Wednesday, November 08, 2006

This means no visitation rights

In a further effort to be somewhat different from every other blog out there, today we're not going to spend paragraphs (or multiple posts) talking about Britney Spears filing for a divorce from her baby daddy. We're also not going to talk about how the Democrats have made huge gains nationwide, because Jon Stewart already said it best. Instead, we're going to talk about Canada. Specifically, Toronto. Extremely specifically, Toronto's own Ronald Schulz.

Why are we going to talk about Ronald Schulz, you might be wondering? And, well, good for you for wondering. As it turns out, Mr. Schulz was recently sent to prison. For attempting to hire a hitman to kill his ex-wife. Schulz apparently was getting pretty tired of making child and spousal support payments, so he thought he'd take matters into his own hands, or, at least, the hands of a paid assassin.

That's not where it gets really weird, though. Now that Schulz is in prison, he figures that he doesn't have to pay any of that nasty child support that caused him to want to kill his ex in the first place. Why not? Well, he doesn't have a steady job, or a source of income. Because he's imprisoned. For trying to ensure that he didn't have to make his payments. Are you following all of this? Now, a judge is being forced to decide if Schulz has to pay or not.

Let me just make sure I'm fully onboard with this one. He didn't want to pay support. He attempted to get his wife killed. He was arrested and incarcerated. He is now arguing that being in prison prevents him from making his support payments. And the judge could take up to a week to figure out how to rule?

Listen, Canada, I know you hate being called America, Jr. Trust me, the way we've been acting lately, I can't really blame you. But when you can't figure out something like this, you prove yourself as our little kid brother. Where we have cases like OJ Simpson, you will have Ronald Schulz. Where we have our overpriced athletes, you'll continue to pay your baseball players in hilarious Canadian dollars. Where we have bacon, you'll have Canadian bacon. And lastly, where we have Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, you will have them in less frequent doses.

Seriously, this is why we need a fence on both borders. We need to do everything we can to keep our culture and problems from spreading out beyond our lands and infecting our neighbors. Besides, they have better beer.

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