Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Sometimes it isn't about safety. Sometimes, other factors are brought into play. Mind you, when people are asked to remove items from their yards like swimming pools and trampolines, it really is a safety issue, simply because of the dangers possible, even with proper use.

Not this time, though. A family in Wicklow, Essex has been asked to remove their trampoline because their housing association sees a different risk. They seem to think that burglars could use it to access other houses in the neighborhood.

It should be noted that the trampoline is only three feet wide, and one foot high.

Look, unless your potential burglar has also competed in the past in the NBA's Slam Dunk Competition, a trampoline that size is going to do one thing. It's going to get them about a foot off of the ground. It certainly isn't going to propel them through the air, giving them that extra five feet of vertical leap that they might be looking for to get into that easily opened window. In fact, in most cases, if the burglar really wanted something to give them a little extra reach, they could probably find something a little taller and more secure than a child's trampoline.

But it's good to know that the housing association wants people on the lookout for Spud Webb and sports mascots.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Two all-beef patties, special arrest, lettuce, cheese

We've all been upset at fast food workers. After all, it's not an uncommon thing for one of them to mess up what seems to be a simple order. Of course, when you've worked on the other side of things, you know that sometimes, the odds are stacked against you. When there's a huge tangle of people all trying to get their meal, shouting about how they want their change given back, and the added pressure of knowing that your minimum wage job won't actually give you enough of a reason to really care, it can be tough.

Which is why we find it ridiculous that someone went out of their way to complain about a change situation at a McDonald's in Oregon. And by "out of their way", we mean that they called 911.

But they didn't just call once. Oh no, they called multiple times, because they felt that the restaurant had robbed them. The claim was that they'd paid for an order with $10, and only got the equivalent of $2 worth of food back. So they were upset about the $8 discrepancy, and, after arguing with the drive-thru clerk, decided to take it to a higher authority. Most people would demand to talk to a manager, and the situation would probably have been resolved. Instead, the customer ended up under arrest for misusing 911.

Listen, this obviously needs to be repeated. You can't call 911 because you didn't get the right amount of change back, or because you received cold food, or because a store was out of stock on the DVD you wanted to buy. That's just not how it works.

Besides, by going to most fast food restaurants, you've already agreed to pay for something with the nutritional value (and sometimes the flavor) of cardboard. You may as well just write off the entire experience as a loss.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

My evil twin

Coming up with an alibi for something has got to be tough. After all, it seems like plenty of criminals get tripped up by this particular detail. They may meticulously plan out the crime, down to intricate floor plans that they'll never actually need to use, but when it comes to an alibi, they seem to drop the ball.

Take, for example, a Kalamazoo, MI man who went to the police with cuts on his arms, pretty obviously from broken glass. When asked what happened, he proceeded to relate a story about witnessing a burglary, and following the criminal inside, all in the effort to perform some sort of a citizen's arrest.

His main problem? The description he gave for the burglar was strikingly like his own description, down to the clothes he was wearing. Yes, he basically snitched on himself.

Before you wonder, no, this wasn't a case of the man's guilty conscience coming back to bite him, unless it did so in one of the weirdest ways fathomable. Instead, the man, who was drunk at the time he reported to the police, simply couldn't come up with a description other than the one he could see in a mirror. And he wasn't even trying to turn himself in. He was just trying to play the part of a good citizen, and let the police know what had happened. If only that damning evidence hadn't gotten in the way.

Seriously, people, it just isn't that hard. Sure, you may be lying, and your lie may have more holes than Swiss cheese, but at least give it a little effort. After all, if you're going to go to the lengths involved to commit a crime, the least you could do is give the false perpetrator a different skin tone, hair color, and change the type of shirt they were wearing.

At least give them a goatee. It is the internationally recognized symbol for evil.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

This is inertia!

It's generally a good rule of thumb to avoid arguments with the homeless. Sure, you can often end the entire argument with, "Oh yeah? Well I sleep indoors," it's often considered bad form to do so, and, ultimately, there's no real victory to be had. Besides, you never really know when they'll snap and attack. While that can happen with any argument, stereotypically speaking, it's more likely when one of the verbal sparrers is living on the streets.

Now, picture what can take place when both of the people in the argument are homeless. For added surreal viewing, picture that the argument is over quantum physics, and it ends with a skateboard to the face.

We just can't imagine it, really. Not because we can't picture two homeless people knowing enough about physics to argue quantum concepts, but mostly because we ourselves don't really have that firm of a grasp on the field, and don't think we'd be able to hold our own in such an argument. Without that knowledge base, we just feel like we're missing out. In fact, the only thing that could have made this story more bizarre to us would have been if they were not just arguing about quantum physics, but were doing so in Latin.

Still, we do have to wonder exactly what set the first man off. Did the second man call him and his mother entangled entities? Was there some sort of double slit joke made off-handedly?

Maybe they were just experimenting with Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, and things went wrong.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Right time

There are right times and right places for everything. Sometimes, those two magical "rights" combine, and give people the opportunity to take part in something that they might not have had any other chance to do.

Take, for example, the police. Most of the time that the cops are involved in stopping a crime, they're actually trying to pick up the pieces after the crime has already been committed. Not so for a couple of cops in Austin, TX, as they were able to get their criminals practically before they could do anything. Sure, it helped that the cops were staking out the building the criminals decided to try robbing, but that's besides the point.

Honestly, these things don't happen all that frequently. And sure, the cops weren't there trying to watch for robbery, but they still benefited from good timing on their part. Of course, we've been permanently scarred by the movies, so our image of a stakeout also involves high-powered binoculars, plenty of fast food wrappers, and a veritable horde of coffee cups sitting in the back seat, but we're sure that even movie cops would be happy with this particular piece of police work.

Someone else that was rewarded by being in the right place at the right time is someone who just wanted some french fries, but didn't really want to pay for them. So he just ran past a drive-thru window and grabbed them as they were being passed to the person who'd actually placed the order. It should be noted that, on top of this already admittedly daring deed, the thief did the entire thing while running naked.

Hey, man. Sometimes you just have to have fries. We only wonder if the guy had to go back to get more salt.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Calling all cars

What do you do when you're trying to get somewhere, but another vehicle is blocking you in? Most people would probably ask (politely or not) for said vehicle to move. Now what if that vehicle is a police car? Again, most people would ask for the car to move, and they might, depending on their views of the police, adopt a different waiting stance.

But neither of those applied to a woman in Syracuse, NY. She found her vehicle blocked by a squad car, so she ordered it to move. When it didn't, largely because the officers were responding to a call, she dialed 911 to report the problem.

Oh yeah. And then she keyed the car.

Listen, we understand that people have places to go, and that, in our fast-paced world, sometimes waiting those extra few minutes can seem like the end of the world. But that's still no excuse for keying a cop car. And, as for dialing 911, we almost wonder if she was trying to get another squad car into her neighborhood so that she'd have a second target.

But really, she should have dialed a non-emergency line. The police just hate when you call 911 over something trivial.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 15, 2009

Alright. We're stepping back into the pool. We needed some time away after the realization that the LOLcats have become popular enough to get their own musical, and now we're ready to tackle the day's awards. So, before we start foaming at the mouth again, let's just get rolling.

C-12 Award
The United States and North Korea may be about to embark on a life-size game of Battleship, complete with sinking vessels. According to reports, a North Korean ship will be getting met part way by a US destroyer, because the North Koreans may be using their vessel to transport nuclear weaponry. Odds are good that any attempt to board the vessel will turn the whole thing into a life-size game of Risk. Doesn't anybody ever play Connect Four, anymore? Pretty sneaky, Kim Jong-Il.

No Delicates Award
Have you ever wanted a washing machine that could potentially open up portals to other dimensions? If so, and if you have a fat enough wallet, you can fulfill that dream. Of course, you'd have to buy it off of the guy who just purchased it for over $5000. For that price, it better be willing to separate lights and darks all by itself.

Robbed Award
How often have you found yourself in the middle of a potential drug deal, only to have the dealer pull a gun and take all of your money? Never? Well, that's just what happened to a Florida man, who then called the police on his dealer in an attempt to get back what he'd lost. No word on which green the victim would rather receive for his troubles.

Money Unlaundered Award
If you rob a bank, what do you do with all of the ink-stained bills? If you're like a Chicago man looking for an easy way through these tough economic times, you learn the hard way that you shouldn't just try and deposit that money into other banks. If only there were some term for cleaning money, and removing anything that could trace it back to some specific illegal activity.

Stuck with a Stick Award
How embarrassing is it to get into a car, only to realize that it has a manual transmission, and you don't know how to drive stick shift? Generally not too bad. Now what if you're in the middle of making a get-away attempt, and you had to try and steal the car to complete your escape? Come on, people. If you really need to commit a crime, can't you be a little more selective about your escape vehicles, and take time to find one that you can actually get moving?

*Twitch Twitch* Award
This has almost driven us back into hiding, but we will endure. Apparently, some (former) music channels are compiling lists of "defining moments" for graduates from the class of 2009. Some selections include the election of Barack Obama, and the issue of gay marriage. Also on the list? Twilight. If only they were talking about the time of day.

Attack of the Cats Award
No, this isn't another reference to yesterday's news. This is a story coming out of the United Kingdom about what might be stopping postmen from making their appointed rounds. Not rain, nor sleet, nor any of that other weather stuff. It's a 6-month old kitten. After all, once a kitten has gotten a taste for human flesh, they simply can't be stopped. Not without a small dosage of catnip.

Well, with that mention of cats, we're going to close up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more disturbing news that even makes us cringe a bit. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Say it isn't true

First, they attacked our beloved internet, spreading like wildfire across the web. Then they moved on to our libraries and bookstores, furthering their plot to destroy any semblance of literacy across the globe. Now, they have their next target well within their sights.

The LOLCats are taking to the stage.

Even worse, to continue in the grand tradition of making musicals for things that don't need music (Spiderman, Octomom, Reese Witherspoon movies), it's a freaking musical. Yes, this means that soon, people will be singing and dancing to music written in LOL-ese.

Yeah. We're just going to hide from the rest of the 'net today. After all, we're afraid if we keep looking, we'll find something worse, and we're just not sure the world can take it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pulling a fast one

So, between these two scenarios, which one's worse? Would you rather get arrested for attempting to defraud millions from the government, or after a high-speed chase? Before you answer, we should probably touch on each story.

In the first, we see a man who was dedicated to his effort. In fact, not only did he try to claim that he was owed a ten million dollar refund from the IRS, but he also made attempts to secure another fourteen trillion more. Of course, it should be noted that this is the same IRS who happens to get employment information on American citizens, and monitors exactly how much they pay in through their taxes over the course of the year, so perhaps this little effort wasn't the best planned scam he could have come up with. In fact, other scams that tend to work better include, but are not limited to, pretending to be Nigerian royalty, or actually being an American automobile company.

Meanwhile, the second story does revolve around a high-speed chase. After all, the person being chased was a repeat offender, and needed to be apprehended. What was that repeat offense? What made them such a dangerous criminal that the police had to pull out all of the stops and possibly endanger others just to take this menace off of the street? He was stealing shoes. But wait, these shoes cost upwards of $200 per pair. Totally worth the danger, and it makes perfect sense why this high-speed chase would be pursued all the way into New Orleans.

Aw, who are we kidding. We'd rather be either of those two than the police who have to explain WHY they chased someone over a pair of shoes.

Although they still rank higher than meeting anyone from "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Seeing stars

We like tattoos. We definitely feel that personal images etched into the skin have a place, and, in many ways, tattoos allow people to express things without using words. Sure, there are times where we see tattoos that make us cringe, and other body modification doesn't make a lot of sense to us, but we definitely support the right for people to make those decisions and make those changes.

But that doesn't mean that we aren't going to be willing to make fun of someone who's done something silly. Like getting a few stars tattooed onto their face.

Of course, in this case, the person ended up with over fifty stars, after claiming that they only requested three. They also claim that they fell asleep during the tattooing, and woke up to something resembling a galaxy imprinted into their skin. So, as is the natural turn of events, the woman is now suing her tattoo artist.

Here's the thing, though. We know that everyone's different, but we've talked to quite a few people that have tattoos, and the most common response tends to be that any area that's closer to bone tends to be more sensitive. Given that much of the face tends to be very close to the skull, especially around an eyebrow ridge, it would lend belief to the idea that this area would definitely spike pain higher. If the woman honestly was able to fall asleep through the procedure, what with the buzzing near her ear and the repeat stabbings of needles into her face, then she should be commended for being able to sleep through anything. And she may actually have an argument that the facial art may jeopardize future opportunities for her.

But, well, any facial ink tends to do that. Even three stars, which she claims was her order, is enough to put potential employers, love interests, and random passersby, off from the idea of getting to know the person underneath. So while we can see her argument, and are not horribly surprised that she's suing, we also don't think she has much of a leg to stand on.

Now, if the tattoo artist had linked the stars to make constellations, there might be a different story here.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Paying for crime

What do you do when you find yourself getting charged $45 every time you get arrested? A normal person might consider not committing crimes. After all, those $45 charges can really add up, and they probably get irritating after the first or second.

Obviously, however, a Kansas woman doesn't fall into the category of "normal person". After all, instead of not committing crimes, she's decided that her best course of action is to complain about the charges. Oh, and not pay one, which resulted in a larger fine. In fact, she refers to the charge as a "user fee".

How many different things are wrong with this. First off, being sent to prison isn't really something that a lot of people want to do. It's not like visiting an amusement park, or even going to a cyber-coffee house. Those places can charge user fees because their services are in demand from the regular public. A jail? With rare exception, the people that end up behind bars really don't want to be there. Sure, you may not believe that when you find out what they did to get locked up in the first place, but it's a pretty safe bet that many of them would rather be free, running around on a beach somewhere.

Secondly, the woman complains because the fee tends to be charged when fingerprints need to be taken. Given her status as a convicted felon, she points out that her fingerprints are already on file and don't need to be taken again. Well, the law actually lists crimes that do require such a procedure, regardless of whether the prints are already catalogued or not. So that kind of deflates her second argument.

Finally, and most importantly, if you don't want to pay the fine, stop committing crimes. Honestly, that would be like Paris Hilton complaining that people think she's just a tramp who'll bounce from bed to bed, without actually changing her patterns of bed-bouncing.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 8, 2009

Here we sit, inching towards the official beginning of summer, wondering where the time has gone. Then we remember that we don't keep a lot of clocks around, and our calendar is still a Dilbert desk version from 2003, and we stop worrying so much. And that's why we've got our awards to keep us rolling right along.

Do You Smell Something? Award
This award is being given to a library in Peoria, Illinois. Seems that the library is looking to expand, but they need to get a little something taken care of, first. That little something? A local graveyard. Peter Venkman and Carol Anne could not be reached for comment.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 1 Award
Think about the worst thing that could happen while using a public restroom. Now that you've moved beyond sitting in a stall next to a lactose-intolerant person at the Cheesecake Factory, we've got a different crappy example for you. How about getting beaten up and robbed while taking care of business? To make matters worse, the stall was out of the soft stuff.

Bathroom on the Right, Vol. 2 Award
Our second bathroom story comes from Massachusetts, where a woman decided to join a man in a port-o-potty. The problem? He had taken out a restraining order against her. She was later found in the same car with the man, and claimed that the two had "worked things out". She also claimed that "nothing nasty" happened, because of fear of falling in. However, simply being in a port-o-potty, alone or with another person, pretty much proves that something nasty did indeed happen. Just think of the smell alone...

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day Award
Actually, no. It's nothing like that. This story actually has some level of irony to it, as an investigator of identity theft has recently become a victim of a crime. That crime? Naturally, identity theft. Don't you think?

Make Like a Tree Award
The old saying is "make like a tree and leaf." Maybe now it'll become "make like a tree and get married to two men". Two Houston conceptual artists are marrying an oak sapling, in their latest performance. We're certain that this marriage will remain evergreen, with beautiful foliage.

Dig Your Own Hole Award
Some people need to dig. Others, like the subject of this article, just need to grunt. What for? Finding worms for bait. Who said that people didn't have enough hobbies?

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with more stories and more bizarre connections. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

*cough cough*

Coming up with excuses to get yourself out of either a ticket or an arrest is a tradition going back, probably, to the first time that someone found themselves either under arrest, or about to receive a ticket. Over the years, people have tried to get more and more inventive with their excuses, as law enforcement has been better at sniffing out the lies and deception.

Of course, when you something gets declared a pandemic right around the time of your own potential arrest, you've got a tailor-made excuse ready and waiting. At least, that's what people in Connecticut thought when they tried to claim that they were being quarantined for swine flu when the cops showed up at their door.

Don't think for a moment that it worked. True, it gave the arrestee some extra precious time to be free, but eventually the police mobilized, got some respiratory masks, and went into the house anyways. They proceeded to take their suspect out, load them into an ambulance, and deliver them to a hospital, just so the whole excuse could be put to the test.

This is why, if you are going to come up with an excuse along these lines, you really need to go all out. Don't just make up a claim that might allow you to avoid legal trouble. Make sure that your claim is fool-proof, and that there's no way the police could be upset with you for stretching the truth. In other words, be committed to your story.

And, darn it, if that means you need to get sick, you go out and get sick. Otherwise you'll probably just look foolish.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Taking pride

People need to take pride in their work. Of course, when that work is of an illegal nature, maybe a little less pride should be taken, but still, you have to be able to look on the things that you create like a parent.

That's why it's both good and bad for an Argentine man who was recently found innocent of counterfeiting. Not that he wasn't trying to create false money, just that he was so bad at it, nobody would ever be fooled by the bills.

On one hand, the man definitely should think that he's getting away lucky. After all, counterfeiting isn't really a crime that is looked upon too favorably by the court system. It's certainly not like jaywalking, which often gets written up with a warning at most. The man could have easily been looking at years in prison, at the very least.

On the flip side, though, he has to be a bit chagrined about the whole thing. Not only did he get brought in before a judge, but then he was told that he wasn't even good enough to fool random store clerks. That would be like someone discovering that a modern art piece was actually created by a kindergartner. Correction, that would be like someone discovering that a modern art piece was created by a blind kindergartner who failed art for eating too much paint.

We just hope that the man has some other hobbies. We'd suggest he avoid creating things, or any sort of detail-oriented work, though.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

A day late

Alright, so the subject of today's article is more than a day late, but that's besides the point. Calling it a few months late just didn't have the same ring to it. But hey, when you're passionate about something, you should follow through with all the gusto you can manage.

That's what Cindy Sheehan thinks. After all, she spent a good portion of GDub's second term in office protesting over his election, his policies, and the war effort going on overseas. He's been out of office since January, so what is a poor protest-lover to do?

Obviously, the only answer is to gather people and continue the protest outside of his home.

Yes, you read that correctly. From what the article says, it seems like the protest is no longer revolving around what Bush has the power to change, but now it's a protest over all the things that he didn't do while in office. Again, it should be noted that, at this point, he has no power to change anything (in fact, we're never certain that he had any power to begin with). So this protest, aside from potentially upsetting the neighbors of the former President, has little ability to do much of anything. And you can safely bet that it's merely one in a string of protests planned for this particular area of Texas.

Listen, we get being passionate about things. And, to be completely honest, a lot of times the protests that were conducted actually helped to highlight gross injustices. Sure, nothing much got accomplished, but at least people outside of Washington were able see some of these problems and do what they could to try and keep them from happening again. But, at this point, the whole thing just starts to strike as someone who had their fifteen minutes of fame, and refuses to let go.

What's next? Is the Octomom going to pop out a few more kids?

Monday, June 08, 2009

Seriously, just don't

Alright people. We've said this before, and we can't believe that we're finding ourselves saying it again. There are some jobs that it's perfectly acceptable to take a portion of their duties onto yourself. One of those jobs is not the job of a police officer, specifically if that duty is chasing down someone who may or may not be a thief.

Oh, and this should go without saying, but that goes double if the thief stole marijuana from you.

A Pennsylvania man was recently reminded of this truism after he was pulled over for speeding, and subsequently arrested for the amount of drugs still within his car. Oh yes, he was still driving around enough recreational drugs to keep some college kids entertained for awhile, split between baggies full of pot and ecstasy tablets. On the plus side, when he was pulled over by the police, at least he was honest about why he was speeding. Not the brightest bulb, really, but at least he told the truth.

Oddly enough, another somewhat dim bulb came to our attention today as well. But hey, why should we expect the Department of Energy to be able to hold themselves to their own rigorous energy conservation rules?

After all, those rules are tough, man.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 1, 2009

Here we sit, ready for another rousing round of our awards. Why? Because it's June! Well, actually, it's because it's Friday, but we just had to give a little nod to our musical theater-knowledgeable readers. Now that we've done that, let's get the ball rolling.

Wheeeee! Award
What do you do when you live in Wisconsin, have been ordered by a judge not to drink, and you see a neighborhood kid playing with a Slip 'n Slide? If you're a La Crosse woman, you strip down to your underwear, get drunk, and slide away. The woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct. And they say that people in the Upper Midwest don't know how to have a good time.

Well, That Explains the Tickets Award
New York City police did their jobs to the letter by placing parking tickets onto an illegally parked van. In fact, they were able to write tickets for weeks because the van just never moved. Of course, the fact that the driver was dead inside probably helped that. As a note, this may just answer the question of, "What's the least I could do?"

Thanks, Hard-Hitting Journalism Award
We normally reserve our thanks for Science, and it's crazy studies, but today, a newspaper takes the cake. Literally, in this case, as the LA Times has written an entire story about America's love affair... with the cupcake. The article gets special mention for one of the worst rephrasings of a movie quote that we've seen in a long time. It's almost too bad that the reporter's name wasn't "Jesus".

Conceal and (Don't) Carry Award
A mother from Maryland is being extradited from Baltimore after going on the run with her child. Her crime? Concealing a child and violating a custody order, all while putting her son into a health risk. Oh, and it should be mentioned that her son weighs over 500 pounds. David Copperfield still isn't impressed.

Speech! Speech! Same Speech! Award
All across the country, schools are holding graduation ceremonies, during which one lucky student gets to deliver a speech that will be remembered for years, especially by the people who continue to miss school no matter how long they've been away from it. Well, there's a reason why so many graduation speeches are the same, as a recent Florida high school graduate learned, after her original speech was rejected. Apparently, admitting to new graduates that life might not be perfect and rosy just isn't the best plan. You know, unless you're preparing them for a lifetime of reality television.

Make Lemonade Award
People always say the same thing about life and lemons. They very rarely take into account the chances that those lemons are yours because someone threw them at you. A husband had to learn that the hard way after his wife threw lemons at him, causing him to worry that he might get hit by one. In the future, he plans on being prepared, by carrying around butter and a fresh fish.

Wheeeee! Part Two Award
Apparently it just isn't a good idea to tie a sled to the back of your pick-up truck, put your kid on the sled, and then drive around town in white-out conditions. It's an even worse idea to do so right past a police station. Oh, and the worst possible idea? Trying to claim that your six-year-old son pressured you into doing it. Man, kids just don't get to have any fun anymore.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week, as we creep towards the middle point of the year. Enjoy some sunshine, get some lemonade, perhaps the freshly-squeezed variety, and try to remember where your air conditioners are. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 04, 2009


We don't often link to other blogs, but that's just because, normally, we find our news through newspaper or radio websites. Just how we go about our business of finding stories. However, the few times that we stray away from that standard, it had better be worthwhile. And boy howdy, is today's entry worthwhile.

After all, how often do you get to hear about someone suing over crunchberries?

Yes, that's right, folks. A woman actually attempted to sue the makers of Cap'n Crunch cereal for being misleading. As it turns out, this woman claims to have recently learned that the crunchberries advertised in the cereal are nothing more than fruit-flavored cereal balls, and that there's no fruit actually contained. Does it surprise anyone that this lawsuit started in California, or that the attorneys for the woman already tried a previous claim with a different plaintiff trying for a similar route, except targeting Froot Loops?

Look, we could understand if the plaintiff was some child. After all, for plenty of children, there really is a magical cartoon land, populated by a short ship's captain and his friends, as he scours the land far and wide for the wonderful crunchberry fields. There is also a rabbit trying to steal their cereal, a leprechaun who can make common items into marshmallows, and an insane bird who loves chocolate pellets. But for a grown adult to even try to make such an assertion is beyond ludicrous.

Thankfully, the judge for the case was smart, or at least smart enough to spot a frivolous lawsuit right away, and he threw out the argument. Given that the case was revolving around the notion that the cereal was a specific attempt to "mislead the consumer", and given that nobody in their right mind who is also past the age of 15 would believe for a moment that crunchberries were real berries, we're glad the case was thrown out.

This should allow them to get back to prosecuting that burglar from Cookie Crisp.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The family that drinks together

It's nice when families get involved in each other's activities. Sure, there are things that probably shouldn't be done as a team effort, but plenty of other events benefit from having full involvement. Just think, how sad would kids athletics be if the parents didn't ever show up? True, some parents take it a little too far, but at least they're taking an interest in those activities.

This is all just a segue to today's story, about a husband and wife that just had to do something together. A nice little activity for the couple to engage in. True, that activity happened to be drinking and driving, but that's besides the point.

Wait, no, that's the exact point. Not only did they both drink, and then take turns driving, but they didn't switch until one of them had crashed into a tree. And now they have another activity that they can do together.

See, both the husband and the wife were charged with DUI, so now they get a wonderful, no-expense-paid trip to walking around and taking public transportation for the next 60 days.

But hey, this shouldn't cut too severely into their future drinking. Especially since, for two months, they won't have to worry about gas prices.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Maybe it was a land shark

A fair percentage of the population really dislikes door-to-door solicitation. Of course, most people just put up signs in their windows to express this feeling, but a Michigan man decided that he didn't want to be like the rest of the populace. He took a different approach to expressing his displeasure.

He fired a couple of rounds from a rifle.

Don't worry, though. He didn't hit the solicitor. Nobody was hurt in the altercation. We would say that nothing at all happened, except that the resident was able to hit at least one thing with his short barrage.

He shot his own car.

Listen, we totally get that plenty of people don't like to have to deal with door-to-door solicitors, and sure, there are plenty of ways other than simply tacking up a note to express those feelings. Perhaps organizing some sort of prank involving firecrackers would be more in line. Or maybe actually invite them in, and then try to spin the conversation to the point where you're selling them something. But brandishing a weapon seems a bit extreme. Proceeding to actually use that weapon, even just to scare them away, definitely crosses lines.

For crying out loud, at least put the car in the garage first. Paint jobs are expensive.

Monday, June 01, 2009

A (non)working designation

We've all been there. We've all had nights where we go out on the town, tip back a few too many, and need to call a cab to get home. Of course, if we were being visionary, we probably took a cab to get to the bars in the first place, which may also indicate some level of planning towards a truly intoxicated evening. So we're not surprised to see that, even in Canada, this practice is still being used.

Of course, the Canadians in question DID go and surprise us. It wasn't for getting into a cab in the first place. It was for abusing the driver and then crashing the cab into a business.

Listen, folks. There's a reason the cab was called. Sure, you thought it would be fun to fight with each other. After all, one thing that alcohol does is to impair your judgement, especially if you've had a lot of it. And we can even think how you might have thought that, because you were having so much fun with your drunken fight, that maybe the cabbie would want to get involved. But you were wrong, and he decided that you shouldn't be in the cab anymore. We call that a sign. That sign, of course, telling you to take another cab and try and behave. Heck, if need be, stop in another bar and get some of the more belligerent people close to passing out.

But come on, people. When you've needed to rely on a cab to get you from location to location due to your drunkenness, you really shouldn't try and drive it when the cabbie escapes your abuse.

That only works when you're a celebrity.