Friday, February 08, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 4, 2008

Happy Friday, everybody! It's been a full week, what with Super Tuesday, candidates dropping out of the race, shuttles blasting off, and some furry animal poking its head out of the ground. Honestly, we were hoping for things to be a little more clear cut after Tuesday, just because we were looking forward to headlines proclaiming an "Obama-nation". Not that we're throwing our support, just that we giggle a little when we say that out loud. Besides, we wouldn't want to be like Obama Girl, with her music videos and her proclamations of love, and yet her lack of voting. But that's another story, and one that we're going to gloss over. With that said, let's get rolling.

From Super to Sub Award
Oh, Joe Liebermann. You've had your trials and your tribulations. We watched you parade around as a potential VP, then saw how quickly the tide could turn when you stood steadfast after smooching GDub. And now, we see that you've been hit with the "Zell Miller" ruling. But don't worry, Joe. You'll always be super in our minds. Super-conflicted, but super nonetheless.

Think of the Family Award
In an historic operation, literally dozens of people with mob connections were arrested earlier this week, both in New York and in Sicily. 30 people were arrested on the Italian island, with more than double that arrested in America. Amongst those arrested? John "Jackie Nose" D'Amico and Domenico "The Greaseball" Cefalu. No word on the status of Tony "Panties" Marino or Gino "Prone to Seizures" Aurello. New York also seen shouting, "In your face, Sicily!"

I Said, "Whoa!" Award
The image of a hearse being drawn by horses is both beautiful and somber. That is, until the horses stampede and drag the coffin around the cemetery. Benny Hill's body later seen fleeing at top speed, being chased by women in bikinis.

A Quiet Roommate Award
It seems like a story like this is found every once in a while. An elderly man in Bristol hasn't had a complaint about his roommate for the last five years. This is largely because the roommate has been dead for that long. The living resident never called the police, possibly due to mental health problems. On the up side, they never fought over whether to watch "Big Brother" or "Doctor Who".

Keep Off the Grass Award
In Florida, they really take their lawn care a bit more seriously than most states. If you need proof, just try and find another state where someone was killed after a dispute about the length of the grass. And here in Minnesota we thought it was bad when people don't shovel the walk. As for the Florida neighborhood, might we suggest Astroturf?

I Love Choco-... Oh Award
Science has once again decided to flex its muscles, as a lab in Texas, at the request of a television station, found ways to keep us all from enjoying our Valentine's Day chocolates this year. The lab discovered hair and insect parts in many of the chocolates. Sales for chocolate-covered ants will definitely be hurt by this report. As for us, we're still waiting for "Crunchy Frog" to become available.

Isn't It Ironic? Award
In an effort to help slow down major global climate change, people have begun resorting to biofuels such as ethanol. And yet, in a report published Thursday, biofuels actually cause more greenhouse gas emissions than standard fuels. This explains why Exxon has been laughing as they skip and sing their way to the bank.

Zap! Award
The Nebraska Supreme Court has recently found itself in line with many other states in America, as they have now ruled that the electric chair is "cruel and unusual punishment", and therefore must no longer be used. Of course, when compared to being forced to listen to Dr. Phil or trying to understand caucus logistics, the chair doesn't seem all that bad.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, possibly even with a look into candidate tax returns. Until then, we'll just keep looking ahead, trying to make our best guesses as to how things will turn out. We'll also be keeping our fingers crossed that the WGA strike may be over soon. Our television misses us. Stay safe out there.

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