Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 24, 2008

Well, folks, here we are, about to bid a fond farewell to the month of March. Of course, before we can do that, we have to make it through another few days full of chances for rain or snow (oh, who are we kidding? It will snow) before we can enter fully into April. And, of course, the theme for this April could very easily be "more of the same". It's certainly looking that way for the Race to the White House. Which is why we're here, trying to shake things up a bit with our awards. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Ogg is ROFLMAO. Now Ogg Smash Award
For the longest time, people have held onto the belief that Neanderthals were incapable of speaking. Well, those people may have to come to a realization. Turns out, according to archaeological research, not only could Neanderthals speak, but they were actually fairly chatty, and even showed a penchant for body decoration. Of course, none of this means that they speak in the same way as modern humans in the slightest. And, suddenly, there's an explanation for Perez Hilton and "leet speak".

Fast as Lightning Award
Often, when planning on committing a crime, it's important to find out who (or what) your victim will be. Take, for example, the case of a trio of people who attempted to mug a man in Florida. Thinking they had an unsuspecting victim on their hands, they pulled a gun, only to find themselves face-to-face with a tae kwon do expert. The robbery was averted when one of the assailants was kicked in the face, and the other two ran. The intended victim was later spotted running up ladders, over tables, and fighting a gang of masked criminals, who all decided to approach one at a time.

Go About Your Business Award
Apparently, if you're operating a strip club in Texas, there is a specific list of things that can get you closed down, at least for a while. While it seems odd that there would be a list, it seems even more strange that allowing a 12-year-old to strip at your club is missing from said list. The authorities are looking into whether anyone in management knew that the girl was 12. We're not certain, but stripping to "Hannah Montana" might have been a clue.

Defending the Border Award
Recent news reaches us that, soon, there will be 2000+ troops patrolling the US-Mexico border. This is great news, because GDub has been pushing for a border patrol for-- what? Oh, the troops are Mexico's troops? Works just as well. We fully expect that, in a few week's time, that troop of 1000 soldiers will do their jobs well. And, in another month, we hope that the 500 remaining get reinforcements.

Best Field Trip Ever Award
A group of Essex students is getting ready to embark on a trip to Amsterdam. During that trip, they will be learning about Anne Frank, getting information on how the Dutch handle discipline, and possibly even checking out the harbor. Oh, and there's a planned visit to the red light district. Shockingly, taxpayers who are, in part, funding this trip, are expressing some anger. If only there was a place that they could go to maybe, we don't know, mellow out or something, man.

I'm Loving It Award
How do four teenagers get arrested in a Yonkers McDonald's? Well, if you guessed "dance in their underwear, and then beat up the manager that asks them to stop", you win a Happy Meal prize. Or the satisfaction of getting the question right. It's definitely better than getting beat up by someone wearing their underwear.

Set Your Clocks Award
The WWF is sponsoring a global event that might raise a little awareness. A number of cities across the planet are celebrating an "Earth Hour" by turning out lights at 8:00pm. Individuals are being encouraged to participate as well. The last time that the WWF was part of a massive "lights-out" campaign like this, The Undertaker went on to win the heavyweight title.

They Like Us Award
For a while, now, there has been a perceived divide between the Mainstream Media (MSM) and the blogosphere (blogosphere). There have been accusations that the blogosphere is only able to exist by lifting stories already found by the MSM. As it turns out, members of the MSM turn to the blogosphere more often than people would have liked to admit. Finally, another explanation for Perez Hilton.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week to usher in April. In the meantime, we'll be working on keeping ourselves dry with the impending chance for rain (again, who are we kidding, it'll be snow). Stay safe out there.