Act Locally, Think Globally

Finally, an idea for world peace that I think all of us can get behind. A California couple tied to the Baring Witness peace movement has come up with a way to get the world to focus on the concept of peace. They are advocating a global orgasm to help achieve their goals.

The couple, Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, have not only studied evolutionary psychology, but they have also partnered sex and activism together in the past. Most notably, Sheehan organized 50 women to form together to spell the word "Peace" in their birthday suits in 2002. The two are hoping that the "incredible feeling of peace" during and after orgasm may help promote world peace and possibly even bring an end to wars.

This may, of course, seem like the agenda of 1960's holdovers, people that never really gave up the "free love" feelings of that era. But you can't really argue with the message. If the couple is able to gather enough people worldwide to achieve sexual gratification on the same day, that's a pretty satisfying achievement. If it leads to the rapid spread of peace across the planet, all the better.

Unfortunately, due to the timing of their global orgasm, a fair portion of the people who could (and otherwise probably would) participate will have their hands locked around their PS3 controllers, and have already experienced their personal heights of pleasure, simply by being part of the small numbers to get their game consoles when they were released. But hey, if the whole global orgasms to stop war thing works, maybe we can look at energy prices next. After all, it's not like most people will be driving while they participate (although they might, just to be able to join in).

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 13, 2006

We return for another round of Coffee-Soaked Awards in this, the week before Thanksgiving. Next week is a short week for us here at the Excerpts, so we may have a couple of weeks before the next awards (or you may get some on Wednesday, and have to wait a week and a half before the follow-up installment). Either way, we should get this weeks awards rolling, so let's get this show started.

The Man Upstairs Award
We give this to out-going Chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, James Inhofe (R-OK) who stresses that there is no reason to worry about global warming. Part of his reasoning for this is that he seems to have found evidence that it's only the northern hemisphere that's warming (isn't that the side where the US is?). His other bit of reasoning is that we have no need to worry because "God's still up there". Representatives for God have confirmed that he is indeed "up there" but that is largely because it's so much cooler where the air is thinner.

Much Ado About Nothing Award
This award goes to the town of Bracciano, Italy, for the huge amount of work they've undertaken to make themselves presentable, from street sweeping to changing menu items. Why all the work? Well, the town is hosting the wedding of Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes this weekend. The town believes that this is a chance for them to be remembered and noticed worldwide. Not wanting to be outshone, Assisi has offered to host the divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, if only to give them another excuse to empty the public ashtrays.

Much Ado About Something Award
This goes out to Sony, which has created yet another fervor with the release of their Playstation 3 video game console. Shoppers eager to get a console on the first day faced cold temperatures, long lines, and, in some cases, arrests in attempting to secure the $500 machine. While many who purchased the system were doing so for their own use, some were hoping to make a quick buck by selling it off on eBay. In an interesting coincidence, waiting in line for days without any sense of personal hygiene didn't worsen the chances of any of those waiting to acquire dates in the near future.

Putting Sexy Back in the News Award
Stephen Colbert was recently named to People Magazine's "Sexiest" list, joining the likes of George Clooney and Taye Diggs. On his own show, Colbert proceeded to mock James Dean for being left off the list, due to no longer being alive. Others that Colbert could have mocked? Rasputin, Alexander the Great, and Marc Anthony. After all, nobody can convince us that the last guy listed by us is still alive by any means.

A Rose by Any Other Name Award
Recently, while bemoaning the notion of OJ Simpson receiving a television special called "If I Did It", set to be aired on FOX, Bill O'Reilly made the comment that FOX Broadcasting and FOXNews were not affiliated. In fact, he made it sound as though it were undeniably true that the two were different organizations. In his defense, O'Reilly also doesn't think that Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, or Ivanka Trump were all created at the impetus of the same person.

Penguins in Rhinestones Award
We give this out to the book And Tango Makes Three, a book currently in hot water in Shiloh, Illinois, for having the audacity to relate for children the (true) story of two male penguins who raised a chick of their own together, without any female penguins being involved. Some parents are complaining that the book, written for 4-8 year olds, should be moved to a more mature section because of the homosexual themes. Oddly enough, many of the parents who complained later went home to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", prefering that their gays not be covered in feathers, once again leaving Elton John in the dark.

A Step in a Direction Award
Continuing the gay theme, we're going to give this one out to the Pentagon, for recently reclassifying homosexuality. They previously had homosexuality listed as a mental disorder, but now it is being classified as a "condition" similar to bed-wetting or fear of flying. While this doesn't change the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, it could lead to gays about to be discharged pointing out that it was a much more satisfying way to make a mess of the sheets.

Wonder Why Award
In recent conversations about why the GOP lost so many seats this past year, Rep. Adam Putnam (R-FL) pointed out that "white rednecks...didn't show up to vote for us." Perhaps this could have a little to do with referring to them as rednecks? Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall were not able to be reached for comment, while Ron White proceeded to make jokes about why he divorced his wife.

Thank You Award
We give this, in our eyes deservedly so, to Sasha Baron Cohen, who recently came out to defend himself from all of the attacks springing up about Borat. Cohen pointed out in a recent interview that the joke is not, and has never been, on Kazakhstan. The joke has always been on the people who believe the Kazakhstan he portrays could ever exist. Nationwide, millions of people without any sense of irony are scratching their heads as one, trying to determine where this parallel-universe Kazakhstan could possibly exist.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the weekend, and we'll see you on Monday. Stay safe out there.

A little bit country, a little bit Liberace

Not wanting to draw any ire from their viewers, a television talk show based out of Nashville has decided to "uninvite" Delta Burke and Leslie Jordan from appearing on their show. The reason behind this? They thought that the plays the two were promoting might be considered offensive to their viewership. Just what in these plays could be seen as offensive? The fact that the plays deal with gay subject matter.

Of course, the overall thought that is being brought out is that the shows might be a little too gay for the homeland of country music. In all fairness, a lot of things are too gay for Nashville, and the country as a whole. Heck, the notion of Eric McCormick is a little too gay for a number of people, and he isn't even gay (something he felt the need to force down people's throats time and time again during his tenure on Will & Grace).

The "uninviting" from the show under such auspicious circumstances does cause a few people's radar to go up nationwide, as people pretend to be outraged and appalled that anyone in Nashville could think that anything was too homosexually driven to appeal to their viewer base. Many of these people will, naturally, act very self-righteous about the whole episode until it fades away, and they can go back to loving homosexuals as long as they fit the caricatures they've been forced into for years. They'll have their homosexual heroes like Carson Kressley and Sean Hayes (or Ellen DeGeneres and Portia di Rossi for the lesbians out there), but will shudder at the notion of someone like Daniel Craig or Nicole Kidman possibly turning that page in their lives. Just shows how far this country really has to go on this particular issue.

But hey, at least we can rest easy knowing that the LPGA has been proactive on an issue of their own. Good for them on drug testing... although the chest hair should've been a tip-off. Still, it's not as bad as a cloned horse.

They'll make an opera out of anything

Well, not really, but one of the newest operas to gather some buzz doesn't help to dissuade that opinion. We've had operas about barbers, women named Carmen, and uncles from Boston. Now, we're being given an opera about that little-exploited subject, the news pundit. That's right, folks. Igor Keller has penned for us the majesty that is Mackris v. O'Reilly to fill that gap in our opera collection.

For those of you who luckily were able to avoid the tawdry details of the actual court case (which was settled, thankyouverymuch) about which the opera has been written, it's the story of the alleged sexual harassment experienced by Andrea Mackris, former FOXNews producer, at the hands of Bill O'Reilly, current FOXNews talking head. O'Reilly of course denied these allegations heavily, but that's not going to stop Keller. After all, he must be taken some levels of artistic license to be able to stretch anything that Bill O'Reilly may or may not have been involved with into a 31-part opera. Heck, the loofah/falafel incident doesn't even happen until part 27.

Of course, if this opera turns out to be a success, we might be able to expect that future theatrical endeavors will be undertaken to chronicle storied events from our recent past. For example, we can wait with baited breath to see Ain't No Bribe High Enough chronicling the Jack Abramoff story, or I'm Still Standing, featuring Karl Rove. We may also see new remakes of classic films, such as Never Say Never Again starring "Gin" Rummy, or Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, with the title characters renamed George and Dick.

Wait a minute. Let's just stop this insanity before it gets out there too far. After all, do any of us really want to be forced to suffer through the new series on VH1's Celebreality, Political Fit Club? I know I don't.

They need to talk

It happens in the vast majority of good relationships. Eventually, things turn sour, and there is a difference of views on a certain key point. For some couples, the conversations turn sour with the subject of marriage. For others, problems arise when one person hogs too much of the television viewing schedule. And for still others, it all comes down to how the neighbors should be treated.

It appears that the third option listed above is starting to pave the way for GDub and his heterosexual foreign ally Tony Blair to finally need to start opening the lines of communication with each other. After all, if they can't talk and work out their differences, a break-up is imminent, and it would leave Iran as the other woman.

See, GDub firmly believes that Iran is not going to pay attention to what the world (translation: his office) has been telling it, and therefore believes that isolation is the course to follow. Blair, on the other hand, thinks that you can do more with honey than with vinegar, and thinks it might be time to start thinking of partnering up with the Iranian government to achieve a peaceful resolution. It's the international equivalent of Blair coming home with lipstick on his collar.

If these two world leaders can't reach an agreement on Iran, who knows what could be next? GDub was theoretically making some headway in getting Blair to recognize the term "soccer", and Blair had moved forward, getting The Decider to use a napkin at the dinner table. But this potential affair with Iran could destroy the almost marital bliss that the United States and Great Britain have shared for the past six years.

It's time for the Americans and the British to stand up, and get our parents to stop fighting. We love them both equally, and we don't want to see this end up with a divorce. Hopefully they can work through their issues with counseling, and we can all move forward to a happy Thanksgiving dinner. But hey, if things continue to fall apart, we can rest a little easier, knowing the GDub's own political mistress achieved reelection. If it wasn't for Joe Lieberman, GDub would be spending nights eating pint after pint of Chubby Hubby, crying into his pillow, and waiting for Israel to return his calls.

A new crop of guitar heroes

No, I'm not talking about the video game, or the sequel the video game. I'm talking about the newest development coming out of Australia that will help people achieve their ultimate dreams of being able to rock out to the sounds of Journey or Boston without having to spend time or money on those pesky guitars.

That's right, folks. For those that remember fondly the days of playing air guitar and making up the sounds in your head, Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization (CSIRO) of Australia has the shirt for you. Those wacky Australian scientists have actually taken the time and energy to develop the perfect shirt for air guitarists, with sensors built into the fabric to help create those sounds that you've been assuming you'd been making.

This could be a great benefit for the musical world, as there may be untapped talent that couldn't wrap their hands or minds aroung actual instruments. This could also allow those with the ability to play the instruments a new freedom in composition, as the lack of a bulky guitar could free them up to make and experiment with new sounds that they might not otherwise have been able to create.

This could also be a tremendous downfall for civilization as a whole. After all, all we really need to prove just how bad of an idea this shirt could be is one college party, where three different people are wearing the clothes. Three different inept, drunken students, playing air guitar with their magic sound-producing fabrics could cause a riot of small proportions to break out amongst the gathered throng, as they cacophony smashes against their skulls without any perceptible rhythm.

At least, until the advent of the air drums shirt. And even then, it'll be better than having to hear the same Limp Bizkit CD blaring over and over again all night long.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 6, 2006

Welcome once again to our awards posting, here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind. This week, we've seen an election come and go, and watched as a new balance of power has taken over the ranks of government. But that's far from all we've seen, so let's get this ball rolling.

A Little Hasty Award
With the fact that Democrats have now taken control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate, it seems like MSNBC may be jumping all over themselves in a flurry of being a little quick on the trigger. Their most recent poll is a fine example. Tomorrow, the news organization is planning on putting up a new poll... "What did you think of Studio 60 on Monday, 11/13?"

Better Late Than Never Award
Earlier this week, GDub was given the task of announcing the resignation of "Gin" Rummy. Now that he's resigned, Rumsfeld has admitted that the war in Iraq hasn't been going "well enough or fast enough." Admittedly, it's plausible that Rumsfeld wasn't describing the war effort, but was actually talking about other things. Other possible subjects include his severance package, the martini he ordered at the bar, or the resignation of deceptive and incompetent people from positions of power.

Zombies in Office Award
It's not often when the dead can win elections, but it does happen. Just recently, in North Carolina, a dead man won a place on the Soil and Water Conservation board by 12,000 votes, although apparently many didn't know he was dead. During his acceptance speech, Sam Duncan was quoted as saying, "I feel strongly about the condition of our environment.... brains...... and want to ensure.... ghhhhhhh..... for years to come."

Borat Backlash Award
The backlash against the movie and character continue, as two frat boys have now filed a lawsuit, claiming that they were misrepresented when they signed their official release form. They also claim that they were plied with liquor both before and during their interview for the film, and later paid a paltry sum of $200/person. This is appalling to think about. After all, who knew that now you have to start paying frat boys to get them to drink excessively?

Jesus Has Left the Camp Award
The summer camp featured in the documentary Jesus Camp, and had been visited in the past by disgraced preacher Ted Haggard, will be shutting its doors for a few years. Apparently, they no longer consider themselves to be a "safe ministry". The camp also doesn't understand why people would think that they were brainwashing children. Children who had previously attended the camp all were quoted as saying, "The Fire Center is awesome. Ted Haggard didn't do any gay stuff. We love George Bush," followed by unintelligible gibberish, said to be spoken in tongues.

Greater Absorbency Award
Tony Snow gets this award, for his recent press conference on how GDub has been handling the election returns. Snow is quoted as saying, "The President doesn't absorb a rejection." Other things that the President doesn't absorb include basic addition, water spilt on the kitchen floor, or actual pronunciation.

Munchian Tribute Award
We give this to Jon Stewart and Howard Dean, for the appearance on The Daily Show where Stewart tried to goad Dean into once again letting loose his campaign-destroying scream. Dean, to his benefit, let slip a little "booyah." Other times the Dean has loosed the scream have included when he found an awesome parking spot, and when he realized his favorite breakfast cereal was on sale.

One Loss Leads to Another Award
In Rhode Island, defeated senator Lincoln Chafee not only lost the election. He may have lost his faith in the Republican Party. Chafee is being asked if he is planning on leaving the GOP to become either a Democrat or an Independent. It should also be noted that this week, Chafee also lost his pet turtle, an arrangement of flowers, and his car keys. The keys were eventually found underneath a couch cushion. He will be checking the loveseat for his faith in the GOP.

Think of the Children Award
Due to his upcoming divorce from Britney Spears, K-Fed (who many have already christened Fed-Ex) is now attempting to make sure he continues to get some money from Spears. He's asking for custody of both children. Of course, Federline has already renamed both children "Meal Ticket" in an attempt to show fatherly concern.

Running with Rock, Paper, Scissors Award
Oh those wacky Canadians. They once again prove themselves to be on the leading edge of the sporting world by holding an international rock, paper, scissors tournament, with a grand prize of C$10,000. The world hasn't paid this much attention to Canada since the last curling championships, or the last time Celine Dion escaped from her usual captivity to perform another heart-pounding rendition of her songs.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We can think of no other person who deserves this award more than Ed Bradley, and, as we've never met him personally, we can think of no better way to honor him. The consummate journalist passed away recently, and proved himself in a class all his own. May the spirit of Edward R. Murrow go with him.

That sums up our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Would the real "Borat" please stand up?

It looks like Sasha Baron Cohen's comic creation "Borat" is getting into a bit more hot water, as now a Turk is coming forward. This time, instead of threatening Cohen and his mother, the man is claiming that "Borat" is based on him. In fact, Mahir Cagri feels that the similarities are strong enough that he is considering legal action against Cohen.

Let me get this right. The majority of Kazakhstan wants to slam and ridicule "Borat" because they are offended by the way that their nation is being portrayed. They're concerned that their global image will be damaged, obviously casting themselves as a nation that people had ever heard of before "Borat" was released. And now we have Mahir Cagri who wants to slam and ridicule "Borat" not because of how the character was portrayed, but because the character was a little too close for comfort.

Of course, Cagri doesn't actually feel that Borat is a good impersonation. He simply feels that the groundwork for the character comes from himself, and his web-site. What he seems to be forgetting is that Borat, as a character, is an amalgamation of multiple different people and views, and, as all good comedy can, takes a social commentary angle. Yes, Borat is a backwards reporter from Kazakhstan with incredibly out of touch views. But that just makes the skewering of people who have slightly less extreme versions of those views that much more effective.

Maybe that's what Cagri is complaining about, and maybe that's why he's hoping to put together a film of his own to show the "real him". Perhaps Cagri uses his own talents to point out some of the social injustices facing the world.

Or, just maybe, Cagri is deluded into thinking that Borat is based on him at all. Maybe he simply lost touch and doesn't realize that claiming a extremely dysfunctional, racist, sexist character is based on him is not the best way to go about developing a positive following. Or maybe he spent too much time hiding his head to realize that some nations, not including Kazakhstan or the USA, still understand the concept of satire and social commentary.

I say let the movie be made. It will either reinforce the messages of "Borat", or it will serve to be the audio-visual putdown that Kazakhstan has been looking for.

This means no visitation rights

In a further effort to be somewhat different from every other blog out there, today we're not going to spend paragraphs (or multiple posts) talking about Britney Spears filing for a divorce from her baby daddy. We're also not going to talk about how the Democrats have made huge gains nationwide, because Jon Stewart already said it best. Instead, we're going to talk about Canada. Specifically, Toronto. Extremely specifically, Toronto's own Ronald Schulz.

Why are we going to talk about Ronald Schulz, you might be wondering? And, well, good for you for wondering. As it turns out, Mr. Schulz was recently sent to prison. For attempting to hire a hitman to kill his ex-wife. Schulz apparently was getting pretty tired of making child and spousal support payments, so he thought he'd take matters into his own hands, or, at least, the hands of a paid assassin.

That's not where it gets really weird, though. Now that Schulz is in prison, he figures that he doesn't have to pay any of that nasty child support that caused him to want to kill his ex in the first place. Why not? Well, he doesn't have a steady job, or a source of income. Because he's imprisoned. For trying to ensure that he didn't have to make his payments. Are you following all of this? Now, a judge is being forced to decide if Schulz has to pay or not.

Let me just make sure I'm fully onboard with this one. He didn't want to pay support. He attempted to get his wife killed. He was arrested and incarcerated. He is now arguing that being in prison prevents him from making his support payments. And the judge could take up to a week to figure out how to rule?

Listen, Canada, I know you hate being called America, Jr. Trust me, the way we've been acting lately, I can't really blame you. But when you can't figure out something like this, you prove yourself as our little kid brother. Where we have cases like OJ Simpson, you will have Ronald Schulz. Where we have our overpriced athletes, you'll continue to pay your baseball players in hilarious Canadian dollars. Where we have bacon, you'll have Canadian bacon. And lastly, where we have Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, you will have them in less frequent doses.

Seriously, this is why we need a fence on both borders. We need to do everything we can to keep our culture and problems from spreading out beyond our lands and infecting our neighbors. Besides, they have better beer.

What goes up

Welcome to Election Day 2006. Of course, since we're pretty sure that each and every one of our readers are pretty much sick of reading more election news, we've decided to expand our horizons. Today, we're taking a look over into Germany.

Apparently, in Berlin, the newest spectator sport is watching people jump to their death. At least, that's kind of the way it seemed as a 21-year-old woman perched herself on a building 230 feet off the ground and prepared to commit suicide. Waiting on the ground below were a group of homeless, trying to encourage the girl to keep her life, and a mass of spectators, including a number of teenagers, who just wanted to watch.

Of course, this being Germany, things just couldn't go according to plan. The girl started taking too much time, causing some of the generally punctual German teens to start shouting for her to go ahead and launch herself off of the town hall roof. Naturally, the homeless didn't like this notion, and started arguing with the teens, trying to get them to stop. Before too long, a brawl broke out amongst the homeless and the teens. Said brawl ended up with numerous injuries, and eight arrests. The girl was coaxed down by the police.

All we can really say beyond this is that, obviously, the German people need better television, and more outlets for their anger. Maybe drinking beer and eating schnitzel is good enough to keep Austrians from watching (and cheering) for someone's suicide attempt, but not in Berlin. Maybe we need to talk to RockStar Games, and get them to put out a Grand Theft Auto: Sausage City featuring a version of Munich.

Although, in hindsight, it's probably better that this didn't happen in Ireland. The Irish would've been drunk and fighting just because they were in the street together. And because they hate the English.

Haven't we seen this before?

Recent news coming out of Washington showcase that, once again, the current administration didn't pay attention to the full scope of intelligence that it had before itself. Back in 1999, the government conducted a series of secret war games, called "Desert Crossing", to simulate what might happen in Iraq should there be a military action to remove Saddam Hussein from power. The results were fairly astounding, especially given the notion that not enough troops were sent to Iraq in the first place.

Of course, the US has, at peak, placed around 160,000 troops on the ground in Iraq, with a standing force of over 140,000. However, the results of "Desert Crossing" show that a failed Iraq state was likely even if we had sent over 400,000 troops. Obviously, it's not just numbers and bodies. Nevermind that we're quickly closing in on 3,000 deaths since the beginning of this conflict, something that GDub refers to as a "comma in history".

With the recent editorial in the Military Times calling for the resignation of "Gin" Rummy, the President and his press monkey have come out and stood their ground, with Snowjob even saying that "everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not to their own facts." What Mr. Snow, and much of the GOP, seems to be forgetting, is that this entire conflict has been built on the basis of "facts" only held by GDub and his cronies. "Facts" that were later proven to be reprehensibly incorrect. The war was launched to stop al Qaeda, even though the fact of the matter is that Iraq and the Taliban had no strong connections until after we made our presence known. We were presented with the "fact" of WMDs, and then told that there never were WMDs in Iraq, but that it was simply a made-up justification for the fighting. We were given the "fact" that the mission had been accomplished, while soldiers continued to die and sectarian violence continued to increase.

And now we are presented with this new fact, and the knowledge that the facts and possibilities brought up through the exercise known as "Desert Crossing" were ignored beyond the shadow of a doubt. With an election coming up tomorrow, and "facts" being bounced around by candidates from both parties, is it any wonder that the American people continue to feel more informed through programs such as The Daily Show? After all, at least Jon Stewart admits that he's stretching the truth for humor.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 30, 2006

Well, everyone, Halloween has come and past, and that means it's time for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. There's been a few items that have caught our attention this week, so let's get this ball rolling.

You're Number One Award
A school bus driver has filed a grievance this week for having lost her job back in June. How did she lose her job, you might ask? Why, by giving GDub a "shamefully crass gesture" while driving a busfull of students. The President apparently commented shortly after the incident happened by saying "That one's not a fan." Unfortunately for GDub, he was thinking a ceiling fan, and still believes the bus driver to be a strong supporter of his administration.

I'm Taking My Studio and Going Home Award
After Tom Cruise was let loose from his long-term (and high-cost) contract with Paramount, he decided he was going to play with a new ball, and brokered a deal for himself and partner Paula Wagner to practically run United Artists. Once established by and for artists like Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks, this move should bring UA in a new direction. Newly announced pictures coming from UA include "Battlefield Earth 2: Losing More Money", "Dianetics: The Motion Picture", and "L. Ron Hubbard's Cult of Affluence".

Intelligence Reading Award
We give this award to Porter Goss, who, like George Tenet before him, may be following up his departure from the position leading the CIA with a book. While the book has not been confirmed, Goss is also claiming that it will not be a tell-all book. Early guesses as to what the book contains will include sentences like, "After that, I told that he could ." and "Rummy plays a mean banjo."

OMG! Haxx0r3d!!!1! Award
Across the country, people have been worried about the Diebold voting machines that seem to be popping up in districts everywhere. These machines are supposedly, according to Diebold, completely secure in how they transmit the data. Apparently, this isn't completely the truth. Other things that Diebold finds secure include Kryptonite bicycle locks, and leaving your doors unlocked while spending a week in the Bahamas.

A Joke is a Joke Award
We give this to John Kerry, for his "joke" regarding education and laziness of thought. The joke, quite obviously, came across as more of an insult than anything else. However, the words Kerry spoke have already made him the surprise favorite to win in Last Comic Standing 4.

I'm Not... Well... Maybe a Little Award
This goes out to Ted Haggard, pastor of the New Life Church, and one of the more vocal regarding the evils of homosexuality. Apparently, Haggard is currently being accused of having paid a male escort for both a homosexual affair, and for drug use. Haggard immediately denied the claims, then proceeded to place himself on leave from the Church and admitted that some of what has been said is true. Who would've thought that a person holding a position of power within a church would ever have sexual contact with their same gender? It's just shocking, I tell ya.

Bombs in the Tubes Award
Given how the administration uses "the Google", it's not much of a shock to learn that there has been an incredible resource for those looking to put together nuclear technology. That resource? A government run website. This site, recently taken down, included information about how to put together your own nuclear bomb. Iran and North Korea were both quoted as saying, "Oh crap. And we did all that work, too. We KNEW we should've just googled 'nuclear bomb'."

How to Lose an Election in 10 Days Award
This award goes to Mike Hatch, current attorney general and gubernatorial candidate in the state of Minnesota, not for his running mates lack of knowledge of E-85, but for his own verbal explosions, ranging from claiming that there's a cabal trying to keep him out of office to calling a reporter "Republican whore". Hatch, of course, insists that he called the reporter a "hack" instead. In related news, Mel Gibson is now saying that he never said "sugartits" when arrested. What he said instead was "succulent melons".

Around the World with Borat Award
In one of our rare pieces of praise, we have to hand it to Sasha Baron Cohen, the man behind Borat. Not only has he proceeded to appear on practically every show ever created, including a surprise double appearance both on "To Tell the Truth" and "The Dick Cavett Show", but he has continued to lure people into believing that he is truly a reporter from a (relatively) backwards nation. Take a chance this weekend to watch as the inevitable backlash occurs, and guess how long it'll be before Parisite Hilton starts talking about the time Borat got her to ride a pony, a la Catherine the Great.

Well, that does it for another weekly round-up of stories that piqued our interest. Come back next week when we get to discuss how the election results have played out and watch the candidates that don't think the votes were representative of the people (Lieberman, we're looking at you). Stay safe out there.

War is hard

GDub recently was asked a few questions regarding troop levels and the state of the Iraq war. The Decider made it clear that his commanders have not specifically requested any more troops than they already have, saying that the number currently in Iraq is "what they can live with." He followed that up by saying that "it's hard... to tell" if troops will still be in Iraq when he leaves office, over two years from now.

People are, of course, immediately leaping to the attack, pointing out that GDub's statement is an admission that he has no actual plans for when and how to wrap-up the combat going on in Iraq. Defenders are quick to say that the Decider can't tell yet, because a large number of permutations to the situation could happen between then and now, and it's too early (and dangerous) to make firm plans, especially in the middle of an election year. True, GDub isn't losing his throne of power for another couple of years, but he could see his base eroded by significant Democrat wins across the nation.

I'm just going to point out that whether or not troops will still be in Iraq is not the only thing that GDub finds "hard to tell". He also has a hard time figuring out how Jack Abramoff didn't get lesser charges, how exactly to inappropriately touch or speak to foreign ambassadors and dignitaries, and why his approval rating is so low. Other things that the Decider has a difficult time figuring out include the ingredients for a peanut and jelly sandwich, and whether or not his shoes are tied. He has huge problems with this last problem when wearing loafers.

So in all fairness, with regards to a situation that's highly volatile, and with a chimp waiting to push buttons behind the scenes, it's probably not a bad idea that he isn't sure how long the troops will be there. I, for one, would be more concerned if he knew the exact departure date, because that, to me, would sound like the endgame had already been decided.

And we don't have time-travelling Japanese workers to help warn us.

And in this corner...

The campaign of Sen. George Allen just can't seem to get itself righted. It seems like every time they are about to steady themselves from the controversies that, admittedly, they've caused themselves, they are forced to start clean-up on yet another issue. From macaca to allegations of white superiority groups, Sen. Allen just can't catch a break.

Well, on Halloween, it wasn't Sen. Allen himself that delivered another knock to what may be his sinking campaign. It was a staffer. Of course, Allen didn't stop the incident from happening, but he wasn't directly involved. What could turn out to be a fatal blow to Allen's campaign came when one of his staffers decided to take a constituent, put them in a headlock, and then slam them against a window.

As for Mike Stark, the constituent who was assualted and will be filing a lawsuit, what exactly did he do wrong? As it turns out, he was trying get some questions answered. Questions that deserve answers, at least for the voters who have to make their decisions about Sen. Allen in about a week. But Allen's staff apparently decided that, just because something should be part of the public record, there's no right for anyone to ask about those things. And, instead of either answering or ignoring the questions, the best course of action appeared in their minds as a mid-level match on a professional wrestling program. Stark simply wanted to know about Allen's arrest (from the 1970's) and about his divorce (which has its records sealed). He wasn't prepared for a body slam against a window.

A quick note for Sen. Allen. If you want to save any shred of your hopes in this election, fire each and everyone of your staff that was present when this incident happened. Then give them jobs so you can fire them again. Then call up Vince McMahon and the WWE, because it seems like some of your crew may just be preparing to make a run towards gaining the World Tag Team Championship belts.

Horror finally strikes home

With just eight days remaining before people nationwide leave their homes to cast their votes (and the other 70% of Americans decide it's not worthwhile and stay home to complain about the election results), the Democrats have finally found something of a spine. With the campaign season almost over, it's finally time to start trotting out the ads mentioning that little conflict we've got going on over in Iraq.

Some of you may remember that we've been fighting in Iraq for years, almost since the tragedy in New York. Why? Well, obviously, because Saddam Hussein was a much bigger threat to our way of life than Osama bin Laden (who's still at large, by the way). Of course, we've spent those years overthrowing the system of government that the Iraqi people had, placing our own form of democracy in its place, and then sending platoon after platoon to replace the soldiers that keep getting injured or killed by the insurgency, which has, according to "Gin" Rummy been in its "final throes" for almost a year and a half now. I've seen monsters in horror movies die faster.

Obviously, the Democrats are trying to secure the portion of the country that feels the war has been improperly handled. They plan on running the ads attacking how the GOP has governed during the war, while working to eliminate GDub's theory that if you vote for anyone other than one of his personal supporters, "the terrorists have already won". Sadly, this is being left in the hands of a party that lost one of its Golden Boys in Joe Lieberman through his political affiliations, and yet will lose the election in Connecticut to said Golden Boy because they can't actually mobilize the support, or the brain cells, to get behind Ned Lamont.

This country, a place where, unfortunately, the terrorists have already won far more than we want to admit, is locked between two dueling parties. Yes, I am aware that there are third party candidates out there, but, honestly, the only parties that really matter in America at present are the Democrats and the Republicans. Unfortunately, one of those two is corrupt, and the other has no sense of direction. I leave it to you to determine which is which.

Not funny

When recently asked whether or not he was going to miss mocking GDub and his cronies in the White House, Jon Stewart had a simple answer.

"No."

This may come as something of a surprise to a large number of people, especially given that Stewart has practically been able to reinvent his entire career by sitting behind The Daily Show newsdesk while doing exactly what he is saying he won't miss. I, on the other hand, tend to believe him, and the reasons why are very simple.

First off, every comedian likes to get new material. There's something about comedy that must remain vibrant, otherwise it dies. For example, the first three or four times you hear a good joke, you laugh. After twenty times, you need to move on, because it isn't as funny anymore. Consequently, eventually all the material possible about GDub and VeepCheney will be exhausted, and everything else will just be rehashing the same old standards. Some people think this has already happened.

Secondly, as incompetent and/or evil as they may be, nobody really wants to spend all of their time making fun of those that we're supposed to look up to. Sure, point out a failing here and there. Laugh at their misusage of the language. But, when one does that day after day after day, without fail, one almost has to start wondering if perhaps the joke isn't being played on the comedian instead. After all, nobody with that well-polished of a public relations department should be that open to being attacked for the things that they do or say. And yet, almost every day there's a new Bushism, or Snowism, or image of Cheney grilling kittens that comedians worldwide can attack.

Finally, Stewart knows what will happen to the show if there isn't a fairly regular change of hands for the seat of power. It's the same thing that will happen to this country (and, again, some are saying it's already too late). There will be moral degradation, and the overall malaise that will linger in everyone will make the telling of jokes impossible. Eventually, the only comedians that will be socially acceptable will be Carrot Top and Sinbad.

And, no matter how you look at it, that's just not funny.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 23, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. This week, with the holiday looming, we're going to put a bit of a Halloween spin on the awards. Yes, we know that Halloween isn't until Tuesday, but we want to be slightly ahead of the blogosphere on this one. Without further ado, let's get the skull rolling.

Toil and Trouble Award
News from the NRCC is that they are spending over 90% of their total advertising budget running negative campaign ads. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who's actually ingested any form of media over the last month or so. Upcoming spots will, of course, cast Hillary Clinton as a treacherous, plastic surgery-created vampire, and Amy Klobuchar will be accused of feasting on the souls of children. The downside is that GDub will get scared of the boogeyman and hide in the Oval Office for the next month.

Ain't Nothing But a Race Thing Award
This goes out to Tony Snow, everyone's favorite talking head, for thinking he's a bit "quaint" in not seeing the big deal over the outcry regarding the racist ads run in Tennessee. Snow firmly believes that the race card is always pulled when African American candidates run for office. Other things that Snow believes include that zombies exist in small communities in Michigan, and that kittens make excellent sandwich fixings.

Attack of the Living Kazakhs Award
Borat is gaining momentum with only a week to go before the movie opens. Now a Kazakh comic is planning on visiting London to get comic justice on Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Borat, for his portrayal of Kazakhstan. Jantemir Baimukhamedov is supposedly planning on bring Cohen's mother horse sausage and urine, to fuel his revenge and prove that Kazakhstan is not a backwards nation. Of course, first Baimukhamedov has to figure out how to fuel his sheep-powered wagon and find ways to express his desire "for to be making the funny".

Asking for It Award
Kevin Federline recently made a statement regarding how people feel about him. Specifically, he said, "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me." Unfortunately for the world as a whole, the reporter K-Fed spoke to didn't have the guts to admit that we already do.

Full Moon Award
No, this isn't what you're thinking. This goes out to the change in views expressed by Hillary Clinton regarding same-sex marriage. Whereas 2000 featured Hillary very opposed to the concept, she is now willing to embrace those who support it. Other changes Hillary has undergone over the past 6 years include a willingness to let a werewolf finally visit New York after it's done touring Paris and London, and a nod towards plastic surgery, by saying, "You know, maybe it would keep Bill around more if I at least did some botox."

It's a Doppelganger Award
This goes out to the Ohio Republican Party, for running a photo of Al Franken wearing a diaper and bunny ears. Problem is, the photo was obviously a composite, and obviously a fake. Other images that did not receive coverage included Keith Olbermann sucking his thumb while wearing overalls, Bill Clinton playing teeball with Roger, and, in a rare positive image for the GOP, placing Ann Coulter's head on the body of a woman.
Honorable mention goes to Elizabeth Hasselback, for finally rubbing enough brain cells together to realize that someone was making fun of her.

It's Only Torture if The Other Guy's Crying Award
We give this to VPCheney, for his admission of using the technique called "waterboarding" in the interrogation of criminals. Of course, Cheney doesn't feel that waterboarding is torture in the slightest, just a harsh form of interrogation. In all fairness, the VP didn't think waterboarding was torture when he first invented it, all while a young page slaving away for noteriety within the Spanish Inquisition.

Good Idea, Bad Idea Award
We give this to the United Nations. Good idea? Placing a peacekeeping force between Israel and Lebanon. Bad idea? Using Germans as the main peacekeepers. After all, there's not much love lost between Israel and Germany, and, as anyone who happens to have a Jewish grandmother knows, the Israelites have a notoriously long memory. Although it is a step up from the other proposed peacekeeping force... Syria.

Well, that wraps us up for another week. Have a good weekend, don't worry too much about what goes bump in the night, and stay safe out there.

1...2...26...27...7...8...

God bless Tony Snow, so that he knows that someone does. Apparently the Snowjob needs to go back to remedial math classes. Of course, by remedial, we do mean the classes where they teach counting. The White House Press Secretary just can't seem to figure out how many times The Decider used the term "stay the course".

Nevermind that doing a Google search of White House transcripts yields 100+ results. Also nevermind that Countdown with Keith Olbermann was able to discover 29 separate instances of that particular phrase being used. After GDub insisted on Sunday that he's never been "stay the course" with regards to the War in Iraq, Snowjob picked up on that, and insisted that the words were never uttered.

Under scrutiny, Tony Snow has gone and revised his original estimate. Of course, given that his previous job was working with faulty definitions of "fair" and "balanced" on FOXNews, we shouldn't be surprised that he's having trouble grasping vague concepts like numbers. Snow has recently admitted that GDub may have said those exact words a few times. Approximately eight times, by the White House count. This is a far cry from the 29 that Keith Olbermann discovered, and isn't anywhere near spitting distance of what a Google search can pull up.

Perhaps this should serve as a wake-up call to the GDub administration (not that they've paid attention to any of the other calls they've gotten during their six years). When you're press secretary needs to use his fingers to count up the number of times something was said, and he still gets it wrong, maybe you should look into a new press secretary. After all, putting a PR spin on things will never work if the information can be debunked almost as soon as it's made available.

Or maybe it's time to reanalyze "No Child Left Behind". While Snowjob isn't a product of that program, his inability to count all the way up to 29 makes one wonder about the education priorities of the administration as a whole.

Oh, and Tony? It's ok. Einstein failed at math once, too.

You know what they do to messengers

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is trying to offer some helpful advice to all of the GOP hopefuls running for election this coming November. He suggests that, to help win the election, the candidates should focus on things like tax cuts, and the drop in the price of gas.

Although it wouldn't seem like it needed to be said, Frist is also suggesting that GOP candidates don't talk about the war in Iraq, or the "terror issue".

Well, duh. After all, when you're running for office, and belong to a certain political party, why would you even consider bringing up points of conversation where it's fairly obvious your party leaders have made mistakes. Severe mistakes. Of course you should focus on the good things that you're party has done. It's almost as though Frist is going to a fraternity house and saying, "Guys, when advertising your next party, feel free to talk about the beer and games that are played. But, if I were you, I wouldn't mention the hazing or date rape."

The Democrats, of course, should be jumping all over this concept, if they want to win the Congress this November. After all, if the Senate Majority leader is telling his constituents to avoid talking about a certain issue because of how the GOP has handled it, why not make a different tactic on those issues a cornerstone of your campaigns? Of course, the Democrats, at least in Minnesota, are too busy defending themselves against some fairly outrageous claims (and some accurate ones, like the desire to repeal the tax breaks on the extremely wealthy) to even consider going on the offensive with something like this.

Which, of course, means that we're left waiting until the election, as one party doesn't want to talk about some of the biggest blights on our country in recent decades, and the other party is too dazed by all of the wadded-up pieces of Kleenex thrown their way to figure out how to mobilize even their plastic army figures.

But hey, thanks to Minnesota Public Radio, I can track my home election results from the comfort of my own blog. So can you, if you want. Hooray to widgets.

As a button

The race for Senate in New York is getting more interesting, as it steps further and further away from anything resembling politics. Republican John Spencer, who is running against Hillary Clinton, recently disparaged his opponent in the New York Daily News. How, you might ask? By alluding that she may have gotten plastic surgery.

Hillary, of course, responded, all the while complaining that the campaign has stepped to attacks on physical appearance.

Sure, the photo of Hillary from high school isn't terrific, but it was taken back when cameras were still being perfected. Besides, she had a much smaller penis in high school, and it's barely even noticeable in the photo.

For those at home wondering, yes, I'm joking. It's totally visible in the full photograph, just not in the published headshot.

Had Spencer focused more on the photos of Hillary at college, he might have had more ammunition to work with. Those pictures showed Hillary looking even more unkempt and unattractive than Chelsey Clinton did in her worst bouts of puberty. Of course, Spencer even minimized his own attacks by point out that Clinton "looks good now".

It's comforting to realize that, in a world with all the problems we've got currently facing us, including, but not limited to, North Korea with nuclear potential and Kazakhstan still worried how Borat could affect their reputation, we can see a political candidate step into the world of high fashion, and accuse his opponent of having once been anything less than attractive. God bless America indeed.

If the gloves don't fit, well... you know

Eleven years after the infamous trial that kept him out of prison, and almost eleven years since the civil case that found him guilty and ordered payments to the families, OJ Simpson is stepping back into the spotlight cast on him by the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. And he's doing it in possibly the worst-conceived way possible.

He's writing a book about how he could have done it.

True, Simpson is claiming that the accounts in the alleged book deal (alleged because nobody has owned up to wanting to publish as of yet) are simply "hypotheticals", but it still casts an odd light on the crime. The working title of the book is supposedly "If I Did It", which could cause millions to pause when they see it and question the usage of the word "If".

Simply put, Simpson has continued to profit since the trials, both from his football career, and, seemingly, from the very act that people continue to look at him skeptically for. The merest notion of publishing a book by Simpson revolving around the murders seems to be not only in bad taste, but an ill-advised marketing move.

If this book is truly going to be coming to bookstore shelves sometime soon, then I would like to humbly suggest making it into a series of books, all by different authors. For example, you could release Adolf Hitler's book "If I Did It: Memoirs of a Failed Art Student", R. Kelly's "If I Did It: Problems Finding a Toilet", and Madonna's "If I Did It: Kidnapping from Malawai".

Of course, it's probably just a matter of time before we find Mel Gibson's tell-all, "What Do You Mean 'If', Sugartits?"

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards, where we try and skewer as many stories as possible in a short span of time. Let's get things underway...

Don't Ask, Don't Vote Award
Republicans are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to make it known that they aren't anti-homosexual. As it turns out, they aren't really against gay rights, they just have to act, speak, and legislate that way because "that's where the votes are". In other news, the GOP is also going to come out as being in favor of limiting our role in Iraq, and of being against corporate kickbacks. Also, they don't truly think they are the party of God, but they are told to act that way by the Archangel Gabriel.

Our Hole's Bigger Than Your Hole Award
The hole in the ozone layer isn't getting any smaller. Even though the chemicals thought responsible for the hole were phased out twenty years ago, the hole has grown to about the size of North America. Finally, we have something to brag about at the Interplanetary Reunion, while we continue to laugh at Pluto's relocation to the children's table.

Well Duh Award
This award title could almost become a weekly feature. This time around we hand it out to the National Bureau of Economic Research, who released a study letting us know that FOXNews has influence over how people vote. This is due, at least partially, to the highly slanted style of "fair and balanced" that FOXNews presents (both "fair" and "balanced" being trademarks of the GOP). The author of the report even mentions that FOXNews may have "induced a general ideological shift." Future studies from the NBER include "Thumbs; Making Us Different Than Gerbils" and "Whatever Happened to Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' Campaign?"

Now You See It Award
Scientists have announced that they've created a sort of invisibility cloak, which works by deflecting light away from the object it's concealing. So far, they've been able to mostly shield a cylinder from microwaves, all while leaving a small shadow. Said scientists are, of course, trying to work on perfecting actual invisibility. After they achieve their goal, the individuals working on this technology may finally find out what the inside of a woman's bedroom looks like.

I'm So Sowwy Award
Kim Jong Il, the star of Team America: World Police, has announced that he is sorry for the nuclear weapons test. He even made mention that he may return to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, his aides are continuing the rhetoric that they will mount an offensive if sanctions get too harsh. Maybe they all need to get together into a well-choreographed, but ultimately stiff and puppet-like, dance number. Then maybe Kim won't be so "wonwy".

Run Away Award
We give this to Katherine Harris, who is not only slated to lose the seat she is campaigning hard in Florida for, but may lose many other seats in the deal. Harris is purportedly planning on selling her Washington, D.C. house to raise funds for her campaign. In all honesty, she is probably selling the house because she realizes the futility of her campaign, and doesn't foresee the need to spend much time in the nation's capitol.

Read My Lips Award
We give this to Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), for uttering those fatal words while standing by a debunked campaign ad. DeWine's assertion is that the ad is completely true, ignoring all the facts that prove him otherwise. Others who have said those words before a total lie include Paris Hilton, who said it before she announced her year of celibacy, and Mahatma Ghandi, before he swore he would "totally beat the ass of anyone who stepped on his sandals again."

It Worked For "The Office" Award
CBS has announced that it is the next network to bring over a non-game show from the UK. The import this time? The quirky, hard to classify "Viva Blackpool!". Hugh Jackman is listed as a possible guest star/executive producer. CBS is obviously hoping to gain the success of "The Office", while avoiding the pitfalls of "Coupling". Not wanting to be left out, ABC is looking to bring over "Benny Hill", and cast Andy Dick as the star.

The Passion of Madonna Award
NBC is going to be airing a special of Madonna's newest concert. Of course, the scene that drew the most ire during her tour, the crucifixion scene, will not be getting airtime. NBC, who recently let go of 700 staffers, is obviously trying to keep viewership from dropping them below even the CW in ratings. However, with some of the "sketches" used on NBC's "Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip" (and I use the word sketches loosely), NBC may want to consider reinserting Madonna on a cross, if only to allow Aaron Sorkin to write another almost funny bit about Christianity. Of course, as we all remember, Madonna already did the flogging reenactment years ago.

Is She Gone Yet? Award
I am an unabashed fan of Scarlett Johansson. I freely admit this. By the same token, isn't it time for her to take a bit of a break and let some other starlets soak up some silver screen time? Seriously, it seems like ever since Lost in Translation, she's had a movie in theaters almost every week. With The Prestige opening today, she adds another one to her belt. Future projects include another 17,203 films, guest appearances on every television show ever created (watch for her appearance in episode three of "I Love Lucy") and black market slave trades.

Well, that wraps up yet another week of awards. Thanks for joining us yet again as we stomp our way through the world's events. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Stay safe out there.

When life imitates art

It almost seems like a publicity stunt orchestrated to drum up viewership for Borat when it finally hits theaters this fall. Of course, many would say that Borat doesn't need any further stunts, due to a large pre-built fanbase on the internet, but Snakes on a Plane proved that being an online fan doesn't necessarily mean your seat will be in the theater when the movie opens.

Anyways, back to the incident that seems too ridiculous to be true. Apparently, the Kazakhstan central bank has made a slight error in printing their 2,000 and 5,000 tenge notes. The error? They misspelled the word "bank".

Of course, this mistake could lead to Borat making a press statement, talking about how the new, incorrect notes are better for the making of love purchase to one's sister's cow. The Kazakh president is already urging the bank to not distribute the money, which will be put into distribution and then slowly phased out through November.

Let me get this right. Kazakhstan is fighting to keep Borat from being screened worldwide, fearful of how they might be portrayed. They even enlisted the help of GDub, the great Decider, in trying to stop this pervasive influence from spreading, proving that, even overseas, politicians don't get humor. And then they misspell "bank".

This seems so far out of left field, that's it's almost too improbable to be true. And yet, it is. Of course, this is all just prior to the announcement that the Kazakh's have invited Sasha Baron Cohen to visit Borat's "homeland", giving themselves to prove that they aren't the backwards nation that he is portraying them to be. If they're really smart, they'll even offer to pay him for the extra publicity.

Possibly even in misprinted currency.

As the world turns

It almost sounds like something coming from the pages of a comic book. Heck, it sounds an awful lot like the premise behind NBC's Heroes, although not quite as super-powered. Scientists have published a recent study that shows that, eventually, the human race could split into two main subspecies.

Of course, the eventually that these scientists are talking about is around 100,000 years in the future.

Dr. Oliver Curry, the leading researcher behind the study, is already guessing that, within the next thousand years or so, the genetically blessed are going to average between six and seven feet tall, and be more physically attractive, more intelligent, and more creative than the genetic underclass. The cause behind all of this? Dr. Curry is blaming sexual selection, the process of being a little selective about who we procreate with, as opposed to just grabbing the first person we see at last call.

Aside from wondering exactly how this applies to people now, the other question that's being begged is, hasn't this already started happening, to an extent? Don't we already have a genetic upper- and lower-class? After all, look at a good portion of the celebrities we have out there. There are people who are famous simply because they look good. There are others who are equally famous for how horrible they look (Parisite Hilton springs to mind). And we most definitely have a genetic lower-class. One needs look no further than West Virginia to see that truth brought brutally to the forefront.

Of course, Dr. Curry makes bold predictions that, if people continue to be selective about their breeding patterns, we will eventually be left with race of square-jawed men and women with perky breasts, to combat the race of deformed "goblins" that are left behind. As we all know well, thanks to Peter Jackson, these differences will lead to war, a war that can only be finished by one of the goblins throwing the one ring made from the sinews of Emperor for Eternity GDub into the fires of Mt. Everest. Or Kilimanjaro.

Or the goblin will put on the ring and believe itself to be invisible, all while attacking any foreign country that looks at him sideways.

Iron oxidized

Does anyone remember Mike Tyson? The guy that beat up Robin Givens, tried to chew off another boxer's ear, and allegedly threw a television while in prison on a number of different charges? The man with a voice higher than Michael Jackson's, but with anger issues severe enough that nobody would mention it to his face? The guy who formerly went around as "Iron" Mike... who is now coming out of retirement (of sorts) to box for charity.

This actually may not be the worst idea that Tyson has ever had. After all, people will pay huge fees to watch men years past their prime try to knock each other out (I'm looking at you, George Foreman). And the mere notion of being able to see Tyson on pay-per-view has many that remember his glory years salivating over their credit cards, just waiting to be able to tune in the channel. Nevermind that Tyson himself said that the fights are probably only going to last around four rounds (the same time it took Uwe Boll to knock out four critics) during a press conference, and that his first "opponent" will be his former sparring partner. That's right, folks. Cough up the dough to watch Tyson beat on the guy he used to practice with.

But the scariest part, and the part that shows Tyson as being almost out of touch enough to get a job in the Bush White House, is that "Iron" Mike is also entertaining the notion of taking on women during his "World Tour". Tyson himself seems to think that the years of whispering sweet nothings to his opponent while chewing on the cartilege of the ear are far behind him. And even though Tyson is hoping to face-off against women who are professional boxers, like Ann Wolfe (21-1, 15KO), he has to realize the dangerous ground he's already stepped into by merely suggesting it.

Although, if Tyson really does want to box against a woman, I've got a couple of names I'd throw his way. Tonya Harding and Courtney Love could probably do a bit of a number of the big guy, especially if Courtney proposed, or Tonya had a tire iron. As for the dream match-up, the one that would get my hard earned dollars? I'd pay to see Mike Tyson take on Janet Reno. We all know that Reno's got the reach, and a killer hook. Just ask Bill....

Doing it again

The controversy surrounding ABC's decision to air "The Path to 9/11" is still fresh in our minds. After all, the docudrama had more drama than docu in it, and plenty of facts were either ignored outright, or twisted in such a way that the Bush Administration didn't shoulder any of the blame for what happened. In fact, the apparent only cause of the events of 9/11 was the Clinton White House, at least according to scriptwriter Cyrus Nowrasteh.

Now there is word that Nowrasteh is being asked to pen his second script on the nature of 9/11, this time for Paramount Pictures and the always controversial Oliver Stone. Nowrasteh is being asked to adapt the book "Jawbreaker", a story which once again praises GDub while attacking Clinton for the fact that bin Laden is still a free man.

This should really come as no surprise. After all, Oliver Stone loves to find controversay and conspiracy wherever he can. He's also become the recent champion for America's resolve, as "World Trade Center" proves. The fact that he should make the attempt to combine those two ideals into one picture is not surprising in the least. Paramount is also not a shock as a willing partner, because, well, controversy brings in the viewers, generally. The studio should make money on this deal, and that's the biggest concern for most movie studios. Lastly, we have Nowrasteh, but the man has already changed history once with a screenplay, so why not keep going?

Looking into the future, I think we can safely assume that Nowrasteh will continue re-writing history from a conservative bent, including telling of how the fighting in Iraq and North Korea's nuclear potential can be traced back to the Clinton administration. Of course, after 2008, when GDub is replaced as President, I'm sure that will somehow be blamed on Clinton and the Democrats as well.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. Let's get this ball rolling.

ZOMG! P4wnz3d n00b! Teh sux0rz! Award
To everyone involved in the ongoing Foley instant message scandal. It's almost like none of these people have ever seen the internet (which, as we were all informed over the summer, is a series of tubes). Recent information points out that the FBI would have been involved in this investigation a lot earlier, but they were busy pretending to be 16 year old girls, thereby dropping the ball.

Freudian Slip of the Tongue Award
This goes out to Keith Olbermann, for saying exactly what most of America was thinking regarding the Paris Hilton/Shanna Moakler "fight", but doing it through captions. Unfortunately, Keith seems to have forgotten that he's on MSNBC, and not on ESPN or even Comedy Central. Ultimately, Mr. Olbermann may be in trouble with FOXNews, who is upset that they didn't come up with the "A Slut and Battery" angle first. Well, O'Reilly did, but he settled out of court.

And They Didn't Even Buy Dinner Award
This goes out to Christopher Shays (R-Conn, Bridgeport), who defended the actions taken at Abu Ghraib prison as not torture, but instead a "sex ring". Rep. Shays also believes that shooting someone is not attempted murder, but a simple game of laser tag gone a little wild.

Stand By Your Man Award
This goes out to GDub, for standing firmly in the idea that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is a boon to not only the GOP, but to the country as a whole. The Decider was quoted as saying, "He's not one of these Washington politicians who spews a lot of hot air. He just gets the job done." Thankfully, this statement is coming from an authority on spewing a lot of hot air.

Understating the Obvious Award
This award goes out to new British army chief Gen. Richard Dannatt, who was recently commenting that the presence of British forces is provoking violence in Iraq, not stemming the tide. Other things that Dannatt has been quoted as saying are, "the polar ice caps are bloody cold," and "the English like their tea."

Me, Too Award
We give this to Madonna, for attempting to be more like Angelina Jolie and adopting a Malawian baby. In an obvious publicity stunt, the Material Girl ensured that plenty of "news" organizations knew of her every move planning to adopt. It is somewhat heartening to hear that the 1 year-old child has already taken to referring to Kabbalah as, "better than scientology, but just as wacky."

Private Parts Award
The RNC recently made a goof, and let slip a list of personal information for top GOP donors in an email to the New York Sun, amongst others. This causes many to wonder about the security precautions being taken by the party who has championed extra security measures since 2001. As for the reporter who received the email, they did the noble thing, and of course made a point of setting up interviews with some of the people on the list. Other measures the RNC has taken include setting all telephones to the "speaker phone" option, and offering the eBay accounts of top donors to other top donors.

Black Like Me Award
We hand this to Angelina Jolie, for her insistence on refusing to accept the notion that black-face stopped being popular decades ago. Jolie is slated to play Mariane Pearl, who is half-black, in an upcoming movie. To help the film, they've even darkened Jolie's naturally pale skin tone. This casting move is being followed by news that Danny Glover will be playing Brendan Behan in a film about the Irish dramatist. There's also rumors that Britney Spears is being talked to about playing someone with class.

Queer Eye for the Commander Guy Award
We grant this award to NBC's Kevin Corke, who was able to get the Decider to compliment his fashion sense by wearing a pinstripe suit in the press corps. It's nice to know that, with the threat of North Korea looming around the corner and scandal bursting out all over Washington, D.C., GDub can still take some time out of his busy schedule to admire another man's suit. Looks like the Fab Five may have a sixth in a couple of years.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Sure, there was a lot more that happened, but our brains our fried. Chalk it up to being Friday the 13th. Avoid black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors, and stay safe out there.

Presidential poker

No, we're not talking about Thomas Jefferson, John Kennedy, or William Clinton. We're actually talking about a president making reference to the card game. I know, I know, sometimes the double entendre is just too easy not to miss, but I forgive your enthusiasm for more sex jokes.

Moving on... apparently the Decider could really benefit from watching some of the World Poker Tour on The Travel Channel. Heck, he could probably benefit from watching any house game of cards that involves silly variants made up on the spot to benefit the dealer. I'm sure both of his daughters are fluent in the game, although they probably stick to the strip variety.

Why should GDub learn more about poker? Because, in a recent quote, talking about trying to resolve the issues with North Korea, Bush said "one has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." While it's true that, in negotiations, the more people supporting your views, the more strength you have, the same just doesn't hold for any sort of card game. It's like the Decider was trying to say that if you happen to have a jack-high straight, and three other people also have a jack-high straight, you've got a higher chance to win than if you are the only one with those cards.

To be fair, poker is a game that can be very confusing for a lot of people, because of the skill, luck, and intricacy involved in playing it. To be beyond fair, I think it's safe to say that GDub gets confused by playing games of "War" with people (the card game, not the sudden attack on foreign armies).

Maybe it would be best if he just stuck to playing "Go Fish". Unfortunately, then someone would need to convince him to leave his rod and reel at home.

Doppleganger Effect

Ned Lamont, in response to being labeled by the Joe Lieberman campaign as being in incredibly negative politician, has taken an interesting tactic towards trying to secure himself the election. Apparently, Lamont has dug up some archival footage to use in his most recent campaign ads. The star of that archival footage? None other than a younger Joe Lieberman.

The footage that Lamont is using shows Lieberman back in 1988, as he talks about the things he will do differently from then-incumbent Lowell P. Weicker, Jr. Of course, over the course of the next 18 years (exactly the amount of time Weicker spent in office, coincidentally), Lieberman wasn't quite able to stand by his word, and Lamont is looking to exploit that.

This can only speak well for the future of political campaigning. Just think, we could see a young Katherine Harris speaking out against the exact standards candidate Katherine Harris currently stands by. We could witness a childhood Barack Obama extolling the virtues of his hard upbringing and struggle for acceptance. And we could see Hillary Clinton from the days where she was still considered a woman.

The tragedy, of course, is not that this type of campaigning wasn't being used in 2004 as heavily. No, the tragedy is that, had we seen a younger, coke-fueled GDub used in a Kerry ad, it would only have served to support his already fractured policies and global initiatives.

But at least we have Tony Snow to remind us that the full blame for the North Korea situation rests with North Korea. To think that the Decider could have done things differently to affect the current outcome is just "silly".

A silver lining

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the longest, darkest times in our storied history as a nation has finally come to a close. The sun is shining, children are rejoicing in the streets, and puppies and kittens are peacefully co-existing, all while we sip wine no longer made bitter.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again.

This news can only serve to bring joy to our hearts, as the two anorexia-fueled celebutantes can finally put aside the rough patch of their lives where they didn't acknowledge each other (to be fair, they were probably simply standing perpendicular to each other, consequently making them invisible to the naked eye) and move on to more important things, like the creation of Simple Life 6. I know that a great many of us were worried that this facsimile of a friendship was doomed when the two first started fighting, and we all had fears that neither girl would be able to keep their ice cubes down for too long, because of the anger boiling inside of them. But this tragedy has passed, and we as a nation can once again rejoice.

Of course, it is entirely possible that the Parisite started seeing the miniscule fan base she has crumbling around her, amidst DUIs and interesting baggies, and threw a bone at Nicole (not a real one... she wouldn't want to knock the poor girl down) to have the two reunite for another season of their insipid "reality" show. Nicole, somehow still the least talented and yet most famous Richie, of course accepted the offer, oddly seeing Paris as a giant walking hot dog covered in mustard.

Great. Now how am I going to get THAT image out of my head.

Survey says

Oh, Florida. How we love your wacky politicians, and the things that they do.

True, for the most part "wacky politicians" refers specifically to Katherine Harris, the woman who single-handedly helped GDub win the election the first time. The woman who pledged to bankrupt herself if need be to win the election, neglecting to mention large piles of money sitting around waiting for her to grab should she glimpse just shy of six figures. The woman who has had numerous problems keeping staffers working on her campaign. The woman who has won the race for Florida's Senate seat.

But wait. Isn't the election not until November? How can she possibly have already declared victory over her opponent, Bill Nelson?

See, in the world of Florida politics, sometimes you don't need to wait for those nagging election results to come in. Sometimes, all you need to do is decide that polls actually determine the winner, and then move forward as though everything's already been predetermined. That's how it was done back in 2000, and by God, if it was good enough for GDub, it's good enough for Katherine Harris.

This, of course, means that Florida can now rest easy, knowing that they've helped pave the way to a late October that is missing negative campaign ads. If only every other state in the Union could just get on board with this philosophy. Why, if Florida can do it, why can't New Hampshire? Or Oregon? By following this simple procedure, we can feel secure that the grand experiment called democracy can once and for all reach an end result.

Or, we can relish the fact that opinion polls simply measure opinions, and that the election is still undecided.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 2, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's get this thing rolling.

Stopping the Buck Award
The recipient of this award is one Dennis Hastert, leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. When the Foley scandal was announced, Hastert quickly said that he accepts responsibility. But not at the cost of his job, no matter what others may say. Hastert also accepts personal responsibility for the scuff in the door of your car, so long as it doesn't affect his insurance quote, and the high price of caviar.

I Want It All Award
To Google, Inc. for making plans to purchase YouTube for the price of $1.6B. This would ultimately be a win-win for both companies, as YouTube would gain Google's infrastructure, and Google would gain a wealth of videos showcasing people smacking themselves in the crotch.

Backdoor Fundraising Award
This goes out to VP Cheney, for his efforts to covertly raise money for George Allen. This comes shortly after much of the GOP turned their backs on Allen and his racially charged history. When asked for comment, the VP said, "What? He's white and he's not gay. What's the big deal?"

How Bad is Bad Award
We give this award to Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania) for running a television commercial admitting an affair, but denying having abused his mistress. Sherwood's next commercial will be an admission of having taken LSD, but denying having climbed a tree thinking he was a flying squirrel while on it.

Maybe a Few Left Behind Award
This goes out to Neil Bush, brother of the Decider, for seeing a marketing opportunity within the No Child Left Behind Act. He's rolling out packages containing curriculums that are purported to help students pass the NCLB tests. The biggest shame is that GDub himself needed two of the "curriculums on wheels" to get 50% on the testing.

How Low Can You Go Award
This award is presented to the Vatican, and specifically to Pope Benedict XVI, for the notion currently swirling around regarding the elimination of the concept of Limbo, thereby changing centuries of Catholic doctrine. The unbaptized babies of the Limbo plane are currently organizing a revolution to rename the entire place The People's Republic of Limbo.

We'll Clean That Up in Post Award
FOXNews is the winner of this particular prize for their coverage during the O'Reilly Factor concerning former congressman Mark Foley. During a live broadcast, FOXNews identified the Republican as having been a Democrat. Not to wind up with egg on their faces over the incident, they repaired their mistake... by leaving all signifiers off for the rebroadcast. To be fair, CNN has taken to referring to Joe Lieberman as a Republican.

Better Homes and Hair Award
This award goes to Bill Clinton and Jon Bon Jovi, for joining forces to help rebuild neighborhoods in Philadelphia. This is a good sign for the city of Philadelphia, and shows that some celebrities are willing to give back to the community. In other news, neighborhood bars have been packed with young hopefuls, expecting to "give back" a little of their own to the former President and/or Bon Jovi frontman.

That's all we've got for this week, folks. Tune in next week as we return to our full schedule. Stay safe out there.

It's no Weekend Update

Truth be told, it's far better than the Saturday Night Live mainstay. It's actually funny, and according to a recent study, it's just as good at getting out substantial news as most other news programs.

All of this is big praise for The Daily Show, the program which saw its host appear on Crossfire and label them "bad for America". When Tucker Carlson fired back, Stewart pointed out that his show is a comedy newscast, and that it's following a show featuring puppets. However, according to the study published by Indiana University, it looks like the joke may finally be on the major news programs.

Admittedly, the study focuses on the Presidential Election of 2004, but it does carry a resounding rebuttal for any news pundit who wants to dismiss the house that Stewart built out of hand because of its place on Comedy Central. After all, if The Daily Show can be as substantial as the nightly newscasts, what could this hold for the future of television news?

Will we see Katie Couric start bantering with a studio audience while she reads about the White House? How about Brian Williams getting one of his reporters to stand in front of a green-screen in place of being on location, replete with jokes about the action purportedly taking place? And can we really be that far from the debut of "The Lauer Hauer", where the Today show co-host plays the part of an Olbermann-like pundit, complete with his take-off on the "Worst Persons in the World"?

The study is rather heartening, by showcasing that not only can the news be funny, but it can also be incredibly informative at the same time. If this particular trend continues, and Stewart can keep the reins of the show firmly in hand, perhaps The Daily Show will assume the title of "The Most Trusted Name in News". Then, in honor of the great comedy newscasters that have come before, Jon will be forced to call the title an "ignorant slut".

Ultimately, this bodes well for the world. Perhaps this means that we're starting to take ourselves less seriously. At the very least, it lets us know that we can.

Finally, a worthwhile lawsuit

In a world where we see frivolous lawsuits all of the time, ranging from the woman who burned herself with McDonald's coffee to the garbage disposal company suing NBC for an appearance in Heroes, it's nice to know that there are still, every once in awhile, lawsuits that make sense, and are completely valid.

Even though In-Sink-Erator's isn't, the lawsuit being filed by Steve Howards is. Howards is suing a Secret Service agent for placing him under arrest. Before you start jumping to the conclusion that this is another frivolous lawsuit, realize that Howards was arrested for criticizing VP Cheney's policies with regards to Iraq. In fact, what Howards allegedly said was, "I think your policies in Iraq are reprehensible". The Secret Service agent arrested Howards, accusing him of assaulting the VP. Howards is suing over violation of his Fourth Amendment rights, and for having his First Amendment rights infringed upon.

This incident only serves to underline the overall perspective that the GDub Administration has held since taking office. They are above criticism. Anyone who disagrees with them is stepping close to treason. And nobody has batted an eye.

That is, until Steve Howards stood up. Of course, the chances of this story making larger headlines are fairly slim. While many media outlets may hold no love for the current administration, they also know where their bread is buttered. Cheney and GDub have coasted through their time in power with very few strong detractors, and many of those detractors have been quick to switch sides to attack the Democrats if it serves to help the Decider in his policies.

Which begs the question, which is the bigger crime? Is it worse to trample all over the Constitution, the founding document of this nation, simply to perpetuate your own views and ideologies? Or is it worse to stand idly by, refusing to raise serious criticisms of these actions for fear that you could lose funding?

Bored stiff at the Capitol

Representative Mark Foley (R-FL), who resigned on Friday amidst a flurry of questions regarding messages he sent to pages, has seen more of his personal life come out recently. Apparently, while waiting for a vote on the House Floor, Foley was texting away like mad, quite possibly using only one hand, in communications with underage former pages. The instant messages that Foley was sending were, while not sexually explicit, at least indicative of sexual desire.

Of course, Friday all that had come to light was some emails. And then the word that the GOP had actually warned pages about Foley back in 2001. Now the instant message situation, complete with information that Foley may very well be continuing to sign on to these clients under the same screen name, all while under investigation from the FBI. All of this leads to one question.

Is it really that dull to be a member of the House of Representatives? I mean, sure, I've watched it on C-SPAN a couple of times, and it was a great cure for insomnia on the television. But shouldn't being there actually make it a little more interesting? Doesn't the notion of leading the country and helping to govern it provide enough excitement?

And how did C-SPAN not get footage of someone furiously having cybersex? I mean, maybe they just had too much Strom Thurmond over their broadcast history, but shouldn't they at least have tried to capture something? Maybe for release. Just think of it. Representatives Gone Wild would be a great title.

This was classic Jerry Springer-era television in the making, and C-SPAN missed out. No wonder they always lag in the Nielsen ratings.