Monday, June 30, 2008

Seemed like a good idea

The rising gas prices have definitely hit people a lot harder than they were originally expecting. Consequently, people are looking to new ways to save money at the pump. A number of folks are engaging in hypermiling. Others have considered public transportation, or (gasp) traded in their SUVs for something more gas efficient. Still others are looking to more illegal ways to conserve money.

One of those people who fell to stealing gas did it with a power drill, and a bucket. His biggest problem? Forgetting to take the personalized drill with him after a theft.

After the police found the drill, and traced the trail back to the neighborhood where someone with that name just happened to live, they were able to make their arrest. Oh, and it should be noted that, inside the house, evidence of a meth lab was found.

Alright people. We've said things like this before, but we've never had to actually say this. First off, stop stealing gas. It doesn't make it any better on anyone else, and, well, it really isn't making you the best person. Secondly, if you do need to steal gas, don't drill a hole in the tank. You run the risk of an explosion, and you can't possibly tap that particular resource again in a few days. Last, but not least, if you do decide that you can only steal gas using a drill, don't write your name on it and leave it behind.

We have to wonder if the guy wore gloves, so that he wouldn't leave any prints on the drill, to make it harder to tie back to him.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 27, 2008

Welcome to Friday. Another week over, another month about to slip past us, and we've been spending time digging through the news to find our awards for this week. Since we just don't have the heart to say farewell to June quite yet, let's get rolling with the awards.

Ladders Is Confusing Award
A man in Hampshire County, England, was recently able to sue his county council for 50,000 pounds after a fall from a ladder. Specifically, he was able to sue because they never instructed him in the ladder's proper use. The courts are lowering his suit by 25%, claiming that he himself had some negligence in the case. After all, these new fangled ladders, what with the rungs spaced out at a gradual height increase, causing one to need to climb as they move from step to step, are just far too confusing for the average person to handle. Maybe they should have held a 6-week intensive training course.

Driver Ready Award
We almost feel bad for the subject of our next story. After all, he really thought that he was getting ahead of the curve when he tried to carjack a vehicle. The only problem? He couldn't put the car into gear. And people said that there's no reason to learn how to drive a manual transmission.

What Do You Want On Your Tombstone? Award
Often, being a prostitute ratting out a pimp gets, at the very least, a few well-placed slaps and possibly a death threat or two. For an Ohio hooker, about to be released thanks to some well-placed tips, it resulted in a pizza. Next time, she's planning on holding out for a free order of Crazy Bread.

Pull Up Your Pants Award
You know that a city's police force have solved all major crime problems when the incoming chief of police decides that his officers need to crack down (pun slightly intended) on baggy pants. In the interest of fairness, we expect to see a future agenda item about pants that start just below the armpits. Thank goodness Flint, MI is so safe.

Stunned By Love Award
A Colorado man recently decided to use some rather unconventional means to try and convince his girlfriend to sleep with him. And by "unconventional means", we mean he threatened her with a stun gun. And he wonders why she would just lie there.

Denial After the Campaign Award
We have to give former DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe some credit; after all, when the man holds onto his ideals, nothing is going to move him from that stance. Proof of that? McAuliffe has claimed that, if she really wanted to, Hillary Clinton could become Pope, saying that she can do anything she wants. Y'know, except for become President in 2008.

That Trick Never Works Award
Maybe it was a clever marketing tool. Maybe it was an attempt at misdirection on the part of the men. However, two men in Grand Rapids, MI have recently been arrested for selling illegal fireworks. The catch? One of the men already had a warrant out for his arrest. Boy, it's a good thing that they didn't have illegal drugs with them, to--- oh, wait. Apparently the man with the warrant decided he wanted to try to take down three birds with one stone. Looks like there are still some overachievers out there in the world.

Not Like Others Award
Finally, it looks like OJ Simpson still hasn't quite gotten a handle on his newest piece of fame. When asked recently about an upcoming trial for his alleged armed robbery, Simpson proceeded to claim that he's only facing trial because of "who he is". Seemingly, the former NFL great believes that other people in his shoes would not face the same kinds of situations. He's probably correct. Almost anyone else trying to flee cops in California (even at low speeds) would at least be sitting in prison, if not worse.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, where we'll learn if a couple of George Carlin's words have become suitable for television audiences. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

It's magic, you know

Well, yesterday, we had a visit from our good friend Science. So it only seems natural that today we would check up on one of our other regular subjects. And, since we've admittedly been avoiding politics for a bit (the primaries just wore us down), it looks like we have to turn our gaze to the criminal element. After all, in a world where kids think that they can emulate Grand Theft Auto, and where McDonalds thinks they can emulate Devo, it just makes sense to look at that portion of society that doesn't tend to agree with things like laws.

Thankfully, we've got crooks like the kind in Leeds, UK. With an eye for the Ford Focus radios, these burglars have something of a calling card. But before you assume that they are looking to move the radios, or possibly even install them into their own car, you should realize why they're taking the sound systems.

According to rumors, a "magic" chip in the Ford radios actually holds the ability to get free television.

Listen, to all of you crooks in Leeds that read us, take our word for it. Ford Focus radios can barely pick up the radio stations that they're built to carry. There's no way that they've got a magic "free cable" chip installed in them. So all you're really doing is yanking out the sound system from someone who probably already feels a little ashamed of the fact that they're driving a Focus. So please, stop pursuing this foolish course of action. You're just going to make yourselves look even worse in the public eye, and, after a short time, you'll have a pile of car stereos that you can't possibly get rid of.

Y'know, unless that's your idea of decor. We wouldn't want to judge.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Aiming for good

Boy, it's a good thing that we've got scientists and researchers devoting time to some very serious studies out there. One of the newest studies to come out of the think tanks of the world is one about the very serious, and under-researched, topic of sex. And, of course, by under-researched, we are discounting all of the high school and college students that spend vast majorities of their time focusing solely on the subject.

The results of this study? Apparently, women are more interested in "quality" sex, while men are more concerned with "quantity". Shocking results, really. We never would have guessed that women derive more satisfaction from good sex, and we just couldn't imagine that men would think of going through their lives bouncing from one sexual partner to another.

Thank goodness that this study doesn't reinforce sexual stereotypes, either. The survey was conducted with regards to one-night stands, where over half of the women expressed negative feelings. Meanwhile, over half of the men felt positively, had increased self-esteem, and wanted their friends to find out. Which is really refreshing to learn, because we always assumed that men felt empty and shallow at the end of a one-night stand, where women were bouncing on clouds for the rest of the week after a chance sexual encounter.

So thank you, Durham University. We can only assume that you're sitting on a cancer cure until the perfect moment, so we are giddy with anticipation.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Everybody celebrate!

Sometimes, a little exuberance can be a bad thing. Obviously, being at a sporting event and surrounded by angry fans of the opposing team would be one of those times. So would trying to be sneaky while stealing some intimate time with a partner in the library stacks. And let's not even imagine how exuberance could backfire at the dentist's office.

And yet there's another time that far too many people automatically discount. And that time, of course, is when your neighbor informs you that they were just recently in a bar fight. Sure, show your solidarity. Just don't do it with a gun.

A man in Kansas learned that the hard way, after shooting himself above the eye and surviving. Even his bar fighting neighbor told him that it probably wasn't the best idea to fire the revolver into the air, which prompted the man to point the gun at his own head. And this was all because he wanted to show his support for his neighbor.

Whatever happened to the good old days, when people would show support with a firm pat on the back, or a celebratory party, or a hooker delivered while their wife was out of town visiting her mother? Maybe this can all be blamed on the 24-news channels, which continually feature images of Middle Easterners firing rifles into the air at the slightest hint of celebration. Or frustration. Or the fact that it's Tuesday.

Meanwhile, ABC is trying to figure out how to make this part of their new series, "Wipeout".

Monday, June 23, 2008

Keeping it in the family

We found a truly touching story today. A story that shows the types of bonds that only families can truly share. The type of bond between a mother and her son. Admittedly, this bond might get the mother thrown into jail, but she still showed her dedication.

Which also goes to prove that sometimes, dedication trumps things like intelligence.

But we want to give some credit to this mother. After all, we know that it must be hard to see a loved one locked behind bars, serving time for crimes that they committed (and then new crimes that they committed when they escaped a few years back). We would all want to ease their pain and suffering in such times. And we're fairly certain that she isn't the first mother to try to help her child out by working as a drug mule to get what he needs to him behind bars. We're also going to bet that she probably wasn't the first mother to hide such contraband in her wig, although not every mother has a son who's nickname was derived from their own wig-wearing shenanigans.

Yes, you read that correctly. The mother of a man known as the Red Wig Bandit packed cocaine and marijuana into her own wig, and tried to sneak the drugs to her son. And now, she may find herself awaiting a prison term of her own. The cocaine was probably the tipping point. She might have been able to convince the judges that the pot was medicinal.

Just goes to prove, if you're related to someone famous for wearing wigs, maybe it's time to shave your head. Just ask the family of Dame Edna.


A quick moment of seriousness, to say a thank-you and farewell to Mr. George Carlin. If it wasn't for him, his 7 words, and his belief that "you can joke about anything, it all depends on what the exaggeration is", we probably wouldn't be writing this today. Well, we would be, but we probably wouldn't be quite so caustic as often. Thank you, George.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 16, 2008

Here we are, on another Friday. Spring is about to slip away from us, as the NHL Entry Draft proves. As for ourselves, we're looking forward to spending the first official day of summer pouring suds for people, so, we've got to hand out our awards, and get our heads into beer mode. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Boobs for Boobs Award
Leave it to science, once again. Apparently, it took years (or at least pages) of research to come to what seems like a logical conclusion; men become less wise around sexy imagery. Specifically, the study showed the bikinis cause men to make bad decisions. We, of course, are shocked and appalled by such a line of thought. What's next, Science? A study showing that images of naked women cause heterosexual men to think about sex? Thanks to Agent P. Berry for passing this along.

Already Open Award
We're all familiar with the old phrase, "Open up, it's the police". Well, for a man in Lakeville, MN, he didn't even get the pleasure of opening the door. That's because, at 3am, the police walked into his house to remind him to lock his door. On one hand, the intrusion could have resulted in a far worse reaction. On the other, it's a little creepy that the police were going around to make sure that the house was locked. And, in unrelated news, burglars are now going around reminding people to leave a window open.

Reading, Writing, and Red, Puffy Burns Award
A teacher in Ohio may be in the process of losing their job. Not because of his Christian teaching in the public schools, and not because of his insistence on keeping the Bible nearby. He appears to be running into trouble due to burning crosses into the arms of students. In spite of the burns, the teacher is often referred to by students as "a great guy". It should be noted that the teacher allows the kids to listen to Creed whenever they want.

Sliding Leave Award
An Air Force serviceman is getting his leave extended. Is it to spend more time with family, or tie up things at his job? Nope, it's to attend the grand opening of a new White Castle restaurant. Harold and Kumar would be so proud.

Children Are Our (Overprotected) Future Award
A school in West Sussex recently cancelled their "Sports Day" events, which help promote children getting outside and being active. The reason why? The fields were uneven, and kids might have fallen. This also just in; children are made out of glass, and should never ever ever be allowed to do something that might involve them tripping and/or getting their hands dirty.

This Flight Stinks Award
If you were recently on a flight from Miami to Bogata, you might have had a reason to complain about the odor on the flight. Turns out that, just prior to take-off, a stowaway skunk decided it needed to lighten its load into the area. We just have to wonder how the skunk was able to afford the fee for checked baggage.

Choose Your Own Limit Award
What's the best way to keep motorists safe on the roadways at all times? Well, that's a fairly subjective question. However, a good bet is that having a variable speed limit, that changes over the day multiple times, probably isn't the best bit of planning on their part. The best part? The speed limit changes will be suggested by a computer, because computers have never caused any problems for people. Would you like to play a game?

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week with more stories, hopefully less rain, and the knowledge that we were directly responsible for people drinking. Kind of like Wednesday nights. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The entrepreneurs

There are plenty of people who embody the entrepreneurial spirit of the American society. Sometimes, it's something small like running a lemonade stand, and other times, it's making sure that your private company gets large government contracts, possibly through collusion. But the spirit exists everywhere, and people are eager to jump on board a new business opportunity.

Well, some people. However, as a man in Allenspark, CO recently learned, not everyone is supportive of all businesses. This was the lesson he learned after attempting to open an ATV store, and having his dreams shut down by the community and the local planning commission. Not one to give up easily, the man is now looking to start a new business, and hopes to open his new "porn gallery" in August. And, in the spirit of togetherness, the man isn't even placing his own name on the store front. Instead, he's decided to name his business after his most vocal opponent.

This could be a smart move on his part, or it could be incredibly devastating to his standing. After all, either the community will back down on their stance regarding the ATV store, reasoning that a porn shop would be worse for them, or they'll completely embrace the adult video and toy location, reasoning that plenty of people in the town have a bit of kink to them. Sure, the man may need to rethink his ideas for the name of the location, but he might just get to keep his second store. And, if they turn this option down, he may be able to go back to his original dream.

Of course, he could also be setting himself up for the long haul. After all, we're fairly certain that he could seamlessly blend the porn gallery WITH an ATV shop, and it would be able to cater, largely, to a similar cross-over clientele. And it could certainly lead to people finding their horizons broadened.

Ultimately, though, in America, the litigious spirit tends to outbalance even the most clever entrepreneur, as is evidenced by a family in Oregon who is suing the local bus company for their son's death in an accident. We almost sided with the family on this one, until we learned that the boy didn't follow traffic laws, which lead directly to the collision.

But at least he wasn't cruising around with pot "in his pants".

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It's Happy Fun Ball!

Okay, so it's not Happy Fun Ball. While we're fairly certain that the subject of today's article probably shouldn't be taunted, we're also pretty confident that it's not made of a material that "fell to Earth, presumably from outer space". However, we can't really say that we're shocked at the notion of the toy in question being banned. After all, the name alone conjures up some pretty bad imagery.

The toy is called the Fire Footbag.

That's right. A toy, for children, with the word "fire" right in the name. If it helps, the fire isn't just a clever marketing name. Oh no. The footbag is actually intended to be lit on fire.

Yep. A toy that gets kicked from child to child (or, more accurately, hippie to hippie or stoner to stoner) has moved from being a simple bean-filled crocheted ball to being a flaming projectile of pain. Even better, the footbag wasn't simply meant to be lit on fire by itself. Oh, no, first it needs to be soaked in a flammable liquid.

The kicker behind this? People didn't realize it was dangerous until AFTER reports of burns started appearing. Listen, folks, we can understand that maybe people didn't see the inherent danger in something like Jarts when they first came out. After all, how many people would knowingly run under a sharp, metal-tipped dart the size of a dachshund (the answer, as it turns out, is a surprisingly high number)? But a bag soaked in fuel and lit on fire? For people to kick at each other? And they couldn't see the inherent problems?

Or maybe they could, and the toy got banned before they could roll out the second phase, with instructions on how to play the fun new game, "Stop, Drop, and Roll".

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The New Dumb, from Garmin

Oh, ABC News. You have posed a question for all the masses. A question heavy with its meaning. A question which shall surely resonate high from the tallest mountaintops, and reverberate low in the deepest valleys. A question that definitely falls into the category of "Things to Make You Go Hmmm".

A question about whether or not GPS is going to make us dumb as a society.

Oh, the faith posed in such a question. The strong belief that people are truly smarter than they let on, and it is merely through the creation of GPS and other modern conveniences that we have lost some of our mental faculties. We applaud you for holding onto that faith. At the same time, we wonder just how out of touch you are.

People are already dumb.

Sure, there are definitely flashes of intelligence within each and every one of us. But, as a society, people are getting less intelligent, or at least less intelligent in the standard ways. Some of the things that we have lost have been because modern conveniences have taken them away from us. So what if we can't tell time by looking at an analog clock? Could earlier generations install a new video card into their computer? We didn't think so (and we're not listening to any excuses about earlier generations not having computers. If they were so much smarter, they should have invented them earlier).

But to place the blame for people becoming less intelligent on simple devices is missing some of the key factors behind this trend. Sure, blame the GPS devices, and the cell phones with their massive stores of saved numbers, and the microwaves that have taught generations to never learn how to build a fire. But blaming these things while ignoring the uprising of reality television, celebutards, and the second term of the GDub Administration unevenly places the blame.

So, ABC, in answer to your question, no, the GPS will not make us dumb. We're already there.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Time is a strange thing. For some, it moves far faster than it should. For others, it just seems to drag on and on. And for a third group, it does exactly what it's supposed to do, and that's tell us how long it is before our pizza's done and we can get back from commercials.

And yet, for many, time is simply a measurement of the changes that we all go through. Take, for example, the recent guest of honor at an alumni parade in Andover, MA. After all, it isn't every day that you get to see a 107-year-old leading the parade. It's even less frequent when, on the date of his 90-year reunion, he also gets an indiscretion from the past wiped off the slate. Happily for him, the school no longer looks as poorly on his late night voyage to watch a fire with fellow classmates, which will allow him to hold his head high for his 95-year reunion.

Also, to illustrate the fluidity of time and how it marches to its own drum, look at the new concept in footwear for babies. Dubbed "Heelarious", they're just what they sound like; high heels for infants up to six months. But oh, before you plan on having your newborn walk the catwalk, take note. The Heelarious shoes are not made for walking, because the heel wouldn't be able to support the weight. And since we know so many 3-month-olds that are walking, we're confident that this is a major concern. But, well, why should these fashion designers hold onto the usual concepts of time, when it can be shaped so easily to their whim?

Of course, the last thing about time is that it's a marker. It's a signifier of what is to come, and what has come to pass. It is that final tolling of a bell, or that new bud of spring. Over the weekend, we learned of just one of those instances. While we may never have the reach, or the impact, or even the hairline, of anyone involved with "Meet the Press" we can give our respect, our sympathy, and our thoughts. Goodbye and thank you, Mr. Russert.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 9, 2008

Welcome back to another rollicking Friday recap. Of course, today we're staring Friday the 13th squarely in the jowls, but we aren't afraid of a little superstition. Just to be safe, though, we have made a point out of avoiding black cats, not stepping on cracks, and tossing salt shakers over our shoulders. After all, we wouldn't want to court destruction. So, that being said, let's get rolling with the awards, shall we?

So Much for Checks and Balances Award
So the Supreme Court ruled recently that Guantanamo Bay detainees still have rights, which might stop some of their trials. In a shocking change of policy, the President has backed that statement. Just kidding, folks. He completely disagrees, and is going to plow ahead with the trials anyways. If need be, he'll actually enact new legislation to back up his point. Because, when you're the most popular US President in the history of the 21st century, why should you let some little, out-dated notion like legality or the Constitution stand in your way?

Open Mouth, Insert FOXNews Award
FOXNews is apparently seeing how quickly their staff can respond to errors made by their on-air team as this presidential season heats up. The most recent problem? A message at the bottom of the screen referring to Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama", which, for the three of you that don't know, isn't a term generally used with a positive connotation. Actually, we completely understand Michelle's complaint with this. "Baby Mama" looked like a terrible movie.

Wrong Speed Stick Award
What do you get when you cross an habitual armpit sniffer with the Singapore police? 14 years in jail and 18 strokes with a cane. It's rumored the man was mentally unstable. Rumored? The man wandered around and molested women by smelling their underarms. If that isn't unstable, then we're afraid to find out what is.

Blame it On the Rain Award
We know that people don't like rain, especially on big event days. It forces many to stay inside, it cancels baseball games, and it gets the dogs paws wet. Rain on a graduation day may cost an Arizona school $400, because they chose to keep the graduation outside (thereby accommodating more guests). The man behind the suit refers to the old Boy Scout motto of "Be Prepared". And yes, we're willing to bet that the man didn't think to bring an umbrella in case of showers.

Immigration Schmimigration Award
At a time when more and more Americans find themselves out of a job due to the troubled state of the economy, we have to look to a New York congressman for the bill that he introduced. If his bill succeeds, it would create up to 1000 new visa slots for immigrant workers. Of course, those workers would be fashion models, but still. Apparently, it's unfair that the models are currently competing in the same pool as doctors and software developers. After all, they may not be able to remove a diseased appendix, but damn, can they walk a catwalk!

Nekkid at the Capitol Award
After talking about women getting paid to wear clothes, it only makes sense to talk about naked women. Naked women all over the place. Appearing front of buildings, inside hallways, and under soft lights. Naked women in our nation's capitol. Naked women that offend a Texas delegate. Naked women that aren't actual women, but sculptures and paintings. After all, when kids can turn on practically any channel on television (or surf to any website with pictures) and see celebrities swearing or bearing things that should be concealed, the first thing we need to do is eliminate bonafide art from the equation. Then we can move on to the troubling concept of dogs playing poker.

You Take The High Road Award
Wow. So very impressive. It's not often that an actor decides that they should remove their name as a candidate for a potential award, because they felt that they didn't actually turn in good enough work to get the credit. After all, actors are such a self-congratulatory lot that they instituted awards shows just to give themselves more awards (yes, we're looking at you, Screen Actors Guild Awards). So major props to Katherine Heigl for taking the stand that she did against her Emmy nomina- what's that? Oh, she blamed the writers of the show? The same writers that she made such a point of supporting during the strike? Um... yeah... about that praise. Um.... we just didn't have good material.

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We'll be back on Monday, with more news about fewer celebrities. Until then, stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

For your eyes only

People, people, people. How many times do we need to share this little tidbit of information with you? Never, ever, EVER send a camera phone video of yourself doing anything inappropriate (like, say, masturbating) to the phone of someone who you've been borderline stalking. Never do it. Next time you think it's a good idea, remember that it's not.

And why is it such a horrible idea? Well, because really, at that point, the best you can hope for is that they just post the video online through file-sharing sites, forever bronzing your lack of equipment or technique for the world to see. The worst case scenario?

You send it while she's at the police station making a complaint about your actions.

Just keep that in mind. When you think you're only sending the person you like creeping out footage of a little self-pleasure, you may be sending it off to the police. And while a lot of cops know a thing or two about the act, they probably don't really feel the need to get a video primer into just how familiar you get with your hands.

Unless, of course, you can splice a nature documentary-style voice over to the entire process. At least that adds an air of class.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A time and place for everything

Today, we almost find ourselves stepping back into our personal history, back to a time before our weekly awards postings, back to a time where we still felt the need to classify a post with multiple stories under a random title, and came up with something a little off-kilter. Almost, because we're not going to bow to the pressure like that. We are, however, going to tie our three stories from today together thematically. Basically, that theme being the subject line for today, and pointing out how each story involves missing on either one, or both, levels.

Take, for example, the couple that decided to have sex in church. In and of itself, that's fairly bad, at least as far as most church doctrine is concerned. Now take a moment to realize that they did it in the confessional booth, and you've got a wonderful example of the wrong place. First of all, they had to have been just a bit cramped. And secondly, what if a priest actually had to use the booth? Would they be encouraged to say, "Forgive us, Father, but we're sinning right now"? Besides, most guys would be a little worried about trying to get her to say, "Oh, God" in such a location, lest there be a mix-up as to who's being addressed.

Which moves us on to someone who got confused on both time and place (yes, we're saving just time for last, but trust us. We have a reason). After a mugging on a tram in Bromley (UK), the robber decided that he needed to check out his newly gotten goods a little better. So he stopped and did it, by looking in the reflective surface of the tram's security camera. Because there certainly would have been no way to look in a mirror at any other location. We have to wonder if the robber knew the camera was there and filming his every move. If this had happened in America, we could have been fairly certain that he was actually trying to use the mugging as an audition for a FOX program, but, in the UK, we think he might just have been confused.

Confusion leaks into our final story. Apparently, GDub has found something to regret, and is attempting to spend his final months in office changing a perspective. That perspective that people seem to have of him? The idea that he was a war monger, and relatively opposed to the notion of a peace process. In fact, he even seems to think that some of his rhetoric may have fueled the perceptions. Well, heck, we certainly can't imagine how phrases like "bring it on" would in any possible way be confused as some sort of desire to start a fight. After all, every time we hear someone say those lines, it inevitably leads to puppies and ice cream, and not, as VPCheney might hope, puppy-flavored ice cream. We're definitely going to put this into the category of "wrong time", since, well, there's really no good time to try and reverse your stance on such a strong and polarizing issue. We're fairly certain that Charlton Heston didn't lie on his death bed saying, "It's okay, Tommy... you can take my gun now. I don't want you to have to pry it or anything... you might scratch the finish."

Maybe tomorrow we'll get to play "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil." That could be entertaining in its own right.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tipping one back

Sometimes, we find ourselves surprised by even the articles that we read in our unending search for just the right material. For example, we were shocked to learn that the GOP McGranddaddy is even joking about using Google to do research on his potential VP candidates. Not because we didn't think he knew about Google... it's just that we expected him to be a Yahoo! user.

Sadly, though, there are other things that don't surprise us, such as learning that, in some parts of the UK, you can't even buy a bottle of BBQ sauce without an ID. After all, when the sauce also contains alcohol, you definitely need to be worried about people buying it just to chug.

Wait. Wait just a minute. Seriously? People would consider chugging that? Alright, so it'll taste better than Thunderbird, most box wine, and Christian Brothers, but still. The consistency alone should be enough to put people off of the concept, and the overwhelming aroma of spice and other flavors should finish the job. Besides, who really wants to look like a Famous Dave's-branded wino? Do they refuse to sell mouthwash without ID, too? Because we could actually picture people drinking that. It'd be like cheap vodka in a plastic bottle, only not as toxic.

But again, this really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, this is the same country that's also been hard at work manufacturing the rotating ice-cream cone. For those days when moving your tongue is just too much work.

Monday, June 09, 2008

First, they came for the Cheetos...

In Toronto, it's about to become a lot more difficult to find things that are not meant for children's eyes. Instead of their typical placement, these items are going to be kept behind the counter, in drawers or behind grey wall coverings, so as to keep the young and impressionable Canadian children from looking at their shameful presence. Of course, by reading this, you just know that we're not talking about porno magazines. Those get to stay right in plain view.

We're talking about cigarettes.

On one hand, this makes a lot of sense, even in the face of the magazines keeping their place of honor. After all, seeing bared breasts probably isn't going to eventually lead to a horrible death for the kids, and starting smoking almost undoubtedly will. Besides, it's been postulated before that part of the reason why American culture is so repressive and poorly-informed about sexual themes is because we do so much to hide it. Of course, hiding cigarettes may lead to less education and an even higher "taboo" factor (and how many teenagers want to do something just because it's considered bad by their elders... maybe we should start defaming calculus and literacy). But removing them from the public eye could slowly instill a culture of non-smoking into Canada, and, if it works there, it seems like it could only be a matter of time before it spreads to America.

Heck, this whole movement could be just like hockey. After a few years of success, we could just relocate this entire plan to somewhere in the south (we're thinking New Orleans) and claim it as our own.

In the meantime, here in the US of A, we're going to keep our liquor, porn, and cigarettes right where they belong. Within easy reach of a 10-year-old.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 2, 2008

Well, here we are, ending the first week of June for this year. And we're looking out the windows, wondering what kind of weather we're going to get. Will it just be rainy? Or will it be rainy with a high likelihood of destruction? We'll just have to wait and see. Good thing we have cable news channels to keep us going. Which moves us into our awards, so let's get those started.

Good Advice Award
When driving in Cyprus, be sure to follow their new and improved road rules. After all, they're now asking that people use the horn less frequently, restrain children in seats, and not abandon cars that are in motion. It seems like that last one would go without saying. After all, the only time that one should dive from a moving car is during a high-speed chase with some bad guys. Even then, you have to wait until the single bullet pierces the gas tank. What's next, Cyprus? Are you going to recommend that people keep at least one appendage on the steering wheel at all times, too?

Fool Me Twice, Won't Get Tazed Again Award
Just a little note of public service for our readers out there. If you plan on standing naked in the street while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to get a bit of a tazing. Oddly enough, if you plan on standing fully clothed while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to find yourself unemployed round about January.

What's In A Name? Award
There are plenty of bizarre names out there. Many of those names are planted squarely on the children of celebrities, but don't think for a second that the rich and famous are the only ones that get to saddle their children with horrific monikers. Take, for example, the Swedish couple that recently named their child Lego. We rest our case. We also fully expect that, in a few years, little Lego will be beating up on a child named Duplo, who will be slightly larger but less popular.

Only the Lonely Award
Picture yourself in a strip club (for those of you also surfing porn, that shouldn't be hard to do). Now imagine that you've decided to ask the girl who just entertained you for a while to accompany you home. She says no. You then decide to return to the club with a gun, get into a police chase, and flip your vehicle. And they say romance is dead. It should be noted that the vehicle was a Hummer, which would be the only one that guy got that night.

No... More Hawkish Award
When you're one of the people suspected of helping plan the 9/11 attacks, there is very little that you can do in the courtroom to make yourself seem a little more audacious. And yet, leave it to one of the masterminds behind the plot to first declare that he longs for execution, and then for him to complain that the courtroom drawing didn't look enough like his nose. Well, at least he's got his priorities in order. After all, he doesn't want to be known as "Big Nose" for the rest of the trial. And yes, he's so vain, he probably thinks this award is about him.

A Fire Sale Award
When protesting the high prices of gas, there are a number of things that you can try. You could switch to a hybrid vehicle, drive less, or use public transportation. You could also decide to set fire to a gas station's restrooms, although that's less likely to actually help the situation. The woman in question also set fire to a nearby Starbucks. After all, Starbucks coffee is somewhere in the vicinity of $239 per gallon, and there's no way she can fill up her car on that.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We're looking forward to the weekend, when the presumptive Democratic nominee finally hears the words he's been longing to hear from his opponent in the race. Those words, of course, being, "I'm not giving up, but Grandpappy McCain is old."

Okay, maybe those aren't the words he's hoping to hear, but they've got such a ring to them. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Waiting for the bus

Leave it to a nursing home in Germany to come up with a novel way to help take care of their patients. This nursing home was having difficulties with some of their residents stricken with Alzheimer's disease, and decided that they didn't want to have to resort to calling the police every time that someone went missing. So they did the only logical thing, and found a way to keep the patients from going anywhere.

And no, they didn't build a wall. Instead, they built a phantom bus stop. Unlike more paranormal bus stops (see Ghost World for reference), these stops were equipped exactly as a normal stop would be, except for one key detail. That detail, of course, being a distinct lack of buses.

Leave it to Germans to even come up with this idea. Tired of chasing after the elderly that can't remember much because their brains are being plagued by a disease without a cure? Take advantage of that lack of memory. The residents, who still retain some vestiges of long-term memory, associate the bus stop with going home, and then, by the time that they are found, they've forgotten that they ever saw the bright light of day, and smelled the aroma of a little something the rest of us call freedom.

On one hand, it seems fairly dastardly to use their illness against them. On the other hand, it's not as if they were all alcoholics, and they were being lured back with the promise of an all-you-can-drink happy hour. This method is really providing them with a safe memory, and allows the staff to more easily find the residents that need their care.

Of course, we have to wonder if this idea would even have a chance of gaining footing here. While we do try to take care of our sick and our elderly, installing unused stops could just prove to be an annoyance to tax payers helping fund the care. Especially when there are already plenty of unused bus stops, much to the chagrin of potential riders.

After all, when a bus has to go, it has to go, and it's not going to let any man-placed stop dictate its course.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Celebrate your own way

We all have different ways of sharing our joy over events with people. Fans of sports teams will do anything from simple crushing of beer cans all the way up to the much more difficult crushing of cars. People in the 9-5 world will celebrate a promotion or a raise with a quick outing to a happy hour, thereby making said raise null and void for at least a month. Still others celebrate by holding large rallies, gathering throngs of supporters to their side. Oh, and let's not forget the celebratory tattoo.

Still, even with all of that variety, Western culture is far behind Eastern culture. This is probably due to a number of variables, but when is the last time you saw someone stick a bunch of pins into their head for the Olympics? If you live in China, the answer could be, "Within the last week".

That's because a Chinese man, who already held the world record for jabbing almost 1800 needles into his cranium, has upped his own record to 2008, in honor of the Beijing Olympics. We can only assume that his chi balance will be restored. Wait, that's not how acupuncture is done?

Anyways, as a side note, just like the article points out, in China, getting that type of body modification done results in being looked down upon, and possibly treated like an outcast. Just another difference between Eastern and Western cultures, we suppose.

After all, here we give them recording contracts.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Stupid is...

It seems like today, the day where we may finally learn who exactly will be sent against the firing squad that we lovingly call the McGranddaddyCain Campaign, has been a day full of foibles, faux pas, and, um, mistakes (trust us, there's another more alliterative word we could have used, but we're trying to stay family friendly). We've go the Associated Press declaring victory for one candidate, even going so far as to say that their opponent is dropping out, only to find out that maybe that article was run a little early. We've got VPCheney cracking jokes about inbreeding and West Virginia, just in time for him to discover that surviving off of the life-force of younger, less evil politicians and making crude generalizations doesn't endear oneself to the populace. And, to top things off, millions of Americans are still wondering if they backed the wrong David.

The problem is international, as we got to learn from the Dutch that mooning can be hazardous to your health, especially when you press your bottom against a window. Apparently, a 21-year-old man did just that, pushed a little too hard, and shattered the glass, resulting in "deep wounds to his derriere." This is why we say it's all fun and games unto someone gets a shard of glass in their buttocks. Actually, we've never said that before, but we might have to start now.

You know what else is fun and games? Sitting in a parked (and locked car). At least, that is until the point where you have to call 911. And why would you find yourself dialing an emergency number? Could it be because your locked in and so used to technology that you can't figure out how to manually unlock the door? That's what happened to a Utah woman, leading police to meet with her, call her cell phone, and then walk her through the complicated procedure. It's a good thing she wasn't trying to put together a bookshelf from IKEA, or she might have sealed herself in a box that didn't have a door latch and a slider lock. One of the officers was quoted as saying that he was "glad she had a cell phone to call for help", but the officer was probably also glad that this woman wasn't performing surgery anytime soon.

Really, what's going on today? Are the Detroit Red Wings going to apologize for keeping their fans up late in losing effort? Will GDub finally say that he's sorry for anything that he's done wrong? Will the Grim Reaper sheepishly return the talented people to us? After all, it's only Tuesday, and there's plenty of daylight left.

And for the record, we're not sorry for implying that the VP feasts on those weaker than him. We just ran out of kitten jokes.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Just a little fatigued

It looks like the younger generations are being given another reason to not have to know what's going on in the world. According to the Context-Based Research Group, more and more young adults are experiencing "news fatigue", due to being inundated with news coverage all the time. The research also shows that it's getting harder for people to find in-depth coverage, instead seeing bits and pieces of stories at a higher frequency.

Well, we just can't understand why people say that. After all, when we try and watch any of the 24-hour news channels, we find ourselves inundated, but the actual amount of newsworthy material is remarkably sparse. The same thing is starting to cross over into the realm of newspapers, with more and more opinion articles and gossip columns. True, if we want to know more details about a story, we need to search four or five different sources to get all that we can, but that certainly doesn't explain any sort of news fatigue. After all, if there really was just too much news out there, we highly doubt that we'd be hearing about South American countries bickering over who created the potato.

We would like to propose a different idea. Instead of claiming that many people (and, especially, many young people) are suffering from "news fatigue", might we suggest that we're suffering from "pundit fatigue" instead? Where we used to have newscasters that felt it was their job and their duty to inform us, we now have talking heads who feel as though they need to bludgeon us with their views on the most inane of subjects. Heck, we practically expect to read stories about the flatulence of the various presidential candidates, because we just need to keep filling the airwaves with more information.

It's not news fatigue. If anything, it's being tired of having to sift through the fluff to find something of substance.