Friday, November 20, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 16, 2009

Fridays tend to sneak up on us, even when it feels like we've been stuck in the longest week ever. But that's alright, because we've got awards to hand out. After all, it keeps us on our toes, and allows us to refocus before the weekend. So let's get down to business.

I Feel Pretty Award
It seems like every once in awhile, we'll find a story about a burglar who does things their own way. This particular time, their own way apparently involves stealing clothes from their neighbor, and attempting to wear them in the process. Notably, the man was found wearing just some of his neighbor's undergarments while digging through her laundry. Obviously he was just trying to find a dress that wouldn't reveal too much of the bra.

How Not to Be Found Award
If you're trying to keep a low profile, we suggest not driving a car with your last name as the personalized license plate. Unless, of course, your name could be mistaken for something else. Even then, you might want to at least consider adding a couple of numbers or something.

The Camera Adds Twenty Pounds, Removes Disabilities Award
How can you be sure that you'll continue receiving disability payments, or at least be able to keep the ones you've already received? Kind of like when you're on the run from the police, you should keep a low profile. Appearing on a television show doesn't really help to that end. Unless, of course, your disability is a crippling addiction to the craft services table.

Yahtzee! Award
How many of you have played a game, found out that it wasn't as exciting as you were hoping, and decided to change rules to spice it up a bit? How many of you have included rules to make the game into a "strip" version? How many have done so with Yahtzee? After a rousing game of "Strip Yahtzee", a woman went off with an ex-boyfriend, got caught by her current boyfriend, and claimed rape, only to later be charged with false informing. Looks like things quickly turned into "Strip Clue".

Anti-Grinch Award
Imagine coming home to discover that your house has been broken into. Now imagine discovering that the crooks didn't steal anything, but instead set up Christmas decorations. No word on whether or not a 6-foot tall man with curly hair and a green costume was seen near the scene.

Give Until It Hurts Award
Good: Setting up a fundraiser to help out victims of a hit-and-run accident. Bad: Siphoning money from said fundraiser. Worst: Using siphoned funds to bail out hit-and-run suspect. Meanwhile, other villains are seen twirling their mustaches and taking notes.

McDefense Award
What's the craziest reasoning someone could come up with when fighting a drunk driving charge? Sure, it might have something do with zombies wearing chicken wings as loincloths, but it might also have to do with being able to convince fast food employees to give you lunch during breakfast hours. Because we all know how much of sticklers those minimum wage earners are for appropriate meal times.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be out next week, overdosing on turkey and more turkey, but we'll see you in December.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 9, 2009

Welcome back for more awards. We're still mulling over what to do Monday-Thursday, but it seems like the awards are here to stay. So sit back and enjoy.

Sexual Emergency Award
We get it. Sometimes, people just need to try and find someone to sleep with. And, well, when you aren't in a committed relationship, it can be difficult to do so, which is often where the booty call comes into play. Just don't call 911 about it, even if you've run out of cell minutes. Seriously, just watch a couple of videos online, or head out to a bar or something. Oh, and if you've already called once, don't think it's a good idea to call again. You got lucky the first time.

Pity Them Award
Did you go to an elite, potentially Ivy League college? No? Then you probably wouldn't understand why they need to have their own variants on the "F My Life" trend. After all, not everyone can truly see the sorrow in "Martini only had two olives, not the three I asked for. FML".

Training Award
How do you prepare your employees for an armed robbery? Why not stage one? While effective, it might have been smarter to wait until the customers were gone. Or, you know, used video and hand-outs.

A Real Doll Award
A woman found a way to cope with her boyfriend having been deployed. She went out and got herself the next best thing, by purchasing a "high class" inflatable boyfriend. No word on whether or not he's just full of hot air, but it has been noticed that he doesn't cook or clean. In many ways, that makes him like just about every other boyfriend in the world.

I Said It Was A Free Kick Award
People get into heated arguments and fist fights over the game of soccer, but it isn't every day that an argument about a soccer match results in a gunshot. It's even less common when the soccer match is on the television. Yes, alcohol was a factor. No, it wasn't what got the men to watch soccer in the first place.

Pretty Sneaky Award
This may come as a surprise to people, but the police don't seem to key simply off of the clothing worn. A man in Allentown learned this for himself, after changing his clothes, and still finding himself under arrest. Given some of the descriptions given to police, it's probably good that they have taken time to look at other things, like evidence and clues.

Not Yours Award
Let's say that you come home to find a roommate, or perhaps a lover, asleep, curled around a bottle of alcohol. Most people would probably take the bottle away, possibly disposing of it. Most others, if they were the ones asleep, would wake, realize what happened, and go about their business. A woman in Michigan decided that she needed to draw a knife after her husband threw away her vodka bottle. Talk about an angry drunk.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week, with another pile of random news events. Stay safe out there.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 2, 2009

Hello, everyone. Things have been quiet here on the CSM, for a couple of reasons. We've been busier with non-CSM things, and we're contemplating maybe taking the blog in a new direction. But, well, in the meantime, we'll at least try to commit to getting something up every once in awhile. Like today, where we come back with a bevy of awards. Let's dive in.

Clothes for Hide and Seek Award
This should come as a shock to nobody, but some people outside of the military wear camouflage clothes. This group of people can include children, which apparently makes some parents uneasy. However, people shouldn't worry about camo-wearing kids, unless they also start applying face paint to help them blend in better. In which case, be ready to get jumped by a roving gang of 5-year-olds.

Playing in Traffic Award
Speaking of children, sometimes they play in areas that are hazardous to them. We like to call most of those areas "playgrounds", but we digress. The worst place for kids to play? In the middle of the street, while their drunk father sleeps. But don't worry, after the kids were found the first time, child protection services were called. Sure, the dad fell asleep and the kids wandered away before CPS got there, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

Bad Idea/Bad Idea Award
We know we've gone over this before, people. If someone steals your marijuana, don't call the police. And definitely don't make it worse by then driving drunk, trying to find the culprit. Next time, seriously, only call if your munchies are stolen, and then stay home.

Dress for Success Award
We don't really know how to dress when planning on committing a crime. We would assume that choosing something non-descript would be a good plan, possibly opting for dark colors. We might also advocate in favor of something to conceal or distort the face. We definitely would not suggest a High School Musical blanket. You know, not unless you want to have to explain to your cellmate all about Zac Efron.

Way Ahead of You Award
Thank goodness the Parents Television Council exists. If it wasn't for them urging people not to watch an upcoming episode of "Gossip Girl" on the CW, something tragic might have happened. For example, people might have realized that the CW television network still exists.

Bottoms Up Award
How often do people really look at online advertising? Probably more than you'd imagine. After all, just about every one of us could probably recreate with little prompting the crazy dancing silhouettes selling car insurance. So that could be why some advertisers decide to get a little risque with their promotions. Some people, however, feel that the ads are akin to soft core porn. Listen, if people wanted to find porn of any kind on the internet, they certainly won't click on someone's advertisement... at least, not as a first resort.

Just Gimme a Kiss Award
As it turns out, kissing may only have roots in some sort of base stimulation, at least for women. Apparently, kissing can help a woman actually improve her immune system. With the recent H1N1 outbreak, it seems like now would be a perfect time to test that theory.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you when we see you. Stay safe out there.