Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 2, 2009

Hello, everyone. Things have been quiet here on the CSM, for a couple of reasons. We've been busier with non-CSM things, and we're contemplating maybe taking the blog in a new direction. But, well, in the meantime, we'll at least try to commit to getting something up every once in awhile. Like today, where we come back with a bevy of awards. Let's dive in.

Clothes for Hide and Seek Award
This should come as a shock to nobody, but some people outside of the military wear camouflage clothes. This group of people can include children, which apparently makes some parents uneasy. However, people shouldn't worry about camo-wearing kids, unless they also start applying face paint to help them blend in better. In which case, be ready to get jumped by a roving gang of 5-year-olds.

Playing in Traffic Award
Speaking of children, sometimes they play in areas that are hazardous to them. We like to call most of those areas "playgrounds", but we digress. The worst place for kids to play? In the middle of the street, while their drunk father sleeps. But don't worry, after the kids were found the first time, child protection services were called. Sure, the dad fell asleep and the kids wandered away before CPS got there, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

Bad Idea/Bad Idea Award
We know we've gone over this before, people. If someone steals your marijuana, don't call the police. And definitely don't make it worse by then driving drunk, trying to find the culprit. Next time, seriously, only call if your munchies are stolen, and then stay home.

Dress for Success Award
We don't really know how to dress when planning on committing a crime. We would assume that choosing something non-descript would be a good plan, possibly opting for dark colors. We might also advocate in favor of something to conceal or distort the face. We definitely would not suggest a High School Musical blanket. You know, not unless you want to have to explain to your cellmate all about Zac Efron.

Way Ahead of You Award
Thank goodness the Parents Television Council exists. If it wasn't for them urging people not to watch an upcoming episode of "Gossip Girl" on the CW, something tragic might have happened. For example, people might have realized that the CW television network still exists.

Bottoms Up Award
How often do people really look at online advertising? Probably more than you'd imagine. After all, just about every one of us could probably recreate with little prompting the crazy dancing silhouettes selling car insurance. So that could be why some advertisers decide to get a little risque with their promotions. Some people, however, feel that the ads are akin to soft core porn. Listen, if people wanted to find porn of any kind on the internet, they certainly won't click on someone's advertisement... at least, not as a first resort.

Just Gimme a Kiss Award
As it turns out, kissing may only have roots in some sort of base stimulation, at least for women. Apparently, kissing can help a woman actually improve her immune system. With the recent H1N1 outbreak, it seems like now would be a perfect time to test that theory.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you when we see you. Stay safe out there.

Rough first day on the job?

Think back to the worst first day you ever experienced on a job. No matter how bad it was, there's a good chance that a Utah man will have had a worse day than you. In fact, there's a good chance that he's had the worst first day in the history of employment.

After all, how many times have you found yourself kidnapped by your trainer?

That's what happened to a man who was starting his new career at a commercial baking company. His trainer suggested that they take a break a couple of hours into the shift. So the two took their break, got into a car, and headed to a nearby gas station to get something to drink. Then, the car turned away from work, and the driver started talking about his life, and his problems. It wasn't until the passenger was allowed out of the car to use the restroom that things started to turn around for him.

While we've definitely had jobs that we've wanted to leave on the first day, we've never gotten to the point where we find ourselves kidnapping new hires. The worst that we can see ourselves doing would be warning people about the soul crushing that they're bound to experience.

Of course, for many people, warning them won't do any good. The new job will at least carry a different style of despair than a previous job.

And sometimes variety is enough.

One for the road

How exactly can one display both bravery and stupidity at the same time? Well, trying to emulate a superhero might just work. Another, less spandex-clad way?

Just finish your vodka after the cops have already pulled you over for a DUI.

That's just what happened in Ohio, after a man was pulled over. Originally, he was being looked at by the police for allegedly breaking into his former girlfriend's place. He followed that with a bit of a search, having left the scene before the police got there. When they finally did catch up with him, he was quickly given a field sobriety test, proving that he was intoxicated, and therefore the police were prepared to arrest him for the DUI. They also were going to arrest him for driving with an open container of alcohol.

But, in a brilliant example of making matters worse, the man drained the rest of the vodka bottle, thereby giving himself full access to yet another charge, this time for tampering with the evidence. More impressive, he didn't drink the remainder of the liquor until after his sobriety test. Perhaps it was merely a thought of, "Well, I'm already in trouble."

At least the guy wasn't seeing Rudolph in his pork chops. Because that would be weird.

Where did that go?

Have you ever tried to find something, and just can't seem to remember where you left it? People will always say that it's in the last place you look, but that's because it doesn't make sense to keep looking after you've found it. Still, it can be an irritating thing, especially if what you're looking for is of some importance to you.

Now the real question. Have you ever done it with a baggie full of drugs? How about one that's stuck to your forehead?

A Pennsylvania man just had that experience. Even worse, the drugs were discovered by a police officer, after the baggie had apparently fallen out of his cap. After all, what better place to hide something illegal than right in front (and slightly above) of your own eyes? If you're smoking enough marijuana, you might want to leave it there so that you can easily be reminded of where it is.

Still, there have to be smarter locations to hide your drugs. Our first suggestion, naturally, would be to not actually carry drugs with you. After all, if you really need them, do you really need to bring them everywhere? It might not be convenient to leave them at home, but it might be wiser in the long run. If that fails, we're pretty sure that there's a tremendous invention called the "pocket" that some of these drug users could look into. It might be a bit safer of a location.

Although we suddenly understand the hipster fascination with trucker hats now.

So long, and thanks for the single fish

Domestic violence rears its ugly head far too often. Sadly, not a day can go by without someone finding themselves in trouble with the law for beating up on a significant other. So what is it that really sets today's story apart, in such a way that we had to write about it?

How often do people stab fish in the altercations?

We're just going to guess not all that often, really. In fact, we can't recall the last time that we ever saw something quite so strange. Well, sure, there are all the garden gnomes acting like Nazis, but this is still weirder. After all, it's not like we're talking about a large fish, here. It was simply a betta, so nothing too overly large.

Okay, so a quick rewind and recap. A man decided that he needed to have a heart-to-heart with his ex-girlfriend. That didn't go quite the way he was hoping, so he lashed out. She left and called the police, returning with an officer in tow. Left behind in the middle of her wood floor was her purple fish, with a knife through it. Oh, and the the fish had originally been bought by the boyfriend in the whole situation.

If that wasn't weird enough, there was apparently also a consideration to ban the man from being within a certain distance of fish. So much for those visits to Petco.

Listen, if you really feel the need to commit some sort of violence against fish, there are better ways to go about it. Heck, if you just go out on a boat, you might even get people to pay you for what you do.

You know, for the seafood lover in all of us.

Sexy bitches

All right. This has gone far enough. We remember a time where Halloween used to be about dressing in costume, having fun, and candy laced with razor blades. You know, a more innocent time. But it seems like every where you go, a new crop of "sexy" costumes is out there, and they don't necessarily discriminate by age. Okay, so maybe these costumes were always out there in some shape or form, but it just seems like it's gotten more prevalent in past years.

And now the next step has been taken. Want proof that people have gone too far, and they no longer have any sense of decency when it comes to Halloween?

They're selling "sexy" costumes for dogs. Yes, dogs.

Dogs, people? Really? If you must put a dog into a costume, shouldn't you go with tried and true (and, admittedly, dorky) costumes like the hot dog, or something like that? Why is there even a demand for people to see a poodle dressed like a French maid? Who wants a chihuahua made up to resemble a school girl?

On second thought, don't answer those questions. We really don't want to know. As it is, we'll already be quietly rocking in a corner, muttering to ourselves to make the bad things go away.

After all, "sexy" dogs is a scarier image than most horror movies can concoct.

Sound sleep

There are many stories out there about people doing bizarre things in their sleep. From tales of people walking, to legends of people driving, all the way to sagas about people waking up in bed with strangers mid-fornication, the sleeping mind can sometimes cause the sleeping body to do a little more than expected.

But who would have guessed that one of the more amazing things that could happen to someone while they slept would be that they just remained sleeping? Of course, when you're surrounded by a house fire, not panicking is a pretty big feat.

What makes this story even more amazing is that, not only did the man sleep through the blaze, but part of the house collapsed, and the fire department was pretty sure that nobody could have survived. He was discovered after the fire was under control, during a walk through.

Admittedly, we've been prone to wanting to stay in bed when we're warm, but we're also fairly certain that, around 150 degrees or more, it should start getting too hot to sleep. Never mind about the water that had to rain down, in an attempt to put the fire out, which would have a high chances of finishing any sort of wake-up job that the heat didn't. Of course, there is the distinct lack of oxygen, that would allow a sleeping individual to remain asleep.

All told, though, it's very impressive that this man was able to survive, while his house collapsed around him. Let's just hope he doesn't decide he has super powers that need to be tested.