Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 21, 2006

Welcome back to another awards post. Time to look at things deserving attention over the last week.

You Can't Do That on Television Award
This award goes out to Ann Coulter, for her recent appearance on Hannity & Colmes. During the conversation, Kristin Powers, who was filling in for Colmes, pointed out a few items with regards to the war on terror. Ann apparently didn't like the questions, and decided to leave the interview. Of course, her departure was not on camera, but you can hear her making it known she's going to leave.

Pass the Beans Award
This prize goes out to GDub, the great Decider. Apparently, he's a big fan of flatulence. This is all coming fast on the heels of even staunch supporters wondering about his intelligence. Maybe this is why he has so many problems meeting with foreign leaders.

Not on My Island Award
Some people in New York City are banding together in an attempt to stop Survivor from holding its new season with racially divided clans. New Yorkers are mostly complaining due to a perception of copyright infringement with the island of Manhattan.

You're Still Special to Us Award
We're handing this one out to Pluto, the little celestial body that apparently couldn't. Hey, you were a planet for awhile. The only other celestial body that can say that is Star Jones.

Heads I Stay, Tails You Go Award
Passing this one to Joe Lieberman, and not for his insistence to keep running in a race that he lost the primary. Nope, this time, the pro-war and pro-Bush Democrat is being noticed for asking for the resignation of "Gin" Rummy. Joe's apparently decided that his campaign is like Burger King, where he can have it his way, no matter how many times his way changes.

Calling it Like It Is Award
Once again, we have to end on something of an up note, and we're actually giving out this particular award twice. The first recipient is last week's good news winner, Jon Stewart, for the way he took apart GDub's August news conference, and highlighted some of the issues currently revolving around the President. The second recipient is Kristin Powers, for pointing out to Ann Coulter the truth regarding Osama bin Laden, as detailed in our first award of the week.

Thank you. Stay safe, and find good news.

Keep Your Church Off My State

It is well-established that there is a history in the United States concerning a separation of church and state. Whether or not this ideal is acted on in practice is a matter for debate, but the ideal remains. In fact, this line of thought is used by those fighting to keep the Ten Commandments out of schools, the Bhagavad Gita out of courtrooms, and any reference to God off of our currency.

But if you listen to Katherine Harris, running for Senate in Florida, everything about the concept of the separation of church and state is a lie. She points out that "God is the one who chooses our rulers" as proof of her belief that church and state are forever linked. Nevermind that in America we don't have rulers, we have elected representatives, and that part of the thinking behind requesting a separation between the two entities was for our Founding Fathers to attempt to avoid the pitfalls that had sprung up in the nations they originally emigrated from.

Of course, this is the same Katherine Harris who was highly involved in the Florida recounts of 2000 (the disputed ones that lead to GDub accending to the presidency in the first place), and who has lost numerous staffers over the course of her campaign because they can't keep up with the mistruths that she's speaking on the trail. This is the same woman who pledged to spend all of her own money on the Senate race, until she was down to her last penny, but failed to mention that she wasn't counting a large inheritence that would still net her an easy six figures, if not more.

The moral of the story is that Katherine Harris knows lies for the same reason that Paris Hilton knows music. They both hear them all the time.

Handed a full house

Just enough articles in the news jumping out at me, so it looks like it's time for another round of Shotgunning the News:

Strengthening Iran
Today, The Guardian put out an article claiming that the United States "War on Terror" has served to strengthen Iran's position in the Middle East, and it's rather hard to argue the point. After all, before toppling Hussein, Iran was barely a blip on our cultural radar, and was definitely not a threat. However, because of the boondoggle with the way that Iraq has been handled, the Iranian government is gathering a following in their neighbor. This should be raising more eyebrows globally, given that, for decades, Iran and Iraq couldn't agree on much of anything, and now the Iraqis are looking to their former enemies for assistance. Of course, the recent failure of Israel to achieve verifiable results in the campaign against Hezbollah (including the current cease-fire which Israel is straining with raids) has also helped to bolster the position of Iran in the area.

The real question with regards to this whole mess should of course be the President and his doomed notion to "stay the course", but that seems to be getting missed overall. Nevermind that the last time the US launched a "war" on a concept, we're still struggling to achieve actual victory, and have quite possibly improved the status of those whose ideals we're fighting against. Maybe it's time we launched a "War on Democracy", just to see if that, like terrorism or the drug trade, will grow at the same rate.

Or maybe it's already too late for that.

Really Not Ready for Primetime
There are reports that early suspicions regarding Saturday Night Live cast members being released are being confirmed through internal memos. Of course, NBC is not confirming, or even commenting (aside from the non-confirmation) on the subject. However, if the reports are true, then this season's SNL could be missing some of its key players.

Wait a minute. Looking over the article, it mentions that these people were comedians. I could've sworn that SNL stopped hiring comedians decades ago, at least for on-screen bits (with exception, of course, to Tina Fey, who's damned funny).

Don't Stimulate the Japanese
Officials for a Tokyo subway are declining to allow an advertisement for Harper's Bazaar to appear at stops. That advertisement was meant to feature August covergirl Britney Spears, in her naked and pregnant (and airbrushed) glory. The reasoning offered for turning down the full advertisement was that it might be "overly stimulating". The ads will be modified to feature Britney covered from the elbows down.

"Overly stimulating"? Britney Spears? About the only thing she can stimulate at this point (other than KFed making a bigger ass of himself than he already has) is inducing vomiting. Which, if we remember back to Bush Sr., the Japanese really don't look fondly on. So I guess they've made the right decision.

JANE and Community Service
Have problems getting a date that's willing to go all the way? That's apparently the problem faced by a reader of JANE magazine, who has enlisted their help in losing her virginity before she turns 30. This may seem odd, as, judging from the photo, she's at least passably attractive, and attractive women have little problem finding someone to sleep with, generally.

Ah, but there's a catch. Apparently she's looking for someone who isn't a complete jerk, and would actually be willing to have something of a relationship before allowing her to dance the horizontal mambo for the first time. To really cap it off, she's going to let the readers of JANE decide the right guy for her. And to think, a few years back, if you wanted to find someone for yourself, you actually had to do things like go out to clubs, and ask your friends. Now, with this "contest" and internet dating, you can move closer to getting filled out like an application from the privacy of your own home.

Love is in the air, indeed.

Greed leads to the Dark Side

While George Lucas is no stranger to the concept of merchandising in relation to the Star Wars universe, it does seem odd that, for a story that's "finished", there's going to be more new material, being spearheaded by Lucasfilm itself. As we close in on the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, we will soon be met with a cartoon series (basically Episode 2.5) and a new video game (Episode 3.5).

It should come as no surprise that Lucas is willing to keep the money machine rolling. Anyone who hasn't successfully purged Episode One from their brains knows that, when the cash starts coming in, artistic integrity can start to slip. While the original Star Wars trilogy is not amongst the best films ever made, or even the best films of their respective years, there is something about the classic storylines and character models that works. The fact that it was played on a somewhat low-budget scale with stilted acting performances somehow adds to the charm. And yet, when the time came to start everyone thinking about a revival of the universe (around, oh, ten years ago with the "special editions"), Lucas followed the money and made the original movies splashier and, oddly enough, less appealing. Of course, this is also a man who said that the original versions of the films would never be available again, and is now releasing them on DVD later this year.

Of course, Star Wars fans worldwide will, naturally, decry Lucasfilm and the fact that they are once again being exploited for their money, simply to receive a subpar product as the end result. However, even in the face of that, they'll churn over their hard earned dollars for the chance to get another piece of information about the "galaxy far far away", and will use information gathered therein to fuel even more late-night discussions over Funyuns and Mountain Dew.

Possibly one of the most irritating things about this whole mess is that, when you boil it all down, Star Wars was something of a morality tale. The Force was controlled by our emotions, and, well, positive emotions and actions led to walking the Light Side, while negative emotions and actions forced you down the Dark Side. In another blatant money grab, George Lucas is making himself more and more like Anakin Skywalker everyday. And no, I'm not talking cherubic (yet thoroughly annoying) Anakin from Episode One. I'm talking mopey and overacted Anakin from Episode Three. Lucas is only a few steps away from slaughtering Jedi children with his desire for the quick buck, and, regardless of what he's said on the matter, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Episodes 7-9 are shoved down our throats.

And somehow, like the well-trained droids that we are, we'll answer the call and pony up the dough. Because, when it's all said and done, nobody wants to be choked at a distance by George Lucas.

We're number one! Just don't brag about it.

Something strange is going on when your movie tops the box office lists in its opening weekend, and yet the people behind the picture are saying that it was still a fairly disappointing showing. And yet, that's exactly what the hype-driven Snakes on a Plane is currently dealing with.

Quite honestly, I never expected to find myself writing about SoaP. Not because I don't think that it could be (and, by most accounts, is) a fairly fun movie. Not because I'm above dragging out the (now over-used) line of Samuel L. Jackson's. Honestly, I never expected to write anything about it because, well, it'd be hard to talk about something for which the hype-machine has been working so much overtime for, and which I haven't had the chance to see personally yet.

However, when I see that it took the number one spot at the box office and people are still complaining that it didn't do well enough, I just can't leave it alone. True, it opened with around $15M, which is barely over what Talladega Nights pulled down in it's third weekend. True, it wasn't really faced with stiff competition, because, while The Illusionist is probably quite good, it's not going to appeal to a broad audience, and Material Girls and Accepted just look like drivel thrown onto film. But still, when the movie has been getting pushed and hyped from every corner of the internet (and some corners of the world outside of the blogosphere), and it still only managed to pull down $15M, you have to wonder if part of that may have been caused by people having been too heavily inundated with the viral marketing around SoaP.

Now I don't for a second think that Snakes on a Plane is going to be a failure as a movie, either on the big screens, or in DVD sales. Hell, if the movie's really as fun as I've heard, it's going to have a lot of longevity by fans of B-movies, much like Tremors. But everyone needed to pull back a bit about two months ago and let the movie build up steam on its own, as opposed to inundating the public with more messages about how utterly amazing it's going to be.

Overall, I think that the marketing that surrounded Snakes on a Plane showcased both what's good and bad about the internet. If it hadn't been for the online push, SoaP would've stood a risk of being one of those PG-13 films that appears in theaters and is out on DVD before people have really registered that it exists. However, by being ever-present, the internet may have actually fueled a certain level of dispassion towards the film, as people saw the hype and decided to see what their friends and relatives were saying about it, rather than bust down the doors of the cineplex to get their tickets at the opening show.

Still, I firmly believe that the movie will do well. Of course, I also believe that it's only a matter of time before we can each go out and purchase our very own SoaP soap.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 14, 2006

Sometimes ideas pop into my head, and refuse to be shaken loose. Sometimes those ideas bleed out slowly over days and days, as I attempt to make sense of them. Sometimes, those ideas forcefully release themselves. The most recent idea is of the later, and has prompted me to attempt something new for the Coffee-Soaked Fridays. Basically, this is going to be an attempt to summarize some of the more ridiculous items from the past week, some of which have already been covered.

Without further ado, I present the Coffee-Soaked Awards for the week of August14, 2006.

The Award for Most Futile Gesture
Surprisingly enough, this award has actually generated a tie between the celebrities taking out an ad hating terrorism, and the Presidential pardon of an actor convicted of moonshining decades ago. It was suprisingly neck-and-neck, but at first, it seemed that Kidman et al would take the award handily. After all, what better way to prove your dedication to democracy than to amass a list of Hollywood stars and get them to pony up the big bucks required for an ad in a newspaper. However, when you realize that GDub pardoned someone who had never served jail time, and simply wanted a (relatively minor) black mark expunged from his record, you can see exactly why this award had to be given twice this week.

The (Un-)Constitutionality Award
Domestic spying has been under fire since its existence was formally announced. However, it wasn't until this week that the program was finally declared unconstitutional, with a demand made for it to halt. After being under intense scrutiny, and with supporters clamoring over its necessity, this is a big blow to the surveillance program. However, GDub (himself a perpetual nominee for the award) solidified the victory for wire-tapping, by swearing to overturn the federal ruling. Chalk up another (possible) victory for the right to spy on our own citizens.

The "Duh" Award
The Academy Awards have been around almost as long as the movies themselves, and gifts to celebrities have often been a part of those awards, at least in recent years. Well, congratulations to the IRS for finally realizing that those gift baskets being doled out to the nominees and winners may not actually be out of nothing more than generosity and compassion. Nope, they may be given out because of hopes for financial returns and free advertising. Consequently, the IRS has decided to finally start taxing these items. Guess now the Oscar will have to be reward enough itself.
Coming in a close second is the federal judge who figured out (through hours of Holmes-ian reasoning, no doubt) that tobacco companies have been deceptive.

The Award for Excellence in Commentary
Not all awards can go out to people that have done bad and/or stupid things, and this particular award goes out to Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. Why? Well, aside from his style of news delivery, and the way that he's drilled other news programs in the past for their own pandering on an issue, this week Stewart outright accused CNN of "fearmongering", possibly in an attempt to raise ratings, especially in the face of FOXNews and MSNBC. Here's hoping that Stewart continues to unabashedly cover what he feels needs to be covered.

The Pot and the Kettle Award
This award goes out to Justin Timberlake, for his attacks against Taylor Hicks, this year's American Idol. Justin, in a recent interview, made mention of the fact that Hicks is, in his own estimation, unable to sing, and, god forbid, might be gay. Oddly enough, these same comments have been said for years about Timberlake.

So that's that. An attempt at a new direction for Fridays, and we'll see if they take off. Let me know what you think.

Taking a stand

Congratulations, Nicole Kidman! And congratulations to the 84 others that signed the ad with you! You've taken a difficult stand in light of recent world events.

Wait a minute. Celebrities are getting together to take out ads in The Los Angeles Times decrying terrorism, and this becomes news? Even worse, they're getting pats on the back because of their views?

Come on, people. First off, did we really need celebritites to tell us that terrorism is bad? I would've thought by now that we could figure that little piece of information out for ourselves. Secondly, should we really be complimenting (or, at the very least, acknowledging) them for the statement? After all, terrorism is bad is kind of like saying that drinking too much can lead to severe problems. Am I right, Mr. Gibson?

Maybe I'm being a little hasty. After all, maybe what the world needs now is celebrities, sweet celebrities, as they tell us what is harmful and dangerous. And, gosh darnit, if Nicole Kidman tells me that terrorism is bad, then I have no choice but to blindly agree.

I mean, it's not like they told me that Northwest Airlines is delivering a bit of a slap in the face to employees who may be about to lose their jobs. Now THAT would be going out on a limb, which, by the way, provides an excellent vantage point for Dumpster scouting missions.

So much crazy in the world

Which is why I welcome you all to another round of Shotgunning the News. I think, at this rate, I may need to trademark that name...

AOL Takes a New Tactic at Being Invasive
America Online, which won a 12.8 million dollar settlement against pervasive spammer Davis Hawke last year, has decided that, since Mr. Hawke hasn't been seen since prior to the court date, they would take their settlement out of his parent's property.

Literally.

Apparently, AOL, acting on a tip from an ex-girlfriend of Hawke's, believes that he buried a large quantity of gold behind his parents house. The money for the gold was gathered originally through a series of internet scams run by Hawke and his partner, and AOL has decided that they are going to take the money owed them through any means necessary. Even if they need to bring bulldozers into the backyard of an elderly couple.

The catch, of course, is that they have full permission to start this dig, even on the thin hint offered by someone who, it could stand to reason, may be upset that she herself didn't get a larger portion of the pie. Of course, everyone else who has been asked about Hawke's loot denies any knowledge. In fact, Hawke's mother is looking forward to AOL digging up her land, waiting to see them "make fools of themselves."

Maybe she's just looking to get some new landscaping done, and figures that America Online can help foot the bill. The problem is that she'll end up with a walkway made entirely out of unused AOL start-up discs.

Crazy Forever
David Copperfield has unearthed a secret on one of his private islands. If he's right, the islands may not be all that private for too much longer. Long story short, Copperfield firmly believes that he's found the Fountain of Youth. After claiming to see miraculous things happen to whatever touches the water, Copperfield is now supposedly having biologists test the water to see how it could affect humans.

My expectation is that, if this claim has any legitimacy to it, the first result found will be that generations will be forced to watch as national landmarks are made to "disappear".

And here I was hoping that Copperfield had finally succeeded in performing the act that most of us want so desperately to see; the one where he makes himself and David Blaine disappear. Completely.

A Uniter at Last
President Bush is apparently mad as heck, and he's not sure what to do about it. Apparently, he's not thrilled with what's happening in Iraq with regards to the political situation and the public support of the American presence. He also doesn't think that the Iraqis support the sacrifice that America has made to help their situation.

Of course, it can't really be argued that the Iraqi people needed to be freed from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein. He was a toxic persona, who was able to singlehandedly poison his own nation (along with much of the region) while filtering money into his own coffers. But, after he was removed from power, the concept for how to repair Iraq was firmly kept in the hands of the GDub Crew, as they had their ideals and didn't take the time to learn what the Iraqi people may have wanted for their future as a nation.

That, coupled with the fact that, because we haven't left yet, we're viewed as occupiers and borderline imperialists, makes the Iraqis less willing to go along with our views. Also, the overall ineffectiveness in rebuilding the nation, where Hezbollah is already making great strides to rebuild the devastated portions of Lebanon, has caused the decline in public opinion.

Our President. Uniting people in their disgust with America.

It Depends on What Your Definition of "It" Is
Bill Clinton has jumped on the Russ Feingold bandwagon. Almost. Just a couple of days after Feingold declared that Joe Lieberman "doesn't get it", Clinton decried Lieberman's political views, especially on the war. He then jumped out of his way to make the logical leap that voting for Ned Lamont would not be, in any way, voting for terrorists.

Come on, Bill. We all know that you're used to taking direction from your wife, but there's been a few times where obviously you claimed your own ground. If you can stand up and tell Monica Lewinski that she needs to smoke your cigar, then you can tell Joe Lieberman the same thing. After all, Joe's apparently used to being submissive around Presidents.

Home field advantage?

So GDub is fairly confident that the government and the military is doing everything they possibly can to help keep the threat of terrorist attacks down to a minimum. Apparently, this goes so far as to claim responsibility for thwarting the threats in London. Nevermind that those attacks were stopped by the British police... after all, that's just one of those little details of truth that becomes so inconvenient when someone is spouting rhetoric.

Now, I'm not going to say that perhaps America didn't have a hand somewhat in stopping that plot, but it was by no means direct, and it certainly isn't because of the actions we're currently taking on the global stage. Our involvement comes from the fact that, since the attacks of five years ago, the world is overall more cautious about things, and therefore the police were looking more intently at items that may have escaped their notice in the past. The planet is a hot-spot for conflict right now, and everyone's more on guard.

GDub also went on to say that, while America is safer than in the past, it's not truly safe by any means. After all, according to our President, the terrorists actually have an advantage if and when they decide to attack our cities and people.

Wait a minute. Isn't the home team supposed to have the advantage? Doesn't the familiarity with the environment benefit those that exist within the environment? Shouldn't we know the geography and overall workings of our own land better than someone who may be intent on creating terror within our borders?

Is it possible that we're at a disadvantage when handling interior problems because our leaders are looking outwards, mostly focusing on the Middle East and Central America, and not watching closely what happens in the part of the planet that has the Atlantic Ocean to its east and the Pacific Ocean to its west? Just a thought.

Sex sells

And, where it doesn't sell, it can land you the prospect of becoming a political intern.

Nobody ever said that political interns weren't forward thinkers, and, as another crop of aspiring politicians rushes out to Washington, we shouldn't be surprised that they're dressing in ways that will bring them notice. After all, with literally thousands of candidates vying for the ability to start learning the political ropes that could land them a high-profile job in public service (as opposed to being a postal worker), why not try and shake things up a bit? Why dress in the same suit and shirt combination that everyone else seems to be wearing? Be different, stand out, and catch that partisan eye.

But the caution is that you need to know who you're trying to intern for. For example, if you're hoping to land an internship with Ted Kennedy, dressing like a bartender would be a good place to start. Aiming for Russ Feingold? Dress a little crazy, but have some hippi-esque elements to your wardrobe. Rick Santorum? Start with a stick hidden somewhere in your person (you can probably guess where) and proceed from there.

Overall, it's probably a good thing that Bill Clinton isn't running with the gang too much anymore. Because we all know that the sure-fire way to get Bill to notice you is, well, to be a woman. Or be a half-man half-tree like Janet Reno.

Of course, these kids have to tread carefully, what with the midterm elections coming up. After all, who wants to groom their appearance carefully to get notice from Mark Kennedy only to find out that they're now working under the very different watchful eye of Amy Klobuchar? The times they truly are a-changing.

Hammering it home

The Republican party shouldn't be accused of waffling on issues any time soon, and they're taking steps to prove that they're going to stand firm, even in the face of the "well-known liberal bias" of reality.

Take, for example, Ken Mehlmann, former deputy to Karl Rove. In the fervor surrounding Ned Lamont's victory in the primaries over Democrat-cum-Presidential-lapdog Joe Lieberman, Mehlmann has decided to lump Lamont with Rep. John Murtha. After all, we all know that Murtha once said that America is more dangerous than Iran or North Korea.

Except we also know that he was quoting a poll of foreign nations, and what the global community thought of the U.S. In fact, the early stories that omitted that simple little detail have all been retracted and corrected. So what's next, Ken? Are you going to try and spin that Lamont is also behind reports that UFOs are being held in Roswell, NM? Or how about painting Lamont as a strong believer in the notions put forth by The DaVinci Code. After all, if you're going to paint him with one work of fiction, why not keep going?

Meanwhile, the President is taking his own tactic at staying the course. In fact, he's spun the near-bombings from London as proof positive that we need to continue fighting the war on terror, and that the American people should put their support behind the Republican party, because they are the only ones with a clear idea of how to fight said war. The problem is that, a few years back, America DID launch a global war on terror. Somewhere along the lines, we got waylaid, forgot to check GoogleEarth, and found ourselves wandering away from Afghanistan (where we knew the Taliban was holed up), and marched into Iraq, where we've been stuck ever since.

So, Mr. President, are we still expected to believe that the current way of handling this global war, which resembles more and more a war simply on Iraq and Co. every day, is the most prudent course? And is it ever wise to use potential terrorist attacks as proof that you're platform is succeeding?

I think somewhere along the way, GDub channeled Marvin the Martian, and he's currently waiting for an "earth-shattering kaboom." It would certainly explain a lot.

So many questions

And just enough going on in the world that I am once again compelled to bring a round of shotgunning the news.

Living in Oblivion
Joe Lieberman, the man who lost the Connecticut primary even though he was the incumbent, and a former vice-presidential candidate is starting to receive supporters from across the country in his bid to run as an independant. The problem for Joe is that those supporters are Republicans.

Given that a lot of the reason that Joe lost the primary has to do with his being too supportive of the GOP and the President's policies concerning the war in Iraq, the last thing that he should want is support from the Republican party. And yet, he's quite obviously the type to stare blindly into the future, taking support from wherever he can get it. Of course, his campaign will make it doubly hard for the Democrats to keep the seat, but that's pretty much a hallmark of the Lieberman political career.

Just a note for Lieberman (not that I expect he or anyone affiliated with him is reading this). Just because someone gives you a kiss, it doesn't mean that you have to get into bed with them. And remain there, no matter what your friends say. Of course, it might not be a bad idea for you to look into what Samantha Bee of The Daily Show suggested... start your own Senate. At least that way you can't hurt more people.

A Bust is a Bust is a Bust
Recently unveiled in New York's Museum of Sex is a bust of Clinton. I know what you're thinking, because I wondered myself on the intelligence behind getting a bust of Bill, especially given his penchant for the ladies.

But we're wrong, because it turns out that the bust in the museum is, well, that of Hillary. From just below the, um, bust line. Created by the same artist, Daniel Edwards, who sculpted the naked statue of Britney Spears, there is now a mostly-unveiled sculpture of Hill's upper quarter. The artist felt it was important to "reveal her chest a little bit." Sen. Clinton hasn't had any comment as of yet, but Bill has probably been more attracted to the statue since it went up than he has been to his wife for a few years.

Biggest question raised by this has got to be, "Why does Daniel Edwards hate us?"

Muppets Behaving Badly
We're not quite sure if Jim Henson is spinning in his grave, or if he's reached a point where he's laughing hysterically.

Turns out that, over in Edinburgh, Brian Henson is staging adult-only shows, named "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv". Apparently, after a full day of doing children's shows, the cast decides to unleash their inner "Avenue Q" and turns out adult-themed shows prompted by audience suggestions. The younger Henson, who is also planning on ruining many people's childhoods by making a sequel to "The Dark Crystal", seems to believe that his father would adore the work, by saying that Jim had a darker sense of humor than most people believe.

This may actually be true, thinking back to some of the early episodes of "The Muppet Show". Let's just hope that Brian can keep the puppets from going too far into the realm of the wrong, and we're not assaulted with "Meet the Feebles: Live and Onstage".

True colors in primary hues

By now, pretty much everyone who has access to any form of media knows that Joe Lieberman, the incumbent Democratic senator from Connecticut, has lost his party primary to Ned Lamont. While he didn't lose by a ridiculously large margin, he still lost, and therefore will not find himself receiving the endorsement of his party as the campaigns work themselves towards November.

This normally isn't a huge deal, as, in most cases, losing the party primary will keep people from running anyway. They'll realize that, to better the chances of their party securing the elected position, it's not smart to split votes between two campaigns. Otherwise, they run the risk of Nader-izing the election.

Unfortunately for the people of Connecticut, Lieberman doesn't seem to understand that. Even worse, Lieberman is planning on forging ahead with his Independant campaign in spite of the fact that Democrats nationwide are throwing support to Lamont and begging Lieberman to accept his defeat with some measure of grace.

I mean, this situation is kind of like the New York Yankees deciding that they were the most likely team to win the 2005 World Series even after their defeat against the Angels. Or the Columbus Blue Jackets announcing that they were going to take home the 1998 Stanley Cup, two years before they started playing. Simply deciding that, even after losing, you'd be a more likely person to take home the big prize than the one that beat you is slapping reality in the face, and Lieberman, who has kissed up to the GOP while claiming to be a staunch Democrat, has slapped reality so many times recently that he's left a hand-print.

Is it possible that Joe Lieberman is the Rocky Balboa of politics? Is he a man who can suffer a stunning defeat only to come out victorious and heroic through perseverance?

Or is he a man on an ego trip, one that increases the likelihood that, in 2006, Connecticut will send a Republican to the Senate?

Quantity over quality

Apparently, when you're a politically-slanted author, writing from an extremist position, and you come under fire for possible plagiarism and/or willful misrepresentation of citations to push your point onto the audience that will already support you, the best defense you can offer is to show just how often you use footnotes and endnotes.

At least, that's the case currently being presented by Ann Coulter. In a report by Media Matters, analyzing from themselves the endnotes presented by Coulter in her most recent book, they find numerous examples where Coulter simply twisted a quote to make it apply more to her point (1), where she made up a "fact" to support her views (2), and where she outright omitted information from quotes that would have dispusted her particular angle of attack (3). Of course, this being Ms. Coulter, and this being a day and age where the spewing of hate speech sells books (yes, I'm looking at Michael Moore and Al Franken as well as Coulter and her right-wing cronies), the publishing house is calling all charges levied against the book as being baseless and trivial (4). Why? Because, darnit, she knows when to make citations, and she has literally thousands of citations with her book (5).

I guess if it's good enough for Crown Publishing (6), it's good enough for me. Heck, it's nice to know that, so long as you have a lot of footnotes, you don't even have to verify their truth.

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1. Coulter's points are often espoused by the Christian Right, National Socialists, and anyone else who feeds on the souls of infants.
2. "Fact" is merely a twist on reality as perceived by the majority of people. Therefore, anyone can make up a fact, convince people of it's reality, and act as though it's always been that way. See Wikipedia.
3. The angle of attack is approximately 35 degrees.
4. All your trivia are belong to us.
5. Citations make the man. Footnotes make the better man who can better manipulate reality (7).
6. Crown Publishing mainly supports the excessive use of footnotes and endnotes as proof of legitimacy because it lines their corporate coffers. And because they hate trees.
7. Footnotes do not need to have a base in truth to make a better man. Pearl Jam also does not need said base in truth.

Take two and call me in the morning

Those wacky German scientists, always experimenting with something new. Well, if their recent development holds up and can be useful for humans as well as flies and mice, then we may actually have something here. Basically, for all intents and purposes, the Germans are developing what they're referring to as an "anti-stupidity pill". This pill is purported to stop short-term memory loss, increase alertness, and other effects could be noticed if it turns out to be effective on creatures that can talk.

Just think of the possibilities. One pill, if it works, could allow you to remember where you set your keys down when you got home from work. It'll keep you from missing deadlines, because you'll be able to recall them before they pass. Your spouse will stop hating you for forgetting their birthday and your anniversary. Hollywood will be forced to take risks with entirely new stories, as opposed to remaking classic film and television into a new, watered-down form. Rob Schneider and Jon Heder will stop getting cast.

And, if this drug really works, then the first people who need it are in Austria. Why is there such a need just southeast of where the drug is being researched? They pay Paris Hilton $1m just to wave at people. Seems to me like medicating the Austrians might be a good way to stop this practice. It's really too bad that no drug in existence is strong enough to save us all from more Paris.

Welcomed as liberators

The United States just seems to be able to do no wrong in our global policy. After all, hundreds of thousands took to the streets in Baghdad, where there were American and Israeli flags painted on the roads themselves. People were even spotted carrying flags for the two nations, and there were some dolls of GDub and Israeli PM Olmert.

Except for the fact that the flags were painted on the ground so that Iraqis could trample over the images, the flags were carried so that they could be burned, and the dolls were actually effigies with vampire fangs, but those are all insignificant details, right? And the secondary fact that some of the Iraqis view GDub as being as bad, and possibly worse, than Saddam doesn't carry any weight, does it?

Yeah, maybe the Iraqis don't really like us after all. Of course, how can you really blame them when our President didn't bother to take the time to learn that there were multiple sects of Islam within Iraq itself, and that the sects aren't necessarily the most fond of each other. In fact, when meeting with three Iraqi Americans who attempted to illustrate the point, Bush is said to have responded, "I thought the Iraqis were Muslims!" Maybe the three meeting with the Decider didn't bring enough crayons of varying colors while illustrating their point.

Through the entire conflict, GDub has stressed the importance of bringing democracy to the region. Well, Lebanon held democractic elections. So did Iraq. And, to an extent, so did Iran. And yet those are some of the hotspots, and the largest military force is provided by another democratic country. Maybe democracy isn't such a good thing to spread after all. It's kind of like biting into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich only to crack your teeth on a nut, when you were pretty sure that it was the creamy peanut butter that had been used.

And finally, in whacko news, apparently Mel Gibson isn't an anti-Semite. This according to other movie stars, who, amazingly, still count themselves among Gibson's friends. They also say that he's a "different person" when he's drinking. Which means that alchohol turns him from Dr. Gibson into Mr. I-Hate-Jews. And when he's really on a bender, he becomes Mr. Why-Doesn't-Sugartits-Understand-Why-I-Hate-Jews.

I guess Hollywood really is a dream machine, where people can live their fantasy lives however they choose.

Time to get away

With wars still raging across the Middle East, what on earth is a Decider to do? Apparently, it's time to go on vacation.

For all you worrywarts out there, this isn't going to be one of his normal vacations. This is going to be his shortest summer vacation yet. Just goes to show that, when your war against Iraq is taking a turn for the worse, and the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah has no immediate signs of a resolution, the best plan possible is to take a trip to your personal ranch, but only for nine days.

And he won't just be resting on his laurels this trip. Oh no, GDub is going to be working during his vacation. To underline just how much of his official duties he will be focusing on during the trip to his ranch, GDub told a crew of reporters, "For those of you going to Crawford, saddle up." He'll also be campaiging and attending barbecues. And if that doesn't scream presidential duty, then I don't know what does.

But don't fear, Washington. The Decider is going to spend time in our nation's capital this August, and attend to the office to which he was elected. He'll just be at the White House when he's not in Crawford (one trip now and another at the end of the month), or visiting Kennebunkport. And that important work he's going to be doing over the month of August? Well, it's going to be decent amounts of travel, while campaigning to help the GOP try to retain their majority in Congress.

After all, as Americans, shouldn't we come to expect that, when the going gets tough, the tough are going to bury their heads in the sand on their ranch?

Heartbeats and wizards and business, oh my

More Wednesdays, more shotgunning. Although, in light of world events as of late, I may have to start calling it "Shotfunning"... sounds less painful that way.

Anyways, first up we've got proof that, just like teenagers the world over, professional authors have just too much time on their hands, and obsess like drooling fanboys over other people's works. Specifically, the phenomenon that is Harry Potter has spawned two of America's top authors to plead with J.K. Rowling concerning her final book. John Irving, creator of "The World According to Garp", and Stephen King, creator of a whole pile of books meant to scare the pants off of people, have collaborated to beg Rowling to not kill of Potter in the final book. Mind you, she hasn't actually said who will die in the story, but she has made it clear that at least two main characters will see the final pages from inside the literary equivalent of a pine box. It seems a bit odd for King to be requesting saving a character, given that he carved his own career by liberally killing off characters left and right from his stories. Of course, he has yet to completely kill of his acting career. Maybe his next book needs to feature a celebrity who spouts anti-Semitic diatribes while engaging in a rampage against cops. King can play the gruff police chief.

Moving on, when is big business not really all that big? Apparently, when it shows up on the list of businesses that the White House has given grants to. In an effort to make themselves seem more small-business friendly, the WH has gone so far as to refer to companies such as the Associated Press, ExxonMobil and Microsoft as small business when talking about grants given to such organizations. Honestly, it's hard to think of many larger businesses that could have received government money. Of course, the companies claim that they were misrepresented by the WH itself, saying that they never referred to themselves with the designation of "small". This seems entirely possible, as I'm sure that GDub calls Halliburton a "Mom & Pop startup."

And what of GDub and his recent physical exam? Well, the man who launched a war that appears to have no end with Iraq, steadfastly refuses to encourage peace resolutions between Israel and Hezbollah, and who is constantly under fire for taking the democracy we call America into increasingly imperialistic directions somehow has a resting heart-rate comparable with professional athletes. Other items of note from the physical are that he's gotten a little fatter since his last physical (both in terms of weight gain and body fat percentage), that he rarely experiences acid reflux, and that his long distance vision is slipping. Well, in all honesty, pretty much everyone in the global community, doctor or not, could have told you that GDub's long distance vision was slipping. After all, he thought that Iraq would be a quick engagement, and he firmly believes (still) that Israel is right on the verge of wiping out Hezbollah and returning to the "peaceful" relations they've always had with the rest of the Middle East.

To quote Mel Brooks, apparently, "It's good to be the king."

Sprucing up the joint

The future is now, and it seems that even the White House pressroom is making efforts to catch up with the rising tide of technology. Ever since the hiring of talking head Tony Snow as the official talking head for the White House, the press briefings have taken on an aspect leaning more and more towards entertainment, rather than simple information dissemination. With new plans in the works for video capabilities, it seems even more likely that the press briefing is going to become its own form of television.

True, the Bush Administration has utilized the available technologies more than previous administrations, running the gamut from video walls behind speakers to emphasize a point all the way to prepackaging videos for news organizations. But by adding video into the daily press briefing, it serves to reinforce the idea that the adminstration is not simply putting a PR spin on their activities, but that they're going to make that PR spin as glossy and shiny as they possibly can.

Just think. In a few short months, we can tune in to seeing Tony Snow talking in front of a video wall showing proud Americans supporting the President. We could hear the voice of "Gin" Rummy echoing over a flag blowing in the wind. There's the subtle chance that we could have Condi talking while superimposed into a Godzilla movie, as she battles the radioactive lizard into submission. And, with greenscreen technology, we could finally see the Decider in Chief strutting his way through a western ghost town, with pistols at the ready, just in case Dirty Kim Jong Il pops up with his gang of ruffians.

You know, this may not really be a bad thing, after all. Especially given that, given their actions recently and reactions to those actions, Lindsey Lohan and Mel Gibson may soon find themselves looking for new avenues to explore their talents. Where better than in the SnowBush White House, directed by Oliver Stone and produced by 20th Century Fox?

Who am I kidding. Stone would have far too many conspiracy theories bouncing around his skull to direct that picture.

The Slur strikes back

If we ever needed more proof that politicians are not coming close to paying attention to what's going around them, we recently received it. No, not the United States attitude towards Iraq, or Israel, or even Iowa. No, we got confirmation in the form of Massachussetts governor Mitt Romney. And, actually, it does tie into Iowa, because it was in front of a group of Iowa Republicans that Gov. Romney proved that those who don't learn from history (or even pay attention to the fact that something happened) are doomed to repeat it.

Apparently on Saturday, during a fundraising speech (Romney wants to run for President) in Ames, the Governor was talking about the Big Dig tunnel project, a project that has had problems almost since day one. Well, in describing the project, he made mention of the fact that maybe he shouldn't have taken responsibility for it, and referred to the project as a "tar baby".

Wait a minute.... haven't we experienced this before? Oh, that's right. Back in May, Tony Snow got into some hot water after the press conference where he made mention of "hugging the tar baby". He quickly came under fire for making a potentially racist comment, and for the overall lack of sensitivity required to make the comment. Romney, by making the same connection in describing a different situation, proves that he wasn't aware enough to look back three month to the last time a politician got into hot water over the same word choice.

Almost enough to make me wonder which public figure is going to be the next to make some potentially racist slur and be forced to apologize, shortly after another figure has made a similar slur. Seems like the next one on the chopping block would be disparaging comments against Jews. After all, we can't let Mel Gibson stand alone. Two men have to enter before one man can leave.

They're just like real people

Celebrities, I mean. After all, even though they are definitely the cultural figures that so many emulate, it's nice to see that, every once in a while, they get brought back down to earth.

Take for example, Mel Gibson. The man behind "The Passion of the Christ" may have found himself a new passion. That new passion, at least temporarily, unites him with rockstars through the ages, as well as far too many club kids. That's right... Mad Max got himself a DUI. The bail, which would be a little high for many, I'm sure is barely even a drop in the bucket that is the Gibson piggy-bank. Of course, as Kate Moss was able to recently prove, little problems with substance abuse (even alcohol) don't necessarily mean the end of the party. And, with at least four upcoming projects, there shouldn't be a worry that this Patriot will be able to ride high again.

The same may not be able to be said for Lindsay Lohan, the target of an irate letter from one of the producers for her current project, "Georgia Rule". Apparently, little Miss Lohan has been skipping work, and showing up late when she does make it in. Well, time is money and all that jazz. But to the people behind "Georgia Rule", when you decide to work with one of the most notorious party girls currently on the scene, you need to be aware that your schedule may just not meet their schedule. You don't want to deal with potential headaches for your film because of potential hangovers for your stars? Don't hire Lohan. Or Hilton. Or most of the actresses out on the scene currently.

Finally, what do you do when the whole world is falling apart around you, and you're a political leader? Apparently, if you're GDub, you decide that, once you've had a little chat with PM Blair, you meet with some of the real movers and shakers that can motivate people. That's right, you invite this year's American Idols over. It just goes to show that there is no issue in the world, no matter the size and the possible repercussions, that our President won't overlook it for a moment to shine himself in a more favorable light. I just hope that tonight will also feature a call-in show where we get to vote off one of them.

Lead by example

Unfortunately, when the example being set is similar to what the United States is doing right now with regards to global relations, maybe it's better to lead by getting the hell out of the way.

After all, for a while now, North Korea has been threatening to put together missles capable of travelling long distances and carrying a potentially nuclear payload. The war with Iraq took a turn for the worse right around the time that the US military removed Saddam from power and was unable to quell the civil war that sprung up around them (contrary to what "Gin" Rummy thinks, Iraq is definitely embroiled in a civil war). Relations with China and Russia have gotten weaker as our Cowboy in Chief has made it clear that he expects the world to follow his skewed vision, without regards for what's best for their country or the rest of the planet. And, with the war raging between Israel and Hezbollah, the United States is among the few, if not the only, nation not calling for an immediate cease-fire and a peace-keeping force.

In a prime example of how the US is not making the global situation better, after United Nations conferences in Rome were unable to reach an agreement on how to stop the Israel/Hezbollah fighting (coincidence that the US, one of the few countries that doesn't think Israel has been a bit heavy-handed with its retaliation, is also one of the few countries with UN veto power?) Secretary Rice travelled to Malaysia (Really?) to meet with leaders of the Asian world. And to play the piano... probably some Brahms, "something that is in accordance with (her) serious mood." Meanwhile nations of the world realize how much influence the US has with Israel, and, due in no small part to the targetting of an embassy in Lebanon, are stressing that the United States needs to put pressure on the Israelis to stop the fighting.

The problem that lies therein is that, while the US does hold a large amount of sway with Israel, there's absolutely no indication that we will urge them to stop bombing Lebanon. After all, if they look at our example, they only need to focus on the tragic attacks of September 11, and our retaliation to that. And no, I'm not talking about the movies.

Actually, maybe they should look at how the US decided to exact vengeance for the attacks on our soil. If they did, then the fighting against Hezbollah would stop, and someone who may only be loosely tied through similar beliefs would be the subject of Israel's misguided rage. Could be bad tidings for Syria...

Oh, and in a note related to yesterday's post, apparently Michael Steele doesn't actually feel that being a Republican will make his campaign more difficult to run. In fact, he refers to GDub as his "Homeboy". Makes you wonder if somewhere the ghost of John Kerry's presidential campaign will bite Steele on this one.

From Washington to Chicago

Welcome back for another shotgunning session.

First up, it looks like even certain members of the GOP are starting to realize just how the public is currently viewing the Republican party. In fact, a Senate candidate in Maryland is acknowledging that his party affiliation alone could make it difficult to win the election. In fact, Michael Steele is so disillusioned with his own party that he doesn't want GDub to entertain the notion of campaigning for him, and that he feels that the GOP-led Congress needs to start getting more accomplished to help the country. Of course, Democrats feel that Steele isn't playing hard enough with the Republican party, and are trying to make him appear weak in standing up to the President. Maybe I'm completely offbase here, but wouldn't being too weak to stand up to the President and the GOP make someone a Democrat?

Moving on, Stephen Colbert's "The Colbert Report" was recently called into question by the hard-hitting reporters on, um, Good Morning America and NBC's Today Show. Right, the same people who devote half-hour segments to the newest fashion in baseball caps have started to wonder why politicians (or anyone, for that matter) would bother to appear as guests on "The Colbert Report". So, of course, Stephen fired back. As for why politicians (or anyone) would want to appear on "The Colbert Report" or "The Daily Show", well, they're both incredibly hip programs that appeal to younger voters. They both have charismatic hosts that are also good interviewers. They both give an opportunity to show that you have a sense of humor about the subjects being asked. After all, people in the public spotlight have to be aware of these programs, and the tones of such. Well, except for Pat Robertson. But he's still waiting for the Rapture to take him away to the place where all little hate-mongers go.

Finally, the city of Chicago is taking drastic steps to curtail unhealthy, annoying, or immoral activities. Sure, outlawing cigarette smoking in public places makes good health sense, and even smokers will eventually go along with the plan. Stopping the use of trans-fat by restaurants also leads to good health results. And banning the use of cell phones while driving will cut down on the number of accidents and should help ease traffic in an overly congested city. But seriously, banning foie gras? Because of how it's harvested? This particular measure seems a little drastic. I mean, has Chicago found a way to prevent all crime? (Nope.) Was there maybe something else that could use the focus? (The scandal in City Hall, maybe.) Is micromanaging every portion of a citizen's life through laws really in the best service of the people of the city? (Apparently Chicago thinks so.)

But maybe I'm being a little drastic. Maybe what will result from the foie gras ban is that Chicago will become a more enlightened city, a shining beacon glimmering against the oppression and hate that is the world outside of Illinois. Or maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that they've started down a slippery slope that can only end with a law preventing people from trimming their toenails on Thursdays during Must See TV.

Oops

What do you call it when your public relations people decide to plant a little of their own moralistic views into an announcement about your feelings? If you're the Bush White House, you get that same public relations person to say, "Sorry."

For those that may have missed it, apparently, Tony Snow overstepped his bounds a bit by saying that GDub feels that stem cell research is akin to murder. This was Snowjob's way of explaining why a President who hadn't issued a single veto his entire time in office decided to use that power on a medical issue. But no worries. Snowjob felt just awful about the whole thing.

Here's the real catch, though. Why did Snow apologize? Did he truly feel he'd overstepped his bounds? Well, maybe, but the biggest reason is because he gave Josh Bolten, the WH Chief of Staff, a headache to deal with.

Although one question from the whole debate keeps not getting asked. If we can't use embryonic stem cells because those embryos may one day become a fully grown human, can we use cells from convicts on death row? After all, Texas, where the Great Decider hails from, apparently doesn't hold the same regard for human life once it's been convicted of crimes as they do when said life is barely started, and is stored in freezers.

A cease-fire on talks about a cease-fire

The United Nations is strongly urging a cease-fire to be declared between Israel and Lebanon. The United States, however, is standing firm against the notion, even while claiming that they would like to see the fighting stop. Given that the US is one of the few nations who has the ability to override a UN resolution with a veto (and hey, GDub just learned how to use his after five years), any amount of dragging of heels on our behalf can quickly squelch any talks.

But why is the United States so resistant to allowing this way of thinking to carry through? In the immortal words of Tony Snow, "at this point, there's no indication that Hezbollah intends to lay down arms." Which is technically true. But given that Israel has responded to Hezbollah's actions with force that most of the world views as excessive, there's not a whole lot of reason for them to lay down their arms. For their part, Hezbollah doesn't recognize Israel as a state, which, up until the mid-1940's was completely accurate. Meanwhile, Israel has aggressively waged campaigns with the intention of trying to dismantle and destroy opposing nations, even while being forced to defend its own borders.

Ultimately, it should come as no surprise that the United States is throwing its support and weight behind Israel in the current conflict. After all, the Israeli state was largely supported and bolstered by the United States ever since its inception, and the US knows that, if Israel falls completely, they will lose footing and face in the Middle East.

Now I am by no means condoning the actions of Hezbollah, nor am I decrying Israel as purely the enemy and the evil face of this war. One cannot justly deny that Hezbollah brought Israel's wrath down upon itself by kidnapping Israeli soldiers, and holding them hostage. One also cannot deny that Israel has mounted a far more aggressive campaign than is justified, and has had little concern for the casualties they are causing. After all, there is evidence that Israel not only encouraged people to evacuate Beirut, but that they then bombed the caravans leaving the city.

Of course, through this conflict, we've had GDub swearing into microphones, acknowledging racism in his first appearance at the NAACP (after multiple invitations), and improperly groping the German Chancellor. If that isn't an acknowledgement of a cowboy who's intent on leading with bravado and not reason, I'm not sure what is.

Compassionate reporting

Elizabeth Smart, the young woman who was kidnapped from her home in Salt Lake City back in 2002 (and recovered in March of 2003) appeared recently on CNN's "Nancy Grace" show to discuss the new national sex offender bill that she is championing. Host Nancy Grace seemed interested in holding a very different interview.

Basically, what we have here is a complete and utter failure to communicate. Elizabeth, who had already dealt with numerous interviews over the past three years regarding her abduction, has moved on as best as she possibly can. She has decided to use the experience to fuel her desire to push the new national legislation. Nancy Grace, on the other hand, made the determination that she would garner more viewers, and milk sympathy out of those that were watching by once again trying to get answers to inane questions about the abduction. Even when Elizabeth made it clear that she was appearing for a different reason, Nancy nodded, pretended to understand, and pressed ahead with further questions about what the captivity was like.

Mind you, this is coming from the same network that, while Israel and Hezbollah were shooting missles at each other, kept wondering "Middle East: Brink of War?" CNN used to be an official news organization, but with reporters like Grace, and an unwillingness to call a war when they see one, the question has to become whether or not they're still viable in covering the news, or if they've fallen down the same slippery slope that has plagued the other 24-hour news networks since their inceptions.

Looking at the website for the program has me already picturing what the conversation with Yvette Cade (who was horribly burned by her husband) may contain. For example:

NG: So, exactly how did the odor of burning flesh affect your sense of smell.
YC: It was awful. But I really don't want to talk about that.
NG: I understand. I know that it's hard for victims to relive their experiences. So, how exactly did the fire race across your skin.

Let's hope that I'm horribly horribly wrong about that potential conversation. If I'm not, then someone please find a way to GET THIS WOMAN OFF THE TELEVISION. Replace her with something wholesome. Y'know, like have an hour of screeching weasels.

You can call it "FOX on CNN".

By any other name

The battles between Israel and Hezbollah are definitely causing the world to take notice of the region, and the destructive capabilities contained therein. Unfortunately, the people representing the United States seem to be incapable of actually focusing on the Middle East and what's actually happening.

Take, for example, Tony Snow, the White House Press Secretary. First off, when Helen Thomas, whom the Snowjob has bashed heads with before, called into question the US veto of the UN cease-fire resolution, Snow attacked her by thanking her for her "Hezbollah view". Then, in a different press conference, he gets caught in his own double speak, first calling the battle a war, and then quickly correcting himself. It's almost as though Snowjob feels that, if you just refuse to call something what it is, it loses those key properties that make it exactly what it is. We'll try that theory ourselves. For example, I shall stop referring to any debt owed to companies as bills. I'm going to call cigarettes happy fun sticks. And I'm going to call GDub an idiot. Because at least one of these things should still ring true.

But Snow isn't the only member of the press who has a difficult time when referring to the war going on between Israel and its neighbors (lest we forget, they're still attacking Gaza, too). Thankfully, one news source is making sure to call what they see, and they're calling the rest of the news to task on it. Thank you, Jon Stewart.

In other news, it appears that US Airways has decided to start putting ads on their air-sickness bags. Apparently the thinking is that the bags are there, and they may as well get some use (and some financial kick-back) out of them. While not a frequent flier by any means, I'm pretty certain that placing ads on the bags will definitely increase their usage. Maybe come fall I'll jump on an US Airways flight, and fill my Sony brand airsickness bag with some CBS brand egg from my earlier breakfast.

Live from St. Petersburg

By now, pretty much everyone across the world is at least familiar with the "accidental" exchange between GDub and Tony Blair concerning the conflict in Lebanon. And by now, many have established their own interpretations of what happened. Given that the President, when he learned of the mistake, apparently "rolled his eyes and laughed" when shown a transcript of his own words, it seems almost impossible to continue to hope that there will actually be any strong resolution proposed by Washington.

Plain and simple, even if it was truly an accident that the microphone was live, this is another example of the cowboy diplomacy that Bush has engaged in throughout his Presidency, and appears ready to continue following through with. He is the type of leader who feels that he can bully people into doing what he wants, and, like most bullies, he is unable to see his own failings with regards to his goals. Cowboy diplomacy launched the war with Iraq, and now it appears set to cause the conflict to spill out even further into the Middle East. GDub believes that by simply flexing his muscles, he can get Syria and other ME nations to weigh in on stopping this conflict, when all it tends to do is stir the pot more.

What our Cowboy fails to truly realize is that he is stepping into a ghost town, and the rival gang, while not holding the strength in either numbers or dedication, does hold the power of conviction. Bush is a lame duck President, who almost seems driven to push the global perception of the United States into never-before-seen lows, leaving a mess behind for whoever is unlucky enough to take the office in 2008. Without strong and thought-out leadership, America will continue to flounder in the political morass, while conflicts will keep pounding on our doors.

We have a spoiled child as a President, and, before too long, he's going to just get bored, pick up his toys, and walk away.

Leaks: Packaged for your approval

The recent attacks against the NY Times for its role in leaking information regarding the surveillance of financial records have certainly brought a blight to that newspaper, as well as other papers that picked up the story quickly. By making mention of the secret Treasury Department program, the Times brought the program itself under intense scrutiny, and may very well have made the prospect of curtailing terrorist activity that much harder.

Except for one minor, insignificant detail. As it turns out, the Treasury Department was fully expecting the leak, and even had a press plan in place for just such an occasion. Conveniently, this press plan was followed when the Times wanted to go to print with their article.

So what does this mean? Unfortunately, it means far too little. Especially in a world where the leaders of the strongest nations on the planet meet but can't come to a resolution about what to do concerning the Hezbollah/Israel conflict. Especially in a world where former political leaders can outright state that there should simply be a declaration of World War III, so that we can move forward accordingly.

But hey, maybe this means that, in a few short months, we'll see a report that Valerie Plame actually outed herself to Robert Novak in a press release. Actually, given the current administration's tendencies towards veiling the truth from the public, I'm surprised we haven't seen it yet.

But at least we'll be able to get commercials with breakfast, even if we leave the TV off.

The American Way

Welcome to another Friday, and another round of shotgunning.

First up, the whole situation revolving around Valerie Plame is about to take an interesting twist, as she and her husband Joseph Wilson have decided to sue "Scooter" Libby, KRove, and VPFudd, amongst others. Basically, the lawsuit is levying attacks against those that outed her for destroying her career simply to further their own aspirations. What the lawsuit should be about is the endangerment of any operation she has ever done, and put at risk the lives of her, her family, and any of her contacts made while working for the CIA. After all, isn't that what the administration is accusing the NYTimes of being guilty of with regards to leaking the financial surveillance information? Better question, especially in light of the Fitzgerald investigation. Isn't suing these guys kind of like the civil case against OJ Simpson?

Secondly, seriously, Israel, stop bombing people. The area is already bad enough, and tensions are high, without you going around and dropping bombs on Lebanon, Palestine, and anywhere else you feel appropriate. No wonder the leader of Hezbollah is calling you out. Of course, maybe you believe that you're in the right, and you may have some valid points. But there should at least be some consideration for global relations, given that most of the world wants a full cease-fire reached. All except for the Imperial Decider, who has kindly asked that there be a curtailing of violence by Israel. Not a full-out stop, but GDub has asked that they Israelis limit the amount of damage they cause. It'd be nice if they interpreted "limit" as prevent, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Finally, in a piece of press that shouldn't really come as much of a surprise, Pete Coors, former Senate candidate and owner of Coors Brewing Company, was arrested. For DUI. True, he wasn't much above Colorado's .08 limit, but he was above it, and was cited properly for it. Doesn't really seem to fit with the flow of "Drink Responsibly", an ad campaign that, in spirit at least, has been promoted by all alcohol producers for quite some time now. Maybe this means that Coors will have a new campaign, with a picture of Pete being pulled over. Run the tagline "Don't Do What We Did." It might sell.

Losing touch

First off, let's pretend that you're Israel. Okay? Are you pretending? Good. Now...

STOP BOMBING PEOPLE. Especially when you're already on tenuous footing in global views, and the only guy who's on your side is the Decider reviled the world over.

Moving on. Ann Coulter, sometimes referred to in hushed tones as She Who Makes Satan Look Good, also sometimes referred to as Michael Berryman in a wig, has suffered through her trials and tribulations, especially since the release of Godless. The attacks of her views on national news programs and the outcry and accusations of plagiarism immediately leap to mind. Just because she happens to hold viewpoints that make certain infamous people from history look like kitten-hugging hippies (I'm looking at you, Mengele), and just because she decided that she wanted to lift full sentences and then replace a single word, passing it off as her own (you're not escaping my gaze, Viswanathan) doesn't mean she's a bad person, right? Right?

And given that she's obviously not a bad person, is it really fair that newspapers around the country are beginning to wonder if maybe her opinions column is no longer worth printing? Maybe The Gazette of Cedar Rapids, IA was a little hasty in pulling the column ahead of the rest of the nation. Except for the fact that Ms. Coulter has finally started to alienate the only people who were reading her in the first place, the conservatives, and causing the paper to receive complaints, this just seems like a typical knee-jerk reaction from the liberal media.

So does this mean that she's going to finally start keeping herself quiet, or will this harpy take the opportunity to blast everyone yet again with her opinions, and slam the newspapers that once gave her a pedestal from which to spew her vitriol? My bet rests firmly with the second option.

Perking up in the Garden State

The good citizens of New Jersey can rejoice, and it's a good bet that a decent number of them will be rejoicing between the sheets. After a two month hiatus, Medicaid prescriptions in NJ once again cover Viagra and other erectile medications.

In a bold move, aimed at keeping people sexually gratified even if they can't get it up under normal circumstances NJ's Governor Corzine has made efforts to include the drugs once again into programs that help low-income citizens get the prescriptions they need. The biggest roadblock now? Reinstituting the program that weeds out convicted sex offenders from those that are eligible to recieve the pills.

True, there's a quality of life issue at stake here, and the number of men that get prescribed for Viagra or its fellows tend to discover other diseases that they'd never have learned about if they couldn't get it up on their own, but how important is it to include these drugs into the state's drug benefits? After all, education budgets are being slashed everywhere, and NJ is also experiencing less money for municipalities, nevermind an overall increase in taxes. Is it really the best use of money to make sure people can continue having pill-enhanced (or capable) sex while students are given substandard texts?

All in all, it's probably pretty safe to declare New Jersey as Rush Limbaugh's new favorite state.

Better late than never

Although 300 years may be a little much. Even for a witch.

On Monday, the governor of Virginia finally overturned the only witch conviction his state had ever seen. The conviction came after a "water trial", where the suspect in question was believed to be a witch if they were able to float. Given that Grace Sherwood, the woman in question, floated, she was declared as being guilty of witchcraft, although there is evidence that, while she may have been jailed, she also quite possibly lived to die of natural causes.

This news coming out of Virginia yesterday is actually quite interesting, in a number of different lights. First of all, it points out the sheer ridiculousness of the trial itself, as a woman who was "dunked" could be found guilty of witchcraft by simply not drowning. Secondly, it shows a willingness by a politician to alter bad decisions of the past, which could lead to some hope for the country with future elections. Third, it demonstrates the sheer ridiculousness of many of the decrees of current government. After all, while it's a good thing to correct mistaken verdicts, is there ever a need to overturn a ruling of 300 years ago that caused prison time, but not, by many accounts, an overall loss of quality of life?

Of course, there are other examples of government changing things recently that don't necessarily hold such good will. For example, there's Tony Snow's declaration that the Bush Administration is not continuing the policies of the Clinton Administration with regards to North Korea. This should come as a "Duh" to anyone playing at home, especially when one focuses on the fact that during the Clinton presidency, North Korea had no measurable nuclear potential.

But the Snowjob doesn't finish there, as his recent declaration over the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo exhibits. He's stating that the change in the way prisoners will be treated and tried isn't a reversal of position by the administration. Which, I suppose, is technically true, given GDub would probably push his ideas further towards the military tribunals had the Supreme Court not shot him down.

Come to think of it, exonerating a witch after 300 years probably isn't such a bad move after all.

What warnings?

Back in 2002, the President was warned that the policies he was looking at enacting for detainees at Guantanamo Bay would lead to severe political backlash, along with possible declarations of illegality for the activities. Opponents of the harsh treatments stood firmly on the side of thought that said even terror suspects are protected under Geneva Convention. GDub, and his minions, disagreed, and have been working to establish a legal "outer space". The recent Hamdan decision by the Supreme Court should have theoretically put a stop to the bickering, especially as they stated that putting the detainees up before a military tribunal was illegal and in violation of our own policies.

It didn't, as Georgie took a route different from a semi-expected "let's pick up our toys and go home" approach. Nope. GDub has firmly kept himself in the same spot, it's just that now he's inviting different kids to play with his toys. The Court's decision has led to the President and his political allies doing everything just a few steps shy of calling political enemies traitors for attempting to curtail his powers, and the judges of the Supreme Court are simply an "imperialist judiciary [that believes war] should be within its grasp." Or, at the very least, that's the position espoused by professor John Yoo, who played a large part in the writing of the anti-terror documentation.

And what have we learned from this? We've learned that when the Supreme Court makes a decision in favor of the administration and its policies, they're heroes. When they rule against GDub and cronies, they're traitors and "imperialists". And we've also learned that it doesn't really matter, because there's currently a push going on to rewrite pieces of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, the document that made it illegal for Bush to put detainees before tribunals, by giving presidents the power to toss any criminal they feel before a military tribunal.

What else have we learned today? Well, we've learned that potential criminals who are awaiting trial for money laundering could still get elected to office. That's right. Tom Delay is saying that he may have no choice but to run for the position he vacated when the came under legal scrutiny in the first place. Of course, given the (potential) history of money laundering, it probably wouldn't be all that difficult to raise the funds needed to make the run.

Do you smell that on the breeze, America? That's freedom. Or methane gas.

On the 7th day of July

We shotgun, now new and improved with links!

First up, the President has decided to travel the country. He's holding a news conference in Chicago, to kick off his concept of making occasional trips outside of Washington to "learn what's on Americans' minds". Of course, this should strike everyone as being a bit odd. Now he wants to learn what the public is thinking? Isn't this the same guy who decided that poll numbers didn't really matter? Now, I'm not going to say that polls are actually a good representation of what the average person is feeling on any given subject, but it's at least a start in the right direction. Maybe all of this traveling will actually cause the President to see what his policies have wrought across America. Or maybe the audiences will be filled with pre-selected individuals, allowing GDub to bury his head further into the belief that his administration is helping the people.

But even with that, thank goodness that GDub has Tony Snow working for him. After all, the Press Sec'y is well-informed, and can pass along necessary information to the President wherever he should be. For example, Snowjob, during a recent press briefing, was able to talk about the Mexican election. Or not. Psst... Tony? The winner was Calderon. At least until the ballots get recounted. Then it might not be Calderon. Either way, read the paper before you go to a briefing, because you're supposed to be the one passing the information along to the press, not the other way around.

Of course, the world doesn't stop spinning just because Snowjob doesn't have enough facts to keep the spin going himself. In a report by New Scientist we learn that it's possible for nuclear weapons to explode accidentally. Not saying that they could make a big boom unattended, with nothing happening. But they certainly could be detonated by a car crash, or by an attack on a convoy. Given that nuclear weapons are quite often shipped overland for inspection, there is a risk of these "single-point safe" bombs becoming highly dangerous. True, there have to be other failures along the way, but the fact that the UK Ministry of Defence is admitting that the risk exists should cause ears to perk up around the globe. Which also means that we're a relatively short time away from someone in the US declaring the MoD as being panicky, and not supportive of the efforts to curtail violence globally. After all, you can't stop violence without creating more violence, especially if you're in the Pentagon.

And finally, it wouldn't be a fair shotgun of fun if there wasn't at least some bizarre celebrity story. No, not the concept that Suri Cruise may not actually exist (although she'd better, given that Katie Holmes had to suffer through 11+ months of pregnancy to bring the Antichrist to Earth). Nope. We're just going to ignore the lack of proof of A.C. Cruise, just like Messiah Jolie-Pitt shall until the time has come for their final confrontation at the End of Days. Today, we receive word from Paris Hilton, as she declares that “If you see pictures of me out I’m being paid." Which makes her the only person other than Shane MacGowan to make a career out of being drunk 24/7. It's also a thin cover story for the side job that Paris has; prostituting herself. After all, can you think of any other job where you're paid simply for being seen?

I found it on Wikipedia

The recent death of Kenneth Lay has served a number of different purposes. One, it has brought tragedy to a family that was already figuring out how to cope without their patriarch due to a potentially lengthy prison term. Two, it has prompted conspiracy theorists to crawl out of the woodwork to insist that Lay isn't actually dead, but that he faked everything in order to get out of serving any of his sentence. And three, it has pointed out one of the weaknesses in Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia.

Now, overall, Wikipedia can actually be a fairly positive thing, as the pooling together of global information, especially when it can be edited by the rest of the online community, should lead to better dissemination of that information. And yet, therein also lies the tragic flaw of the Wikipedia, as there is no actual body of editors or fact-checkers, and anyone can edit the entries therein by simply signing up for a free membership. An entry can be incorrect, fixed by a more reliable source, such as the creator or a close personal confidante, and then returned back to the incorrect form by someone certain that they have the facts right because that's "just the way they've heard it".

For example, Ken Lay's biography had, in less than one hour, seven different causes of death, ranging from the basic ("yet to be determined") to the farfetched ("The guilt of ruining so many lives finally [sic] led him to his suicide"), before it finally settled on citing KHOU-TV out of Houston for the information regarding a heart attack. Had it taken longer to come to an actual cause of death, we may have found Wikipedia entries talking about how Lay died battling aliens in a valiant attempt to save the world from further Enron scandals, all the while letting the Holy Grail slip through his fingers to rest eternally in the embrace of Mother Earth. Or that he'd strapped on some Acme rocket shoes and miscalculated his flightpath.

The free and willing spread of information is a good thing, and it's always positive to see as many different sources working together to get the words out in a highly informative way. That is where the Wikipedia shines. But, without more stringent editorship, or, at least, a willingness to search out authorities on the subjects, then the Wikipedia will never be more than what it currently is. A jumble of webpages, some good, some bad, united under a common theme of "I'm pretty sure it's this way."

The right hand

The Valerie Plame incident just keeps getting more and more tangled, and now, we can't be certain exactly what anyone that may or may not be involved knows. Apparently, during an interview with the prosecutors in the case, President Bush admitted that he had specifically instructed VP Cheney to lead an effort to help discredit former ambassador Joseph Wilson. Wilson, of course, is Plame's husband, and was a large opponent of the war in Iraq. So now we have evidence that GDub was willing to do pretty much anything (up to and including potentially illegal activities) to keep opposing viewpoints silenced.

Of course, this shouldn't come as much of a shock when you look at the current administration's record with regards to signing statements and any other suspicious and questionable activity with relation to presidential powers. It also shouldn't come as much of a shock that Bush claims that, while he may have directed Cheney to release classified information, he wasn't aware that Cheney passed the instructions on to "Scooter" Libby, and then Libby leaked it to the press rather than get it declassified and simply announce it to the American people directly.

So let's get this absolutely correct. Libby is indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. Bush, shortly before the indictment, announced that anyone found guilty of crimes in relation to the leak case would no longer have a place within the administration. We now have evidence that Cheney and Bush were definitely working together (by the Great Decider's own words) to release classified information in what could only be referred to as a leak. Of course, both GDub and Fudd are claiming that they never instructed Plame's name to be leaked, or her status within the CIA, but it's not too hard for one to imagine that, in an effort to discredit someone, casting a suspicious light on their spouse might not be all that bad of a way to do it.

And what will come out of this whole thing? Well, if the past six years have shown us anything, the answer is absolutely nothing. Truth be told, it wouldn't be surprising to see pardons come down on high as soon as the investigation is over and all indictments have been handed out. Worked for Nixon, after all. And to think, a decade ago the country impeached a President for what amounts to being an incorrigable lecher, but there's absolutely nothing being done regarding a President who has made his term of office one that violates and suspends civil rights in order to increase his own power.

Of course, for those that believe 2008 can't come fast enough, realize that a lot of the GOP is looking to Jeb Bush as a potential running mate for their candidates, thus (potentially) prolonging the legacy. True, he's often referred to as the smarter of the two Bush brothers, but how hard can that be when GDub has the IQ of steamed beets?

The world is watching

And they're not horribly approving.

For example, look at the British. They used to admire the United States, and even looked to us as a "beacon of hope for the world". Not quite the case anymore. Now, 77 percent of those polled strongly disagree. Only 12 percent trust the US to act wisely in global affairs. Keep in mind that during Vietnam, that number was hovering right around 25 percent.

To be fair, the British don't really think that all Americans are hopeless. In fact, 70 percent of them like Americans to some extent. Unless you're in power. The American government is looking at the fact that over three-fourths of the people polled think that GDub is a "horrible leader" and two-thirds are fairly certain that the United States has shifted completely from being the isolationist country it was a century ago, into an imperialistic nation looking to expand it's territory. Of course, the British have absolutely no experience with imperialism and expansion of territory.

Basically, this poll points out that a lot of the British have many of the same criticisms as a lot of Americans. There is an overall lack of faith in what the Bush administration is capable of, and the tasks that have been accomplished seem futile in the face of greater issues.

Almost makes you wonder how Americans would rank Tony Blair? Wait... that's a silly question. Far too many Americans would respond with "Tony Who?"

Rest assured, though. The UK isn't the only place where there's discontent with the United States. North Korea is pretty upset about a number of things, including fly-overs (which they believe to be espionage), and the threat of a pre-emptive strike by the US. They've gone so far as to threaten that, if attacked, they will respond with nuclear strikes, with the intention of launching the planet into an atomic war.

And they're just crazy enough to do it.

It's kind of like handing the school bully a box of dynamite, and then yelling at him when he wants to prove that he has it. If you don't handle the situation carefully, he's going to just drop a match into that box and see what comes out of the ensuing chaos. It's just that this time, the bully has a perpetual frown, thick glasses, bizarre hair, and has starred in a Trey Parker movie.

But hey, Happy 230th Birthday, America!