Thursday, July 31, 2008

Stop me if you've heard this one before

Apparently, the oldest joke in the world doesn't have the punchline, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?". We're shocked, too. We really figured it was either that or something about a chicken trying to cross a busy thoroughfare.

Actually, researchers have been able to trace what they believe to be the earliest recorded joke. It originated around 1900 BC as a saying among ancient Sumerians. That saying?

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

That's right, folks. Ancient Sumerians reverted to toilet humor almost as frequently as contestants on The Gong Show. Of course, it was beat out by about 300 years by the old gem about entertaining pharaohs by dressing women in fishing netting, and then suggesting that the pharaoh go and bait his hook, so to speak. So what does this all show us?

Well, it demonstrates how long humor has been part of human society. We're fairly certain that the first unrecorded joke probably consisted of Ogg pounding Thur with a couple of rocks after implying that Thur's mother was a monkey (the humor, of course, being that Thur's GRANDmother was the monkey).

And, it also demonstrates that, while these jokes are literally thousands of years old, they're still funnier than anything being created by Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia. They still don't touch Carlin, though.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

That's just bizarre

Imagine that you're working behind the counter at a restaurant. During your shift, a man wearing women's clothing, a streaked wig, and sunglasses walks in and asks for a couple of doughnuts. Depending on which city you live in, and which particular area of said city, this could actually be a common situation to deal with.

Apparently it wasn't too uncommon, as the cashier started to ring up the order, and even accepted $5 for the pastries. That was when the man pulled a gun and announced that he was sticking up the restaurant. And, by announced, we mean that he "mumbled something (the cashier) couldn't understand". Understandably, the woman behind the counter panicked and hid from sight. As for the cross-dressing robber's reaction?

He left the restaurant. Without the money from the register. And without his doughnuts or the $5 that he'd paid to get the register open in the first place.

We have to admit, if you're going to plan on committing a crime, first do some research into the location, and the actual "how to" into your chosen offense. Maybe practice. The best suggestion though, aside from don't become a criminal, would be to practice some followthrough. After all, nobody likes a burglar that leaves money behind without making any of their own.

And somehow that's not the weirdest thing we read about today. That honor goes to the Jesus cat. And we thought that he wouldn't like felines.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

That's just stupid

When we first heard about the Florida law allowing firearms in the workplace, we admit to having had some second thoughts. After all, so far as we could imagine, unless your job is working in a gun store, being a police officer, or compensating for a crippling shortcoming elsewhere, we just couldn't imagine why people would even want guns while on the job.

Well, it turns out, people seem to like it. Enough that a federal judge has decided that they should be allowed to bring their guns to work. True, they keep the guns in their cars while on duty, but now they don't have to make that long trek back home if they decide that they are angry about something and only bullets can solve the problem.

The real kicker, though? The judge who decided that the law should be upheld for now also admitted that it's "stupid".

Well thank goodness for that. At least we can rest assured that the judge who allows people to keep guns in their cars feels that the law is stupid. Or that it was, at least, poorly written. It should also put people's minds at ease. Especially if any of those people were the type to worry that "stupid" laws wouldn't be able to get a fair shake.

Of course, those people haven't been paying attention to the federal government for the last eight years. But they might have been too worried about guns in their cars to really watch DC closely.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Improvised weaponry

Every day, people get into fights. Oftentimes, they're embroiled in the conflict for something less than honorable reasons. In fact, we've seen a few fights break out around us because someone happened to be rooting for the wrong sports team (we're going to discount their decision to dump beer on the other fan's head as being part of the cause).

So now picture a group of people witnessing a fight between a man and a woman. Now picture that this fight is happening in Florida. Are you with us so far?

Good. As we pointed out, with fights being such a random and frequent occurrence, it's practically impossible to prepare completely, short of making a point of carrying weapons on you at all times. Sure, you could train in martial arts, but there are still times when you'll want something in your hands that's more than just your skin. That's when you can look at the example of the Florida man in the fight mentioned above.

Just take off your pants.

Yup. Apparently, there's a weapon close at hand. Specifically, there's one close at waist. Now, we would have imagined that maybe the man would have pulled off a belt, but apparently he decided to get the element of surprise by swinging his pants over his head.

We also feel the need to point out that it's much harder to defend yourself when you're laughing at another person's, um, shortcomings.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 21, 2008

Here we are, watching another Friday sneak past us. But, before it escapes, we've got some awards to hand out. So, since it seems to have put some wheels under itself, let's get this show going.

Thinking Big Award
There are, of course, dwarfs in the world. And no, we're not talking about the old fantasy standard. Naturally, they face difficulties that people of "normal" height can't imagine, which is why at least one has turned to a life of crime. His defense is that he can't get an actual job, because it's a "tall man's world". He's obviously forgotten about the potential lucrative contracts he could get in the sporting world. No, we're not talking about him being tossed... after all, the WWE could put him to good use.

I Want to Believe Award
Maybe it's all part of an elaborate marketing scheme for the newest X-Files movie, but the man who was the sixth to walk on the moon is saying now that NASA has been covering up the existence of aliens for decades. The astronaut was recently on British radio, admitting the "truth" about extra-terrestrials, and saying that, if they had wanted to, they could have destroyed us by now. In the meantime, in a distant galaxy, a group of scrawny figures are watching a television, laughing, and plotting to kidnap another farmer.

More Tin, Please Award
It only makes sense to follow up a story about aliens with a story about tin foil being used to thwart credit card machines. Sadly, the potential thief didn't realize that his plan would only work until someone climbed on the roof to remove the foil. Meanwhile, people in Roswell, NM, are simply hoping that, if they wrap their heads in the material, they'll be able to get free gas AND stop credit card transmissions.

Barack Me Amadeus Pt One Award
Currently, it seems that there is a bit of a discussion going on as to whether or not the media is "in love" with Barack Obama. At least, that's what the GOP is leaning towards. Of course, it's pretty hard to imagine how anyone could possibly assume such a thing. It's not like the man's ever been compared to the Messiah. Hmm... well, um... we're still fairly certain that McCain's VP choice won't eaten kittens...

Barack Me Amadeus Pt Two Award
While some people are fawning, throwing "Hosannas" and expecting to see Obama lead the American people to the Rapture, Republican media are casting him in a very different light. Specifically? They seem to want to tie Obama to either Mussolini or Hitler. Because, well, only Hitler could pack an outdoor sports stadium. Well, Hitler or Miley Cyrus. Which is terrific, because that could mean that either American mass transit will be on time, or we're going to have to deal with photos of Barack wearing a sheet, exposing his back.

Soy Stops Swimmers Award
For awhile now, people have been talking up the health benefits to soy. True, there are definite benefits, but, until now, a potential health problem was missed (well, except for those who are allergic to soybeans... they've always known about risks). As it turns out, men who ingest soy may be likely to have lower sperm counts. Also, interestingly enough, the effect is even more pronounced in overweight men. But really? How many overweight men really consume that much soy?

Elvis Has Left the Coliseum Award
Elvis Presley definitely left an impact when he died. Little did any of us know that the impact was felt profoundly in Rome. Over 1800 years ago. The stone bust looks so similar to "Fat Elvis" from the end of his career that we can only assume one thing. That assumption, naturally? Ancient Romans loved deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches just as much as the next Visigoth.

My Toof Award
A boy in Brazil is making some level of fame for himself, after becoming the subject of a rare story-type. Not only did he reverse the old "Dog bites man" type of headline, but he also lost a tooth in the incident. Ironically, the tooth he lost was a canine. Needless to say, reporters have been hounding him for more details, but he's been foxy about avoiding giving up too many details, with the information given quickly being wolfed down. Also, the boy now wants steak.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back after the weekend, refreshed, with a nimble mind. Or we'll be back just like usual, with our mind slogging along at it's own pace. Either way, we'll have more stories to bring to you, and we'll continue to keep ourselves out of the Presidential love fest. Besides, Ross Perot stopped returning our calls when his wife got suspicious. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Smoke 'em if you've got 'em

We understand that smoking is bad for you. We know that you can't possibly vouch for any real health benefits, unless you're either an unfrozen caveman, or a lawyer for Big Tobacco. And we can see the reason for smoking to be banned from restaurants, bars, and workplaces. But there's a point where it gets a little out of hand.

That point has recently been crossed across the Atlantic, where a British man received a fine for lighting a cigarette. Why? He did so in his personal van. Oh, and he's self-employed as a painter, so his van is how he gets from job to job. The police ticketed him for smoking in his place of employment.

Here's the thing, though. Not only is the van his personal vehicle (as he points out, he paints houses, not vans), but he wasn't even close to going to or from a job at that point. He was headed to the store to pick up some tea bags. The fact that the police pulled him over while he was driving and smoking seems like they're taking things a little too far.

There is a minor consolation to the whole story. When the man's wife went to pay the fine, even the local council seemed confused, as they hastily scribbled a receipt on what may as well have been an old used napkin.

It's this kind of overreaction that can drive a person to smoking. Just don't do it in your private vehicle. Or anywhere else.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

And one was assaulted

Many of us know the old joke about two peanuts walking down the street. If, for some reason you happened to miss it, just look at today's title for the punchline (painful as it is). While we don't have any specific recollection as to why we know this awful joke, we can't escape it.

Well, we actually had for awhile. That is, of course, until we found a news story that brought it all back. And that story actually revolves around a woman who was recently arrested for assaulting her neighbor with the small, protein-filled food products.

Yes, yes, we know that she also decided that she wanted to attack a car. But come on, people. People key cars all the time. How often do you get to see the story of someone deciding to exploit a neighbor's allergies? More to the point, we don't often see stories where one of the most traumatic things is the victim being pelted with peanuts at the local mall.

On one hand, there's definitely something wrong with anyone who would engage in such an activity. While the woman may have thought that maybe the woman wasn't yet aware of the glorious joys behind peanuts, you have to wonder about someone who laughs in the face of other people's allergies.

Well, alright. So we find ourselves doing that sometimes. But we're not generally the cause. And, if we are, we at least honey roast our attacks.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Point of origin

For the longest time, we thought that America was the land of the free and the home of the bizarre court cases. After all, it's not in every country that you hear about someone suing because coffee is hot, ice is cold, or air is breathable. And it certainly isn't anywhere other than America where you can find documentation of a case revolving around a multi-million dollar pair of pants.

That's been changing steadily as of late, as opportunistic members of the global community are seeing the potential for a big payday from companies that may not be aware of the previous trials. Sure, California has determined that drinking paint could be hazardous to your health, but has Queensland, Australia? And do stepladder makers in Seoul know that there needs to be a warning about that top stop?

Leave it to part of Greece to carve it's own niche in this field. Thanks to the Greek court system, we know now exactly what to call gay women. For some of you playing at home, yes, the answer is, "Hot". For everyone else, the answer is "Lesbian". This puts a crimp in the plans for some natives of the island Lesbos, who wanted to get the term's use put to an end. The judge decried that the term did not specifically apply to residents of the island (who may start referring to themselves as "Lesbonites", or the ever popular "Greek"), and therefore it could be used exactly as it has been.

The problem now for the island of Lesbos? Just how to get that lucrative Birkenstock endorsement.

Monday, July 21, 2008

You don't say

Well, well, well. It looks like all these cutbacks that news organizations (specifically newspapers) have been forced to go on actually have a downside, as well. Sure, we figured that it would just give the staff that was remaining a bigger incentive to work harder. After all, with fewer people on the clock, there would be a higher chance of getting your stories run.

Well, thanks to some good old fashioned research (done by the Project for Excellence in Journalism, because newspapers don't have the funds or staff to conduct their own research anymore), we now know that by cutting staff, the papers were also cutting their ability to produce quality content. Boy, how wrong we were. We really were figuring that the result of a trimmer staff would be just like Arena Football in comparison to the NFL. You know, fewer teams, fewer players, and less exposure to the country and world as a whole?

Honestly, a part of us is a little shocked that this was even a potential study. After all, it's not like the newspapers were trimming off the dead wood from their staffs. When the decision comes down to keeping a newer reporter who's starting to get their legs under them, or the completely superfluous gossip columnist, well, gossip gets to run another few columns per week in the paper, while the kid is out lucky if he can deliver a product door to door.

Maybe that's the catch. We understand that newspapers are having difficulties in the current economy (and that they were even before we hit the financial skids), but maybe they've been making the wrong cuts.

Besides, the last thing we want to see next to an article about a candidate visiting a local farming community is a detailed synopsis of what they were wearing the entire time.

But we do want to know if they liked their lobster.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 14, 2008

Welcome to Friday! This week has been clipping by, only feeling like it's been four full days, plus a number of hours, since we woke up Monday morning. You can think that's normal, but for us, that's just typical. So, before we really get ourselves off further onto a tangent, let's get these awards under way.

M-I-C-K-E-Y P-O-P-E Award
The Pope is taking a trip around the world, visiting different countries and spreading his message of peace and tolerance (just so long as you don't disagree with his church). In Sydney, Australia, a group of visitors from California decided to offer him some new headgear, and gave him a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and a stress ball. According to reports, the Pope declined to actually wear the mouse ears, citing that he was always a bigger fan of Wile E. Coyote.

Faking it in Court Award
What do you do when your marriage is not the ideal situation you hoped it would be? Well, if you're an Indian man, you bring a fake wife to the court in order to get a divorce. His actual wife later found out, and the court has now overruled the earlier decision. We have a sneaking suspicion that that he'll find his original wish granted, making it one of the few times he's been able to give his wife what she wants.

The Balloons are Attacking Award
Wow. Good old California. The state that took time to research and prove that drinking paint might be hazardous to your health (other states assumed this on their own). The state that threatens to (literally) break off from the rest of the United States every couple of years. They must have everything figured out, because a CA lawmaker is looking to ban helium-filled foil balloons, citing them as dangerous. We expect this to go over like a lead, air-filled vessel. Thanks, MythBusters!

Next Time, Start Earlier Award
Boy, it's really a good thing that we've had such a long campaign process for the presidency. After almost two full years of being told where the candidates stand, almost half of those who are independents are still undecided as to who they're voting for. This is why we're considering announcing our own candidacy for the President. For 2024.

It's Not the Heat Award
Let's say for a moment that you get caught touching yourself inappropriately. While sitting on your front porch. Oh, and you're completely nude. What do you think an appropriate response would be? Here's a guess that, "I'm a nudist. It's hot out" isn't the first words in your mind, because that apparently doesn't placate the police. Interestingly enough, the way we read the final sentence of the article, he was more indecent AFTER putting clothes on. Because nobody wants to see that shade of purple on anybody.

Pass the *hic* Research Grant Award
Oh, to have lived in 1955. Apparently, according to an extremely scientific study done then, it was once impossible to get drunk on beer. This explains why Dean Martin was always near the gin bottles. Meanwhile, in 2008, we've categorically proven that people can get drunk on water, which explains why Paris Hilton is always near the gin bottles.

Catch of the Day Award
Finally, a man out fishing landed a record catch, after he used his lures to help bring a drowning man ashore. Sadly, the drowning man was undersized, and had to be thrown back.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, wondering if LA can figure out what they're exact drop-out rate is. Some say it's 33%, which is like, 2 out of every 15 or something. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Get the door

Some people just have no sense of propriety. They go around early in the morning, rousing people from bed, and ringing the doorbells of the elderly. In one case, they literally left burns around the door frame.

What? You're saying it was an actual lightning strike, and not someone equipped with an electrical pack rigged to allow them to shoot bolts out of their fingertips?

Oh. Well, in that case, we're sufficiently impressed. And here we thought it was just hoodlums.

As it turns out, though, the lightning didn't have the best possible aim. Instead of being able to strike the doorbell button directly, it had to hit the door frame, travel along the metal, and eventually find it's way to the buzzer. Imagine a drunken frat boy with one of his first girlfriends, and you kind of have the idea. Then realize the frustration for the residents, who now have no power, no way to call emergency services, and still have a lightning storm raging outside of their window.

Okay, maybe that pushes the analogy a little far. Possibly into the territory of uncomfortable memories.

It should be noted that, aside from being "scared skinny", the elderly couple had no real complications. After calling for assistance, they did make a point of telling the storm to get off of their lawn.

Which they proceeded to water for 7 hours straight.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Twist and shout

We all know dancers. Some good. Some bad. We all probably know at least one person that's been arrested. Sometimes for just cause. Sometimes for mistaken identity. How many of us can claim that we know of someone who was arrested for their bad dancing?

Friends of a Wisconsin man can finally say that, even if it isn't exactly the truth. As it turns out, the man's dancing was bad enough, however, that he drew the attention of the police. And, after the cops witnessed his behavior for a little while, decided it was probably worth arresting and searching him.

Lo and behold, the aroma of marijuana that was coming off of him wasn't just a new cologne that he was wearing. And his cigar wasn't a store-bought Swisher. Instead, the police were able to apprehend the man for drug possession charges, as well as charges for possessing paraphernalia. We would have assumed that the two charges generally go hand in hand, much like a smokeable substance and a pipe, but it seems that they really are their own charges.

It's probably for the best that the man wasn't arrested simply for dancing. After all, some people need to dance when they're angry, while others just use it as an allegory for fighting the repressions placed upon them by their town elders.

Maybe we could get Kevin Bacon to help out, though.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I can't hear you

Police in Framingham, MA, were called to the scene of a domestic disturbance recently. When they arrived on scene, they found two women engaging in a shouting match with each other. In order to resolve the situation, the police had to place one of the women under arrest, and then endure her shouting and her assault of an officer.

Oh, and we should probably mention that both of the women were deaf.

Well, now that we know that particular fact, we're no longer quite so surprised. Sure, we still don't really get why the women were fighting in the first place, or what was so bad that one woman had to actually try and push through the police that were keeping her from striking at the other. But the shouting part makes sense now.

They were just trying to talk to each other, and were relying on the tactic used for centuries by people who aren't being understood by those they're speaking to. Just talk louder. Maybe if they'd also slowed down the pace of their words, they wouldn't have been fighting in the first place.

Come to think of it, maybe Brett Favre should start to rely on this tactic, too. After all, it's worked for GDub.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Shoot thy neighbor

Ah, the church. People are always seeking religious solace, and, for many, they can only find it within the arms of the church and congregation for their chosen form of worship. And yet, every once in awhile, in an attempting to court younger churchgoers (or at least to get them to be a bit more active within their parishes), the churches will find new ways to try to entice people. Never mind that religious peace of mind should be enough for most people, and let's get going on handing out Wiis and iPods to those that become members of a new church by the first Sunday in November. It can be like a visit to the Oprah Winfrey show, without all the self-aggrandizement.

But sometimes, those well-crafted plans have to be changed. Such as when someone is injured in the preparations. Of course, what are the odds of anyone getting hurt while preparing a gun giveaway?

That's right. A Baptist church in Oklahoma recently had to cancel a gun giveaway because of an injury to one of the pastors. The church was using the giveaway to lure teens to a youth conference, with the focus being on faith, not firearms. Once the pastor injured his foot (most likely unrelated to the gun, which was a semi-automatic) and found that he wouldn't be able to attend the conference himself, the gun was put back in storage for another year.

Well, thank goodness. That gives us plenty of time to register ourselves and get reverse fake-IDs (showing just how young we are). After all, churchin' is good. But we want some shootin' with our churchin'.

Good thing that we can think about this instead of the New Yorker.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 7, 2008

Welcome to Friday. We're hiding inside today, trying to dodge some of the heat (well, truth be told, here in the northern parts of the country, it's really more about the humidity... take THAT, Arizona!), so we've got some awards for you. Let's get rolling shall we?

I Wanna *hic* Help Award
A firefighting team in Germany recently got some unexpected assistance as they prepared to battle a blaze. Within their ranks, fully decked out in equipment, was a complete stranger. Oh, and he happened to be incredibly drunk, too. The first tip off? When he volunteered to put out the fire with his "special hose".

We're Number 8 Award
Speaking of drinking, leave it to the Wisconsin media to actually compile stats on a state-by-state basis with regards to alcohol consumption. It's consequently no surprise to see that Wisconsin ranks #1 in how much alcohol permeates the culture. As for Minnesota? We're tops in health costs related to booze. Meanwhile, North Dakota gets the win for underage drinking AND for people needing treatment but not seeking it. And people always say that there's nothing to do in "flyover country".

Zap Award
What happens when you give a child a paper clip at an academic enrichment camp? Well, if you're like the camp in Hagerstown, Maryland, you end up sending letters home with children to warn their parents about the danger. Thankfully, the child didn't stick the paper clip into the socket as part of his class work. We'd hate to have to look over that particular syllabus.

Afternoon Delight Award
A horror story that seems to plague young couples (and, in later years, their children) is the tale of a child walking in on their parents during a moment of intimacy. Now make it much more awkward by giving the child access to 911, and having them think Mommy's in a fight. We just wonder if the police had to say, "Open up, ma'am."

What Goes Around Award
You get robbed, but your home surveillance camera records the incident. The police get the recording, and look through the evidence. The police get robbed, and the tape goes missing. The second robbery is caught on camera. *singing* It's the circle of crime. It's the wheel of misfortune...

The Holy Spirit's A Jerk Award
What happens if you slip and fall at a church? If you're like a Knoxville man, you proceed to sue, because the spirit of God caused you to fall. Finally, someone's giving God credit for bad things, too. Oddly enough, nobody noticed that Jesus was crouched behind the man, so God just had to give a little push.

Black Hole Son Award
It seems like people can overreact about just about anything. Take, for example, the Dallas County Commissioner who thinks that the term "black hole" is racist. But don't worry. He's not crazy. He also thinks that "angel food cake" and "devil's food cake" are racist terms. We just wonder if he thinks that the term "doughnut holes" is derogatory to cops.

And that does it for this week's awards. Enjoy the weekend and try to keep cool. Stay safe out there!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Um, what?

Today, it's a tale of two criminals. Well, one wasn't really a criminal beforehand, at least by most measures of the law. But ducking a subpoena from Congress? That just isn't the most upstanding citizen.

Of course, we're speaking of Karl Rove. The former Man in the Yellow Hat to the President's Curious George was issued a subpoena by Congress. Presenting himself as someone with nothing to hide, Rove immediately decided to refuse to testify, ignore the subpoena, and claim that he could do so because of "executive privilege".

This course of action could cause Rove to be held in contempt (we'd make the easy joke here, but, well, the country is in pretty bad shape after the last 8 years, and now is a time for healing). But fear not, freedom lovers. Rove is more than willing to hold an informal interview on the subject of the firings of justices that disagreed with the GDub Administration. Or, he'll even consider writing answers to questions on a sheet of paper. Just so long as he doesn't have to do so in front of the glare of television cameras. Because, as we all know, Rove shies away from the public eye.

On the up side, he is being more intelligent than the accused mob killer who hid from the police by portraying a mob killer in a film. But only slightly.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

A hot little business

Plenty of businesses are being creative, and coming up with ways to draw new customers in, while rewarding (and keeping) loyal, long-time customers. Many places, in the wake of the economic stimulus checks, offered to match at least a portion of the check, thereby making the money count double. Of course, many people who received their checks used them to pay down (or off) bills, but that's besides the point. A certain percentage was still able to filter money back into the economy, and, out of those that did, not everyone dropped the check into a savings account.

So it should come as no surprise that there are businesses looking to partner up with gas stations, to help ease the burden there a little bit. What is a bit surprising is that one entrepreneur who's decided to assist in this particular area is someone who runs a brothel in Nevada.

That's right, folks. For the low, low cost of $300, or about an hour's worth of brothel "services", you too can get a voucher for $50 worth of gasoline. So, after emptying your "tank" with a worker from the world's oldest profession, you can refill for less. With that sort of deal, you can even afford to get some liquids and a sandwich or two back into your system.

In fact, this business venture has been so successful that the brothel has already had to secure a new shipment of vouchers. Oh, and for those doing the math at home, the $50 is an average of the cost to drive from Las Vegas to the brothel and back again.

If only there was a way to get gas stations to give a voucher for using the brothel. That might improve business at both ends.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

One lump, or two?

There are many ways to look at today's title for inspiration. Of course, if you reference the old Warner Brothers cartoons, there are two specific ways, which combine for comedic value. We're going to take our inspiration from that example, and that's why we've got two stories on our docket.

First up, we admit that being robbed is a scary thing. However, a Japanese woman was able to keep her head about her, after a man attempted to rob her at knife-point. Instead of giving in to his demands, she invited him inside for some tea.

That's right, folks. When he asked for all of her money, she instead offered a tasty darjeeling. Or maybe a calming green tea, to help clear his mind. Or maybe even a bit of English breakfast, to get him going. Whichever tea she offered, it was clear. This was a woman not to be trifled with. She knew exactly how to take a knife pointed at her and turn it into an opportunity for conversation.

A twenty minute long conversation, to be precise. The woman talked with her attempted robber about life over the tea, and, at the end of the conversation, she handed him 10,000 yen before attempting to call the police. While the robber can't be found, it is assumed that he is wandering Tokyo with a sense of enlightenment. It's also possible that he really needs to use the restroom, and that he may have bad teeth and say things such as "cheerio" and "guvnah".

Meanwhile, in the other version of lumps, a couple of teens in New York recently learned to be careful who they make fun of. After having filmed a YouTube video where they mocked the city of Oniontown as being poor, rundown, and a "backwoods dump", the residents responded as any self-respecting poor town would. They launched stones at their detractors. When asked why they used stones, the residents responded by saying, "Well, sticks is just too expensive."

We're kidding, of course. It's entirely possible that the residents of Oniontown didn't use sticks because they needed them to stoke their fires.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Choose Your Own Emergency

How would you define emergency? Would you rank wildfires up there? How about a bomb scare at your place of employment? Perhaps even a medical situation would suffice. Of course, some people resort to hyperbole when they use the term emergency, which is why we are now familiar with the concept of people needing to get chocolate ice cream, or just the desire to go out to the strip clubs for a night.

Even so, would you ever define people getting off of a plane before you as an emergency? What if you had purchased a first class ticket, and they were sitting economy?

That's exactly what happened with a flight to Georgetown, Guyana. A first class passenger was so irritated at seeing economy passengers leaving before him that he opened an emergency hatch, activated the slide, and left the plane. We almost wonder if he also brought along his seat cushion, so that he'd have a flotation device with him at the hotel.

On the plus side, the man wasn't concerned about children being racist because they don't like certain foods. That would have been just crazy.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 30, 2008

Well, well, well. It's only a Thursday, but since tomorrow is America's birthday, we're probably not going to be anywhere near a computer. Given that, we're going to throw our awards at you a day in advance. So, since we've still got fireworks to buy, let's get rolling.

Job Security Award
It's nice when people can find job security, especially in this struggling economy. When you're a radio host, it can be doubly nice, because the industry changes so quickly to deal with the fickleness of listeners. However, to announce, like Rush Limbaugh did, that you're going to be on the air until "every American agrees with (you)", well, that just seems audacious. Fortunately for radio producers, since Limbaugh will NEVER be off the air, he does seem to recycle themes, so it should be easy to keep recycling shows. Most of his fans will never notice.

Smells Like Ribs Award
There are plenty of things around the average home that can be made into a makeshift disguise. If you're breaking into a place, and you start by dressing in the homeowner's clothes, you might be missing the point. If you follow that by slathering yourself in barbecue sauce, you've definitely found some new complications. We only wonder if the police arrived with Wet-Naps.

Taking it Easy Award
When arrested for possessing child pornography on your computer, there's one defense that you should really never consider; "It was easy to get". A Massachusetts man learned that after trying to explain that he was researching to see how easy it would have been for his children to find the material. Hey, at least the kids are in a similar age range...

The Sound of One Hand Clapping Award
One of the funniest (or most disturbing, depending on your perspective) things in the world is the image of a primate pleasuring itself. It's even funnier when they get caught doing so in public, surrounded by people who have no idea what to expec--- what? Oh, it was a monk, not a monkey? Well, that's just weird.

Stop Allowing Yourself to Be Looked At Award
Imagine that you're the victim of a peeping tom. What can you do to ensure that justice is meted out? Well, a group of women in Seattle were told to fix their blinds, after a peeper's wife defended him, saying he "couldn't help it". Right. Just like celebrities can't help walking around without underwear.

A Piece of the Middle East Award
We have to give this to GDub. After all, he recently finally stepped up and suggested to Israel that they may not really want to bomb Iran. It seems that the US isn't interested in getting involved in a third war. And, gosh darnit. If the US does get involved, we want it to be OUR misguided idea that starts it, not someone else's. Meanwhile, VPCheney is tenting his fingers and practicing saying, "I find your lack of faith disturbing".

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, knowing that our country, while older than it's ever been, is still a bit of a petulant teenager on the global stage. Isn't that right, Russia? Anyways, stay safe out there.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Curiouser and curiouser

Police lead such interesting lives. Not only might they appear as one of the stars of "Cops" (and, more specifically, one of the stars that people don't immediately make fun of), but they get to deal with some of the more entertaining portions of society. Sure, it's not all fun and games when you're walking the thin blue line, but there are times when the job just has to get more worthwhile.

Take, for example, yet another new way to combat rising gas prices. Sure, we already discussed people using a drill to help steal the gas from neighbors. But what about a different kind of drilling? We only ask because police in Kentucky recently arrested a woman for trading sex for fuel. The arrest prompted a prosecutor to mention how sad it is for people to sell themselves for gas. Little does he realize that usually people sell themselves for drugs; gas just has a higher street value right now.

But that isn't even one of the weirdest arrests the police can make. How would you feel if you were called to a domestic disturbance situation, and arrived, wondering where the second person was? Even more bizarre, what happens when you realize that the fight is being conducted by one person, who's going so far as to alternate the pitch of their voice while trashing their apartment, holding both sides of the argument? But don't worry. The police were able to determine that the man might be a danger to himself, and took him in for a mental health evaluation. No reports on whether the man made soap in his spare time.

And let's not forget the two guys named Telly Savalas getting arrested. Maybe they should have brought Tootsie Pops.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A vote against Baldwin

No, folks, we're not picking on Alec Baldwin this time. We're not even picking on brother Billy. Today, our sites are set on Stephen, also known as the Blonde Baldwin, or "That Guy Who Was In Biodome with Pauly Shore". Yes, we know he was in "Threesome", too, but we don't want to taint Josh Charles that way.

Anyways, it turns out that Stephen made a recent appearance on FOXNews. While there, he complains about Hollywood and the media assuming that the average American care about their political leanings.

Oh, and he said he'd leave the country of Obama was elected.

While we generally don't concern ourselves with which actor endorses which candidate, simply because we can't vote only by choosing which movies we liked better, we actually look at Stephen's comments with a bit more interest. First off, why would you complain about the average person not wanting to know your political leanings, all while appearing on a very conservatively-slanted news station? Secondly, why would you announce that you're going to leave if the GOP doesn't hold on to the presidency?

Maybe Stephen has forgotten that he's the Baldwin most people are kind of relieved has faded from view. Sure, Alec isn't the rosiest character out there, but people seem to give him something of a pass because of "30 Rock". As for Stephen? Well, he was the replacement Barney Rubble.

This may have solidified votes in a lot of people's minds. Heck, even the diehard Ron Paul supporters might be willing to ensure that there will never be a sequel to "Biodome".