that the tap water is cheaper, and less likely to impress yuppies.

Pot? Meet Kettle Award
How seriously should you take the comments of someone who's only been given a pulpit because they happened to impregnate an underage girl? What about if that girl was the daughter of a potential vice president? Well, apparently Levi Johnston is claiming that the reason Sarah Palin has stepped down from the governorship of Alaska is to cash in on her fame. Meanwhile, he's writing a book of his own. We expect that, in a few months, Johnston may be claiming that his house is haunted by a ghost child...

Where's My Stapler? Award
What do you do when you find out that you might be getting fired? Many people would buckle down and work harder. Others would not give their boss the satisfaction, and quit instead. An Edinburgh man decided to follow the Milton Waddams school of job security, as he burned the building down. Looks like he fixed the glitch.

And that does it for this week's awards. We'll be back next week. Stay safe out there.

A good question

There are some questions that are really expertly placed. In fact, a question that might be bad in other circumstances can become a great question if just asked at the right time. One such question would have to be, "What's wrong with you?". Plenty of times this question just doesn't carry a lot of weight.

Not true, when the sentence preceding it is "I'm 80 years old." Oh, and it's being directed at an attempted rapist.

In some ways, we're reminded of an old George Carlin bit, and, in other ways, we're just reminded that some people are incredibly depraved. Not that we can understand rape in any shape or form, but selecting someone almost twice your age? That generally doesn't work out well for the culprit even when they're merely 14 or 15. It certainly isn't going to go well when they're 40+.

We give major kudos to the elderly victim in this case. Not only did she call into question just how many different things were wrong with the culprit, but her declaration may have actually saved her from being raped. She was assaulted, yes, but the man was unsuccessful when he tried to initiate intercourse.

Must be something about mothballs and denture adhesive.

ACLU argues for a villain

You'd be hard-pressed to find many people who would either defend or apologize for the Westboro Baptist Church. After all, it's hard to develop much in the way of sympathy and public goodwill when you're agenda includes screaming about how "deserving" a person's death is. They seem to take the concept of "eye-for-an-eye" to an extreme, altering it to "eye-for-the-fact-that-the-government-doesn't-outlaw-homosexuality" or another view and lifestyle that they disapprove of. In fact, most of the time that people hear about them, it's because they've descended on a funeral, and want to shout their rhetoric. It's gotten so bad that some cities and counties are actively creating bans on any sort of protest at a funeral.

It's just that kind of reaction that's sure to get the ACLU involved. And involved they are, fighting for the rights of the WBC.

Truth be told, the ACLU isn't simply fighting for the WBC. They're fighting for the concept of funeral protests entirely. There are times where the ACLU seems to step outside of its bounds, and loses sight of what it originally was created to do. However, no matter your personal feelings on the words that come out at these protests, the ACLU is correct to fight for their existence. After all, banning them hinders both free speech, and the right to peaceably assemble. Hateful speech may not be pleasant to hear, but these groups are not starting riots and brawls. Besides, the creation of one group to loudly proclaim one side often leads to another group standing opposite them. So long as the groups can agree to disagree, and do so without violence, then the bans start stepping on rights granted to this country over 200 years ago.

And, if we continue to allow the opposing groups their speech, we might do something even more shocking than banning them. We might open a dialogue and allow them to see the other side.

Officer Crow

What would be a logical thing for people celebrating a scarecrow festival to put on display, especially if they also wanted to encourage safe driving? If you said a scarecrow in a policeman's uniform, you just might be in line with a British village. If you said that the scarecrow should also have a fake radar gun, then you're definitely out of line with the local police.

The police felt that the false gun gave passing motorists the "wrong impression", and wanted it removed. In fact, it was simply that piece that was the problem, as they'd already granted permission for the scarecrow to be displayed in a police uniform. But, well, when you're celebrating your scarecrow festival, just keep in mind to not give it any accessories.

Of course, we can't really see the problem, especially with something fairly innocuous, like a radar gun. If it encourages people to drive more carefully, then more power to them. As for potential confusion, we just don't think that many people would really believe that the 7-foot tall person with hay sticking out of their neck and around their wrists was actually a real person in disguise.

Which could be good, though. Now the police in the area can finally break out their scarecrow disguise for stakeouts.

It's not delivery

We don't get domestic abuse. Not that we want to, because we're pretty sure that it's one of those things that we're content never really having a good understanding of. Apparently, though, we were completely off-base when it comes to items that could be used in a potential situation.

After all, we never imagined using pizza as a weapon.

That's what happened in Iowa, as a couple had a bit of an argument. Over the course of things, pizza got involved, there was choking, and the police intervened. Thankfully, the victim didn't have any serious injury.

See, this is why we're such advocates of ordering delivery. Not only does this save us the whole effort of actually having to turn the oven on and getting the pizza to cook properly, but, with delivery, you've got generally around a half-hour of time that you can use to cool off, if you're truly upset about something.

Besides, there are far better uses for food than as an assault weapon. We've got some suggestions, but they really aren't appropriate for anything family-friendly.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 29, 2009

We thought about taking a second week off from the awards, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to take it that far. Last week was different, what with all the chaos going on away from our CSM offices (okay, so it's just a computer), but this week, even in light of the upcoming holiday, we're here to make sure to dispense plenty of awards for crazy news. So let's get started.

Through the Looking Glass Award
Remember when Al Franken was just a satirist working on "Saturday Night Live"? Well, now that he's (finally) been selected as Minnesota's second senator, he may find himself getting spoofed by his former employers. Of course, given recent history, any upcoming sketch regarding Franken will probably end up just as funny as the recent recount.

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9 Award
How do you celebrate your eight drunk driving conviction? If you're a Wisconsin man, you might just go for your ninth. Naturally, the man claimed that he wasn't drunk at the time, and that the parked cars and lawns simply refused to get out of his lane.

Professional Award
Of course, while the Wisconsin man may be something of a drunk-driving celebrity, he's got nothing on a man from New Jersey, who recently admitted to his 15th DWI arrest. Not because he had more offenses on his record (the WI resident also has 15 DWI convictions, if you count ones before 1989), but because the NJ resident did it ten years quicker. What happens in Newark...

Sex Ed Award
Let's say that you're a teacher, intending on giving your students a DVD full of things for them to cherish from the past year. Let's say that you also made an amateur sex recording with your significant other. Would you check to make sure that the two weren't spliced together somehow? If so, you're doing better than a California teacher, who found out about her mistake shortly after giving the DVD to 5th grade students. Well, she did want to give them something to remember.

Tragically Hip Award
Movie marketers have discovered that there's a large potential audience that they don't know quite how to reach. If you read that first sentence and guessed "hipsters", you're absolutely correct. If you read that first sentence, thought back to some of Hollywood's previous offerings, and thought "people with working brain cells", sorry, but you just missed the boat.

Closed for Business Award
What's one of the surest ways to display a closed mind? According to a recent study, be unsure of your beliefs. The study showed that the less confident you are in your beliefs, the more likely you are to shut out contrary viewpoints. This still doesn't explain for a moment news pundits, who simply shut out contrary viewpoints so that they can yell about them.

Triangular Award
Yes, it's true. Hollywood has run out of ideas. What's next, a movie around a soda?

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. Enjoy your holiday weekend, and we'll see you on Monday. Stay safe out there.

Running away with it

Boy, it seems like the 2008 election ended just yesterday. Sure, that may have something to do with the state that we live in, and the fact that they really did just finish yesterday, but we're sure that there are other factors involved. Thankfully, aside from the workings of the President, we haven't really haven't heard too much from the people vying for the top spots in the land.

That is, of course, until recently. We all remember Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, and obvious Republican ploy to snag disenfranchised women. We saw her little feud with David Letterman, and didn't really think much of it. Now, she seems to be preparing a little "friendly" feud with the President himself.

All because she can run. In fact, she's pretty certain that, in a foot race, she would win hands down.

Well, goody for you. Nice to know that, since you and your (grand)father figure lost the election back in November, you've decided to play nice. But seriously? Who cares if you can run faster than the President? It's not like elections are decided by whichever candidate has a better spring. We don't handle our foreign policy with a 100-meter dash.

Ultimately, this strikes somewhat as another grab for fame from a woman who already has enough. After all, she is a political leader, and someone that plenty of people identified with. Sure, she may have been woefully underqualified for the position the GOP wanted to win for her, but she's still qualified enough to lead an entire state.

Besides, bragging about who can run faster is a fairly silly brag. Sure, we could mention off-handedly that we can run faster than Stephen Hawking, but that doesn't make us better.

It's our ability to out-sing him that does that.

Boing

Sometimes it isn't about safety. Sometimes, other factors are brought into play. Mind you, when people are asked to remove items from their yards like swimming pools and trampolines, it really is a safety issue, simply because of the dangers possible, even with proper use.

Not this time, though. A family in Wicklow, Essex has been asked to remove their trampoline because their housing association sees a different risk. They seem to think that burglars could use it to access other houses in the neighborhood.

It should be noted that the trampoline is only three feet wide, and one foot high.

Look, unless your potential burglar has also competed in the past in the NBA's Slam Dunk Competition, a trampoline that size is going to do one thing. It's going to get them about a foot off of the ground. It certainly isn't going to propel them through the air, giving them that extra five feet of vertical leap that they might be looking for to get into that easily opened window. In fact, in most cases, if the burglar really wanted something to give them a little extra reach, they could probably find something a little taller and more secure than a child's trampoline.

But it's good to know that the housing association wants people on the lookout for Spud Webb and sports mascots.

Two all-beef patties, special arrest, lettuce, cheese

We've all been upset at fast food workers. After all, it's not an uncommon thing for one of them to mess up what seems to be a simple order. Of course, when you've worked on the other side of things, you know that sometimes, the odds are stacked against you. When there's a huge tangle of people all trying to get their meal, shouting about how they want their change given back, and the added pressure of knowing that your minimum wage job won't actually give you enough of a reason to really care, it can be tough.

Which is why we find it ridiculous that someone went out of their way to complain about a change situation at a McDonald's in Oregon. And by "out of their way", we mean that they called 911.

But they didn't just call once. Oh no, they called multiple times, because they felt that the restaurant had robbed them. The claim was that they'd paid for an order with $10, and only got the equivalent of $2 worth of food back. So they were upset about the $8 discrepancy, and, after arguing with the drive-thru clerk, decided to take it to a higher authority. Most people would demand to talk to a manager, and the situation would probably have been resolved. Instead, the customer ended up under arrest for misusing 911.

Listen, this obviously needs to be repeated. You can't call 911 because you didn't get the right amount of change back, or because you received cold food, or because a store was out of stock on the DVD you wanted to buy. That's just not how it works.

Besides, by going to most fast food restaurants, you've already agreed to pay for something with the nutritional value (and sometimes the flavor) of cardboard. You may as well just write off the entire experience as a loss.

My evil twin

Coming up with an alibi for something has got to be tough. After all, it seems like plenty of criminals get tripped up by this particular detail. They may meticulously plan out the crime, down to intricate floor plans that they'll never actually need to use, but when it comes to an alibi, they seem to drop the ball.

Take, for example, a Kalamazoo, MI man who went to the police with cuts on his arms, pretty obviously from broken glass. When asked what happened, he proceeded to relate a story about witnessing a burglary, and following the criminal inside, all in the effort to perform some sort of a citizen's arrest.

His main problem? The description he gave for the burglar was strikingly like his own description, down to the clothes he was wearing. Yes, he basically snitched on himself.

Before you wonder, no, this wasn't a case of the man's guilty conscience coming back to bite him, unless it did so in one of the weirdest ways fathomable. Instead, the man, who was drunk at the time he reported to the police, simply couldn't come up with a description other than the one he could see in a mirror. And he wasn't even trying to turn himself in. He was just trying to play the part of a good citizen, and let the police know what had happened. If only that damning evidence hadn't gotten in the way.

Seriously, people, it just isn't that hard. Sure, you may be lying, and your lie may have more holes than Swiss cheese, but at least give it a little effort. After all, if you're going to go to the lengths involved to commit a crime, the least you could do is give the false perpetrator a different skin tone, hair color, and change the type of shirt they were wearing.

At least give them a goatee. It is the internationally recognized symbol for evil.

This is inertia!

It's generally a good rule of thumb to avoid arguments with the homeless. Sure, you can often end the entire argument with, "Oh yeah? Well I sleep indoors," it's often considered bad form to do so, and, ultimately, there's no real victory to be had. Besides, you never really know when they'll snap and attack. While that can happen with any argument, stereotypically speaking, it's more likely when one of the verbal sparrers is living on the streets.

Now, picture what can take place when both of the people in the argument are homeless. For added surreal viewing, picture that the argument is over quantum physics, and it ends with a skateboard to the face.

We just can't imagine it, really. Not because we can't picture two homeless people knowing enough about physics to argue quantum concepts, but mostly because we ourselves don't really have that firm of a grasp on the field, and don't think we'd be able to hold our own in such an argument. Without that knowledge base, we just feel like we're missing out. In fact, the only thing that could have made this story more bizarre to us would have been if they were not just arguing about quantum physics, but were doing so in Latin.

Still, we do have to wonder exactly what set the first man off. Did the second man call him and his mother entangled entities? Was there some sort of double slit joke made off-handedly?

Maybe they were just experimenting with Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, and things went wrong.

Right time

There are right times and right places for everything. Sometimes, those two magical "rights" combine, and give people the opportunity to take part in something that they might not have had any other chance to do.

Take, for example, the police. Most of the time that the cops are involved in stopping a crime, they're actually trying to pick up the pieces after the crime has already been committed. Not so for a couple of cops in Austin, TX, as they were able to get their criminals practically before they could do anything. Sure, it helped that the cops were staking out the building the criminals decided to try robbing, but that's besides the point.

Honestly, these things don't happen all that frequently. And sure, the cops weren't there trying to watch for robbery, but they still benefited from good timing on their part. Of course, we've been permanently scarred by the movies, so our image of a stakeout also involves high-powered binoculars, plenty of fast food wrappers, and a veritable horde of coffee cups sitting in the back seat, but we're sure that even movie cops would be happy with this particular piece of police work.

Someone else that was rewarded by being in the right place at the right time is someone who just wanted some french fries, but didn't really want to pay for them. So he just ran past a drive-thru window and grabbed them as they were being passed to the person who'd actually placed the order. It should be noted that, on top of this already admittedly daring deed, the thief did the entire thing while running naked.

Hey, man. Sometimes you just have to have fries. We only wonder if the guy had to go back to get more salt.

Calling all cars

What do you do when you're trying to get somewhere, but another vehicle is blocking you in? Most people would probably ask (politely or not) for said vehicle to move. Now what if that vehicle is a police car? Again, most people would ask for the car to move, and they might, depending on their views of the police, adopt a different waiting stance.

But neither of those applied to a woman in Syracuse, NY. She found her vehicle blocked by a squad car, so she ordered it to move. When it didn't, largely because the officers were responding to a call, she dialed 911 to report the problem.

Oh yeah. And then she keyed the car.

Listen, we understand that people have places to go, and that, in our fast-paced world, sometimes waiting those extra few minutes can seem like the end of the world. But that's still no excuse for keying a cop car. And, as for dialing 911, we almost wonder if she was trying to get another squad car into her neighborhood so that she'd have a second target.

But really, she should have dialed a non-emergency line. The police just hate when you call 911 over something trivial.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 15, 2009

Alright. We're stepping back into the pool. We needed some time away after the realization that the LOLcats have become popular enough to get their own musical, and now we're ready to tackle the day's awards. So, before we start foaming at the mouth again, let's just get rolling.

C-12 Award
The United States and North Korea may be about to embark on a life-size game of Battleship, complete with sinking vessels. According to reports, a North Korean ship will be getting met part way by a US destroyer, because the North Koreans may be using their vessel to transport nuclear weaponry. Odds are good that any attempt to board the vessel will turn the whole thing into a life-size game of Risk. Doesn't anybody ever play Connect Four, anymore? Pretty sneaky, Kim Jong-Il.

No Delicates Award
Have you ever wanted a washing machine that could potentially open up portals to other dimensions? If so, and if you have a fat enough wallet, you can fulfill that dream. Of course, you'd have to buy it off of the guy who just purchased it for over $5000. For that price, it better be willing to separate lights and darks all by itself.

Robbed Award
How often have you found yourself in the middle of a potential drug deal, only to have the dealer pull a gun and take all of your money? Never? Well, that's just what happened to a Florida man, who then called the police on his dealer in an attempt to get back what he'd lost. No word on which green the victim would rather receive for his troubles.

Money Unlaundered Award
If you rob a bank, what do you do with all of the ink-stained bills? If you're like a Chicago man looking for an easy way through these tough economic times, you learn the hard way that you shouldn't just try and deposit that money into other banks. If only there were some term for cleaning money, and removing anything that could trace it back to some specific illegal activity.

Stuck with a Stick Award
How embarrassing is it to get into a car, only to realize that it has a manual transmission, and you don't know how to drive stick shift? Generally not too bad. Now what if you're in the middle of making a get-away attempt, and you had to try and steal the car to complete your escape? Come on, people. If you really need to commit a crime, can't you be a little more selective about your escape vehicles, and take time to find one that you can actually get moving?

*Twitch Twitch* Award
This has almost driven us back into hiding, but we will endure. Apparently, some (former) music channels are compiling lists of "defining moments" for graduates from the class of 2009. Some selections include the election of Barack Obama, and the issue of gay marriage. Also on the list? Twilight. If only they were talking about the time of day.

Attack of the Cats Award
No, this isn't another reference to yesterday's news. This is a story coming out of the United Kingdom about what might be stopping postmen from making their appointed rounds. Not rain, nor sleet, nor any of that other weather stuff. It's a 6-month old kitten. After all, once a kitten has gotten a taste for human flesh, they simply can't be stopped. Not without a small dosage of catnip.

Well, with that mention of cats, we're going to close up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more disturbing news that even makes us cringe a bit. Stay safe out there.

Say it isn't true

First, they attacked our beloved internet, spreading like wildfire across the web. Then they moved on to our libraries and bookstores, furthering their plot to destroy any semblance of literacy across the globe. Now, they have their next target well within their sights.

The LOLCats are taking to the stage.

Even worse, to continue in the grand tradition of making musicals for things that don't need music (Spiderman, Octomom, Reese Witherspoon movies), it's a freaking musical. Yes, this means that soon, people will be singing and dancing to music written in LOL-ese.

Yeah. We're just going to hide from the rest of the 'net today. After all, we're afraid if we keep looking, we'll find something worse, and we're just not sure the world can take it.

Pulling a fast one

So, between these two scenarios, which one's worse? Would you rather get arrested for attempting to defraud millions from the government, or after a high-speed chase? Before you answer, we should probably touch on each story.

In the first, we see a man who was dedicated to his effort. In fact, not only did he try to claim that he was owed a ten million dollar refund from the IRS, but he also made attempts to secure another fourteen trillion more. Of course, it should be noted that this is the same IRS who happens to get employment information on American citizens, and monitors exactly how much they pay in through their taxes over the course of the year, so perhaps this little effort wasn't the best planned scam he could have come up with. In fact, other scams that tend to work better include, but are not limited to, pretending to be Nigerian royalty, or actually being an American automobile company.

Meanwhile, the second story does revolve around a high-speed chase. After all, the person being chased was a repeat offender, and needed to be apprehended. What was that repeat offense? What made them such a dangerous criminal that the police had to pull out all of the stops and possibly endanger others just to take this menace off of the street? He was stealing shoes. But wait, these shoes cost upwards of $200 per pair. Totally worth the danger, and it makes perfect sense why this high-speed chase would be pursued all the way into New Orleans.

Aw, who are we kidding. We'd rather be either of those two than the police who have to explain WHY they chased someone over a pair of shoes.

Although they still rank higher than meeting anyone from "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".

Seeing stars

We like tattoos. We definitely feel that personal images etched into the skin have a place, and, in many ways, tattoos allow people to express things without using words. Sure, there are times where we see tattoos that make us cringe, and other body modification doesn't make a lot of sense to us, but we definitely support the right for people to make those decisions and make those changes.

But that doesn't mean that we aren't going to be willing to make fun of someone who's done something silly. Like getting a few stars tattooed onto their face.

Of course, in this case, the person ended up with over fifty stars, after claiming that they only requested three. They also claim that they fell asleep during the tattooing, and woke up to something resembling a galaxy imprinted into their skin. So, as is the natural turn of events, the woman is now suing her tattoo artist.

Here's the thing, though. We know that everyone's different, but we've talked to quite a few people that have tattoos, and the most common response tends to be that any area that's closer to bone tends to be more sensitive. Given that much of the face tends to be very close to the skull, especially around an eyebrow ridge, it would lend belief to the idea that this area would definitely spike pain higher. If the woman honestly was able to fall asleep through the procedure, what with the buzzing near her ear and the repeat stabbings of needles into her face, then she should be commended for being able to sleep through anything. And she may actually have an argument that the facial art may jeopardize future opportunities for her.

But, well, any facial ink tends to do that. Even three stars, which she claims was her order, is enough to put potential employers, love interests, and random passersby, off from the idea of getting to know the person underneath. So while we can see her argument, and are not horribly surprised that she's suing, we also don't think she has much of a leg to stand on.

Now, if the tattoo artist had linked the stars to make constellations, there might be a different story here.

Paying for crime

What do you do when you find yourself getting charged $45 every time you get arrested? A normal person might consider not committing crimes. After all, those $45 charges can really add up, and they probably get irritating after the first or second.

Obviously, however, a Kansas woman doesn't fall into the category of "normal person". After all, instead of not committing crimes, she's decided that her best course of action is to complain about the charges. Oh, and not pay one, which resulted in a larger fine. In fact, she refers to the charge as a "user fee".

How many different things are wrong with this. First off, being sent to prison isn't really something that a lot of people want to do. It's not like visiting an amusement park, or even going to a cyber-coffee house. Those places can charge user fees because their services are in demand from the regular public. A jail? With rare exception, the people that end up behind bars really don't want to be there. Sure, you may not believe that when you find out what they did to get locked up in the first place, but it's a pretty safe bet that many of them would rather be free, running around on a beach somewhere.

Secondly, the woman complains because the fee tends to be charged when fingerprints need to be taken. Given her status as a convicted felon, she points out that her fingerprints are already on file and don't need to be taken again. Well, the law actually lists crimes that do require such a procedure, regardless of whether the prints are already catalogued or not. So that kind of deflates her second argument.

Finally, and most importantly, if you don't want to pay the fine, stop committing crimes. Honestly, that would be like Paris Hilton complaining that people think she's just a tramp who'll bounce from bed to bed, without actually changing her patterns of bed-bouncing.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 8, 2009

Here we sit, inching towards the official beginning of summer, wondering where the time has gone. Then we remember that we don't keep a lot of clocks around, and our calendar is still a Dilbert desk version from 2003, and we stop worrying so much. And that's why we've got our awards to keep us rolling right along.

Do You Smell Something? Award
This award is being given to a library in Peoria, Illinois. Seems that the library is looking to expand, but they need to get a little something taken care of, first. That little something? A local graveyard. Peter Venkman and Carol Anne could not be reached for comment.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 1 Award
Think about the worst thing that could happen while using a public restroom. Now that you've moved beyond sitting in a stall next to a lactose-intolerant person at the Cheesecake Factory, we've got a different crappy example for you. How about getting beaten up and robbed while taking care of business? To make matters worse, the stall was out of the soft stuff.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 2 Award
Our second bathroom story comes from Massachusetts, where a woman decided to join a man in a port-o-potty. The problem? He had taken out a restraining order against her. She was later found in the same car with the man, and claimed that the two had "worked things out". She also claimed that "nothing nasty" happened, because of fear of falling in. However, simply being in a port-o-potty, alone or with another person, pretty much proves that something nasty did indeed happen. Just think of the smell alone...

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day Award
Actually, no. It's nothing like that. This story actually has some level of irony to it, as an investigator of identity theft has recently become a victim of a crime. That crime? Naturally, identity theft. Don't you think?

Make Like a Tree Award
The old saying is "make like a tree and leaf." Maybe now it'll become "make like a tree and get married to two men". Two Houston conceptual artists are marrying an oak sapling, in their latest performance. We're certain that this marriage will remain evergreen, with beautiful foliage.

Dig Your Own Hole Award
Some people need to dig. Others, like the subject of this article, just need to grunt. What for? Finding worms for bait. Who said that people didn't have enough hobbies?

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more stories and more bizarre connections. Stay safe out there.

*cough cough*

Coming up with excuses to get yourself out of either a ticket or an arrest is a tradition going back, probably, to the first time that someone found themselves either under arrest, or about to receive a ticket. Over the years, people have tried to get more and more inventive with their excuses, as law enforcement has been better at sniffing out the lies and deception.

Of course, when you something gets declared a pandemic right around the time of your own potential arrest, you've got a tailor-made excuse ready and waiting. At least, that's what people in Connecticut thought when they tried to claim that they were being quarantined for swine flu when the cops showed up at their door.

Don't think for a moment that it worked. True, it gave the arrestee some extra precious time to be free, but eventually the police mobilized, got some respiratory masks, and went into the house anyways. They proceeded to take their suspect out, load them into an ambulance, and deliver them to a hospital, just so the whole excuse could be put to the test.

This is why, if you are going to come up with an excuse along these lines, you really need to go all out. Don't just make up a claim that might allow you to avoid legal trouble. Make sure that your claim is fool-proof, and that there's no way the police could be upset with you for stretching the truth. In other words, be committed to your story.

And, darn it, if that means you need to get sick, you go out and get sick. Otherwise you'll probably just look foolish.

Taking pride

People need to take pride in their work. Of course, when that work is of an illegal nature, maybe a little less pride should be taken, but still, you have to be able to look on the things that you create like a parent.

That's why it's both good and bad for an Argentine man who was recently found innocent of counterfeiting. Not that he wasn't trying to create false money, just that he was so bad at it, nobody would ever be fooled by the bills.

On one hand, the man definitely should think that he's getting away lucky. After all, counterfeiting isn't really a crime that is looked upon too favorably by the court system. It's certainly not like jaywalking, which often gets written up with a warning at most. The man could have easily been looking at years in prison, at the very least.

On the flip side, though, he has to be a bit chagrined about the whole thing. Not only did he get brought in before a judge, but then he was told that he wasn't even good enough to fool random store clerks. That would be like someone discovering that a modern art piece was actually created by a kindergartner. Correction, that would be like someone discovering that a modern art piece was created by a blind kindergartner who failed art for eating too much paint.

We just hope that the man has some other hobbies. We'd suggest he avoid creating things, or any sort of detail-oriented work, though.

A day late

Alright, so the subject of today's article is more than a day late, but that's besides the point. Calling it a few months late just didn't have the same ring to it. But hey, when you're passionate about something, you should follow through with all the gusto you can manage.

That's what Cindy Sheehan thinks. After all, she spent a good portion of GDub's second term in office protesting over his election, his policies, and the war effort going on overseas. He's been out of office since January, so what is a poor protest-lover to do?

Obviously, the only answer is to gather people and continue the protest outside of his home.

Yes, you read that correctly. From what the article says, it seems like the protest is no longer revolving around what Bush has the power to change, but now it's a protest over all the things that he didn't do while in office. Again, it should be noted that, at this point, he has no power to change anything (in fact, we're never certain that he had any power to begin with). So this protest, aside from potentially upsetting the neighbors of the former President, has little ability to do much of anything. And you can safely bet that it's merely one in a string of protests planned for this particular area of Texas.

Listen, we get being passionate about things. And, to be completely honest, a lot of times the protests that were conducted actually helped to highlight gross injustices. Sure, nothing much got accomplished, but at least people outside of Washington were able see some of these problems and do what they could to try and keep them from happening again. But, at this point, the whole thing just starts to strike as someone who had their fifteen minutes of fame, and refuses to let go.

What's next? Is the Octomom going to pop out a few more kids?

Seriously, just don't

Alright people. We've said this before, and we can't believe that we're finding ourselves saying it again. There are some jobs that it's perfectly acceptable to take a portion of their duties onto yourself. One of those jobs is not the job of a police officer, specifically if that duty is chasing down someone who may or may not be a thief.

Oh, and this should go without saying, but that goes double if the thief stole marijuana from you.

A Pennsylvania man was recently reminded of this truism after he was pulled over for speeding, and subsequently arrested for the amount of drugs still within his car. Oh yes, he was still driving around enough recreational drugs to keep some college kids entertained for awhile, split between baggies full of pot and ecstasy tablets. On the plus side, when he was pulled over by the police, at least he was honest about why he was speeding. Not the brightest bulb, really, but at least he told the truth.

Oddly enough, another somewhat dim bulb came to our attention today as well. But hey, why should we expect the Department of Energy to be able to hold themselves to their own rigorous energy conservation rules?

After all, those rules are tough, man.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 1, 2009

Here we sit, ready for another rousing round of our awards. Why? Because it's June! Well, actually, it's because it's Friday, but we just had to give a little nod to our musical theater-knowledgeable readers. Now that we've done that, let's get the ball rolling.

Wheeeee! Award
What do you do when you live in Wisconsin, have been ordered by a judge not to drink, and you see a neighborhood kid playing with a Slip 'n Slide? If you're a La Crosse woman, you strip down to your underwear, get drunk, and slide away. The woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct. And they say that people in the Upper Midwest don't know how to have a good time.

Well, That Explains the Tickets Award
New York City police did their jobs to the letter by placing parking tickets onto an illegally parked van. In fact, they were able to write tickets for weeks because the van just never moved. Of course, the fact that the driver was dead inside probably helped that. As a note, this may just answer the question of, "What's the least I could do?"

Thanks, Hard-Hitting Journalism Award
We normally reserve our thanks for Science, and it's crazy studies, but today, a newspaper takes the cake. Literally, in this case, as the LA Times has written an entire story about America's love affair... with the cupcake. The article gets special mention for one of the worst rephrasings of a movie quote that we've seen in a long time. It's almost too bad that the reporter's name wasn't "Jesus".

Conceal and (Don't) Carry Award
A mother from Maryland is being extradited from Baltimore after going on the run with her child. Her crime? Concealing a child and violating a custody order, all while putting her son into a health risk. Oh, and it should be mentioned that her son weighs over 500 pounds. David Copperfield still isn't impressed.

Speech! Speech! Same Speech! Award
All across the country, schools are holding graduation ceremonies, during which one lucky student gets to deliver a speech that will be remembered for years, especially by the people who continue to miss school no matter how long they've been away from it. Well, there's a reason why so many graduation speeches are the same, as a recent Florida high school graduate learned, after her original speech was rejected. Apparently, admitting to new graduates that life might not be perfect and rosy just isn't the best plan. You know, unless you're preparing them for a lifetime of reality television.

Make Lemonade Award
People always say the same thing about life and lemons. They very rarely take into account the chances that those lemons are yours because someone threw them at you. A husband had to learn that the hard way after his wife threw lemons at him, causing him to worry that he might get hit by one. In the future, he plans on being prepared, by carrying around butter and a fresh fish.

Wheeeee! Part Two Award
Apparently it just isn't a good idea to tie a sled to the back of your pick-up truck, put your kid on the sled, and then drive around town in white-out conditions. It's an even worse idea to do so right past a police station. Oh, and the worst possible idea? Trying to claim that your six-year-old son pressured you into doing it. Man, kids just don't get to have any fun anymore.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week, as we creep towards the middle point of the year. Enjoy some sunshine, get some lemonade, perhaps the freshly-squeezed variety, and try to remember where your air conditioners are. Stay safe out there.

Seriously?

We don't often link to other blogs, but that's just because, normally, we find our news through newspaper or radio websites. Just how we go about our business of finding stories. However, the few times that we stray away from that standard, it had better be worthwhile. And boy howdy, is today's entry worthwhile.

After all, how often do you get to hear about someone suing over crunchberries?

Yes, that's right, folks. A woman actually attempted to sue the makers of Cap'n Crunch cereal for being misleading. As it turns out, this woman claims to have recently learned that the crunchberries advertised in the cereal are nothing more than fruit-flavored cereal balls, and that there's no fruit actually contained. Does it surprise anyone that this lawsuit started in California, or that the attorneys for the woman already tried a previous claim with a different plaintiff trying for a similar route, except targeting Froot Loops?

Look, we could understand if the plaintiff was some child. After all, for plenty of children, there really is a magical cartoon land, populated by a short ship's captain and his friends, as he scours the land far and wide for the wonderful crunchberry fields. There is also a rabbit trying to steal their cereal, a leprechaun who can make common items into marshmallows, and an insane bird who loves chocolate pellets. But for a grown adult to even try to make such an assertion is beyond ludicrous.

Thankfully, the judge for the case was smart, or at least smart enough to spot a frivolous lawsuit right away, and he threw out the argument. Given that the case was revolving around the notion that the cereal was a specific attempt to "mislead the consumer", and given that nobody in their right mind who is also past the age of 15 would believe for a moment that crunchberries were real berries, we're glad the case was thrown out.

This should allow them to get back to prosecuting that burglar from Cookie Crisp.

The family that drinks together

It's nice when families get involved in each other's activities. Sure, there are things that probably shouldn't be done as a team effort, but plenty of other events benefit from having full involvement. Just think, how sad would kids athletics be if the parents didn't ever show up? True, some parents take it a little too far, but at least they're taking an interest in those activities.

This is all just a segue to today's story, about a husband and wife that just had to do something together. A nice little activity for the couple to engage in. True, that activity happened to be drinking and driving, but that's besides the point.

Wait, no, that's the exact point. Not only did they both drink, and then take turns driving, but they didn't switch until one of them had crashed into a tree. And now they have another activity that they can do together.

See, both the husband and the wife were charged with DUI, so now they get a wonderful, no-expense-paid trip to walking around and taking public transportation for the next 60 days.

But hey, this shouldn't cut too severely into their future drinking. Especially since, for two months, they won't have to worry about gas prices.

Maybe it was a land shark

A fair percentage of the population really dislikes door-to-door solicitation. Of course, most people just put up signs in their windows to express this feeling, but a Michigan man decided that he didn't want to be like the rest of the populace. He took a different approach to expressing his displeasure.

He fired a couple of rounds from a rifle.

Don't worry, though. He didn't hit the solicitor. Nobody was hurt in the altercation. We would say that nothing at all happened, except that the resident was able to hit at least one thing with his short barrage.

He shot his own car.

Listen, we totally get that plenty of people don't like to have to deal with door-to-door solicitors, and sure, there are plenty of ways other than simply tacking up a note to express those feelings. Perhaps organizing some sort of prank involving firecrackers would be more in line. Or maybe actually invite them in, and then try to spin the conversation to the point where you're selling them something. But brandishing a weapon seems a bit extreme. Proceeding to actually use that weapon, even just to scare them away, definitely crosses lines.

For crying out loud, at least put the car in the garage first. Paint jobs are expensive.

A (non)working designation

We've all been there. We've all had nights where we go out on the town, tip back a few too many, and need to call a cab to get home. Of course, if we were being visionary, we probably took a cab to get to the bars in the first place, which may also indicate some level of planning towards a truly intoxicated evening. So we're not surprised to see that, even in Canada, this practice is still being used.

Of course, the Canadians in question DID go and surprise us. It wasn't for getting into a cab in the first place. It was for abusing the driver and then crashing the cab into a business.

Listen, folks. There's a reason the cab was called. Sure, you thought it would be fun to fight with each other. After all, one thing that alcohol does is to impair your judgement, especially if you've had a lot of it. And we can even think how you might have thought that, because you were having so much fun with your drunken fight, that maybe the cabbie would want to get involved. But you were wrong, and he decided that you shouldn't be in the cab anymore. We call that a sign. That sign, of course, telling you to take another cab and try and behave. Heck, if need be, stop in another bar and get some of the more belligerent people close to passing out.

But come on, people. When you've needed to rely on a cab to get you from location to location due to your drunkenness, you really shouldn't try and drive it when the cabbie escapes your abuse.

That only works when you're a celebrity.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 25, 2009

It's been a short week here at the CSM. Of course, it's been a short week in many places, what with the Memorial Day holiday. Thankfully, the news has kept us going all week long. So let's get these Memorial Week Awards rolling.

Pepperoni and Pistol Pizza Award
When you're a former mob hit man running a pizza joint, and you have to close your doors, what can you blame it on? Is it the fault of the current economy? Might it have something to with reports that you may have pistol-whipped customers that complained? Nope, it's the media coverage that's scaring people away. Well, you know, that and the large sausage and concussion meal.

Ikea, Ukea, We All Kea Award
Ikea, purveyor of fine "put-it-together-yourself-so-you-can-save-cash" furniture, has a complaint. That complaint is with a website that may be stepping on their toes. But why? Well, aside from the moniker "I love Ikea" in the site name, it is being used to sell strictly used Ikea furniture. The furniture giant is taking the site to court, claiming brand infringement. At the very least, the other site should have given little mustaches to the guys pictured in the Ikea assembly instructions.

Giving the Baby Air Award
We all know the stereotype about dogs on car rides. Sure, they love sticking their head out the window, because they love the wind rush past them. Apparently, a Florida man thought that babies were much the same, and was arrested because of it. Oh, and it should come as no surprise, but drugs were involved. Thankfully, the man got a ticket for not restraining the child. To be fair, he needed the kid free just in case he dropped his joint.

When Not to Brag Award
This has been said before, and by more than just us. If you've committed a crime, don't brag about it. A Virginia man was recently arrested for robbing a bank after he bragged about it on his MySpace page. Wait, people still use MySpace?

Wikibanned Award
Hot on the heels of the news that France is taking the Church of Scientology to court, we now see that Wikipedia has banned all IP addresses associated with the organization from posting on their sites. Yeah, not a whole lot more than that to the article. Oh, other than the flagrant usage of the phrase "wiki-" as a prefix to more words than we previously thought imaginable.

High-Face Award
A Texas school superintendent is in hot water after he tapped a principal on the head. Seems he was giving high-fives to other principals over results from their school testing, and the principal in question didn't raise their hand. She has now filed a police complaint over the "assault", that, it should be noted, could have been avoided if she'd given a high-five back. Listen, lady, there's a reason that "pal" is in the name of your job. Not that we're condoning the head tap... we just like high-fives.

Watch Where You Sit Award
How would you feel if you took your AP exams, and found out that they may be invalid because you sat at the end of the table, instead of on the side? That may happen for students in Oklahoma City. School officials think that the tests should still be valid, but what do they know? They allowed people to sit at the end of the table.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, with a whole pile of news. That is, of course, unless the world happens to get incredibly boring over the next few days. Stay safe out there.

Smell the healthy

Fast food restaurants have long been viewed as a place where healthy has little to no place, and somewhat rightly so. After all, when you're preparing food on the quick, grease and fat often are almost necessary. Besides, if people wanted to eat healthier, they probably wouldn't be quite so willing to stop at a place that doesn't even require them to get out of their cars.

But over the last few years, people have been firing back at the fast food joints for not being healthy enough. They're being targeted as one of the main culprits behind the rise in obesity, especially in children. So it's about time that more of the chains started taking that into account, and offering more health-conscious options, at least for their kid's meals.

Well, Burger King has jumped on board, and they may have missed the mark slightly. It seems that they've decided to add the choice of apple slices to their menu, but, well, a few other places do that already. So it's time to be different, and BK is doing it their own way, by making sure that they're giving fried apple slices instead. Oh, and there's a dip for them, too.

Thank goodness that BK is willing to take this step. And it should be noted that they're referring to the initiative as their "Positive Steps" menu. We suppose that switching french fries for fried apple is a step.

After all, not frying the apples would be a leap.

The French are fighting

We know, we know. We're just as shocked as everyone. Actually, we're not really shocked at all. Sure, France has been stereotyped as a nation that's willing to bend over backwards on their way to a quick surrender, but that just ignores all of the other times that the French decided to go about fighting, even when defeat was staring them in the face. Besides, this current fight isn't about land or anything like that.

It's about Scientology.

That's right, folks. A court in Paris is currently looking at a case being brought against the church of Hubbard followers, claiming that the organization is guilty of fraud and illegally acting as a pharmacy. Pretty daunting claims, actually. And both seem to have some basis. After all, Scientology does promote themselves as a religion, but then insist that people purchase as many of the materials as possible, especially if they want to rise through the ranks. The Church also sells vitamins to followers, which could be construed as working as a pharmacy.

Still, we have a tough time believing that the case holds a lot of water. Sure, plenty of European countries have classified Scientology as a cult, and their argument holds merit. But is it really a cult when so many celebrities flock to it? As for the pharmacy claim, well, the verdict is still out on whether or not most vitamins even do any good, which begs the question as to whether selling a placebo is a crime or not.

When it comes down to it, the job of the court is not to determine the validity of Scientology's continued existence, just whether any of its practices are criminal. From what we can tell, they've done at least one criminal thing.

But we still forgive them for releasing "Battlefield Earth" on us all.

Don't say anything

Over the years, governments have been trying to make creating identification cards into a foolproof process. New elements have been added, turning a simple card with some personal information and a photo into something much closer to a credit card, complete with a magnetic strip. Well, thanks to identity theft, not even that is as secure as it could be anymore, but many states are looking into new technology to try and improve the process.

That's where facial recognition software comes into play. But there is a catch. The software can't guarantee a match every time, with simple things such as facial expression throwing off the algorithms. So, in an effort to try and make the process as perfect as possible, some states have instituted a new rule. If you're currently in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada, or Virginia and you need to go to the DMV, just try not to smile.

We know, we know. The DMV is just such a fun place to go. We can't help but smile every time we go in. Of course, we really enjoy the schadenfreude involved in any sort of government institution, and we're the kind of people who can enjoy hours on end at the Social Security office, so maybe we're not really the best people to judge this type of thing.

Honestly, we really can't imagine that it's too difficult to get people to not smile. After all, nobody ever seems all that thrilled about getting their photo taken for their driver's license. In fact, we've seen people more excited about getting a mug shot than getting a DMV photo.

This can only bode well for the future. After all, if there's one thing the DMV needed more was an effort to take away what little joys may have existed there previously.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 18, 2009

Here we are again, getting ready for the weekend. But this weekend is bound to be more full than others, because it's a holiday weekend. That, naturally, means not a whole lot, other than the high likelihood of an extra day off of work. In honor of that, let's get rolling with the awards.

Pants vs Skins Award
What seems like a reasonable reaction to being involved in a domestic dispute? If you said "strip naked", you might have more in common with a couple in South Carolina than you might think. Apparently, in downtown Seneca, the couple were fighting, with the man stripped down to pants, and the woman completely naked. Listen, we know it's been warm recently, but that's just ridiculous.

Puppetry Award
We respect that people have found ways to pass the time, and some of those ways are more inventive than others. But, just a quick word of advice. If you're looking for recreational fun, we don't suggest standing over an air conditioner intake and using any part of your body as a puppet. That goes double if you've decided to use your penis. Doesn't anybody just flash people like the good old days anymore?

Managing the Trois Award
Oh look, another story about indecent acts in public. Apparently, a couple decided to get frisky at a sports field, already drawing extra attention from passersby. How could they make it worse? Including a third person who simply asked to join. So looks like the answer to the question we posed above is a resounding "No."

Going Halfsies Award
So how about something wholesome? Maybe shift away from the sex stories for a bit? Instead, how about we mention the most recent girl to achieve fame for auctioning off her virginity. As it turns out, she may have to give up half of the money for tax purposes. Looks like, in one auction, she ended up getting screwed twice.

All In Award
Alright, fine. Shifting off of the sex stories for a bit, let's talk about people doing some minor gambling at home. A home rummy game went afoul when two of the guests decided to pepper spray their host, and steal upwards of $600. Yes, the two were caught, after driving into a fence, and the bail was set at $25,000. No word on what hands the two were holding when they left, but their lack of forward thinking could actually indicate winning cards. Guess they wanted to make it home for "American Idol".

Can You Hear Me Now? Award
Leave it to Verizon to show their concern for their customers. A 62-year-old man went missing, and, when the police contacted his cell phone provider to try and help track him down through the phones GPS technology, they found the service was shut off. But, naturally, it was reinstated immediately. Or the company refused to do so unless $20 was paid on an overdue bill. Luckily, the man was found, and may consider switching, not wanting to get caught in a dead zone.

Pretty Pretty Poltergeist Award
You know, if there's one concern we had towards Ouija boards, it's that they were just too gender neutral. Thank heavens you can buy a pink one now. We expect that a lot of questions to the board will now revolve around how lame a pink Oujia board is.

Changing Industry Award
In a recent study, it turns out that more Americans have played video games in the past six months than have gone to the movies. And, as has been prophesied before, the time is coming where the geek truly shall inherit the earth. You know, provided they can tolerate sunlight long enough to last outside. We're confident that price, quality, and length of enjoyment are certainly not factors in this.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the Memorial Day weekend, and, if you can, try and catch a movie. It'll give your thumbs a rest. Stay safe out there.

Banned in the USA

Boy, it's a good thing California doesn't have anything major to worry about. Never mind the crippling debt that the state faces, because we all know that the government loves bailing out the bankrupt more than kids love candy, and celebrities love rehab. Because of that knowledge, California legislators are looking to move onto the next big issue.

That issue, of course, being a way to prohibit the sale or rental of violent video games to people under 18. You know, like porn.

Well, thank goodness. It's about time that someone stood up to these video game tyrants. After all, kids might play these games and see violent acts, which could in turn lead to them becoming lifelong criminals. After all, that connection hasn't been disproven time and time and time again.

Seriously, though, the video game industry, much like the movie industry, already has a rating system in place. Retailers are supposed to adhere to that system, but there's no indication that they actually do. After all, it's very similar to CD sales, with "explicit lyrics" stickers emblazoned on discs, but kids buying them anyway. The California lawmakers are making a connection between the levels of violence (and, we assume, foul language) to porn, all in the interest of protecting our children. Meanwhile, the video game industry doesn't think that they should be treated differently than other media, and rightly so. After all, when television is chock full of police procedural dramas showcasing extreme acts of violence, but a video game gets lambasted because of something closer to a cartoon (and let's not forget the violence often exhibited in cartoons), there's obviously some sort of a double standard.

Oh, if only there were people who could find a way to watch the children, and gauge their media intake based off of what they feel is appropriate for the child. Perhaps someone who has been with the kid since they were just a baby, and therefore might have an idea of what they could handle and process.

Apparently, parents just don't exist in the states that have tried to enact these laws.

Rescued by research

Once again, science has come along to save us all. Is it finally a cure for a terminal disease? No. Have they found a way to help reverse the effects of global climate change? Wrong again. Wait, is it that they've found intelligent life on another planet, perhaps ushering in a new era of development for all of us? Still incorrect.

Did they find out that ducks like water? Yes. Yes, they did.

Now you may not be thinking that this is an earth-shattering revelation, but you haven't gotten the whole story. See, ducks don't just like swimming in and drinking water. Oh no. They like to be caught in a rain storm, too. Apparently, ducks like when water runs off their back. Who knew, right?

We can see you're still not convinced about the importance of this. Sure, there are other things that Science could have been working on, but it's important that we know how ducks feel about water. After all, it could certainly help to explain why, um... why... oh, why they spend so much time in water! Sure, it could be because that's their natural habitat. But maybe it's also because they like it.

Okay, seriously, Science? We're getting a little tired of this. Sure, we can see some benefits to studies like this one, but there really are better things for you to be doing. And when you make a big announcement about your "results", don't expect people to be super friendly with you.

What's next? Celebrities like cocktails, rehab, and swimming pools?

Excessively strict

Most people are familiar with signs prohibiting food and drink from certain areas. Generally, there's a good reason as to why, and the people using those resources either obey the rules, or try to sneak their food and drink in without getting caught. And yes, they usually fail.

But who would have suspected that breastfeeding would fall under the same restrictions?

It did for a woman at a Nottingham leisure center. Apparently, she was horribly in the wrong by feeding her baby, and was scolded by staff for violating the policy. And no, it's not because she had an exposed (or semi-exposed) breast. It was simply because she was feeding her child.

Listen, we understand that rules exist for a reason. We get that people tend to need those rules in order to be protected from their own foolish behavior. But there are times when it gets a little out of hand, and chastising a mother for breastfeeding her infant is a prime example of people not being flexible when the situation calls for it. Thankfully, the location is now looking to revise its rules, but this incident should never have occurred.

After all, it's not like the kid was getting mai tais or anything similar. Because you really don't want to see a tipsy 11-week-old on a rampage.

Our Father, who art in gouda

It seems like you can't make it through a week without someone finding a "holy" image in their lunch. Sometimes it's the Virgin Mary on a potato chip. Sometimes it's a grape that looks like Mother Theresa. There's probably even at least one case of someone spotting a Lamb in the box of animal crackers.

Today, the story is about "Cheesus".

Yes, you read that correctly. And no, we didn't nickname the inspirational Cheeto. That burden fell to the Texas couple that discovered Him lying in a bag of orange-powdered bits. And, thankfully, we can all rest assured that, if this is truly an image of Jesus, the couple is planning on being very religious in their handling of the piece.

For right now, it's in a plastic box. They plan on trying to sell it on eBay, but if they don't get enough of a bid, they'll probably just it eat.

Seriously, people? Not only is someone seeing Jesus in a random Cheeto, but they're looking to profit off of it? The last bag of Cheetos we ate had at least a couple of potential Buddhas, and you don't see us trying to make money off of the deal. In fact, if the snack is truly a message, then it seems somewhat sacrilegious to simply sell off His next sign.

Although we can understand the eating thing. Sometimes, those wafers could really use a kick of zesty cheese flavor.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 11, 2009

Here we sit, once again revelling in the notion that is Friday. Do you smell that in the air? Is it freedom? Spring? Possibly just the homeless guy sitting next to you on the bus? Either way, it's definitely a sign that things are growing. So let's move on to the awards.

Smoking Ninja Award
When you think of a ninja, do you picture someone clad head-to-toe in black? An expert martial artist? Someone who can blend into the shadows perfectly? A smoker who steals their cigarettes? Due to the way that he dresses, Colorado police have referred to a cigarette stealer as a "Nicotine Ninja". And wherever he goes, we know that the "Snuff Samurai" can't be far behind.

Dedication Award
Some people just have incredible perseverance towards whatever their doing. Just ask a woman from Pennsylvania, who just landed in jail after a DUI. Make that after receiving her eleventh DUI. Which is just odd, because all most people need is a fifth.

Lowlander Award
What do you do with a self-proclaimed 486-year-old karate master? If you're like most people, you just let them go about their business of being crazy. Of course, when that crazy then is mixed with a dash of swine flu fears, that's when an arrest comes into play. The "karate master" was arrested after attempting to "eliminate" a woman he suspected of having "the swine flu". If only he'd just swept the leg, first.

Revenge Award
A policeman decided to take vigilantism into his own hands to an extent after local politicians voted to cut back on a program that put bonus and education money into cops hands. His revenge? A slew of parking tickets. The police department are planning on looking into the situation to decide if it was an abuse of authority. Meanwhile, the officer is currently planning out his costume as "Ticket Man".

Follow the Birdie Award
Maybe, with avian flu seeming to take a back seat, it's time that people started looking more kindly towards our feathered friends. Georgia police did just that, following a turkey to the home of an illegal immigrant who had evaded authorities for years. Sadly, the turkey is still bound to either look up during a rain storm, or be a guest of honor at a Detroit Lions football game.

Religosity Award
The BBC is catching some heat from supporters, thanks to their recent appointment to the position of head of religion and ethics. Is the new person in charge a criminal, or someone of questionable morals? No, he's just Muslim, which is driving the anger. Because obviously Muslim's don't know anything about religion and ethics. Oh, and of course the main complaint is that the "Christian voice is being sidelined". Once again, an example of one group previously having almost complete control of something feeling ostracized because opposing views are actually being brought to light.

Freedom of... Award
Our last story today is actually one that we're torn on. Some of you may have heard about the Minnesota boy dealing with a treatable form of cancer. Well, despite his parent's wishes (and their religious beliefs), a judge has ruled that the boy "must be treated". On one hand, protecting the child does play a hand. On the other, the parental rights were stripped away by the cold hand of a government official. Wasn't there supposed to be some rules about this set down centuries ago?

That wraps up our awards for this week. Stay safe out there.

Extra helpful

Let's play a little game with imagery. Picture yourself as someone with an extra $12,000 sitting around. Now imagine that you're going to use that money to buy twenty pounds of marijuana from people. So you meet up with them, and, instead of them exchanging goods for currency, they decide that they can probably make even more money if they first rob you, and then keep the pot to themselves. Do you decide that now is the time to call the police and explain the whole situation?

Better yet, do you call the police while chasing the dealers?

For their part, the police actually suggested to the people who lived this situation that maybe they shouldn't engage in pursuit. Something about maybe deciding that they'd gotten themselves in far enough over their own heads that it might be time to pull back and just let it go. Besides, with a tip about someone driving around with guns and many pounds of drugs, the cops probably felt that they'd be able to get at least some arrests out of the deal. The original victims did listen to the police, and the cops were able to raid the house, making arrests. But it may not end there, because the people looking to buy aren't off the hook completely yet, either.

Listen, folks. If you're actively involved in a crime at the time (and, at least right now, buying marijuana is still considered a crime), and you become the victim of a crime, you have all rights to call the police. But it might be a good idea to omit the details of your own misdoings from the conversation. You know, unless you really like helping the cops do their job.

If these guys were living in the DC Universe, they might be named "The Self Incriminators". But Aquaman would finally have villains he could handle.

Make yourself at home

There are times and places to get completely comfortable in your surroundings. Most people probably wouldn't choose to do so in another person's house after they've broken in, but Kansas City is dealing with someone who obviously isn't like most people. After all, he's doing more than just getting comfortable in his surroundings. He's deciding to eat some of the food, surf the net, and sleep in their beds.

Oh yeah, and he's doing it naked.

The man has broken into a few houses, one time standing nude at the top of the stairs with a freshly-mixed drink in his hands. Another victim swears that the man surfed "at least one porn site", which obviously is a pretty severe thing, especially when you're dealing with a naked guy who breaks into people's houses. After all, you just wouldn't be able to use that computer chair any more.

Probably one of the weirdest things about this, aside from the overall naked-and-breaking-into-houses thing, is that fact that the man seems to be doing these things largely to just get an idea of what the houses are like. After all, it's not like he's stealing valuables, instead just helping himself to the refrigerator and the liquor cabinet.

We have to wonder, if given enough time, there would end up being an entire naked party happening at one of these homes. Or, alternately, if the man would be able to find a pair of pants that he likes.

A lack of thought

Two different stories popped at us today, and both involve people not thinking as hard about as subject as they possibly should have. Sometimes, just coming up with scenarios can be a good exercise, and it seems that it would have been useful in both of the following situations.

Take, for example, our first story today, where parents are starting to raise concerns because the pet door they had installed didn't carry any warnings that children might fit through it as well. Listen, folks, we sympathize. We really do. But come on. The reason you installed a pet door in the first place was so that your dog or cat could have easy access to the outside world. And, for plenty of people, their dog is either the same size or larger than their children. If you can't put two and two together on that one, then we're sorry.

Seriously, just take an example of an average three-year-old, and most dogs in the beagle range. Put the kid down on all fours, and there's a chance that they might be right around the same size, thereby enabling them to fit through the opening meant for your pet. So what are your options, at that point? Either remove the pet door, set up barriers that prevent the child from getting to said door, or focus more on your kid. As an added bonus, accept that by the time the child no longer fits through the door, they'll be able to figure out how to open the entire thing. And remember, kids like having mobility to go in and out as they please. If they didn't, there wouldn't be the old phrase about heating the neighborhood.

In the second story, we simply see an example of people perhaps needing to use a little more caution. When you receive a phone call from someone who is disguising their voice, maybe you shouldn't send a solo delivery driver out with their subs. That goes double when they call back with a slightly different address. Sadly, the driver paid the price, getting beaten up in a robbery attempt. And to think, putting just a little thought into the circumstances might have allowed the workers to sniff out that something wasn't quite right, and they could at least have sent along an extra person. Sure, it might have lead to two people getting attacked, but it might also have prevented the entire mess in the first place.

So, please. We beg you. Think a little more about the consequences. Just to save us all a little trouble.

Dumber than the average

The people of Anchorage have a problem. It's a problem that wasn't formerly such a big deal, but, well, times change and people become more sensitive. No, the problem isn't that their view of Russia is getting obscured.

It's bears.

That's right, folks. A state that hosts a thriving bear population, and a city surrounded largely by wilderness, is starting to complain about the bears. Admittedly, there have been maulings in recent years that is starting to provoke the concern, but this does seem a bit odd. Especially given one of the main people quoted in the article. That person, a recent transplant from Washington state made mention that they never saw bears before, but now they see them all of the time.

Well, really? Do you think that might happen? It's not like Alaska isn't known for having a large number of bears, and a lot of the state is still a relatively untouched wilderness. In fact, most of the time, those are drawing points for people wanting to live in, or simply visit, the state. Things are changing, because the bears are being a little more aggressive, but, in their defense, they've been living this close to humans for so long that this is a natural progression. After all, typical posturing that the bears did to encourage people to back off may have just stopped working, because of the familiarity. Remember folks, these are wild animals, and they're more likely than not simply trying to protect their young and their territory.

Ultimately, on one hand we can sympathize with the people of Anchorage who are having this difficulty, but we also sympathize with the bears. It's just a shame that there aren't 49 other states that some of the more worried people could move to, possibly with a smaller concentration of bears.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 4, 2009

Friday has definitely snuck up on us this week. But we're prepared. We've got our ducks in a row. And we've got plenty of stories for our awards today. So let's dive in.

Definition of "Sensual" Award
How many times have you found yourself looking for a sensual massage and found yourself in the middle of a sting operation? Just irritating, right? Of course, if you're like most people, you get your massage from an actual parlor, and aren't trying to find a masseuse in the "erotic" sections of Craigslist. We're just going to assume that there was no happy ending.

On the Scale of 1 to 10, 1 Being Stupid Award
Want a sure way to get a few days off of school? Try ranking your classmates on their physical appearance. The student should have known that doing something like that is really better left to the internet, and random flame trolls.

And A Hockey Game Broke Out Award
We've all heard the old joke about going to a fight and seeing hockey instead. The exact opposite happened in Chicago at the site of a Blackhawks/Canucks game as a married couple decided to brawl with each other. Both received minor penalties for roughing, but the husband received a game misconduct for instigating.

A Budding Supervillain Award
We're not sure if it's ironic or not, but a man who recently bought a rare Spiderman comic book was recently jailed, because the check he used was forged. The man's attorney sited a recent history of drug problems. In all fairness, though, the man was actually doing research before he gets himself involved in a bizarre scientific accident that will grant him fantastic powers.

Um, Oops Award
Just a quick tip for everyone. If you have a plain white van, don't put a sign up saying "Free Candy" in the back window. Especially if you also have a mattress in the back. You know, unless the prank with your friends is really awesome.

Fighting the Law Award
Won't someone think of the prisoners in solitary confinement? A group of them in Maine have gone on a hunger strike, because they aren't being allowed to have radios. This explains a recent dip in ratings for Rush Limbaugh.

Raped Again Award
We have to give this one out to hospitals in Houston, who have the audacity to charge rape victims for their evidence kits. Apparently, being a victim of just one rape wasn't bad enough, so the hospitals have decided that they need to perform a monetary one, as well. We don't even have a joke about this, as we're too disgusted by the activity. Seriously, we understand that the economy is tough, but can't we all try and get these women a little of their dignity back, and not ask them to pay for it?

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we continue to prepare for the summer. Not that we've got anything planned, but we need the glow of our monitors to prepare us for the glare of the sun.

For fun's sake

Some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children. Of course, you don't often find out those details about someone until after they've got kids of their own.

Take, for example, this story about a man in Oregon, who decided that he needed to find a new use for a shock collar usually put on dogs. Instead of using it properly, the man put it on his kids. But before getting up in arms, you should realize he wasn't doing it as some sort of crazy new punishment.

Oh, no. He was doing it because he thought it was funny.

Yeah. Just let that soak in for a bit. Let the rage boil up. Now let it out, slowly.

Seriously, what would possess someone to even try to experiment with this, let alone continue doing it? Sure, some discomfort to others is a calling card of much of comedy, but it shouldn't be funny to continue to cause pain to your own children. There should be a protecting, nurturing side to a parent that would prevent them from doing just this thing.

We're just going to go out on a limb and assume that this guy either has never heard of any comedians, or he was training the kids to be part of the next generation of "Jackass" stars.