Bringing in the New Year

Well folks, here we are at the beginning of 2007, and we're ready for a full year worth of the little experiment we started in 2006. Sure, we've gotten our legs under us, and we're still adjusting the fast-paced world of blogging, but we're pretty certain we can adjust on the fly as new elements are thrown our way. Heck, we even made our seal a little more visible. Of course, the last week has gotten us to do some serious thinking, as any year end festivity should, and we've realized something. We may have fulfilled our blog-ligation by posting Top Ten lists to round out the year, but we forgot something even more sacred in this modern world.

We forgot to relate our New Year's Resolutions. And, well, we've got resolve. We've got plenty of resolve, both for things that we're going to continue to do and for things that we're hoping to change. But instead of boring you with our resolutions, we're simply going to keep them in our little noggins, pondering them for endless hours, and trusting that you'll be able to guess at our resolutions over the course of the next twelve months, just by reading what we have to offer. Of course, if you can think of anything we should resolve to do, feel free to let us know.

With that, we will quickly point out that, no matter how silly the world may seem, especially to those of us looking for comedy in every aspect of the world, nothing will ever be quite as silly as holding a protest against the coming year. I mean, think about it. Protesting the inevitable march of time as it bears down on you, and then vowing to protest again over (almost) the same subject in one year's time? You could certainly do worse, like protesting against more reality television, or more has-been actors being granted sitcom stardom. Much like time, these things are also inevitable.

But we here at the CSM like to think outside of the box, and instead of focusing on other futile protest possibilities, we want to offer solutions. We want to list possible subjects that you could protest on that would have a higher chance of success. Our suggestions, in no specific order, are as follows;

- Protest about the lack of really good cheese in the cafeteria
- An assembly to protest against people who don't share your preference of shoe
- Protesting to get "Lost" to finally get with the program that made them successful in the first place
- Organizing a protest to get custody of your kids, set to the tune of "Popazao" (warning; suggestion is KFed specific)
- Protesting about the lack of quality protests in your area.

Honestly, the list can go on and on, but we've got signs and placards to make. We'll see you tomorrow, with more news. We hope.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 25, 2006

Well, everyone, 2006 has been one heck of a year for us here at the CSM, and we didn't even get started until halfway through. Who knows what doing this for a full year could hold?

But enough of that navel gazing nonsense. We need to focus, buckle down, and conquer the task at hand. Which, of course, means that, for the final time in 2006, we need to launch into our weekly awards. Let's get it started!

Future Success Now Award
We give this award to Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend, for her belief that Osama bin Laden's continued freedom is not a failure. In fact, she classified it a "success that hasn't occurred yet." Other successes yet to occur include putting a colony on Mars, securing North Korean disarmament, and convincing GDub to read the entire report by the Iraq Study Group.

The Mighty Continue to Fall Award
There are those that say that the closing of a web-based fansite is a tragic, yet beautiful moment. True, those that say such things don't count in the many, but they do exist. That will make, for those individuals, January 31, 2007 a tragically beautiful day, as one of the top Britney Spears fansites, WorldofBritney.com closes. And with so many alcohol fueled nipple slips remaining in her career, too. So long, WorldofBritney.com... we hardly knew ye.

Best of Both Worlds Award
This prize easily goes to GDub, for being able to top the AP-AOL poll as both the best villain and best hero of 2006. Just proves that The Decider really does reach across party lines. Honorable mentions for villain included Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, and Karl Rove. Honorable mentions for heroes? Well, the cast of Heroes, which is fitting, given their characters.

Bang Your Head Award
We've got to hand it to the Chinese. Suffering through a slow recovery to their telecom systems in the wake of recent earthquakes, they've found a new way of telling when a quake might strike, by watching a group of head-bangers. No, not metal enthusiasts, but snakes. By observing the snakes, the Chinese scientists can predict an earthquake days in advance. They can also predict another horrifying Poison reunion tour.

Happiness is a Warm Puppy Award
Apparently, in Germany, happiness can also be gathered by selling said warm puppy to a bar owner, in exchange for beer. That's exactly what an unemployed man did while walking his 6-year-old stepdaughter's pet beagle. Funny, we really expected this story to be originating in Ireland, not Germany.

Well, at Least We Know Award
Sometimes, we find out that we needed information we didn't realize we needed. Other times, we learn that the most popular name for dogs in NYC is Max. No word on the most popular name for dogs later redeemed for beer.

Enhancing Stereotypes Award
We give this award to Toxoplasma gondii, which is a parasite apparently found in 40% of the world's population. While dangerous to the unborn and to those with weak immune systems, the overall symptoms of the parasite appear to be causing men to have lower IQs and act more boorish, while women infected with the parasite tend to appear more attractive and confident to the opposite sex. This skews the standard belief that all that was needed to make a woman more attractive was to find a brainy girl, and take off her glasses while letting down her hair.

But He Seemed So Normal Award
This one goes to Mike Tyson, who seemed so normal, refined, and in control until we found out that he was recently arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Now, we all realize that he's just trying to be like Nicole Richie, but really, the voice already isn't doing him any favors. If only he could find some outlet for his problems... say, boxing, perhaps.

The Canon Is After Me Award
We don't like to admit that, every once in awhile, we surf YouTube. Mostly because 99.9% of the stuff posted on YouTube makes Charlie Sheen look like Lawrence Olivier. That being said, every once in awhile, something brilliant comes across; something that makes us laugh and think. Rob Paravonian has done just that. Enjoy.

Well, that wraps up our final awards for the 2006 calendar year. Remember, it's never too late to make a resolution for the New Year. Our resolution? To keep reading the news while finding the funny, and maybe holding off on shots until AFTER we've updated the CSM. After all, we've gotta balance the coffee somehow. Stay safe out there.

The Year End looks ahead

Over here at The Coffee-Soaked Mind, we've been pondering what to do for our final top ten list of 2006. Sure, we could talk about the Top Ten Breakfast Cereals of 2006, or the Top Ten Worst Soda Flavors, but we want to be different. We want to break ground. And, since we've got our weekly awards coming up tomorrow, we've decided to try a new approach. With that said, we now present to you all:

The Top Ten Things to Look Forward to in 2007

10. Academy Award Candidates for 2008
Yes, we admit that we're looking over a year in advance for this one, but we've got a sneaking suspicion that, in an attempt to keep Martin Scorcese from winning an Oscar, the cabal of Spielberg, Howard, Columbus and Eastwood will release approximately seven movies apiece, with the releases falling anywhere from the beginning of October to the end of November. The bigger shock will be when the Best Director Oscar is awarded to first-time director Jennifer Love Hewitt.

9. It's not an election year
True, people are already drooling at the prospect of voting more people out of office, but you have to admit that 2007 being an off-year for campaigning is something to look forward to. The best reason behind this? The lack of political commercials.

8. Cadbury Creme Eggs
You know you look forward to those every single year. Why should 2007 be any different?

7. The New Fall Schedule
Watch as the networks try to figure out how to capitalize on what worked in 2006, only to either simply fail, or to inundate the airwaves with look-alike shows. Expect CBS to continue their trend of fairly pathetic traditional sitcoms, interspersed with reality television, while NBC announces a new game show, where contestants are superpowered individuals competing against lawyers in an attempt to appear on a show within a show.

6. Justin Timberlake
You scoff. Don't deny it, because I can hear you scoffing from over here. And yet I'm here to tell you that JT may just be one of the people you need to watch in 2007. After all, he did single-handedly bring "sexy" back (as he'll tell you), and then was confident enough in its recovery to allow others to finish easing it back to life. In 2007, expect Timberlake to bring back "suave" and "Jell-O pudding pops", while Jared Leto attempts to bring "androgynous" back.

5. Insert Local Sports Team Here
We all know that every new season, there's a revitalized interest in local sports. Every year, the fans believe that the team will be the best its ever been, and that a championship is within their grasp. And, by the end of the season, most of those hopes have been utterly destroyed, causing most fans to curse the names of their hometeam's biggest stars. But have faith... a new season is just around the corner!

4. Sony vs. Microsoft vs. Nintendo
Now that all three console makers have their next-generation machines on the market, a true battle royale can begin, allowing gamers to decide who reigns supreme. The obvious winners? Pepsi Cola and Frito-Lay, for making Mountain Dew and Doritos respectively.

3. That awkward conversation in April
Whether this is with a coworker, family member, close friend, or just some person on the street, you can truly enjoy this conversation for what it holds; a long, uncomfortable pause, followed by one or both parties trying desperately to explain their position while slowly losing more ground with the other. You'll laugh about it. Eventually. Like while drunk in July.

2. KFed suffering crushing defeat
No, I'm not talking about the match scheduled for WWE's Raw on January 1. Ok, I'm not just talking about the match. I'm talking about the concept that everywhere KFed goes, little pieces of his previous life will continue to fall away, until he is left the nothing he was before we ever knew he existed. Somewhere, there's a picture of Kevin Federline, and it just keeps getting more talented as time goes past.

1. The end of 2007
By the time that everything mentioned above has come to pass, or been skipped over because someone stepped on a butterfly, causing all of the future to change, you'll be hoping and waiting for the beginning of 2008. Why? Because every New Year's Day is a chance to start over and go in a new direction, and, just like every previous year, you're going to want to take that chance and embrace it. At least until February.

More from the Year End

Well, we got ourselves started down this slippery slope, and there's nowhere to go but further on down the road. Anyone who thinks that they can only put together one top-ten list at the end of the year is foolish. In many ways, it's just like eating potato chips. Sure, you could only eat one, but you're just going to want to go back for more, no matter how strong your resolve. So let's get underway with our second list, shall we?

The Top Ten Gimmicks in 2006

10. The PC vs. Mac commericals.
Overall, this gimmick was a great idea that fell a little short in actual execution. Far too many people found the "PC" more identifiable and pleasant, while many found the "Mac" to be rather smarmy and irritating. In many ways, the tone of the ad reflected the tone of many users, and simply reinforced stereotypes about the PC/Mac difference, instead of opening up a new demographic. Still, Apple is reluctant to give up, and they continue to send new commercials to the airwaves, albeit with fewer comments from "Mac". If this gimmick continues, expect to see "Mac" say nothing at all, and possibly get little to no screen time, while "PC" gets winded running on a treadmill.

9. "Indecent" photographs
Celebrities (and even some non-celebrities) the world over had a banner year in 2006 for being shown without underwear, or just in various states of inebriation. Somehow, each time that this happened, it did nothing to hamper their careers, and served in a few cases to revitalize a previously stagnant interest. Of course, Miss Nevada should be able to use her most recent photos to skyrocket all the way into the realm of Hooters waitress, or pop princess. Both seem to require about the same level of talent.

8. Person of the Year
Time magazine created a huge buzz for themselves when they named "You" the person of the year. And we're still talking about it, not just the fact that it was done, but the overall insanity of making such a declaration. If that doesn't prove it's a good gimmick, I don't know what does.

7. Top Ten Lists
Come on. Everyone's doing it. Heck, even your second-grade teacher probably has a top ten list out there somewhere. True, these things have been around since Og first established his list of the Top Ten Animals to Smash With Rocks, but they're never really going away. Besides, on a list of top gimmicks, how can you not include the concept of a list itself?

6. Racial slurs and public apologies
Ah, Mel Gibson, Andy Dick, Michael Richards, George Allen, and Judith Regan, amongst others. You've all started a new trend amongst the movers and shakers in the industry. By simply throwing together a tirade against one particular race (seemingly either Jewish or black works best) and then making public your apology, you can do what other celebrities did by showcasing naked pieces of their body, and you got people to care. Well, except for Andy Dick. But then nobody's cared about him since before NewsRadio went off the air. And nevermind about George Allen.

5. Green Screening
Stephen Colbert did it. The Decemberists did it. And that kicked off a challenge between the two, vying for supremacy in the world of the green screen. How much more brilliant can the concept of getting fans do all of the hard video editing be? The fact that Colbert and the Decemberists were able to get some simple cross-promotion out of the whole deal just shows how good the gimmick was.

4. Wii Would Like to Play
Even if the Nintendo Wii is a really good game system, it's also a really good gimmick. Getting gamers to be active and actually move their arms (and, theoretically, bodies) while playing games is something previously only attempted by Dance Dance Revolution. And while DDR got a whole new generation to look like dorks while dancing to "Staying Alive", the Wii can get everyone to look even more inept while playing a bowling video game. Sure, there's a problem with the straps for the system, but that's still minor when you realize that the gimmick of the Wii may have kept Nintendo from going the way of Sega.

3. Half-seasons for TV
Lost did it. So did Heroes, Studio 60, Prison Break, Veronica Mars, and others. A number of the shows even referred to their last broadcast before Jan. 1 as being their "fall finale". Is this a way to keep viewers hooked and tied into the storylines by offering an extended run of new episodes in a row, or is this just the networks way of fighting cable series, which aren't tied to the same fall-spring schedule? Whichever thought process drove this type of scheduling, it's working, and viewers find themselves anxiously awaiting the new episodes as soon as they can get here. It also allows the networks to try other series that may never have seen the light of day, and possibly discover a new diamond in the rough. Seems to be panning out better than MyNetworkTV is so far.

2. Kevin Federline
Could there be a bigger gimmick than Kevin Federline? First, the man was famous for having slept with Britney Spears, and getting her knocked up (twice). Then he became famous for how bad his "album" was. Now, after receiving another boost for getting a text message informing him of his divorce, KFed is still somewhat in the public eye, and will be appearing (again) on a WWE broadcast. The gimmick behind this, of course, is that people will watch to see Federline get beat up, even if it's fake, which will only serve to keep his star elevated slightly above the likes of Carrot Top and David Arquette. And even with that, KFed can only take the number two spot on this list.

1. YouTubular
You can't argue that, ultimately, YouTube was a gimmick. A brilliant gimmick in hindsight, but a gimmick nonetheless. When started, there was no indication that the site would reach the heights of popularity that it has. And yet it has achieved such greatness that even the almighty Google yearned for it, snapping it up as deftly as only they could. But what really makes YouTube a great gimmick? The fact that you can see evidence and/or trails of all of the previous gimmicks in a video loaded somewhere onto its site. In fact, if you dig deep enough, you just mind find "Lonelygirl15" not wearing a bra while playing a Heroes game on the Wii, all in front of a green screen, as she spouts racial slurs directed somehow at KFed, before launching into her own top ten list.

Now that's a gimmick.

The Year End Begins

Ah, that glorious week between Christmas and New Year's. The time of year where a large part of the population exercises their option to stay away from the office, burning through the last days of their vacation time before they lose it all. That simple week where people, still caught in the good feelings (or intoxication) of one holiday are looking forward to repeating the process all over again in a few short days.

But this week carries with it another responsibility, especially for those of us in the blogosphere. Or for people in the media. Or for anyone that's particularly anal retentive. This week carries with it the need for lists... lists in all shapes and colors, detailing various things about the past year. Well, we here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind are going to partake in this practice, as we know the importance of lists. Still, we're not going to play by the same rules as everyone else. With that said, let's get started... we've got a short week, and we still have to plan out the awards for Friday. Presenting:

The Top Ten Things That Didn't Happen in 2006

10. The New York Yankees won the World Series
Few teams in the world of sports can inspire such fervor and hatred at the same time, sometimes even from the same people. And yet, if anyone can do it, it would have to be a team from New York, NY. While the Mets generally are greeted with indifference, the Yankees are one of the teams for the ages, and their fanbase is along the same lines. People seemed to believe that, by simply spending more than anyone else, they were destined for yet another championship. But no, the Detroit Tigers didn't seem to want to cooperate, saving their collapse for the St. Louis Cardinals. Yankees fans are still in something of a state of shock, and owner George Steinbrenner has reportedly been working on ways to revive both Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth, in his efforts to create a zombie baseball team.

9. Young Hollywood forgot about the existence of underwear
The problem with the notion of the celebutantes forgetting about underwear is that it implies they weren't specifically hoping we'd all get to see what their nether regions looked like. No... these geniuses just couldn't be bothered to keep themselves covered. The trend will unfortunately continue until we see Jared Leto running around without any panties under his skirt.

8. Everyone who wanted one got their Playstation 3 without problems
Yeah, great job on Sony's behalf. Hype something beyond any rational expectations to a subset of the population without any real social skills. Then make them wait in line with other people like them, in the hopes that they would get to be one of the lucky few to spend $600 for a video game system. Add some opportunistic thieves and some truly moronic marketing ploys and you've got a recipe for disaster. And yet, nothing will ever quite rival the person who spent $300 for an Xbox box (video game console not included).

7. Voters delivered a mandate to the White House
Sure, plenty of people believe that the large swing in the balance of power was their way of thumbing their noses at GDub and his crew, especially for the way they handled the war in Iraq. Thing is, to be able to thumb your nose at someone, you need to prove that they have any understanding of your viewpoint. So while the balance of power has shifted, it may take another couple of years before GDub even realizes what's happened.

6. "You" were Time's Person of the Year
No, no, no. "You" fell victim to a marketing ploy by a lazy editorial staff.

5. Global warming was the new black
Sure, we had Al Gore. We had "Happy Feet". We had polar ice caps melting, islands sinking under rising ocean waters, and environmentalists warning about the destruction man had wrought. And yet, at the end of the day, global warming still isn't in the minds of the majority. At best, it's become the next navy blue.

4. There was less overall crazy in the world
Any year that features Tom Cruise as heavily as this past did, especially with regards to his marriage to Katie Holmes, is proof that crazy is alive and well. In fact, it certainly looks like crazy went international in 2006, with a little help from Cruise, Mel Gibson, and Kim Jong-Il.

3. Irony finally, truly died
Even though it certainly appears that irony, along with its close relative sarcasm, has been at death's door for quite awhile now, places like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report have certainly been helping to keep it alive. Even better? The fact that members of the GOP have linked their websites to The Colbert Report, not quite getting that the joke is on them... even after the way Stephen Colbert attacked the press at the White House Correspondents Dinner. On the other hand, stand-up comedy may be about ready to be placed on life support, if Last Comic Standing is any representation of the form.

2. Scarlett Johansson and/or Dakota Fanning appeared in every movie released
Not quite. But it certainly felt like it. All year long. Kind of depressing, because one is simply getting overused, making her looks and talents something that people are starting to get repulsed by, whereas the other is one of those creepy child prodigies, the kind that will simply be attached to every possible role for actors under the age of 16 because they don't sound like an off-balance robot with every line.

1. The world ended
Yes, even though it's sometimes shocking to think, even in light of the things that didn't happen over this past year, existence just keeps plodding on. But hey, look on the bright side. Every year we get closer to achieving this ultimate goal, and I'm sure that when we do, there'll be a future generation that escaped Earth just prior to its destruction, so that a movie can be made of the final days. A movie that will, undoubtedly, star Dakota Fanning and Scarlett Johansson.

Don't tell him it's fake

Oh, Kevin Federline. Why must you continually abuse our minds with your existence? And why do you have to go out of your way to prove that you're even less intelligent and talented than we originally thought (a difficult feat, I know)? With the knowledge secure in our heads that being the ex-Mr. Britney Spears would lead to you vanishing from existence, why did you have to show up anywhere again? And People Magazine? Don't think you're getting off the hook easily, because you're just as guilty.

Sure, we could blame someone else, too, but there's a good chance that they're just trying to give the world what it wants. But we can still blame People for continuing to foist K-Fed on us, and we can blame K-Fed for foisting himself on the WWE.

True, in many ways, this seems like a match made in heaven. K-Fed gets to live out what is, in many circles, a white-trash dream, by getting to dress in leather and pretend to beat the snot out of someone, while the fans get to watch this never-been get trounced like he so richly deserves. But you have to wonder if K-Fed even realizes the nature of a professional wrestling match (and yes, this is after he's already appeared in WWE events). Yes, it's fake. Yes, it's scripted. Oh, and yes, most of the professional wrestlers are huge, musclebound, steroid-enhanced monsters who could break someone like Federline in half if he even thought about stepping off-script.

Ultimately, what does a move like this do for either party? Well, for Federline, it succeeds in landing him more television time, something that's evaporating faster than you can say "divorce text message". For the WWE, they get to promote a match between one of their top talents, and a smarmy punk that never earned a cent that he lived off of. And for John Cena, the man who will be facing K-Fed, he gets the pleasure of (again) beating K-Fed, thereby acting as an extension for all of humanity.

Actually, maybe this is a win-win situation. Just as long as the WWE remembers the problems that once sprang up in the wrestling world around David Arquette.

Because, really? Anything that David Arquette touches turns to rot. Just look at Courtney Cox.



Oh, and a happy belated birthday to Polinaut, since they kind of inspired the CSM to get rolling. They just don't have as much snark, and they tend to stay on subject better...

A swift pat on the back

Every year, Time magazine releases their "Person of the Year" issue. Every year, people can look forward to the end of December cover, to find out who Time has decided to enshrine as the most influential member of the human race for the past twelve months. Every year, there is a decision to be made between choosing an archetype, such as 2003's "The American Soldier", and choosing a caricature, such as 2004's "George W. Bush". This year, Time decided to really put all of its eggs in one basket.

Apparently, Time could do no better than to declare that "You" ("We") are the "Person(s) of the Year". The even used the old trick sometimes found in children's books about including a piece of silver mylar so that the reader could see their own image emblazoned into the magazine. At least, until said magazine is thrown onto a coffee table, and the family dog uses it as a bed. At that point, according to the logic of the mylar, the dog's hindquarters will become the "Person(s Body Parts) of the Year".

But could Time have chosen a better choice than "You" ("Us")? Could anyone have possibly had more impact on the past year than humanity? True, the magazine is trying to say that the "You" ("They") that they are referring to are people like "You" ("Me") who have helped to forge what the internet currently is, it's not like they're really keeping people who don't have blogs or a YouTube addiction from being recognized. Also, it's not like you can put mylar on the internet itself, allowing surfers to see themselves recognized on Time's website, thereby already poking a slight hole in the magazine's recognition of "You" ("Everyone").

But really, we should all thank Time for this honor. Who knew that obsessively conversing about reality television and celebrity nipple slips while eating chocolate cake would help us achieve heights of fame previously seen by people ranging from Bono to Adolf Hitler? And, don't worry, all of you who don't get online and make an impact that way. We still see you standing strong, reading the magazines in the check-out aisles of the grocery stores. We are all "Person(s) of the Year", and we can be proud that we beat out everyone else on the planet, who also was recognized in such fashion.

Just proves that we're all special. Just like everyone else.

Potentially counterproductive

Malaysia is tired. Tired of being saddled with Kuala Lumpur as the name of its capital city. Tired of floating along in the South China Sea. Tired of Indonesia getting all the attention in the neighborhood. Tired of the world just not taking them seriously as a tourist destination. So Malaysia is taking matters into their own hands, and they're planning for 2007 to be Visit Malaysia Year. The goal is to eclipse 20 million visitors to the country in the next calendar year. And they've already started the preparations.

They're getting cleaner toilets. Air-conditioned toilets. Self-cleaning toilets. Better toilets.

Now that's something that a tourism board can get behind, if you catch my drift. After all, what better slogan can there possibly be for a tourism campaign than "Malaysia - Now with Shinier Porcelain". Sure beats the stuffing out of Australia's "Where the Hell Are You?" campaign from this past year.

Needless to say, other countries are beginning to take notice, and we may soon see a rash of improvements as nations around the world attempt to lure in tourists. We could find sparkling crystal urinals installed in Monaco, or self-dispensing soap for sinks across China. We could even see toilet paper used in Jordan.

Obviously, Malaysia is taking the initiative in this potentially global effort, to teach the world a very important lesson; a lesson unheard of by Aesop or Giesl. That lesson?

Don't worry about cleaning the bathroom unless you're expecting company.

And I think that's something we can all identify with.

It's in the stars

Insurance adjustors are always trying to spot trends among drivers. They try to figure out which activities lead to the most accidents, what types of road conditions cause the worst driving, and so on. Now, InsuranceHotline.com may have stumbled on yet another cause for accidents, and a penchant for somewhat reckless driving.

As our title says, it's in the stars.

That's right, according to the company's president, Lee Romanov, whatever sign of the zodiac you were born under is an indication of what kind of driver you'll end up being. Previously, phrases like "What's your sign?" were reserved for sleazy bars or other pick-up joints. Now, people may start seeing the phrase at sleazy auto dealers and other pickup joints.

This could lead to an interesting future for people hoping to not watch their children saddled with high insurance premiums. Just imagine, a world where Leos and Geminis are the most common astrological signs, because an insurance company pegged them as the safest drivers, compared to other signs. And woe to the people who tried so carefully to give birth to their good driver, only to have the baby come early, and they are saddled with a middle-of-the-road Taurus.

Of course, over in China, there's another study being done. As it turns out, in the Far East, the Horse and the Dragon are better drivers, while the Goat and the Rat get a lot of tickets. I guess our astrology really does matter more than where we live.

Making hunting more interesting

Texas State Representative Edmund Kuempel is interested in equality. He doesn't think that people should be denied certain activities just because of handicaps that they may have to deal with. Representative Kuempel is proving his dedication to fairness by introducing a new measure to the Texas legislature that he's hoping will pass quickly in January.

The Kuempel measure is to allow the blind to hunt.

When asked about the measure, Kuempel was quoted as saying, "This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people," which is true, technically. And true, the blind would be forced to hunt with a sighted partner, one who would help them to aim and steady the rifle. But darnit, those blind hunters would be able to pull the trigger, and what can be more fun than realizing that you've just blown a hole in an animal?

Now before anyone gets up in arms about this, I want to make it clear that I am not opposed to hunting. I am, however, opposed to crazy ideas like letting blind people anywhere near a loaded firearm. Or behind the wheel of a car. For the record, I'm opposed to idiots running governments, too, but too many people disagree with me on that notion (course, it may simply be the job that makes otherwise intelligent people turn into idiots, but we haven't found proof of that yet).

Back to the subject at hand. In Texas, there is a good chance that the blind will be allowed to hunt, especially given the overall popularity of hunting throughout the state. This could easily be picked up by other states with large hunting traditions, leading us to a nation of blind hunters, making things even more dangerous for the already on-alert drunken hunter our forefathers knew about. And, in an epic confrontation between drunks and the blind, is there really any winner?

What's next? The deaf are going to be music producers and talent scouts? Oh wait... we already have American Idol.

I'm loving it

Recent news lets us know that McDonald's, long the bastion of grease and a certain flaunting of an unhealthy attitude, has decided that it's time to revamp their children's play areas. They have begun inserting mini-gyms in place of the playlands in a few restaurants already, looking to get the kids stuffing themselves on Happy Meals to stuff themselves into the R Gym for stationary biking or other fitness activities.

Of course, once the R Gym is seen at McDonald's outside of California, people will begin to look differently at the fast-food outlet. They'll stop seeing just the Big Mac, or the Supersize of fries and a soft drink. Instead, they'll see that McDonald's really cares. About our children, and their health. McDonald's wants our kids to exercise, to keep them from becoming obese, and to assert their dominance over other fast-food restaurants in the battle over who cares more about their customers' well-being. After all, Wendy's may have salads, but McDonald's has the R Gym.

Or people will see through the shameless attempt to polish an image tarnished by years of overweight clientele and health risks associated with their food, and ignore the latest publicity stunt. After all, people aren't hitting McDonald's because they want something healthy... they go to McDonald's because they want something quick and inexpensive. So McDonald's? Get your gyms out of our ball pits.

On second thought, keep 'em there. If we can get the kids motivated to do something, it should save you money in the long run. After all, if you keep the future generations thin enough, you won't have to renovate your stores with bigger doors and more clearance around the cash registers. Now that's forward thinking.

Dude, it's like, your move

Finally, drug testing is being taken seriously, especially at the Asian Games. How can we tell? Well, when the international body governing tournament chess has decided that it's fed up with the possibility of drug-enhanced players, we know that the epidemic is finally going to be curtailed.

Wait. That can't be right. Pardon me while I check the story again.



Yep. It's right. Chess players gearing up for the Asian Games this December are facing the possibility of drug tests after rounds. This really is getting serious.

After all, think about it. Drugs can be used to enhance physical performance, as so many baseball players have proven recently. But can they possibly be used to enhance the game of mental athletes? Could there be a wonder drug out there that will give chess players an unfair advantage over the non-dopers in their little world?

When one thinks of chess, one tends to picture a fairly slow moving game, with very carefully thought out moves. When one thinks of drug use, the notion of carefully thought out is generally carefully tossed out the window. And yet we have to worry about chess players doping for an edge.

Of course, now I can't help but picture chess being played by a couple of stoners. Although I'm sure that checkmate was declared after either a) the first player was able to king one of his pawns, a la checkers, b) the pizza showed up, or c) that really kicking Phish song started playing on the radio.

Act Locally, Think Globally

Finally, an idea for world peace that I think all of us can get behind. A California couple tied to the Baring Witness peace movement has come up with a way to get the world to focus on the concept of peace. They are advocating a global orgasm to help achieve their goals.

The couple, Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, have not only studied evolutionary psychology, but they have also partnered sex and activism together in the past. Most notably, Sheehan organized 50 women to form together to spell the word "Peace" in their birthday suits in 2002. The two are hoping that the "incredible feeling of peace" during and after orgasm may help promote world peace and possibly even bring an end to wars.

This may, of course, seem like the agenda of 1960's holdovers, people that never really gave up the "free love" feelings of that era. But you can't really argue with the message. If the couple is able to gather enough people worldwide to achieve sexual gratification on the same day, that's a pretty satisfying achievement. If it leads to the rapid spread of peace across the planet, all the better.

Unfortunately, due to the timing of their global orgasm, a fair portion of the people who could (and otherwise probably would) participate will have their hands locked around their PS3 controllers, and have already experienced their personal heights of pleasure, simply by being part of the small numbers to get their game consoles when they were released. But hey, if the whole global orgasms to stop war thing works, maybe we can look at energy prices next. After all, it's not like most people will be driving while they participate (although they might, just to be able to join in).

What goes up

Welcome to Election Day 2006. Of course, since we're pretty sure that each and every one of our readers are pretty much sick of reading more election news, we've decided to expand our horizons. Today, we're taking a look over into Germany.

Apparently, in Berlin, the newest spectator sport is watching people jump to their death. At least, that's kind of the way it seemed as a 21-year-old woman perched herself on a building 230 feet off the ground and prepared to commit suicide. Waiting on the ground below were a group of homeless, trying to encourage the girl to keep her life, and a mass of spectators, including a number of teenagers, who just wanted to watch.

Of course, this being Germany, things just couldn't go according to plan. The girl started taking too much time, causing some of the generally punctual German teens to start shouting for her to go ahead and launch herself off of the town hall roof. Naturally, the homeless didn't like this notion, and started arguing with the teens, trying to get them to stop. Before too long, a brawl broke out amongst the homeless and the teens. Said brawl ended up with numerous injuries, and eight arrests. The girl was coaxed down by the police.

All we can really say beyond this is that, obviously, the German people need better television, and more outlets for their anger. Maybe drinking beer and eating schnitzel is good enough to keep Austrians from watching (and cheering) for someone's suicide attempt, but not in Berlin. Maybe we need to talk to RockStar Games, and get them to put out a Grand Theft Auto: Sausage City featuring a version of Munich.

Although, in hindsight, it's probably better that this didn't happen in Ireland. The Irish would've been drunk and fighting just because they were in the street together. And because they hate the English.

If the gloves don't fit, well... you know

Eleven years after the infamous trial that kept him out of prison, and almost eleven years since the civil case that found him guilty and ordered payments to the families, OJ Simpson is stepping back into the spotlight cast on him by the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. And he's doing it in possibly the worst-conceived way possible.

He's writing a book about how he could have done it.

True, Simpson is claiming that the accounts in the alleged book deal (alleged because nobody has owned up to wanting to publish as of yet) are simply "hypotheticals", but it still casts an odd light on the crime. The working title of the book is supposedly "If I Did It", which could cause millions to pause when they see it and question the usage of the word "If".

Simply put, Simpson has continued to profit since the trials, both from his football career, and, seemingly, from the very act that people continue to look at him skeptically for. The merest notion of publishing a book by Simpson revolving around the murders seems to be not only in bad taste, but an ill-advised marketing move.

If this book is truly going to be coming to bookstore shelves sometime soon, then I would like to humbly suggest making it into a series of books, all by different authors. For example, you could release Adolf Hitler's book "If I Did It: Memoirs of a Failed Art Student", R. Kelly's "If I Did It: Problems Finding a Toilet", and Madonna's "If I Did It: Kidnapping from Malawai".

Of course, it's probably just a matter of time before we find Mel Gibson's tell-all, "What Do You Mean 'If', Sugartits?"

When life imitates art

It almost seems like a publicity stunt orchestrated to drum up viewership for Borat when it finally hits theaters this fall. Of course, many would say that Borat doesn't need any further stunts, due to a large pre-built fanbase on the internet, but Snakes on a Plane proved that being an online fan doesn't necessarily mean your seat will be in the theater when the movie opens.

Anyways, back to the incident that seems too ridiculous to be true. Apparently, the Kazakhstan central bank has made a slight error in printing their 2,000 and 5,000 tenge notes. The error? They misspelled the word "bank".

Of course, this mistake could lead to Borat making a press statement, talking about how the new, incorrect notes are better for the making of love purchase to one's sister's cow. The Kazakh president is already urging the bank to not distribute the money, which will be put into distribution and then slowly phased out through November.

Let me get this right. Kazakhstan is fighting to keep Borat from being screened worldwide, fearful of how they might be portrayed. They even enlisted the help of GDub, the great Decider, in trying to stop this pervasive influence from spreading, proving that, even overseas, politicians don't get humor. And then they misspell "bank".

This seems so far out of left field, that's it's almost too improbable to be true. And yet, it is. Of course, this is all just prior to the announcement that the Kazakh's have invited Sasha Baron Cohen to visit Borat's "homeland", giving themselves to prove that they aren't the backwards nation that he is portraying them to be. If they're really smart, they'll even offer to pay him for the extra publicity.

Possibly even in misprinted currency.

As the world turns

It almost sounds like something coming from the pages of a comic book. Heck, it sounds an awful lot like the premise behind NBC's Heroes, although not quite as super-powered. Scientists have published a recent study that shows that, eventually, the human race could split into two main subspecies.

Of course, the eventually that these scientists are talking about is around 100,000 years in the future.

Dr. Oliver Curry, the leading researcher behind the study, is already guessing that, within the next thousand years or so, the genetically blessed are going to average between six and seven feet tall, and be more physically attractive, more intelligent, and more creative than the genetic underclass. The cause behind all of this? Dr. Curry is blaming sexual selection, the process of being a little selective about who we procreate with, as opposed to just grabbing the first person we see at last call.

Aside from wondering exactly how this applies to people now, the other question that's being begged is, hasn't this already started happening, to an extent? Don't we already have a genetic upper- and lower-class? After all, look at a good portion of the celebrities we have out there. There are people who are famous simply because they look good. There are others who are equally famous for how horrible they look (Parisite Hilton springs to mind). And we most definitely have a genetic lower-class. One needs look no further than West Virginia to see that truth brought brutally to the forefront.

Of course, Dr. Curry makes bold predictions that, if people continue to be selective about their breeding patterns, we will eventually be left with race of square-jawed men and women with perky breasts, to combat the race of deformed "goblins" that are left behind. As we all know well, thanks to Peter Jackson, these differences will lead to war, a war that can only be finished by one of the goblins throwing the one ring made from the sinews of Emperor for Eternity GDub into the fires of Mt. Everest. Or Kilimanjaro.

Or the goblin will put on the ring and believe itself to be invisible, all while attacking any foreign country that looks at him sideways.

Finally, a worthwhile lawsuit

In a world where we see frivolous lawsuits all of the time, ranging from the woman who burned herself with McDonald's coffee to the garbage disposal company suing NBC for an appearance in Heroes, it's nice to know that there are still, every once in awhile, lawsuits that make sense, and are completely valid.

Even though In-Sink-Erator's isn't, the lawsuit being filed by Steve Howards is. Howards is suing a Secret Service agent for placing him under arrest. Before you start jumping to the conclusion that this is another frivolous lawsuit, realize that Howards was arrested for criticizing VP Cheney's policies with regards to Iraq. In fact, what Howards allegedly said was, "I think your policies in Iraq are reprehensible". The Secret Service agent arrested Howards, accusing him of assaulting the VP. Howards is suing over violation of his Fourth Amendment rights, and for having his First Amendment rights infringed upon.

This incident only serves to underline the overall perspective that the GDub Administration has held since taking office. They are above criticism. Anyone who disagrees with them is stepping close to treason. And nobody has batted an eye.

That is, until Steve Howards stood up. Of course, the chances of this story making larger headlines are fairly slim. While many media outlets may hold no love for the current administration, they also know where their bread is buttered. Cheney and GDub have coasted through their time in power with very few strong detractors, and many of those detractors have been quick to switch sides to attack the Democrats if it serves to help the Decider in his policies.

Which begs the question, which is the bigger crime? Is it worse to trample all over the Constitution, the founding document of this nation, simply to perpetuate your own views and ideologies? Or is it worse to stand idly by, refusing to raise serious criticisms of these actions for fear that you could lose funding?

Safer for who?

A recent poll conducted in Great Britain showcases part of the reason why the British people are clamoring for Tony Blair to step down before his term of office would officially expire. According to the poll, 55 percent of those responding feel that the UK is in more danger now than it was prior to the "War on Terror." In fact, almost 75% believe that the world in general is more violent than it was in 1956. The majority also believe that religion is at the root of most of the conflict.

In a way, the British people are correct, and it doesn't extend simply to the United Kingdom. The War on Terror has led to those nations in charge of it being put into a crosshairs of sorts, especially when the goals that were originally outlined have been pushed aside by results that don't carry as much impact globally. When you look at the results of removing Saddam Hussein from power, and you realize that the Iraqi insurgency is still going strong, along with the influx of new threats from official terrorist organizations, you can see how being placed into those crosshairs is not a good thing.

While the war in Iraq has dragged on for years, and has no apparent end in sight, we've also had to deal with the rise of North Korea and Iran, both potential nuclear powers in the coming years. The Taliban is still active, and bin Laden has issued new threats. The recent conflict between Israel and Hezbollah underscores the danger that resides currently in the Middle East, and the potential for it to leak out to the rest of the world in uncontrolled waves.

Has the War on Terror helped to make the world a more dangerous place? Possibly. It has certainly failed to stop the rise in extremism amongst religions, and has proven to be remarkably ineffective at curtailing further violence in regions even after the removal of known antagonists. Will a full-scale change in the leaders of the "free world" lead to improvement in the way that the global community treats each other? There are no guarantees, but one can assume that it would be difficult for things to get too much worse.

Ultimately, we need to sit by and wait. Yes, the British have used their voice to speak out against the War on Terror. So have the American people. All that remains is to use the voice that truly matters, and use that power to vote those who we feel can govern the best, hoping our choices are right.

In the meantime, we can wait until the White House throws up anti-terrorism videos on YouTube, with images of a coked out Keith Richards trying to dismantle a suicide bomb while his mom walks in. Hijinks will, of course, ensue.

A step towards reality

Madrid Fashion Week has just taken a much needed step towards rejoining the world of sanity after a recent ban. No, they didn't outlaw garish fashions that will only ever be seen on a runway. No, they didn't keep cocaine away from Kate Moss.

They did, however, ban models who are too thin.

The Fashion Week now will not allow designers to use models that have a BMI of under 18. While this will still lead to freakishly tall women with almost non-existent waistlines, at least they should still be visible when they turn sideways. The ban in Madrid has already caused quite a bit of a buzz, where other large fashion shows are considering following suit.

Here's hoping that this ban will actually start impacting Hollywood, or at least some of the starlets walking around out there. Just think, if Hollywood picked up on it, we'd have fewer films from skeletons like Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Keira Knightly, and Kate Bosworth. And honestly, folks, how many times do you need to see someone who looks like they crawled out of their crypt before a day of shooting before you start reaching for the cricket bat?

The only downside to Hollywood instituting that rule would be that Scarlett Johansson would be cast in even more movies than she already is. Given that this is a practical impossibility, there would have to be some sort of damage done to the space/time continuum before we can truly see the results.

Or, shock of shocks, we might get blessed with more actresses that actually look like they eat every once in a while.