Friday, October 31, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 27, 2008

Welcome back, folks. Here we are, mere days away from the election, and we're still awaiting our October Surprise. Of course, at this point, it may be a November Surprise, but that suits us just fine. The November Surprise comes with whipped cream and a cherry. And now, on to our awards.

Combating Fear Award
Some people are afraid of spiders. Others are afraid of clowns. And some, like this guy, are afraid of being buried alive. Of course, not everyone builds themselves a custom tomb to help out in just such a situation. Next up? Taking on the fear of heights by encouraging people to build their own skyscrapers.

Well, Crap Award
Turns out, not even having diarrhea is a good enough excuse for speeding. That's according to a court in Sweden, who stated that only emergencies give just cause for going above the speed limit. Apparently, ruining a perfectly good pair of pants just doesn't make Sweden's list of "emergencies".

A Champion Shall Fall? Award
It takes chutzpah to declare yourself a "champion of the people" when under 15 percent of your state approves of the job your doing. It takes even more chutzpah to declare that you're proud to be getting your "ass kicked" for those same people. By that line of thinking, Carrot Top is, and always will be, the champion of our particular corner of the world.

Naked Bowling Award
Alright, so it wasn't actual naked bowling that got an Iowa business man into trouble. It was naked beer slides on the bowling lanes. However, the owner is allowed to keep his liquor license, in large part due to the fact that bowling without drinking gets boring after a frame or two. No word on whether the naked beer slides still included gutter balls...

Sin Here Often? Award
In a prime example of "doing it wrong", we look in on a priest from Queens who decided to use his confessional booth as a pick-up location. First sign that you might be at the wrong parish? When you say, "Forgive me father", his response is "Sure. The absolution is on the nightstand."

Follicle Follies Award
In continuing efforts to find the silliest things to research, a new survey has been released stating that men prefer to date blondes, but to marry brunettes. Interestingly enough, Guy Ritchie and Alex Rodriguez were used as the control group for this particular survey.

Trick or Trick Award
Being that it's Halloween, we would be remiss if we didn't have some sort of holiday-themed story. Of course, being that this is the CSM, we'd also be remiss if we just mentioned candy or decorations or costumes. So we instead look at the state of Maryland, and the signs that they are requiring sex offenders post at their homes, to keep children away. Earlier this week, the state decided to change their signs, which had previously included the words, "No Candy at this Residence" and a jack-o-lantern. The new signs? No pumpkin. And problem solved!

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, inevitably to discuss the fall-out from the election on Tuesday, and the beginnings of the recount on Wednesday. Oops... we should have said "spoiler alert". Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Finally, election news that makes sense

Alright. Yesterday we talked about one big endorsement that had come in for Republican John McCain. Well, it looks like another big one has come through, and this could spell the end of the Obama campaign.

After all, it's hard to keep going when the aliens are siding with your opponent.

Yes, we know that this is a story written for the always questionable Weekly World News, but we have to admit that it's finally something about the election that's gotten our interest.

Of course, we're also confident that Obama is currently holding onto the endorsement of Bigfoot. When it comes to mythical creatures, it's nice to know that the candidates are dead even.

Looks like it's going to come down to Bat Boy, yet again. Isn't that always the way?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


As we draw ever closer to the election, we've been waiting with baited breath to see which candidate gets some of the major endorsements that have been lingering out there. A big one came in recently, and the nation as a whole can breathe a sign of relief.

No, we're not talking about the endorsement by Colin Powell. That's old news. We're talking about the recent endorsement picked up by the McCain/Palin campaign.

You know, from "Joe the Plumber".

Well thank goodness we can finally know who he was supporting. After all, we were still confused about where his loyalties were lying. But now we can put those doubts and concerns to bed.

Wait. How on earth is this news? Seriously, how did it get to become a major endorsement? The guy isn't a politician, or a well-known public figure. His last name isn't even "Plumber". He's just a guy who asked some questions of the candidates, and got thrust into the spotlight because McCain wanted to seem more populist than he is (after all, he feels the pain you do regarding mortgages, except he feels it seven times more strongly). And now some average guy who accidentally found his way into national attention is being asked about his endorsement, and it's being reported like real news.

Listen, if "Joe the Plumber" really deserved our attention, he would have whored himself out on a reality television show by now. Although maybe that's coming just down the road. What's next, a headline screaming, "Random Blogger Decries Importance of 'Plumber' Endorsement"?

Yeah, because that will narrow it down.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Not thirsty


You hear that, folks? That was a sigh of relief. And you may ask yourself, why are we sighing in relief (you may also ask yourself, "Where does that highway go to?")?

Easy. According to the TSA, we might finally be able to bring liquids bigger than 3 oz. onto the plane with us again in the next year or so.

That's right. Our long, dehydrated nightmare may finally be coming to a close. Long have we wished that we could just stash a full-sized tooth of toothpaste into our carry-on bag for a three-day trip. We've practically begged for the ability to haul a gallon or two of water with us. And don't even get us started on our hair spray. And now, we might be seeing a time come where all of those options are once again open to us.

Even better, there's a side bonus to this easing of restrictions. Airline security is even going so far as to guess that possibly having fewer restrictions on what people can and can't bring on the planes might speed up lines through the checkpoints. Do you hear that, America? That's the sound of passengers rushing from a crawl to a slow walk as they hope that they can find their gate before the plane boards. Finally, airline passengers will be able to feel a slight self-generated breeze ruffling their hair (for better results, stand near a fan).

Why, we're in such a good mood, that we can't even make fun of the fact that politicians are encouraging one of their own to resign, since he was recently convicted of violating federal ethics laws. Sure, we could mock them all for waiting until after the verdict was returned, but, darnit, we're going to be able to bring liquids onto planes again.

Happy day indeed.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Money well spent

Boy, it's a good thing that there isn't some sort of a global economic crisis going on right now. We only say that because, if there was some sort of problem like that, it might make our story seem a whole heck of a lot worse. After all, people get a little antsy no matter what the financial climate when they see any large expenditure of money by local governments.

And this time, it's all about the image. Specifically, the image that the Norfolk Constabulary uses to promote their crime prevention efforts in the UK. And, well, at the price tag of 35,000 pounds, it's hard not to argue.

Especially when the image is different largely in coloration only.

Well that's just a relief. Honestly, we were quite afraid that they were going to remove the comfortable star-and-crown motif that we would have come to recognize as the symbol of the Norfolk Constabulary, if only we lived anywhere near where they patrolled. And when we think about that 3,000 pounds used to create the new design, we're just impressed.

Impressed that anyone could command that sort of money for tracing something previously created and applying a new palate to it. Of course, that style of artistry isn't unheard of, but we're fairly certain that Andy Warhol had nothing to do with the new Norfolk shield.

But before we get too bent out of shape, we need to realize that the new logo will also include the phrase, "Our priority is you". That's a nice sentiment, even if the priority really did seem to be a misappropriation of funds to color in an old picture.

Heck, even Ted Turner got in trouble when he did it. Why should Norfolk be any different?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Coffee-soaked Awards - Week of October 20, 2008

Blah blah blah insert something witty here blah blah.

Sorry... we're a little run-down. This whole election thing is just getting to us. Only a couple of weeks to go before we have to deal with recounts and one party complaining about the outcome. Anyways, on to our awards!

Sometimes It's Just Bad Award
Newt Gingrich, former Republican powerhouse, and current crazy person, has apparently decided that Sarah Palin can't be the only politician getting mileage out of Saturday Night Live. Earlier this week, Gingrich called the sketch comedy show "slander" and said that it was worthy of being sued, proving that Gingrich doesn't understand the difference between slander and farce. Meanwhile, the careers of Dana Carvey, Horatio Sanz, Chris Kattan, Joe Piscopo, Cheri Oteri, and Victoria Jackson couldn't be found for comment.

Burn, Dude, Burn Award
What would you do if your significant other didn't stop strangers from looking at you in a potentially sexual way? If you said "douse them in gasoline and light them on fire," you may be a recently convicted Michigan woman. We all know that she thought he was hot, but this is ridiculous.

Go Outside Award
Just a quick tip for anyone planning on huffing aerosol fumes. Seriously, people, do it outside, and definitely don't light a cigarette shortly afterwards. Oh, and no one is allowed to touch you in your bathing suit area without your permission. We now return you to your regularly scheduled awards.

Must Be From All That Reading Award
Earlier this week, John McCain and Sarah Palin were interviewed by Brian Williams of NBC News. One question he asked was regarding domestic terrorism, and whether abortion bombers qualify. Palin, proving that she's read things handed to her, answered the question by talking about William Ayers. McCain, proving that he's read things handed to him, ordered a cup of coffee and a slice of blueberry pie.

Pinching the Pint Award
It looks like Britain may be about to follow Australia when it comes to servings of beer. Floating somewhere between a half and a full pint, the "schooner" has taken root in Australia, and it may be appearing soon at English pubs. To combat this, Germany has unveiled the UltraStein, which is just an above-ground swimming pool filled with beer. It also comes with a beer chaser.

Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think Award
A city in Canada may be about to put their foot down when it comes to a menace terrorizing front yards. That menace? The ever-present hockey net. No mention of whether or not curling will still be encouraged as soon as the streets ice over. It really is like a free ride when you've already paid (minor mention because, well, Alanis is Canadian. See how we tied that together?)

Since I'm Already Here Award
A Vermont man had been taken to the police station under suspicion of having committed theft. So, while he's at the station, he decides to steal something off of the police bulletin board. The thief may have just wanted to save the cops on gas money. But wait until you see his disappearing pencil trick.

And that does if for our awards this week. We'll be back next week, looking ever more paranoid. But that's just because we'll be spending next Friday running from gangs of children who want their candy back. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


It's a sad story, but one that's been seen time and time again. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. There's a wedding, and, over time, boy and girl start falling out of love, so they get a divorce. Girl takes the concept of divorce badly, and makes the decision to exact vengeance on boy. Girl tracks boy down and commits murder. We wish that such a story would never happen, but it does pop up from time to time, and it just recently did again in Japan.

Except for the key detail that the two were married online, and she killed his avatar.

That's right, folks. She got so distraught over the concept of her online (read: totally fake) marriage falling apart that she decided to remove from the equation the thing that was causing her such pain. That thing, for those curious, was a collection of pixels on an MMORPG. And now, because of it, the woman is in jail, awaiting charges.

Naturally, this could be seen as yet another reason for people to avoid online gaming. Sure, you might be able to run around a lush, virtual world, casting yourself as the hero in a global conflict, but you might meet a crazy person that wants to get compu-hitched. Next thing you know, you're sharing LAN cables, have a separate teamspeak set up for the person in question, and spend all of your time trying to craft them a perfect piece of jewelry. Then they decide that they want to leave you for that awesome character with all of the awesome equipment, and you never see them again. Obviously the only recourse is to log into their account and have their avatar commit suicide, preferably in a grotesque fashion.

Or, you know, you could meet people in the real world. Just think of it as the most realistic MMO ever.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Spend, baby, spend

Maybe it's just us, but it seems like, right now, some of the high-profile Republicans are watching their party implode around them. From John McCain possibly already abandoning states to Barak Obama, to Michele Bachmann talking about "anti-American" sentiments in Congress (but it was just a media trap, and she certainly didn't mean it if she did say it), the GOP is definitely having a rough time. Thank heavens they're being fiscally conservative, and are dealing smartly with the current economic turmoil.

Well, just so long as you don't look at the money spent by the party on making sure that Sarah Palin and family look good for the cameras. And it just goes to prove that not even $150,000 in clothes can make someone seem more qualified.

Yes, you read that correctly. And, if you're like us, you're a little upset by this. Of course, the GOP is attempting to downplay the whole thing, pointing out (and rightly) that there are more important issues facing this country than the dollar value of the clothes for their candidates. The only problem is that they're expecting us to completely ignore the furor raised over a $400 haircut by John Edwards during the primaries for the Democrats. Oh, wait, he didn't visit his barber during a recession.

Now we're not going to say that the Republicans are the only ones that play this game of double standards. After all, the Democrats are pouncing on the comments made by Bachmann, but seem to be trying to sweep under the rug comments made by Jack Murtha as being merely a mistake, and not that big of a deal. Sure, saying that members of Congress may be anti-America is bad, but so is calling half of your state racist and/or rednecks.

Of course, we've got an idea for this whole mess, but we doubt it would be followed. First and foremost, force the candidates to dress themselves, on their own dollar. And secondly, instead of toeing a double standard within the parties, how about we take time to actually address the issues that pop up fairly on both sides of the aisle.

Or is that just too radical of a concept?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Sometimes, people break into houses just to avoid inclement weather. Other times, they do it because it's their own home, and they lost their keys. Still other people do it because they heard that it would be a great place to host a party. You know, the kind of party where you invite twenty of your closest friends and, by the end of it, over 200 people, a llama, a rock band (complete with their own stage) and the police have arrived. The kind of party someone can only have when their parents are out of town. And yes, there are a good portion of people who break into house (to get ourselves back on track) simply because they're fairly certain that the people who live there have nice stuff, and they themselves would like some of that stuff.

But it's definitely not common for someone to break into a house so they can charge their cell phone.

Apparently, though, that's exactly what happened. We can't really understand the scenario that might lead to such a decision, but we're sure it made a lot of sense to the culprit at the time. Was it that he was maybe waiting for a call from a significant other, and realized that he only had one battery bar left? Was he trying to win tickets from his local radio station, and knew that, if he didn't charge his phone, there was no way he'd be able to be caller number fourteen? Was he maybe just really really high at the time, and thought that his cell phone was a magic toaster oven that might provide him with a freshly-warmed bagel?

Of course, it's possible that he had just run down his phone's battery by answering calls from political parties. If that's the case, then we think he might have been justified at least a little in his actions.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A wee nip

We understand. Sometimes people engage in hard work, and there's nothing more rewarding than a cold, frosty beverage as a special treat on a break. It's a great feeling to be able to step away from the job, put your feet up, and quench your thirst.

While most jobs give you scheduled breaks throughout your time on the job, one place that you might benefit from working all the way through would be in the middle of a crime. Just ask the California man who was arrested for breaking into a liquor store, all because he was found drinking in the store's walk-in cooler.

Really, we're sure he was thirsty, and the beer he consumed probably felt great going down, but there are just wiser times to do these things. Heck, taking a break in the middle of a robbery is probably pretty similar to suspending your campaign in an economic crisis. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but all it's bound to do is damage your long-term chances.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 13, 2008

Alright. Before we get too deeply into this post, we just have something to say. A deep breath. Okay. Okay, we're ready.

Joe the Plumber. Joe the Plumber Joe the Plumber JoethePlumberaaaaugh!!!!

Whew. Now that we've got that out of our systems, let's move on to the awards, shall we? We already feel a little more presidential.

Smelling Space Award
Since we haven't been able to send a manned mission to the moon for decades, it only makes sense that NASA would try a new foray into their research. That foray? Trying to find someone to recreate the smell of outer space. The next step? Finding a Febreeze strong enough to purify even the uncharted reaches of space. It will first be tested in high school locker rooms.

Dangerous? Really? Award
We have to give a nod to the CDC. Thanks to them, we now know that car-surfing may not just be a fun past time. In fact, it might be dangerous. The CDC is now looking into picking a fight with a Hells Angel and skydiving without a parachute.

Squeak Award
A man from Auckland now faces community service for cruelty to a mouse. Apparently, the mouse was retrieved from a woman's cleavage, and then the man proceeded to kill it while pretending to eat it. Minnie couldn't be reached for comment, but sources close to the deceased mouse claim that he always enjoyed cleavage.

Smashing Pumpkins Award
David Letterman has made a big of a history for himself out of smashing pumpkins from outside of his show. Now he's angling to blow up a pumpkin weighing in at almost 3/4 of a ton. Letterman originally went for a second-place pumpkin, but the owner declined, forcing him to move on to the champion, or "pumpking", as it were. If only Billy Corgan could be the musical guest that night...

Monkeying Around Award
When told by a court commissioner that you aren't allowed to keep a pet monkey, don't try to fool them by staging a photo that shows them having been relocated to Mexico. Especially when you live near a large Hispanic community, such as Los Angeles. Oddly enough, in at least one of the photos, the monkey has an expression saying, "THIS is your best plan?"

Joe the Plumb-DANGIT!!!

Mother-Daughter Day Award
Some parents go the extra mile for their children. A California mother did just that, by driving her 12-year-old daughter to a park so that she could fight with another student. But that's not all. When it became clear her daughter was losing, the mother stepped in to help out. Because the first rule of School Fight Club is "Don't talk about School Fight Club", and the seventh rule is "Bring a bigger parent."

Fake Arrest Award
Sometimes, people can get away with portraying police officers. By sometimes, we mean when they have been cast as a cop, or possibly when they are stripping for a party. One time that you definitely can't get away with pretending to be a cop is when you pull over your neighbor at a traffic stop. On the plus side, the fake cop was merely giving warnings to people, as opposed to writing tickets. The first tip that the man was a fake cop? There was no doughnut dust on his shirt.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We've just got to end it before, like John McCain and Barack Obama before us, we find ourselves referring to a random name and occupation like it's going to save the campaign. Besides, "Bertram the Janitor" just doesn't have the same ring. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Just a quick tuck

First off, we've got a quick update from a previous story we talked about. Remember the legislator who was suing god? Yeah, his case has been thrown out. Turns out it's hard to sue someone who doesn't have a permanent address. Maybe if the man bringing the complaint had "Joe the Plumber" as a character witness, his trial might have seen the light of day.

But moving on from that, we found an article today that scares us a bit. Apparently, people have gotten a little beyond simply looking after their own looks with cosmetic "treatments". In fact, you might want to be careful before agreeing to stand up at someone's wedding. After all, since you're going to be in their photos, they might want you to get Botox.

Scary, right? To think that there's any bride or groom out there who is so concerned about how their pictures look that they would make appointments for their bridal party to get a face lift or other cosmetic surgery done is kind of sad. Sure the article mentions brides doing this to their bridesmaids, but, let's be honest. Thanks to the advent of metrosexuality, men are just as prone to freaking out over appearance and "fixing" it.

Here's our suggestion to making sure the pictures look good. Get a good camera, and put everyone in good colors and fabrics. Then utilize lighting and a professional photographer. Then smile, and accept that people do this little thing called "aging", and that might actually lead to a couple of lines on their faces. After all, it's better to have a few wrinkles than to freeze your face in such a way that you'll never smile again.

If that doesn't work, then hide everyone behind flowers. People love flowers.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Follow the herd

This one's just shocking. We definitely never saw this coming, but, thanks to research and studies, we now have definitive proof.

College students find their political leanings influenced by fellow students.

Like we said, just a shocking revelation. We were confident that people formed their views by isolating themselves from the world and digging through whatever news they happened to come across. We were also pretty sure that college students did even less than that, and merely sustained themselves on the nourishing drip of whichever 24-hour news channel they left the television on. But to think that they might actually listen to their peers? Wow.

As a secondary piece of research, the people conducting the study also determined that college students tend to be more liberal in their views, at least during the college years. Apparently there being a larger concentration of liberal groups on many colleges influenced our future leaders by exposing them to ideas. Now we can see why the GOP has been pointing out the "elitism" of the liberal agenda. After all, not everyone can go to college, so obviously those privileged few get exposed to this messaging, while the everyday "Joe Six Pack" never hears of these kind of groups.

But there's hope. It seems that, often, once the students leave the latte-sipping confines of higher education, they start to revert to conservative views on many of the issues. Well thank heavens for that. After all, we'd hate to think of what might happen should those students never readjust their stance on the issues.

For example, we might actually have open and honest discussion about the issues. And we all know that we can never have that.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Jumping the gun

Sure, we've all started to see Christmas decorations slip in around the Halloween areas of our local department stores. After all, people just can't get enough of that wonderful Santa-themed stuff, and they clamor for it earlier and earlier every year. And, by people, we mean the people that stand to make money off of jump-starting the Christmas season earlier every year. Heck, we wouldn't be surprised to hear that Labor Day eventually gets bumped, too, except it's not anywhere near as commerical of a holiday.

Still, while we may not necessarily like seeing trees, tinsel, and babies in a manger at this time of year, we can't really fault the stores for trying to take advantage of the fact that consumers are shopping earlier, due to the failing economy. Heck, if we owned a store, we'd probably have it loaded up with wreaths and shepherds watching their flocks by night.

But that's no reason for a radio station around St. Louis to surprise listeners over the weekend and start broadcasting Christmas music. The station is claiming that the holiday music is popular all year long, and that people tend to enjoy listening to it. This, of course, doesn't take into account the fact that, in many communities, the only radio stations you can get are playing nothing but Christmas music.

Listen, we're just asking for a little restraint. Sell your decorations, so that people can prepare for the season at hand. Encourage people to stock up on wrapping paper and baking essentials. But can we leave Christmas off of our airwaves?

At this rate, there's nobody that will even play "The Monster Mash" anymore. Which, admittedly, may be a blessing in disguise.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Go Team Pope!

While people here in America are getting up in arms regarding the presidential campaign, and some are going so far as to cry out for violence against the opposing candidate, the Pope has been marching to a different drum. Instead of attack ads and empty words, the Pope's been busy making saints.

Well, okay, so he may have used some empty words, too. Turns out that when you're Pope, you need to denounce violence.

Whew. It's a good thing we got that cleared up. Before he came out as being anti-violence, we weren't sure where the leader of the Catholic church stood on that. Sure, it's been a long time since the church itself has encouraged people to leave their homes and fight abroad, but that doesn't mean it might not be time for a new Crusade in the next couple of years. But now we can rest easy, because the Pope doesn't like violence.

More specifically, he doesn't like anti-Christian violence. Well now, that makes a lot of good sense, too. By the same token, that would be like Obama saying he doesn't support anti-Democrat violence, or Sarah Palin claiming that she's opposed to anti-Unqualifieds violence.

And yes, we are in agreement that violence, specifically combat and the like, is something to be against. We just aren't really sure what the need was for the Pope to specifically denounce it.

Unless, you know, he's just a figurehead of some kind, without much real power. In which case, once again, go Team Pope! Now let's get some lipstick for him...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 6, 2008

Wow. Sure, it seems like we've been posting for the last couple of days, but we're also pretty sure that we just woke up from the complete and total cure for insomnia of the debates on Tuesday night. So we're not really sure what happened over the past couple of days, but we do have the distinct feeling that we're now "friends" with McCain. Anyways, let's get moving on to the awards.

Live, From New York, It's The VP Candidate Award
It's really happening. People hinted that it might when Tina Fey returned to portray the Alaskan governor, but now it's confirmed for October 25. Sarah Palin will be making an appearance on Saturday Night Live. Given how she's performed in live settings recently, we expect something folky. Oh, and funny in that whole train crash sort of way. The only thing we can be certain is that she'll be funnier than Horatio Sanz.

Vote for the "S" Award
We're certain that it's happened before, where typos slip through the cracks and get released on absentee ballots. We're also certain that it's not common for a "B" to be replaced with an "S", as some absentee ballots show for Barack Obama. That's right, the ballots from Rensselaer County in New York give voters the option of selecting "Barack Osama". We're sure this was a mistake, and doesn't show any sort of a sia-er, um, bias. Wow. It is totally easy to hit the "s" instead of the "b". You know, if you type with your fists.

Real Partisan Dolls Award
To complete our political hat trick, we found a story about people complaining to Walgreens about dolls based on the candidates. Apparently the dolls used things called "stereotypes" and "comedy" to try to make light of one of the longest and dirtiest campaigns ever. Apparently, the Obama doll would dance, the Clinton doll referred to herself as a broad, and the McCain doll staggered around in a daze, not really sure where it was. We're fairly certain that there's a Palin doll available, too, but we're afraid that it might only come in life-size, so we're choosing not to think about it.

A Good Deal Award
Let this be a lesson to everyone. When placing something for auction on a website, suggest a minimum bid. Otherwise you too could lose your yacht for under 25 Euros. The yacht owner was hoping to get at least 12,000 Euros for his boat, but made an error in listing it, and then lost a court decision trying to overturn his mistake. Unfortunately, here in America, if you see a Ford Pinto (or, at this point, a Ford plant) listed for $50, it's probably not a mistake.

That's Just Stupid Award
It may be stupid, but that's the point the judge was trying to hammer home when he sentenced a man to either jail time, or time spent at the location of his crime, wearing a sign stating, "I was stupid". Prosecutors in the case argued with the sentencing, claiming that the sign shouldn't be in the past tense. The defense, meanwhile, pointed out the correct grammar, since the sign kept the criminal out of prison.

Think of the Crooks Award
Your yard has been the victim of thieves in the past. You decide to protect your property, and string up barbed wire. You're told that you have to take the barbed wire down because it might hurt the thieves. The British are now competing with America for which country can have the most insane legislation, saddened that the Yankees have trounced them for so long.

Sad Messiah Award
According to a new study conducted by a professor at Ball State University, religion may not be the ultimate pick-me-up. In fact, it's downright depressing. What's next, telling us that people who hold differing view points on subjects could lead to confrontation?

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with all new stories. Wait, who are we kidding? It'll be the same old stories, coated in a new varnish, possibly with new subjects. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Going for a ride

Sometimes, the best ideas turn out to be the worst things to act on. Take, for example, the concept of driving down the street on a riding lawn mower. It seems like harmless fun (unless, of course, you happen to be chasing people down, in which case, the good idea never quite formed). So you jump on the back of the mower and start cruising. It all works out great until the police show up.

Of course, if you happen to be drunk, carrying a flask of whiskey, and towing a case of beer all at the same time as you're travelling on your mower, then you probably couldn't spell "good idea" if someone spotted you everything but the "a".

But that's exactly what a Missouri man tried to do recently. After having been involved in an earlier disturbance, the man apparently went home, filled his flask, deposited the beer on the trailer, and got himself fully loaded before he jumped onto his mower. When he was found by the police, he registered a BAC of over 14 times the legal limit. And, just in case he started being able to see clearly, as you can read above, he made sure to bring plenty of supplies.

It's entirely possible that he had merely decided that he was going to move the entire neighborhood, and also thought that he needed a bit of liquid courage to make it through the ordeal. There's even a chance that he was diverted into the street by an elderly person telling him to get off of their lawn.

Or he was so drunk before he got on the mower that it seemed like the best possible recourse. After all, with that much liquor, he couldn't really walk anywhere.

At least he realized he wasn't safe to drive. Just to cut people's lawns.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Handling crimes

Today, we find two articles that deal with criminal proceedings in an interesting way. In our first, a man decides that he will return a number of stolen possessions provided that his victim beat him in a fight. In the second, we learn that skipping jury duty to drink might not be the wisest choice in a DWI trial.

Looking at the first story a little more clearly, we find it very interesting on multiple levels. First off, the crook and the victim apparently know each other, or at least know of each other. While plenty of crimes tend to happen within acquaintances, we can't imagine deciding to hold a "winner take all" fight between friends. At least, not after one has robbed the other. We would think that the thief might have proposed such an endeavor prior to the crime, but not once the deed had already been done. Secondly, we're a bit shocked to find that both men are over 50. Sure, it would be easy pickings to challenge most 60-year-old men to fights for their belongings, but that advantage is practically nullified by the advanced age of the burglar. And yes, we do believe that the fight will begin with both old men shouting, "Warriors, get off my lawn!"

Meanwhile, in the other story, our 50-year-old potential juror thought that drinking heavily would keep him out of court. He apparently forgot other tips like claiming to be prejudiced against everything, and being certifiably insane. It's also entirely possible that the man thought he was being asked to be a juror for the OJ Simpson trial, and was still trying to figure out what driving had to do with the mess.

Our lesson for today? Don't mess with old people. A good number of them are insane.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


You know it's serious when a college that's prohibited alcohol on campus for almost 60 years decides to reverse course. Of course, this is merely temporary, all thanks to a special event, but, for one night only (theoretically) the campus will feature booze flowing freely.

Or, at least, it will flow in a tent for media. After all, we can't expect reporters and cameramen to cover tonight's debate sober.

In many ways, this makes a lot of sense. We've watched as both campaigns have drunkenly staggered across the landscape, weaving worse than an alcoholic in a Ferrari, as they've both gone from being counted out to being the respective nominees for their parties. We've even seen them court people normally on the outside of their demographics to try and woo the voters to their side. They may say that politics makes strange bedfellows, but few bedfellows are quite so strange as the ones forged with alcohol.

Of course, this move to include potent potables would make even more sense if the debate tonight was for the VP candidates. After all, with Biden's seeming inability to open his eyes, and Palin winking her way through cutesy answers, both act like they're more comfortable speaking to support groups than the nation as a whole.

Besides, by allowing alcohol to flow at the debate, this will only encourage people to make the event into a drinking game. We suggest choosing either "maverick" or "hope". Stay away from "change", because it could be dangerous with even water.

Oh, and definitely don't decide to drink any time the candidates make a claim that can't be substantiated. That's a recipe for disaster.

Monday, October 06, 2008

The punishment fits

We're torn here, people. A large part of us wants to tear into comments made over the weekend by one of the VP candidates. Naturally, we're not talking about the guy who's taking time off from campaigning because of his mother-in-law's passing. We're talking about the woman who seems to think that quirk and being "cute" will help put her in office. After all, it was just this weekend that she decided that she wanted to link her opponents to terrorists, in spite of the fact that these links have been debunked time and time again, and also in spite of her own connections to radical groups that share a similar view.

But we won't. We're not going to step there, other than that opening paragraph. Why? Because this is America, and it's an America that we would like to believe will not vote based on scare tactics or on who winks at us the most. We'd like to think that this is an America that will vote the way they do because, well, otherwise we're Germany.

Not like Nazi Germany. No, we're talking about the Germany that sentences an elderly woman to knitting sweaters.

Now, in all fairness, the woman did go around and slash tires. Apparently all of her cries for the neighbors to get off of her lawn resulted in them putting cars on her street, and she didn't like that one bit, either. Apparently, she forgot the key point about cars with slashed tires, and how they don't go very far, and she forgot that point around 50 times. When given the original fine, she even admitted that she couldn't pay. Now, in plenty of places, not being able to pay for your criminal actions results in jail time, even if you're over 80 (in America it results in placement into government office more often than not). But in Germany, they decided to make the punishment fit the criminal.

Which is why she has to knit sweaters. When she's done, she's off the hook. We only wonder if she makes them to request, because, if so, we've got some tires she could slash.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 29, 2008

Here we sit, winking in the glow of the debates from last night. Wait, no, that's just Sarah Palin, and we can't be certain that her winking wasn't just some sort of facial tic that she couldn't control. But golly, did she answer some questions. She even gave some answers that made people think, "Darn". Good thing she's folksy, because we haven't had enough of that in the White House for the last, oh, 16 or so years. Anyways, on to the awards, shall we?

Naked Business Lunch Award
Looks like Playboy is trying to strike gold again. After having pictorials on some of the women from previous economic catastrophes, the company is now looking to the women of Wall Street. And yes, it will most likely bring a new meaning to the term "ringing the final bell". Let's just hope that IHOP never goes under.

A Fiery Ring Award
Some couples are just meant to be. In a lot of ways, it makes sense that an arsonist might find a firefighter to pair up with. Although this is probably one of the first relationships sparked (sorry) because he extinguished her flame. At least they'll never be bored.

In a Rush Award
Some people are just impatient. Some people's impatience gets them into trouble. For one Florida man, his impatience was so bad that he found himself breaking into cars in a prison parking lot, shortly after paying bail for a different arrest the previous night. Seriously, folks, if you need to commit crimes do it further than 30 feet outside of the main doors.

Spare Change Award
Who would've possibly thought that panhandlers can make upwards of $40/hour shilling on a street corner? Oh, that's right, just about everyone who's ever been accosted by them. You might ask where all the money goes, but then you'd forget about Christian Brothers, Thunderbird, and second-hand stores to keep that official homeless look going.

Moving Halloween Award
It should come as no shock, after the Vatican moved St. Patrick's Day earlier this year, but now there's a town that's decided it should celebrate Halloween on November 1. The town is trying to avoid traffic problems by having children trick-or-treat during rush hour, but the change is being met with resistance. In other news, Michael Meyers is frantically changing his schedule.

My Heart Will Go Ouch Award
A recent brawl after a concert surprised officials in Milwaukee. No, they weren't surprised that the concert was being performed by Celine Dion. They were surprised that enough people attended to fill up the nearby parking ramps.

Not Drunk, Just Disgusting Award
Looking to get a DUI charge dropped, and you happen to be visiting lovely and scenic Kazahkstan? Claim that you were drinking kumys, with it's (completely legal) 4% alcohol content. Just try to forget that kumys is actually fermented mare's milk. Admittedly, it has better taste and more alcohol than Budweiser, which is simply fermented Clydesdale urine. Hey, why else do they show the horses at Christmas time?

And, on that horribly tasteless note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back next week. We'd go on for longer, but we're still trying to figure out half of the things that either Biden or Palin talked about last night. All we really caught? Tears, and a winkjob. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

You don't say

Wow. Just wow. For a moment there, we were all ready to give credit to a Finnish gaming company for removing a violent game from their site. It's not so much the concept of violent video games that we have problems with, but more so the execution of this particular game, and games of its ilk. After all, it was a game about shooting kindergarten aged children. So here we were, all ready to congratulate them for their forward thinking.

Until we realized that they pulled it in reaction to the worst school shooting had ever seen. And it took them a week to do it.

Oh yeah, and it had been featured on a children's gaming site.

Honestly, at that point, what were they thinking? It's not like the game featured the ability to play marbles with other kids. Instead, the main character is someone walking around with a shotgun shooting kindergartners. Heck, we remember getting disturbed playing Silent Hill because some of the monsters looked to be the size of children. We simply can't fathom what would make someone decide that a game where the targets are obviously kids should be marketed to people in the game's "victim" demographic.

We don't normally get up in arms about video games. We tend to think that people can consume for themselves what they choose to, at least once their adults. We also tend to think that parents should take a more active role in the media that their children consume. However, with some many parents out of the house, the big bad internet has been utilized as something of an extra baby-sitter. In those situations, it would be nice for parents to not have to worry if their kids are finding a game called "Kindergarten Killer" just a click away from games like "Frogger" and "Pac-Man".

We'd ask Sarah Palin's advice on this, but either she won't be familiar with the concept of video games, or she'll dodge the question with circular logic. Which does mean that she's ready for her debate tonight.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Putting the "ex" in sexism

First off, before we get to our real story, we just feel the need to remind folks about something.

Seriously, stop blindly following your GPS devices. There's a road for a reason, people. Got that? Good. Moving on.

Remember not too long ago when the McCain campaign was trying to call out the media for the way they were investigating and questioning Sarah Palin? Remember specifically that they were accusing the media of being sexist in their portrayal of her as some backwoods bumpkin that thinks that, just because she can see Russia, she's traveled there? Well, in an interview with Katie Couric, we got to see just how much Palin agrees with that statement.

Apparently, not one bit.

In fact, the GOP VP candidate went so far as to say that it would be sexist for the media NOT to question her. In many ways, this is true. By simply giving her a free pass because her plumbing is internal, it would be disrespectful and sexist, much in the same way it would be racist for the media to not criticize or probe Barack Obama for being born darker of skin, or ageist for them to automatically assume that McCain can't often remember where he put his car keys (although, in his defense, he does have a lot of couches to look under).

By the same token, we have to wonder about which talking points Palin is using. After all, disagreeing with her own campaign in such a blatant way seems to show a division in the ranks. At the very least, it exhibits that McCain and his staff are out of touch with their chosen running mate and her views. True, she's still woefully underprepared, but at least she isn't (currently) jumping up and down on the sexism bandwagon, trying to hide behind an incorrectly used phrase.

Besides, from what we know about Sarah Palin, she won't hide behind incorrectly used phrases. She'll embrace and champion them, even if it makes her look like she's less qualified than a potted begonia.