Thursday, October 22, 2009

Rough first day on the job?

Think back to the worst first day you ever experienced on a job. No matter how bad it was, there's a good chance that a Utah man will have had a worse day than you. In fact, there's a good chance that he's had the worst first day in the history of employment.

After all, how many times have you found yourself kidnapped by your trainer?

That's what happened to a man who was starting his new career at a commercial baking company. His trainer suggested that they take a break a couple of hours into the shift. So the two took their break, got into a car, and headed to a nearby gas station to get something to drink. Then, the car turned away from work, and the driver started talking about his life, and his problems. It wasn't until the passenger was allowed out of the car to use the restroom that things started to turn around for him.

While we've definitely had jobs that we've wanted to leave on the first day, we've never gotten to the point where we find ourselves kidnapping new hires. The worst that we can see ourselves doing would be warning people about the soul crushing that they're bound to experience.

Of course, for many people, warning them won't do any good. The new job will at least carry a different style of despair than a previous job.

And sometimes variety is enough.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

One for the road

How exactly can one display both bravery and stupidity at the same time? Well, trying to emulate a superhero might just work. Another, less spandex-clad way?

Just finish your vodka after the cops have already pulled you over for a DUI.

That's just what happened in Ohio, after a man was pulled over. Originally, he was being looked at by the police for allegedly breaking into his former girlfriend's place. He followed that with a bit of a search, having left the scene before the police got there. When they finally did catch up with him, he was quickly given a field sobriety test, proving that he was intoxicated, and therefore the police were prepared to arrest him for the DUI. They also were going to arrest him for driving with an open container of alcohol.

But, in a brilliant example of making matters worse, the man drained the rest of the vodka bottle, thereby giving himself full access to yet another charge, this time for tampering with the evidence. More impressive, he didn't drink the remainder of the liquor until after his sobriety test. Perhaps it was merely a thought of, "Well, I'm already in trouble."

At least the guy wasn't seeing Rudolph in his pork chops. Because that would be weird.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Where did that go?

Have you ever tried to find something, and just can't seem to remember where you left it? People will always say that it's in the last place you look, but that's because it doesn't make sense to keep looking after you've found it. Still, it can be an irritating thing, especially if what you're looking for is of some importance to you.

Now the real question. Have you ever done it with a baggie full of drugs? How about one that's stuck to your forehead?

A Pennsylvania man just had that experience. Even worse, the drugs were discovered by a police officer, after the baggie had apparently fallen out of his cap. After all, what better place to hide something illegal than right in front (and slightly above) of your own eyes? If you're smoking enough marijuana, you might want to leave it there so that you can easily be reminded of where it is.

Still, there have to be smarter locations to hide your drugs. Our first suggestion, naturally, would be to not actually carry drugs with you. After all, if you really need them, do you really need to bring them everywhere? It might not be convenient to leave them at home, but it might be wiser in the long run. If that fails, we're pretty sure that there's a tremendous invention called the "pocket" that some of these drug users could look into. It might be a bit safer of a location.

Although we suddenly understand the hipster fascination with trucker hats now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

So long, and thanks for the single fish

Domestic violence rears its ugly head far too often. Sadly, not a day can go by without someone finding themselves in trouble with the law for beating up on a significant other. So what is it that really sets today's story apart, in such a way that we had to write about it?

How often do people stab fish in the altercations?

We're just going to guess not all that often, really. In fact, we can't recall the last time that we ever saw something quite so strange. Well, sure, there are all the garden gnomes acting like Nazis, but this is still weirder. After all, it's not like we're talking about a large fish, here. It was simply a betta, so nothing too overly large.

Okay, so a quick rewind and recap. A man decided that he needed to have a heart-to-heart with his ex-girlfriend. That didn't go quite the way he was hoping, so he lashed out. She left and called the police, returning with an officer in tow. Left behind in the middle of her wood floor was her purple fish, with a knife through it. Oh, and the the fish had originally been bought by the boyfriend in the whole situation.

If that wasn't weird enough, there was apparently also a consideration to ban the man from being within a certain distance of fish. So much for those visits to Petco.

Listen, if you really feel the need to commit some sort of violence against fish, there are better ways to go about it. Heck, if you just go out on a boat, you might even get people to pay you for what you do.

You know, for the seafood lover in all of us.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sexy bitches

All right. This has gone far enough. We remember a time where Halloween used to be about dressing in costume, having fun, and candy laced with razor blades. You know, a more innocent time. But it seems like every where you go, a new crop of "sexy" costumes is out there, and they don't necessarily discriminate by age. Okay, so maybe these costumes were always out there in some shape or form, but it just seems like it's gotten more prevalent in past years.

And now the next step has been taken. Want proof that people have gone too far, and they no longer have any sense of decency when it comes to Halloween?

They're selling "sexy" costumes for dogs. Yes, dogs.

Dogs, people? Really? If you must put a dog into a costume, shouldn't you go with tried and true (and, admittedly, dorky) costumes like the hot dog, or something like that? Why is there even a demand for people to see a poodle dressed like a French maid? Who wants a chihuahua made up to resemble a school girl?

On second thought, don't answer those questions. We really don't want to know. As it is, we'll already be quietly rocking in a corner, muttering to ourselves to make the bad things go away.

After all, "sexy" dogs is a scarier image than most horror movies can concoct.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sound sleep

There are many stories out there about people doing bizarre things in their sleep. From tales of people walking, to legends of people driving, all the way to sagas about people waking up in bed with strangers mid-fornication, the sleeping mind can sometimes cause the sleeping body to do a little more than expected.

But who would have guessed that one of the more amazing things that could happen to someone while they slept would be that they just remained sleeping? Of course, when you're surrounded by a house fire, not panicking is a pretty big feat.

What makes this story even more amazing is that, not only did the man sleep through the blaze, but part of the house collapsed, and the fire department was pretty sure that nobody could have survived. He was discovered after the fire was under control, during a walk through.

Admittedly, we've been prone to wanting to stay in bed when we're warm, but we're also fairly certain that, around 150 degrees or more, it should start getting too hot to sleep. Never mind about the water that had to rain down, in an attempt to put the fire out, which would have a high chances of finishing any sort of wake-up job that the heat didn't. Of course, there is the distinct lack of oxygen, that would allow a sleeping individual to remain asleep.

All told, though, it's very impressive that this man was able to survive, while his house collapsed around him. Let's just hope he doesn't decide he has super powers that need to be tested.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Effective, but wrong

We were all set to look at how foolish men can truly be (or, at least, men who fill out polls on certain male-oriented websites), but, well, sometimes picking a fictional character as the most influential man just doesn't get to be the main story. Not when you've got lawyers doing some shady things in the cases that they're part of.

Specifically, for those playing at home, it's just not a good idea to specifically ask a group of gang members to show up when you're the defense attorney on a murder case. It's an even worse idea to have those gang members stand up while the witness is on the stand. As for the worst possible idea? Then looking for assurances that you won't get in trouble for your actions, since it wasn't "blatant witness intimidation".

What's even better, or worse, about this entire story? After the eight men who stood up in court were arrested due to possibly intimidating the witness, the defense attorney complained that the arrest created "chilling effect on my ability to represent my client." Look, if you think that maybe having some guys stand up, stare down a witness, and then get arrested might make it more difficult for you to keep your client out of jail, then maybe your client isn't the only one who should be getting looked at for wrong doing.

Man, Don Draper would never encourage that kind of behavior.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Fight fight fight

Sometimes, the answer is violence. Most of the time it's not. How often does violence of some sort become the wrong answer when at a football game? The answer, naturally, is when coaches get into a fist fight on the sidelines.

But why would they fight? Especially given that this was taking place during a youth football game.

It seems that some of the parents and players for one of the teams had a problem with a player for the other team. Specifically, the fact that the player was a girl.

The dust-up started because some of the parents pointed out religious beliefs that it was wrong for a boy to hit a girl. Naturally, when using religion to point out how wrong violence is, the only possible recourse is more violence. After all, it would be a shame if people decided to sit down, think about things, and actually have a discussion about what's troubling them.

After all, if we did that, we might all be playing that other game of football.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Here, take it

A man in Iowa had a strange experience last week when he walked into a convenience store. Little did he know that he had chosen a store that had been robbed enough times that the clerk would be panicked about someone holding their hand in their pocket.

So panicked, in fact, that they threw a bag of money at the guy.

But before you start cursing, and wishing that you were the individual, keep in mind that, legally, he still really couldn't take the money. Oh, and he still got arrested. Some days, you get a pile of money thrown at you, and some days you get arrested for public drunkenness. For this guy, both days happened at once.

Of course, we're focused on the clerk, and their reactions. Admittedly, if we were working some place that had been robbed even once, we might be a bit skittish about people who seem suspicious. And, given that the man in question was drunk, we have to assume that he did more than simply walk around with his hand in his pocket. Still, we do have to wonder if our first reaction would be to literally throw money at the guy, or if we'd just run.

Naturally, this story also does fulfill one of the few things to do on a Thursday in Iowa. So someone gets to scratch another one off their bucket list.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Interpretive reading

It's time. We've sat by long enough, just hoping that it would go away. Obviously, it hasn't, and, well, we would be remiss if we didn't discuss it. After all, isn't that what blogs are for? Discussing into the ether?

See, the problem with this is that we really did hope that if we just hid for long enough, the situation would get resolved. Chalk it up to a reluctance to admit that other residents of our state voted her into office, but we just kept hoping that, if given enough time, Rep. Michele Bachmann would stop the crazy.

Yeah, obviously that isn't going to happen. In fact, she's decided to now focus on part of the proposed health care initiative. See, there has been research that the healthier students are, the better they do in school. So it would seem to logically follow that maybe it would be a good idea to get some sort of clinic-style care into the schools. In fact, the bill that is suggesting this even has language regarding patient rights, and the need for parental consent.

But not if your Rep. Bachmann. She doesn't see the clinics as a way for students to stave off the flu and possibly get treated for other potentially serious illnesses. Oh, no. The clinics are obviously going to be run by Planned Parenthood, be in place to give teenage girls abortions, and will probably even be giving advice on the best positions for a still-developing teenager to have sex in. Even worse, the entire thing will be done without the parents even knowing about it.

This is dangerous, and it's far from the most dangerous thing that Bachmann has done while in office. However, she has been given free reign to speak in whatever way she chooses. She is casting herself as a liability to the GOP, but every attempt to calm her crazy is only met with people even more convinced that what she's saying is correct. And yet, each time, her "concerns" about what is going to be done are met with the facts proving that she's simply fear-mongering, in a time when the American public is ready to move away from fear.

This woman has a terrifying lack of information. She is also one of the squeekiest wheels in Washington, and continues to be given a podium. If Nero fiddles while Rome burned, we just have to wonder what instrument Bachmann would play while she lights the matches.