Friday, December 11, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 11, 2009

The holiday feeling is in the air, and we're finding stories full of gift-giving, good cheer, and Santas doing sweet things for starving orphans. Oh, if only that were true. Hey, at least we aren't being saddled with story after story relating how people are bludgeoning others all for the sake of that one-of-a-kind Tickle-Me-Blu-Ray death laser. Well, not yet. So let's get rolling with our awards.

Irony, Thy Name is *Thud* Award
What could possibly be worse than hitting a blind man with your car while backing out of a parking spot? Admitting that you "didn't see him". Next thing you know, this woman will be complaining about having ten thousand spoons.

Feeling the Olympic Spirit Award
You know how there are logos that are incredibly iconic? Logos so well known that people know what they represent, whether words are present or not? Yeah, it's probably not the best thing idea to put any of those logos onto Ecstasy pills. Either that, or it's the best idea ever. Suddenly, previous Olympic opening ceremonies make more sense.

Feeling the Collector's Spirit Award
As a tie-in to our story above, we also have a story about a Dutch man who collected Ecstasy pills for over twenty years. The problem? The pills were recently stolen from his home. The bigger problem? Some of the pills might be poisoned. Whatever happens, we're fairly certain this collection is a lot more fun than one of stamps.

Getting Tested Award
Sporting events have included tests for performance-enhancing drugs for years. So it should come as no shock that even the world of competitive eating needs to fight the demons of people getting a bit of an edge. So be thankful that this year, for the World Pie Eating Championships, competitors will be checked randomly for things like cough medicine. After all, we'd certainly hope that anyone entering into a competition like this wouldn't have a serious cold, or it might make the whole thing a little more disgusting.

It Was Only a Matter of Time Award
Some things are just bound to happen. Winter will come. Every piece of your childhood will be turned into a big-budget Hollywood disaster. The uprising of the robot overlords, or the uprising of the zombie apocalypse. So when those things do happen, people shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. Heck, we're shocked it took this long for the first of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses to come forward with the announcement that she was interested in posing for Playboy. Now if she was talking about posing for Hustler, we might have a story.

*Cough Cough* Wow, Dude Award
This is why we need to teach our children that reading is fundamental. After all, we've pretty much proven that people are going to continue to use illegal drugs. And, society has proven that people are also going to look for "legal" ways to get the same high, without the fears of legal trouble. But when the "legal" alternative to marijuana involves an incense complete with the words "not for human consumption" on the packaging, it might be good for kids to know exactly what those particular combinations of letters mean. This is why warning labels exist, people.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, hopefully with more of what we mentioned in the first paragraph, but more likely more of what we detailed throughout the rest of the post. Stay safe out there.

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