A new definition of "sausage fingers"

Scientists have been trying to figure out for decades, if not longer, how certain animals can regenerate missing pieces. Studies have been done producing spontaneously healing mice, salamanders with more arms than an Hindu goddess, and a new breakthrough for humans. This summer, testing will begin to discover whether a powdered pig extract can result in the regrowth of lost fingers and, potentially, full limbs.

If this technology ends up working, it could lead to huge advances overall. People could not only regrow their missing digits, but the overly-scar-conscious could get new skin instead of the usual puckering. Nevermind the thought of everyone being able to count to ten on their fingers, no matter what type of accident they may have experienced in the past.

Ultimately, the scientists are hoping to be able to reproduce in humans something found in salamanders, with their ability to reproduce missing limbs quickly. Instead of the usual scarring found in many creatures, which has a tendency to halt the healing process, salamanders produce a bundle of cells that carries the "memory" of what had been in place before. Substitute this bundle of cells, in whole or in part, and you can theoretically produce new copies in places that they didn't previously exist.

While the scientists are making progress, and have even bred mice to produce blastemas instead of scars, the reality of limb or digit regeneration is still quite a ways off. While there have been isolated instances, there is nothing sustainable as of yet. Still, that could ultimately be a good thing. After all, is the world really prepared for a whole new level of plastic surgery, where people grow a third (or fourth) arm just because it's possible?

And don't even get us started on what it could (and probably would) mean for breast augmentation. We can't help but flash back to Total Recall on that one.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 12, 2007

Welcome back to another end-of-the-week capper to the CSM. We've survived through the week (not because of Valentine's Day, but because the President gave a press conference), and are looking out across the weekend with our eyes full of hopes and our hearts full of dreams. This is largely due to the fact that we're still reliving the predictions of a hibernating mammal from a couple of weeks ago, and are starting to get impatient for Mother Nature to catch up. Anyways, let's get rolling with the awards.

This Just In Award
CNN may still be a little unsure, but we're not. She's still dead. Moving on (since too much of the rest of the world hasn't)...

La Vida Loca Award
We've got to hand it to Ricky Martin. The Puerto Rican singer recently decided to let his middle finger do his non-verbal speaking for him during a recent song mentioning GDub. Martin had previously performed at Bush's 2001 inauguration, but has changed positions due to the war. And, if we've learned anything from celebrities, including those past their prime, it's that doing something like flipping the bird during a concert will definitely spark social change. Heck, the rest of Menudo has been giving the middle finger to people for years, and look where that's gotten them.

Rattle and Um Award
We give this to the state of North Dakota, for turning down a resolution to honor U2 frontman Bono. The resolution was proposed to honor the Irishman's contribution towards helping Third World countries and other advocacy, and was shot down when lawmakers astutely observed that Bono has no real connection to the state of North Dakota. Of course, if such a resolution had been proposed in Minnesota, there's a chance it would've passed, simply because he has left the state.

Other Side of the Coin Award
The US Mint once again showed its perseverance, and released yet another new dollar coin, in an attempt to push Americans towards more metal in the pocket, and less paper in the billfold. The new coins, which are about the same size as the recent failed attempt to push forward the Sacagawea dollar, will feature the Presidents in a rotation similar to the state quarters roll-out. Expect people to once again become giddy about the new coins for a few months, then complain loudly that they keep getting them confused with quarters in the dark. After about a year, the only place the coins should readily appear will be at Renaissance Festivals across the nation, for people who want to pay with "period coinage".

A Little Less Conversation Award
Santa Fe, New Mexico is looking into ways to curtail excessive drinking. The city has stumbled on what may be a master stroke, and started installing talking deodorizers in bars and restaurants encouraging people to avoid drinking and driving. Cheerful messages suggesting a cab or a sober friend are starting to be heard, with the hopes of adding some humor while getting an effective campaign going. No word on how this will affect people who already have enough problems using public restrooms, or why all of the voices inexplicably sound like George Michael.

Free to Bounce Award
A while back, there was a report about a costumed Disney character running afoul of a family, due to a videotaped that seemed to show the actor hitting one of the children. Well, thankfully for Tigger, charges won't be filed in the case, according to the Florida State Attorney's Office. Of course, the altercation wasn't observed until the tape was watched, and the tape did sort of make the whole thing look like an accident. In an unrelated story, hordes of costumed actors are planning on storming state and county fairs, armed only with their bare hands and sour whiskey breath.

Um, Ew Award
An 84-year-old woman in Oregon recently confessed to having had sex with an 11-year-old boy while he was in her care. The woman will serve 36-months in prison, and be forced to register as a sex offender, as well as pay for both counseling and damages for the boy. Meanwhile the boy will need to find the most attractive man or woman on the planet (dependent upon sexual orientation) to ever find sex enjoyable.

Okay, yeah. We probably didn't really need to go and include that last story, but darnit, if our eyes drifted over the headline and we read through everything, we wanted you to be brought into our dirty little corner of the world. With that, we close out another week down here at the CSM. We'll do our part hoping for the best for the poor Oregon boy, and we'll also tilt our glasses back in the hopes that, with a little beer, we can help urge spring along its path. Until next time, stay safe out there.

Killing the buzz

Courtney Cox doesn't seem to really get the promotional machine. True, she was able to parlay her appearance in a Bruce Springsteen video into a career featuring, amongst other things, the recurring role of Gale Weathers in the Scream movies, and the durability of the Friends sitcom. But she took the goodwill generated by such roles and turned it sour, by marrying costar David Arquette (the least-talented and second-least-manly member of the Arquette clan). Then, while Matthew Perry was proving that he can actually act outside of the Chandler Bing box, admittedly on the worst-for-Sorkin Studio 60, little Monica Gellar has decided to gift us with the show Dirt.

You may not be familiar with Dirt, and not just because it's playing on FX. The show saw a bunch of hype leading up to it, but has failed to find a viewership, seemingly in large part to the notion of celebrities who've made their distaste for the tabloids clear trying to present a show about the tabloid industry. But there could be another reason why Dirt can't seem to gather the viewers that Cox and others hope it will get. It's possible that Courtney is single-handedly driving people away by derailing the potential hype surrounding the show.

The most glaring example of this, of course, comes in the nature of the upcoming guest appearance by former Friend Jennifer Aniston. It was leaked early on that the episode would show a kiss between Aniston and Cox, something that, understandably, more than a few folks who watched Friends hoped for. Seemingly, the hype around the image of the two actresses kissing would do the work to draw the viewers. It would certainly help wash the thought of the Vaughn fling from our thoughts about Aniston.

But Courtney simply couldn't allow the hype to build. She has come out to say that the kiss is really "not a big deal", but that people should still tune in to watch because of the acting. Um, Courtney, if people were going to tune in to see the acting, they'd have done so already. Adding one more person in a guest role to showcase their talent isn't going to help. Adding someone to increase the sex appeal of your program, especially when your lead apparently has found a way to make masturbation look as dull and mechanical on screen as it must be when you're married to David Arquette, could just do the trick and keep the plug from getting itself pulled.

In other words, Courtney, let a kiss be a kiss. And, in the minds of potential viewers, that kiss between you and Aniston could have produced more than sparks. Make amends, and bring Lisa Kudrow on as a nymphomaniac bisexual, and we'll talk again.

Educating the masses

Poor Kansas. It's been made the subject of far too many jokes about it's education system over the last few years, and, yes, we're about to get ourselves into that line. But really, when the state made their battles over the teaching of evolution or intelligent design known, they could pretty easily feel themselves being placed into the crosshairs. Ultimately, though, one battle over such a subject really isn't that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things.

What's that, you say? Kansas has just changed their minds again? For the fourth time in eight years?

Okay, they're practically asking for the attention now. While it's true that plenty of people across the country know of Kansas first as the gateway to Oz, and secondly as the homestate of Clark Kent, it's not like the state really needs to go out of its way to get attention. It's pretty enough, and can be important, all while being relatively unassuming. In fact, Kansas kind of fits the movie role of the plain girl that could just be beautiful if she accepted herself (and lost the glasses). Unfortunately, she's busy trying to turn herself into Tara Reid, thereby getting attention, but none of it the right kind.

So please, dear Kansas, take this to heart. You are loved within the United States. You have your own special qualifications, and you're good enough for so many of us. True, Kansas City leaks over into Missouri, but it's not like there's a Missouri City, so you've gotta give them a break. You don't need to try and prove how smart you are, or aren't, every couple of years. So please, let the whole evolution/intelligent design thing go.

After all, you don't want us helping you countdown the New Year for 2008, do you?

Diving into security

First, Douglas Adams makes them out to be the second-most intelligent creatures on the planet, behind white mice. Now, the United States Navy is interested to find out if dolphins can be used for guard duty. Specially trained groups of dolphins and sea lions are possibly going to be released to act as guard portions of the Pacific Northwest, including Kitsap-Bangor Naval Base in Washington state. Of course, this portion of the Pacific Ocean does include storage for about a quarter of all active (and inactive) nuclear weaponry.

The Navy has been working for years to train these marine mammals in colder-than-usual temperatures, and are preparing an environmental impact statement before making a final decision on the feasability of their plan within eighteen months. A previous attempt to utilize dolphins as guards was blocked in 1989, but the Navy feels that the plan should be able to go through this time around.

Of course, people may have difficulty thinking of dolphins or sea lions as guard animals, but that's not to say that they couldn't do such activities. After all, they are both incredibly agile species, with the sea lions even receiving training in using a form of handcuffs. The dolphins are being tapped for their ability to see longer distances. And both species can dive deeper and faster than a rottweiler with a SCUBA tank, without the worries of decompression that the dog may have to face.

Ultimately, the Navy may find it necessary to use dolphins and their kin in place of soldiers as guards. In fact, the Army may need to consider increasing their own usage of dogs, and the Air Force might want to look into training falcons. Not only will this free up soldiers for the ongoing surge in troop numbers overseas, but costs can be trimmed in what the guards are fed.

Besides, wouldn't it be kind of neat to see the dolphins sounding an alarm by doing flips through hoops, "walking" backwards across the water, and then batting a ball high into the air?

The power of the nap

A recent study done watching twenty-three thousand adult Greeks for six years has yielded some interesting results. The results that they discovered? Napping during the week can significantly reduce stress levels, and possibly even lessen the chances of heart failure. Of course, this has already led to employees insisting that they aren't actually asleep at work, but that they are resting their heart. High school students are using a similar tactic, while college students gleefully embrace a nap-centric culture.

While many cultures have incorporated midday breaks to rest for a very long time, these cultures were generally found in warmer climates, where the break was almost necessary. After all, who would, or even could, continue working through the hottest part of the day in a time where air conditioning didn't exist? The midday breaks just became a part of the tradition for many of those cultures.

This recent study could actually encourage more empoyers to embrace the concept of on-the-job naps. The naps need only be as long as a half-hour for there to be an effect, and, for a little bit of time to catch some sleep in the middle of the day, employers may find more refreshed and invigorated employees.

Of course, being a member of the caffeine culture, it seems a little counterintuitive. Sure, naps are great, but wasn't coffee discovered as a way to keep us pushing ourselves beyond the breaking point, just to stay awake? Didn't we discover that there were ways to incorporate caffeine in even more ways in our daily lives, just to stave off sleep for a few more precious minutes?

Although, the more that we here at the CSM think about the concept of naps, the more we realize that plenty of people will need a little afternoon pick-me-up to help get them back on track after their nap is over. While they will take the nap to help their hearts and lower their stress, they'll return to caffeine in the long run, to manage the rest of their day and propel them through the long hours. Perhaps, if this idea takes root, new employees will be greeted with a coffee mug and a pillow on their first day of work, the better to take advantage of both their nap-time, and their caffeine fix.

And, if there's someone who's had too much coffee to take their nap, you could stream episodes of Yes, Dear or Everwood into their cubicles. If either one of those don't fix that temporary insomnia, nothing will.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 5, 2007

The first full week of February has slipped past us, and while good portion of the country is still locked in winter's icy grip, there's been enough news to keep us bubbling, and feeling warm and cozy on the inside. Of course, the CSM being what it is, we're not going to focus on any of that, instead choosing to take our slanted aim at some of the other stories that crossed our line of sight these past few days. So let's get this started, and yes, we're going to be like the rest of the media and start with (seemingly) the biggest story of the week.

Live Fast, Die Young Award

Anyone who picked Anna Nicole Smith in their Celebrity Dead Pool was at least a little psychic. Moving on...

The Breast Intentions Award

The Breast Cancer Society of Canada has recently turned down a few thousand dollars in charitable donations. Why? Because the money was raised by exotic dancers. Although it seems like the perfect way to get men, who generally don't think much about breast cancer unless it affects them personally, to give money to help find a cure. It'd be like male strippers donating some of their tips to an organization researching prostate problems. In related news, the exotic dancers are now considering sending their donation straight to Fredericks of Hollywood, in exchange for new clothes. Others call this "shopping".

Turning the Tables Award
A restaurant in West Belfast was recently awarded £25,000 after a jury found that the Irish News had given them a defamatory review. The paper's review was fairly critical of the restaurant, which the owner claimed as a "hatchet job" that hurt business. The suit was filed because the Irish News had failed to print a retraction or an apology. We here at the CSM haven't seen the review, but we can only imagine that the complaint stemmed from the paper having compared the Belfast restaurant with McDonalds, which is an obviously Scottish name.

What's in A Name Award
How could last Sunday possibly go wrong for Chicago native Scott Wiese? After all, the Chicago Bears fan was so confident in his team that, if the Bears somehow lost, he would change his name to Peyton Manning. Well, lo and behold, Mr. Wiese woke up Monday morning with the knowledge that his days as Scott Wiese were numbered. He has already filed the paperwork to request the name change. On the plus side, there wasn't a similar bet made using the name Englebert Humperdinck.

That's Not Nougat Award
We give this to an unnamed Italian chocolatier, for providing a man in Germany with a surprise in his candy. The man located a finger when he bit into a chocolate, instead of the expected nuts and other potential fillings. The fingertip went unnoticed largely due to the other ingredients in the delicacies. Luckily, or unluckily, the candy wasn't found in America, where the finger would have been mostly ingested prior to discovery. Nevermind the immediate lawsuit, with the defendant pointing with a Snickers bar.

Caffeinated Commentary
Monday, we here at the CSM detailed "sexpresso" shops. Well, as respected (we hope) members of the caffeinated community, we felt that something more really needed to be said about all of this.
Sex and coffee is a combination of two of our favorite things. In fact, both outrank sleeping by a wide margin. Just think of how more readily and freely you would give away your $7.50/day for a latte, if only you could have it served by a fine specimen of your chosen gender. With the amount of money that would be poured into the economy through a larger proliferation of these types of coffee shops, we could filter some of those profits into charitable donations, such as cancer research, or a way to improve the coffee bean itself to produce a higher caffeine content.
So this is a call out to the President. No, not President Bush. I'm speaking of the President of coffee, Howard Schultz. The man who positioned Starbucks into the global machine that it currently is.
We here at the CSM ask this of you, Mr. Schultz. You are the one who can take the torch lit by these scantily clad ladies of the latte, and take it running to new heights, and new levels of impact. Picture, if you will, the Nordic ideals serving coffee in Minnesota, while sultry Southerners deliver the goods in Atlanta. This could rapidly spread across the country, providing a new meaning to the morning pick-me-up.
But that's not all. This could go multinational. There could be Celtic gods and goddesses across the British Isles delivering coffee to the masses, people under revealing furs throughout Siberia, and a carry-over of the geisha tradition in Japan. Not to mention the potential for bringing sexpresso to the Middle East, possibly ending, or at least easing, some of the strife throughout that region.
So Mr. Schultz, we ask this of you. We beg this of you. Don't think just about the bottom line. Think about the potential to make this a big and beautiful caffeinated world. And think about how coffee can bring us all together.
Help us, Howard Schultz. You're our only hope.


Stay safe out there.

In case you were curious

We all know that our jobs are slowly killing us. Leave it to the folks at CareerBuilder.com to come up with a way to show us exactly how that's happening.

Recently, CareerBuilder launched the "Age-O-Matic", which allows you to upload a photo, then answer a humorous survey about your job. As the answer the survey questions, the photo is altered based off the answers provided to include age spots, wrinkles, and other assorted tell-tale signs of aging. You can then take the updated photo and spread it around your office, sharing it with your coworkers, and, for the brave amongst you, your boss.

Now, before everyone gets carried away and sends pictures of themselves aged multiple years on to their fellow wageslaves, let's take a moment to think about the wisdom of using such a device. Sure, it's all meant in fun, but what happens if the picture you create today is a fair representation of how you look in five or ten years? And what happens if the today's image actually looks younger than you do after a few years? Have the people at CareerBuilder thought about the possible repercussions of their "Age-O-Matic"?

Still, such a feature could actually be a lot of fun. Imagine if all industries utilized such software. Actors could use a "Star-O-Matic" to determine how many roles they would need to take at their current level to be able to claim top billing for a movie. There could be an "Arena-O-Matic" for bands looking to sell out the biggest venues. Models could have a "Thin-O-Matic" showing them just how skinny they can be by eating only a few cucumber seeds and drinking water.

And Paris Hilton and the rest of her ilk could use the "Annoy-O-Matic" to determine just how long they can keep showing up and getting people to pay attention. In fact, it seems that Andy Dick and K-Fed have already used the "Annoy-O-Matic", and have twisted it to their own nefarious purposes, thrusting themselves even longer into their own dim spotlights.

Truly, the potential is mind-boggling.

Now that's a porcelain throne

It seems like a scene out of the recent Mike Judge movie Idiocracy, but it could soon be coming to a bathroom near year. Ohio's Roto-Rooter has created a "luxury toilet", and plans to give away their creation through an online contest. The winner will get to install their brand new porcelain throne, complete with gadgets.

But what sorts of gadgets, you may wonder? There's an iPod, an Xbox, an Rfridge (okay, got a little carried away there), a flat-screen television, and a laptop computer. But that's not all. Worried that spending all of your time on the toilet watching television or snacking on the goodies from the refrigerator may lead to health problems? No need to worry, because the Roto-Rooter toilet also includes an exercise cycle-style attachment, to help keep you fit.

Roto-Rooter points out that the average person spends almost a year and a half in the bathroom (and on the toilet) over the course of their lives, and uses that figure to justify their super-john. After all, if you're going to spend that much time anywhere, shouldn't you at least be able to enjoy the time you spend? Creating such a toilet does certainly increase the convenience of the old standby, and makes for a more interesting bathroom experience. But have they looked at the potential downside?

No, not the downside of Dax Sheppard flushing his couch. We're thinking a bit more practical, such as having to explain to your children why daddy spends so much time in the bathroom. Finding your teenage son surfing the internet (for porn) all while "taking care of business". Trying to convince your spouse that sitting on the toilet watching football but peddling away at the exercise cycle constitutes good exercise, especially because it's 3rd and 4 to go, there's 2:15 left in the game, and your team is down by a field goal. Nevermind the fact that eventually, someone's going to have to get up to restock the fridge, so that the toilet can get its own form of "restock".

Do we need a toilet with all of these features? Overall, the answer is no. If we needed it, then you would never see things like Oscar parties, or friends coming over to watch movies. Although, come to think of it, there is a benefit, and one that ABC might want to capitalize on. With the advent of the super-toilet, there would finally be crap associated with TV that didn't immediately bring Jim Belushi to mind.

That's discouraging

A recent poll conducted by Unilever, the company behind brands like Axe, Bertolli, Country Crock, and Dove, sheds some light into the priorities of women. In fact, the study showed that, on average, women would be willing to give up sex for over a year if it meant that they got a new wardrobe, with some even being willing to obstain for three times as long just for the new duds. In fact, over half polled would rather not have sex for a month than lose their favorite shirt.

The study conducted by Unilever also showed that women tend to hold onto their favorite clothes longer than they hold on to their favorite partner, and that the vast majority feel that they can fall in love instantly with clothing. Barely half feel the same way with regards to a potential mate.

Needless to say, this type of report can really burst a lot of guys bubbles, so to speak. After all, what man wants to hear that their girlfriend believes her clothes can make her feel sexier than he can ever hope to? And yet, this should really come as no surprise. After all, the stereotype of the gruff, unsensitive man exists for the same reason all stereotypes exist. Because, on some base level, the stereotypes resonate with some level of truth. Yes, women tend to be more comfortable and more attached to their clothes than to their men, but come on. How often do men really support women in all the ways possible? What man was ever designed to cause feelings of confidence and sexiness without giving too much away? What man can answer without either fear or laughter when asked if those jeans make her butt look big? So no, ladies and gentlemen, the results of this survey should truly surprise nobody.

In a related survey that will remain unpublished, the vast majority of men declared that they would go naked if it ensured that they got sex more often. Sadly for a number of the men surveyed, they've gone without sex for over a year due to a little something we like to call discriminating tastes.

On the part of their well-dressed dates.

Hot coffee

Coffee drinkers in Seattle suburbs are getting more than just a mouthful when they pick up their morning coffee. Plenty are visiting new coffee shops and are getting an eyeful, as well. "Sexpresso" shops are popping up everywhere in the Seattle area, offering a morning pick-me-up in a few different varieties.

With names like Sweet Spot Cafe, Bikini Espresso, and Cowgirl Espresso, these coffee shops feature coffee and espresso drinks served by scantily clad baristas. Even the drinks have gotten renamed to be more sexually suggestive, with new titles like the Sexual Mix or the Wet Dream. And while there's been some community outcry because of these sexy coffee shops, the local Sheriff's Department has made it clear that the girls aren't doing anything inherently illegal, so long as they're covered.

Let's think about this for a split second. While it may not seem like a huge leap in logic to realize that coffee (liquid stimulant) might just mix with sexy servers (physical stimulant), this idea did take some time to come to light. After all, it wasn't really all that long ago that some Hooters locations were having difficulty staying open, and they'd already come pretty close to perfecting the boobs and brew mindset. Of course, their brew was beer, but, well, it's not too much of a step to get to that next level.

Ultimately, it was only a matter of time for someone, unsurprisingly from the Pacific Northwest, to combine the American love affair with coffee shops (just look at places like Starbucks and Caribou Coffee for proof that this affair isn't over yet) with the American love affair with near-nudity. True, these shops employ primarily women at this point, but it seems to be a lot easier to get men to cough up their money to a scantily clad woman than it is to get the opposite pulled. If that weren't true, there'd be more male strip clubs.

So yes, let's combine sex with our coffee. Let's have our scones served up by a buxom barista. Let's have our cappucino, all while watching a girl in a bikini work the steam wand. Let's sincerely hope that none of the girls get confused and decide to hold a "Coffee-Soaked T-Shirt Contest", thereby sending themselves to the emergency room. Let's take heart that, only in America, will our coffee by served hot by a barista who makes it look cool.

And, for the love of all that's holy, let's not ask for room for cream. That's just asking for trouble.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 29, 2007

Another week has come and gone, and things have certainly been interesting. From Joe Biden to Harry Potter, there's been plenty of news out there to keep the world busy. So, without further ado, we begin our weekly round-up of awards.

More Than Just Yellow Snow Award
Snowfalls in Siberia don't tend to cause much of a stir. However, when the snowfall in question is coming in bright orange and yellow, there's a bit more reason for people to be concerned. The snow is not only oddly colored, but it is also oily and has a foul smell. As a point of note, this phenomenon could lead to the worst tasting Sno-Cone ever.

Here are the Nominees for President Award
This award goes to Al Gore, who is in the middle of speculations that he may enter the Presidential race if his film, An Inconvenient Truth, wins an Oscar for Best Documentary. Even his former campaign chief seems to be hoping for that chance, and implied such to a recent audience. Oddly enough, she also said that she would prefer to see Barack Obama receive the nomination. Perhaps not even a little gold statue can make Al Gore seem less stiff in comparison.

An Animal Predicts the Weather Award
Yes, it's Groundhog Day across the United States. That, of course, means that the biggest celebrity of the day is a small mammal named Phil. Phil, the groundhog meteorologist, failed to see his shadow this morning, thereby predicting an early end to winter. This flies in the face of calendars across the country that steadfastly proclaim that spring will not start until mid-March. Meanwhile, trained meteorologists are still having a difficult time trying to predict accurately whether or not snow is falling at this very moment.

Don't Drink That Award
Hospitalized patients. Prison inmates. What do these two things have in common? Well, according to letters written into the New England Journal of Medicine, members of both groups have recently become intoxicated, and potentially poisoned, by drinking hand sanitizer gel, simply becaus of the ingredient of alchohol. Doctors are now warning against drinking the gels, because of the health risks involved, and are encouraging the manufacturers to change the labels mentioning the percentage of isopropyl alchohol used. Normal people should be at no risk of drinking these products due to their ability to know that you should never drink something that is in a gel format.

Not the Bomb Part One Award
We give this award to Google, for finally dismantling the "GoogleBombs". These prank search results led to Russians finding Vladimir Putin as an "enemy of the people", and French military victories being relabled as defeats. It also means that, in the United States, entering "miserable failure" into Google will no longer bring up the biography of President GDub. Unfortunately for the Decider, entering "miserable failure" into the mind of most Americans will still bring the immediate connection to the Commander in Chief.

Like, Whoa, Man Award
This award goes to scientists in Great Britain, who are working to isolate a chemical found in cannabis that may help curb appetites. This, of course, is contrary to the common knowledge that marijuana usage leads to increased hunger. Stoners worldwide could not be reached for comment, presumably because they were out at the gas station picking up Doritos.

Not the Bomb Part Two Award
Finally, we hand this award directly to the people behind the marketing campaign for Adult Swim that shut down Boston. While it may seem that peppering cities with Lite-Brite renditions of characters from the Aqua Teen Hunger Force cartoon may seem like a non-event, the placement of the ads (and the lack of information for those unfamiliar with the show) led many to believe it was some sort of a bomb scare. The ads were placed in other cities as well, with no reaction similar to the one found in Beantown. Turner Broadcasting, parent company for the Cartoon Network and Adult Swim, has already apologized, and is looking to make amends to the city of Boston. The prime demographic for ATHF could not be reached for comment, presumably because they were out at the gas station picking up Doritos. In related news, Adult Swim is scrapping plans to advertise Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law by dropping eye patches across major cities. No word yet on whether the large number of unfunny overweight men is tied in any way to promotions for ABC's According to Jim.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. Come back next week as we continue our countdown towards the end of winter, and those of us in the northern portion of the country try and find out if all of our fingers and toes still work. Until next time, stay safe out there.

Way (not) to start a run

Senator Joe Biden (D-Delaware) recently announced his intentions to enter the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination. Within days, he may have already put himself out of contention, with nothing but the power of his mouth. Biden, who once said, "You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent," made new headlines by classifying opponent Barack Obama (D-Illinois) as being "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy." Apparently, in the world of Joe Biden, bathing is important for the position of Commander in Chief.

Of course, Biden later expressed regret over "any offense (his) remark in the New York Observer might have caused," but went on to point out that the definition of "clean" he was using was a synonym for "fresh". That still leaves Biden calling Obama the first smart, well-spoken, attractive, and fresh African-American candidate.

While there have definitely been times where Al Sharpton could call into question cleanliness simply because of his hair, I don't think you could ever really say that he, or Jesse Jackson before him were not truly clean. Or articulate. Hell, every once in awhile, I still hear Jesse Jackson in my head saying, "But the patch is not big enough." And he said that in 1988. Also, both Jackson and Sharpton, while maybe a little too eager to jump in on causes that aren't necessarily causes, are intelligent men, and they are at least trying to use their intellect to further the nation.

In the wake of his comments, Biden has made apologies, and also went so far as to say that he had "no doubt that Jesse Jackson and every other black leader... will know exactly what (he) meant." Great. Thanks, Joe. What about the African-Americans who may not have the high profile of Jackson, Moseley Braun, Sharpton or some others? Will they understand? Will they know that you weren't simply in awe of Barack Obama's personal grooming habits?

On a day where Al Franken tosses his name into the hat for a possible Minnesota Senate run, isn't it kind of sad to see the comedian a more serious candidate than the longtime politician?

The changing of the bulb

Regular frequenters to the CSM have probably noticed that we tend to spend a lot of time poking fun at the GOP. However, since they've been in power for so long, and done some truly flabbergasting things, they've painted the bulls-eye on themselves.

But rest assured. With the recent changes in the balance of power, we're starting to see stories from the Democratic party being just as ridiculous, if not more so. A couple of recent bills proposed in California highlight that.

Two different members of the California Assembly are looking to bring a new issue to light. Specifically, Assemblymen Lloyd Levine (D-Van Nuys) and Jared Huffman (D-San Rafael) are looking to shed a different light on the state, as they've pieced together bills seeking to outlaw the incandescent light bulb. The bills are both being presented, before being combined into one omnibus package, as ways to facilitate cost- and energy-saving measures on behalf of consumers. Both Levine and Huffman feel that forcing Californians to use fluorescent bulbs by law could go a long way towards both helping the consumer's bottom line, and helping the environment. Meanwhile, across the aisle, California State Senator George Runner (R-Lancaster) is already feeling that the proposed bills are forms of "nanny government", with legislation being made to dictate day-to-day life.

It's actually pretty hard not to see Runner's point, and that's not because of a lack of sufficient lighting. Passing a law to ban the incandescent light bulb in favor of fluorescent light bulbs, while being pitched as a way to phase out "a technology that's obsolete", according to Mark Murray of Californians Against Waste, could be seen as government stepping into the more mundane aspects of life in an attempt to control simple day-to-day functions. Nevermind the point that Runner's already made about the iconic image for when someone's had an idea.

But overall, banning incandescent bulbs seems like something of an empty gesture, and a piece of fluff legislation simply to get a couple of people's names out in the public. What's next? Is the state of Wisconsin going to try to ban a certain type of cheese, because it isn't produced with the newest technology? Will Washington state ban old computer components, forcing people to upgrade their systems because it's better for them? Will New Jersey enact legislation to produce a higher quality of pollution and waste?

Of course, we could just be jumping the gun. This is happening in California. It might not be that long before a group of celebrities bands together to form the group, "How Many Stars Does it Take to Keep the Light Bulb the Same?". Now that K-Fed has turned down a free $25M, he should be available.

Where the church has no name

Are you wandering through the tangled roads of faith, unable to find your path? Do you know what you're looking for in religion, but it just seems out of your reach? Are hymns just a little too outdated for you? Perhaps you should try the Church of England, which is about to bring a new type of communion service to the world. For those who are looking for a modern kick to their spiritual search, the Church of England will be presenting the first ever "U2-charist".

That's right. In the town of Lincoln, during the month of May, a live band will perform U2 songs during a church service as a way to use rock music to help facilitate the religious experience. The church is even going so far as to rearrange the seating so that there is both a dance floor, and plenty of space to wave your hands in exaltation. Lyrics will be displayed, and Bono will be moved one step closer to his ultimate dream of fronting the angelic choirs.

Placing U2 music into a Church of England service could actually be a step into an entirely new direction for religion as a whole. Imagine the ability to set your Methodist service to the music of the Police, placing Matisyahu in a Jewish synagogue, or having a Hindu prayer meeting accompanied by the sounds of the Beatles. But that's not all. You can even extend the reach outside of the more accepted religions. Nature lovers could hold a ritual to the music of Phish. Marilyn Manson or Korn could kick off a Satanic rite. And Lutherans could listen to musicians like Michael McDonald.

We're on the verge of a brave new world, and perhaps, with music, we can finally help to break down the intolerance that has spurred on religious debates throughout history. Or we can use this as fuel for the fire, as each religion now has the right to not only proclaim that their version of God is better than everyone elses, but that they've got better music to listen to on the voyage.

Running to stand still indeed.

It's about the jeans

The world continues to get more and more confusing every day. On one hand, we've got the President of the United States continuing his cowboy diplomacy, by threatening a strong response to Iran if they continue any sort of military action towards Iraq, with the message seemingly being, "You aren't allowed to come over to our sandbox." One the other hand, we've got Barbaro, last year's favorite for the Triple Crown before a devastating leg injury, finally succumbing to the various injuries and ailments and being sent to the great pasture in the sky. All the while, underneath us (or slightly behind us, depending on whether you're sitting or standing), we've got a formerly powerful company seemingly suing every one of its competitors in an attempt to remain viable in the market.

That's right, folks. Levi Strauss is suing other jean manufacturers over potential trademark infringements related to the design on their back pockets. What design, you may ask? Why, the interlocking arches and the fashionable little tag saying "Levi's". It is those specific elements that the jeans company is trying, and succeeding, in suing it's competitors for, in an attempt to keep themselves afloat at $30/pair, while other jeans are being sold for upwards of $200/pair.

Levi's has, of course, won a few of these cases, or at least had them settled out of court, but the fact that the former world leader in denim has stooped to this has to bring to question whether or not the society itself is simply too litigious. Sure, you could point out the large numbers of frivolous or stupid lawsuits being collected all over the internet as proof, but do you really need more proof than the notion of Levi's suing over the design of its back pocket?

I mean, honestly, when you look at the back pockets of someone's jeans, are you really noticing the design? Or are you trying to discern what's underneath, or, in some instances, wishing that there was just a little more denim to cover what's already gone beyond the levels of good taste?

After all, for the majority of Americans, when they think of interlocking arches, they aren't thinking Levi's. They're thinking McDonald's.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 22, 2007

Well folks, another week has come and gone. This week, of course, featured GDub delivering a rousing State of the Union address. Don't believe us, just ask John McCain. But that wasn't all that happened, so let's get these awards started.

Where Supergroups Have Gone Before Award
Bush decided to unleash his follow-up to his tune, "I'm the Decider" with a similarly themed, "I am the Decision Maker". At this rate, it should only take the President a few more speeches before he can release his own concept album. Unfortunately, the title "Operation: Mindcrime" has already been taken.

Like a Cockroach Award
Sure, winning means never having to say you're sorry, but losing, at least for a seat in Congress, means never having to leave Congress, because you've still got floor rights. And Katherine Harris used those to the fullest extent during the SotU, passing out business cards. She may also have thrown a couple of catty comments towards Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). As for what the cards said, our guess is: Katherine Harris, former US Representative, will work for food.

That'll Show Them Award
Spain has followed up last year's banning of extremely thin fashion models by declaring that mannequins in shop windows should be at least a size 10. The Spanish health ministy even plans on measuring women between the ages of 12 and 70 to determine the actual shape of a Spanish woman. The mannequins have come out saying that they simply have very fast metabolisms.

We Attack, You Decide Award
This award goes out to FOXNews host John Gibson. After the "story" about Barack Obama having attended a madrassa when he was young was debunked by CNN, Gibson attacked the rival network. Specifically, he attacked the reporter who shot the FNC report down, by saying that the reporter "probably went to the very madrassa". In all fairness, Gibson probably feels that Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh were being a "little soft" on the Obama angle. FOXNews has responded by giving Gibson his own show, "When Right-Wing Zealots Report".

We Play Softball, You Decide Award
In fairness, FOXNews isn't always hard-hitting and mean-spirited. For example, there was the recent discussion on Your World with Neil Cavuto, which took the initiative to present the rough and tumble world of Hooters waitresses. Not only did the girls interview about their jobs and new Hooters calendar, but they talked about the issues, including the recent news about Miss New Jersey stepping down due to pregnancy. When asked about the story, most viewers responded with, "Hehehe... boobies...."

A Little Lunch Award
This award has to go out to the 23-foot python recently found in Kuala Lumpur after it had gorged itself on at least 11 guard dogs. The dogs were posted around an orchard, and the snake made short work of them before it was captured and turned over to wildlife officials. When asked why, the snake was quoted as saying, "It was weird. I just got hungry again every half-hour."

Too Good to Be True Award
We hand this out Dr. Robert Bohannon, a molecular scientist in Durham, NC. Dr. Bohannon has found a way to inject caffeine into pastries, thereby creating the world's first caffeinated doughnut. Coffee fiends around the world are already starting to rejoice, and the product isn't available for sale as of yet. Expect to find the pastries everywhere breakfast and coffee can be combined, so, um, everywhere.

And with the thoughts of coffee doughnuts, we leave for another week. We'll be back next week to help usher in a new February. Besides, by the next awards posting, we should know how much longer winter's going to stick around. Our guess is that winter will last until March 20th or so... just a hunch. Stay safe out there.

Truth in advertising

With the Super Bowl upcoming, there is already a buzz about what commercials will air, and when. Well, already one of the proposed commercials, for Nationwide Insurance, is running into some harsh criticism. The ad features KFed dreaming about being a rap star, while, in reality, he's working away at a fast food restaurant.

Now we here at the CSM can already spot exactly what's wrong with this particular ad, but first we'll take a moment out to indulge those that are complaining. The claim by the National Restaurant Association claim that the commercial makes working in the restaurant industry seem demeaning, and that advertising as a whole should not "require denigrating another industry". Nationwide, meanwhile, is simply trying to say that the KFed commercial is trying to show how quickly life can change, and how they can help prepare people for those changes. All well and good, really, as both sides have now staked out their particular positions.

Ok, now that we've let the two sides hash things out, we're going to give our own spin to this subject. First off, on the notion that working in a fast food restaurant is somehow demeaning. Well, how good do you think that most of the people who work at McDonald's feel after having spent the day working for that $7/hr ($7.25 if the Dems get their way)? And if they happen to have friends who are able to pull down higher wages? Knowing that fast food restaurants are full of menial labor with low pay is what makes them demeaning, and no commercial aired during the Super Bowl is going to change that.

As far as Nationwide's claim about how fast life will change, well, yes, technically, they're correct. But they aren't telling us anything that any realist could have told us. So congratulations, Nationwide. You can call us "Grasshopper".

From our perspective here, it seems that there is a problem with the commercial, and it's a problem that nobody seems to be paying any attention to. Remember when truth was actually sought after by advertisers? You do? Good.

Now explain to me how there is any truth behind the notion of KFed being competent enough to hold a job at a fast food restaurant.

A touchy-feely State of the Union

Last night, good ol' Decider GDub delivered another rousing State of the Union address to the nation. Highlights of course include people applauding for anything that they felt danced towards their particular party line, and John McCain allegedly catching up on his sleep. But after the speech, as the President was making his rounds through the assembled crowd, we received a new highlight, one that was reminiscent of GDub's exchange with a German Chancellor not too long ago.

We are, of course, referring to the imagery of Michelle Bachmann grabbing onto the President, and refusing to let go until there had been at least one more photo-op, and a quick peck on the cheek. Bachmann, who represents the 6th district of Minnesota, is one of the new representatives to the nation's capitol, and she did it by holding onto a Republican district previously vacated by Mark Kennedy, something that plenty of incumbents nationwide failed to do. Of course, her opponents in the race did pretty much cripple themselves before the election was even in view, but hey, we're not hear to judge that.

What we are here to judge is the groping itself. Not only does the video footage show that Bachmann refused to relinquish her grip on GDub until that final camera flash, but she also interjected herself into the shot, even (seemingly) pushing aside other members of Congress to get closer to the Decider. While she's made it clear that her allegiances are with the White House on all matters, up to and including what breakfast cereal to prefer, one would also have to assume that she has at least some level of intelligence, and therefore would know when to not seem too eager to be connected to the man reviled by more than half the country.

So the question remains as to why Bachmann was so eager for the photo op. And yet, the question can be answered by remembering that Bachmann has definitely posed herself as more of a prom queen contestant than a congresswoman. Unfortunately, Michelle Bachmann has apparently not spent enough time watching those classic movies from the 80's. If she had, she would know that the only way to become prom queen is to be an outcast yourself, not to simply side with the outcast.

Although, jumping so quickly onto the GDub train may end up serving that purpose. And yes, for those playing at home, the Walrus is Paul.

It's a dead heat

This morning, a group of movies were happy to hear that they had been nominated to go after the brass ring of filmdom. That's right, the Academy Award nominees were announced, and Hollywood is buzzing with the news.

Of course, here at the CSM, while we're always going to watch to see what movies will get the little golden statue, we're also interested in the films that reach true levels of bad. The films that step to depths previously unmatched, or at least unmatched for the rest of the year. So while plenty of people have focused on the Oscar news, we've been looking over to see who gets nominated for the Golden Rasberry Awards.

While people who make good films are struggling over what might win the awards for best in many categories, with many pundits saying that too many contests are up in the air, we've looked over the nominees for worsts of the year, and we'll even give our predictions for some of the eventual winners. Because, if Hollywood has taught us nothing, and high school taught us less, we're still aware that there's something blissful about mocking those who have really brought out new levels of awfulness.

Just like the Oscars, we'll start with the smaller awards, and work our way up. First, the nominees for Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment, with some truly golden moments in cinema. While it would be easy to handicap this one towards Garfield 2 (come on, a sequel to an awful film?) or The Santa Clause 3 (a second sequel to an awful film), we're going to pick The Shaggy Dog to take home this one. Sure, sequels are often bad news, but how can you go against a remake of an awful film.

We move on to the Worst Supporting categories, with our prediction that Kate Bosworth's horrible and non-maternal Lois Lane beating out both Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Elektra. On the men's side of things, we think the award will land with Martin Short easily beating out Danny DeVito for true awfulness. Because, dammit, his Jack Frost paired with Tim Allen's Santa should get noticed for something, other than driving people away from theatres.

When it comes to the Worst Actor/Actress categories, things get a little interesting. The nominations were all strong in their various levels of awfulness, so it's kind of difficult to pick any particular horse. And while Kristanna Loken did have to work with Uwe Boll, she's still no Jessica Simpson. But we wouldn't be surprised to see the Duff sisters tie for this one. As for the men, can there really be anyone worse than Larry the Cable Guy? In anything? Not even the Wayans should be able to edge him out here.

But that doesn't mean you can count the Wayans out. After all, they are up for Worst Movie, with Little Man. Sure, they've got to compete against Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne, Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct 2, and Nic Cage's Wicker Man, but there are few crimes against humanity worse than making an unfunny comedy. That reason alone gives Little Man our pick for absolute worst film of the year, and our favorite to take home the Razzie.

That's pretty much it, and, well, looking at the awards the Razzies give out, we're starting to wonder why the Oscars make a point of handing out awards for everything, including Best Makeup Artist Working in a Non-Period, Non-Fantasy Film. If only we could get the Razzies televised. Any celebrities that would show up would definitely need to be drunker than they were during the Golden Globes, or they would be David Arquette.

Now that's dedication

We normally don't spend too much time around the sporting world here at the CSM. Truthfully, a lot of that has to do with the fact that we're busy wading through all the other completely ridiculous events in the world to try and bring our focus down to a place where insanity is commonplace (yes, we look at Hollywood, but shhhh). The rest of it has to do with the knowledge that we just don't have the type of dedication required to cover ourselves with paint and refuse to wear jackets in subzero temperatures to support a team. And well, if you can't go that extra mile on a subject, then it may not be worth digging through the minutae to find those jewels that bring us all so much joy.

And yet, there are times where you simply cannot avoid the sporting world. There are times where things are just too beautiful for words, and other times where you just need to enter the mess, and reach for that brass ring of ridiculousness that not even our government can achieve. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those times, and that means that this is one of those posts.

Let me ask you all a question. Well, okay, just the ladies. If you're pregnant, and the father of your child is a huge sports fan going into a big game for his team, how can you show him that you care, and that you're willing to ensure that he doesn't miss the game because you're in the hospital in labor? Well, you could always do what Colleen Pavelka did, and have your labor induced.

Yes, you read correctly. She induced labor because her husband had tickets to see the NFC championship game between the Chicago Bears and the New Orleans Saints, and she didn't want him to have to miss it because she was giving birth. This display actually shows a genuine affection and care between the two, as she brought a new life into the world early so that he wouldn't miss the game, and he most likely ate a couple more chili dogs because he figured he should eat the ones she couldn't get.

On the plus side, the father should always be able to remember his son's birthday. It will forever be referred to as "Two Days Before the Anniversary of the Bears Beating the Saints for the NFC Championship", or just abbreviated to TDBABBSNFCC. Makes you wonder if Hallmark has a card for that.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 15, 2007

This week started out slowly on the news front, at least in the area of potential to make humor out of the world. Still, the ball eventually got itself rolling, and we find ourselves facing down another Friday. So let's get the Coffee-Soaked Awards under way, shall we?

Which is Lesser Award
Ah, FOXNews, where would we be without your polls? In a recent poll by the cable news channel, GDub is considered to be unfavorable by more Americans than even old kittens-for-breakfast VPCheney. A more disturbing note in the poll is that 2% of the people polled had never heard of either Cheney or Rosie O'Donnell. How could we possibly believe that 2% of people have never heard of Rosie? She's more ubiquitous than McDonalds commercials by now.
Note: The link is to a .pdf file. Be forewarned.

Like We Didn't Know Before Award
Texas Gov. Rick Perry recently began his second term in office, and he kicked everything off with a black-tie affair. The special guest that Perry picked for the party? Ted Nugent, who appeared wearing a Confederate flag t-shirt, with machine guns for props, also unleashed a string of offensive remarks towards non-English speakers. Apparently, the rocker struck a sour note with a number of the people in attendance, and drew the ire of civil rights leaders in the state. In a related story, Ted Nugent is just nuts, but I wouldn't say that within earshot. He's liable to shoot.

Food Fight Award
What could be more important than determining where the hamburger was born? Well, according to Rep. Betty Brown (R-TX), not much, as she's advocating the notion that her hometown of Athens, TX first introduced the sandwich in the 1880's, beating the current "birthplace" of New Haven, CT by almost 20 years. The Library of Congress even sides with New Haven, but Rep. Brown is going to attempt to change all of that with conclusive proof. Meanwhile, Ronald McDonald has been quoted as saying that he simply knew that the hamburger was born out of wedlock, and that it may actually be impossible to determine a place of birth. Mayor McCheese has declined comment.

That's What I Call Art Award
Officials in Amsterdam will be getting to unveil a new statue in their city near the end of March. The statue will depict a woman looking confidently, and will be meant to honor prostitutes worldwide. A second statue, featuring a man with outstretched hand has already been commissioned to honor pimps.

Not the Tonight Show Again Award
A Russian man has recently confessed to the slaying of his grandmother because they couldn't agree on what television program to watch. Sadly, when arrested, the man was drunk and unable to recall what show he preferred. In a related story, "American Idol" premiered this week.

She Wore An... Award
We give this award out to the creators of the burqini, who blended a burqa and a bikini together to make a coverall swimsuit. The suit comes complete with a full hijab head-covering, and there are hopes to widen the appeal outside of Muslim women. Of course, if celebrities embrace the garment, can this possibly mean an end to the flagrant beach-going nipple-slip?

Too Much Truthiness Award
In a shocking turn of events, Bill O'Reilly and Stephen Colbert both guested on each other's shows this week. It had to be fairly disturbing to both hosts, as Colbert has made no attempts to hide the inspiration he has taken from O'Reilly's show. Here's hoping that more newscasters will eventually trade off as guests. Might we even suggest some sort of battle royale, with final guest appearance trade-offs being made by O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann?

New Meaning to "Jack in the Box" Award
Finally, we give this award out to the Missouri man who found himself trapped inside a light-up sign for a Jack in the Box restaurant in Illinois for 6 hours. A total of three different trips were made to finally complete the rescue. Over the course of the ordeal, the repairman spent more time near a Jack in the Box than Nicole Richie has her entire life.

That wraps up another week of the news here at the CSM. We'll be back next week, where we shall endeavor to unveil more of the world around us. At the very least, we'll keep making fun of it all. Stay safe out there.

Something to unthink

It's true that we here at the CSM don't often try to focus too much of our time or writing on celebrities. Sure, we'll take our potshots every once in awhile, like our dig yesterday at Tara Reid. But we could've been so much worse. We could've railed against Britney Spears for possibly being pregnant again. We could take part of our time to mention how Lindsey Lohan has thrown herself into rehab. We could focus our attentions on how David Arquette cries himself to sleep at night, knowing that he has to take second billing to Jonathan Silverman. While all of these subjects are definitely good fodder for the gossip blogs out there, and while they are ripe with potential jokes, we here at the CSM would like to think that we're above that. We'd like to pretend that we're more of a political/current events blog that occassionally steps into the wading pool of celebrity commentary because, well, slow news days happen.

And yet, there are some things that make us pause. And then wish that we hadn't paused. And then we're forced to scramble against the notion that our brains are trying to liquify themselves on a combination of scotch and bourbon, enabling their final escape into a world where such thoughts and stories don't exist.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are referring to the notion that Hugh Hefner, that bastion of good taste behind the Playboy enterprise, has made it known that he's toying with the idea of becoming a father. Again. At age 80.

Hef, who has long been able to date women far younger than him (and, in many cases, far younger than his children) due to his status as a publishing icon, is looking at the distinct possibility of fathering a child with 27-year-old Holly Madison. Madison is one of three women Hefner is currently dating, but the November 2005 Playboy covergirl is considered to be Hef's "No. 1".

Which, of course, brings us to the thought that we can't unthink, no matter how hard we try. Somehow for this plan to succeed, Hefner has to impregnate Madison. Sure, there's the possibility that a younger, more virile Hef stored pieces of himself in the past, just in case such a desire for children would raise its head well into his golden years. But, come on. This is the founder of the Playboy empire. We all know he's going to at least try and go out like Ron Jeremy on this one.

This could be one of the first documented times in history where a child's father has died mid-conception.

I need to bleach my brain now.

Five more minutes to go

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists have had a big task set before them for the last 60 years, and they have once again stood up to that task. Their job? To set the hands on the Doomsday Clock, originally set in 1945 at seven minutes to midnight, to symbolize just how far away from a potential armageddon-type catastrophe the world really is.

And here, in 2007, the scientists have done just that, by moving the clock forward to five minutes to midnight, in response to growing nuclear concerns from Iran and North Korea, and the state of the environment. This was the first change to the clock in five years, and the eighteenth change overall, with times ranging from as close as two minutes away in 1953 to seventeen minutes away in 1991. By changing the time left on the clock, the scientists hope to draw attention to the global environment that is leading them to believe that our time on this planet is drawing ever closer to an end.

Unfortunately, people in positions of power worldwide have shown an overall disregard for the findings of respected scientists, especially when catastrophic events are being predicted. After all, look at all of the attempts to reverse global warming, or to establish diplomatic relations with other nations holding the capability for nuclear weaponry. What this all means, at least for the bulletin, is that the Doomsday Clock may be getting inched closer and closer to midnight over the next few years.

The one thing we can look forward to is that, with our society's joy at seeing and/or hearing a countdown, if we reach one minute to midnight, there may just be a live broadcast, complete with bands, Ryan Seacrest, and corporate sponsorship. And hey, if we can just get Tara Reid to do the actual counting for us, the world may never come to an end.

Fool me twice

Well, it looks like this year's White House Correspondents Dinner will be a much safer event this year than last. In the wake of Stephen Colbert's biting (and yet, still very funny and on-point) hosting duties from 2006, the 2007 dinner has set its sights on another high profile comedian.

Well, maybe we should amend our statement by saying that the dinner has set its sights on a comedian who had a high profile in 1987. Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the 2007 WHCD is: Rich Little.

I know, many of you out there must be asking yourself the same question. "Is Rich Little still alive and performing?" Well, apparently we all failed that particular portion of our very own Celebrity Dead Pool, because I sure thought he'd at the very least killed his career. I mean, how far can a guy really get on impressions? Apparently, he can get invited to speak to journalists.

For the Correspondents Dinner, this is a look to the future. A future where they will forge ahead without the types of responses that Stephen Colbert generated. A future where they are trying to play everything a bit safer, and less antagonistic towards the job that they are (or at least should be) doing. A future that resembles the compassion and well-wishes of 1984. Which, coincidentally, is the previous time that Little was considered a viable name and hosted the WHCD.

So yes, America, this year we can rest easy that there shall be no statements about "rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenberg", or any of the other jokes that Colbert made at the administration's expense. Instead, we can look forward to how one man can give us an aural tour of the past few Presidents, with jokes that make Leno seem fresh.

Does this mean that 2008 will feature Rich Hall and "Sniglets"?

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of 8 January 2007

Welcome back to another rousing round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. We're feeling the good ol' 2007 groove, and we're jumping in with both feet. Sure, we could take some time out to mention the whole sordid Cameron Diaz-Justin Timberlake-Scarlett Johansson thing, but we'd like to think that we're above giving them more press than they need. So let's get rolling, shall we?

Maybe it's Softball Award
This award goes to Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's Hardball. At the end of an interview with Tony Snowjob, Matthews declared Snowjob the "best press secretary since Jim Haggerty", press secretay to Pres. Eisenhower. This should come as no surprise, given that Matthews has also recently declared Tony Snow the best name for a press secretary since Jim Haggerty, and that Cookie Crisp is the best breakfast cereal since Jim Haggerty.

When Deciders Decide Award
We give this award to a recent CBS poll that showed that 68 percent of the American people surveyed are uneasy about GDub's ability to make decisions, especially with regards to the Iraq war. To be fair, approximately 64 percent of the American people are uneasy about GDub's ability to put his pants on before his shoes.

Visiting the Midway Award
Even as the applications were in place to the Guinness Book of World Records, officials in Shanghai decided to scrap plans for building the world's largest Ferris wheel, instead deciding to drop a skyscraper in its place. This does allow Jiangxi to still hold hope that their slightly smaller Ferris wheel will be able to pull down the title. In preparation for potentially setting the record, people in Jiangxi are planning to knock down a skyscraper, to make the world's longest Skee-Ball court.

Well, Duh Award
During some downtime between recent interviews, Condoleeza Rice let her preference for news be known, with an unabashed love for FOXNews. Yeah, this is about as shocking as news that Al Franken is a liberal, Bill O'Reilly loves himself, and Janet Reno is now working as a professional wrestler.

We're Still Calling it Soccer Award
So what do you get when you take a Los Angeles sports team, mix it with a internationally celebrated athlete, and then flush a whole bunch of money down the toilet? Other than Shaquille O'Neal during his stint as a Laker? You get David Beckham joining the Galaxy for $250M. You can almost feel as people become slightly apathetic, figuring that soccer will tide them over during the dark month between football and baseball seasons.

Crossing a Line Award
With the battle raging over which format comes out on top, many people are joining the Sony bandwagon, and are willing to start declaring Blu-Ray DVDs as the victors over the other new format, HD DVD. But wait, Sony may have a high-powered opponent, as the porn industry has chosen to side with HD DVD. This thinking is mostly prompted by the fact that HD DVD is more affordable, especially for smaller companies. However, the decision was also made when stars of such titles as Itty Bitty Bang Bang or Shaving Ryan's Privates stated that they didn't want to be seen in blue light.

Patting Our Own Back Award
A few months back, we mentioned that there was an opera being written for Bill O'Reilly, and his loofah-loving antics towards his producer. Then we discovered that we're listed on the press page for the show. It runs this weekend, so hurry! Buy as many tickets as possible! Extend our moment of glory!

Ok... perhaps we got a little too excited with that last bit. Maybe the time has come for us to rest for awhile. Enjoy your MLK weekend, everyone, and remember that we here at the CSM will be waiting for you when we all get back. Until then, stay safe out there.

New meaning to the term "floater"

Have you ever sat on the toilet and wished for sentient life directly behind you? Have you ever bowed down for a technicolor yawn, only to hope that you could have something lively and swimming before your eyes, should you be able to look outside of the bowl? Have you ever thought that it would be nice if you didn't have to carry a dead goldfish all the way from the living room towards its final trip?

Well, now you can, and all for the low cost of $299. That's right, you can now have a Fish 'n Flush (which sounds like some sort of weird ice-fishing activity) installed in your home, and you can rest easy knowing that the actual aquarium water is not mingling with the toilet water.

Sadly enough, this is a serious product, and one that will certainly see more than a few purchases over the years. Although it really does seem like something of a bad idea. What happens if you don't clean the fish tank often enough? Well, now you've got a toilet with a lovely algae display, and possibly the knowledge that Goldie just isn't going to make it as long as you were hoping. And nevermind for those nights where you're ill. The last thing you need when your head is already spinning and your stomach is swirling is to look into a tank and see a school of cardinal tetras zipping around.

Although there are a couple of potential benefits to this idea. The first benefit being that, should you have company over, they probably aren't going to want to spend too much time in your bathroom, because of the disconcerting effect of a fishtank toilet tank. And the second benefit? You finally have something to match your fishtank shoes.

When arachnids attack

Last year, it seemed like everywhere you went on the internet, you were forced to deal with press about how amazing the film Snakes on a Plane was going to end up being. When the movie actually opened, the internet's hype machine fizzled out, and the movie was met with lackluster audiences, and plenty of critics trashing it. It seemed that the hype had brought people's expectations about the film to feverish levels, when all the film really promised to do was to present you with Samuel L. Jackson, snakes, and a plane. The only thing missing from the B-movie recipe was an appearance from Bruce Campbell.

Now, it seems that reality has decided that we need a sequel to SoaP, but this time we aren't being given cute and cuddly serpents as the adversaries of people on planes. Oh no, this time we're facing arachnids with a sharp sting. And the best part is, we won't even need to change the acronym, because, instead of snakes, people are being attacked by scorpions.

Two different flights. Two passengers. Two scorpion stings, resulting in the passengers mentioning that it felt like their legs were asleep, but for the sharp stings. And, in both cases, the scorpions were castaways, with one being from Texas and the other from Costa Rica.

True, there hasn't been any word about a movie being greenlit to capitalize on these events, but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. After all, the producers will always be able to say that the film was inspired by true events. And the prospective audience will already be able to speak one line with the star of the film; "I want these motherf*****g scorpions off this motherf*****g plane!"

It's really too bad that the potential stars for such a film would be Ice Cube or David Arquette. But such is the fickle finger of fate.

Them's fightin' words

Geraldo Rivera, the man, and the legend. Only Rivera could have brought us to Al Capone's vault. Only Geraldo could have taught us about the dangers posed to unbroken noses by guests of television talk shows. And only GR could draw such an exquisite map in the sand, leading to his eventual Iraq war reporting being done from Kuwait.

And yet, this television deity, this beacon of all that led to Jerry Springer, this man amongst other deluded and self-aggrandizing men has stepped into a new realm, even for him. He has let the world know that he is prepared to fight Keith Olbermann, to prove which of the two is the most deserving of their journalistic legacy. And the man who vowed to shave his moustache should Michael Jackson be found guilty even goes so far as to believe that he would "make a pizza out of [Olbermann]".

Perhaps this is all due to the added stress Mr. Rivera must be facing, due to having been informed that he is being bumped back to his seldom-watched timeslot on FOXNews, largely due to the cancellation of his even more seldom-watched syndicated program. Perhaps Geraldo is still reeling from the reporting on his sand map, which he naturally feels was excessive. It's even possible that GR is still unbalanced by the blow that broke his nose all those years ago. But Geraldo seems to be missing a few key facts. Fact 1: Keith Olbermann is younger by over ten years. Fact 2: Pizza is actually a doughy product, with (commonly) a tomato paste sauce, not something you can turn a person into. And fact 3: If you actually go so far as to turn a person into a pizza, you could soon be facing criminal charges.

We understand, Geraldo. We feel your pain, the pain of cancellation, and the pain of knowing that once again you must share a network with Neil Cavuto and Bill O'Reilly. But look at it this way, Geraldo. By landing on FOXNews, you can use their penchant for truth and fact-checking to your benefit, and thereby declare yourself the victor of a fight that will never happen.

If NASA did it

There has been discussion within the scientific community for decades as to whether or not life on Mars exists. The debate was theoretically put to rest in the 1970s, when the Viking space probes came back with no evidence of life on the red planet.

Now, Dirk Schulze-Makuch, a geology professor at Washington State University, believes that not only did NASA find life, but, because it wasn't a form of life that they were expecting, that they killed it.

Dr. Schulze-Makuch firmly believes that there is a potential for hydrogen-peroxide based life on Mars, life that could survive the climate of the planet. NASA is even looking at the research of the professor and considering how this will impact their upcoming Mars exploration, set to launch later this year.

While this could lead to a new era of exploration, and possibly even lead to huge achievements in the area of space exploration and potential colonization, there is one large element that is being passed over; an element that has been overlooked for the last thirty years. With the recent speculation by Dr. Schulze-Makuch, it seems apparent that there is at least a fair chance that the Viking probes of the 1970s were guilty of a horrible crime. A crime that was left unsolved over the decades, and should carry with it a punishment deemed appropriate. A crime of murder most foul.

Oh, if only the Viking probes can find spunky Martian lawyers, who will be able to prove to the Martian jury that their childlike ignorance of how life on Mars works prevents them from being held responsible for their actions, perhaps even pushing for some sort of insanity plea. Then, and only then, can we live in a world where the probes can make amends for their mistakes, while working in a Martian soup kitchen.

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 1, 2007

As befits the beginning to a new year, this past week has been one for the ages, with new predictions, new falls from grace, new candies purchased from the store. Well, okay, maybe not that last one, but that's only because we have a very strict diet for our candies, and we do insist on sticking to it. But still, this past week has been a pretty interesting one, and let's just take our weekly trip down Awards Lane, and see where they bring us.

Happy F'in New Year To You Award
So many different problems surrounded celebrities around their New Year's festivities this particular year. You've got Vanessa Minillo swearing on MTV, Britney Spears "nodding off", and Tara Reid proving that math, specifically counting, is still just out of her reach. Even Dick Clark had problems, but his have a medical basis. Either way, we're obviously only a few years away from Carson Daly's New Year's Eve with actual sex taking place, and starlets who believe that W is between 7 and 9.

Too Late for a Drive-Thru Award
Customers on subways in NYC are used to having delays. What they may not be used to are delays caused by people fainting, due to having skipped meals. Specifically, these meal skippers are the people who are trying to squeeze into that ever smaller size to achieve a ridiculously unhealthy "ideal" body type. Just another thing to make New Yorkers grumpy on their way to work, adding to a list that already includes not enough coffee, having slept poorly the night before, the cost, and being a New Yorker.

Or Forever Hold Their Peace Award
We have to give this to an official in Vienna, Austria, who decided to end a wedding ceremony after the bride jokingly said that she did not want to marry her groom. The official even forced the couple to wait almost three months before allowing them to try again. One question still looms; where was this guy for the Spears/Federline wedding?

Art in the Human Form Award
You've got to hand it to people of Norway, who had an appeals court uphold a decision that stripping is considered art, and therefore not subject to a value-added tax. Finance Minister Kristen Halvorsen, who is still thinking of rewriting the laws to garner federal revenue, has been described as "a total buzzkill". She could probably change that perception by stripping.

My Candidate Can Beat Your Candidate Award
Nigerian politics certainly has taken a strange turn when Umaru Yar'Adua has been forced to challenge potential opponents to a game of squash, due to concerns about his health and ability to govern. Yar'Adua, who has a kidney condition, is feared to merely be a puppet for current President Olusegun Obasanjo. Meanwhile, VPCheney has recently challenged those who question him to a hunting trip.

Guilty of Higher Ratings Award
We give this award to Nancy Grace, of Headline News, for helping to boost the network to higher and higher ratings, largely due to the confrontational style of her program. After all, this is the woman who was sued because an interview she conducted may have directly led to a suicide... of the interviewee. Grace has been known in the past to drive a point that she believes, regardless of evidence pointing any other way, until her guests have succumbed to her hellfire tactics. With the news of her ratings surge, expect Grace to push the envelope even further, hoping to outshine even Bill O'Reilly when it comes to using false information for personal gain.

There is Hope Award
Even though the hanging of Saddam Hussein was captured on a cell-phone camera, and then spread throughout the world (first on YouTube, then on your local news), there is still some hope that not all video-taped death scenes will be showcased. News out of Australia is that the authorities in charge of the Steve Irwin death investigation have released the original recording back to Irwin's wife, and then destroyed all other copies. Somewhere out there, a Crocodile Hunter approves, and the public has been spared.

Well, that wraps up another week here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind. We'll be back next week with more news, more stories, more awards, and, we assume, more internal organs than Lindsey Lohan. We'll see you on the flip side of the weekend, and, until then, stay safe out there.

Replacement for catnip?

The Bank of Queensland had to issue an apology after making a mistake, all because of a test that was presented to it. True, the bank failed the test given by Katherine Campbell by issuing a credit card to her cat, but one has to wonder if she truly feels proud because of her clever ruse. She pulled one over on the old Bank of Queensland, and there was certainly egg on their face because of it.

Still, it's not like this is something that's really that far out of the realm of possibility for most diehard pet owners. After all, some pets not only have an entire wardrobe (note to pet owners... they're covered in fur, feathers, or scales as intended, so they certainly don't need sweaters or little booties), some pets have been left as primary beneficiaries in wills, and still others are stuffed so that their owners can hold on to their dear Sugar for their own remaining years.

Then again, if you are going to give any animal a credit card, a cat would be one of the more dangerous pets to give one to. Being naturally self-sufficient, just imagine what kind of damage a cat could do if it could combine its predeliction to go its own way with a relatively high spending limit. And hey, for a cat, $200 would be a high spending limit. Really, the only typical pet that could theoretically cause more damage with a credit card would be a parrot, but that's assuming that they understand how to dial a telephone and shop at home. Woe be to those who let their African Greys watch QVC.

So yes, the Bank of Queensland issued a credit card to a cat, then cancelled the card and issued an apology. At least they had the presence of mind to apologize, and they didn't make a worse mistake. Like issuing a credit card to GDub. Who knows what he might do without restraint?

A change of pace

He hasn't even announced himself as a candidate for President in 2008 yet, but people are already looking even more closely at his past actions than they had before. Maybe it's because he seems to be a favorite for the Democratic candidacy. Maybe it's because of the almost meteoric rise he has shown on a national level. And then again, maybe it's because of a memoir he wrote over a decade ago; a memoir wherein he admits to having experimented with drugs, including cocaine.

This is what will set apart the campaign of Barack Obama, should he decide to run for office.

Of course, the Dems are already planning on covering their heads and tucking their tails. They seem to feel that Obama making these admissions, admissions that so many candidates have avoided stepping near in the past, will damage his chances at the Presidency. Obama himself is refreshingly honest about the whole thing, acknowledging that the incidents were part of his past, and that it's up to the voters to decide how that colors his future.

But honestly, is this admission such a bad thing? It's not like he admitted to having snorted coke off of the corpse of a two-dollar hooker. It's not like he's saying he went on a Robert Downey Jr.-esque binge, barely surfacing for long enough to realize that Howard the Duck was an awful film. And it's certainly not like he's still running around, doing lines of coke while drinking to excess. The man's a US Senator, for crying out loud, not Paris Hilton.

Ultimately, Obama's admissions about his past will influence his possible candidacy in one way, the negative campaign ad. But really, how can you attack someone who already admitted to having used cocaine? It's not like the Republicans can send any with similar life experience to the ballots against him, in an attempt to equal the candidness. Their guy will be finishing his second term.

Bringing in the New Year

Well folks, here we are at the beginning of 2007, and we're ready for a full year worth of the little experiment we started in 2006. Sure, we've gotten our legs under us, and we're still adjusting the fast-paced world of blogging, but we're pretty certain we can adjust on the fly as new elements are thrown our way. Heck, we even made our seal a little more visible. Of course, the last week has gotten us to do some serious thinking, as any year end festivity should, and we've realized something. We may have fulfilled our blog-ligation by posting Top Ten lists to round out the year, but we forgot something even more sacred in this modern world.

We forgot to relate our New Year's Resolutions. And, well, we've got resolve. We've got plenty of resolve, both for things that we're going to continue to do and for things that we're hoping to change. But instead of boring you with our resolutions, we're simply going to keep them in our little noggins, pondering them for endless hours, and trusting that you'll be able to guess at our resolutions over the course of the next twelve months, just by reading what we have to offer. Of course, if you can think of anything we should resolve to do, feel free to let us know.

With that, we will quickly point out that, no matter how silly the world may seem, especially to those of us looking for comedy in every aspect of the world, nothing will ever be quite as silly as holding a protest against the coming year. I mean, think about it. Protesting the inevitable march of time as it bears down on you, and then vowing to protest again over (almost) the same subject in one year's time? You could certainly do worse, like protesting against more reality television, or more has-been actors being granted sitcom stardom. Much like time, these things are also inevitable.

But we here at the CSM like to think outside of the box, and instead of focusing on other futile protest possibilities, we want to offer solutions. We want to list possible subjects that you could protest on that would have a higher chance of success. Our suggestions, in no specific order, are as follows;

- Protest about the lack of really good cheese in the cafeteria
- An assembly to protest against people who don't share your preference of shoe
- Protesting to get "Lost" to finally get with the program that made them successful in the first place
- Organizing a protest to get custody of your kids, set to the tune of "Popazao" (warning; suggestion is KFed specific)
- Protesting about the lack of quality protests in your area.

Honestly, the list can go on and on, but we've got signs and placards to make. We'll see you tomorrow, with more news. We hope.