Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 23, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. This week, with the holiday looming, we're going to put a bit of a Halloween spin on the awards. Yes, we know that Halloween isn't until Tuesday, but we want to be slightly ahead of the blogosphere on this one. Without further ado, let's get the skull rolling.

Toil and Trouble Award
News from the NRCC is that they are spending over 90% of their total advertising budget running negative campaign ads. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who's actually ingested any form of media over the last month or so. Upcoming spots will, of course, cast Hillary Clinton as a treacherous, plastic surgery-created vampire, and Amy Klobuchar will be accused of feasting on the souls of children. The downside is that GDub will get scared of the boogeyman and hide in the Oval Office for the next month.

Ain't Nothing But a Race Thing Award
This goes out to Tony Snow, everyone's favorite talking head, for thinking he's a bit "quaint" in not seeing the big deal over the outcry regarding the racist ads run in Tennessee. Snow firmly believes that the race card is always pulled when African American candidates run for office. Other things that Snow believes include that zombies exist in small communities in Michigan, and that kittens make excellent sandwich fixings.

Attack of the Living Kazakhs Award
Borat is gaining momentum with only a week to go before the movie opens. Now a Kazakh comic is planning on visiting London to get comic justice on Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Borat, for his portrayal of Kazakhstan. Jantemir Baimukhamedov is supposedly planning on bring Cohen's mother horse sausage and urine, to fuel his revenge and prove that Kazakhstan is not a backwards nation. Of course, first Baimukhamedov has to figure out how to fuel his sheep-powered wagon and find ways to express his desire "for to be making the funny".

Asking for It Award
Kevin Federline recently made a statement regarding how people feel about him. Specifically, he said, "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me." Unfortunately for the world as a whole, the reporter K-Fed spoke to didn't have the guts to admit that we already do.

Full Moon Award
No, this isn't what you're thinking. This goes out to the change in views expressed by Hillary Clinton regarding same-sex marriage. Whereas 2000 featured Hillary very opposed to the concept, she is now willing to embrace those who support it. Other changes Hillary has undergone over the past 6 years include a willingness to let a werewolf finally visit New York after it's done touring Paris and London, and a nod towards plastic surgery, by saying, "You know, maybe it would keep Bill around more if I at least did some botox."

It's a Doppelganger Award
This goes out to the Ohio Republican Party, for running a photo of Al Franken wearing a diaper and bunny ears. Problem is, the photo was obviously a composite, and obviously a fake. Other images that did not receive coverage included Keith Olbermann sucking his thumb while wearing overalls, Bill Clinton playing teeball with Roger, and, in a rare positive image for the GOP, placing Ann Coulter's head on the body of a woman.
Honorable mention goes to Elizabeth Hasselback, for finally rubbing enough brain cells together to realize that someone was making fun of her.

It's Only Torture if The Other Guy's Crying Award
We give this to VPCheney, for his admission of using the technique called "waterboarding" in the interrogation of criminals. Of course, Cheney doesn't feel that waterboarding is torture in the slightest, just a harsh form of interrogation. In all fairness, the VP didn't think waterboarding was torture when he first invented it, all while a young page slaving away for noteriety within the Spanish Inquisition.

Good Idea, Bad Idea Award
We give this to the United Nations. Good idea? Placing a peacekeeping force between Israel and Lebanon. Bad idea? Using Germans as the main peacekeepers. After all, there's not much love lost between Israel and Germany, and, as anyone who happens to have a Jewish grandmother knows, the Israelites have a notoriously long memory. Although it is a step up from the other proposed peacekeeping force... Syria.

Well, that wraps us up for another week. Have a good weekend, don't worry too much about what goes bump in the night, and stay safe out there.

1...2...26...27...7...8...

God bless Tony Snow, so that he knows that someone does. Apparently the Snowjob needs to go back to remedial math classes. Of course, by remedial, we do mean the classes where they teach counting. The White House Press Secretary just can't seem to figure out how many times The Decider used the term "stay the course".

Nevermind that doing a Google search of White House transcripts yields 100+ results. Also nevermind that Countdown with Keith Olbermann was able to discover 29 separate instances of that particular phrase being used. After GDub insisted on Sunday that he's never been "stay the course" with regards to the War in Iraq, Snowjob picked up on that, and insisted that the words were never uttered.

Under scrutiny, Tony Snow has gone and revised his original estimate. Of course, given that his previous job was working with faulty definitions of "fair" and "balanced" on FOXNews, we shouldn't be surprised that he's having trouble grasping vague concepts like numbers. Snow has recently admitted that GDub may have said those exact words a few times. Approximately eight times, by the White House count. This is a far cry from the 29 that Keith Olbermann discovered, and isn't anywhere near spitting distance of what a Google search can pull up.

Perhaps this should serve as a wake-up call to the GDub administration (not that they've paid attention to any of the other calls they've gotten during their six years). When you're press secretary needs to use his fingers to count up the number of times something was said, and he still gets it wrong, maybe you should look into a new press secretary. After all, putting a PR spin on things will never work if the information can be debunked almost as soon as it's made available.

Or maybe it's time to reanalyze "No Child Left Behind". While Snowjob isn't a product of that program, his inability to count all the way up to 29 makes one wonder about the education priorities of the administration as a whole.

Oh, and Tony? It's ok. Einstein failed at math once, too.

You know what they do to messengers

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is trying to offer some helpful advice to all of the GOP hopefuls running for election this coming November. He suggests that, to help win the election, the candidates should focus on things like tax cuts, and the drop in the price of gas.

Although it wouldn't seem like it needed to be said, Frist is also suggesting that GOP candidates don't talk about the war in Iraq, or the "terror issue".

Well, duh. After all, when you're running for office, and belong to a certain political party, why would you even consider bringing up points of conversation where it's fairly obvious your party leaders have made mistakes. Severe mistakes. Of course you should focus on the good things that you're party has done. It's almost as though Frist is going to a fraternity house and saying, "Guys, when advertising your next party, feel free to talk about the beer and games that are played. But, if I were you, I wouldn't mention the hazing or date rape."

The Democrats, of course, should be jumping all over this concept, if they want to win the Congress this November. After all, if the Senate Majority leader is telling his constituents to avoid talking about a certain issue because of how the GOP has handled it, why not make a different tactic on those issues a cornerstone of your campaigns? Of course, the Democrats, at least in Minnesota, are too busy defending themselves against some fairly outrageous claims (and some accurate ones, like the desire to repeal the tax breaks on the extremely wealthy) to even consider going on the offensive with something like this.

Which, of course, means that we're left waiting until the election, as one party doesn't want to talk about some of the biggest blights on our country in recent decades, and the other party is too dazed by all of the wadded-up pieces of Kleenex thrown their way to figure out how to mobilize even their plastic army figures.

But hey, thanks to Minnesota Public Radio, I can track my home election results from the comfort of my own blog. So can you, if you want. Hooray to widgets.

As a button

The race for Senate in New York is getting more interesting, as it steps further and further away from anything resembling politics. Republican John Spencer, who is running against Hillary Clinton, recently disparaged his opponent in the New York Daily News. How, you might ask? By alluding that she may have gotten plastic surgery.

Hillary, of course, responded, all the while complaining that the campaign has stepped to attacks on physical appearance.

Sure, the photo of Hillary from high school isn't terrific, but it was taken back when cameras were still being perfected. Besides, she had a much smaller penis in high school, and it's barely even noticeable in the photo.

For those at home wondering, yes, I'm joking. It's totally visible in the full photograph, just not in the published headshot.

Had Spencer focused more on the photos of Hillary at college, he might have had more ammunition to work with. Those pictures showed Hillary looking even more unkempt and unattractive than Chelsey Clinton did in her worst bouts of puberty. Of course, Spencer even minimized his own attacks by point out that Clinton "looks good now".

It's comforting to realize that, in a world with all the problems we've got currently facing us, including, but not limited to, North Korea with nuclear potential and Kazakhstan still worried how Borat could affect their reputation, we can see a political candidate step into the world of high fashion, and accuse his opponent of having once been anything less than attractive. God bless America indeed.

If the gloves don't fit, well... you know

Eleven years after the infamous trial that kept him out of prison, and almost eleven years since the civil case that found him guilty and ordered payments to the families, OJ Simpson is stepping back into the spotlight cast on him by the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. And he's doing it in possibly the worst-conceived way possible.

He's writing a book about how he could have done it.

True, Simpson is claiming that the accounts in the alleged book deal (alleged because nobody has owned up to wanting to publish as of yet) are simply "hypotheticals", but it still casts an odd light on the crime. The working title of the book is supposedly "If I Did It", which could cause millions to pause when they see it and question the usage of the word "If".

Simply put, Simpson has continued to profit since the trials, both from his football career, and, seemingly, from the very act that people continue to look at him skeptically for. The merest notion of publishing a book by Simpson revolving around the murders seems to be not only in bad taste, but an ill-advised marketing move.

If this book is truly going to be coming to bookstore shelves sometime soon, then I would like to humbly suggest making it into a series of books, all by different authors. For example, you could release Adolf Hitler's book "If I Did It: Memoirs of a Failed Art Student", R. Kelly's "If I Did It: Problems Finding a Toilet", and Madonna's "If I Did It: Kidnapping from Malawai".

Of course, it's probably just a matter of time before we find Mel Gibson's tell-all, "What Do You Mean 'If', Sugartits?"

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards, where we try and skewer as many stories as possible in a short span of time. Let's get things underway...

Don't Ask, Don't Vote Award
Republicans are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to make it known that they aren't anti-homosexual. As it turns out, they aren't really against gay rights, they just have to act, speak, and legislate that way because "that's where the votes are". In other news, the GOP is also going to come out as being in favor of limiting our role in Iraq, and of being against corporate kickbacks. Also, they don't truly think they are the party of God, but they are told to act that way by the Archangel Gabriel.

Our Hole's Bigger Than Your Hole Award
The hole in the ozone layer isn't getting any smaller. Even though the chemicals thought responsible for the hole were phased out twenty years ago, the hole has grown to about the size of North America. Finally, we have something to brag about at the Interplanetary Reunion, while we continue to laugh at Pluto's relocation to the children's table.

Well Duh Award
This award title could almost become a weekly feature. This time around we hand it out to the National Bureau of Economic Research, who released a study letting us know that FOXNews has influence over how people vote. This is due, at least partially, to the highly slanted style of "fair and balanced" that FOXNews presents (both "fair" and "balanced" being trademarks of the GOP). The author of the report even mentions that FOXNews may have "induced a general ideological shift." Future studies from the NBER include "Thumbs; Making Us Different Than Gerbils" and "Whatever Happened to Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' Campaign?"

Now You See It Award
Scientists have announced that they've created a sort of invisibility cloak, which works by deflecting light away from the object it's concealing. So far, they've been able to mostly shield a cylinder from microwaves, all while leaving a small shadow. Said scientists are, of course, trying to work on perfecting actual invisibility. After they achieve their goal, the individuals working on this technology may finally find out what the inside of a woman's bedroom looks like.

I'm So Sowwy Award
Kim Jong Il, the star of Team America: World Police, has announced that he is sorry for the nuclear weapons test. He even made mention that he may return to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, his aides are continuing the rhetoric that they will mount an offensive if sanctions get too harsh. Maybe they all need to get together into a well-choreographed, but ultimately stiff and puppet-like, dance number. Then maybe Kim won't be so "wonwy".

Run Away Award
We give this to Katherine Harris, who is not only slated to lose the seat she is campaigning hard in Florida for, but may lose many other seats in the deal. Harris is purportedly planning on selling her Washington, D.C. house to raise funds for her campaign. In all honesty, she is probably selling the house because she realizes the futility of her campaign, and doesn't foresee the need to spend much time in the nation's capitol.

Read My Lips Award
We give this to Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), for uttering those fatal words while standing by a debunked campaign ad. DeWine's assertion is that the ad is completely true, ignoring all the facts that prove him otherwise. Others who have said those words before a total lie include Paris Hilton, who said it before she announced her year of celibacy, and Mahatma Ghandi, before he swore he would "totally beat the ass of anyone who stepped on his sandals again."

It Worked For "The Office" Award
CBS has announced that it is the next network to bring over a non-game show from the UK. The import this time? The quirky, hard to classify "Viva Blackpool!". Hugh Jackman is listed as a possible guest star/executive producer. CBS is obviously hoping to gain the success of "The Office", while avoiding the pitfalls of "Coupling". Not wanting to be left out, ABC is looking to bring over "Benny Hill", and cast Andy Dick as the star.

The Passion of Madonna Award
NBC is going to be airing a special of Madonna's newest concert. Of course, the scene that drew the most ire during her tour, the crucifixion scene, will not be getting airtime. NBC, who recently let go of 700 staffers, is obviously trying to keep viewership from dropping them below even the CW in ratings. However, with some of the "sketches" used on NBC's "Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip" (and I use the word sketches loosely), NBC may want to consider reinserting Madonna on a cross, if only to allow Aaron Sorkin to write another almost funny bit about Christianity. Of course, as we all remember, Madonna already did the flogging reenactment years ago.

Is She Gone Yet? Award
I am an unabashed fan of Scarlett Johansson. I freely admit this. By the same token, isn't it time for her to take a bit of a break and let some other starlets soak up some silver screen time? Seriously, it seems like ever since Lost in Translation, she's had a movie in theaters almost every week. With The Prestige opening today, she adds another one to her belt. Future projects include another 17,203 films, guest appearances on every television show ever created (watch for her appearance in episode three of "I Love Lucy") and black market slave trades.

Well, that wraps up yet another week of awards. Thanks for joining us yet again as we stomp our way through the world's events. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Stay safe out there.

When life imitates art

It almost seems like a publicity stunt orchestrated to drum up viewership for Borat when it finally hits theaters this fall. Of course, many would say that Borat doesn't need any further stunts, due to a large pre-built fanbase on the internet, but Snakes on a Plane proved that being an online fan doesn't necessarily mean your seat will be in the theater when the movie opens.

Anyways, back to the incident that seems too ridiculous to be true. Apparently, the Kazakhstan central bank has made a slight error in printing their 2,000 and 5,000 tenge notes. The error? They misspelled the word "bank".

Of course, this mistake could lead to Borat making a press statement, talking about how the new, incorrect notes are better for the making of love purchase to one's sister's cow. The Kazakh president is already urging the bank to not distribute the money, which will be put into distribution and then slowly phased out through November.

Let me get this right. Kazakhstan is fighting to keep Borat from being screened worldwide, fearful of how they might be portrayed. They even enlisted the help of GDub, the great Decider, in trying to stop this pervasive influence from spreading, proving that, even overseas, politicians don't get humor. And then they misspell "bank".

This seems so far out of left field, that's it's almost too improbable to be true. And yet, it is. Of course, this is all just prior to the announcement that the Kazakh's have invited Sasha Baron Cohen to visit Borat's "homeland", giving themselves to prove that they aren't the backwards nation that he is portraying them to be. If they're really smart, they'll even offer to pay him for the extra publicity.

Possibly even in misprinted currency.

As the world turns

It almost sounds like something coming from the pages of a comic book. Heck, it sounds an awful lot like the premise behind NBC's Heroes, although not quite as super-powered. Scientists have published a recent study that shows that, eventually, the human race could split into two main subspecies.

Of course, the eventually that these scientists are talking about is around 100,000 years in the future.

Dr. Oliver Curry, the leading researcher behind the study, is already guessing that, within the next thousand years or so, the genetically blessed are going to average between six and seven feet tall, and be more physically attractive, more intelligent, and more creative than the genetic underclass. The cause behind all of this? Dr. Curry is blaming sexual selection, the process of being a little selective about who we procreate with, as opposed to just grabbing the first person we see at last call.

Aside from wondering exactly how this applies to people now, the other question that's being begged is, hasn't this already started happening, to an extent? Don't we already have a genetic upper- and lower-class? After all, look at a good portion of the celebrities we have out there. There are people who are famous simply because they look good. There are others who are equally famous for how horrible they look (Parisite Hilton springs to mind). And we most definitely have a genetic lower-class. One needs look no further than West Virginia to see that truth brought brutally to the forefront.

Of course, Dr. Curry makes bold predictions that, if people continue to be selective about their breeding patterns, we will eventually be left with race of square-jawed men and women with perky breasts, to combat the race of deformed "goblins" that are left behind. As we all know well, thanks to Peter Jackson, these differences will lead to war, a war that can only be finished by one of the goblins throwing the one ring made from the sinews of Emperor for Eternity GDub into the fires of Mt. Everest. Or Kilimanjaro.

Or the goblin will put on the ring and believe itself to be invisible, all while attacking any foreign country that looks at him sideways.

Iron oxidized

Does anyone remember Mike Tyson? The guy that beat up Robin Givens, tried to chew off another boxer's ear, and allegedly threw a television while in prison on a number of different charges? The man with a voice higher than Michael Jackson's, but with anger issues severe enough that nobody would mention it to his face? The guy who formerly went around as "Iron" Mike... who is now coming out of retirement (of sorts) to box for charity.

This actually may not be the worst idea that Tyson has ever had. After all, people will pay huge fees to watch men years past their prime try to knock each other out (I'm looking at you, George Foreman). And the mere notion of being able to see Tyson on pay-per-view has many that remember his glory years salivating over their credit cards, just waiting to be able to tune in the channel. Nevermind that Tyson himself said that the fights are probably only going to last around four rounds (the same time it took Uwe Boll to knock out four critics) during a press conference, and that his first "opponent" will be his former sparring partner. That's right, folks. Cough up the dough to watch Tyson beat on the guy he used to practice with.

But the scariest part, and the part that shows Tyson as being almost out of touch enough to get a job in the Bush White House, is that "Iron" Mike is also entertaining the notion of taking on women during his "World Tour". Tyson himself seems to think that the years of whispering sweet nothings to his opponent while chewing on the cartilege of the ear are far behind him. And even though Tyson is hoping to face-off against women who are professional boxers, like Ann Wolfe (21-1, 15KO), he has to realize the dangerous ground he's already stepped into by merely suggesting it.

Although, if Tyson really does want to box against a woman, I've got a couple of names I'd throw his way. Tonya Harding and Courtney Love could probably do a bit of a number of the big guy, especially if Courtney proposed, or Tonya had a tire iron. As for the dream match-up, the one that would get my hard earned dollars? I'd pay to see Mike Tyson take on Janet Reno. We all know that Reno's got the reach, and a killer hook. Just ask Bill....

Doing it again

The controversy surrounding ABC's decision to air "The Path to 9/11" is still fresh in our minds. After all, the docudrama had more drama than docu in it, and plenty of facts were either ignored outright, or twisted in such a way that the Bush Administration didn't shoulder any of the blame for what happened. In fact, the apparent only cause of the events of 9/11 was the Clinton White House, at least according to scriptwriter Cyrus Nowrasteh.

Now there is word that Nowrasteh is being asked to pen his second script on the nature of 9/11, this time for Paramount Pictures and the always controversial Oliver Stone. Nowrasteh is being asked to adapt the book "Jawbreaker", a story which once again praises GDub while attacking Clinton for the fact that bin Laden is still a free man.

This should really come as no surprise. After all, Oliver Stone loves to find controversay and conspiracy wherever he can. He's also become the recent champion for America's resolve, as "World Trade Center" proves. The fact that he should make the attempt to combine those two ideals into one picture is not surprising in the least. Paramount is also not a shock as a willing partner, because, well, controversy brings in the viewers, generally. The studio should make money on this deal, and that's the biggest concern for most movie studios. Lastly, we have Nowrasteh, but the man has already changed history once with a screenplay, so why not keep going?

Looking into the future, I think we can safely assume that Nowrasteh will continue re-writing history from a conservative bent, including telling of how the fighting in Iraq and North Korea's nuclear potential can be traced back to the Clinton administration. Of course, after 2008, when GDub is replaced as President, I'm sure that will somehow be blamed on Clinton and the Democrats as well.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. Let's get this ball rolling.

ZOMG! P4wnz3d n00b! Teh sux0rz! Award
To everyone involved in the ongoing Foley instant message scandal. It's almost like none of these people have ever seen the internet (which, as we were all informed over the summer, is a series of tubes). Recent information points out that the FBI would have been involved in this investigation a lot earlier, but they were busy pretending to be 16 year old girls, thereby dropping the ball.

Freudian Slip of the Tongue Award
This goes out to Keith Olbermann, for saying exactly what most of America was thinking regarding the Paris Hilton/Shanna Moakler "fight", but doing it through captions. Unfortunately, Keith seems to have forgotten that he's on MSNBC, and not on ESPN or even Comedy Central. Ultimately, Mr. Olbermann may be in trouble with FOXNews, who is upset that they didn't come up with the "A Slut and Battery" angle first. Well, O'Reilly did, but he settled out of court.

And They Didn't Even Buy Dinner Award
This goes out to Christopher Shays (R-Conn, Bridgeport), who defended the actions taken at Abu Ghraib prison as not torture, but instead a "sex ring". Rep. Shays also believes that shooting someone is not attempted murder, but a simple game of laser tag gone a little wild.

Stand By Your Man Award
This goes out to GDub, for standing firmly in the idea that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is a boon to not only the GOP, but to the country as a whole. The Decider was quoted as saying, "He's not one of these Washington politicians who spews a lot of hot air. He just gets the job done." Thankfully, this statement is coming from an authority on spewing a lot of hot air.

Understating the Obvious Award
This award goes out to new British army chief Gen. Richard Dannatt, who was recently commenting that the presence of British forces is provoking violence in Iraq, not stemming the tide. Other things that Dannatt has been quoted as saying are, "the polar ice caps are bloody cold," and "the English like their tea."

Me, Too Award
We give this to Madonna, for attempting to be more like Angelina Jolie and adopting a Malawian baby. In an obvious publicity stunt, the Material Girl ensured that plenty of "news" organizations knew of her every move planning to adopt. It is somewhat heartening to hear that the 1 year-old child has already taken to referring to Kabbalah as, "better than scientology, but just as wacky."

Private Parts Award
The RNC recently made a goof, and let slip a list of personal information for top GOP donors in an email to the New York Sun, amongst others. This causes many to wonder about the security precautions being taken by the party who has championed extra security measures since 2001. As for the reporter who received the email, they did the noble thing, and of course made a point of setting up interviews with some of the people on the list. Other measures the RNC has taken include setting all telephones to the "speaker phone" option, and offering the eBay accounts of top donors to other top donors.

Black Like Me Award
We hand this to Angelina Jolie, for her insistence on refusing to accept the notion that black-face stopped being popular decades ago. Jolie is slated to play Mariane Pearl, who is half-black, in an upcoming movie. To help the film, they've even darkened Jolie's naturally pale skin tone. This casting move is being followed by news that Danny Glover will be playing Brendan Behan in a film about the Irish dramatist. There's also rumors that Britney Spears is being talked to about playing someone with class.

Queer Eye for the Commander Guy Award
We grant this award to NBC's Kevin Corke, who was able to get the Decider to compliment his fashion sense by wearing a pinstripe suit in the press corps. It's nice to know that, with the threat of North Korea looming around the corner and scandal bursting out all over Washington, D.C., GDub can still take some time out of his busy schedule to admire another man's suit. Looks like the Fab Five may have a sixth in a couple of years.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Sure, there was a lot more that happened, but our brains our fried. Chalk it up to being Friday the 13th. Avoid black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors, and stay safe out there.

Presidential poker

No, we're not talking about Thomas Jefferson, John Kennedy, or William Clinton. We're actually talking about a president making reference to the card game. I know, I know, sometimes the double entendre is just too easy not to miss, but I forgive your enthusiasm for more sex jokes.

Moving on... apparently the Decider could really benefit from watching some of the World Poker Tour on The Travel Channel. Heck, he could probably benefit from watching any house game of cards that involves silly variants made up on the spot to benefit the dealer. I'm sure both of his daughters are fluent in the game, although they probably stick to the strip variety.

Why should GDub learn more about poker? Because, in a recent quote, talking about trying to resolve the issues with North Korea, Bush said "one has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." While it's true that, in negotiations, the more people supporting your views, the more strength you have, the same just doesn't hold for any sort of card game. It's like the Decider was trying to say that if you happen to have a jack-high straight, and three other people also have a jack-high straight, you've got a higher chance to win than if you are the only one with those cards.

To be fair, poker is a game that can be very confusing for a lot of people, because of the skill, luck, and intricacy involved in playing it. To be beyond fair, I think it's safe to say that GDub gets confused by playing games of "War" with people (the card game, not the sudden attack on foreign armies).

Maybe it would be best if he just stuck to playing "Go Fish". Unfortunately, then someone would need to convince him to leave his rod and reel at home.

Doppleganger Effect

Ned Lamont, in response to being labeled by the Joe Lieberman campaign as being in incredibly negative politician, has taken an interesting tactic towards trying to secure himself the election. Apparently, Lamont has dug up some archival footage to use in his most recent campaign ads. The star of that archival footage? None other than a younger Joe Lieberman.

The footage that Lamont is using shows Lieberman back in 1988, as he talks about the things he will do differently from then-incumbent Lowell P. Weicker, Jr. Of course, over the course of the next 18 years (exactly the amount of time Weicker spent in office, coincidentally), Lieberman wasn't quite able to stand by his word, and Lamont is looking to exploit that.

This can only speak well for the future of political campaigning. Just think, we could see a young Katherine Harris speaking out against the exact standards candidate Katherine Harris currently stands by. We could witness a childhood Barack Obama extolling the virtues of his hard upbringing and struggle for acceptance. And we could see Hillary Clinton from the days where she was still considered a woman.

The tragedy, of course, is not that this type of campaigning wasn't being used in 2004 as heavily. No, the tragedy is that, had we seen a younger, coke-fueled GDub used in a Kerry ad, it would only have served to support his already fractured policies and global initiatives.

But at least we have Tony Snow to remind us that the full blame for the North Korea situation rests with North Korea. To think that the Decider could have done things differently to affect the current outcome is just "silly".

A silver lining

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the longest, darkest times in our storied history as a nation has finally come to a close. The sun is shining, children are rejoicing in the streets, and puppies and kittens are peacefully co-existing, all while we sip wine no longer made bitter.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again.

This news can only serve to bring joy to our hearts, as the two anorexia-fueled celebutantes can finally put aside the rough patch of their lives where they didn't acknowledge each other (to be fair, they were probably simply standing perpendicular to each other, consequently making them invisible to the naked eye) and move on to more important things, like the creation of Simple Life 6. I know that a great many of us were worried that this facsimile of a friendship was doomed when the two first started fighting, and we all had fears that neither girl would be able to keep their ice cubes down for too long, because of the anger boiling inside of them. But this tragedy has passed, and we as a nation can once again rejoice.

Of course, it is entirely possible that the Parisite started seeing the miniscule fan base she has crumbling around her, amidst DUIs and interesting baggies, and threw a bone at Nicole (not a real one... she wouldn't want to knock the poor girl down) to have the two reunite for another season of their insipid "reality" show. Nicole, somehow still the least talented and yet most famous Richie, of course accepted the offer, oddly seeing Paris as a giant walking hot dog covered in mustard.

Great. Now how am I going to get THAT image out of my head.

Survey says

Oh, Florida. How we love your wacky politicians, and the things that they do.

True, for the most part "wacky politicians" refers specifically to Katherine Harris, the woman who single-handedly helped GDub win the election the first time. The woman who pledged to bankrupt herself if need be to win the election, neglecting to mention large piles of money sitting around waiting for her to grab should she glimpse just shy of six figures. The woman who has had numerous problems keeping staffers working on her campaign. The woman who has won the race for Florida's Senate seat.

But wait. Isn't the election not until November? How can she possibly have already declared victory over her opponent, Bill Nelson?

See, in the world of Florida politics, sometimes you don't need to wait for those nagging election results to come in. Sometimes, all you need to do is decide that polls actually determine the winner, and then move forward as though everything's already been predetermined. That's how it was done back in 2000, and by God, if it was good enough for GDub, it's good enough for Katherine Harris.

This, of course, means that Florida can now rest easy, knowing that they've helped pave the way to a late October that is missing negative campaign ads. If only every other state in the Union could just get on board with this philosophy. Why, if Florida can do it, why can't New Hampshire? Or Oregon? By following this simple procedure, we can feel secure that the grand experiment called democracy can once and for all reach an end result.

Or, we can relish the fact that opinion polls simply measure opinions, and that the election is still undecided.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 2, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's get this thing rolling.

Stopping the Buck Award
The recipient of this award is one Dennis Hastert, leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. When the Foley scandal was announced, Hastert quickly said that he accepts responsibility. But not at the cost of his job, no matter what others may say. Hastert also accepts personal responsibility for the scuff in the door of your car, so long as it doesn't affect his insurance quote, and the high price of caviar.

I Want It All Award
To Google, Inc. for making plans to purchase YouTube for the price of $1.6B. This would ultimately be a win-win for both companies, as YouTube would gain Google's infrastructure, and Google would gain a wealth of videos showcasing people smacking themselves in the crotch.

Backdoor Fundraising Award
This goes out to VP Cheney, for his efforts to covertly raise money for George Allen. This comes shortly after much of the GOP turned their backs on Allen and his racially charged history. When asked for comment, the VP said, "What? He's white and he's not gay. What's the big deal?"

How Bad is Bad Award
We give this award to Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania) for running a television commercial admitting an affair, but denying having abused his mistress. Sherwood's next commercial will be an admission of having taken LSD, but denying having climbed a tree thinking he was a flying squirrel while on it.

Maybe a Few Left Behind Award
This goes out to Neil Bush, brother of the Decider, for seeing a marketing opportunity within the No Child Left Behind Act. He's rolling out packages containing curriculums that are purported to help students pass the NCLB tests. The biggest shame is that GDub himself needed two of the "curriculums on wheels" to get 50% on the testing.

How Low Can You Go Award
This award is presented to the Vatican, and specifically to Pope Benedict XVI, for the notion currently swirling around regarding the elimination of the concept of Limbo, thereby changing centuries of Catholic doctrine. The unbaptized babies of the Limbo plane are currently organizing a revolution to rename the entire place The People's Republic of Limbo.

We'll Clean That Up in Post Award
FOXNews is the winner of this particular prize for their coverage during the O'Reilly Factor concerning former congressman Mark Foley. During a live broadcast, FOXNews identified the Republican as having been a Democrat. Not to wind up with egg on their faces over the incident, they repaired their mistake... by leaving all signifiers off for the rebroadcast. To be fair, CNN has taken to referring to Joe Lieberman as a Republican.

Better Homes and Hair Award
This award goes to Bill Clinton and Jon Bon Jovi, for joining forces to help rebuild neighborhoods in Philadelphia. This is a good sign for the city of Philadelphia, and shows that some celebrities are willing to give back to the community. In other news, neighborhood bars have been packed with young hopefuls, expecting to "give back" a little of their own to the former President and/or Bon Jovi frontman.

That's all we've got for this week, folks. Tune in next week as we return to our full schedule. Stay safe out there.

It's no Weekend Update

Truth be told, it's far better than the Saturday Night Live mainstay. It's actually funny, and according to a recent study, it's just as good at getting out substantial news as most other news programs.

All of this is big praise for The Daily Show, the program which saw its host appear on Crossfire and label them "bad for America". When Tucker Carlson fired back, Stewart pointed out that his show is a comedy newscast, and that it's following a show featuring puppets. However, according to the study published by Indiana University, it looks like the joke may finally be on the major news programs.

Admittedly, the study focuses on the Presidential Election of 2004, but it does carry a resounding rebuttal for any news pundit who wants to dismiss the house that Stewart built out of hand because of its place on Comedy Central. After all, if The Daily Show can be as substantial as the nightly newscasts, what could this hold for the future of television news?

Will we see Katie Couric start bantering with a studio audience while she reads about the White House? How about Brian Williams getting one of his reporters to stand in front of a green-screen in place of being on location, replete with jokes about the action purportedly taking place? And can we really be that far from the debut of "The Lauer Hauer", where the Today show co-host plays the part of an Olbermann-like pundit, complete with his take-off on the "Worst Persons in the World"?

The study is rather heartening, by showcasing that not only can the news be funny, but it can also be incredibly informative at the same time. If this particular trend continues, and Stewart can keep the reins of the show firmly in hand, perhaps The Daily Show will assume the title of "The Most Trusted Name in News". Then, in honor of the great comedy newscasters that have come before, Jon will be forced to call the title an "ignorant slut".

Ultimately, this bodes well for the world. Perhaps this means that we're starting to take ourselves less seriously. At the very least, it lets us know that we can.

Finally, a worthwhile lawsuit

In a world where we see frivolous lawsuits all of the time, ranging from the woman who burned herself with McDonald's coffee to the garbage disposal company suing NBC for an appearance in Heroes, it's nice to know that there are still, every once in awhile, lawsuits that make sense, and are completely valid.

Even though In-Sink-Erator's isn't, the lawsuit being filed by Steve Howards is. Howards is suing a Secret Service agent for placing him under arrest. Before you start jumping to the conclusion that this is another frivolous lawsuit, realize that Howards was arrested for criticizing VP Cheney's policies with regards to Iraq. In fact, what Howards allegedly said was, "I think your policies in Iraq are reprehensible". The Secret Service agent arrested Howards, accusing him of assaulting the VP. Howards is suing over violation of his Fourth Amendment rights, and for having his First Amendment rights infringed upon.

This incident only serves to underline the overall perspective that the GDub Administration has held since taking office. They are above criticism. Anyone who disagrees with them is stepping close to treason. And nobody has batted an eye.

That is, until Steve Howards stood up. Of course, the chances of this story making larger headlines are fairly slim. While many media outlets may hold no love for the current administration, they also know where their bread is buttered. Cheney and GDub have coasted through their time in power with very few strong detractors, and many of those detractors have been quick to switch sides to attack the Democrats if it serves to help the Decider in his policies.

Which begs the question, which is the bigger crime? Is it worse to trample all over the Constitution, the founding document of this nation, simply to perpetuate your own views and ideologies? Or is it worse to stand idly by, refusing to raise serious criticisms of these actions for fear that you could lose funding?

Bored stiff at the Capitol

Representative Mark Foley (R-FL), who resigned on Friday amidst a flurry of questions regarding messages he sent to pages, has seen more of his personal life come out recently. Apparently, while waiting for a vote on the House Floor, Foley was texting away like mad, quite possibly using only one hand, in communications with underage former pages. The instant messages that Foley was sending were, while not sexually explicit, at least indicative of sexual desire.

Of course, Friday all that had come to light was some emails. And then the word that the GOP had actually warned pages about Foley back in 2001. Now the instant message situation, complete with information that Foley may very well be continuing to sign on to these clients under the same screen name, all while under investigation from the FBI. All of this leads to one question.

Is it really that dull to be a member of the House of Representatives? I mean, sure, I've watched it on C-SPAN a couple of times, and it was a great cure for insomnia on the television. But shouldn't being there actually make it a little more interesting? Doesn't the notion of leading the country and helping to govern it provide enough excitement?

And how did C-SPAN not get footage of someone furiously having cybersex? I mean, maybe they just had too much Strom Thurmond over their broadcast history, but shouldn't they at least have tried to capture something? Maybe for release. Just think of it. Representatives Gone Wild would be a great title.

This was classic Jerry Springer-era television in the making, and C-SPAN missed out. No wonder they always lag in the Nielsen ratings.

Coffee Soaked Awards - Week of 25 September 2006

It's a short week for us here at our caffeinated headquarters, so we're launching into our weekly awards a day early. Without further ado...

The Impossible Dream Award
NASA scientists are all atwitter over some of the first high quality shots ever of the Victoria Crater on Mars. A few even go so far as to call it a "dream come true." Other dreams that have yet to come true for these scientists are the first ever leak-proof pocket protector, and actually getting a girl's phone number in a bar.

Insider Intelligence Award
Sen. Mike DeWine of Ohio admitted to having only recently read the intelligence reports on Iraq, after the thought that the US-led war may actually be fueling more terrorism. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. However, DeWine is on the Senate Intelligence Committee, and was briefed on the reports back in April. DeWine's excuse? "I got really wrapped up in one of those Sudoku puzzles."

Thanks for Playing Award
We pass this along to Tony Snow, who seems to finally be starting to catch up with the rest of the world. In a recent press conference, the Snowjob made it clear that he understands that "there are a number of jihadists, united by an ideology that they do want to kill us." He also claimed a lack of surprise over this. To be fair, Snow just recently discovered that the sun is hot, and that Gigli was an awful movie.

I Can't Believe it's Not Goat Award
We give this to our friends from Kazakhstan, who have decided to continue their proactive assault against Borat by taking out a four-page advertisement to defend themselves against the film. The Kazakhs have been on a special vendetta to prove that they aren't as backwards as the film will portray them to be. We're still waiting on the full ad from the socially inept in defense of their lifestyles after the release of Napolean Dynamite.

Thumb In Your Eye Award
We pass this out to Uwe Boll, for boxing the living daylights out of overweight and out-of-shape internet critics. We're just going to go on record here and say that we loved Bloodrayne. In related news, Eli Roth has challenged his critics to a sand castle building competition, which is all a thinly veiled ploy to kick sand in their eyes.

Was That a Hic or a Hick Award
We give this award to Paris Hilton, who has been officially charged with a DUI. Ms. Hilton could face prison time, although she is almost undoubtedly slated to get the obligatory celebrity slap-on-the-wrist. When this story broke, the rest of Hollywood thought about how their own abuses could reflect on the community. This was followed immediately by a party with sculptures carved out of cocaine, complete with a Cristal fountain.

I'm Getting Better Award
This award goes out to Paul Vance, the co-author of "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," who had to announce to the world at large that he was, in fact, not dead yet. Apparently an imposter had been claiming the authorship on the song since shortly after it was recorded, fooling even his own wife. Vance is planning on writing "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Black Pinstripe Suit" for his imposter's funeral.

We Could Be Heroes Award
This goes out to a number of recipients. First, to President Clinton for defending himself in what turned out to be a horribly cut-up interview. Secondly, to Keith Olbermann for once again having the gumption to lead a verbal assault on those spreading misinformation. And finally, to NBC and their new show Heroes, not only for having a good premiere and a strong tie-in blog (as we bid a fond farewell to Defaker and its comments), but for using more Indians and Japanese in their premiere than most networks will use all season.

And with that, we wrap up another awards week. We'll be back on Tuesday, so, until then, stay safe out there.

Saved by the what now?

Less than a day after we receive the glorious word that Paris Hilton has been officially charged for her DUI (no worries, she'll get the obligatory celebrity slap on the wrist), we are met with a much more distressing story. It appears that Dustin Diamond, best (perhaps only?) known for his years on Saved by the Bell as Screech Powers, allegedly has a sex tape.

Seriously? Screech is getting it on with anyone? That's almost as frightening of a concept as the thought that a government might take out ads to protect themselves from a film they don't find funny.

What? That happened too?

Ok... let's look at this a little more closely. Sure, DD has some clout. After all, he is slightly more famous than the majority of people to come out of Saturday morning programming. We'll ignore the fact that most Saturday morning programming, at least traditionally, has been cartoons for years. So DD might actually be able to translate his "fame" into getting some nooky. But really, what women would allow him to tape it? Or engage in the acts that are (supposedly) taking place on the tape?

This could all be an extension of DD's pitiful plea from earlier in the year, where he begged people to buy t-shirts from him in an attempt to save his house from foreclosure. After all, when the biggest thing on your resume is almost ten years of Saved by the Bell, wouldn't you try and publicize a sex tape, to try and do something to shed your geeky image? It's not like he's Dennis Haskins, who has shots on his IMDb page that show him looking a bit like a child pornographer.

And to think, Elizabeth Berkley already jumped this shark with Showgirls.

Harsh criticism

Uwe Boll, that misunderstood cinematic genius, recently followed through on his threats. Back in June, Boll challenged critics who had spoken badly about his films to step into a boxing ring with him. Four critics responded, and boxed Boll in what they believed to be a publicity stunt.

A short time later, after the dust had cleared, Boll had knocked out all four, and the "publicity stunt" was unveiled as an obviously deranged individual attacking his harshest critics in the only way he knew how.

Who knew that German directors had that much in common with American Presidents?

But I digress. Boll, like a good percentage of filmmakers, has been panned by the critics. His films tend to be sloppy and faithless translations of video games; games that, while popular, don't truly carry enough of a plot within themselves to deserve a full feature film. This is part of the nature of games. Yes, there are those rare few that are rich with story and characterization, and can be translated, at least partially, onto the big screen. However, most should be avoided, as surely as one would avoid that last piece of bread that somehow got wedged into the back of the fridge weeks ago. They were fresh at the time of their initial release, but trying to put them into a new package only showcases the mold that has grown on the story.

That being said, in the hands of a skilled director, even the oldest story can be made new and receive that vital influx of life it needs to appeal to any audience, let alone a new one. As we've recently learned, the only thing that Boll is truly skilled at is boxing against people that have no actual training in the sport (he does). He also decided to take out his anger over the bad reviews against a bunch of internet critics, including one 17 year-old kid. Somehow, this doesn't fill me with confidence that he'll be able to film something better than House of the Dead ever in his lifetime.

The most telling piece of the entire story would have to be the quote issued by an overly smug Boll after everything was said and done. "Now they are brain dead and they will like my movies," the director stated. That pretty much admits the extent of Boll's talents. He creates movies that only the brain dead can truly enjoy, because anyone with higher level thinking will realize schlock when they see it, and will avoid such films like a special brand of plague.

The problem is that Boll even overestimates himself here. The brain dead will watch movies directed by the Wayans brothers, but even they'll pass on Uwe Boll. There are levels to what even zombies can put up with.

Boll has been mentioned in the same breath as Ed Wood in times past. The problem with that comparison is that Ed Wood, while a horrible director, had a vision that was all his own, and had a certain level of genius about him. Ed Wood's films can even be watchable, in the right mood. The right mood for watching a Uwe Boll film is catatonic... and even that isn't quite bad enough.

So cheers, "Raging" Boll. Maybe you've found a new career people won't immediately scoff at.

Fair and aiming

Bill O'Reilly, the favorite talking bobblehead of FOXNews, has a new book out, titled Culture Warrior. O'Reilly claims that the book will, of course, serve to deflate the attacks levied against him and his comrades by utilizing "facts and superior analysis" to prove just how right he is.

Unfortunately, the actual practice used by Mr. O'Reilly seems to be to slanderize and demonize those that he doesn't personally agree with. His attacks are mostly levied at liberals, with only a couple of the most extreme conservatives drawing his ire. And those facts that he talks about? Well, as Stephen Colbert pointed out, "reality has a well-known liberal bias." Bill O'Reilly is not one to let that liberal bias stand in the way of the facts, as he percieves and alters them.

I suppose we should actually be somewhat thankful to Bill O'Reilly for his current book, and not simply because it showcases what kind of person he is, or how abhorrent his beliefs truly are. In light of so many recent authors drawing media attention, we should be thankful that Mr. O'Reilly isn't engaging in that all-too common practice (used at Harvard, by Ann Coulter, and now, possibly, by Nancy Grace) of plagiarizing the works of others.

After all, it's practically impossible to plagiarize someone when you spend the entirety of the book crafting facts out of thin air, and then hanging them on an already weak branch.

At this rate, O'Reilly's next book may very well be titled Catastrophe, and it could detail how the American people's stubborn insistence on not prolonging either the Bush Administration or their "policies" led to future soldiers dying in the Middle East. Unfortunately, as we've already seen a few too many times, the more anger you spew, the more people want to read what you wrote.

Hey, if it works for Michael Moore, why not let it work for Bill O'Reilly?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 18, 2006

Welcome back to another installment in our Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's just get the ball rolling, shall we?

Devil in a Blue Suit Award
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez this week called GDub "the devil". This was in reference to The Decider's appearance before the UN. A disgruntled VP Cheney was quoted as saying, "But what about all the work I've done?"

Well, Duh Award
Paris Hilton, in a discussion with the police regarding Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, admitted her lack of supreme intelligence. She apparently, "like, forgets stuff all the time". Like where she left her panties. Future news reports will reveal Nicole Richie claiming that she's a little thin, and Christopher Walken saying that he doesn't understand his choices in films either.

It's Floor Wax, It's Desert Topping, It's Both Award
This award goes out to the people at Defaker, the spoof blog purporting to follow the "real-life" of NBC's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Some people are complaining that the blog is simply a poor excuse for viral marketing, and that it's even more transparent about it's corporate ties than other Hollywood blogs. Of course, this is different from the average Hollywood blog exactly how?

Wouldn't You in His Shoes Award
This goes out to former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling, for getting arrested for public intoxication a few scant months after being indicted for fraud, conspiracy, and other crimes associated with the fall of Enron. Given the penalties Mr. Skilling is facing, it's not surprising that he was out drinking. Slightly more surprising was when Mr. Skilling blamed Enron's collapse on those "damned Jews", and then called his arresting officer "sugartits".

Take Your Pick Award
This award goes to the couples who aren't simply trying to learn whether their babies are boys or girls, but are actively trying to play God and get their desired result. While most babies are being screened to check for genetic diseases, some parents are getting the "designer baby" they always hoped for. Joe Simpson has taken this an extra step, and got his designer daughters after they had both turned 20.

The Rich Get It Award
We pass this award out to Forbes Magazine, and their annual listing of the 400 richest Americans. Apparently, for the first time in history, the list is comprised of nothing but billionaires. Of course, all of those poor people who are merely making $900M have been left shivering in the dust on the outside of the Forbes 400. Martha Stewart, who fell off the list completely after losing $395M in the past year, was recently spotted under a freeway overpass, eating baked beans straight from the can.

Throwing Up a Little Award
We, grudgingly, give this award to Rosie O'Donnell, who apparently felt the need to retaliate against some horrible crime committed by Nip/Tuck star Julian McMahon by going topless for a scene with him. Letters and cards to the star Mr. McMahon are of course appreciated, as are pictures of attractive naked people.

Prince of Peace Award
We give this out to the little church that could. The All Saints Church of California is currently having their tax-exempt status threatened for having an anti-war sermon delivered to the congregation shortly before the 2004 election. The church is vowing to go to court to protect their status. When reached for comment, Jesus Christ was quoted as saying, "Well, I'm not the Prince of War, you asshats." He then tranformed some water into a kicking wop for the All Saints picnic.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We almost feel bad giving this to Keith Olbermann, but he's earned it yet again. In his "Special Message" from September 18, he took umbrage at specific words uttered by GDub. Those words, "It is unacceptable to think." Mr. Olbermann receives this award for once again trying to prove that, even in the realm of cable news, the opportunity to think can still flourish.

Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

Safer for who?

A recent poll conducted in Great Britain showcases part of the reason why the British people are clamoring for Tony Blair to step down before his term of office would officially expire. According to the poll, 55 percent of those responding feel that the UK is in more danger now than it was prior to the "War on Terror." In fact, almost 75% believe that the world in general is more violent than it was in 1956. The majority also believe that religion is at the root of most of the conflict.

In a way, the British people are correct, and it doesn't extend simply to the United Kingdom. The War on Terror has led to those nations in charge of it being put into a crosshairs of sorts, especially when the goals that were originally outlined have been pushed aside by results that don't carry as much impact globally. When you look at the results of removing Saddam Hussein from power, and you realize that the Iraqi insurgency is still going strong, along with the influx of new threats from official terrorist organizations, you can see how being placed into those crosshairs is not a good thing.

While the war in Iraq has dragged on for years, and has no apparent end in sight, we've also had to deal with the rise of North Korea and Iran, both potential nuclear powers in the coming years. The Taliban is still active, and bin Laden has issued new threats. The recent conflict between Israel and Hezbollah underscores the danger that resides currently in the Middle East, and the potential for it to leak out to the rest of the world in uncontrolled waves.

Has the War on Terror helped to make the world a more dangerous place? Possibly. It has certainly failed to stop the rise in extremism amongst religions, and has proven to be remarkably ineffective at curtailing further violence in regions even after the removal of known antagonists. Will a full-scale change in the leaders of the "free world" lead to improvement in the way that the global community treats each other? There are no guarantees, but one can assume that it would be difficult for things to get too much worse.

Ultimately, we need to sit by and wait. Yes, the British have used their voice to speak out against the War on Terror. So have the American people. All that remains is to use the voice that truly matters, and use that power to vote those who we feel can govern the best, hoping our choices are right.

In the meantime, we can wait until the White House throws up anti-terrorism videos on YouTube, with images of a coked out Keith Richards trying to dismantle a suicide bomb while his mom walks in. Hijinks will, of course, ensue.

Just say... um... uh....

Looks like Keith Richards may be off the drugs, finally. According to an interview he recently gave, the Rolling Stone is going to roll less frequently than in the past. The reason behind his sudden change?

The drugs nowadays are too weak for his system.

That's right. Richards feels that dealers and chemists have weakened drugs to the point where there's almost no point in taking them. While there are some drugs that may be strong enough for a man now made up of mostly some sort of illegal narcotic, he avoids those because they "mess with the brain."

Of course, after his recent concussion, Mr. Richards had no qualms against using morphine, and made attempts to get more from the night nurse. Being that he is still a celebrity, and given that he probably died at least ten years ago, but hasn't noticed due to the drugs in his system, I'm sure the nurse gave him the satisfaction he was looking for.

In a lot of ways, however, Keith Richards claiming that drugs are too weak would be kind of like Steve Forbes claiming that the dollar isn't worth as much. They may actually have a point, but there perspective is going to be drastically different from the average person who's never had as much of the substance that they're talking about.

What's next? Is Steven Tyler going to complain about collagen? Or Gene Simmons bemoan the lack of good tongues in the industry?

If you can't beat 'em

The government is trying a new tactic in the decades old war on drugs. Taking a page from pot-smokers across the nation, the White House is starting to place their anti-drug public service announcements on YouTube. In doing so, they're putting themselves directly into the viewing cycle of people who watch self-made videos featuring horrible karaoke, live-action translations of video games, and mash-ups of songs with Japanese animation.

The thing is, this type of campaign may work, because it's finally taking a medium that is one of the main focal points for the people directly affected, and addressing the issues. Of course, the PSA's still are a bit hokey for their intended purpose in many ways, but the simple fact that the government is trying a new avenue and approach shows that, in spite of everything else they've done under the current administration, they can learn from what worked and what didn't.

Of course, we also have to keep in mind that one of YouTube's favorite celebrities, and I use the term loosely, is someone who may have had a few run-ins with drug use herself. It almost makes you wonder if the White House is considering trying to put together a few new PSA's featuring Paris Hilton, in an attempt to bring around a wider audience.

Naturally, if this campaign works, we may see even more PSAs showing up on YouTube. Imagine NBC's "The More You Know" campaign playing on your computer while you're trying to find the funny video of the guy lighting his own face on fire with a flaming shot. Picture United Way commercials in place of watching Joe Thiesmann break his leg over and over again.

And just wait until the video mash-up of GDub with Paris. That'll be a real meeting of the minds, one for the record books.

It's a shame neither of them can read.

A step towards reality

Madrid Fashion Week has just taken a much needed step towards rejoining the world of sanity after a recent ban. No, they didn't outlaw garish fashions that will only ever be seen on a runway. No, they didn't keep cocaine away from Kate Moss.

They did, however, ban models who are too thin.

The Fashion Week now will not allow designers to use models that have a BMI of under 18. While this will still lead to freakishly tall women with almost non-existent waistlines, at least they should still be visible when they turn sideways. The ban in Madrid has already caused quite a bit of a buzz, where other large fashion shows are considering following suit.

Here's hoping that this ban will actually start impacting Hollywood, or at least some of the starlets walking around out there. Just think, if Hollywood picked up on it, we'd have fewer films from skeletons like Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Keira Knightly, and Kate Bosworth. And honestly, folks, how many times do you need to see someone who looks like they crawled out of their crypt before a day of shooting before you start reaching for the cricket bat?

The only downside to Hollywood instituting that rule would be that Scarlett Johansson would be cast in even more movies than she already is. Given that this is a practical impossibility, there would have to be some sort of damage done to the space/time continuum before we can truly see the results.

Or, shock of shocks, we might get blessed with more actresses that actually look like they eat every once in a while.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 11, 2006

Welcome back to another weekly round-up of some of the stories that have touched our hearts.

Stupid is as Stupid Does Award
Handed out to a number of recipients this week, all with varying levels of power within their respective nations. The first two winners are GDub and Nursultan Nazarbayev, for the upcoming summit to discuss Borat. GDub is going to work to help smooth over the impact of Borat with the Kazakh president, because, if anyone knows global relations, it's The Decider. The other winner is Jim Watson of Canada, for proving that Sean Penn is just like everyone else, by announcing publicly the need to treat him just like everyone else. The three politicians are tentatively scheduling a conference call, wherein Nazarbayev and Watson try to convince GDub that Paris Hilton is more (albeit not much more) than a simple hotel.

That Doesn't Mean Us Award
To everyone's favorite talking head, Tony Snowjob. In a recent press conference, Snow decided to announce that the reason why the US isn't following Geneva Convention laws is because they're "vague". He went on to say that the Conventions have never been applied to United States activities in previous conflicts. Snow's next job is to redefine the Ten Commandments, and defend the Pharaoh by saying that the Commandments had never applied to Egypt.

Caste Away Award
The Indian government, in an attempt to finally rid themselves of the caste system, is offering money to the marriage-minded, should they offer themselves in matrimony to someone of a lower caste than themselves. This could theoretically abolish the hereditary hierarchy, as the mingling of different castes cause confusion as to which grouping the children would belong to. This tactic is already being used, albeit without the financial incentive, in America, as proven by the marriage between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A New Crusade Award
Pope Benedict receives this award, for his speech tying Islam to violence, all while painting Christianity as an ultimately peaceful religion. While a spokesman for the Vatican has stated that the Pope's words were not meant to be harmful, there has been no official apology from the head of the church himself. Of course, Pope Benedict is also currently busy with trying to determine how to secure the holy land for his religion, and whether or not he can make the breakfast dish that is his namesake.

It Is to Laugh Award
We're handing this one out to the White House press corps, which has apparently found the laughter that they had sorely missed while Scott McLellan was WH spokesman. Sources tell us that part of the laughter is brought on by Snowjob's use of hand puppets and cartoonish voices, while berating Helen Thomas for once again asking a question about factual evidence.

Colbert, Stewart, and Satan Award
This award is handed out to Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, for calling out Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central as "Godless Sodomites." Phelps then began attacking Kathy Griffin, before someone pointed out that Kathy Griffin is, by all accounts, a woman. Phelps ended the diatribe with milk and warm cookies, all while petting a kitten. A gay kitten.

Excellence in Perkiness Award
We've got to hand this one out Katie Couric, who continues to try vainly to keep the CBS evening news afloat, despite having quickly lost the shiny appeal and fresh audience. Unfortunately for Ms. Couric, people are more interested in watching syndicated episodes of Small Wonder than watching her newscast. It's possible that the robot seems slightly more real.

Excellence While Not Relenting Award
Keith Olbermann, who has made it clear in the past his overall dislike for GDub and the way the war on terror is being handled, once again opened up a can of verbal whoop-ass during his 9/11 program. Agree or not, you can't deny that his words have an impact, and it might behoove some of the other pundits out on the networks to pay attention.

That ends our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

Butt Out

After yesterday's revelation that GDub will be hosting meetings between himself and the president of Kazakhstan over the character Borat, we receive news from the neighbor to the north about another politician a little overly concerned with the actions of a celebrity. For those of you that have missed it, Sean Penn caused a bit of a ruckus when he lit up a cigarette during a press conference for his new film.

The problem? Penn was in Ontario, and Ontario just celebrated the completion of its first 100 days as a Smoke-Free Province, banning all smoking indoors. This has led to Health Promotion Minister Jim Watson to practically demand that Penn be ticketed for his offense.

Watson, of course, feels that Penn hasn't even been given a warning on this due to his nature as a celebrity, even if, for years, his biggest claim to fame was having married Madonna. Watson doesn't feel that celebrities should be treated differently from average people, and this banner is being carried further by Dr. Sheela Basrur, who is asking for an investigation into whether or not Penn was made aware of the law, and, if so, why the law wasn't enforced in his case. Basrur also points out that the average fine is slightly over $100.

Here's the catch, though. By raising a big stink over this whole mess, the people in question who simply want Sean Penn to be treated as a normal person are elevating his level of celebrity more than he could do by reshooting I Am Sam. The authorities in question, if they really want to keep him from getting special treatment, should mail a bill to his place of residence (or his agent), and do so in that typically Canadian non-threatening manner. Then, when Penn sees the fine, laughs about it, and uses it as a match to light his next cigarette, they can pretend to get very up in arms before sending him another ticket. This process should repeat endlessly until either a) the politicians get bored, or b) the ticket gets paid.

Wait a minute. How did Sean Penn get big enough on the radar for people to even notice he was inside, let alone smoking?

I can't believe it's not Kazahkstan

More evidence that the irony has died, satire is hooked up to a morphine drip, and comedy itself is closing in on its final laugh is the report that GDub will be hosting talks at the White House with Nursultan Nazarbayev, president of Kazakhstan. The topic of this discussion? British comedian Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Ali G and Kazakh tv presenter Borat, due to Cohen's portrayal of Kazakhstan in his newest film.

While the Kazakh government is, supposedly, at least partially aware that Borat is a satirical creation, and that the character and the film are really more about exposing problems within the US and the UK, they dislike the film enough to want to meet with the Decider and attempt to get the message out about the real Kazakhstan. A spokesman for Kazakh has said that he doesn't believe that GDub and Nazarbayev will find the film funny. One can't help but agree, because Nazarbayev will not find the humor in a caricature of the Kazakhstani people, and GDub simply won't understand anything that's a couple of steps over a fart joke.

With the war in Iraq still facing severe criticism, the GOP in danger of losing the power they hold in the branches of government, and GDub showing lower approval than just about everyone whose last name isn't Couric or Federline, one has to wonder if it's really wise for the President to step into a controversy over a character and a nation that character supposedly hails from. And the Kazakh government could definitely choose a better candidate to help put a new glossy sheen on their image.

Either way, this is definitely a case of blowing things way out of proportion. After all, Cohen is simply making this character live so that he can joke about events he sees in the world. In a lot of ways, this makes Cohen no different than Larry the Cable Guy (although, in Cohen's defense, he's actually funny). And yes, "Borat" has been guilty of anti-Semitic statements. Generally while staying firmly in character, and generally those statements are directed at Cohen himself. It reminds me of a couple of things said by George Carlin. First, when talking about language, Carlin pointed out that there are no such thing as bad words, but that it's merely the context of the words and the intentions behind the person speaking them that provides their potentially offensive content. Secondly, Carlin pointed out that you can joke about anything, so long as the exaggeration is big enough.

Unfortunately, this particular event is going to be so ridiculous that it's going to be hard to make a joke that's funnier than the reality of the situation. All we can hope now is that GDub doesn't ask Nazarbayev where his horse-drawn car is.

Crocodile Hunter II: The Revenge

Conservationists around Australia are worried that the recent death of Steve Irwin, best known as the Crocodile Hunter, has provoked what is quickly being termed "stingray rage". At least ten of the animals have been found killed, and a couple had their tails removed, around Queensland, where Irwin had his zoo.

This flies in the face of everything that any self-professed conservationist, which Irwin was, stands for. After all, even though the man tended to make a career out of provoking normally docile creatures into states of agitation for television, he still actually did a lot to help bring awareness and respect to these creatures globally. The mere notion that people are retaliating against stingrays for what was, in all honesty, a complete fluke is sickening.

Of course, there is also a game being published on a website, intended to be seen as a memorial to the Crocodile Hunter, called Terri Irwin's Revenge. Within the game, players are challenged to attack and kill as many stingrays as possible before getting killed themselves to achieve a high score. This is akin to the notion of creating a game where Muslims are slaughtered wholesale in attempts to stave off further death and destruction. Sadly, that second game is already known as the Left Behind game.

Honestly, the fact that normally rational people, even descendants from prisoners, could possibly believe that retaliating against stingrays for the death of Steve Irwin is disturbing, to say the least. It's not like the stingray was swimming around, sharing some freaky mindspeak with its brethren before deciding to jab a barb into Irwin's heart. It was a fluke accident, and should be treated that way. Destroying large numbers of these creatures out of a misguided sense of vengeance is much like running out into a field and chopping down stalks of corn because a relative had an allergic reaction to maize.

The only comfort behind this is that it's nice to know that Americans aren't alone in perpetrating misguided revenge schemes.

You're covered

How many times has this happened to you?

You're off on vacation, and you return to your home only to find out that your computer and your iPod have been stolen while you were away. When you call your insurance company, they tell you that the hardware was covered, but that you're SOL when it comes to receiving any reimbursement for anything that had been downloaded to the hardware, regardless of the cost. Sound familiar?

Okay, so maybe it isn't happening all that often as of yet, but with the prevalance of mp3 players and programs such as Apple's iTunes, insurance companies are starting to jump on the bandwagon and are offering to cover downloads.

Of course, it should be noted that this coverage is for accidents such as fire, flood and the like, and not for anyone who happens to think that their computer's case is a good place to put refrigerator magnets. But with the recent coverage, so long as you can prove that there was a purchase price affixed to the material downloaded, you can claim it on your insurance if you happen to lose it. This thinking has also already caused at least one insurance provider to offer their insurance policies in a podcast format, for easy dissemination.

What this all means is that, eventually, people will be able to claim that all of the porn that they downloaded at the low cost of $9.95/month should be reimbursed to them when a burglar or a fire catches them with their pants down.

Good luck unthinking that.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 4, 2006

Welcome back to another round of awards, as we once again take a quick trip through the past week of news.

Crikey Award
Obviously, this one goes out to the stingray that brought low the Crocodile Hunter. A freak accident has led to Animal Planet being able to finally plan a full week of programming around tributes, as opposed to footage of animals in mating season.

It's About Me Award
Hats off to Katie Couric, who took over the CBS Evening News this week, and managed to make her first broadcast even more of a news event than Rosie O'Donnell's first broadcast as a host for The View. This is doubly impressive for Ms. Couric, as she is at least one-third the size and volume of Ms. O'Donnell.

What Vanity? Award
To Vanity Fair, for finally providing the world with pictures of a child being held in the arms of Cruise/Holmes. Of course, this still doesn't prove that Suri exists, but it does prove that Tom doesn't immediately break out into hives when placed that close to an infant.

I'm Rubber and You're Glue Award
This award can is handed out to Maryland Comptroller William Donald Schaefer, who lamented the race turning into a "name-calling contest", but then followed up by referring to his opponent as "fat", amongst other things. His opponent's response was to say, "I know you are, but what am I?" She then laughed and skipped away to play on a different part of the playground.

Well Duh Award
We hand this one out to the Guardian, for their article pointing out that the next British Prime Minister may want to have a looser relationship with GDub than Tony Blair has had. The Guardian also wants us all to know that space is large, and that the Irish are considered to be heavy drinkers.

Not Quite a Seance Award
KRove gets this one, for hiring priests to exorcise the spirit of Hillary Clinton from the White House. Clinton was quoted as saying, "Ooooooooooo" a lot and rattling chains.

Somebody's Watching Me Award
This award is giving to Facebook, the online social club used almost exclusively by college students, for the newest features they've added which give users up-to-the-minute information on other users, ranging from simply logging in to whenever they've entered or ended a relationship. Facebook is boldly marching foward, and is now planning the next stage of the News Feed, by hiring shady characters to hide in bushes and tape FB users with web cameras.

Take Me Drunk I'm Home Award
This goes out to the cops that arrested Paris Hilton for her DUI, refusing to let the wisp of a socialite escape from the law, despite her protestations about having only had one drink. She also complained about how people have blown the arrest out of proportion. Much like the rest of her career.

And that ends out awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in!

When in Britain...

News today comes to us from across the pond that, due to a lack of public support and outcries from his own party, PM Tony Blair will be resigning with the year. While he won't give a specific date for his resignation, he is apparently already making plans with the man most likely to replace him as Britain's Prime Minister.

Blair has been under intense pressure to step down ever since he strongly supported GDub and his "War on Terror", specifically the war in Iraq. The British people have grown increasingly disgruntled with Blair, and are starting to throw their support strongly to the Conservative Party, causing upheavals within the Labour Party, which has held power for the last decade.

This, of course, comes during the times where Blair is constantly being weakened by accusations that he is Bush's "pet poodle", and shortly after he'd vowed to not attempt a fourth consecutive term as PM. Blair is now attempting to work his exit strategy out in such a way that his already weakened base of support isn't shattered further, and to allow for a smooth transition to his successor. Of course, over on this side of the ocean, the Bush Administration should be worried when their strongest international supporter has been waylaid by his own party.

Ultimately, what is occuring in Britain isn't unfamiliar to Americans. After all, our President sits with some of the lowest approval ratings ever seen, and a number of campaigns across the nation are actively telling Bush and crew to avoid helping them in their bids for election. There has even been a fair amount of talk about the President resigning with the knowledge that the people aren't on his side, and neither are prominent members of his party.

Unfortunately, this is America, and our President is someone who won't admit mistakes that he's personally made. The closest mea culpa we can expect from the Decider is when he says that someone in the administration did wrong, without specifically pointing fingers or shouldering the blame himself. In fact, when called out on his errors, GDub acts the petulant child, throws a fit, and threatens to imprison those that are criticizing him and his policies.

The country with the most investment in America shortly before we declared our independence was Great Britain, and we learned a lot from them over the years. Perhaps it's time that we once again looked across the pond and took another lesson from the British. When someone that once held great levels of popularity and global sway can be toppled by his adamant refusal to budge on an issue that's gone wrong, what could possibly happen to someone that has consistently floundered in a quagmire of negative feelings?

Of course, given that this is America, we'll probably simply wait a couple of years until the next Presidential election, and place whichever new incompetent monkey we feel can screw up the least into the seat of power. God help us if that person somehow ends up being worse than GDub.

Crikey

In a world swimming with the overly tedious reporting regarding Rosie O'Donnell returning to television with The View, Katie Couric taking over an evening news cast, and the first images of the borrowed child that Tom Cruis-azy is trying to pass off as Suri, it's nice to know that there's some sanity left.

Who would've expected that the sanity would come from the camp of the Crocodile Hunter. For those that somehow escaped the news, Steve Irwin was killed while filming a segment with some stingrays for a new show. Of course, this means that his death has been captured on video, and people are clamoring for its release.

The big question is, "Why do people want to see this?" Are we that fascinated with the death of celebrities that we want to watch a man in his final moments? Thankfully, Irwin's manager was recently on Larry King and practically begged, once the video was released by the police from their investigation, that it be destroyed, never to see the light of day. Of course, someone somewhere is going to end up getting ahold of a bootleg, and "One Barb in Irwin" will end up outselling "One Night in Paris" handily. After all, if there are "Faces of Death" films (and a full series of them), then of course there's going to be interest in what could quickly amount to being a snuff film.

Ultimately, there are people who also believe that Irwin was completely guilt free in this exchange, when it should be pointed out that he has a history of prodding animals that were otherwise docile into a state of aggression, all for the benefit of the camera. The scariest thing of all is that Irwin was always so willing to pump out the notion about the danger he was in while dealing with these creatures, he would probably be one of the first ones to suggest mass producing the video of his demise.

Crikey indeed.

Can Kuwait come out and play?

GDub recently held a press conference talking about energy, and the US reliance on foreign oil. The Decider seems to believe that the biggest problem facing the US economy (which is booming, according to the GOP) is that we're too dependent on satisfying our energy needs with materials from other countries. Of course, he discredits the notion that inflation has outpaced paychecks, and that costs in general such as health care and energy have risen to ridiculous levels when compared to income.

The President is confident that improved technology, ranging from batteries to ethanol, will help minimize the American dependence on places such as the Middle East. Glaringly missing is the notion of enforcing new standards for fuel economy, standards that could reflect the fact that technology has progressed since the last time they were set down in stone. Of course, the most memorable quote from GDub's speech is, "The problem is we get oil from some parts of the world and they simply don't like us."

Hmmm.. is it possible that they don't like us partially because we've got a misguided child in power, who, rather than being willing to sit down and talk things out, would prefer to simply bomb someone he disagrees with? How can they not like us when we're the staunchest supporter of our own personal ideals, and, as soon as someone (except Israel) stops adhering to those ideals, we send in troops to attack them?

It should also be noted that this speech was given shortly before the President stepped into a Coast Guard simulation room, where his concerns for foreign oil dependence were quickly outpaced by his worry that he might smash the (simulated) boat into the (simulated) wall.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 28

Welcome to another rousing trip through the news with the Coffee-Soaked Awards!

Thanks for Paying Attention Award
This one goes out to Sen. Conrad Burns (R-MT) for telling the Governor of Montana that he should declare a fire emergency. Just like the one the governor declared over a month ago. We like to call that "being perceptive".

It's a Scream Award
After a couple of years, two famous paintings by Edvard Munch have been found and returned to their proper places in the museum in Oslo, Norway. Congratulations go out to the Norweigian police. In a side note, the little man in the painting was quoted as saying, "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Did He or Didn't He Award
Handed out to the FBI, for their wanted poster concerning one of the top ten most wanted people in the world, Osama bin Laden. The poster omits all references to the Sept. 11 attacks that bin Laden claimed responsibility for, and there's no specific reason given as to why his reward got bumped up after the attacks. Conspiracy theorists claim it's because bin Laden wasn't actually responsible for the attacks. Bin Laden's mother says it's because her son doesn't shave often enough.

You Can't Do That On Television Award
British broadcaster Channel 4 gets this one, for their plans to air a drama, shot in documentary style, about a fictional assassination of GDub. The creators are not surprised at the uproar they've already received, and are planning on also airing a program about the fictional resignation of Tony Blair. No script has been determined yet for the fictional AA meeting of Boris Yeltsin.

Excellence in Criticism Award
This week, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC delivered a stinging rebuke of "Gin" Rummy's most recent speech, where Rummy pulled out the Nazi card and was a breath away from calling his detractors traitors. Olbermann pointed out that the Bush administration also shares historical ties... to Neville Chamberlain.

Congratulations to our winners, and everyone hug a teamster this weekend.