Friday, December 18, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 14, 2009

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the net, news articles were flying, some about pets. No, we couldn't help it. Not this year, at least. Maybe next year. Anyways, we're back with our awards for this week, and we've got a sleighful for you. So let's get started.

Timely Award
Way to go out on a limb, Michigan. Your governor has recently declared that January shall be "Snow Sports Month". This is an attempt to get Michigan residents to go out and experience winter weather, and experience new winter activities. Meanwhile, Minnesota is planning something similar, but they are putting their events in May.

Duck and Cover Award
If you receive a text message telling you that you should duck, it might not be a bad idea to pay attention to it. Just ask some people in Des Moines, Iowa, who were given some advance notice about a drive-by shooting through just such a message. Just a note for all you would-be criminals out there, it often works against you to let your victims know what you're planning. But it does make it easier for the police, so knock yourself out.

Tis the Season for Stupid Texts Award
So, after seeing a potential drive-by shooting thwarted by too much text messaging, we just have to stay in a similar vein. Except this time, the text message was sent as a joke, and it lead to a police response. This is why you should never text that there's a person with a gun at the bank. Committing a felony while waiting in line for a teller? Yes, there is an app for that.

Somebody's Watching Award
Irony seems to be making a bit of a resurgence this holiday season, as an anti-whaling group is now complaining that they can't do their job because, and get this, they're being followed and harassed by another ship. In retaliation for an acoustic weapon being used against the anti-whaling group's helicopter, they are deliberately steering the other ship towards icebergs. After all, the holiday season is all about trying to cause accidents that lead to untimely deaths.

Green Pleasure Award
There was a big summit in Copenhagen over the past week, discussing global emissions, and finding ways to help save the environment. Naturally, what better time for a company to discuss their first "green" sex toys then at the tail end of that week. Because, apparently, being environmentally conscious should feel incredible.

Happy Holidays Pt. One Award
What's a sure-fire way to get your neighbors talking about your holiday decorations? Depict Jesus blasting Santa with a shotgun. Looks like someone got tired of hearing, "This is for your birthday AND for Christmas".

Happy Holidays Pt. Two Award
Look out, Santa. When you're not being gunned down by the Messiah, you're coming under fire for your health habits. Obviously, the man who's belly shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" may not be the person to look towards if you're watching your weight, but it still seems a bit insane for health experts to weigh in, so to speak, on the issue. It seems that they believe Santa should ditch the sleigh for biking or walking, and no more cookies for the Jolly Old Elf. The Cookie Monster couldn't be reached for comment.

Well, on that note, we wrap up our awards for yet another week. We'll have something to throw onto the fire next week. Until then, stay safe out there.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2009

The holiday feeling is in the air, and we're finding stories full of gift-giving, good cheer, and Santas doing sweet things for starving orphans. Oh, if only that were true. Hey, at least we aren't being saddled with story after story relating how people are bludgeoning others all for the sake of that one-of-a-kind Tickle-Me-Blu-Ray death laser. Well, not yet. So let's get rolling with our awards.

Irony, Thy Name is *Thud* Award
What could possibly be worse than hitting a blind man with your car while backing out of a parking spot? Admitting that you "didn't see him". Next thing you know, this woman will be complaining about having ten thousand spoons.

Feeling the Olympic Spirit Award
You know how there are logos that are incredibly iconic? Logos so well known that people know what they represent, whether words are present or not? Yeah, it's probably not the best thing idea to put any of those logos onto Ecstasy pills. Either that, or it's the best idea ever. Suddenly, previous Olympic opening ceremonies make more sense.

Feeling the Collector's Spirit Award
As a tie-in to our story above, we also have a story about a Dutch man who collected Ecstasy pills for over twenty years. The problem? The pills were recently stolen from his home. The bigger problem? Some of the pills might be poisoned. Whatever happens, we're fairly certain this collection is a lot more fun than one of stamps.

Getting Tested Award
Sporting events have included tests for performance-enhancing drugs for years. So it should come as no shock that even the world of competitive eating needs to fight the demons of people getting a bit of an edge. So be thankful that this year, for the World Pie Eating Championships, competitors will be checked randomly for things like cough medicine. After all, we'd certainly hope that anyone entering into a competition like this wouldn't have a serious cold, or it might make the whole thing a little more disgusting.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Award
Some things are just bound to happen. Winter will come. Every piece of your childhood will be turned into a big-budget Hollywood disaster. The uprising of the robot overlords, or the uprising of the zombie apocalypse. So when those things do happen, people shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. Heck, we're shocked it took this long for the first of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses to come forward with the announcement that she was interested in posing for Playboy. Now if she was talking about posing for Hustler, we might have a story.

*Cough Cough* Wow, Dude Award
This is why we need to teach our children that reading is fundamental. After all, we've pretty much proven that people are going to continue to use illegal drugs. And, society has proven that people are also going to look for "legal" ways to get the same high, without the fears of legal trouble. But when the "legal" alternative to marijuana involves an incense complete with the words "not for human consumption" on the packaging, it might be good for kids to know exactly what those particular combinations of letters mean. This is why warning labels exist, people.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with more of what we mentioned in the first paragraph, but more likely more of what we detailed throughout the rest of the post. Stay safe out there.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 30, 2009

Just a few short weeks away from the end of the year, where, if tradition strikes us and once again takes hold, we'll be presenting our Year End Lists. In the meantime, we're back with another round up of our awards for the week. Let's get the ball rolling.

Going Straight Award
Have you ever really wanted to kill someone? Actually, never mind. We just don't want to know that badly (but a quick thanks to anyone reading us in prison!). Anyways, we're pretty sure that people who have been in that position often find themselves there because they were wronged, or because they've been walking down a path towards a life of crime anyways. We'd hate to think that there are a few people who have committed such a crime because of hair care products, but hey, sometimes you really need to get that straightener back. Imagine what might have happened if extension had been involved.

Stay Off Your Own Lawn Award
Bet you never thought that you could find yourself under arrest for trespassing on your own property. A Wisconsin man had that exact thing happen to him recently, after a dispute with a work crew installing a pipeline through his land. This is exactly why we so rarely leave the comfort of our bedroom.

Burn, Baby, Burn Award
Let's say that you find out your husband is potentially cheating on you. Do you get revenge by having an affair of your own? Maybe performing a little surgery? Setting his private parts on fire? Guys, seriously, this is a concern. So maybe try to be a little faithful... not all of you will get beaten up with your own golf clubs.

A Generous Thanks Award
It isn't every day that a would-be robber can be reformed with a simple act of kindness, but a store owner in New York was rewarded for doing just that. After stopping a man from robbing him, the store owner gave the culprit some cash and some food. He has since received a letter of thanks, and a return on his investment. Sometimes, it really does pay to have faith in the inherent goodness of people.

Lost in Translation Award
One would hope that, if they ever are forced to go to court for a crime, they will be able to speak the language of the judge. If not, they should certainly hope that they'll receive a translator who doesn't skew your answers. That didn't happen for a Laotian immigrant in a Nevada court of law, but, even with the errors, the evidence was enough to uphold the decision. And this is why we never plan on committing crimes in foreign countries. We have enough problems with English.

Cut and Cut Award
Be careful when filming your low budget movie. You might get the police called on you. That's what happened for a group filming a horror movie in California, as the screams of an actress drew concern from people in the area. Another option might be to let as much of the immediate area know that a movie is being shot there, but then you run the risk of having your craft services raided by well-meaning, but hungry, suburbanites.

Heavage? Really? Award
Thank you, Wall Street Journal. Thank you for the in-depth reporting. Thanks for covering what matters. Thanks for letting us know that more men are wearing "chest-baring" shirts, and that the term for such a display has been coined as "heavage". Where else could we find such useful information, short of looking at the supermarket tabloids, or the celebrity magazines. We're proud to see such high class information coming from such an esteemed news organization.

That wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll see you next Friday. Stay safe out there.