Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Horror finally strikes home

With just eight days remaining before people nationwide leave their homes to cast their votes (and the other 70% of Americans decide it's not worthwhile and stay home to complain about the election results), the Democrats have finally found something of a spine. With the campaign season almost over, it's finally time to start trotting out the ads mentioning that little conflict we've got going on over in Iraq.

Some of you may remember that we've been fighting in Iraq for years, almost since the tragedy in New York. Why? Well, obviously, because Saddam Hussein was a much bigger threat to our way of life than Osama bin Laden (who's still at large, by the way). Of course, we've spent those years overthrowing the system of government that the Iraqi people had, placing our own form of democracy in its place, and then sending platoon after platoon to replace the soldiers that keep getting injured or killed by the insurgency, which has, according to "Gin" Rummy been in its "final throes" for almost a year and a half now. I've seen monsters in horror movies die faster.

Obviously, the Democrats are trying to secure the portion of the country that feels the war has been improperly handled. They plan on running the ads attacking how the GOP has governed during the war, while working to eliminate GDub's theory that if you vote for anyone other than one of his personal supporters, "the terrorists have already won". Sadly, this is being left in the hands of a party that lost one of its Golden Boys in Joe Lieberman through his political affiliations, and yet will lose the election in Connecticut to said Golden Boy because they can't actually mobilize the support, or the brain cells, to get behind Ned Lamont.

This country, a place where, unfortunately, the terrorists have already won far more than we want to admit, is locked between two dueling parties. Yes, I am aware that there are third party candidates out there, but, honestly, the only parties that really matter in America at present are the Democrats and the Republicans. Unfortunately, one of those two is corrupt, and the other has no sense of direction. I leave it to you to determine which is which.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Not funny

When recently asked whether or not he was going to miss mocking GDub and his cronies in the White House, Jon Stewart had a simple answer.


This may come as something of a surprise to a large number of people, especially given that Stewart has practically been able to reinvent his entire career by sitting behind The Daily Show newsdesk while doing exactly what he is saying he won't miss. I, on the other hand, tend to believe him, and the reasons why are very simple.

First off, every comedian likes to get new material. There's something about comedy that must remain vibrant, otherwise it dies. For example, the first three or four times you hear a good joke, you laugh. After twenty times, you need to move on, because it isn't as funny anymore. Consequently, eventually all the material possible about GDub and VeepCheney will be exhausted, and everything else will just be rehashing the same old standards. Some people think this has already happened.

Secondly, as incompetent and/or evil as they may be, nobody really wants to spend all of their time making fun of those that we're supposed to look up to. Sure, point out a failing here and there. Laugh at their misusage of the language. But, when one does that day after day after day, without fail, one almost has to start wondering if perhaps the joke isn't being played on the comedian instead. After all, nobody with that well-polished of a public relations department should be that open to being attacked for the things that they do or say. And yet, almost every day there's a new Bushism, or Snowism, or image of Cheney grilling kittens that comedians worldwide can attack.

Finally, Stewart knows what will happen to the show if there isn't a fairly regular change of hands for the seat of power. It's the same thing that will happen to this country (and, again, some are saying it's already too late). There will be moral degradation, and the overall malaise that will linger in everyone will make the telling of jokes impossible. Eventually, the only comedians that will be socially acceptable will be Carrot Top and Sinbad.

And, no matter how you look at it, that's just not funny.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 23, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. This week, with the holiday looming, we're going to put a bit of a Halloween spin on the awards. Yes, we know that Halloween isn't until Tuesday, but we want to be slightly ahead of the blogosphere on this one. Without further ado, let's get the skull rolling.

Toil and Trouble Award
News from the NRCC is that they are spending over 90% of their total advertising budget running negative campaign ads. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who's actually ingested any form of media over the last month or so. Upcoming spots will, of course, cast Hillary Clinton as a treacherous, plastic surgery-created vampire, and Amy Klobuchar will be accused of feasting on the souls of children. The downside is that GDub will get scared of the boogeyman and hide in the Oval Office for the next month.

Ain't Nothing But a Race Thing Award
This goes out to Tony Snow, everyone's favorite talking head, for thinking he's a bit "quaint" in not seeing the big deal over the outcry regarding the racist ads run in Tennessee. Snow firmly believes that the race card is always pulled when African American candidates run for office. Other things that Snow believes include that zombies exist in small communities in Michigan, and that kittens make excellent sandwich fixings.

Attack of the Living Kazakhs Award
Borat is gaining momentum with only a week to go before the movie opens. Now a Kazakh comic is planning on visiting London to get comic justice on Sasha Baron Cohen, creator of Borat, for his portrayal of Kazakhstan. Jantemir Baimukhamedov is supposedly planning on bring Cohen's mother horse sausage and urine, to fuel his revenge and prove that Kazakhstan is not a backwards nation. Of course, first Baimukhamedov has to figure out how to fuel his sheep-powered wagon and find ways to express his desire "for to be making the funny".

Asking for It Award
Kevin Federline recently made a statement regarding how people feel about him. Specifically, he said, "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me." Unfortunately for the world as a whole, the reporter K-Fed spoke to didn't have the guts to admit that we already do.

Full Moon Award
No, this isn't what you're thinking. This goes out to the change in views expressed by Hillary Clinton regarding same-sex marriage. Whereas 2000 featured Hillary very opposed to the concept, she is now willing to embrace those who support it. Other changes Hillary has undergone over the past 6 years include a willingness to let a werewolf finally visit New York after it's done touring Paris and London, and a nod towards plastic surgery, by saying, "You know, maybe it would keep Bill around more if I at least did some botox."

It's a Doppelganger Award
This goes out to the Ohio Republican Party, for running a photo of Al Franken wearing a diaper and bunny ears. Problem is, the photo was obviously a composite, and obviously a fake. Other images that did not receive coverage included Keith Olbermann sucking his thumb while wearing overalls, Bill Clinton playing teeball with Roger, and, in a rare positive image for the GOP, placing Ann Coulter's head on the body of a woman.
Honorable mention goes to Elizabeth Hasselback, for finally rubbing enough brain cells together to realize that someone was making fun of her.

It's Only Torture if The Other Guy's Crying Award
We give this to VPCheney, for his admission of using the technique called "waterboarding" in the interrogation of criminals. Of course, Cheney doesn't feel that waterboarding is torture in the slightest, just a harsh form of interrogation. In all fairness, the VP didn't think waterboarding was torture when he first invented it, all while a young page slaving away for noteriety within the Spanish Inquisition.

Good Idea, Bad Idea Award
We give this to the United Nations. Good idea? Placing a peacekeeping force between Israel and Lebanon. Bad idea? Using Germans as the main peacekeepers. After all, there's not much love lost between Israel and Germany, and, as anyone who happens to have a Jewish grandmother knows, the Israelites have a notoriously long memory. Although it is a step up from the other proposed peacekeeping force... Syria.

Well, that wraps us up for another week. Have a good weekend, don't worry too much about what goes bump in the night, and stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


God bless Tony Snow, so that he knows that someone does. Apparently the Snowjob needs to go back to remedial math classes. Of course, by remedial, we do mean the classes where they teach counting. The White House Press Secretary just can't seem to figure out how many times The Decider used the term "stay the course".

Nevermind that doing a Google search of White House transcripts yields 100+ results. Also nevermind that Countdown with Keith Olbermann was able to discover 29 separate instances of that particular phrase being used. After GDub insisted on Sunday that he's never been "stay the course" with regards to the War in Iraq, Snowjob picked up on that, and insisted that the words were never uttered.

Under scrutiny, Tony Snow has gone and revised his original estimate. Of course, given that his previous job was working with faulty definitions of "fair" and "balanced" on FOXNews, we shouldn't be surprised that he's having trouble grasping vague concepts like numbers. Snow has recently admitted that GDub may have said those exact words a few times. Approximately eight times, by the White House count. This is a far cry from the 29 that Keith Olbermann discovered, and isn't anywhere near spitting distance of what a Google search can pull up.

Perhaps this should serve as a wake-up call to the GDub administration (not that they've paid attention to any of the other calls they've gotten during their six years). When you're press secretary needs to use his fingers to count up the number of times something was said, and he still gets it wrong, maybe you should look into a new press secretary. After all, putting a PR spin on things will never work if the information can be debunked almost as soon as it's made available.

Or maybe it's time to reanalyze "No Child Left Behind". While Snowjob isn't a product of that program, his inability to count all the way up to 29 makes one wonder about the education priorities of the administration as a whole.

Oh, and Tony? It's ok. Einstein failed at math once, too.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

You know what they do to messengers

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is trying to offer some helpful advice to all of the GOP hopefuls running for election this coming November. He suggests that, to help win the election, the candidates should focus on things like tax cuts, and the drop in the price of gas.

Although it wouldn't seem like it needed to be said, Frist is also suggesting that GOP candidates don't talk about the war in Iraq, or the "terror issue".

Well, duh. After all, when you're running for office, and belong to a certain political party, why would you even consider bringing up points of conversation where it's fairly obvious your party leaders have made mistakes. Severe mistakes. Of course you should focus on the good things that you're party has done. It's almost as though Frist is going to a fraternity house and saying, "Guys, when advertising your next party, feel free to talk about the beer and games that are played. But, if I were you, I wouldn't mention the hazing or date rape."

The Democrats, of course, should be jumping all over this concept, if they want to win the Congress this November. After all, if the Senate Majority leader is telling his constituents to avoid talking about a certain issue because of how the GOP has handled it, why not make a different tactic on those issues a cornerstone of your campaigns? Of course, the Democrats, at least in Minnesota, are too busy defending themselves against some fairly outrageous claims (and some accurate ones, like the desire to repeal the tax breaks on the extremely wealthy) to even consider going on the offensive with something like this.

Which, of course, means that we're left waiting until the election, as one party doesn't want to talk about some of the biggest blights on our country in recent decades, and the other party is too dazed by all of the wadded-up pieces of Kleenex thrown their way to figure out how to mobilize even their plastic army figures.

But hey, thanks to Minnesota Public Radio, I can track my home election results from the comfort of my own blog. So can you, if you want. Hooray to widgets.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

As a button

The race for Senate in New York is getting more interesting, as it steps further and further away from anything resembling politics. Republican John Spencer, who is running against Hillary Clinton, recently disparaged his opponent in the New York Daily News. How, you might ask? By alluding that she may have gotten plastic surgery.

Hillary, of course, responded, all the while complaining that the campaign has stepped to attacks on physical appearance.

Sure, the photo of Hillary from high school isn't terrific, but it was taken back when cameras were still being perfected. Besides, she had a much smaller penis in high school, and it's barely even noticeable in the photo.

For those at home wondering, yes, I'm joking. It's totally visible in the full photograph, just not in the published headshot.

Had Spencer focused more on the photos of Hillary at college, he might have had more ammunition to work with. Those pictures showed Hillary looking even more unkempt and unattractive than Chelsey Clinton did in her worst bouts of puberty. Of course, Spencer even minimized his own attacks by point out that Clinton "looks good now".

It's comforting to realize that, in a world with all the problems we've got currently facing us, including, but not limited to, North Korea with nuclear potential and Kazakhstan still worried how Borat could affect their reputation, we can see a political candidate step into the world of high fashion, and accuse his opponent of having once been anything less than attractive. God bless America indeed.

Monday, October 23, 2006

If the gloves don't fit, well... you know

Eleven years after the infamous trial that kept him out of prison, and almost eleven years since the civil case that found him guilty and ordered payments to the families, OJ Simpson is stepping back into the spotlight cast on him by the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. And he's doing it in possibly the worst-conceived way possible.

He's writing a book about how he could have done it.

True, Simpson is claiming that the accounts in the alleged book deal (alleged because nobody has owned up to wanting to publish as of yet) are simply "hypotheticals", but it still casts an odd light on the crime. The working title of the book is supposedly "If I Did It", which could cause millions to pause when they see it and question the usage of the word "If".

Simply put, Simpson has continued to profit since the trials, both from his football career, and, seemingly, from the very act that people continue to look at him skeptically for. The merest notion of publishing a book by Simpson revolving around the murders seems to be not only in bad taste, but an ill-advised marketing move.

If this book is truly going to be coming to bookstore shelves sometime soon, then I would like to humbly suggest making it into a series of books, all by different authors. For example, you could release Adolf Hitler's book "If I Did It: Memoirs of a Failed Art Student", R. Kelly's "If I Did It: Problems Finding a Toilet", and Madonna's "If I Did It: Kidnapping from Malawai".

Of course, it's probably just a matter of time before we find Mel Gibson's tell-all, "What Do You Mean 'If', Sugartits?"

Friday, October 20, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards, where we try and skewer as many stories as possible in a short span of time. Let's get things underway...

Don't Ask, Don't Vote Award
Republicans are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to make it known that they aren't anti-homosexual. As it turns out, they aren't really against gay rights, they just have to act, speak, and legislate that way because "that's where the votes are". In other news, the GOP is also going to come out as being in favor of limiting our role in Iraq, and of being against corporate kickbacks. Also, they don't truly think they are the party of God, but they are told to act that way by the Archangel Gabriel.

Our Hole's Bigger Than Your Hole Award
The hole in the ozone layer isn't getting any smaller. Even though the chemicals thought responsible for the hole were phased out twenty years ago, the hole has grown to about the size of North America. Finally, we have something to brag about at the Interplanetary Reunion, while we continue to laugh at Pluto's relocation to the children's table.

Well Duh Award
This award title could almost become a weekly feature. This time around we hand it out to the National Bureau of Economic Research, who released a study letting us know that FOXNews has influence over how people vote. This is due, at least partially, to the highly slanted style of "fair and balanced" that FOXNews presents (both "fair" and "balanced" being trademarks of the GOP). The author of the report even mentions that FOXNews may have "induced a general ideological shift." Future studies from the NBER include "Thumbs; Making Us Different Than Gerbils" and "Whatever Happened to Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' Campaign?"

Now You See It Award
Scientists have announced that they've created a sort of invisibility cloak, which works by deflecting light away from the object it's concealing. So far, they've been able to mostly shield a cylinder from microwaves, all while leaving a small shadow. Said scientists are, of course, trying to work on perfecting actual invisibility. After they achieve their goal, the individuals working on this technology may finally find out what the inside of a woman's bedroom looks like.

I'm So Sowwy Award
Kim Jong Il, the star of Team America: World Police, has announced that he is sorry for the nuclear weapons test. He even made mention that he may return to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, his aides are continuing the rhetoric that they will mount an offensive if sanctions get too harsh. Maybe they all need to get together into a well-choreographed, but ultimately stiff and puppet-like, dance number. Then maybe Kim won't be so "wonwy".

Run Away Award
We give this to Katherine Harris, who is not only slated to lose the seat she is campaigning hard in Florida for, but may lose many other seats in the deal. Harris is purportedly planning on selling her Washington, D.C. house to raise funds for her campaign. In all honesty, she is probably selling the house because she realizes the futility of her campaign, and doesn't foresee the need to spend much time in the nation's capitol.

Read My Lips Award
We give this to Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH), for uttering those fatal words while standing by a debunked campaign ad. DeWine's assertion is that the ad is completely true, ignoring all the facts that prove him otherwise. Others who have said those words before a total lie include Paris Hilton, who said it before she announced her year of celibacy, and Mahatma Ghandi, before he swore he would "totally beat the ass of anyone who stepped on his sandals again."

It Worked For "The Office" Award
CBS has announced that it is the next network to bring over a non-game show from the UK. The import this time? The quirky, hard to classify "Viva Blackpool!". Hugh Jackman is listed as a possible guest star/executive producer. CBS is obviously hoping to gain the success of "The Office", while avoiding the pitfalls of "Coupling". Not wanting to be left out, ABC is looking to bring over "Benny Hill", and cast Andy Dick as the star.

The Passion of Madonna Award
NBC is going to be airing a special of Madonna's newest concert. Of course, the scene that drew the most ire during her tour, the crucifixion scene, will not be getting airtime. NBC, who recently let go of 700 staffers, is obviously trying to keep viewership from dropping them below even the CW in ratings. However, with some of the "sketches" used on NBC's "Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip" (and I use the word sketches loosely), NBC may want to consider reinserting Madonna on a cross, if only to allow Aaron Sorkin to write another almost funny bit about Christianity. Of course, as we all remember, Madonna already did the flogging reenactment years ago.

Is She Gone Yet? Award
I am an unabashed fan of Scarlett Johansson. I freely admit this. By the same token, isn't it time for her to take a bit of a break and let some other starlets soak up some silver screen time? Seriously, it seems like ever since Lost in Translation, she's had a movie in theaters almost every week. With The Prestige opening today, she adds another one to her belt. Future projects include another 17,203 films, guest appearances on every television show ever created (watch for her appearance in episode three of "I Love Lucy") and black market slave trades.

Well, that wraps up yet another week of awards. Thanks for joining us yet again as we stomp our way through the world's events. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

When life imitates art

It almost seems like a publicity stunt orchestrated to drum up viewership for Borat when it finally hits theaters this fall. Of course, many would say that Borat doesn't need any further stunts, due to a large pre-built fanbase on the internet, but Snakes on a Plane proved that being an online fan doesn't necessarily mean your seat will be in the theater when the movie opens.

Anyways, back to the incident that seems too ridiculous to be true. Apparently, the Kazakhstan central bank has made a slight error in printing their 2,000 and 5,000 tenge notes. The error? They misspelled the word "bank".

Of course, this mistake could lead to Borat making a press statement, talking about how the new, incorrect notes are better for the making of love purchase to one's sister's cow. The Kazakh president is already urging the bank to not distribute the money, which will be put into distribution and then slowly phased out through November.

Let me get this right. Kazakhstan is fighting to keep Borat from being screened worldwide, fearful of how they might be portrayed. They even enlisted the help of GDub, the great Decider, in trying to stop this pervasive influence from spreading, proving that, even overseas, politicians don't get humor. And then they misspell "bank".

This seems so far out of left field, that's it's almost too improbable to be true. And yet, it is. Of course, this is all just prior to the announcement that the Kazakh's have invited Sasha Baron Cohen to visit Borat's "homeland", giving themselves to prove that they aren't the backwards nation that he is portraying them to be. If they're really smart, they'll even offer to pay him for the extra publicity.

Possibly even in misprinted currency.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

As the world turns

It almost sounds like something coming from the pages of a comic book. Heck, it sounds an awful lot like the premise behind NBC's Heroes, although not quite as super-powered. Scientists have published a recent study that shows that, eventually, the human race could split into two main subspecies.

Of course, the eventually that these scientists are talking about is around 100,000 years in the future.

Dr. Oliver Curry, the leading researcher behind the study, is already guessing that, within the next thousand years or so, the genetically blessed are going to average between six and seven feet tall, and be more physically attractive, more intelligent, and more creative than the genetic underclass. The cause behind all of this? Dr. Curry is blaming sexual selection, the process of being a little selective about who we procreate with, as opposed to just grabbing the first person we see at last call.

Aside from wondering exactly how this applies to people now, the other question that's being begged is, hasn't this already started happening, to an extent? Don't we already have a genetic upper- and lower-class? After all, look at a good portion of the celebrities we have out there. There are people who are famous simply because they look good. There are others who are equally famous for how horrible they look (Parisite Hilton springs to mind). And we most definitely have a genetic lower-class. One needs look no further than West Virginia to see that truth brought brutally to the forefront.

Of course, Dr. Curry makes bold predictions that, if people continue to be selective about their breeding patterns, we will eventually be left with race of square-jawed men and women with perky breasts, to combat the race of deformed "goblins" that are left behind. As we all know well, thanks to Peter Jackson, these differences will lead to war, a war that can only be finished by one of the goblins throwing the one ring made from the sinews of Emperor for Eternity GDub into the fires of Mt. Everest. Or Kilimanjaro.

Or the goblin will put on the ring and believe itself to be invisible, all while attacking any foreign country that looks at him sideways.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Iron oxidized

Does anyone remember Mike Tyson? The guy that beat up Robin Givens, tried to chew off another boxer's ear, and allegedly threw a television while in prison on a number of different charges? The man with a voice higher than Michael Jackson's, but with anger issues severe enough that nobody would mention it to his face? The guy who formerly went around as "Iron" Mike... who is now coming out of retirement (of sorts) to box for charity.

This actually may not be the worst idea that Tyson has ever had. After all, people will pay huge fees to watch men years past their prime try to knock each other out (I'm looking at you, George Foreman). And the mere notion of being able to see Tyson on pay-per-view has many that remember his glory years salivating over their credit cards, just waiting to be able to tune in the channel. Nevermind that Tyson himself said that the fights are probably only going to last around four rounds (the same time it took Uwe Boll to knock out four critics) during a press conference, and that his first "opponent" will be his former sparring partner. That's right, folks. Cough up the dough to watch Tyson beat on the guy he used to practice with.

But the scariest part, and the part that shows Tyson as being almost out of touch enough to get a job in the Bush White House, is that "Iron" Mike is also entertaining the notion of taking on women during his "World Tour". Tyson himself seems to think that the years of whispering sweet nothings to his opponent while chewing on the cartilege of the ear are far behind him. And even though Tyson is hoping to face-off against women who are professional boxers, like Ann Wolfe (21-1, 15KO), he has to realize the dangerous ground he's already stepped into by merely suggesting it.

Although, if Tyson really does want to box against a woman, I've got a couple of names I'd throw his way. Tonya Harding and Courtney Love could probably do a bit of a number of the big guy, especially if Courtney proposed, or Tonya had a tire iron. As for the dream match-up, the one that would get my hard earned dollars? I'd pay to see Mike Tyson take on Janet Reno. We all know that Reno's got the reach, and a killer hook. Just ask Bill....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Doing it again

The controversy surrounding ABC's decision to air "The Path to 9/11" is still fresh in our minds. After all, the docudrama had more drama than docu in it, and plenty of facts were either ignored outright, or twisted in such a way that the Bush Administration didn't shoulder any of the blame for what happened. In fact, the apparent only cause of the events of 9/11 was the Clinton White House, at least according to scriptwriter Cyrus Nowrasteh.

Now there is word that Nowrasteh is being asked to pen his second script on the nature of 9/11, this time for Paramount Pictures and the always controversial Oliver Stone. Nowrasteh is being asked to adapt the book "Jawbreaker", a story which once again praises GDub while attacking Clinton for the fact that bin Laden is still a free man.

This should really come as no surprise. After all, Oliver Stone loves to find controversay and conspiracy wherever he can. He's also become the recent champion for America's resolve, as "World Trade Center" proves. The fact that he should make the attempt to combine those two ideals into one picture is not surprising in the least. Paramount is also not a shock as a willing partner, because, well, controversy brings in the viewers, generally. The studio should make money on this deal, and that's the biggest concern for most movie studios. Lastly, we have Nowrasteh, but the man has already changed history once with a screenplay, so why not keep going?

Looking into the future, I think we can safely assume that Nowrasteh will continue re-writing history from a conservative bent, including telling of how the fighting in Iraq and North Korea's nuclear potential can be traced back to the Clinton administration. Of course, after 2008, when GDub is replaced as President, I'm sure that will somehow be blamed on Clinton and the Democrats as well.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2006

Welcome back to another round of our weekly awards. Let's get this ball rolling.

ZOMG! P4wnz3d n00b! Teh sux0rz! Award
To everyone involved in the ongoing Foley instant message scandal. It's almost like none of these people have ever seen the internet (which, as we were all informed over the summer, is a series of tubes). Recent information points out that the FBI would have been involved in this investigation a lot earlier, but they were busy pretending to be 16 year old girls, thereby dropping the ball.

Freudian Slip of the Tongue Award
This goes out to Keith Olbermann, for saying exactly what most of America was thinking regarding the Paris Hilton/Shanna Moakler "fight", but doing it through captions. Unfortunately, Keith seems to have forgotten that he's on MSNBC, and not on ESPN or even Comedy Central. Ultimately, Mr. Olbermann may be in trouble with FOXNews, who is upset that they didn't come up with the "A Slut and Battery" angle first. Well, O'Reilly did, but he settled out of court.

And They Didn't Even Buy Dinner Award
This goes out to Christopher Shays (R-Conn, Bridgeport), who defended the actions taken at Abu Ghraib prison as not torture, but instead a "sex ring". Rep. Shays also believes that shooting someone is not attempted murder, but a simple game of laser tag gone a little wild.

Stand By Your Man Award
This goes out to GDub, for standing firmly in the idea that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is a boon to not only the GOP, but to the country as a whole. The Decider was quoted as saying, "He's not one of these Washington politicians who spews a lot of hot air. He just gets the job done." Thankfully, this statement is coming from an authority on spewing a lot of hot air.

Understating the Obvious Award
This award goes out to new British army chief Gen. Richard Dannatt, who was recently commenting that the presence of British forces is provoking violence in Iraq, not stemming the tide. Other things that Dannatt has been quoted as saying are, "the polar ice caps are bloody cold," and "the English like their tea."

Me, Too Award
We give this to Madonna, for attempting to be more like Angelina Jolie and adopting a Malawian baby. In an obvious publicity stunt, the Material Girl ensured that plenty of "news" organizations knew of her every move planning to adopt. It is somewhat heartening to hear that the 1 year-old child has already taken to referring to Kabbalah as, "better than scientology, but just as wacky."

Private Parts Award
The RNC recently made a goof, and let slip a list of personal information for top GOP donors in an email to the New York Sun, amongst others. This causes many to wonder about the security precautions being taken by the party who has championed extra security measures since 2001. As for the reporter who received the email, they did the noble thing, and of course made a point of setting up interviews with some of the people on the list. Other measures the RNC has taken include setting all telephones to the "speaker phone" option, and offering the eBay accounts of top donors to other top donors.

Black Like Me Award
We hand this to Angelina Jolie, for her insistence on refusing to accept the notion that black-face stopped being popular decades ago. Jolie is slated to play Mariane Pearl, who is half-black, in an upcoming movie. To help the film, they've even darkened Jolie's naturally pale skin tone. This casting move is being followed by news that Danny Glover will be playing Brendan Behan in a film about the Irish dramatist. There's also rumors that Britney Spears is being talked to about playing someone with class.

Queer Eye for the Commander Guy Award
We grant this award to NBC's Kevin Corke, who was able to get the Decider to compliment his fashion sense by wearing a pinstripe suit in the press corps. It's nice to know that, with the threat of North Korea looming around the corner and scandal bursting out all over Washington, D.C., GDub can still take some time out of his busy schedule to admire another man's suit. Looks like the Fab Five may have a sixth in a couple of years.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Sure, there was a lot more that happened, but our brains our fried. Chalk it up to being Friday the 13th. Avoid black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors, and stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Presidential poker

No, we're not talking about Thomas Jefferson, John Kennedy, or William Clinton. We're actually talking about a president making reference to the card game. I know, I know, sometimes the double entendre is just too easy not to miss, but I forgive your enthusiasm for more sex jokes.

Moving on... apparently the Decider could really benefit from watching some of the World Poker Tour on The Travel Channel. Heck, he could probably benefit from watching any house game of cards that involves silly variants made up on the spot to benefit the dealer. I'm sure both of his daughters are fluent in the game, although they probably stick to the strip variety.

Why should GDub learn more about poker? Because, in a recent quote, talking about trying to resolve the issues with North Korea, Bush said "one has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." While it's true that, in negotiations, the more people supporting your views, the more strength you have, the same just doesn't hold for any sort of card game. It's like the Decider was trying to say that if you happen to have a jack-high straight, and three other people also have a jack-high straight, you've got a higher chance to win than if you are the only one with those cards.

To be fair, poker is a game that can be very confusing for a lot of people, because of the skill, luck, and intricacy involved in playing it. To be beyond fair, I think it's safe to say that GDub gets confused by playing games of "War" with people (the card game, not the sudden attack on foreign armies).

Maybe it would be best if he just stuck to playing "Go Fish". Unfortunately, then someone would need to convince him to leave his rod and reel at home.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Doppleganger Effect

Ned Lamont, in response to being labeled by the Joe Lieberman campaign as being in incredibly negative politician, has taken an interesting tactic towards trying to secure himself the election. Apparently, Lamont has dug up some archival footage to use in his most recent campaign ads. The star of that archival footage? None other than a younger Joe Lieberman.

The footage that Lamont is using shows Lieberman back in 1988, as he talks about the things he will do differently from then-incumbent Lowell P. Weicker, Jr. Of course, over the course of the next 18 years (exactly the amount of time Weicker spent in office, coincidentally), Lieberman wasn't quite able to stand by his word, and Lamont is looking to exploit that.

This can only speak well for the future of political campaigning. Just think, we could see a young Katherine Harris speaking out against the exact standards candidate Katherine Harris currently stands by. We could witness a childhood Barack Obama extolling the virtues of his hard upbringing and struggle for acceptance. And we could see Hillary Clinton from the days where she was still considered a woman.

The tragedy, of course, is not that this type of campaigning wasn't being used in 2004 as heavily. No, the tragedy is that, had we seen a younger, coke-fueled GDub used in a Kerry ad, it would only have served to support his already fractured policies and global initiatives.

But at least we have Tony Snow to remind us that the full blame for the North Korea situation rests with North Korea. To think that the Decider could have done things differently to affect the current outcome is just "silly".

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A silver lining

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the longest, darkest times in our storied history as a nation has finally come to a close. The sun is shining, children are rejoicing in the streets, and puppies and kittens are peacefully co-existing, all while we sip wine no longer made bitter.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again.

This news can only serve to bring joy to our hearts, as the two anorexia-fueled celebutantes can finally put aside the rough patch of their lives where they didn't acknowledge each other (to be fair, they were probably simply standing perpendicular to each other, consequently making them invisible to the naked eye) and move on to more important things, like the creation of Simple Life 6. I know that a great many of us were worried that this facsimile of a friendship was doomed when the two first started fighting, and we all had fears that neither girl would be able to keep their ice cubes down for too long, because of the anger boiling inside of them. But this tragedy has passed, and we as a nation can once again rejoice.

Of course, it is entirely possible that the Parisite started seeing the miniscule fan base she has crumbling around her, amidst DUIs and interesting baggies, and threw a bone at Nicole (not a real one... she wouldn't want to knock the poor girl down) to have the two reunite for another season of their insipid "reality" show. Nicole, somehow still the least talented and yet most famous Richie, of course accepted the offer, oddly seeing Paris as a giant walking hot dog covered in mustard.

Great. Now how am I going to get THAT image out of my head.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Survey says

Oh, Florida. How we love your wacky politicians, and the things that they do.

True, for the most part "wacky politicians" refers specifically to Katherine Harris, the woman who single-handedly helped GDub win the election the first time. The woman who pledged to bankrupt herself if need be to win the election, neglecting to mention large piles of money sitting around waiting for her to grab should she glimpse just shy of six figures. The woman who has had numerous problems keeping staffers working on her campaign. The woman who has won the race for Florida's Senate seat.

But wait. Isn't the election not until November? How can she possibly have already declared victory over her opponent, Bill Nelson?

See, in the world of Florida politics, sometimes you don't need to wait for those nagging election results to come in. Sometimes, all you need to do is decide that polls actually determine the winner, and then move forward as though everything's already been predetermined. That's how it was done back in 2000, and by God, if it was good enough for GDub, it's good enough for Katherine Harris.

This, of course, means that Florida can now rest easy, knowing that they've helped pave the way to a late October that is missing negative campaign ads. If only every other state in the Union could just get on board with this philosophy. Why, if Florida can do it, why can't New Hampshire? Or Oregon? By following this simple procedure, we can feel secure that the grand experiment called democracy can once and for all reach an end result.

Or, we can relish the fact that opinion polls simply measure opinions, and that the election is still undecided.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 2, 2006

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's get this thing rolling.

Stopping the Buck Award
The recipient of this award is one Dennis Hastert, leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. When the Foley scandal was announced, Hastert quickly said that he accepts responsibility. But not at the cost of his job, no matter what others may say. Hastert also accepts personal responsibility for the scuff in the door of your car, so long as it doesn't affect his insurance quote, and the high price of caviar.

I Want It All Award
To Google, Inc. for making plans to purchase YouTube for the price of $1.6B. This would ultimately be a win-win for both companies, as YouTube would gain Google's infrastructure, and Google would gain a wealth of videos showcasing people smacking themselves in the crotch.

Backdoor Fundraising Award
This goes out to VP Cheney, for his efforts to covertly raise money for George Allen. This comes shortly after much of the GOP turned their backs on Allen and his racially charged history. When asked for comment, the VP said, "What? He's white and he's not gay. What's the big deal?"

How Bad is Bad Award
We give this award to Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania) for running a television commercial admitting an affair, but denying having abused his mistress. Sherwood's next commercial will be an admission of having taken LSD, but denying having climbed a tree thinking he was a flying squirrel while on it.

Maybe a Few Left Behind Award
This goes out to Neil Bush, brother of the Decider, for seeing a marketing opportunity within the No Child Left Behind Act. He's rolling out packages containing curriculums that are purported to help students pass the NCLB tests. The biggest shame is that GDub himself needed two of the "curriculums on wheels" to get 50% on the testing.

How Low Can You Go Award
This award is presented to the Vatican, and specifically to Pope Benedict XVI, for the notion currently swirling around regarding the elimination of the concept of Limbo, thereby changing centuries of Catholic doctrine. The unbaptized babies of the Limbo plane are currently organizing a revolution to rename the entire place The People's Republic of Limbo.

We'll Clean That Up in Post Award
FOXNews is the winner of this particular prize for their coverage during the O'Reilly Factor concerning former congressman Mark Foley. During a live broadcast, FOXNews identified the Republican as having been a Democrat. Not to wind up with egg on their faces over the incident, they repaired their mistake... by leaving all signifiers off for the rebroadcast. To be fair, CNN has taken to referring to Joe Lieberman as a Republican.

Better Homes and Hair Award
This award goes to Bill Clinton and Jon Bon Jovi, for joining forces to help rebuild neighborhoods in Philadelphia. This is a good sign for the city of Philadelphia, and shows that some celebrities are willing to give back to the community. In other news, neighborhood bars have been packed with young hopefuls, expecting to "give back" a little of their own to the former President and/or Bon Jovi frontman.

That's all we've got for this week, folks. Tune in next week as we return to our full schedule. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's no Weekend Update

Truth be told, it's far better than the Saturday Night Live mainstay. It's actually funny, and according to a recent study, it's just as good at getting out substantial news as most other news programs.

All of this is big praise for The Daily Show, the program which saw its host appear on Crossfire and label them "bad for America". When Tucker Carlson fired back, Stewart pointed out that his show is a comedy newscast, and that it's following a show featuring puppets. However, according to the study published by Indiana University, it looks like the joke may finally be on the major news programs.

Admittedly, the study focuses on the Presidential Election of 2004, but it does carry a resounding rebuttal for any news pundit who wants to dismiss the house that Stewart built out of hand because of its place on Comedy Central. After all, if The Daily Show can be as substantial as the nightly newscasts, what could this hold for the future of television news?

Will we see Katie Couric start bantering with a studio audience while she reads about the White House? How about Brian Williams getting one of his reporters to stand in front of a green-screen in place of being on location, replete with jokes about the action purportedly taking place? And can we really be that far from the debut of "The Lauer Hauer", where the Today show co-host plays the part of an Olbermann-like pundit, complete with his take-off on the "Worst Persons in the World"?

The study is rather heartening, by showcasing that not only can the news be funny, but it can also be incredibly informative at the same time. If this particular trend continues, and Stewart can keep the reins of the show firmly in hand, perhaps The Daily Show will assume the title of "The Most Trusted Name in News". Then, in honor of the great comedy newscasters that have come before, Jon will be forced to call the title an "ignorant slut".

Ultimately, this bodes well for the world. Perhaps this means that we're starting to take ourselves less seriously. At the very least, it lets us know that we can.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Finally, a worthwhile lawsuit

In a world where we see frivolous lawsuits all of the time, ranging from the woman who burned herself with McDonald's coffee to the garbage disposal company suing NBC for an appearance in Heroes, it's nice to know that there are still, every once in awhile, lawsuits that make sense, and are completely valid.

Even though In-Sink-Erator's isn't, the lawsuit being filed by Steve Howards is. Howards is suing a Secret Service agent for placing him under arrest. Before you start jumping to the conclusion that this is another frivolous lawsuit, realize that Howards was arrested for criticizing VP Cheney's policies with regards to Iraq. In fact, what Howards allegedly said was, "I think your policies in Iraq are reprehensible". The Secret Service agent arrested Howards, accusing him of assaulting the VP. Howards is suing over violation of his Fourth Amendment rights, and for having his First Amendment rights infringed upon.

This incident only serves to underline the overall perspective that the GDub Administration has held since taking office. They are above criticism. Anyone who disagrees with them is stepping close to treason. And nobody has batted an eye.

That is, until Steve Howards stood up. Of course, the chances of this story making larger headlines are fairly slim. While many media outlets may hold no love for the current administration, they also know where their bread is buttered. Cheney and GDub have coasted through their time in power with very few strong detractors, and many of those detractors have been quick to switch sides to attack the Democrats if it serves to help the Decider in his policies.

Which begs the question, which is the bigger crime? Is it worse to trample all over the Constitution, the founding document of this nation, simply to perpetuate your own views and ideologies? Or is it worse to stand idly by, refusing to raise serious criticisms of these actions for fear that you could lose funding?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Bored stiff at the Capitol

Representative Mark Foley (R-FL), who resigned on Friday amidst a flurry of questions regarding messages he sent to pages, has seen more of his personal life come out recently. Apparently, while waiting for a vote on the House Floor, Foley was texting away like mad, quite possibly using only one hand, in communications with underage former pages. The instant messages that Foley was sending were, while not sexually explicit, at least indicative of sexual desire.

Of course, Friday all that had come to light was some emails. And then the word that the GOP had actually warned pages about Foley back in 2001. Now the instant message situation, complete with information that Foley may very well be continuing to sign on to these clients under the same screen name, all while under investigation from the FBI. All of this leads to one question.

Is it really that dull to be a member of the House of Representatives? I mean, sure, I've watched it on C-SPAN a couple of times, and it was a great cure for insomnia on the television. But shouldn't being there actually make it a little more interesting? Doesn't the notion of leading the country and helping to govern it provide enough excitement?

And how did C-SPAN not get footage of someone furiously having cybersex? I mean, maybe they just had too much Strom Thurmond over their broadcast history, but shouldn't they at least have tried to capture something? Maybe for release. Just think of it. Representatives Gone Wild would be a great title.

This was classic Jerry Springer-era television in the making, and C-SPAN missed out. No wonder they always lag in the Nielsen ratings.