Friday, May 29, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 25, 2009

It's been a short week here at the CSM. Of course, it's been a short week in many places, what with the Memorial Day holiday. Thankfully, the news has kept us going all week long. So let's get these Memorial Week Awards rolling.

Pepperoni and Pistol Pizza Award
When you're a former mob hit man running a pizza joint, and you have to close your doors, what can you blame it on? Is it the fault of the current economy? Might it have something to with reports that you may have pistol-whipped customers that complained? Nope, it's the media coverage that's scaring people away. Well, you know, that and the large sausage and concussion meal.

Ikea, Ukea, We All Kea Award
Ikea, purveyor of fine "put-it-together-yourself-so-you-can-save-cash" furniture, has a complaint. That complaint is with a website that may be stepping on their toes. But why? Well, aside from the moniker "I love Ikea" in the site name, it is being used to sell strictly used Ikea furniture. The furniture giant is taking the site to court, claiming brand infringement. At the very least, the other site should have given little mustaches to the guys pictured in the Ikea assembly instructions.

Giving the Baby Air Award
We all know the stereotype about dogs on car rides. Sure, they love sticking their head out the window, because they love the wind rush past them. Apparently, a Florida man thought that babies were much the same, and was arrested because of it. Oh, and it should come as no surprise, but drugs were involved. Thankfully, the man got a ticket for not restraining the child. To be fair, he needed the kid free just in case he dropped his joint.

When Not to Brag Award
This has been said before, and by more than just us. If you've committed a crime, don't brag about it. A Virginia man was recently arrested for robbing a bank after he bragged about it on his MySpace page. Wait, people still use MySpace?

Wikibanned Award
Hot on the heels of the news that France is taking the Church of Scientology to court, we now see that Wikipedia has banned all IP addresses associated with the organization from posting on their sites. Yeah, not a whole lot more than that to the article. Oh, other than the flagrant usage of the phrase "wiki-" as a prefix to more words than we previously thought imaginable.

High-Face Award
A Texas school superintendent is in hot water after he tapped a principal on the head. Seems he was giving high-fives to other principals over results from their school testing, and the principal in question didn't raise their hand. She has now filed a police complaint over the "assault", that, it should be noted, could have been avoided if she'd given a high-five back. Listen, lady, there's a reason that "pal" is in the name of your job. Not that we're condoning the head tap... we just like high-fives.

Watch Where You Sit Award
How would you feel if you took your AP exams, and found out that they may be invalid because you sat at the end of the table, instead of on the side? That may happen for students in Oklahoma City. School officials think that the tests should still be valid, but what do they know? They allowed people to sit at the end of the table.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week, with a whole pile of news. That is, of course, unless the world happens to get incredibly boring over the next few days. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Smell the healthy

Fast food restaurants have long been viewed as a place where healthy has little to no place, and somewhat rightly so. After all, when you're preparing food on the quick, grease and fat often are almost necessary. Besides, if people wanted to eat healthier, they probably wouldn't be quite so willing to stop at a place that doesn't even require them to get out of their cars.

But over the last few years, people have been firing back at the fast food joints for not being healthy enough. They're being targeted as one of the main culprits behind the rise in obesity, especially in children. So it's about time that more of the chains started taking that into account, and offering more health-conscious options, at least for their kid's meals.

Well, Burger King has jumped on board, and they may have missed the mark slightly. It seems that they've decided to add the choice of apple slices to their menu, but, well, a few other places do that already. So it's time to be different, and BK is doing it their own way, by making sure that they're giving fried apple slices instead. Oh, and there's a dip for them, too.

Thank goodness that BK is willing to take this step. And it should be noted that they're referring to the initiative as their "Positive Steps" menu. We suppose that switching french fries for fried apple is a step.

After all, not frying the apples would be a leap.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The French are fighting

We know, we know. We're just as shocked as everyone. Actually, we're not really shocked at all. Sure, France has been stereotyped as a nation that's willing to bend over backwards on their way to a quick surrender, but that just ignores all of the other times that the French decided to go about fighting, even when defeat was staring them in the face. Besides, this current fight isn't about land or anything like that.

It's about Scientology.

That's right, folks. A court in Paris is currently looking at a case being brought against the church of Hubbard followers, claiming that the organization is guilty of fraud and illegally acting as a pharmacy. Pretty daunting claims, actually. And both seem to have some basis. After all, Scientology does promote themselves as a religion, but then insist that people purchase as many of the materials as possible, especially if they want to rise through the ranks. The Church also sells vitamins to followers, which could be construed as working as a pharmacy.

Still, we have a tough time believing that the case holds a lot of water. Sure, plenty of European countries have classified Scientology as a cult, and their argument holds merit. But is it really a cult when so many celebrities flock to it? As for the pharmacy claim, well, the verdict is still out on whether or not most vitamins even do any good, which begs the question as to whether selling a placebo is a crime or not.

When it comes down to it, the job of the court is not to determine the validity of Scientology's continued existence, just whether any of its practices are criminal. From what we can tell, they've done at least one criminal thing.

But we still forgive them for releasing "Battlefield Earth" on us all.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Don't say anything

Over the years, governments have been trying to make creating identification cards into a foolproof process. New elements have been added, turning a simple card with some personal information and a photo into something much closer to a credit card, complete with a magnetic strip. Well, thanks to identity theft, not even that is as secure as it could be anymore, but many states are looking into new technology to try and improve the process.

That's where facial recognition software comes into play. But there is a catch. The software can't guarantee a match every time, with simple things such as facial expression throwing off the algorithms. So, in an effort to try and make the process as perfect as possible, some states have instituted a new rule. If you're currently in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada, or Virginia and you need to go to the DMV, just try not to smile.

We know, we know. The DMV is just such a fun place to go. We can't help but smile every time we go in. Of course, we really enjoy the schadenfreude involved in any sort of government institution, and we're the kind of people who can enjoy hours on end at the Social Security office, so maybe we're not really the best people to judge this type of thing.

Honestly, we really can't imagine that it's too difficult to get people to not smile. After all, nobody ever seems all that thrilled about getting their photo taken for their driver's license. In fact, we've seen people more excited about getting a mug shot than getting a DMV photo.

This can only bode well for the future. After all, if there's one thing the DMV needed more was an effort to take away what little joys may have existed there previously.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 18, 2009

Here we are again, getting ready for the weekend. But this weekend is bound to be more full than others, because it's a holiday weekend. That, naturally, means not a whole lot, other than the high likelihood of an extra day off of work. In honor of that, let's get rolling with the awards.

Pants vs Skins Award
What seems like a reasonable reaction to being involved in a domestic dispute? If you said "strip naked", you might have more in common with a couple in South Carolina than you might think. Apparently, in downtown Seneca, the couple were fighting, with the man stripped down to pants, and the woman completely naked. Listen, we know it's been warm recently, but that's just ridiculous.

Puppetry Award
We respect that people have found ways to pass the time, and some of those ways are more inventive than others. But, just a quick word of advice. If you're looking for recreational fun, we don't suggest standing over an air conditioner intake and using any part of your body as a puppet. That goes double if you've decided to use your penis. Doesn't anybody just flash people like the good old days anymore?

Managing the Trois Award
Oh look, another story about indecent acts in public. Apparently, a couple decided to get frisky at a sports field, already drawing extra attention from passersby. How could they make it worse? Including a third person who simply asked to join. So looks like the answer to the question we posed above is a resounding "No."

Going Halfsies Award
So how about something wholesome? Maybe shift away from the sex stories for a bit? Instead, how about we mention the most recent girl to achieve fame for auctioning off her virginity. As it turns out, she may have to give up half of the money for tax purposes. Looks like, in one auction, she ended up getting screwed twice.

All In Award
Alright, fine. Shifting off of the sex stories for a bit, let's talk about people doing some minor gambling at home. A home rummy game went afoul when two of the guests decided to pepper spray their host, and steal upwards of $600. Yes, the two were caught, after driving into a fence, and the bail was set at $25,000. No word on what hands the two were holding when they left, but their lack of forward thinking could actually indicate winning cards. Guess they wanted to make it home for "American Idol".

Can You Hear Me Now? Award
Leave it to Verizon to show their concern for their customers. A 62-year-old man went missing, and, when the police contacted his cell phone provider to try and help track him down through the phones GPS technology, they found the service was shut off. But, naturally, it was reinstated immediately. Or the company refused to do so unless $20 was paid on an overdue bill. Luckily, the man was found, and may consider switching, not wanting to get caught in a dead zone.

Pretty Pretty Poltergeist Award
You know, if there's one concern we had towards Ouija boards, it's that they were just too gender neutral. Thank heavens you can buy a pink one now. We expect that a lot of questions to the board will now revolve around how lame a pink Oujia board is.

Changing Industry Award
In a recent study, it turns out that more Americans have played video games in the past six months than have gone to the movies. And, as has been prophesied before, the time is coming where the geek truly shall inherit the earth. You know, provided they can tolerate sunlight long enough to last outside. We're confident that price, quality, and length of enjoyment are certainly not factors in this.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the Memorial Day weekend, and, if you can, try and catch a movie. It'll give your thumbs a rest. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Banned in the USA

Boy, it's a good thing California doesn't have anything major to worry about. Never mind the crippling debt that the state faces, because we all know that the government loves bailing out the bankrupt more than kids love candy, and celebrities love rehab. Because of that knowledge, California legislators are looking to move onto the next big issue.

That issue, of course, being a way to prohibit the sale or rental of violent video games to people under 18. You know, like porn.

Well, thank goodness. It's about time that someone stood up to these video game tyrants. After all, kids might play these games and see violent acts, which could in turn lead to them becoming lifelong criminals. After all, that connection hasn't been disproven time and time and time again.

Seriously, though, the video game industry, much like the movie industry, already has a rating system in place. Retailers are supposed to adhere to that system, but there's no indication that they actually do. After all, it's very similar to CD sales, with "explicit lyrics" stickers emblazoned on discs, but kids buying them anyway. The California lawmakers are making a connection between the levels of violence (and, we assume, foul language) to porn, all in the interest of protecting our children. Meanwhile, the video game industry doesn't think that they should be treated differently than other media, and rightly so. After all, when television is chock full of police procedural dramas showcasing extreme acts of violence, but a video game gets lambasted because of something closer to a cartoon (and let's not forget the violence often exhibited in cartoons), there's obviously some sort of a double standard.

Oh, if only there were people who could find a way to watch the children, and gauge their media intake based off of what they feel is appropriate for the child. Perhaps someone who has been with the kid since they were just a baby, and therefore might have an idea of what they could handle and process.

Apparently, parents just don't exist in the states that have tried to enact these laws.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Rescued by research

Once again, science has come along to save us all. Is it finally a cure for a terminal disease? No. Have they found a way to help reverse the effects of global climate change? Wrong again. Wait, is it that they've found intelligent life on another planet, perhaps ushering in a new era of development for all of us? Still incorrect.

Did they find out that ducks like water? Yes. Yes, they did.

Now you may not be thinking that this is an earth-shattering revelation, but you haven't gotten the whole story. See, ducks don't just like swimming in and drinking water. Oh no. They like to be caught in a rain storm, too. Apparently, ducks like when water runs off their back. Who knew, right?

We can see you're still not convinced about the importance of this. Sure, there are other things that Science could have been working on, but it's important that we know how ducks feel about water. After all, it could certainly help to explain why, um... why... oh, why they spend so much time in water! Sure, it could be because that's their natural habitat. But maybe it's also because they like it.

Okay, seriously, Science? We're getting a little tired of this. Sure, we can see some benefits to studies like this one, but there really are better things for you to be doing. And when you make a big announcement about your "results", don't expect people to be super friendly with you.

What's next? Celebrities like cocktails, rehab, and swimming pools?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Excessively strict

Most people are familiar with signs prohibiting food and drink from certain areas. Generally, there's a good reason as to why, and the people using those resources either obey the rules, or try to sneak their food and drink in without getting caught. And yes, they usually fail.

But who would have suspected that breastfeeding would fall under the same restrictions?

It did for a woman at a Nottingham leisure center. Apparently, she was horribly in the wrong by feeding her baby, and was scolded by staff for violating the policy. And no, it's not because she had an exposed (or semi-exposed) breast. It was simply because she was feeding her child.

Listen, we understand that rules exist for a reason. We get that people tend to need those rules in order to be protected from their own foolish behavior. But there are times when it gets a little out of hand, and chastising a mother for breastfeeding her infant is a prime example of people not being flexible when the situation calls for it. Thankfully, the location is now looking to revise its rules, but this incident should never have occurred.

After all, it's not like the kid was getting mai tais or anything similar. Because you really don't want to see a tipsy 11-week-old on a rampage.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Our Father, who art in gouda

It seems like you can't make it through a week without someone finding a "holy" image in their lunch. Sometimes it's the Virgin Mary on a potato chip. Sometimes it's a grape that looks like Mother Theresa. There's probably even at least one case of someone spotting a Lamb in the box of animal crackers.

Today, the story is about "Cheesus".

Yes, you read that correctly. And no, we didn't nickname the inspirational Cheeto. That burden fell to the Texas couple that discovered Him lying in a bag of orange-powdered bits. And, thankfully, we can all rest assured that, if this is truly an image of Jesus, the couple is planning on being very religious in their handling of the piece.

For right now, it's in a plastic box. They plan on trying to sell it on eBay, but if they don't get enough of a bid, they'll probably just it eat.

Seriously, people? Not only is someone seeing Jesus in a random Cheeto, but they're looking to profit off of it? The last bag of Cheetos we ate had at least a couple of potential Buddhas, and you don't see us trying to make money off of the deal. In fact, if the snack is truly a message, then it seems somewhat sacrilegious to simply sell off His next sign.

Although we can understand the eating thing. Sometimes, those wafers could really use a kick of zesty cheese flavor.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 11, 2009

Here we sit, once again revelling in the notion that is Friday. Do you smell that in the air? Is it freedom? Spring? Possibly just the homeless guy sitting next to you on the bus? Either way, it's definitely a sign that things are growing. So let's move on to the awards.

Smoking Ninja Award
When you think of a ninja, do you picture someone clad head-to-toe in black? An expert martial artist? Someone who can blend into the shadows perfectly? A smoker who steals their cigarettes? Due to the way that he dresses, Colorado police have referred to a cigarette stealer as a "Nicotine Ninja". And wherever he goes, we know that the "Snuff Samurai" can't be far behind.

Dedication Award
Some people just have incredible perseverance towards whatever their doing. Just ask a woman from Pennsylvania, who just landed in jail after a DUI. Make that after receiving her eleventh DUI. Which is just odd, because all most people need is a fifth.

Lowlander Award
What do you do with a self-proclaimed 486-year-old karate master? If you're like most people, you just let them go about their business of being crazy. Of course, when that crazy then is mixed with a dash of swine flu fears, that's when an arrest comes into play. The "karate master" was arrested after attempting to "eliminate" a woman he suspected of having "the swine flu". If only he'd just swept the leg, first.

Revenge Award
A policeman decided to take vigilantism into his own hands to an extent after local politicians voted to cut back on a program that put bonus and education money into cops hands. His revenge? A slew of parking tickets. The police department are planning on looking into the situation to decide if it was an abuse of authority. Meanwhile, the officer is currently planning out his costume as "Ticket Man".

Follow the Birdie Award
Maybe, with avian flu seeming to take a back seat, it's time that people started looking more kindly towards our feathered friends. Georgia police did just that, following a turkey to the home of an illegal immigrant who had evaded authorities for years. Sadly, the turkey is still bound to either look up during a rain storm, or be a guest of honor at a Detroit Lions football game.

Religosity Award
The BBC is catching some heat from supporters, thanks to their recent appointment to the position of head of religion and ethics. Is the new person in charge a criminal, or someone of questionable morals? No, he's just Muslim, which is driving the anger. Because obviously Muslim's don't know anything about religion and ethics. Oh, and of course the main complaint is that the "Christian voice is being sidelined". Once again, an example of one group previously having almost complete control of something feeling ostracized because opposing views are actually being brought to light.

Freedom of... Award
Our last story today is actually one that we're torn on. Some of you may have heard about the Minnesota boy dealing with a treatable form of cancer. Well, despite his parent's wishes (and their religious beliefs), a judge has ruled that the boy "must be treated". On one hand, protecting the child does play a hand. On the other, the parental rights were stripped away by the cold hand of a government official. Wasn't there supposed to be some rules about this set down centuries ago?

That wraps up our awards for this week. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Extra helpful

Let's play a little game with imagery. Picture yourself as someone with an extra $12,000 sitting around. Now imagine that you're going to use that money to buy twenty pounds of marijuana from people. So you meet up with them, and, instead of them exchanging goods for currency, they decide that they can probably make even more money if they first rob you, and then keep the pot to themselves. Do you decide that now is the time to call the police and explain the whole situation?

Better yet, do you call the police while chasing the dealers?

For their part, the police actually suggested to the people who lived this situation that maybe they shouldn't engage in pursuit. Something about maybe deciding that they'd gotten themselves in far enough over their own heads that it might be time to pull back and just let it go. Besides, with a tip about someone driving around with guns and many pounds of drugs, the cops probably felt that they'd be able to get at least some arrests out of the deal. The original victims did listen to the police, and the cops were able to raid the house, making arrests. But it may not end there, because the people looking to buy aren't off the hook completely yet, either.

Listen, folks. If you're actively involved in a crime at the time (and, at least right now, buying marijuana is still considered a crime), and you become the victim of a crime, you have all rights to call the police. But it might be a good idea to omit the details of your own misdoings from the conversation. You know, unless you really like helping the cops do their job.

If these guys were living in the DC Universe, they might be named "The Self Incriminators". But Aquaman would finally have villains he could handle.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Make yourself at home

There are times and places to get completely comfortable in your surroundings. Most people probably wouldn't choose to do so in another person's house after they've broken in, but Kansas City is dealing with someone who obviously isn't like most people. After all, he's doing more than just getting comfortable in his surroundings. He's deciding to eat some of the food, surf the net, and sleep in their beds.

Oh yeah, and he's doing it naked.

The man has broken into a few houses, one time standing nude at the top of the stairs with a freshly-mixed drink in his hands. Another victim swears that the man surfed "at least one porn site", which obviously is a pretty severe thing, especially when you're dealing with a naked guy who breaks into people's houses. After all, you just wouldn't be able to use that computer chair any more.

Probably one of the weirdest things about this, aside from the overall naked-and-breaking-into-houses thing, is that fact that the man seems to be doing these things largely to just get an idea of what the houses are like. After all, it's not like he's stealing valuables, instead just helping himself to the refrigerator and the liquor cabinet.

We have to wonder, if given enough time, there would end up being an entire naked party happening at one of these homes. Or, alternately, if the man would be able to find a pair of pants that he likes.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A lack of thought

Two different stories popped at us today, and both involve people not thinking as hard about as subject as they possibly should have. Sometimes, just coming up with scenarios can be a good exercise, and it seems that it would have been useful in both of the following situations.

Take, for example, our first story today, where parents are starting to raise concerns because the pet door they had installed didn't carry any warnings that children might fit through it as well. Listen, folks, we sympathize. We really do. But come on. The reason you installed a pet door in the first place was so that your dog or cat could have easy access to the outside world. And, for plenty of people, their dog is either the same size or larger than their children. If you can't put two and two together on that one, then we're sorry.

Seriously, just take an example of an average three-year-old, and most dogs in the beagle range. Put the kid down on all fours, and there's a chance that they might be right around the same size, thereby enabling them to fit through the opening meant for your pet. So what are your options, at that point? Either remove the pet door, set up barriers that prevent the child from getting to said door, or focus more on your kid. As an added bonus, accept that by the time the child no longer fits through the door, they'll be able to figure out how to open the entire thing. And remember, kids like having mobility to go in and out as they please. If they didn't, there wouldn't be the old phrase about heating the neighborhood.

In the second story, we simply see an example of people perhaps needing to use a little more caution. When you receive a phone call from someone who is disguising their voice, maybe you shouldn't send a solo delivery driver out with their subs. That goes double when they call back with a slightly different address. Sadly, the driver paid the price, getting beaten up in a robbery attempt. And to think, putting just a little thought into the circumstances might have allowed the workers to sniff out that something wasn't quite right, and they could at least have sent along an extra person. Sure, it might have lead to two people getting attacked, but it might also have prevented the entire mess in the first place.

So, please. We beg you. Think a little more about the consequences. Just to save us all a little trouble.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dumber than the average

The people of Anchorage have a problem. It's a problem that wasn't formerly such a big deal, but, well, times change and people become more sensitive. No, the problem isn't that their view of Russia is getting obscured.

It's bears.

That's right, folks. A state that hosts a thriving bear population, and a city surrounded largely by wilderness, is starting to complain about the bears. Admittedly, there have been maulings in recent years that is starting to provoke the concern, but this does seem a bit odd. Especially given one of the main people quoted in the article. That person, a recent transplant from Washington state made mention that they never saw bears before, but now they see them all of the time.

Well, really? Do you think that might happen? It's not like Alaska isn't known for having a large number of bears, and a lot of the state is still a relatively untouched wilderness. In fact, most of the time, those are drawing points for people wanting to live in, or simply visit, the state. Things are changing, because the bears are being a little more aggressive, but, in their defense, they've been living this close to humans for so long that this is a natural progression. After all, typical posturing that the bears did to encourage people to back off may have just stopped working, because of the familiarity. Remember folks, these are wild animals, and they're more likely than not simply trying to protect their young and their territory.

Ultimately, on one hand we can sympathize with the people of Anchorage who are having this difficulty, but we also sympathize with the bears. It's just a shame that there aren't 49 other states that some of the more worried people could move to, possibly with a smaller concentration of bears.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 4, 2009

Friday has definitely snuck up on us this week. But we're prepared. We've got our ducks in a row. And we've got plenty of stories for our awards today. So let's dive in.

Definition of "Sensual" Award
How many times have you found yourself looking for a sensual massage and found yourself in the middle of a sting operation? Just irritating, right? Of course, if you're like most people, you get your massage from an actual parlor, and aren't trying to find a masseuse in the "erotic" sections of Craigslist. We're just going to assume that there was no happy ending.

On the Scale of 1 to 10, 1 Being Stupid Award
Want a sure way to get a few days off of school? Try ranking your classmates on their physical appearance. The student should have known that doing something like that is really better left to the internet, and random flame trolls.

And A Hockey Game Broke Out Award
We've all heard the old joke about going to a fight and seeing hockey instead. The exact opposite happened in Chicago at the site of a Blackhawks/Canucks game as a married couple decided to brawl with each other. Both received minor penalties for roughing, but the husband received a game misconduct for instigating.

A Budding Supervillain Award
We're not sure if it's ironic or not, but a man who recently bought a rare Spiderman comic book was recently jailed, because the check he used was forged. The man's attorney sited a recent history of drug problems. In all fairness, though, the man was actually doing research before he gets himself involved in a bizarre scientific accident that will grant him fantastic powers.

Um, Oops Award
Just a quick tip for everyone. If you have a plain white van, don't put a sign up saying "Free Candy" in the back window. Especially if you also have a mattress in the back. You know, unless the prank with your friends is really awesome.

Fighting the Law Award
Won't someone think of the prisoners in solitary confinement? A group of them in Maine have gone on a hunger strike, because they aren't being allowed to have radios. This explains a recent dip in ratings for Rush Limbaugh.

Raped Again Award
We have to give this one out to hospitals in Houston, who have the audacity to charge rape victims for their evidence kits. Apparently, being a victim of just one rape wasn't bad enough, so the hospitals have decided that they need to perform a monetary one, as well. We don't even have a joke about this, as we're too disgusted by the activity. Seriously, we understand that the economy is tough, but can't we all try and get these women a little of their dignity back, and not ask them to pay for it?

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, as we continue to prepare for the summer. Not that we've got anything planned, but we need the glow of our monitors to prepare us for the glare of the sun.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

For fun's sake

Some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children. Of course, you don't often find out those details about someone until after they've got kids of their own.

Take, for example, this story about a man in Oregon, who decided that he needed to find a new use for a shock collar usually put on dogs. Instead of using it properly, the man put it on his kids. But before getting up in arms, you should realize he wasn't doing it as some sort of crazy new punishment.

Oh, no. He was doing it because he thought it was funny.

Yeah. Just let that soak in for a bit. Let the rage boil up. Now let it out, slowly.

Seriously, what would possess someone to even try to experiment with this, let alone continue doing it? Sure, some discomfort to others is a calling card of much of comedy, but it shouldn't be funny to continue to cause pain to your own children. There should be a protecting, nurturing side to a parent that would prevent them from doing just this thing.

We're just going to go out on a limb and assume that this guy either has never heard of any comedians, or he was training the kids to be part of the next generation of "Jackass" stars.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Gotta have options

And, boy howdy, do we ever have options. Three different stories all jumped out at us, and we're just unable to pick just one to go with. So we'll be sharing them all, because that's just what kind of caring and giving bloggers we are.

In the first story, we see proof as to why you should avoid karaoke bars. Or why you shouldn't spank someone while they're warbling out their favorite Patsy Kline song. It's because of the brawls, folks.

But wait, don't brawls happen in bars all of the time? Judging from television scripts, we'd have to say, "Yes", but that's still no reason not to make a special effort to get away from any location that encourages people to get drunk enough to try and sing their way through Pearl Jam. We just wonder if the woman performing the karaoke was trying to sing "Hit Me Baby, One More Time".

Our second story shows that you can never be too safe, especially when selling teaspoons to people. That's why a Yorkshire store insisted on proof of age before letting a woman buy her spoons. After all, spoons can be dangerous, especially in the hands of a trained spoon-ninja. Those guys are deadly, and they eat their ice cream faster than you can imagine. Honestly, though, we'd be checking ages on people buying sporks long before we did the same for the simple spoon.

For our final story, well, we just had to include it because we think it's absolutely ridiculous. And no, not ridiculous in the "we can't believe nobody thought of this before" way, either. After all, can you think of anyone who needs high-heeled flippers? Expect this footwear to eventually find it's way to fame-whoring celebrities, who just want to jump onto the latest crazy fad.

And yes, if you combine all three stories, you get something from the diary of Courtney Love. Weird how these things work out.

Monday, May 04, 2009

If you've got 'em

Seriously, people, let's have a quick chat about smoking. Sure, we're smokers ourselves, but that doesn't really mean we condone the practice. After all, it's got so darned many downsides.

But wait, what's that, China? You're encouraging people to smoke? You think it might help turn around your economy? And you'll fine companies that don't smoke enough? At the same time, you're trying to get your doctors to become non-smokers, so that they can provide a good example to people?

Can't you just pick one?

Besides, the amount of cigarettes you're asking companies to go through is just ridiculous. 230,000 packs per year? You'd better hope that you're either going after companies with a lot of smokers, or that you've got people puffing through dozens of packs per day, just to keep from getting fines. Meanwhile, you'll have doctors working on freshening up their own lungs, telling people to avoid the dangers of cigarettes. And let's not even get into the medical expenses that such an initiative is bound to provoke.

Although, some might say that China's population is such that they could easily embrace such a plan from the government. Harsh and cynical people might even go so far as to say that this could be a clever plan by the Chinese to not only pad their coffers but to thin their herd. Still, the fact that they're trying to have the cigarette problem both ways just smacks of being disingenuous.

To us, it's kind of like when GDub was trying to spur on education initiatives, while also promoting his own ignorance.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 27, 2009

Whew. Another week has ended, and, with it, the first 100 days of the new presidency has gone by. Not sure about you, but we think The Onion may just be spot on with their description of what's happened. Sure, none of the things they mention are earth-shattering, but they're just so darned believable. Since we can't come close to topping that, we'll just shift to our awards.

Royal Hippie Award
This award is given to Prince Harry. You might remember him as one of the dashing crown princes of England. You might also remember him as someone who washed his hair. Well, not for the last couple of years, if the story is to be believed. We're just shocked. We never expected to see example of poor personal hygiene coming from the British Isles.

The Wheels on the Bus, Part One Award
What do you call it when a school bus pulls into the parking lot of a porn store? If you're the driver, you probably call it a need to turn the bus around after getting lost. If you're one of the kids, you just might call it the best field trip ever.

The Wheels on the Bus, Part Two Award
In sharp contrast to the story about the kids stopping at the porn store, we've got a story about a bus monitor just wanting a little quiet. Maybe using duct tape to help get that wasn't the best idea, but the monitor was probably under stress. Maybe they should have been on the porn bus.

Fighting the Law Award
Do you ever have the urge to get into an illegal street race? Okay, maybe we should be a little broader. Do you ever have the urge to just gun the engine at a stop light, to see if you can beat other cars off of the line? Want to do it without running into trouble with the law? Just visit sunny Florida, where you can race the cops. The upside of this program has been a new revenue stream, and a reduction in the number of illegal street races. The downside is now the potential racers know which cars can beat a police cruiser in a chase scenario.

Worst Census Ever Award
The regular census has begun, and most census takers stick to the script. One Kansas worker decided to stray a bit, and was even a little hands-on (with themselves, but that doesn't make it better). However, his line of questioning could open up interesting marketing opportunities for companies like Victoria's Secret. We could also find out whether blue staters or red staters are more likely to wear briefs.

Ah, Progress Award
When you think about all of the things that a computer has done, what springs to mind? Higher efficiency? New advances in many scientific fields, such as medicine and physics? How about ruining handwriting and possibly forcing schools to "dumb down" their curriculum? That is starting to become a concern in school districts in the UK, but they can't even get their royalty to wash their hair, so this problem may be beyond them.

And Lead Us Not Into Torture Award
A recent study about whether or not people feel torture is justified lead to some interesting results. Most notably, the more often someone attends church, the more likely it is that they will look at torture as justified, with white evangelicals coming out as the most torture-forgiving of all religions. If only there was a set of teachings to follow when it came to interacting and dealing with your fellow man.

And on that happy note, we're closing our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next week with a new pile of accomplishments and crazy from around the world.