Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Legend- wait for it... crazy

Living in Minnesota, there are definite times that we'd like to distance ourselves from our local politicians. While we don't know who's moving in to the Senate, thanks to a state-mandated recount, we do know some of the people moving back into the House. And, well, when it comes to people like Representative Michele Bachmann, we'd like to be able to put a little distance. In fact, we'd often like to think of Bachmann as being something like Minnesota's very own Bigfoot or Loch Ness Monster.

Well, recently, Bachmann pulled a step closer to that level. Remember just before the election, when she went on Hardball and started saying things about "anti-American sentiments"? Remember when she asked the media to look into those things?

No you don't. Not even if it was something you heard from a friend who's mother's hair dresser's son was watching it. Because, according to Bachmann, it's all an "urban legend".

Whew. Here we were thinking that she was trying to rekindle the fires of McCarthyism, when really, anyone thinking seriously that she really made those comments also probably believes other urban legends, and therefore doesn't ever mix PopRocks and soda. Well that's just ridiculously comforting to know.

Hey, wait a minute here. We've seen the footage. We've heard it delivered in Bachmann's own voice, complete with her pasted-on smile that says, "I don't have a clue what I'm saying, but I'm pretty sure it's setting back many social movements decades."

Guess we should be careful when travelling. Someone might want our kidneys, but be kind enough to leave us a note suggesting we call 911.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


We all have moments were art imitates life, and vice versa. We've all also had moments that seem really cool, and would work as short little vignettes of a film. By and large, though, most of life's moments are the kind where you're fairly glad that there isn't a camera trained on you twenty-four hours a day, because they just aren't that interesting.

Well, folks, that's where a new group of delusional psychiatric patients come into play. For them, life really is a movie. They believe that they are in a grand "Truman Show", with themselves playing the wacky Jim Carrey character.

In some ways, this could actually be somewhat comforting of a world view. Your candidate lost the election, or the economy is falling apart around you? Obviously the director wants to see you struggle through some global issues. Get fired from your job? It must be setting up a scene down the road, filled with emotion.

But, by the same token, it would be hard to look at the good things that happen without something of a cynical eye. Married the person of your dreams? They're simply scripted to love you. Did you win the lottery? Cue the comedic scene detailing you almost losing those riches, and learning a little bit about life along the way to recovering them.

And yet, while there are probably a few people in the conspiracy theory realm that believe more strongly that these events ARE somewhat pre-ordained, most of us see that there's simply no logic to life being like a movie. First off, it doesn't begin to explain the really weird things, like John Travolta's career or people's fascination with reality television. And secondly?

We're just confident that the Almighty doesn't wear a hat. It would mess up His hair.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Gone to the dogs

We thought about a couple of news stories today, before landing on our winner. We were temporarily swayed by a list of the worst toys (due to potential to cause harm) only because of the inclusion of a set of plastic nunchucks on the list. However, a lot of the other toys made sense, so we backed away. Then we were lured in by the sweet promise of a potential "War on Thanksgiving" article. And yet we just couldn't find the heart to perpetuate another "holiday under attack" premise. But, thankfully, there was a glistening savior. A story that stood out above the rest.

A story of a woman constructing a $2M+ home. To her dogs' specifications.

We do understand, to an extent. After all, people love their pets, and often consider them almost like children. And it's not like the woman doesn't necessarily have the money, given that she's a surgeon (that's no guarantee that she has it, either, but she's got more chance than someone working at WalMart). It's really the fact that the entire home will be set up for the dogs that gets us.

Sure, automatic food and water dishes make great sense. Cameras to watch the pets when they're in another room even seems somewhat logical. But a saline bath specifically for them? Retinal scans to make sure that other dogs aren't sneaking in, through some sort of advanced canine identity theft procedure? That's where it seems excessive.

All we really hope, when all is said and done, is that the dogs are at least given a pet door so that they can come and go as they please. Either that, or train them how to use the toilet.

After all, we can't imagine how many newspapers would be required to cover that large of an estate.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 17, 2008

We're closing in on a day full of food, so we've naturally got a few stories cooked up that apply somewhat. We also have some stuffing to sit around the meat, and some stories that don't work well at all into a food analogy. So let's get rolling.

Danger Danger Award
It seems like a story like this comes along every year around this time. But just for anyone that didn't know, deep-frying a turkey could be dangerous. Um, yeah, for the turkey. For people, deep-frying a turkey is just delicious. Right? You know, just so long as you actually understand how to work a deep fryer, and have experience with one other than making french fries at McDonald's.

The Commercials Made Me Do It Award
Speaking of McDonald's, we've apparently found the root cause of childhood obesity. It's certainly not a lack of emphasis on proper nutrition and exercise. It's the commercials. Okay, so maybe they aren't the root of the problem, but they're apparently a factor. Which begs the question, if we can't trust commercials when TV is raising our kids, then who can we trust?

She's So Fine Award
Remember that Janet Jackson incident from a few years ago at the Super Bowl? No? Really? Anyways, it turns out that, even though there was a court ruling claiming that the network couldn't be responsible for the bared breast (which wasn't actually bared, by the way), the federal government is asking the Supreme Court to slap down a fine anyways. Apparently GDub doesn't want to be the only boob that costs people money in the next few months.

Precognitive Costuming Award
It's a case of life imitating art, or, at least, life imitating a Halloween idea. A person who went dressed as an inmate was later arrested. He's now wishing that he'd dressed as either Ozzy Osbourne or a basketball player.

For the Birds Award
Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin took part in a traditional turkey pardon this week, as you can see here. Just don't tell the other turkeys behind her, being lined up for butchering. The turkey who was pardoned is planning to be Palin's running mate in 2012, on account of having more experience handling sensitive issues.

Thanks, Newsweek! Award
Any publication with the word "news" in it should be respectable, right? Okay, maybe it only applies when "news" is first. So that's why we're so thankful that Newsweek took the time away from reporting on the economy, world affairs, and the political transition to let us know about dangerous dips. Their editorial staff wasn't mentioned.

Token Toke Award
Who would've known it? Apparently, the Dutch aren't the biggest fans of "drug tourists", given the strain it puts on small towns and out-of-the-way places that aren't necessarily prepared to handle the higher traffic flow. If only there was some sort of chemical they could take to mellow out a bit.

And that wraps it up for this week. We'll see you all on the other side of the weekend. Stay safe out there!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A hot trail

Sometimes, we have to wonder about how perceptive people are. We're not talking about whether or not someone notices that another person got a hair cut, or even if they're driving a different car. We're talking more on a grand scale, like spotting a fight or noticing that a building has been knocked down.

Or, you know, that a box full of money you're carrying is smoking and leaking.

Well, maybe it's not so much a matter of perception as it is a matter of making the proper choices after noticing the events. After all, it's not like the Dublin man in the story didn't realize that the box was smoking, or that it was leaking ink all over the place. What he failed to realize was that he probably shouldn't have proceeded directly home before setting the smoking box onto a balcony to "air out".

And air out it did, simultaneously leading the police directly to his door. Admittedly, they had a good chance of knowing where he'd gone simply by following the dribbles of ink that marked his path, but the smoke in the air served to confirm their trail.

So what have we learned from all of this? We've learned to carry a bucket if we plan on stealing a box full of money. Oh, and weve learned that letting the smoke out off of a balcony may not be the best plan.

Although it's probably better than setting off the sprinkler system in your home. After all, water damage can get expensive.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Things not to do

Today, we found two different articles, both connected by one key idea. Namely, certain things that you probably shouldn't do. In one, it's a matter of public impressions. In the other, it's all about personal safety. And yet, avoiding either course of action would be helpful for everyone in the long run.

First off, when you're planning on asking for money, be careful about how you travel. That's something that the CEOs of the "big three" auto manufacturers could have remembered, as they decided to inform the federal government how badly they needed funds. The problem? They arrived in private jets, costing many millions of dollars themselves.

Now, this doesn't just apply to the wealthy, and it's a good rule of thumb. After all, few people are going to take the time to help out a "needy" person who looks like they're in better shape than most of the country. Of course, that hasn't stopped the government from ever stepping in to assist, so maybe the auto folks have the right idea.

Secondly, if you see someone wearing some sort of weapon as a necklace, maybe just let them say what they will. Especially if that weapon is a meat cleaver.

You know what? That first rule is helpful, but the second rule is much more important. Just keep that one in mind, and you should be fine.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Make a splash

Sometimes, people need to relive aspects of their childhood. This could mean venturing to a playground, climbing into a ball pit, or playing in a mud puddle. Most of the time, engaging in these activities will run the risk of smelling urine, and that's about it.

However, a man in Australia decided to go the "extreme" route with his mud puddle dive, as he did it in the middle of a race. Oh, yeah, and he was naked at the time.

Luckily for the man, race organizers were able to stop the competition before the cars returned to the mud, but still, he definitely took an extra dose of stupidity in planning his events for the day. Now normally, an article like this might have escaped our attention completely. What sets this one apart? Why, it's that final sentence.

"Alcohol was believed to be a contributing factor."

Really? Seriously? You think that maybe the person who randomly took off their clothes during a race and then dove into a mud puddle in the middle of the track might have been influenced somewhat by drinking? Honestly, that's like saying that someone stopped at a McDonald's, and then claiming that hunger "was believed to be a contributing factor", or that someone took a shower because of dirt, or a desire to be clean.

Listen, unless someone is on a combination of more illegal drugs, if they ever decide to throw themselves in the middle of an in-use racetrack, it might just be a good idea to assume that alcohol was involved. Either that, or that they're incredibly stupid, with no regards to self-preservation.

You know, like being a Yankees fan in Boston.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Don't know much theology

According to the Bishop of Lancaster, there's a big problem running rampant through the Church right now. That problem?


That's right, folks. According to the big B, the more educated members of the Church are spreading "dissent and confusion" amongst the rest of the flock. After all, education and knowledge come imprinted with heavy doses of original sin, so it's only natural that they'd be working to dismantle religion.

Wait just a minute, here. Now, we're not the type to automatically assume that a strong religious base implies lesser intelligence or education. Far from it. Sure, before science and other developments were able to answer questions about why things were they way they were, the divine was often looked to as the reason. But just because those answers exist doesn't make the world any less divine. In fact, we'd even like to postulate that having more education could directly lead to MORE faith. Not saying that it's a guarantee either way, but there's always a chance.

Still, the way that the Bishop is phrasing his words, it almost sounds as if he'd prefer to have a church full of mouth breathers who barely graduated high school. Naturally, part of the job of the leaders of the Church would be to bring more people into the flock, but with people globally having access to more and better education, why would he cast aside those who have pursued learning?

You know, unless he wants to have the shiniest robes AND be the smartest person in the building.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 10, 2008

Ah. Do you smell that, America? We're over a week past the election, and we can finally breathe clearly, knowing that it's going to be awhile before we hear any more campaigning. Unless, of course, you live in Alaska. Or Georgia. Or Minnesota. Or any state that has people jumping the gun to get the next campaign started. Oh well, it was a beautiful moment while it lasted. On to the awards, then.

A Lasting Legacy Award
As it turns out, GDub may actually have something positive to leave behind when he ends his term of office. In the future world leaders may actually govern a bit more thoughtfully, not wanting to "end up like Bush". It's already happened with Russia's Vladimir Putin. If this continues, children may be told to finish their vegetables to keep the Bushieman from visiting them at night.

He's Too Drunk, I'll Drive Occifer Award
It's not often that the police get to make two DWIs at one traffic stop. And yet, when the drunk passenger decided to move into the driver's seat and start going while the original driver was being given a field sobriety test, the police were able to achieve a rare double. Police are now hoping to get the incredibly rare octuple, which requires a drunk driver in a clown car.

Shaken Up Award
It was only a matter of time before we finally saw one of these. A Mississippi man has invented the first vibrating toilet seat. Right, because men need another excuse as to why they miss the bowl in the morning.

An Odd Complaint Award
Some things, people really shouldn't complain about. Whether or not they actually got sesame seeds on their Big Mac. If their pizza had a few too many pieces of pepperoni (actually, this complaint is acceptable if you didn't order a pepperoni pizza). Whether or not a bank had empty cash drawers when you went to rob them. Later, the robber went on to complain that Taco Bell didn't have any hamburgers.

My Eyes! Award
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This particular picture is worth eye bleach.

Saw It Coming Award
A UK couple is currently in the middle of a divorce. Why? Well, after meeting online, the wife found out that the husband has been cheating on her. Online. With other pixellated floozies. As part of the settlement, the wife is expecting to be given some mad l00tz with which to pwn n00bz.

Cured? Award
There's a legitimate chance that an AIDS patient may have been cured with a targeted bone marrow treatment, one generally reserved for leukemia patients. We have absolutely nothing snarky to say about that... we actually think it's pretty darned cool.

And on that uplifting note, that brings us to the end of our awards for this week. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Party proceedings

Just when we thought that the world was in some sort of economic (and potentially, social) free-fall, something that only world governments could step in and help with, it's nice to know that at least Sweden thinks everything is well in hand. In fact, the Swedish are so confident that members of their parliament decided to weigh in on the case of a school and a child's birthday party.

Yes, you read that right. Now, after eight years of GDub, maybe it's not uncommon to think of government and children being linked. But keep in mind that this Swedish case did not directly involve any of the children of the politicians. The real problem, according to the school at least, was that the child neglected to invite all of his classmates.

Well, obviously that's a huge problem. The mere fact that he had the gall to leave two of the other students off his list, one who had not invited him earlier and the second who had been a bully, just shows the overall lack of disdain the student obviously had. Nevermind that he was turning 8. Oh, and keep in mind that the school has an "unwritten policy that either all children, or all the boys, or all the girls in a class, had to be invited to parties when invitations were handed out at school."

But thank goodness parliamentary officials were able to step in, and to properly scold the school for confiscating the invitations. It's nice to know that with the growing global crises, in Sweden, they're still looking out for the (very) little man. Which is fair, especially for a country so plentiful with both blondes and moose.

After all, my sister was bit by a moose once....

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Check next time

We really thought that this went without saying, but maybe, when accusing someone of giving you a disease, make sure that they actually could have transmitted it. Especially if the disease in question is sexually transmitted. And be beyond certain when they're you're wife.

Otherwise, you could be making a huge mistake.

A Manhattan lawyer is learning that lesson now after having accused his wife of cheating on him, giving him grounds for divorce. His proof, or so he thought, was the strain of herpes that he'd picked up, supposedly from her. Given that herpes isn't really something that goes away on its own, the lawyer had to feel confident.

That is, until his now-estranged wife visited a doctor and was her tests for the disease came back negative. Um... oops. So either she found a way to be one of very few people throughout history to completely rid themselves of this mostly incurable disease, or maybe the lawyer caught the herpes from another place.

Oddly enough, this should still give grounds for the divorce, but we can't see this going well for the lawyer at this point. Of course, it's entirely possible that he was lying about the disease in the first place, and, really, that's probably the best he could hope for.

So, seriously folks, next time, double check before making accusations. It's just less embarrassing in the long run.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Hard to tell

A definite mark of shame for a museum would be the improper displaying of an art piece. Of course, with most art, it's often very easy to determine the proper setting for it. Some pieces enter into the realm of "confusing", making it more difficult for the curator to determine the intention. That's a time when the museums and art historians can look for clues within the piece itself showing how it was meant to be displayed.

This is all well and good, provided that you aren't looking at the works of Mark Rothko being displayed at the Tate Modern in London. See, Rothko was a modern artist, which meant that his pieces could also theoretically have been painted by a five-year-old with some good color theory. And, well, it seems that the Tate has been hanging some of his pieces the wrong way.

One of the pieces in question is a dark canvas, with two bars painted on it in a contrasting color. Currently, the bars are vertical, but it seems as though the proper way to hang the painting would be with the bars running horizontal. We know, it's tragic. Besides, as any fool could easily see, the horizontal bars carry deep meaning about the separation between man and the divine, while the vertical bars are little better than a knock-knock joke.

Alright, honestly, we could see how the mistake was made. And sure, Rothko's signature could have been an indication, but, as the article itself even says, the artist seems to have changed his mind about the intended orientation while creating the work. And again, this is modern art we're talking about. It's not like they weren't able to notice a church being stolen, one brick at a time.

That's been happening in Russia.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Heavy lifting done

Where oh where would we be without Florida? We wouldn't have the "dimpled chad", we'd probably have less citrus fruit, and we wouldn't look like we were always peeing on Cuba. But, by having Florida, we don't just get the good stuff we've mentioned above. Sure, while some people may think that locating a good portion of the nation's elderly in a hurricane bulls-eye seems like a good idea, others may think that trying to play ice hockey that far south seems a little bizarre.

But let's put all of that aside for a moment, and thank Florida for something recent. Specifically, a story published by the St. Petersburg Times, where readers were able to get how-to tips on a very important subject. That subject? Reading aloud to your kids.

Yes, folks, we're being serious about that. They put together an article giving parents advice on exactly how to go about reading to their kids. While we aren't parents ourselves, we thought that doing something like that wouldn't involve a log of rigorous training. We kind of assumed that rules were simple. One, get child. Two, find age-appropriate book. Three, read book to child. Well, thanks to St. Petersburg Times, we now know that there's a lot more involved in the process.

We're just waiting for their next hard-hitting expose. We understand that they're putting together a fantastic "How to Drink Water" story for next week.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 3, 2008

What a week this has been. Especially with the results of Tuesday night leading to spontaneous outbursts of rainbows, puppies, and shining sun throughout the world. What? That didn't happen? Hmm... maybe this "Change" thing isn't making the world into a Disney movie. For further proof, let's get rolling with our awards, shall we?

Clothes Call Award
Remember all of those clothes that the Republicans bought for Sarah Palin when she was asked to run along with John McCain? Turns out, now the GOP is sending lawyers to get the clothes back. While we also have heard that she likes to great reporters wearing only a towel, we're just not sure what she'll wear when she runs for President in 2009.

Forgetful Award
Let's say that you're planning something big. Now let's say that, part way through your plan, you forget a key element. That's what happened to a thief in Indiana, who, after robbing a gas station, left the money behind. The policing are hoping that now the suspect will conveniently forget to evade capture, while still remembering to wear pants.

Don't Chop Me, Bro Award
After being arrested for driving on a revoked license, a Kitsap County man countered with a strange admission. Looking at the police, he proceeded to tell them that he was versed in the ancient art of karate. The police, unimpressed, proved that they were versed in the ancient art of "arrest the crazy person", shortly before the man could demonstrate his technique of "Wax Off".

The Tragedy of Others Award
According to a recent study, part of the reason why bullies exist may be due to some people actually deriving pleasure from other people's pain. No word yet on whether simply open mocking and heavy use of sarcasm can lead to the same things.

Obama Mamas Award
It's entirely possible, given the results of Tuesday night, that there may be something of a baby boom coming down the corner. At least, that's what a Huffington Post writer postulates. Because, after all, this year's election was just so sexy that people can't keep their hands off of each other. Thank you, Obama, for ensuring that procreation will still happen (thereby, ironically, providing VPCheney with a restocked food supply).

Billy Goat Mower Award
In another sweeping move by Science, a recent study in Canada indicates that some smaller towns could benefit from doing something instead of using herbicides and lawn mowers. Instead, they suggest raising goats to help keep weeds under control. Canada is now researching bridges, and exactly how to get trolls to live under them.

Live-Blogging the Trial Award
According to the English Lord Chief Justice, the younger and more web-savvy a potential juror is, the less likely that they'd be a good candidate. Apparently, he said something about jurors not really listening, but we were too busy surfing the 'net to pay closer attention. Besides, thanks to episodes of Law & Order, we know that all trials end in under an hour.

And that wraps up our awards for this historic week. We'll be back next week, as we start to inch towards Turkey Day, and the benefits that go along with it (namely, turkey). Stay safe out there.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Get your tickets here

Alright. We like to make fun of Canada, but, in all honesty, we currently live in the state that, if it got annexed by our neighbors to the north, things wouldn't change too drastically. Well, sure, on a governmental level, but not necessarily within the mindset of the people. After all, there's a certain symbiosis when you live through long, cold, bitter winters all your life. Besides, we refer to ourselves sometimes as the state of a certain Canadian sport.

Still, maybe it's because of the cold, but it seems that some people in Canada are just now getting familiar with the existence of ticket scalpers. More specifically, they're getting used to the notion that maybe some of the scalpers aren't the most upstanding people.

We're shocked, too. Shocked that people continue to assume that scalpers are really doing it because they just happened to have a few extra tickets, and they want to make sure that others can attend the specific event. After all, why would people attempt to make money off of the goodwill (and/or hope) of others? We'll be able to answer that question when we get our return emails from Nigeria.

Listen. If you want to get tickets that someone has left over and not get charged more than face value, that's when you need to hope that one of your friends got tickets and someone cancelled last minute. Otherwise, for the "convenience" of being able to purchase tickets through a reseller, or from a street corner, you need to expect that you'll be paying more than what they did. It's a simple rule of the economy, where people want to see profits, not losses. Does this automatically lead to scams? No, but throw in the anonymity of the internet, and you've increased the likelihood.

But enough about that. Does anybody want tickets to see Neil Young?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Don't know much about history

Today, it's time to drop a pretense. It'll probably only be dropped for today, so tomorrow, things should be back to normal. And it is all in light of what happened yesterday. For the first time, in the couple of years of this blogs existence, it seems important to speak personally, without the conceit of their being multiple people writing it. It's just me, and, for today, that's enough.

So, last night, as the world as a whole knows, the American people elected a new President. During the campaign, I've tried to point out foibles and mistakes by both sides, but, throughout it all, it was hard to deny that we were approaching a historic moment. Either way, America was going to see it's first "minority" (and I'm using the term somewhat loosely) in one of the highest seats in the land. In the red corner, we had Sarah Palin, almost assuredly unqualified, but still the first woman with a real shot at becoming VP (and, let's face it, with McCain's health issues, President). In the blue corner, the first legitimate African American candidate for President, Barack Obama.

Now, everyone knows what the outcome of the election was. And, honestly, everyone knew what that outcome was going to be for quite some time. That doesn't detract for the history that was made. It doesn't change the fact that, for America, for one election at least color and gender were no longer barriers to leading the country. Yesterday's election is something we can leave for the children, as something positive to move forward.

Now, do I believe that the Messiah was elected POTUS last night? No. After all, Jesus never really wanted the job he got, and it became abundantly clear over the last year or so that Obama desperately did. While he may be coming from a place of hope and change, and wanting to fix what's wrong, he still wanted the power. And he's got a long road ahead of him. For proof of that, just look at how he fared in the South.

Also, do I believe that the country would be destined for absolute destruction had McCain/Palin won the election? Again, no. While the President does have a lot of power, no one person can cause either total collapse or complete recovery, even if GDub seemed to try. In fact, it may even have been more beneficial for the GOP to win, providing some semblance of a balance of power. After all, while John McCain has often sided with GDub, and Sarah Palin made it clear in interviews that she sided with whoever would get her more spotlight time, McCain is also known for reaching across the aisle and working on compromise. Hopefully Obama will take that same spirit.

One thing that I honestly hope we don't pass to future generations is the negativity that we all had to deal with during the campaign. Far too often, instead of the candidates explaining what they would do to help the people, they spent time pointing out what their opponent would do to hurt the people. Unfortunately, it does feel like we're only at the tip of the iceberg for that type of campaigning.

Either way, and putting personal politics aside, last night was a historic moment. For the first time in history, a black man and a woman squared off for the White House with legitimate chances to take office. Somewhere, a barrier fell, and a glass ceiling shattered. For Obama and Palin to both be on the precipice of history was a tremendous moment, and one that could (and possibly should) define a generation.

And now it's time to put down the pitchforks, the attacks, and the slanders, and get to the business of governing. It's time to take a historical moment and take advantage of the opportunity provided. It's time to lead, whether you won or lost the election.

The time is now. Don't screw it up.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Turn left at the nipple

Here we sit, Election Day in America, and we're going to be able to extricate ourselves from the endless speculation, exit poll tallying, and bickering over what's going on in our country. Why are we able to do that? Because, thanks to news from across the pond, we've found something more appealing than trying to handicap something that won't be determined for another 7 hours, at least.

But just what is it that we've found more appealing? Simple. It's lingerie fitted with a GPS system.

Now, in spite of today's title, it won't help those guys who are clueless in bed. And, in spite of what (according to the article) feminists the world over are saying, it won't work as a long-distance modern-day chastity belt. What it is meant to do, however, is to be like a distance game of hide-and-seek, where the woman wearing the tracking lingerie would be able to head to a steamy location, with the hopes that her partner of choice uses his TomTom to find her. Oh, and if she ever decides that she wants to get away for some quiet alone time, the owner of the lingerie has the ability to turn off the device.

In many ways, this is the next logical step in today's increasingly high-tech world. And yet, we have to wonder where some of the quiet simplicity has gone. Sure, it could be fun to track your girlfriend down using a GPS device. And sure, it could be amusing to see how long it takes for your lover to find just which seedy motel or secluded park you've chosen for a little late night rendezvous. But there's something to be said for finding those locations together, and not needing any sort of mechanical assistance.

Besides, as we all know, there's no place in a romantic relationship for tools. Well, not without being open-minded.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Obama Christ Superstar

Now that we're a mere day away from the election, it only makes sense that newspapers would start running more and more sensational stories about the candidates. After all, we've only been having them force-fed to us for the last couple of years. If we didn't get another big story soon, we might forget that there's an election coming up.

Which is why we're not horribly surprised to see a story that ties in the current global economic crisis, climate change, and the presumed rise of Barack Obama to the presidency as indications of the coming Judeo-Christian Apocalypse (which would be a kicking name for a metal band, by the way). That's right, folks. According to a group who've been following the signs for the Rapture, it may just be coming at some point near in the future. Or it could take a while. But we should be ready now.

Whatever your particular religious stance, there's a lot to gain from this article. Everybody can learn something. For example, we learned a little something from the quote attributed to one of the Left Behind authors, who stated that, "The Bible makes it clear (the Antichrist) will be from an obscure place, like Romania".

Well that's a huge burden off of our shoulders. And here we were, trying to figure out (aside from those ten rules on stone) where the Bible was clear. Meanwhile, for all of you living in Romania? We apologize in advance. Just saying.

So go out and vote tomorrow. In the meantime, we'll be studying a globe, looking for places even more obscure than Romania. We're looking at you, Botswana.