Friday, January 09, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 5, 2009

Welcome to our first awards for the year 2009. We definitely enjoyed the run through 2008, and we're looking ahead to this year, which will undoubtedly bring us more craziness in the form of elected officials, crazy criminals, and simply goofy events from around the world. In fact, it looks like today's awards have a little bit of all that, so we're just going to dive into the deep end.

Blagoje-peached Award
Well, that didn't take long. After it first surfaced that he just might be a little corrupt, it really did beg the question as to how long Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich would remain in office. The first volley has now been fired, as the Illinois House has voted to impeach the governor. If only there was an Illinois politician who the nation could look towards to help restore state and national image...

Red Ticker Tape Award
You know that there's something wrong with your country when you actually sponsor a contest where the winner is somehow who had to wade through the most ridiculous amount of red tape. Even worse when the contest is sponsored by the government. Meanwhile, the US Senate merely looks at the requirements the Mexican winner went through as a minor inconvenience, and they vow to deliberate for weeks on whether or not they can get even more ridiculous, before deciding to actually make an impact in the final week of the year.

Stripped Down Economics Award
We understand. Nobody likes paying taxes. But that's no reason to go around not claiming your tips as income. Especially when you get $80,000 in one year for taking your clothes off. On the plus side, that medical degree should totally be paid off by now.

Sex Sells Award
We know, we know, the title of this award seems like a bit of a "duh" moment, but you'd also think that people would see a sexually provocative ad for a lingerie and sex toy shop and register the same thing. You know, unless they're in Britain, where they think it's a little much. Because sex shops shouldn't advertise sex. That's what prime time television is for.

Britney the Chaste Award
This may come as a shock to some people, but Britney Spears has grown up. She's even singing dirty songs now. Admittedly, getting children to sing "If You Seek Amy" (read it to yourself) could be funny while sitting with just the family, it can be embarrassing when at church or a restaurant. You know, unless you plan on putting video of it on YouTube.

Seems Legit Award
Moving on from the sexually charged stories, we find a story of a woman who admitted to embezzling thousands from her employer. But that's okay, because she was totally going to pay it back when she got her millions from a Nigerian princess. In other news, people still haven't figured out that giving strangers money over the internet in return for promises of greater money won't really pay off.

Ol' Crazy Eyes Award
When plucking out your own eyeball isn't enough to get you off of death row, what do you do? If you're a Texas inmate, you wait four years, then pluck out your other eye and eat it. The man is now in psychiatric counseling, and is hoping to record a duet of "I Can See Clearly Now" with Stevie Wonder.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this first week of the year. We'll see you next week, as we inch ever closer to the final day of the Gdub Administration, and the first day of, depending on who you ask, complete destruction or the return of Eden. Stay safe out there.

1 comment:

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