Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 25, 2006

Well, everyone, 2006 has been one heck of a year for us here at the CSM, and we didn't even get started until halfway through. Who knows what doing this for a full year could hold?

But enough of that navel gazing nonsense. We need to focus, buckle down, and conquer the task at hand. Which, of course, means that, for the final time in 2006, we need to launch into our weekly awards. Let's get it started!

Future Success Now Award
We give this award to Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend, for her belief that Osama bin Laden's continued freedom is not a failure. In fact, she classified it a "success that hasn't occurred yet." Other successes yet to occur include putting a colony on Mars, securing North Korean disarmament, and convincing GDub to read the entire report by the Iraq Study Group.

The Mighty Continue to Fall Award
There are those that say that the closing of a web-based fansite is a tragic, yet beautiful moment. True, those that say such things don't count in the many, but they do exist. That will make, for those individuals, January 31, 2007 a tragically beautiful day, as one of the top Britney Spears fansites, WorldofBritney.com closes. And with so many alcohol fueled nipple slips remaining in her career, too. So long, WorldofBritney.com... we hardly knew ye.

Best of Both Worlds Award
This prize easily goes to GDub, for being able to top the AP-AOL poll as both the best villain and best hero of 2006. Just proves that The Decider really does reach across party lines. Honorable mentions for villain included Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, and Karl Rove. Honorable mentions for heroes? Well, the cast of Heroes, which is fitting, given their characters.

Bang Your Head Award
We've got to hand it to the Chinese. Suffering through a slow recovery to their telecom systems in the wake of recent earthquakes, they've found a new way of telling when a quake might strike, by watching a group of head-bangers. No, not metal enthusiasts, but snakes. By observing the snakes, the Chinese scientists can predict an earthquake days in advance. They can also predict another horrifying Poison reunion tour.

Happiness is a Warm Puppy Award
Apparently, in Germany, happiness can also be gathered by selling said warm puppy to a bar owner, in exchange for beer. That's exactly what an unemployed man did while walking his 6-year-old stepdaughter's pet beagle. Funny, we really expected this story to be originating in Ireland, not Germany.

Well, at Least We Know Award
Sometimes, we find out that we needed information we didn't realize we needed. Other times, we learn that the most popular name for dogs in NYC is Max. No word on the most popular name for dogs later redeemed for beer.

Enhancing Stereotypes Award
We give this award to Toxoplasma gondii, which is a parasite apparently found in 40% of the world's population. While dangerous to the unborn and to those with weak immune systems, the overall symptoms of the parasite appear to be causing men to have lower IQs and act more boorish, while women infected with the parasite tend to appear more attractive and confident to the opposite sex. This skews the standard belief that all that was needed to make a woman more attractive was to find a brainy girl, and take off her glasses while letting down her hair.

But He Seemed So Normal Award
This one goes to Mike Tyson, who seemed so normal, refined, and in control until we found out that he was recently arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Now, we all realize that he's just trying to be like Nicole Richie, but really, the voice already isn't doing him any favors. If only he could find some outlet for his problems... say, boxing, perhaps.

The Canon Is After Me Award
We don't like to admit that, every once in awhile, we surf YouTube. Mostly because 99.9% of the stuff posted on YouTube makes Charlie Sheen look like Lawrence Olivier. That being said, every once in awhile, something brilliant comes across; something that makes us laugh and think. Rob Paravonian has done just that. Enjoy.

Well, that wraps up our final awards for the 2006 calendar year. Remember, it's never too late to make a resolution for the New Year. Our resolution? To keep reading the news while finding the funny, and maybe holding off on shots until AFTER we've updated the CSM. After all, we've gotta balance the coffee somehow. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 18, 2006

Welcome to another weekly awards round-up. During this most festive time of December, we want to extend our holiday wishes to Time's "Person of the Year" because, well, they deserve it. So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get this show on the road.

Do You Hear What I Hear Award
We give this award to Jessica Simpson, for once again valiantly trying to perform possibly the most famous song of her idol's. The singer attempted a performance of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" at the live taping of the Kennedy Center Honors. She then recorded a second attempt. Both times, Simpson made it all the way from 9 to around 10:30 or so and has pulled the performance from any showings of the Honors. This, of course, is a sign of Simpson's dedication to quality, previously only rivaled by her appearance in The Dukes of Hazzard.

A New Mission Award
This award goes to Robin Hayes (R-NC), who has taken a drastically different look at how to win the war in Iraq. Whereas the overall goal behind the conflict has been to spread democracy, Hayes feels that the war won't be won until the "message of Jesus Christ" is brought to the people of the nation. "Everything depends on everyone learning about the birth of the Savior," Hayes has been quoted as saying. Other things that Hayes believes will end the war include letting the children of Iraq know that there is no Easter bunny, and providing the Iraqi troops with bubble gum. After all, who can be angry when they've got bubble gum?

I Let Mel Gibson Ride Shotgun Award
There's nobody who deserves this award more than Judith Regan, who allegedly blamed having been fired from HarperCollins on a Jewish cabal. Of course, she is now denying heavily the claims of anti-Semitism, and also refusing to acknowledge that perhaps the notion of OJ Simpson telling how he might have (did) commit murder wasn't the best marketing decision. Looks like we've finally figured out where Mel Gibson got the "sugartits" idea, although we still don't know how to say it in Mayan.

Michael Richards is a Grinch Award
Oh, woe is the completely made-up holiday, and those who celebrate it. One high-profile Festivus celebrant is WI Governor Jim Doyle, who has been pictured in the past with his sparse, undecorated Festivus pole. The holiday, created on Seinfeld, held a special meaning for Doyle, who now will not be celebrating the holiday due to Michael Richard's racist commentary. Doyle has been quoted as saying, "What am I supposed to do this year without this completely made-up and relatively new holiday? Celebrate Christmas or something? Screw that." He then slammed a mug full of eggnog and started bellowing "Santa Baby" at the top of his lungs.

I Can't Do That, Dave Award
Drivers in Germany seem to be having more problems than recently, and the culprit behind it all is apparently the satellite navigation systems installed in their cars. More specifically, it's the way that these drivers are blindly following the directions given by these systems, leading to them driving into rivers, construction sites, and the like. This just goes to prove that just because you're old enough to drive, it doesn't mean your smart enough to not listen to a computer that can't see the actual conditions of the road. In a related story, Minnesotans panicked recently at the sight of snow. Which they see 8 months a year.

Killer Queen Award
Well, ex-queen, actually. Beauty queens have been taking a harsh rap recently, with Miss USA almost getting de-throned, Miss Teen USA being turned down as a spokesperson for MADD, and now, the news that Miss Nevada has been stripped of her title. Why? Because of new photos in a "Girls Gone Wild" vein, as the pageant winner is shown exposing herself and engaging in sexual contact with other women. Experts are too busy looking at the photos online to have any comment to give.

And with that little piece of holiday cheer, we wrap up another round of awards, our second to last for the year of 2006. We hope you have a good holiday weekend, and that you don't spend too much time in bars trying to drink away the lingering scent of old people from your nose. And hey, if you do, tilt one back for us. We'll be doing the same for you. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2006

First off, let's just get the ball rolling with a quick Happy Holidays to one and all. See, here at CSM, we're equal opportunity in our holiday greetings, not wanting to exclude anyone from our own brand of festive cheer. Well, except for the people who worship goats while standing around a bathtub wearing swim caps and tuxedos. We're just not sure what the heck's going on there, and we don't know how to wish them a happy anything.

Alright... let's move on. Only 30 more shopping minutes until the end of the awards posting!

Hand Me the Remote Award
In a recent study, the US Census Bureau came to the astonishing realization that Americans aren't exercising enough, as evidenced by the fact that they spend on average 10 hours per day watching television, reading a book, or doing some other sedentary activity. Next year, the census will report that American's are also sick of pointless "studies" that tell them what they already know.

The Kids Are Alright Award
In one of the most brilliant public relations moves ever conceived, Al Jazeera allowed themselves to be "skewered" by The Daily Show's Samantha Bee. Specifically, they allowed Bee to interact with newscasters from their (relatively new) English language channel, in an attempt to garner more viewers. By playing with Bee as opposed to against, Al Jazeera may have opened themselves up to wider exposure than they could otherwise have gotten. In a related story, FOXNews is looking to open themselves up to more viewers by having Sean Hannity appear on an episode of The 700 Club.

Like a Baby Award
We give this to GDub, for a comment made during an interview. True, the linked story features a number of comments about Cheney's imminent new granddaughter, but near the end of the article, there's a question regarding how the President sleeps. His response was, "a lot better than people would assume." The only thing about this that should surprise anyone is that GDub didn't answer the question by saying, "On my side with my teddy."

Midnight in the Garden State Award
We only say midnight because, chronologically, midnight is the start of a new day, and it appears that New Jersey is doing just that. The Garden State recently became the third state to allow civil unions between gay and lesbian couples, with Massachusetts being the only state to allow gay marriage. All four states on this particular boat are in the Northeast part of the country, causing people in San Fransisco to all contemplate moving to the opposite corner of the United States at the same time.

Creepy. Just Creepy Award
We give this to Marc Jacobs, fashion designer. Apparently, in attempting to market his newest line of clothes, Jacobs decided that the most appropriate model for his adult fashions was Dakota Fanning. The 12 year-old. Wearing specially made sizes of adult fashions. While being 12. Nevermind the film being produced that includes a rape scene with her. Nevermind that she's being overexposed so much she makes Scarlett Johansson look unemployed. It's just creepy and wrong that this child is being marketed this way. Meanwhile, keep your eyes peeled for the next big thing, as Fanning will be over-the-hill in the Hollywood sense by the time she has to wear her first bra.

Blondes Have More Fun Award
We give this to Tara Conner, who is in danger of losing her Miss USA crown (and, by now, may have already lost it) for "bad behavior". Apparently, the notion of a 20-year old blonde internationally renowned for her looks engaging in questionable moral activities never really occurred to the pageant promoters. Other things that they never realized? Straight men like the images of women in bikinis.

Leveling the Playing Field Award
This award goes to the Hollywood Foreign Press for their Golden Globe nominations, and specifically for proving once and for all that favoritism in Hollywood no longer exists. After all, I'm sure that nominating people in competition with themselves is merely a tactic to make the other nominees stand out more to the voters. Tune in next year, when Clive Owen is nominated four times for best actor, with the fifth nomination going to Owen's body double from The 300.

With that, we just can't really dig any further. Well, we could, but we're getting sleepy. All of the excitement over whether or not we'd get nominated for an award of our own this week kind of took the wind out of our sails. But hey, we don't play favorites, and we made sure to give the awards to the more deserving recipients. Come on back next week, when holiday festivities will undoubtedly be spilling all over the 'net. Until then, stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 4, 2006

We return for another installment of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. While we don't expect to be quite as long-winded as we were last week, we still aim to please, so let's get the ball rolling, shall we?

So Long, and Thanks for the Raise Award
With another session of Congress almost completed, one pressing issue seems to be hanging over the lame duck legislators. This issue? Whether or not to pass a pay raise. The Dems are claiming that they're going to try and stop the raise from going through, while the GOP believes that the raise is justified as a cost-of-living increase. Other curiosities for many legislators at present include the price of frozen pizzas, and the availability of housing in their home districts.

Keep it in the Family Award
We give this award to former Iowa Congressmen Ed Mezvinsky, who is currently in prison for fraud tied into Nigerian e-mail scams. Mezvinksy allegedly stole from clients and his own mother-in-law in an attempt to find the one 419 scam that was going to lead to his long-term wealth. Mezvinsky even used his son Marc's relationship with Chelsea Clinton to help bilk money to send overseas. With rumors that Chelsea and Marc are contemplating marriage, Ed Mezvinsky was quoted as saying, "I wonder if Bill will help with a loan. I understand that Barrister Mfume needs my help transfering $21.7M."

Everything's Coming Up Rosie Award
This one goes out to Rosie O'Donnell, who has not only reinvigorated her career by appearing on The View, but may get to reprise her role as "large naked woman" on a more full-time basis for Nip/Tuck. O'Donnell has taken the extra screen time to point out her love for Tom Cruise and taken an "I'm better than other lesbians" stance. Barbara Walters was quoted as saying, "That's just Wosie being Wosie. We aw wove hew wowk. Whewe awe my teeth? I'm a newscastew..."

How Embarassing Award
What's worse than showing up to a reception wearing the same dress as another woman? How about when three other women are wearing the gown? And you're the First Lady? This happened recently at a White House holiday reception. When asked about the incident, Laura Bush responded with, "How the hell should I know about it? And since when is this news?" George reportedly had his bedtime story read by all four women, alternating through the pages so as to keep from confusing him.

I'm Not Listening, La La La La Award
This award goes out to GDub, for the way he has responded to the recent study on the way that the Iraq War has been handled. Basically, because the committee, headed up by long-time Bush friend James Baker, told The Decider things he didn't want to hear, he's going to ignore the findings, going so far as to say that "Jim Baker can go back to his day job." GDub has a history of ignoring reports, such as the reports about his twin daughters not following in his own drug- and alcohol-laced footsteps, or that he shouldn't really wipe his nose on his jacket.

Lesbians are Mothers, Too Award
We give this award to Mary Cheney, who has announced a recent pregnancy with her long-time partner, Heather Poe. Conservative groups are fighting over the notion of a gay couple raising a child. Gay rights groups are feeling that this is just desserts for conservatives that sought to ban gay unions. Meanwhile, VPCheney praised his lesbian daughter's pregnancy, because children with only one legal parent fuel his soul machine better than other babies.

Didn't We See This on Studio 60? Award
The recipient for this award is Jennifer Hudson, star of the upcoming Dream Girls. In recent interviews, Hudson proclaimed homosexuality a sin, because the Bible says so, but then also said that she personally has no issues with it, thereby almost exactly mirroring the character portrayed by Sarah Paulson on Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip. When questioned about this, Hudson responded by saying, "Listen, it's not like I'm paraphrasing the words of that Corddry kid."

It's Not the Size Award
After last week's award for the spray-on condoms, how could we not pass an award to the Indian Council of Medical Research, for their findings that approximaely 60% of the men in Mumbai were unable to use condoms set to international standards. Apparently, the international specifications were a little, um, large for Indian men, in some cases by a couple of inches. In light of this recent study, aptly titled, "Indian Men Don't Measure Up", I think it's abundantly clear where the test market for last week's Germans should be. Oh, and to any Indian readers out there? Sincere apologies for using the word "abundantly".

Well, that wraps up another week's look at the news, complete with our scatter-shot approach to delivering the stories to you. We'll see you next week, as we inch ever closer to the inevitable Santa Claus story, and we keep hoping for something white to appear on the ground. Until then, stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 27, 2006

Wow. Another Friday has fallen upon us here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind, and it's another Friday where we find ourselves sitting in front of our computers, as opposed to last week, where we were still soaking up the inherent laziness now associated with the Thanksgiving holiday. True, we deprived everyone last week, but that's why we're going to jump into our awards ceremony without further ado. And without gift bags (not that anyone would accept a CSM gift bag, honestly).

Marriage Made in Heaven, Divorce Made in Kazakhstan Award
The recent news that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are already heading down the divorce trail didn't really come as a shock to anyone with a pulse and more awareness than Anna Nicole Smith. However, the notion that the two are getting divorced because of Borat seems a little far-fetched, even for these two epitomes of white trashiness. When reminded that Borat is merely a character, Kid Rock replied with, "Oh yeah? Well, uh, in your face," proving that the wordsmith that once rhymed "out west" with "fake breasts" is still alive and well.

On Second Thought, I'll Just Have Peanuts Award
This award goes to the Department of Homeland Security, for the recent admission of another program to gather information on terror suspects. Called the Automated Targeting System, it includes a number of different subjects based off of travel, such as how the tickets were paid for, history of one-way travel, and even the meals they ate, with all this information being compiled to find a terror score. With this recent development, hospital food is now only four times as unappealing as airline food, a severe drop from recent years.

One Nation Under Our God Award
We give this to all the people in the United States who have an issue with Congressman-elect Keith Ellison (D-MN) for requesting that he be sworn in on the Qu'ran. Apparently the notion of a Muslim being sworn in on his religion's holy book is offensive to the Bible-bangers out there. Nevermind the notion of freedom of religion assured in the Constitution. We simply have to remember that Ellison's request is actually trying to destroy the moral fabric of America. Other things that are slowly destroying the moral fabric of America include unwarrented searches, unjustified attacks, and unattainable electronics.

I Like Kurt Russell Movies, and Universal Health Care Award
This goes out to the growing number of Democratic candidates who are already vying for the opportunity to lose the chance to become President by posting profiles on MySpace and similar sites. This trend has also reached into candidates creating messages for podcasting purposes. Keep your eyes open for Hilary Clinton's profile, which will naturally assure the American people that a) it's time for a new direction for this country, and b) Janet Reno's a man, baby.

This is Not Funny Award
We give this to the people of Ohio, for the way that they unintentionally made things difficult for a news crew during election season. After all, when Borat (he sneaks in everywhere, doesn't he) is the big talk of the country, it can never be easy for a legitimate Kazakh newscrew attempting to create a documentary about voting. The poor newscrew even included a cameraman named "Bolat", who was forced to regale the onlookers with stories about how his mother did not actually drink horse urine. Students at Ohio State University, when informed by the State Department that the crew was legitimate, stated, "Aw, man... we were hoping to score some free beer for being made to look like asses. Hey look, kegger!"

People, People, It's Just a Game Award
We give this to the overzealous gamers who have been experiencing problems with their Nintendo Wii's. Not only have controllers flown from the gamers hands, crashing into (and sometimes through) televisions and beer glasses, but the motion detection technology has also lead to things along the lines of tennis elbow. When asked, some Wiithusiasts were quoted as saying, "Dude, who knew that moving would hurt so much?" They were also shocked that they had enough strength after a steady diet of Mt. Dew and Doritos to cause any damage with the controllers.

The Devil's in the Details Award
We give this to Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, for admitting something about his speech in September which may have cost his country a seat on the UN Security Council. During the speech, Chavez verbally ripped apart GDub, including calling the American president a drunkard, a donkey, and the devil. According to Chavez, the speech was spur-of-the-moment, and none of the accusations were planned. Chavez did not refute whether or not he believed them. Other world leaders are now breathing sighs of relief, by realizing that they can also claim all of the name-calling they've done towards GDub or his Cabinet were simply spur-of-the-moment, regardless of the pages and pages of notes they may have had working the perfect insult into one of their speeches.

Schoolhouse Rockin' Award
Okay, so it's not really rocking, but some schools in Wyoming are trying to get their programs rolling. Students with perfect or near-perfect attendance rates can find themselves eligible to win cars from the schools, in an initiative to increase attendance overall. Students with less-than-perfect attendance records can find themselves entered into drawings to receive roller skates. No word on whether the No Child Left Behind Act will enforce that the students winning vehicles will now be expected to give rides to their less-privileged classmates.

Don't Forget Your Spray Can Award
This award is handed to German sex educators, who are looking into technology to produce spray-on condoms, for easier use and higher customization. While the cost for these products will be higher than that of standard condoms, the hope is that the ease of use would help offset those concerns. The question being raised is how to fit the spray-can into a wallet, just in case.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate Award
We give this award to GDub and Jim Webb, for their "conversation" regarding Webb's son, who is currently fighting in Iraq. The two were unable to actually converse for the most part, causing Webb to be tempted to "slug the President". Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, and neither man was punched or arrested. Webb should be aware from this point forward that "How is your son doing?" is code for "Tell me your son is fine." Oddly enough, GDub saying "There is no civil war in Iraq" is also code, translating to "I love me some pie. Mmm pie!"

Thinking Outside the Globe Award
We give this to Stephen Hawking, for once again pointing out his belief that mankind will need to leave planet Earth if we are to survive. It's a well-known fact that Stephen Hawking is much smarter than most of the rest of the planet, so there may be something to this comments. It's also a well-known fact that wearing a red shirt in space is a bad idea. Expect sales of blue and green fabric to skyrocket.

And with that, we leave this week behind us. It's been busy, and we're sure that next week will be just as action-packed. Hang on to your Wii, and stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 13, 2006

We return for another round of Coffee-Soaked Awards in this, the week before Thanksgiving. Next week is a short week for us here at the Excerpts, so we may have a couple of weeks before the next awards (or you may get some on Wednesday, and have to wait a week and a half before the follow-up installment). Either way, we should get this weeks awards rolling, so let's get this show started.

The Man Upstairs Award
We give this to out-going Chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, James Inhofe (R-OK) who stresses that there is no reason to worry about global warming. Part of his reasoning for this is that he seems to have found evidence that it's only the northern hemisphere that's warming (isn't that the side where the US is?). His other bit of reasoning is that we have no need to worry because "God's still up there". Representatives for God have confirmed that he is indeed "up there" but that is largely because it's so much cooler where the air is thinner.

Much Ado About Nothing Award
This award goes to the town of Bracciano, Italy, for the huge amount of work they've undertaken to make themselves presentable, from street sweeping to changing menu items. Why all the work? Well, the town is hosting the wedding of Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes this weekend. The town believes that this is a chance for them to be remembered and noticed worldwide. Not wanting to be outshone, Assisi has offered to host the divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, if only to give them another excuse to empty the public ashtrays.

Much Ado About Something Award
This goes out to Sony, which has created yet another fervor with the release of their Playstation 3 video game console. Shoppers eager to get a console on the first day faced cold temperatures, long lines, and, in some cases, arrests in attempting to secure the $500 machine. While many who purchased the system were doing so for their own use, some were hoping to make a quick buck by selling it off on eBay. In an interesting coincidence, waiting in line for days without any sense of personal hygiene didn't worsen the chances of any of those waiting to acquire dates in the near future.

Putting Sexy Back in the News Award
Stephen Colbert was recently named to People Magazine's "Sexiest" list, joining the likes of George Clooney and Taye Diggs. On his own show, Colbert proceeded to mock James Dean for being left off the list, due to no longer being alive. Others that Colbert could have mocked? Rasputin, Alexander the Great, and Marc Anthony. After all, nobody can convince us that the last guy listed by us is still alive by any means.

A Rose by Any Other Name Award
Recently, while bemoaning the notion of OJ Simpson receiving a television special called "If I Did It", set to be aired on FOX, Bill O'Reilly made the comment that FOX Broadcasting and FOXNews were not affiliated. In fact, he made it sound as though it were undeniably true that the two were different organizations. In his defense, O'Reilly also doesn't think that Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, or Ivanka Trump were all created at the impetus of the same person.

Penguins in Rhinestones Award
We give this out to the book And Tango Makes Three, a book currently in hot water in Shiloh, Illinois, for having the audacity to relate for children the (true) story of two male penguins who raised a chick of their own together, without any female penguins being involved. Some parents are complaining that the book, written for 4-8 year olds, should be moved to a more mature section because of the homosexual themes. Oddly enough, many of the parents who complained later went home to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", prefering that their gays not be covered in feathers, once again leaving Elton John in the dark.

A Step in a Direction Award
Continuing the gay theme, we're going to give this one out to the Pentagon, for recently reclassifying homosexuality. They previously had homosexuality listed as a mental disorder, but now it is being classified as a "condition" similar to bed-wetting or fear of flying. While this doesn't change the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, it could lead to gays about to be discharged pointing out that it was a much more satisfying way to make a mess of the sheets.

Wonder Why Award
In recent conversations about why the GOP lost so many seats this past year, Rep. Adam Putnam (R-FL) pointed out that "white rednecks...didn't show up to vote for us." Perhaps this could have a little to do with referring to them as rednecks? Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall were not able to be reached for comment, while Ron White proceeded to make jokes about why he divorced his wife.

Thank You Award
We give this, in our eyes deservedly so, to Sasha Baron Cohen, who recently came out to defend himself from all of the attacks springing up about Borat. Cohen pointed out in a recent interview that the joke is not, and has never been, on Kazakhstan. The joke has always been on the people who believe the Kazakhstan he portrays could ever exist. Nationwide, millions of people without any sense of irony are scratching their heads as one, trying to determine where this parallel-universe Kazakhstan could possibly exist.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the weekend, and we'll see you on Monday. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 6, 2006

Welcome once again to our awards posting, here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind. This week, we've seen an election come and go, and watched as a new balance of power has taken over the ranks of government. But that's far from all we've seen, so let's get this ball rolling.

A Little Hasty Award
With the fact that Democrats have now taken control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate, it seems like MSNBC may be jumping all over themselves in a flurry of being a little quick on the trigger. Their most recent poll is a fine example. Tomorrow, the news organization is planning on putting up a new poll... "What did you think of Studio 60 on Monday, 11/13?"

Better Late Than Never Award
Earlier this week, GDub was given the task of announcing the resignation of "Gin" Rummy. Now that he's resigned, Rumsfeld has admitted that the war in Iraq hasn't been going "well enough or fast enough." Admittedly, it's plausible that Rumsfeld wasn't describing the war effort, but was actually talking about other things. Other possible subjects include his severance package, the martini he ordered at the bar, or the resignation of deceptive and incompetent people from positions of power.

Zombies in Office Award
It's not often when the dead can win elections, but it does happen. Just recently, in North Carolina, a dead man won a place on the Soil and Water Conservation board by 12,000 votes, although apparently many didn't know he was dead. During his acceptance speech, Sam Duncan was quoted as saying, "I feel strongly about the condition of our environment.... brains...... and want to ensure.... ghhhhhhh..... for years to come."

Borat Backlash Award
The backlash against the movie and character continue, as two frat boys have now filed a lawsuit, claiming that they were misrepresented when they signed their official release form. They also claim that they were plied with liquor both before and during their interview for the film, and later paid a paltry sum of $200/person. This is appalling to think about. After all, who knew that now you have to start paying frat boys to get them to drink excessively?

Jesus Has Left the Camp Award
The summer camp featured in the documentary Jesus Camp, and had been visited in the past by disgraced preacher Ted Haggard, will be shutting its doors for a few years. Apparently, they no longer consider themselves to be a "safe ministry". The camp also doesn't understand why people would think that they were brainwashing children. Children who had previously attended the camp all were quoted as saying, "The Fire Center is awesome. Ted Haggard didn't do any gay stuff. We love George Bush," followed by unintelligible gibberish, said to be spoken in tongues.

Greater Absorbency Award
Tony Snow gets this award, for his recent press conference on how GDub has been handling the election returns. Snow is quoted as saying, "The President doesn't absorb a rejection." Other things that the President doesn't absorb include basic addition, water spilt on the kitchen floor, or actual pronunciation.

Munchian Tribute Award
We give this to Jon Stewart and Howard Dean, for the appearance on The Daily Show where Stewart tried to goad Dean into once again letting loose his campaign-destroying scream. Dean, to his benefit, let slip a little "booyah." Other times the Dean has loosed the scream have included when he found an awesome parking spot, and when he realized his favorite breakfast cereal was on sale.

One Loss Leads to Another Award
In Rhode Island, defeated senator Lincoln Chafee not only lost the election. He may have lost his faith in the Republican Party. Chafee is being asked if he is planning on leaving the GOP to become either a Democrat or an Independent. It should also be noted that this week, Chafee also lost his pet turtle, an arrangement of flowers, and his car keys. The keys were eventually found underneath a couch cushion. He will be checking the loveseat for his faith in the GOP.

Think of the Children Award
Due to his upcoming divorce from Britney Spears, K-Fed (who many have already christened Fed-Ex) is now attempting to make sure he continues to get some money from Spears. He's asking for custody of both children. Of course, Federline has already renamed both children "Meal Ticket" in an attempt to show fatherly concern.

Running with Rock, Paper, Scissors Award
Oh those wacky Canadians. They once again prove themselves to be on the leading edge of the sporting world by holding an international rock, paper, scissors tournament, with a grand prize of C$10,000. The world hasn't paid this much attention to Canada since the last curling championships, or the last time Celine Dion escaped from her usual captivity to perform another heart-pounding rendition of her songs.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We can think of no other person who deserves this award more than Ed Bradley, and, as we've never met him personally, we can think of no better way to honor him. The consummate journalist passed away recently, and proved himself in a class all his own. May the spirit of Edward R. Murrow go with him.

That sums up our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 30, 2006

Well, everyone, Halloween has come and past, and that means it's time for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. There's been a few items that have caught our attention this week, so let's get this ball rolling.

You're Number One Award
A school bus driver has filed a grievance this week for having lost her job back in June. How did she lose her job, you might ask? Why, by giving GDub a "shamefully crass gesture" while driving a busfull of students. The President apparently commented shortly after the incident happened by saying "That one's not a fan." Unfortunately for GDub, he was thinking a ceiling fan, and still believes the bus driver to be a strong supporter of his administration.

I'm Taking My Studio and Going Home Award
After Tom Cruise was let loose from his long-term (and high-cost) contract with Paramount, he decided he was going to play with a new ball, and brokered a deal for himself and partner Paula Wagner to practically run United Artists. Once established by and for artists like Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks, this move should bring UA in a new direction. Newly announced pictures coming from UA include "Battlefield Earth 2: Losing More Money", "Dianetics: The Motion Picture", and "L. Ron Hubbard's Cult of Affluence".

Intelligence Reading Award
We give this award to Porter Goss, who, like George Tenet before him, may be following up his departure from the position leading the CIA with a book. While the book has not been confirmed, Goss is also claiming that it will not be a tell-all book. Early guesses as to what the book contains will include sentences like, "After that, I told that he could ." and "Rummy plays a mean banjo."

OMG! Haxx0r3d!!!1! Award
Across the country, people have been worried about the Diebold voting machines that seem to be popping up in districts everywhere. These machines are supposedly, according to Diebold, completely secure in how they transmit the data. Apparently, this isn't completely the truth. Other things that Diebold finds secure include Kryptonite bicycle locks, and leaving your doors unlocked while spending a week in the Bahamas.

A Joke is a Joke Award
We give this to John Kerry, for his "joke" regarding education and laziness of thought. The joke, quite obviously, came across as more of an insult than anything else. However, the words Kerry spoke have already made him the surprise favorite to win in Last Comic Standing 4.

I'm Not... Well... Maybe a Little Award
This goes out to Ted Haggard, pastor of the New Life Church, and one of the more vocal regarding the evils of homosexuality. Apparently, Haggard is currently being accused of having paid a male escort for both a homosexual affair, and for drug use. Haggard immediately denied the claims, then proceeded to place himself on leave from the Church and admitted that some of what has been said is true. Who would've thought that a person holding a position of power within a church would ever have sexual contact with their same gender? It's just shocking, I tell ya.

Bombs in the Tubes Award
Given how the administration uses "the Google", it's not much of a shock to learn that there has been an incredible resource for those looking to put together nuclear technology. That resource? A government run website. This site, recently taken down, included information about how to put together your own nuclear bomb. Iran and North Korea were both quoted as saying, "Oh crap. And we did all that work, too. We KNEW we should've just googled 'nuclear bomb'."

How to Lose an Election in 10 Days Award
This award goes to Mike Hatch, current attorney general and gubernatorial candidate in the state of Minnesota, not for his running mates lack of knowledge of E-85, but for his own verbal explosions, ranging from claiming that there's a cabal trying to keep him out of office to calling a reporter "Republican whore". Hatch, of course, insists that he called the reporter a "hack" instead. In related news, Mel Gibson is now saying that he never said "sugartits" when arrested. What he said instead was "succulent melons".

Around the World with Borat Award
In one of our rare pieces of praise, we have to hand it to Sasha Baron Cohen, the man behind Borat. Not only has he proceeded to appear on practically every show ever created, including a surprise double appearance both on "To Tell the Truth" and "The Dick Cavett Show", but he has continued to lure people into believing that he is truly a reporter from a (relatively) backwards nation. Take a chance this weekend to watch as the inevitable backlash occurs, and guess how long it'll be before Parisite Hilton starts talking about the time Borat got her to ride a pony, a la Catherine the Great.

Well, that does it for another weekly round-up of stories that piqued our interest. Come back next week when we get to discuss how the election results have played out and watch the candidates that don't think the votes were representative of the people (Lieberman, we're looking at you). Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 23, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. This week, with the holiday looming, we're going to put a bit of a Halloween spin on the awards. Yes, we know that Halloween isn't until Tuesday, but we want to be slightly ahead of the blogosphere on this one. Without further ado, let's get the skull rolling.

Toil and Trouble Award
News from the NRCC is that they are spending over 90% of their total advertising budget running negative campaign ads. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who's actually ingested any form of media over the last month or so. Upcoming spots will, of course, cast Hillary Clinton as a treacherous, plastic surgery-created vampire, and Amy Klobuchar will be accused of feasting on the souls of children. The downside is that GDub will get scared of the boogeyman and hide in the Oval Office for the next month.

Ain't Nothing But a Race Thing Award
This goes out to Tony Snow, everyone's favorite talking head, for thinking he's a bit "quaint" in not seeing the big deal over the outcry regarding the racist ads run in Tennessee. Snow firmly believes that the race card is always pulled when African American candidates run for office. Other things that Snow believes include that zombies exist in small communities in Michigan, and that kittens make excellent sandwich fixings.

Attack of the Living Kazakhs Award
Borat is gaining momentum with only a week to go before the movie opens. Now a Kazakh comic is planning on visiting London to get comic justice on Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Borat, for his portrayal of Kazakhstan. Jantemir Baimukhamedov is supposedly planning on bring Cohen's mother horse sausage and urine, to fuel his revenge and prove that Kazakhstan is not a backwards nation. Of course, first Baimukhamedov has to figure out how to fuel his sheep-powered wagon and find ways to express his desire "for to be making the funny".

Asking for It Award
Kevin Federline recently made a statement regarding how people feel about him. Specifically, he said, "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me." Unfortunately for the world as a whole, the reporter K-Fed spoke to didn't have the guts to admit that we already do.

Full Moon Award
No, this isn't what you're thinking. This goes out to the change in views expressed by Hillary Clinton regarding same-sex marriage. Whereas 2000 featured Hillary very opposed to the concept, she is now willing to embrace those who support it. Other changes Hillary has undergone over the past 6 years include a willingness to let a werewolf finally visit New York after it's done touring Paris and London, and a nod towards plastic surgery, by saying, "You know, maybe it would keep Bill around more if I at least did some botox."

It's a Doppelganger Award
This goes out to the Ohio Republican Party, for running a photo of Al Franken wearing a diaper and bunny ears. Problem is, the photo was obviously a composite, and obviously a fake. Other images that did not receive coverage included Keith Olbermann sucking his thumb while wearing overalls, Bill Clinton playing teeball with Roger, and, in a rare positive image for the GOP, placing Ann Coulter's head on the body of a woman.
Honorable mention goes to Elizabeth Hasselback, for finally rubbing enough brain cells together to realize that someone was making fun of her.

It's Only Torture if The Other Guy's Crying Award
We give this to VPCheney, for his admission of using the technique called "waterboarding" in the interrogation of criminals. Of course, Cheney doesn't feel that waterboarding is torture in the slightest, just a harsh form of interrogation. In all fairness, the VP didn't think waterboarding was torture when he first invented it, all while a young page slaving away for noteriety within the Spanish Inquisition.

Good Idea, Bad Idea Award
We give this to the United Nations. Good idea? Placing a peacekeeping force between Israel and Lebanon. Bad idea? Using Germans as the main peacekeepers. After all, there's not much love lost between Israel and Germany, and, as anyone who happens to have a Jewish grandmother knows, the Israelites have a notoriously long memory. Although it is a step up from the other proposed peacekeeping force... Syria.

Well, that wraps us up for another week. Have a good weekend, don't worry too much about what goes bump in the night, and stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards, where we try and skewer as many stories as possible in a short span of time. Let's get things underway...

Don't Ask, Don't Vote Award
Republicans are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to make it known that they aren't anti-homosexual. As it turns out, they aren't really against gay rights, they just have to act, speak, and legislate that way because "that's where the votes are". In other news, the GOP is also going to come out as being in favor of limiting our role in Iraq, and of being against corporate kickbacks. Also, they don't truly think they are the party of God, but they are told to act that way by the Archangel Gabriel.

Our Hole's Bigger Than Your Hole Award
The hole in the ozone layer isn't getting any smaller. Even though the chemicals thought responsible for the hole were phased out twenty years ago, the hole has grown to about the size of North America. Finally, we have something to brag about at the Interplanetary Reunion, while we continue to laugh at Pluto's relocation to the children's table.

Well Duh Award
This award title could almost become a weekly feature. This time around we hand it out to the National Bureau of Economic Research, who released a study letting us know that FOXNews has influence over how people vote. This is due, at least partially, to the highly slanted style of "fair and balanced" that FOXNews presents (both "fair" and "balanced" being trademarks of the GOP). The author of the report even mentions that FOXNews may have "induced a general ideological shift." Future studies from the NBER include "Thumbs; Making Us Different Than Gerbils" and "Whatever Happened to Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' Campaign?"

Now You See It Award
Scientists have announced that they've created a sort of invisibility cloak, which works by deflecting light away from the object it's concealing. So far, they've been able to mostly shield a cylinder from microwaves, all while leaving a small shadow. Said scientists are, of course, trying to work on perfecting actual invisibility. After they achieve their goal, the individuals working on this technology may finally find out what the inside of a woman's bedroom looks like.

I'm So Sowwy Award
Kim Jong Il, the star of Team America: World Police, has announced that he is sorry for the nuclear weapons test. He even made mention that he may return to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, his aides are continuing the rhetoric that they will mount an offensive if sanctions get too harsh. Maybe they all need to get together into a well-choreographed, but ultimately stiff and puppet-like, dance number. Then maybe Kim won't be so "wonwy".

Run Away Award
We give this to Katherine Harris, who is not only slated to lose the seat she is campaigning hard in Florida for, but may lose many other seats in the deal. Harris is purportedly planning on selling her Washington, D.C. house to raise funds for her campaign. In all honesty, she is probably selling the house because she realizes the futility of her campaign, and doesn't foresee the need to spend much time in the nation's capitol.

Read My Lips Award
We give this to Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), for uttering those fatal words while standing by a debunked campaign ad. DeWine's assertion is that the ad is completely true, ignoring all the facts that prove him otherwise. Others who have said those words before a total lie include Paris Hilton, who said it before she announced her year of celibacy, and Mahatma Ghandi, before he swore he would "totally beat the ass of anyone who stepped on his sandals again."

It Worked For "The Office" Award
CBS has announced that it is the next network to bring over a non-game show from the UK. The import this time? The quirky, hard to classify "Viva Blackpool!". Hugh Jackman is listed as a possible guest star/executive producer. CBS is obviously hoping to gain the success of "The Office", while avoiding the pitfalls of "Coupling". Not wanting to be left out, ABC is looking to bring over "Benny Hill", and cast Andy Dick as the star.

The Passion of Madonna Award
NBC is going to be airing a special of Madonna's newest concert. Of course, the scene that drew the most ire during her tour, the crucifixion scene, will not be getting airtime. NBC, who recently let go of 700 staffers, is obviously trying to keep viewership from dropping them below even the CW in ratings. However, with some of the "sketches" used on NBC's "Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip" (and I use the word sketches loosely), NBC may want to consider reinserting Madonna on a cross, if only to allow Aaron Sorkin to write another almost funny bit about Christianity. Of course, as we all remember, Madonna already did the flogging reenactment years ago.

Is She Gone Yet? Award
I am an unabashed fan of Scarlett Johansson. I freely admit this. By the same token, isn't it time for her to take a bit of a break and let some other starlets soak up some silver screen time? Seriously, it seems like ever since Lost in Translation, she's had a movie in theaters almost every week. With The Prestige opening today, she adds another one to her belt. Future projects include another 17,203 films, guest appearances on every television show ever created (watch for her appearance in episode three of "I Love Lucy") and black market slave trades.

Well, that wraps up yet another week of awards. Thanks for joining us yet again as we stomp our way through the world's events. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. Let's get this ball rolling.

ZOMG! P4wnz3d n00b! Teh sux0rz! Award
To everyone involved in the ongoing Foley instant message scandal. It's almost like none of these people have ever seen the internet (which, as we were all informed over the summer, is a series of tubes). Recent information points out that the FBI would have been involved in this investigation a lot earlier, but they were busy pretending to be 16 year old girls, thereby dropping the ball.

Freudian Slip of the Tongue Award
This goes out to Keith Olbermann, for saying exactly what most of America was thinking regarding the Paris Hilton/Shanna Moakler "fight", but doing it through captions. Unfortunately, Keith seems to have forgotten that he's on MSNBC, and not on ESPN or even Comedy Central. Ultimately, Mr. Olbermann may be in trouble with FOXNews, who is upset that they didn't come up with the "A Slut and Battery" angle first. Well, O'Reilly did, but he settled out of court.

And They Didn't Even Buy Dinner Award
This goes out to Christopher Shays (R-Conn, Bridgeport), who defended the actions taken at Abu Ghraib prison as not torture, but instead a "sex ring". Rep. Shays also believes that shooting someone is not attempted murder, but a simple game of laser tag gone a little wild.

Stand By Your Man Award
This goes out to GDub, for standing firmly in the idea that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is a boon to not only the GOP, but to the country as a whole. The Decider was quoted as saying, "He's not one of these Washington politicians who spews a lot of hot air. He just gets the job done." Thankfully, this statement is coming from an authority on spewing a lot of hot air.

Understating the Obvious Award
This award goes out to new British army chief Gen. Richard Dannatt, who was recently commenting that the presence of British forces is provoking violence in Iraq, not stemming the tide. Other things that Dannatt has been quoted as saying are, "the polar ice caps are bloody cold," and "the English like their tea."

Me, Too Award
We give this to Madonna, for attempting to be more like Angelina Jolie and adopting a Malawian baby. In an obvious publicity stunt, the Material Girl ensured that plenty of "news" organizations knew of her every move planning to adopt. It is somewhat heartening to hear that the 1 year-old child has already taken to referring to Kabbalah as, "better than scientology, but just as wacky."

Private Parts Award
The RNC recently made a goof, and let slip a list of personal information for top GOP donors in an email to the New York Sun, amongst others. This causes many to wonder about the security precautions being taken by the party who has championed extra security measures since 2001. As for the reporter who received the email, they did the noble thing, and of course made a point of setting up interviews with some of the people on the list. Other measures the RNC has taken include setting all telephones to the "speaker phone" option, and offering the eBay accounts of top donors to other top donors.

Black Like Me Award
We hand this to Angelina Jolie, for her insistence on refusing to accept the notion that black-face stopped being popular decades ago. Jolie is slated to play Mariane Pearl, who is half-black, in an upcoming movie. To help the film, they've even darkened Jolie's naturally pale skin tone. This casting move is being followed by news that Danny Glover will be playing Brendan Behan in a film about the Irish dramatist. There's also rumors that Britney Spears is being talked to about playing someone with class.

Queer Eye for the Commander Guy Award
We grant this award to NBC's Kevin Corke, who was able to get the Decider to compliment his fashion sense by wearing a pinstripe suit in the press corps. It's nice to know that, with the threat of North Korea looming around the corner and scandal bursting out all over Washington, D.C., GDub can still take some time out of his busy schedule to admire another man's suit. Looks like the Fab Five may have a sixth in a couple of years.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Sure, there was a lot more that happened, but our brains our fried. Chalk it up to being Friday the 13th. Avoid black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors, and stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 2, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's get this thing rolling.

Stopping the Buck Award
The recipient of this award is one Dennis Hastert, leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. When the Foley scandal was announced, Hastert quickly said that he accepts responsibility. But not at the cost of his job, no matter what others may say. Hastert also accepts personal responsibility for the scuff in the door of your car, so long as it doesn't affect his insurance quote, and the high price of caviar.

I Want It All Award
To Google, Inc. for making plans to purchase YouTube for the price of $1.6B. This would ultimately be a win-win for both companies, as YouTube would gain Google's infrastructure, and Google would gain a wealth of videos showcasing people smacking themselves in the crotch.

Backdoor Fundraising Award
This goes out to VP Cheney, for his efforts to covertly raise money for George Allen. This comes shortly after much of the GOP turned their backs on Allen and his racially charged history. When asked for comment, the VP said, "What? He's white and he's not gay. What's the big deal?"

How Bad is Bad Award
We give this award to Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania) for running a television commercial admitting an affair, but denying having abused his mistress. Sherwood's next commercial will be an admission of having taken LSD, but denying having climbed a tree thinking he was a flying squirrel while on it.

Maybe a Few Left Behind Award
This goes out to Neil Bush, brother of the Decider, for seeing a marketing opportunity within the No Child Left Behind Act. He's rolling out packages containing curriculums that are purported to help students pass the NCLB tests. The biggest shame is that GDub himself needed two of the "curriculums on wheels" to get 50% on the testing.

How Low Can You Go Award
This award is presented to the Vatican, and specifically to Pope Benedict XVI, for the notion currently swirling around regarding the elimination of the concept of Limbo, thereby changing centuries of Catholic doctrine. The unbaptized babies of the Limbo plane are currently organizing a revolution to rename the entire place The People's Republic of Limbo.

We'll Clean That Up in Post Award
FOXNews is the winner of this particular prize for their coverage during the O'Reilly Factor concerning former congressman Mark Foley. During a live broadcast, FOXNews identified the Republican as having been a Democrat. Not to wind up with egg on their faces over the incident, they repaired their mistake... by leaving all signifiers off for the rebroadcast. To be fair, CNN has taken to referring to Joe Lieberman as a Republican.

Better Homes and Hair Award
This award goes to Bill Clinton and Jon Bon Jovi, for joining forces to help rebuild neighborhoods in Philadelphia. This is a good sign for the city of Philadelphia, and shows that some celebrities are willing to give back to the community. In other news, neighborhood bars have been packed with young hopefuls, expecting to "give back" a little of their own to the former President and/or Bon Jovi frontman.

That's all we've got for this week, folks. Tune in next week as we return to our full schedule. Stay safe out there.

Coffee Soaked Awards - Week of 25 September 2006

It's a short week for us here at our caffeinated headquarters, so we're launching into our weekly awards a day early. Without further ado...

The Impossible Dream Award
NASA scientists are all atwitter over some of the first high quality shots ever of the Victoria Crater on Mars. A few even go so far as to call it a "dream come true." Other dreams that have yet to come true for these scientists are the first ever leak-proof pocket protector, and actually getting a girl's phone number in a bar.

Insider Intelligence Award
Sen. Mike DeWine of Ohio admitted to having only recently read the intelligence reports on Iraq, after the thought that the US-led war may actually be fueling more terrorism. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. However, DeWine is on the Senate Intelligence Committee, and was briefed on the reports back in April. DeWine's excuse? "I got really wrapped up in one of those Sudoku puzzles."

Thanks for Playing Award
We pass this along to Tony Snow, who seems to finally be starting to catch up with the rest of the world. In a recent press conference, the Snowjob made it clear that he understands that "there are a number of jihadists, united by an ideology that they do want to kill us." He also claimed a lack of surprise over this. To be fair, Snow just recently discovered that the sun is hot, and that Gigli was an awful movie.

I Can't Believe it's Not Goat Award
We give this to our friends from Kazakhstan, who have decided to continue their proactive assault against Borat by taking out a four-page advertisement to defend themselves against the film. The Kazakhs have been on a special vendetta to prove that they aren't as backwards as the film will portray them to be. We're still waiting on the full ad from the socially inept in defense of their lifestyles after the release of Napolean Dynamite.

Thumb In Your Eye Award
We pass this out to Uwe Boll, for boxing the living daylights out of overweight and out-of-shape internet critics. We're just going to go on record here and say that we loved Bloodrayne. In related news, Eli Roth has challenged his critics to a sand castle building competition, which is all a thinly veiled ploy to kick sand in their eyes.

Was That a Hic or a Hick Award
We give this award to Paris Hilton, who has been officially charged with a DUI. Ms. Hilton could face prison time, although she is almost undoubtedly slated to get the obligatory celebrity slap-on-the-wrist. When this story broke, the rest of Hollywood thought about how their own abuses could reflect on the community. This was followed immediately by a party with sculptures carved out of cocaine, complete with a Cristal fountain.

I'm Getting Better Award
This award goes out to Paul Vance, the co-author of "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," who had to announce to the world at large that he was, in fact, not dead yet. Apparently an imposter had been claiming the authorship on the song since shortly after it was recorded, fooling even his own wife. Vance is planning on writing "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Black Pinstripe Suit" for his imposter's funeral.

We Could Be Heroes Award
This goes out to a number of recipients. First, to President Clinton for defending himself in what turned out to be a horribly cut-up interview. Secondly, to Keith Olbermann for once again having the gumption to lead a verbal assault on those spreading misinformation. And finally, to NBC and their new show Heroes, not only for having a good premiere and a strong tie-in blog (as we bid a fond farewell to Defaker and its comments), but for using more Indians and Japanese in their premiere than most networks will use all season.

And with that, we wrap up another awards week. We'll be back on Tuesday, so, until then, stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 18, 2006

Welcome back to another installment in our Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's just get the ball rolling, shall we?

Devil in a Blue Suit Award
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez this week called GDub "the devil". This was in reference to The Decider's appearance before the UN. A disgruntled VP Cheney was quoted as saying, "But what about all the work I've done?"

Well, Duh Award
Paris Hilton, in a discussion with the police regarding Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, admitted her lack of supreme intelligence. She apparently, "like, forgets stuff all the time". Like where she left her panties. Future news reports will reveal Nicole Richie claiming that she's a little thin, and Christopher Walken saying that he doesn't understand his choices in films either.

It's Floor Wax, It's Desert Topping, It's Both Award
This award goes out to the people at Defaker, the spoof blog purporting to follow the "real-life" of NBC's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Some people are complaining that the blog is simply a poor excuse for viral marketing, and that it's even more transparent about it's corporate ties than other Hollywood blogs. Of course, this is different from the average Hollywood blog exactly how?

Wouldn't You in His Shoes Award
This goes out to former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling, for getting arrested for public intoxication a few scant months after being indicted for fraud, conspiracy, and other crimes associated with the fall of Enron. Given the penalties Mr. Skilling is facing, it's not surprising that he was out drinking. Slightly more surprising was when Mr. Skilling blamed Enron's collapse on those "damned Jews", and then called his arresting officer "sugartits".

Take Your Pick Award
This award goes to the couples who aren't simply trying to learn whether their babies are boys or girls, but are actively trying to play God and get their desired result. While most babies are being screened to check for genetic diseases, some parents are getting the "designer baby" they always hoped for. Joe Simpson has taken this an extra step, and got his designer daughters after they had both turned 20.

The Rich Get It Award
We pass this award out to Forbes Magazine, and their annual listing of the 400 richest Americans. Apparently, for the first time in history, the list is comprised of nothing but billionaires. Of course, all of those poor people who are merely making $900M have been left shivering in the dust on the outside of the Forbes 400. Martha Stewart, who fell off the list completely after losing $395M in the past year, was recently spotted under a freeway overpass, eating baked beans straight from the can.

Throwing Up a Little Award
We, grudgingly, give this award to Rosie O'Donnell, who apparently felt the need to retaliate against some horrible crime committed by Nip/Tuck star Julian McMahon by going topless for a scene with him. Letters and cards to the star Mr. McMahon are of course appreciated, as are pictures of attractive naked people.

Prince of Peace Award
We give this out to the little church that could. The All Saints Church of California is currently having their tax-exempt status threatened for having an anti-war sermon delivered to the congregation shortly before the 2004 election. The church is vowing to go to court to protect their status. When reached for comment, Jesus Christ was quoted as saying, "Well, I'm not the Prince of War, you asshats." He then tranformed some water into a kicking wop for the All Saints picnic.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We almost feel bad giving this to Keith Olbermann, but he's earned it yet again. In his "Special Message" from September 18, he took umbrage at specific words uttered by GDub. Those words, "It is unacceptable to think." Mr. Olbermann receives this award for once again trying to prove that, even in the realm of cable news, the opportunity to think can still flourish.

Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 11, 2006

Welcome back to another weekly round-up of some of the stories that have touched our hearts.

Stupid is as Stupid Does Award
Handed out to a number of recipients this week, all with varying levels of power within their respective nations. The first two winners are GDub and Nursultan Nazarbayev, for the upcoming summit to discuss Borat. GDub is going to work to help smooth over the impact of Borat with the Kazakh president, because, if anyone knows global relations, it's The Decider. The other winner is Jim Watson of Canada, for proving that Sean Penn is just like everyone else, by announcing publicly the need to treat him just like everyone else. The three politicians are tentatively scheduling a conference call, wherein Nazarbayev and Watson try to convince GDub that Paris Hilton is more (albeit not much more) than a simple hotel.

That Doesn't Mean Us Award
To everyone's favorite talking head, Tony Snowjob. In a recent press conference, Snow decided to announce that the reason why the US isn't following Geneva Convention laws is because they're "vague". He went on to say that the Conventions have never been applied to United States activities in previous conflicts. Snow's next job is to redefine the Ten Commandments, and defend the Pharaoh by saying that the Commandments had never applied to Egypt.

Caste Away Award
The Indian government, in an attempt to finally rid themselves of the caste system, is offering money to the marriage-minded, should they offer themselves in matrimony to someone of a lower caste than themselves. This could theoretically abolish the hereditary hierarchy, as the mingling of different castes cause confusion as to which grouping the children would belong to. This tactic is already being used, albeit without the financial incentive, in America, as proven by the marriage between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A New Crusade Award
Pope Benedict receives this award, for his speech tying Islam to violence, all while painting Christianity as an ultimately peaceful religion. While a spokesman for the Vatican has stated that the Pope's words were not meant to be harmful, there has been no official apology from the head of the church himself. Of course, Pope Benedict is also currently busy with trying to determine how to secure the holy land for his religion, and whether or not he can make the breakfast dish that is his namesake.

It Is to Laugh Award
We're handing this one out to the White House press corps, which has apparently found the laughter that they had sorely missed while Scott McLellan was WH spokesman. Sources tell us that part of the laughter is brought on by Snowjob's use of hand puppets and cartoonish voices, while berating Helen Thomas for once again asking a question about factual evidence.

Colbert, Stewart, and Satan Award
This award is handed out to Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, for calling out Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central as "Godless Sodomites." Phelps then began attacking Kathy Griffin, before someone pointed out that Kathy Griffin is, by all accounts, a woman. Phelps ended the diatribe with milk and warm cookies, all while petting a kitten. A gay kitten.

Excellence in Perkiness Award
We've got to hand this one out Katie Couric, who continues to try vainly to keep the CBS evening news afloat, despite having quickly lost the shiny appeal and fresh audience. Unfortunately for Ms. Couric, people are more interested in watching syndicated episodes of Small Wonder than watching her newscast. It's possible that the robot seems slightly more real.

Excellence While Not Relenting Award
Keith Olbermann, who has made it clear in the past his overall dislike for GDub and the way the war on terror is being handled, once again opened up a can of verbal whoop-ass during his 9/11 program. Agree or not, you can't deny that his words have an impact, and it might behoove some of the other pundits out on the networks to pay attention.

That ends our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 4, 2006

Welcome back to another round of awards, as we once again take a quick trip through the past week of news.

Crikey Award
Obviously, this one goes out to the stingray that brought low the Crocodile Hunter. A freak accident has led to Animal Planet being able to finally plan a full week of programming around tributes, as opposed to footage of animals in mating season.

It's About Me Award
Hats off to Katie Couric, who took over the CBS Evening News this week, and managed to make her first broadcast even more of a news event than Rosie O'Donnell's first broadcast as a host for The View. This is doubly impressive for Ms. Couric, as she is at least one-third the size and volume of Ms. O'Donnell.

What Vanity? Award
To Vanity Fair, for finally providing the world with pictures of a child being held in the arms of Cruise/Holmes. Of course, this still doesn't prove that Suri exists, but it does prove that Tom doesn't immediately break out into hives when placed that close to an infant.

I'm Rubber and You're Glue Award
This award can is handed out to Maryland Comptroller William Donald Schaefer, who lamented the race turning into a "name-calling contest", but then followed up by referring to his opponent as "fat", amongst other things. His opponent's response was to say, "I know you are, but what am I?" She then laughed and skipped away to play on a different part of the playground.

Well Duh Award
We hand this one out to the Guardian, for their article pointing out that the next British Prime Minister may want to have a looser relationship with GDub than Tony Blair has had. The Guardian also wants us all to know that space is large, and that the Irish are considered to be heavy drinkers.

Not Quite a Seance Award
KRove gets this one, for hiring priests to exorcise the spirit of Hillary Clinton from the White House. Clinton was quoted as saying, "Ooooooooooo" a lot and rattling chains.

Somebody's Watching Me Award
This award is giving to Facebook, the online social club used almost exclusively by college students, for the newest features they've added which give users up-to-the-minute information on other users, ranging from simply logging in to whenever they've entered or ended a relationship. Facebook is boldly marching foward, and is now planning the next stage of the News Feed, by hiring shady characters to hide in bushes and tape FB users with web cameras.

Take Me Drunk I'm Home Award
This goes out to the cops that arrested Paris Hilton for her DUI, refusing to let the wisp of a socialite escape from the law, despite her protestations about having only had one drink. She also complained about how people have blown the arrest out of proportion. Much like the rest of her career.

And that ends out awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in!

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 28

Welcome to another rousing trip through the news with the Coffee-Soaked Awards!

Thanks for Paying Attention Award
This one goes out to Sen. Conrad Burns (R-MT) for telling the Governor of Montana that he should declare a fire emergency. Just like the one the governor declared over a month ago. We like to call that "being perceptive".

It's a Scream Award
After a couple of years, two famous paintings by Edvard Munch have been found and returned to their proper places in the museum in Oslo, Norway. Congratulations go out to the Norweigian police. In a side note, the little man in the painting was quoted as saying, "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Did He or Didn't He Award
Handed out to the FBI, for their wanted poster concerning one of the top ten most wanted people in the world, Osama bin Laden. The poster omits all references to the Sept. 11 attacks that bin Laden claimed responsibility for, and there's no specific reason given as to why his reward got bumped up after the attacks. Conspiracy theorists claim it's because bin Laden wasn't actually responsible for the attacks. Bin Laden's mother says it's because her son doesn't shave often enough.

You Can't Do That On Television Award
British broadcaster Channel 4 gets this one, for their plans to air a drama, shot in documentary style, about a fictional assassination of GDub. The creators are not surprised at the uproar they've already received, and are planning on also airing a program about the fictional resignation of Tony Blair. No script has been determined yet for the fictional AA meeting of Boris Yeltsin.

Excellence in Criticism Award
This week, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC delivered a stinging rebuke of "Gin" Rummy's most recent speech, where Rummy pulled out the Nazi card and was a breath away from calling his detractors traitors. Olbermann pointed out that the Bush administration also shares historical ties... to Neville Chamberlain.

Congratulations to our winners, and everyone hug a teamster this weekend.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 21, 2006

Welcome back to another awards post. Time to look at things deserving attention over the last week.

You Can't Do That on Television Award
This award goes out to Ann Coulter, for her recent appearance on Hannity & Colmes. During the conversation, Kristin Powers, who was filling in for Colmes, pointed out a few items with regards to the war on terror. Ann apparently didn't like the questions, and decided to leave the interview. Of course, her departure was not on camera, but you can hear her making it known she's going to leave.

Pass the Beans Award
This prize goes out to GDub, the great Decider. Apparently, he's a big fan of flatulence. This is all coming fast on the heels of even staunch supporters wondering about his intelligence. Maybe this is why he has so many problems meeting with foreign leaders.

Not on My Island Award
Some people in New York City are banding together in an attempt to stop Survivor from holding its new season with racially divided clans. New Yorkers are mostly complaining due to a perception of copyright infringement with the island of Manhattan.

You're Still Special to Us Award
We're handing this one out to Pluto, the little celestial body that apparently couldn't. Hey, you were a planet for awhile. The only other celestial body that can say that is Star Jones.

Heads I Stay, Tails You Go Award
Passing this one to Joe Lieberman, and not for his insistence to keep running in a race that he lost the primary. Nope, this time, the pro-war and pro-Bush Democrat is being noticed for asking for the resignation of "Gin" Rummy. Joe's apparently decided that his campaign is like Burger King, where he can have it his way, no matter how many times his way changes.

Calling it Like It Is Award
Once again, we have to end on something of an up note, and we're actually giving out this particular award twice. The first recipient is last week's good news winner, Jon Stewart, for the way he took apart GDub's August news conference, and highlighted some of the issues currently revolving around the President. The second recipient is Kristin Powers, for pointing out to Ann Coulter the truth regarding Osama bin Laden, as detailed in our first award of the week.

Thank you. Stay safe, and find good news.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 14, 2006

Sometimes ideas pop into my head, and refuse to be shaken loose. Sometimes those ideas bleed out slowly over days and days, as I attempt to make sense of them. Sometimes, those ideas forcefully release themselves. The most recent idea is of the later, and has prompted me to attempt something new for the Coffee-Soaked Fridays. Basically, this is going to be an attempt to summarize some of the more ridiculous items from the past week, some of which have already been covered.

Without further ado, I present the Coffee-Soaked Awards for the week of August14, 2006.

The Award for Most Futile Gesture
Surprisingly enough, this award has actually generated a tie between the celebrities taking out an ad hating terrorism, and the Presidential pardon of an actor convicted of moonshining decades ago. It was suprisingly neck-and-neck, but at first, it seemed that Kidman et al would take the award handily. After all, what better way to prove your dedication to democracy than to amass a list of Hollywood stars and get them to pony up the big bucks required for an ad in a newspaper. However, when you realize that GDub pardoned someone who had never served jail time, and simply wanted a (relatively minor) black mark expunged from his record, you can see exactly why this award had to be given twice this week.

The (Un-)Constitutionality Award
Domestic spying has been under fire since its existence was formally announced. However, it wasn't until this week that the program was finally declared unconstitutional, with a demand made for it to halt. After being under intense scrutiny, and with supporters clamoring over its necessity, this is a big blow to the surveillance program. However, GDub (himself a perpetual nominee for the award) solidified the victory for wire-tapping, by swearing to overturn the federal ruling. Chalk up another (possible) victory for the right to spy on our own citizens.

The "Duh" Award
The Academy Awards have been around almost as long as the movies themselves, and gifts to celebrities have often been a part of those awards, at least in recent years. Well, congratulations to the IRS for finally realizing that those gift baskets being doled out to the nominees and winners may not actually be out of nothing more than generosity and compassion. Nope, they may be given out because of hopes for financial returns and free advertising. Consequently, the IRS has decided to finally start taxing these items. Guess now the Oscar will have to be reward enough itself.
Coming in a close second is the federal judge who figured out (through hours of Holmes-ian reasoning, no doubt) that tobacco companies have been deceptive.

The Award for Excellence in Commentary
Not all awards can go out to people that have done bad and/or stupid things, and this particular award goes out to Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. Why? Well, aside from his style of news delivery, and the way that he's drilled other news programs in the past for their own pandering on an issue, this week Stewart outright accused CNN of "fearmongering", possibly in an attempt to raise ratings, especially in the face of FOXNews and MSNBC. Here's hoping that Stewart continues to unabashedly cover what he feels needs to be covered.

The Pot and the Kettle Award
This award goes out to Justin Timberlake, for his attacks against Taylor Hicks, this year's American Idol. Justin, in a recent interview, made mention of the fact that Hicks is, in his own estimation, unable to sing, and, god forbid, might be gay. Oddly enough, these same comments have been said for years about Timberlake.

So that's that. An attempt at a new direction for Fridays, and we'll see if they take off. Let me know what you think.